Chapter Text
It was a regular, mildly irradiated morning in the wasteland.
The sun was rising, the tumbleweeds were bounding, and Lucy MacLean was still fast asleep. Or at least she was, until Dogmeat decided to do something about that.
“ARRRF ARF ARF! RRRWOOOOF!”
Lucy didn’t just wake up. She almost jumped right out of her skin. Dogmeat was barking, which could only mean there were enemies nearby. But what kind of enemies? Raiders? Radroaches? Feral ghouls? Worse? Her heart practically vibrated in place as she fumbled for her pistol.
“Dogmeat! What is it girl!?” Lucy asked, frantically pointing her gun around, looking for the danger. She could see nothing out of the ordinary, but Dogmeat was still barking up a storm. “Dogmeat?” Lucy turned towards the dog, and was startled by an unusual sight.
Dogmeat, the normally calm and aloof member of their trio, was now standing on her two hind legs. The dog was struggling to keep her balance, swaying as she urgently barked and snarled at the confused vault dweller.
“What on earth?” Lucy lowered her gun. “Dogmeat? What’s wrong?” She had never seen Dogmeat act like this before. The dog took a couple of hesitant steps towards Lucy, its front legs held forward for balance.
Lucy holstered her weapon and approached the distraught pooch. “Hey, hey, it’s ok girl,” she said in her most soothing voice, reaching out to give Dogmeat a good scratch on the head. To her complete and utter shock, the dog snapped at her.
“Hey!” Lucy yelped, quickly withdrawing her hand. Dogmeat, her faithful and most trusted friend in the wasteland, had bitten her. Lucy checked her hand for injuries. Thankfully the skin wasn’t broken, but the action still rattled her.
Dogmeat finally stopped barking, falling back on all fours. The mutt still wasn’t back to normal though, evident by her raised hackles and bared teeth. Lucy backed away slowly. Something was terribly wrong with their dog, and she decided to seek Cooper’s expertise in these matters.
“Cooper! Something’s wrong with Dogmeat. I think she’s rabid!” Lucy urged, not daring to take her eyes off the mad dog. “Cooper?” She wondered why he hadn’t said anything yet. Surely all the barking should have woken him up by now?
“Hi!”
Cooper’s voice rang out, bright and cheery. Startled by his unfamiliar tone, Lucy dared to look away from the angry mutt. Her ghoul companion grinned at her, sitting on his behind with his legs bent awkwardly and his hands flat on the floor.
“Cooper?” Lucy asked uncertainly, for his cheerful expression frightened her more than the rabid dog at her back.
“Hi!” He repeated in the same bright and chipper voice, grinning like a goofball.
Had the entire world gone mad? Lucy was about to ask Cooper what his deal was, when she heard Dogmeat growl behind her. She quickly turned and watched as the angry dog rushed towards Cooper.
Dogmeat started furiously barking at him, snarling viciously while Cooper grinned back happily. “Friend!” He stated, seemingly oblivious to the fact that Dogmeat was currently as ill-tempered as a feral mongrel.
“Cooper!” Lucy cried, exasperated. She could handle one of her traveling companions going stark raving mad, but not both. At the sound of Lucy’s voice, Dogmeat stopped barking and turned towards her.
“Dogmeat?” Lucy asked. Cooper turned away from the dog to grin at her instead.
Something was starting to click in Lucy’s brain. She slowly approached her two companions, not quite wanting to believe what her mind was telling her.
“Cooper?” She cautiously asked the dog. To her horror, it nodded it’s head at her.
Lucy then turned to the ghoul. “Dogmeat?” She asked incredulously.
“Hi!” Responded the happy ghoul, before panting lazily.
“Oh no,” Lucy gasped, turning back towards the dog. “Cooper, are you in Dogmeat’s body?!” The dog nodded it’s head again before mournfully howling.
The ghoul cocked it’s head curiously at the howling dog. “Friend?” Dogmeat asked. Cooper stopped howling and snarled at her angrily.
“Friend,” Dogmeat stated, satisfied. She began panting again, her pink ghoul tongue hanging out of her toothy grin.
