Work Text:
Theo likes his new preschool. It's fun, the walls are purple and it's a closer drive to his new house. Theo especially appreciates this because riding in the car is boring, and Theo hates anything that's boring. More than anything, Theo appreciates his new teacher Ms. Kline. She's pretty, and she tells good stories, and she sings a special song at the end of preschool. Theo likes Ms. Kline so much that the week that she's gone is torture. Ms. Nancy is nice, but she doesn't tell the stories right, and she doesn't know that Theo sometimes needs to run around a little extra at the end of outside time to get his zoomies out.
That's what his Eddie calls them. His zoomies, Theo thinks it's a silly name, but Eddie came up with it so that's what they call it. Ms. Nancy is not a fan of Theo's zoomies, even the name seems to make her upset. When Theo had told her about his zoomies she had let out a big sigh and informed him that zoomies are for dogs, not people, Theo.
None of that matters though, because Ms. Kline is coming back to preschool today. Theo can run out his zoomies and do the end of the day dance, and not have to see Ms. Nancy's big stupid poopy face. Only, when his Buck drops him off at preschool, the door is different.
His classroom door hasn't changed since Theo started here. It has all of their names on the door with bright smiley faces. Theo's is red like a firetruck. He got to pick it out himself, but now instead of Ms. Kline's blue smiley face is a new green smiley face. Theo squints at it, hoping if he tries hard enough he might be able to read it. He can read his name now after all, surely he should be able to read other people's names.
"Buck, what does that say?" Theo asks pointing at the evil green smiley face that has replaced Ms. Kline's blue smiley.
Buck looks up at the ugly pukey face and reads, "Mrs. Bryant."
Theo can feel the tears form in the back of his eyes. Who is Mrs. Bryant? And where is Ms. Kline? She was supposed to be back today from her trip! Before Theo can explain the problem to Buck, the door opens and there is Ms. Kline.
Theo rushes to her, worried if he's not quick she might disappear again, "Ms. Kline your door doesn't have your name anymore. Somebody named Mrs. Bryant is there now."
She laughs brightly, "Well, that's because I changed my name. I'm Mrs. Bryant now."
Theo mouth drops open, like in the cartoons he and Eddie watch sometimes while Buck cooks dinner. Buck and Ms. Kline (Mrs. Bryant????) share a grownup look that Theo doesn't understand.
"Theo, my friend, why don't you sit on the rug, and once everyone gets here I'll explain everything."
Theo nods, still uncertain of what is happening. He turns to Buck, giving him a fist bump, at the last second Theo opens his palm so when Buck's fist touches his it looks like a turkey, "Turkey!" Theo cheers.
Buck laughs and turns to leave, blowing Theo a kiss. Theo catches the kiss and deposits it in his pants pocket before sitting down on the rug. He picks the spot between Juan and Nora because Juan has a cool shirt and Nora swallowed a worm last week and didn't even puke. Both of them wave to him, but before they can start talking Ms. Kline begins to speak.
What follows is the most mindblowing experience of Theo's life, and he's been in a car that's been smashed up and he's moved twice. Ms. Kline explains that when she was gone she got married. To a person named Mr. Bryant, and because they love each other so much she is now named Mrs. Bryant.
Changing names is not a new concept to Theo, Buck told him that when he was adopted he could change his last name if he wants to. Theo was excited at first, until Buck told him he could only change his last name to Buckley, not to Spider-man. Chris told him later that maybe if he was patient he could change his name to Buckely-Diaz. Which wasn't as cool as Spider-man, but did have a Z in it which is really cool.
Mrs. Bryant tells them all about her wedding and how she drove to Nevada where her mommy and daddy lived and got married there. She wore a pretty dress and danced to music and even got to throw a bunch of flowers in the air. Mrs. Bryant tells them all about how all weddings are different, but they're special because the adults who do it really really love each other.
Mrs. Bryant even tells them about some of the cool things that people do at their weddings. Theo squeezes his eyes shut hard, hoping to remember everything she says. It all sounds so fun. Theo wants to get married, even just for the presents.
After she finishes talking, Salma raises her hand, "Why would you want to marry somebody?"
Mrs. Bryant uses her thinking face before saying, "Well, part of it is getting to show the world how much I love somebody, and I love Mr. Bryant very very much. It's also nice because you get to live together and spend the rest of your life with that person."
Theo thinks of Eddie who spends a lot of nights sleeping over. It would be much easier if Eddie and Chris just lived with them. The four of them could spend the rest of their lives together. While Theo imagines it Juan raises his hand, "Who married you? My mommy and daddy got married by a guy in a funny dress."
