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The sound of reki's bag being slammed onto his messy bed filled up the house. He sat down, holding his head in his hands while aggressively ruffling his own hair.
He hated himself, so much.
Reki turned to his bag and opened it, his eyes immediately found the crumpled up maths test that was the reason he was so upset.
He opened it up again. The paper was all wrinkly and it had a few small cuts here and there, however what disgusted reki the most was the score on it.
17%
Usually, reki never really cared for all the small tests he had year round, but this one was different. It was important and had a big impact on his final grade, so he actually studied.
Reki didn't show up at S for a whole weekend since he was busy studying for this test the whole time. He didn't go out with langa either, he didn't skate, text or call anyone and he even skipped a few meals just so he could stay focused.
And his result.. was awful.
He wanted to die from embarrassment, betrayal but most importantly the pure hatred he felt for himself.
The second he received his paper in his crowded, loud class he instantly felt his heart ache and panic rising, but when his friends asked about him he just shrugged it off and said he didn't care anyway.
Which was a BIG lie,
all he did was care.
Now, he was stuck in his messy, hot room, where he was alone with his thoughts and the disappointing mark of his.
His legs shook like an earthquake,
his heart was running a marathon,
his face was as white as a ghost's,
his hands were jumping,
and his mind was racing.
Reki felt completely suffocated, like the walls surrounding him were about to crush him alive into bits.
He stood up, holding onto his bedside table as he felt like he was seconds away from collapsing, and then made his way to the bathroom.
Reki shut the door behind him and immediately fell back, landing on his bottom. The thud echoed through the dark, quiet room.
He shuffled and backed away to the wall, leaning his back onto it. Reki's hands gripped onto the floor tiles as he turned his head around, trying to find a way to calm down his panic attack.
Suddenly, he spotted it.
The white cabinet,
where he hid it.
Where he hid the thing,
that would always calm him down.
He crawled over to it, completely out of breath. His shaky hands opened the cabinet and automatically moved towards the tiny box of pills in the corner.
He grabbed onto the small box and took it with him as he leaned back against the wall again. Reki quickly opened the top and reached inside for it..
there it was..
his blade.
Reki gripped onto it tightly as he threw the now empty box back on the floor. He raised up his jacket sleeve, exposing his left wrist, covered in marker stains and.. old cuts.
Without any hesitation he dug the blade into hi skin, pushing in hard until he saw a red drop forming, then he slowly cut to the side and formed a bloody line.
Seeing the fresh blood pour out of his wrists gave him some sort of satisfaction. The pain calmed him down and seeing the blood pour out made him feel validated.
He kept on going, giving each line a reason.
One for failing, another for getting an awful grade, one for all the time he wasted studying, one for his stupidity and how he couldn't remember anything during the test, one for how he just brushed it off and acted like it didn't bother him, one for the sleep he missed, two for the whole time he left langa on delivered and most importantly, ten, for his strong self hatred.
When he looked back down at his wrist, it was a bloody mess. It stung and burned but reki enjoyed it. The blood kept on coming out more and more slower and slower, showing that eventually it would stop.
Reki sighed and leaned back, he stared at his wrist before throwing the blade on the ground and beginning to clean everything up.
He cleaned the blood off the blade, the floor and his wrist, he cleaned each cut hurriedly but carefully, trying to avoid as much sting as possible, he wrapped the cuts up with only one layer of bandages.
"Ah shit." Reki said, when he realised that he actually only had enough bandages for one wrap. Usually he always did at least six or seven, but he could barely finish up his first wrap.
He slammed his head onto the sink which was right above the white counter filled with the stuff he was currently using to clean himself up, towels, soaps and detergents, and most importantly.. the box holding his blade, sitting in the back corner.
Reki had no other choice but to remain with only one wrap of bandage around his wrist.
He walked out of the bathroom carefully, he was calmed down now but he was absolutely terrified of hitting his wrist anywhere.
It was more fragile than ever, he had to be careful.
...
That night, Langa and Reki pulled up to S together like always. It was a really warm night, people were either in t-shirts or tank tops, then there was reki.. with a puffy, long sleeved jacket.