This was too much for Lucy. “How on earth could this have happened?” She asked out loud. Both companions turned to look at her. “What do I do?” She directed her question at Cooper. He barked at her a few times before she remembered he could not talk in Dogmeat’s body.
“Ok ok, I’m sorry,” Lucy sheepishly apologized. “Yes or no questions only. Cooper, has this ever happened to you before?”
Cooper shook his head no.
“Have you ever heard of something like this happening to anyone before?”
Another no.
“Do you have any idea on how to fix this?”
Yet another no.
“Rats,” Lucy scratched her head and considered her options. “Dogmeat, do you have any ideas?” She figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask.
“Go.” Dogmeat chirped.
“Go?” Lucy asked excitedly. “Go where girl?” Did Dogmeat know where to go to fix this mess?
“Go,” Dogmeat repeated. She turned around in a little circle before looking back at Lucy expectantly.
“Oh,” Lucy realized. “Oh you need to go. I see.” Lucy balked for just a moment, but quickly snapped into action when Dogmeat began to squat down.
“Nonononono girl, wait a minute!” Lucy frantically pulled the ghoul back up to a standing position. “Don’t go just yet! You gotta take your pants off first!” She started unbuckling the ghoul’s belt, and was promptly stopped by a furious Cooper latching on to the sleeve of her jumpsuit.
“Ow! Cooper stop it! Dogmeat has to go to the bathroom!” She tried shaking off the rabid mutt, but Cooper refused to let her go. Dogmeat tried squatting again, and Lucy pulled her back up with her free hand.
“This is ridiculous!” Lucy felt her patience wearing thin. Cooper may now be inhabiting a dog’s body, but that didn’t mean he had a right to treat her like this. She didn’t want to do this, but he left her no choice. It was time to use Vault-Tec’s patented negotiation skills.
“Cooper, be reasonable,” she said as calmly as possible. “Dogmeat is in your body now, and she has to go to the bathroom. Do you want her to make a mess in your pants?” Cooper growled, but still wouldn’t release his bite. Lucy wondered what on earth could possibly make him hesitate so much, when a thought struck her.
“Listen, I won’t look, ok?” Lucy reassured him as she pulled Dogmeat up from another attempted squat. “I promise I won’t look. I just need to pull the pants down so she can do her business. Will you at least let me do that?” She held her breathe, hoping that Cooper would listen to reason.
He growled again, warning her not to try any funny business, before reluctantly letting her sleeve go. Lucy quickly unbuckled the belt, and turned her head away while she pulled the pants down to the ghouls knees. Dogmeat immediately squatted in place and started to piss.
Lucy closed her eyes and tried not to pay attention to the sound of trickling urine. I sure hope she doesn’t need to go number two, She thought to herself. Cooper watched her face closely with bared teeth, making sure that she kept her word and didn’t look at his unmentionables.
Finally the trickling sound stopped, and Dogmeat stood back up. “Good girl,” Lucy muttered, still not looking as she pulled the pants up as high as they would go. “Is anything… visible?” She asked Cooper. He glanced at his waistline and shook his head no.
Relieved, Lucy turned and buckled his belt up at once. “Good girl Dogmeat,” she said once she was finished.
“Hi!” Dogmeat said, eyes twinkling with happiness. To hear and see such pure joy coming out of Cooper’s gruff face was truly an experience Lucy would never soon forget.
“Right. Well,” she looked around, unsure of what to do next. “Options. What are our options?” She thought carefully. Cooper had once told her that Vault-Tec performed a variety of experiments inside the vaults. Perhaps one of them involved body swapping experiments?
But where could she find out more information about that?
“We could go to Vault 4,” she said, thinking out loud. “They might be able to help us out. Or at least point us in the right direction.” Cooper snarled at that, voicing his displeasure.
“Do you have a better idea?” Lucy snapped at him. “Because it’s not like we have a lot of options here.” She crossed her arms and waited for his response, but he had none. Cooper raged at her, biting and snarling in her direction, having what she would have referred to back home as “the mother of all tantrums.”