Mrs. Bryant laughs, and Theo can't help but laugh too. Sometimes Chimney wears funny dresses. "We didn't get married by someone in a funny dress. Since we were in Nevada we got married by somebody…" Theo watches Nora fiddle with the tag on her shoe. Maybe Theo should poke it. He shakes his head remembering that Ms. Kline/Bryant is saying something really important. "A justice of the peace. It's a person who can help people get married." Nora fully takes off her shoe, which seems like an awesome idea.
Before long Theo's shoe is also off and he and Nora are trying to switch without their teacher knowing. Theo is smart he'll remember all this wedding stuff to talk about with Buck later.
Theo does not remember to talk about weddings with Buck later because Sara S. went down the slide even though it rained last night and it looked like she peed her pants. Telling Buck that story is much more important than weddings.
When they get home Buck and Eddie go do boring chores while Theo is allowed to play three rounds of Mario Kart with Chris. Theo is really good at Mario Kart. He always plays as the dinosaur, and even when he forgets to hold the button his car still goes. He's just that good at it.
The night continues on in the typical awesome fashion it always does when Chris and Eddie are here, until they finish dinner and Chris starts putting his shoes on.
"No shoes in the house, that's the rule Chris," Theo teases.
"Well it's a good thing I'm leaving the house isn't it?" Chris asks as he reaches for his coat.
"Are we playing outside?" Theo stands to grab his shoes.
Buck clears his throat, "Uh no bud, Eddie and Chris are going home for the night."
No, no, no. He needs Eddie to read him a bedtime story and he needs Chris to be here in the morning so they can have pancakes. They can't leave. Theo is in tears in an instant.
Eddie rushes to him, "Theo, honey, everything is going to be alright. We're just going home for the night. We'll see each other soon. You and I are going to practice catching for tee ball this weekend remember?"
"Why can't you just spend the night? Why do you have to go?" Theo sobs.
"Theo, buddy, they don't have any of their stuff they didn't pack a bag," Buck explains while Eddie rubs circles into Theo's back.
"This isn't fair," Theo sobs as they try and calm him down.
He hates this. He hates when they leave. Eddie hasn't even seen him in his racecar pajamas he was going to wear tonight. Chris hasn't even read the new book Jee let him borrow. Eddie and Chris are his family? Why won't they stay?
Time blurs for a while. Theo cries while Eddie whispers to him, and Buck tries his best to calm him down. Eventually Theo feels too tired to keep crying, despite still feeling sad. Eddie picks him up and helps Theo change into his racecar pajamas without having to be told Theo wants them. Buck reads the new book while Chris sits in the corner.
Theo let's out a small whimper at the realization that Chris and Eddie will still leave. There won't be pancakes in the morning with Chris, and Eddie won't be on the couch if he has a bad dream. He's too tired to worry and instead blinks heavily, a fat tear rolling down his cheek as he falls asleep.
Theo wakes the next morning with a plan. He needs to make Chris and Eddie stay forever. Just like Ms. Kline—no, Mrs. Bryant— said getting married means you get to be together forever and live together. His Buck and his Eddie just need to get married. Simple. What did his teacher say was the name of the person who let's people get married?
He thinks hard for a moment, remembering Nora's shoe game. Think Theo. Justice something. Justice of the Peas! He needs to be a Justice of the Peas. He smiles as Buck enters his room to wake him. Buck doesn't work today and Theo doesn't have school so today is already going to be amazing. All he needs to do now is marry some people.
"Rise and shine, Theo!" Buck cheers.
"I'm already shining, Buck," Theo smiles so hard he has to close his eyes. He has to be extra good if his plan is going to work, "Can we have peas for dinner?"
Theo does his best to hold in a giggle as Buck's eyebrows shoot up. Theo watches the way it makes his mark look like a little love heart above him eye. Theo should draw that on his face again. Wait—focus Theo.
"You can have any vegetable you want," Buck still seems genuinely surprised that Theo has asked for a vegetable. Which makes sense— they're so yucky and squishy and sometimes they taste good, but other times they don't, so you can't trust them. Plus, peas are kinda stinky when they're hot, but Theo needs them. He can't be the Justice of the Peas without any peas. That's just silly.
"I want peas," he smiles once more, "When are Chris and Eddie getting here?"
Buck smiles, clearly just as happy to talk about Eddie as Theo is. They're going to be so happy once Theo marries them. Theo might even let them throw flowers if he can sneak some from the backyard.
"Just before lunch."
"Can I have a Spider-man juice?"
Buck nods. Buck is always more willing to give him his juice with the cartoon heads when it's one from the cabinet. Theo thinks it's because the ones from the store taste better. Once they go into the cabinet they lose some of their sugar magic.
