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Sometimes, Splinter forgot things. It was to be expected, what with his age and his depression and his… neglect of his children. He just forgot sometimes. Donnie was used to it. Hell, all his brothers were used to it.
But sometimes Splinter forgot things Donnie remembered so clearly. He remembered his dad forgetting the twins’ ninth birthday. He remembered the way he hadn’t so much as glanced up from the TV when Donnie broke his arm trying to skateboard with his brothers. He remembered all the times Splinter had rolled his eyes with Donnie’s brothers when Donnie was explaining something to them.
And sometimes, Donnie questioned himself. Did those things really happen? Or was he just blowing everything out of proportion in an attempt to make himself feel bad? So he could play the victim when in reality, Splinter was a great father and he loved his sons.
So, Donnie began to keep track of some of these incidents with a list. Data collection. It helped to calm him down. He started documenting little things so he could have proof when he brought something up and Splinter said he didn’t remember doing that. The proof wasn’t for Splinter. It wasn’t for anyone else, really. It was just for Donnie to have. So he could know that he wasn’t crazy. That he wasn’t trying to make anyone feel bad for him.
Donnie was in fifth period when his phone buzzed in his pocket. It was a text from Splinter.
Dad
I took too long to schedule your behind the wheel test at the DVM, so we will have to renew your permit.
Donnie stared at the screen for a long time before opening his notes app and typing the latest item on his list. It was one of far too many entries. He locked the note and put his phone away. He stared at the surface of his desk.
He felt a hand poke his side and jumped, turning to look at the offender. His twin stared back at him, brow furrowed. You good? he mouthed. Donnie’s face grew hot and he nodded. There was a strange feeling in his chest; the same one he always got when he added another item to his list.
Splinter… didn’t say he forgot to make the appointment. He said he took too long. He put it off. The whole reason Donnie was trying to get his license was so he could help out. Or at least, that’s why his dad wanted him to get his license. He was tired of being the only one to pick up groceries and take everyone to school. Raph was definitely too anxious to drive. And everyone knew Leo would be a terrible driver. So it was delegated to him. He was the most logical choice. It made sense.
“What do you think, Donnie?”
Donnie’s head snapped up at the sound of his name. His teacher was staring at him expectantly. His eyes scanned the board for anything that could have helped him figure out what the question was, but to no avail. He spluttered, feeling the blood rush to his face. “I… could you repeat the question?”
There were a few snickers from throughout the room. The best student in the class at a loss for words? Hilarious.
Mr. Watson sighed and shook his head, looking mildly disappointed. A pit formed in Donnie’s stomach. “What effect do you think television coverage of the Little Rock incident had on the nation?”
Little Rock… that sounded familiar. He wracked his brain, but couldn’t recall any specifics. He sighed, defeated. “I don’t know.”
His teacher hummed displeasedly and turned to look at the rest of the classroom. “Anyone else?”
When the bell rang, Leo was immediately at Donnie’s side. “Dude, what was that?”
Donnie wrinkled his nose. “What was what?”
Leo looked bewildered. “That in the classroom. You saying ‘I don’t know.’ You know everything!”
Donnie rolled his eyes at his twin. “Contrary to popular belief, I do not indeed know everything,” he deadpanned.
“Yeah, but you knew that. Or at least you should’ve.”
Donnie wanted to bite back with something, but held his tongue. What would he say anyway? He should have known the answer to that question. He just… he didn’t know. It was fine. He was fine.
Leo left his side when the one minute bell rang to go to his own class. Donnie watched him leave and he didn’t feel anything. He didn’t feel anything.
Dad
I have to go to the store so I cannot pick you up today. You will have to walk home.
Well, that was great news to hear with only ten minutes left in school. Sarcasm intended. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t walked home before. But still, it was nice to know more than ten minutes in advance. Actually, the sudden change of plans was making him sick. Like, physically sick. As in he felt he was about to vomit. He steelily breathed in through his nose and stared daggers into the wood grain of his desk.
The walk back home took around half an hour if he walked at a normal pace. And Donnie usually walked fast. It really wasn’t a big deal. All his brothers had practice after school on Wednesdays, so he would be walking alone. Raph had wrestling, Leo had basketball, and Mikey was part of the school’s dance team.
Would Dad notice if I didn’t come home?
He immediately knew the thought was stupid. Of course Splinter would notice.
Right?
No, of course he would. But Donnie couldn’t help the way the thought looped in his head for the rest of class.
When Donnie got out, he didn’t go home. He was just curious. Testing his hypothesis, or whatever. He went to the library. It was open for a couple of hours after school got out, anyway. He knew that he could go watch one of his brothers at practice, but he also didn’t especially want to be around people at the moment. So the library it was.
The librarian liked him. He never talked and always studied somewhat peacefully.