"Reki aren't you hot in that?"
Langa asked curiously, he was completely unaware of how reki was sweating his ass off and what he was hiding underneath his jacket.
Everyone was trying out tricks, joe and cherry were arguing and trying to decide who's tricks were faster and better while the others watched.
"Give it a break you two!!"
Miya said annoyed while rolling his eyes and crossing his arms.
"Tsk whatever just tell this stupid gorilla to shut up!!"
Cherry stepped away from joe while he chuckled at Cherry's reaction. He grabbed his board and attempted the trick once again, even stronger this time since he added his own hint to it.
As he landed, Joe's jaw was on the floor and Reki was jumping around in amusement while langa and miya stared at him impressed.
"WHAT THE HELL DID YO-"
Joe's loud and demanding voice was interrupted by reki's enthusiasm.
"How did you do that?! Could you teach me??!!"
Reki was smiling widely, clearly excited and impressed. Cherry smiled at the kid and agreed.
"Yeah sure"
Cherry spent about half an hour explaining to reki and langa.. and Joe who was secretly eavesdropping, their approach for the trick, how to keep balance during it and how to pull off the trick as a whole.
Reki and Langa tried the trick repeatedly, of course Langa got it after a few tries but it took reki a while. Although he didn't really mind since he had cherry's mentorship and langa's support.
Then he did it, he did the trick exactly like he was supposed to.
He felt amazing, he felt like he was flying on top of the world like a bird and everyone else was underneath him, admiring him while he entertained them all.
But.. his landing was what really fucked him up.
He was so caught up in the moment that he forgot about stopping.
So.. instead of landing properly like he was meant to, he just went down.
His body fell and eventually hit the ground with a really loud thud. The whole group went silent before they rushed over to him.
Reki was laying on the ground, he felt dizzy and his head hurt a lot. He raised up his head and the first thing he saw was langa's worried face holding his.
Next to Langa sat Joe, Cherry and Miya, Shadow was standing behind them.
Langa helped reki sit up who was kind of giggling, completely unfazed by the hit he took.
"Damn reki are you okay..?"
Joe asked, his voice full of concern and confusion.
"Yeah that looked like a really bad fall."
Miya agreed.
Reki nodded and smiled at everyone.
"Yeah I'm fine, probably looked worse than it actually felt."
Cherry sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose,
"You looked like you were having the time of your life up there."
"I WAS!! IT LOOKED SO COOL!!"
Reki laughed while throwing his hands up in the air. As he put them down, he felt langa gently but firmly grab onto his wrist.
Reki flinched and looked down to see what langa was doing, then he saw it..
Reki's sleeve was soaked in blood and langa was holding onto it. He panicked and hid his bleeding arm behind his back, to hide it from the rest of the group.
Langa stood up, he immediately knew what it was. He slowly dragged reki up with him.
"Me and Reki are gonna get going, we.. need to check something."
Reki nodded along, his whole positive demeanour shifting into panic.
Miya and Shadow who were whispering about something turned their head towards the duo again.
"What's up..?"
Asked Shadow, confused but clearly suspecting something was up.
"I just think it's better if me and reki get home a bit early today, we need to make sure he's not really injured and uh im pretty sure we should sleep early for school tomorrow."
Before they could apologise and walk out hurriedly, they caught Joe's eyes widening and him whispering something to cherry, his eyes darting towards the blood dripping down reki's wrist.
Reki noticed their realisation and urged langa to get out faster, he agreed and apologised again and rushed out.
However it wasn't long before they heard Joe shout "wait" and see him and cherry running behind them.
"shit.. l-langa can we hurry a bit.."
Reki asked, voice full of panic.
"It's okay reki, even if they catch up all they'll do is help, they're not going to do anything to hurt you."
"I- I don't.. want them t-to know..!"
"Reki.. the cuts.. you did them.. didn't you..?"
Reki's face turned pale and it looked like his soul left his body.
"W-What.. c-cuts..? I r-really don't know!!"