The Spider-man one is his favorite, but he's going to have to sacrifice it for his Justice of the Peas duties. Sara B. in his class said that her auntie and uncle's wedding her uncle stepped on a cup and broke it. Sara B. said the noise was scary, but she didn't even cry. Theo is a lot braver than Sara B. who won't even climb up the slide, so he knows this will be easy.
Buck sets him up with his morning tv show while he makes breakfast. He is careful to drink his juice fast so it will be ready when he needs it, but not too fast that he'll get a tummy ache. Justices of the Peas shouldn't get tummy aches. He knows that for a fact.
He finishes the juice just as Buck enters the room. Theo is careful to place the juice right where he knows Buck is going to step. Buck isn't paying attention, too busy singing the apple slices song he and Theo made up last week. As he places Theo's plate in front of him they both hear the sound of crunching plastic.
"Oh no, I'm sorry bud. Let's try and be careful about leaving things on the floor, and I'll try to be more careful about where I step," Buck sighs as he leans down to pick up the now crushed spider-man head.
Theo nods, "Sorry Buck. Sorry Spider-man." Then, when Buck turns to leave, Theo lets himself smile. This is all going perfectly.
Eddie and Chris arrive just when Buck said they would. Chris has his laptop, which means he has yucky homework, but also means he'll set the screen to show Theo pictures when he's finished with his homework.
Eddie takes Theo outside to play catch, since Eddie knows that Theo is going to grow up to be a baseball player. While outside, Theo starts his second part of the plan, "One of the kids in my class's mom is a tattoo drawer."
Eddie's face lights up, Eddie's the best because he always knows how cool Theo's stories are, "No way."
Theo nods, "I'm going to be a tattoo drawer when I grow up."
Eddie smiles, "I thought you were going to be a professional baseball player?"
"I am, and a nurse and a pilot and a hot dog man and a firefighter," Eddie nods, because Eddie always understands, "I'm already good at all those things though, I need to practice being a tattoo drawer."
Eddie sighs, and Theo already knows he's won, "Can I practice on you pretty please? Buck's arms are too full."
Eddie laughs, "You have a point there. Fine, but washable markers and only on my arms."
Theo cheers. Eddie is the best. Theo can't wait for him and Buck to get married. They head off into the dining room, Eddie grabbing Theo's box of markers on his way. Now all Theo needed to do was do the drawings like henna and write Buck's initials on Eddie like they talked about in class. Theo freezes. He doesn't know what initials are.
Eddie gives him a curious look, "You alright bud?"
Theo nods, even though he is not alright. He's failing his job as Justice of the Peas. He takes a blue marker from Eddie's hand and begins drawing on Eddie's arm. Theo loves coloring, it makes his mind feel all slow. He colors for a long time as Chris types away in the other room on his computer and Buck folds laundry. Eddie's playing that funny game with the letters on his phone.
Theo breathes in deeply trying to remain calm, "Eddie, what are initials?"
Eddie doesn't even blink, unphased by the question, "They're the first letters of your name. So mine are E-D, E for Eddie and D for Diaz."
"Diaz has a Z in it," Theo informs him, just in case he forgot.
"It sure does, bud."
"What are Buck's initials?"
"E and B," Eddie doesn't even look up from his phone game. Happy to be scribbled on. Theo wiggles himself so he's coloring just below Eddie's elbow and draws a green heart and the letters E B. Perfect.
"I think I'm ready to be the best tattoo drawer ever," Theo informs him, because it's true. Even if his job of marrying people doesn't work out, he has options.
Eddie inspects his arms, thankfully unable to see Theo's heart drawing. While Eddie's not looking Theo quickly draws a red heart above his own eye. He likes when he and Buck match. "You really are be best tattoo artist ever," Eddie tells him, "Just remember that we only draw on ourselves or others when we have permission from an adult. Including the birthmark you drew on your eye that you didn't think I'd notice."
Theo giggles as Eddie reaches out to poke his sides. As he moves, Theo catches a flash of Buck's initials and smiles to himself. He's so good at this.
Theo has recovered nicely from the whole not knowing what initials are, but now he's facing an even more serious problem as his whispers to Chris, "I need a rope."
Chris stares at him, "I don't have a rope."
"You're a big kid, why don't you have rope?" Theo asks in genuine shock. Doesn't everyone have rope?
"That doesn't come in the big kid tool kit. Why do you need rope?" Chris asks.
"To tie Buck and Eddie's hands together."
Chris, to his credit, doesn't even blink, "Oh well use your shoelaces."
Theo crosses his arms, "My shoes don't have laces because I don't know how to tie them."
