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I don’t like summer. The weather’s too hot, it’s humid, and I can’t sit on the rooftop at school anymore. I end up staying home from school more often than not – I hate the idea of being separated from my AC. Today was another one of those days, really. I couldn’t be bothered to drag myself out of bed and put on my uniform… I didn’t really know how to tie my tie anymore, and it seemed like such a hassle to relearn all over again. Reo took on the habit of doing it for me every time we met, but… he’s still at Blue Lock. Probably working to be the best striker all on his own.
I let out a small sigh and stared at the ceiling, pricking myself with Choki to wake myself up. I winced and reached for my phone, completing all the daily logins for the games I play. This was the same routine that I was used to from all the way back then, but somehow, it still felt different. I liked being forgettable – a small, small part of the big universe. I didn’t care for anything because there was nothing to care for. It was always better that way. I didn’t need to be hurt.
I didn’t care for football, so I wasn’t all that hurt when I got locked off. I was glad that I could go back to my convenience, unbothered by rules and matches and everything that made my life so difficult. I didn’t like working, training… and it wasn’t like the people at Blue Lock were the friendliest. Everyone was so passionate – so angry. It was draining.
They were better off without me. Really, they were. I was only dragging everyone down, and it wasn’t as if I contributed anything to Manshine after that one play I did. I thought I’d beaten Isagi, but I didn’t. Then I fell off. Case closed. I was never meant for football in the first place – I should’ve never gone in the first place. Reo was the one who convinced me to do it, and Reo was the one who held my hand while we ran in. It was all Reo. He was the brains, the star… He had everything that I didn’t have so that he could make up for me and all my mistakes. I was the worst.
I groggily stared in the mirror and gazed at my toothbrush – only then realizing I’d gone weeks without brushing my teeth. I reached for it and lazily made the motions, my spit mixed with the foam dripping down my face. It was… disgusting, but I just wiped all that off with my shirt. Now I need a new shirt.
I looked through my mess of a closet and picked out a plain and purple short-sleeve polo top. Reo’d insisted we get ‘matching undershirts’ for our school’s summer uniform, because we didn’t really need to button up our jackets anymore around this time of year. He’d looked so happy buying them.
I went to the kitchen and looked around for something to eat – quickly spotting leftover egg sandwiches from my trip to the convenience store yesterday. I paired it with a can of instant coffee and sat down at the empty table. In hindsight, I guess I could admit the scene was a little depressing. But I was used to this – the loneliness. Football came and football went, same with Reo. Zantetsu… Chigiri… Isagi – whatever.
I finished my breakfast and went back to my bedroom, plopping into my gaming chair and logging online. I spotted Hiori in my friends list, and he was last online a month or two ago on our – well – their last day off before the World Cup. Everyone else were just small groups of online friends that’d ask me to join from time to time, but even they were all offline too. Probably busy at school. Maybe I should’ve just gone, today…
I ended up playing games for hours. I lost track of the time – and before long – the moon came up. It was a half-moon tonight, and for some reason, it lured me outside of my apartment. I put on my sneakers and left the building, looking up at the starry skies. Reo would always say that we weren’t the typical sun and moon – that we were these very stars and the moon. I don’t know why, but he always loved the night. Maybe it was because no one expected anything of him.
I got on my bike and aimlessly rode around, thinking about nothing other than the fact I was hungry. I hadn’t eaten anything since the morning, and there weren’t really any convenience stores nearby to grab bento dinners from. I knew about a few food stalls if I rode a little further into the city – I’d gone to the area with Reo a while before we were invited to Blue Lock. We shared these candied fruits, and mine ended up getting stuck in his hair… I want those fruits for dinner tonight.
When I arrived, the streets were packed with people. The atmosphere was different, probably due to all the couples that came by at this hour. I parked my bicycle and walked around, looking for the tanghulu vendor. I counted the amount of yen in my pocket, and I had exactly enough for the candied apple that I liked last time.
I eventually found my way and paid for everything. The candied apple was wrapped with the same care as last time, but it felt a little lighter in my hands. Apples weren’t ripe this time of year – which I’d learned while playing a bunch of cozy games and farming for hours. I unwrapped the candied apple and stuck my teeth into the bright red sphere, hurting my tooth while trying to get past the thick layer of caramel and sugar.
It’s definitely as sweet as I remembered it. Reo’s was also really good – I liked the grape. But I didn’t have enough yen to get that one. I continued walking around as I ate, looking at all the couples and families that came by to share a fun summer night. I never understood the appeal of all these events, but I always went to them with Reo. He loved the flashy parts of life – the things that’d make him feel like he was on top of the world with me. We’d watch fireworks and share takoyaki, and he’d insist on feeding me while making this grand show about how we’d forever be the best in the world. Now he had to be the best all on his own. He had to discover his own footing, and see that the world keeps moving even without me in it.
I found myself standing on the top of a relatively empty hill. It wasn’t that far away from my bicycle, so I sat down and looked up towards the sky. The stars encompassed the half-moon from this angle, as if they were all hugging it tightly. I held up my half eaten candied apple, and ironically enough, now it looked as if the moon was whole. The apple’s color was a lot more dimmed without blaring lights to make it redder – so it just looked a weird shade of reddish blue. Not quite purple. Not quite Reo. I finished off the sweet and tossed the stick aside. I continued to stare up at the sky without a care in the world.
…I think there’s something wrong. My vision was clouded, and my lips were quivering. I’d assumed I was getting a fever, so I put my hand to my forehead the way Reo did to me. It wasn’t warm – but my cheeks were. I felt something continuously trickling down my face, but only when the water hit the grass did I realize those were my own tears. I don’t know why I was crying – but when I asked myself that – I started sobbing even harder. I barely ever cried, I couldn’t even remember the last time I did. Now I was drawing the eyes of little boys and girls who were playing tag and rolling down the grass.
The more I wiped my eyes, the more tears spilled. Reo was always the one who’d carry handkerchiefs for situations like these, so all I had were my (now wet and snot-covered) arms. Remembering Reo made me cry even more, and I realized that he was probably the reason why I was acting like this. I missed him – more than anything. I miss Reo, and I miss playing football with him. They took me away from Reo – from our dream. That wasn’t fair. I want to see him again – to play football with him again. I want him to wash my hair and scold me for playing games… I want him to sit at the other end of the dinner table in my apartment just one more time. I want Reo back.
I gripped the grass with my fingers and sniffled, digging my feet into the soil. I liked my life when Reo was in it – I’d finally found a reason to get out of bed and brush my hair and my teeth. I’d managed to start eating healthier and take care of myself. All of that was because Reo was around to encourage me to do it, and now he was gone. Now I’m just the Seishiro who’ll die a lonely life and be forgotten in a few years. I hate this Seishiro – that old Seishiro. I don’t want to be him anymore.
But life wasn’t fair. All I could do was cry and beg for Reo to come back, to pick me up on his back and tell me that we were bigger than the world.