Dogmeat just sat there placidly, with a toothy grin a mile wide, and a look that said both of her braincells were currently fighting for third place.
In other words, neither of her companions had any other ideas.
“Okie-dokie then. Vault 4 it is,” Lucy exclaimed, clapping her hands for emphasis. “Does anyone have anymore objections before we set off?”
“Food!” Dogmeat yipped.
“Yeah, I’m hungry too girl,” Lucy sighed. “Let’s eat before we go.” She carefully removed the ghouls saddlebags from Dogmeat’s shoulder. Lucy dug around and found a handful of ass jerky strips. She tossed a couple to Cooper, and he silently ate without complaint.
Lucy then offered some strips to Dogmeat. She giggled when Dogmeat took them out of her hand teeth first, leaving a smudge of ghoul saliva for her to wipe off.
For her own breakfast, Lucy chose a can of cram. She ate the mystery meat while she watched Dogmeat gnaw on the dried strips of flesh. How silly the ghoul looked, sitting on all fours, happily chewing on some ass jerky, not a care in the world.
Speaking of the ghoul, Cooper had finished eating his ration and was circling in place nervously. He squatted and began relieving himself, when he noticed Lucy was watching him.
“Sorry, sorry!” Lucy quickly apologized, embarrassed. She looked away while Cooper angrily barked at her. Gosh, I hope we can fix this mess soon, she thought. Lucy didn’t know how much longer she could handle her topsy-turvy companions.
Cooper finished doing his own business and walked over to her, huffing in annoyance. “Good boy,” Lucy told him, attempting to lighten the mood. She reached down to pet him and received a nasty nip on the hand instead.
“Ow! Bad Cooper!” She scolded him, cradling her poor hand. His teeth had grazed her skin this time, and a tiny drop of blood began leaking out.
“Bad.”
Cooper’s voice rang out, no longer cheerful and carefree. Lucy turned and saw Dogmeat baring her teeth, approaching Cooper with a dangerous glare in her eyes. Lucy had seen that look on the ghoul’s face many times before, and her blood ran cold.
“Bad,” Dogmeat repeated, snarling as she advanced on the confused Cooper.
“Wait, wait no, Dogmeat!” Lucy grabbed on to the ghoul’s duster, frantically trying to hold her in place. “No, it’s ok! He didn’t mean it! Cooper’s nice! Cooper’s a friend!”
Dogmeat paused, cocking her head to the side. “Friend?” She asked. Dogmeat towered over the cowering Cooper, and he stared up at her with white fearful eyes.
“Yes Dogmeat, friend! Cooper is a friend! Isn’t that right Cooper?” Please for the love of god, get with the program Cooper, she silently begged. Thankfully he was smarter than he appeared to be.
Cooper reluctantly approached Lucy, tail tucked between his legs. He gave her wounded hand a tiny lick, before submitting to her, belly up.
“See Dogmeat? Friend. Cooper is a friend. We don’t want to kill Cooper.” Lucy let go of the duster and reached down to rub Cooper’s belly. She felt him tense under her touch, but thankfully he allowed her to continue without further protest.
“Friend,” Dogmeat said, relaxed once again. She sat back down and started panting, grinning at the relieved vault dweller.
Lucy exhaled, slowly standing back up. “Do you have any idea how close you came to dying?” She hissed at Cooper. He flipped himself over, baring his teeth at her indignantly.
“Don’t give me that attitude, mister! What if Dogmeat tore you to pieces just then? What on earth am I supposed to do with a dead dog and a goofy ghoul?” She asked him.
Cooper sneezed at her, almost as if to say “How the fuck should I know?”
“Just promise me you’ll behave yourself, alright? You two are my only friends right now, and I’d rather not lose either one of you.” Lucy said earnestly. Cooper sighed, almost seeming human again with that gesture. He gave Lucy a quick wag of his tail, which hopefully meant he wouldn’t cause any more trouble for their group.
“Ok, good. Well then.” It was only a couple hours since she’d woken up, and Lucy was already tired.
It’s gonna be a long gosh darn day.