"Well use my shoe laces then," Chris shrugs.
Theo cheers and runs to the entry way to get the laces. It takes him a little bit, but he finally gets them free of the shoes. He plays with the laces for a moment. The pointy end looks like it would be fun to chew on. Just as he points it toward his mouth Buck is calling him to the kitchen for lunch.
Theo pockets the laces and rushes toward the kitchen, "We need to drink tea today," Theo informs him remembering the special tea party some people have before their wedding.
"Do you even like tea?" Buck questions.
Theo pauses, probably not. Tea smells weird, like plants and dirt. "We don't need to drink tea then, but we need to use tea cups." Buck nods, pulling Theo's tea cup set out of the play kitchen.
Theo rushes to the table, making sure to sit next to Christopher so Buck and Eddie will sit together. Buck is the last to sit down depositing a large bowl of peas in front of Theo. Right, Theo asked for this. He's the Justice of the Peas. No matter how stinky and green peas are. So stinky and green.
Nonetheless he grabs a large handful and places them on his plate. Eddie mutters something under his breath about sticky fingers, but Theo is too focused on the stinky peas to notice.
"I have an announcement," Theo states, standing on his chair, speaking quickly so Buck and Eddie don't reprimand him for standing on his chair. He knows butts go in chairs, but this is very important Justice of the Peas business.
"Eddie and Buck I need to tie your hands together and then I need to say my special words."
"Is this a magic trick?" Buck asks.
"Just go with it," Chris tells him, "He seems like he has a plan."
Theo fumbles with the rope for a few seconds before giving up, "Eddie can you tie you two together? Double knots please."
Eddie nods, tying their hands together while Theo climbed back on his chair, "Buck broke the cup, Eddie has special drawings with Buck's initials, we drank tea and now you guys are tied together! Now listen to my speech."
Buck looks at him confused, but both Chris and Eddie seem to have caught on. Chris is hiding his laughter behind his hands, and Eddie is turning bright red in—happiness—probably.
"Buck and Eddie you guys are now married because I am the Justice of the Peas, you can now say hooray," Theo throws some peas in the air for good measure. Then he throws his arms out wide in triumph. Chris's laughter has breached hand containment.
"I'm sorry, what?" Buck asks.
"Theo, honey it's a justice of the peace, not peas. Please don't throw any more peas," Eddie ignores Buck's confusion.
"Oh. Buck and Eddie you guys are now married because I am the Justice of the Peace, you can now say hooray!" This time Theo forgoes the peas and just throws his arms out wide in excitement.
"Hooray," Eddie smirks.
"Um, hooray?" Buck still looks confused.
Chris stops giggling and asks, "Theo where are the rings?"
Theo freezes, arms still outstretched, "What rings?"
"Normally when people get married they wear a special ring," Chris explains.
Oh no. All this trouble and Theo didn't get special rings. Now Eddie and Chris aren't going to stay forever. Theo feels his lips quiver in frustration.
Eddie spots it first, "Woah woah woah, don't worry Theo. It's not the Justice of Peace's job to get the rings, that's our job. Right, Buck?"
"Um, right?" Buck nods.
"I'll go get them from my bag," Eddie stands and begins moving before remembering he's tied to Buck. He groans in frustration before clasping Buck's hand in his and pulling him toward his bag in the entry way.
Eddie returns with four ring pops in his hand and a very confused Buck. Theo cheers at the sight of the ring pops. Both because he'll get to have candy, and because the wedding is saved.
Eddie opens the blue ring pop and gets down on one knee. Buck sputters, "Alright seriously what is going on?"
"Theo wants us all to be a family so he planned a wedding," Eddie begins. Theo nods in satisfaction at Eddie's assessment. "So now I'm proposing to you with a ring pop I bought so our two hell spawns would be distracted while we did dishes. Our lives are intertwined already Buck. I buy four ring pops when I'm at gas station, and I read books on appropriate screen time for preschoolers."
"And you bought me racecar jammies," Theo interrupts.
"And you're kneeling in peas right now," Chris announces.
"And I bought Theo racecar jammies and I'm kneeling in peas because I'm in love with you and our frankly insane little family. Buck, will you marry me?
Buck blinks rapidly for a few seconds before nodding, "Hooray?"
"Hooray!" Theo and Chris cheer.
Eddie rises from the floor and takes Buck by the face to kiss him. Theo squeals, but doesn't object when Chris covers his eyes. Gross.
"No one told me weddings would have kissing," Theo whines.
"No one told you weddings don't have peas," Eddie snorts.
Theo looks at Buck and Eddie who are still embracing each other, "So this means we can live together forever?"
Buck smiles, a little dazed, "Yeah, forever."