"I saw them reki.. they didn't look like an accident either."
"When did you..?"
"Earlier, you put your hands up, and your sleeve rolled down a bit.. i saw them, and I saw the blood coming down."
Langa's face was serious and full of worry. Reiki remembered earlier, when he was so excited after pulling off the trick.
The tension between them was worrying but oddly comforting, they both looked like they were on the verge of tears. The atmosphere was warm, however between the two troubled boys it felt loving.
"I'm sorry langa."
Before langa could answer, he was interrupted by Joe's voice, he sounded out of breath.
"I don't know what you're sorry for but.. we're gonna help you."
Reki jumped at joe and cherry's unexpected appearance. They had just arrived and they seemed to have been running because they were acting like two old men.
"Come on reki, your wrist is.. covered in blood, we need to help."
Cherry said in a rushed and worried tone. Joe agreed and spoke up.
"Come on, get in my car, I'll take you to my restaurant to bandage you up."
Reki hesitated but h didn't have time to argue as in the blink of an eye they were all on their way to Sia La Luce, Joe's Italian restaurant which he was really fond of.
Joe was driving with Cherry in the passenger seat, and Langa and Reki were sitting in the back. Reki was looking down, he was terrified and shaking. Langa noticed and held his hand, while putting his hand on his back.
"It's gonna be okay reki.."
Langa said comfortingly.
"I don't want them to know.."
Reki's voice was barely above a whisper, it was shaky and broken.
"That you.. did that yourself..?"
"Y-yeah.."
Langa rubbed his back and let reki lean onto him. The redhead's face was hidden in langa's shoulder, who could feel his shirt getting slowly wet.
His heart ached at reki's quiet sniffles and he held him even tighter. The car was going as fast as possible, they needed to bandage up reki's wrist as soon as possible. The sleeve of his jacket had went from yellow to soaking red in blood.
As they finally arrived at the restaurant, Joe rushed everyone inside the back of his kitchen, which was where his apartment was.
Reki, Langa and Cherry stood in the living room while Joe went to get a first aid kit from his bathroom. Cherry rushed over to Reki,
"Can you raise your sleeve up? I need to see what you have."
His voice was rushed and hitched with concern, but Reki just grasped onto his wrist even more, he was shaking in fear and his face was pale.
shit. cherry couldn't see.
Reki had frozen completely, he stared at cherry while blood dropped down his wrist and he stuttered while trying to come up with something.
"n-no, it's.. it's f-fine!!"
Cherry's eyebrow raises in confusing and worry.
"Reki.. it's okay.. but i need to see, you're bleeding a lot and this is bad!"
Reki shook his head and stepped back, bumping into langa who held him.
"Reki.. please just.. let them help.."
Langa looked directly into Reki's eyes, he gently held onto his shoulders, trying to calm him down. Reki was on the verge of tears as Langa's suggestion hit him.
He didn't want cherry and joe to find out.
He didn't want anyone to see how deep he went himself.
He didn't want them to think he was weak and fragile.
He didn't want them to..
Joe ran into the room holding the kit, he saw the scene and his body filled with confusion.
"What's going on..?"
Reki didn't look at him and kept staring down. Cherry sighed and turned to Joe,
"He doesn't want us to help him "
Joe's jaw dropped and he slightly gasped,
"Huh?! No way!! It doesn't matter, reki, we have to help."
Joe slowly walked over and grabbed reki's hand, then he held his bleeding wrist. Reki tried fighting back but Joe's grip was firm, however not firm enough to hurt the kid.
Joe whispered an apology before raising up his red sleeve, underneath was a layer of bandage, it was soaking wet with blood dripping from it.
Reki's heart felt like it jumped into his throat from the fear as his stomach twisted into tighter bits.
Cherry stood behind Joe, who was now unwrapping the bloody bandage. As it fell off onto the floor, reki's skin was exposed.
There were open and deep cuts layered on top of each other, blood gushing out of each one. You could barely see his skin anymore as it was covered in these cuts and the blood coming out of them which was now dripping onto floor.
Reki looked away, he was disgusted in himself.