He was there for a couple of hours. Dad was definitely home by the time he finally shut his laptop. His brothers probably were too. But he didn’t get any texts or calls from any of his family. It was 5:32. They usually ate dinner together at 6. He should probably head home now.
The librarian waved at him as he left. He wore his headphones the entire way home. Thankfully, it was almost summer so it was still light out.
When he finally stepped through the door, he was greeted by a wave of smells from the kitchen. It smelled good, so that meant Mikey was cooking. He also heard the TV playing, accompanied by the sound of Dad laughing.
Donnie shut the door quietly, though Mikey still heard it. He peeked his head through the doorframe from the kitchen to see who had just arrived. “Donnie?” he questioned. “I thought you were already home.”
Donnie opened his mouth to respond, but was interrupted by Dad’s voice. “Purple only just now got home? I thought he was in his room.”
“Well, I—”
“Hurry and get washed up, Dee. Dinner’s almost ready.”
Donnie nodded silently and bit the inside of his cheek. No use in talking if he wasn’t going to be listened to. He washed his hands and went to the kitchen to see if there was anything he could help with.
Dinner was… fine, he supposed. Mikey made butter chicken and rice. Donnie was pretty quiet the entire time. And no one really made an effort to include him in the conversation. They all talked about their days. Leo had apparently made a three point shot during practice and he was still preening about it.
After dinner, Donnie went straight to his room, claiming that he had homework. He had actually gotten all his homework done at the library, but he just wanted to be alone right now. Was it selfish that he wished anyone had noticed he was gone? Was he selfish for being upset that no one even asked where he was when he did get home?
Whatever. There was no use in dwelling on it. He should just move on and do something else to get his mind off this. But he didn’t. He added it to his list.
They didn’t notice I was gone. They didn’t care about where I was.
They didn’t.
Leo came into Donnie’s room later in the evening and laid on his bed without saying anything, forcing Donnie to squish himself against the wall for his twin. Leo was watching a video on his phone, though he didn’t look particularly interested in it. It reminded Donnie of when the two of them were littler and shared a room. They had separate beds, but more often than not, one (usually Leo) would squeeze himself into the other’s bed. Splinter used to have to drag Leo out of Donnie’s bed when Donnie would complain about not being able to sleep with his twin pressed so close against him.
Donnie was on his phone as well, mindlessly opening and closing apps at random. He couldn’t bring himself to really commit to anything right now. Leo’s gangly ass legs were pressing rather uncomfortably into Donnie’s side, and Donnie was about to lose his mind and shove his twin off the bed when Leo spoke.
“Hey, are you okay?” he sounded concerned.
“No, your legs are hurting me.” Donnie made a very conscious decision to not look him in the eye. He couldn’t lie for shit, but he could tell half-truths. And it was very true that Leo’s legs were about to be disconnected from his torso if he didn’t move.
Luckily for him, Leo did adjust and Donnie didn’t have to perform an impromptu amputation. “C’mon, Dee. Seriously. Is something wrong?” Eugh boy. Feelings. Donnie did not feel like trying to do this right now (heh, see what he did there?).
He kept his voice as flat and emotionless as humanly possible when he said, “I am perfectly fine, Nardo.”
Of course, Leo narrowed his eyes in suspicion immediately. Donnie stiffened under his gaze, going rigid and already feeling the sweat forming from the scrutiny. “Yeah, and I’m the queen of England. You can’t lie, Donnie. You’ve always been terrible at it.”
“I’m fine, Leo,” Donnie said emphatically. Leo rolled his eyes in response, but was apparently graceful enough to let it go. For now.
It was only maybe twenty minutes later that the twins were side by side watching a video of some of the “greatest skateboarding fails of all time” on Leo’s phone. Donnie pulled out his own phone out of sheer habit and began once again opening and closing apps. At some point, he opened up his list without realizing and began skimming over it. He would go back and reread it every so often to make sure everything in it was cemented in his brain. He needed to make sure he remembered.
Deep down, he knew that wasn’t the only reason he kept the list. He knew that there was some sort of sick, morbid fascination that came with documenting all the times his dad simply didn’t care enough. As if he could prove to himself that his dad, his family, didn’t truly need him. He was just convenient to have around in case the remote stopped working or the toaster went on the fritz or Leo busted his phone for the third time this month. They didn’t need him. Not like he needed them.
It would be better if he disappeared.
Newton, this was starting to get depressing. He did not need to think about this right now. Actually, he would prefer it if he didn’t think about this right now. Or ever, really. Filed away to unpack at a later date that ideally would never come. Because he would keep putting it off. Not because…
Never mind.
Donnie scanned his list. Leo watched people bend in every which way as they fell off their skateboards. Donnie curled in on himself.
“Whatcha lookin’ at?” Leo was trying to get a peek of Donnie’s screen.
Panic flared in Donnie’s mind. “Nothing,” he said too quickly as he locked his phone and pocketed it.
Leo turned off his own phone and turned his body to look at his twin. Donnie once again was trying his damndest to avoid eye contact at any means necessary.