Langa expected it, but he never thought it'd be this bad.
Joe nearly dropped the first aid kit as his eyes filled up with tears and he could feel his chest ache at the sighting.
Cherry's mouth and eyes both widened and he immediately looked up at reki.
"R-Reki.."
"Please... just.."
Reki's voice sounded broken as he still refused to look at everyone else. Langa got a grip and urged at Joe and Cherry to start helping him.
"W-We should t-talk about this later.. but he's gonna l-lose lots of blood if we don't s-start now.."
Langa demanded.
Joe and Cherry snapped back to earth and agreed with him. They sat Reki down and started working.
The two were experienced with injuries as they had helped each other out a lot in their early stages of skating, and even now.
Reki sat next to langa and buried his face inside of his shoulders to avoid looking at himself even more. Langa let him and he even wrapped his arm around his shoulders, holding him in.
Joe and Cherry calmly and gently started by cleaning the cuts and removing all the extra blood and fabric from the jacket which had stuck to the cuts after the bandage tore from all the blood.
Afterwards, they applied a numbing cream on his wrist and specifically around and on certain cuts which needed stitches.
Cherry precisely stitched up four cuts, anytime he tightened the string he could hear Reki whince in pain which made him feel awful.
As cherry finished up the last few stitches, Joe slowly wrapped a few layers of bandage over his cuts. He also took reki's jacket and put it in the washing so he could wash out the blood later.
Reki's face stayed hidden and Langa didn't move an inch, not wanting to scare reki off him. Cherry and Joe sat in front of them, they looked down, afraid of saying anything.
The silence was awkward and it made reki even more scared, he didn't care anymore, he just wanted to disappear. But he felt so bad, so awful, he ruined everyone's night, everyone's perspective on him, and now he looked like a depressed kid who can't control himself.
"I'm sorry.."
It was unexpected but made everyone turn their head's at him. Langa looked down at him and cherry and joe looked up at him.
"What are you apologising for reki? You haven't done anything wrong."
Cherry spoke up firmly, he continued,
"Reki.. how long have you been doing this to yourself for?"
Reki built up the courage to look up at Cherry, who was looking at him with a worried face.
"Since.. the last year of elementary.. i was 9.."
Cherry gasped quietly and his eyebrows furrowed.
"You've been.. cutting yourself for 7 years?"
Langa asked, the realisation and terror in his voice evident. Reki nodded and ran his hands thru his hair.
"And when did you do those.. they looked really recent?"
Joe spoke up, gesturing at Reki's bandaged up arm. He was hesitating to say anything he whole time as he was scared that he could've said something to offend reki.
Reki hesitated and looked down, he scratched the back of his neck and sighed. It was recent, really recent. Not even 12 hours ago.
"Just.. earlier today."
The words hung in the air and langa's eyes widened before he made reki look at him.
"Today..? W-Why..? W-What even happened..?"
Langa's voice sounded broken, his eyes were slightly watery as he felt very horrible about the whole situation.
He couldn't believe that he possibly saw his friend hurting and didn't notice, or ask if he was okay, or just do anything about it at all.
Reki looked at him with a heavy heart, he started tearing up.
"I-I'm just so s- stupid!! I can't d-do anything right. I hate myself s-so fucking much!!"
Reki started crying, he was sobbing and bawling, tears wouldn't stop falling down his eyes.
Joe repositioned himself next to reki and he wrapped his arm around his shoulder, comforting him and letting him cry. He occasionally patted it and whispered small reassurances.
Langa held Reki's hand and stroked his cheek, wiping away his tears with his thumb.
Cherry kneeled down in front of him, he looked up at reki and adjusted his glasses before speaking.
"Listen reki, I don't know what has gotten you feeling like this, however i must have you know that you are no where near stupid or good for nothing. You're a really strong kid who's really skilled and has always been there to support the people around him. You're talented in many things. You shouldn't hate yourself for things you can't control, you're amazing reki and don't let your failures get to you."
Reki sniffled as he listened to what cherry had to say and as he spoke, the spark in Reki's eyes came back. When Cherry finished, he stared at him in amusement and smiled.