“What were you looking at?” Leo asked, much more slowly this time. Donnie stayed silent.
Suddenly, Leo lunged forward, diving into Donnie’s pockets in search of his phone.
“Leo!” Donnie screeched, outraged.
Leo found his phone, but it didn’t matter because he didn’t know Donnie’s password.
Or at least Donnie thought he didn’t, until he unlocked Donnie’s phone. The fucker had somehow gotten his password. The outrage turned to cold hard fear. Donnie froze at the same time Leo did. Because Leo saw his list. The thing that no one else was ever meant to see.
“Donnie… What is this?” Leo’s voice shook as he read.
Donnie’s face was hot and there was a pressure building behind his eyes that was actually really annoying. He didn’t respond and instead turned to bury his face in his pillow. Maybe he could suffocate himself so he wouldn’t have to have this conversation. He felt Leo’s hand touch his shoulder and he shrank back from it, not wanting to be touched right now.
Leo got the message and withdrew his hand. “Donnie,” he repeated. “What is this?”
Donnie took a deep breath in. “You weren’t supposed to see it.” Leo was silent and Donnie took that as a sign to continue. “It’s not– It’s not to make anyone feel bad. It was just for me.”
“Why?”
He stayed silent.
“I told Dad for over a year that I could feel my wisdom teeth coming in and that my mouth was sore. He told me I was fine and that I was being paranoid.”
Donnie’s head snapped up when Leo started reading aloud. He watched his twin with wide eyes, heart pounding double time in his chest.
“I asked Dad if I could take a mental health day because I was feeling burnt out and depressed. He said I couldn’t stay home every time I didn’t feel well.” Leo inhaled shakily. “Dad once made a joke about kicking me out of the house once I turn 18. I believed him for years. He amended his statement to once I turn 20.” He was skipping over entries. Donnie had reread the list enough times to know this. “They didn’t notice I was gone. They didn’t care.” Leo looked up. “That one’s from today.” It wasn’t a question.
Donnie was still. Then he nodded slowly, almost imperceptible. The storm of his mind quieted. It was still. There was not peace, only quiet.
“We do care. We do.”
Donnie nodded. There was nothing else he could do.
It was a few weeks later that the family was eating dinner together again. Leo hadn’t said anything about the list since he read it. Donnie was grateful for that.
Raph was speaking. “I’m just sayin’, Mikey got more things than I did when I was his age.”
“Yes,” Splinter said. “Parenting will always be unfair. I am sure there are things all of you find unfair about how I’ve parented you.”
“Donnie has a whole list of things that are unfair,” Leo supplied.
Donnie’s head turned to Leo so fast that his neck cracked at the motion. He felt his heart rate spike. His face stretched into an uncomfortable smile. He didn’t– why would Leo say that? He at least had the decency to look mildly guilty. Donnie laughed. “He’s lying.” It came out far too high and strained.
Splinter turned to Donnie. “Is this true?” he asked carefully.
“No!” Donnie blurted, standing up. He was done with his food. He had to put his plate away.
“Donatello—” Dad started when Donnie went to the kitchen.
“I have to go meet Kendra.” That wasn’t true. He just had to get out. He needed to be anywhere but here. “We’re going to go watch a movie.” He put his plate away and went to his room to put shoes on. Kendra had been wanting to watch a movie that was in theaters for a little while now. This was actually the perfect time.
He looked up and Dad was in the doorway. “My son, please talk to me.” His voice was pleading, shot with emotion that Donnie hadn’t heard from him in a long time. It was weird to hear from him.
“I have to go,” he said, grabbing his bag from his desk chair and pushing his way past Splinter. He could feel his dad’s eyes on him as he opened the garage door, but he didn’t turn around. Splinter let him go.
Donnie started the car and left the house. He made it all the way to the end of the street before he felt the tears start forming, but he forgot to take his eyeliner off after school and he knew it would streak terribly. “Fuck,” he whispered to himself. “Fuck.” What was he supposed to do now? He couldn’t go home; they would be waiting for him there. He could call April, but she would only tell him he needed to go back home and talk to his family, and he wasn’t exactly looking forward to that.
He felt his stomach lurch at the thought of going back home. He pulled over to the side of the road and got out of the car just in time to vomit his guts out on the curb. Tears streamed down his face, definitely ruining his eyeliner. Great. God, he fucking hated vomiting. 0/10 experience, would not recommend. He flicked his hands out in sharp stims, praying that it would relieve the horrible wrongness about the universe at that moment. It didn’t. The universe was still horribly wrong and nothing could fix that.
He should have been more careful around Leo. He shouldn’t have been looking at the list near him. He should have known. He sat down on the curb next to his puddle of vomit and wrapped his arms around his middle. He pressed his forehead against his knees. He cried and cried and cried until there was nothing left.
How could he have been so stupid?