"Thank you.. so much cherry.."
Cherry stood up and offered his hand to reki's, signaling to help him stand up. Reki took it and stood up and immediately hugged cherry tightly.
Cherry smiled warmly and hugged him back before reki pulled back and let cherry speak again,
"You're going to be okay reki, don't worry."
Joe and Langa also stood up,
"Yeah reki, you know we're all here for you, we're not only here for you to skate with in your free time but you can always talk to any of us. We'll always be here for you."
Joe said warmly and comfortingly before ruffling reki's hair till he pushed his hand away. Joe laughed at reki's messy hair, who laughed with him back.
"Come on, I'll get you two home alright?"
Langa and Reki agreed and eventually they found themselves in Joe's green car, sitting in the backseat while Joe and Cherry argued in the front seat about directions and short cuts.
The two boys laughed at seeing the two adults arguing, who didn't really stop until they arrived at reki's house.
Reki and Langa got out and turned back to the car before heading in.
"Langa! Don't you want us to get you home?"
Joe asked, confused on why langa had gotten off already.
"No it's okay, I'll be sleeping at reki's tonight"
Joe smirked at Cherry, who couldn't fight back his appearing smile. They were probably thinking the same thing.
"Well have fun you two!"
Joe said teasingly as cherry rolled his eyes at him. Reki smiled at Cherry and Joe,
"Thank you for the ride!! And well.. everything you've done for me tonight."
His voice softened towards the end and cherry and joe just smiled at him warmly.
"No worries kid! We're here for you okay? Don't ever forget that!!"
Joe answered, his tone was loving and caring. Cherry nodded,
"Goodnight you two, sleep well"
As the car drove away, its exhaust filled the air, making the two boys cough and eventually laugh.
They didn't know what was funny, but they just felt the need to laugh. The whole night had been so exhausting and so much to process, but they were just happy to be together again.
As they helped each other sneak back inside the house through reki's old window, they finally got to relax themselves.
Reki gave langa a pair of his pajamas that he could change into, surprisingly he always wore them anytime he unexpectedly slept at reki's house. They were black pajama pants and an oversized white t-shirt with some random designs on it.
Before they got into reki's messy bed together, reki checked his phone, just to see over 99 missed calls from miya..
Langa jumped at the number and Reki genuinely started sweating. He looked at langa who was now holding in his laugh before calling miya back. Who immediately answered.
Miya: "REKI!! OH MY GOD!! WHAT HAPPENED?! WHY WEREN'T YOU ANSWERING?! ARE YOU OKAY?! WHY WERE YOU BLEEDING??!!"
Reki: "MIYA!! Calm down buddy!! I'm fine- wait what? You saw that..?"
Reki paused when he heard Miya mention him bleeding, possibly he couldn't have seen it, right..? Langa rubbed his back as he was hearing the whole conversation unfold.
Miya: "Yeah? When you and langa ran off I saw it drip down your wrist!! Is everything okay??"
The realisation hit reki and he sighed while pinching the bridge of his nose.
Reki: "I'm fine.. a few old cuts just re-opened once I fell, but I'm okay now!! Nothing to worry about!!"
Reki was as enthusiastic as usual as he tried to keep his voice as alive and positive as always.
Miya: "You better be okay!! You got me and shorter so worried.. and I thought something bad happened when you didn't answer, I swear I spammed you how didn't you hear your phone ring?!"
Reki: "SORRY!! Cherry and Joe were helping bandage me up, but everything's okay now!!"
Miya: "Phewww, well I'm glad you're okay."
Reki: "Thanks Miya!! Anyways I think I'm gonna go to sleep now cause, I'm really tired!!"
Miya: "Yeah okay, see you tomorrow reki!!"
Reki: "See ya!!"
Miya hung up and reki put down his phone on top of the nightstand next to his bed. He layed down, next to langa, who shut his eyes and buried his face into reki's face while holding his waist.
Reki smiled and closed his eyes as well, he rested his head on top of langa's and eventually fell asleep.
...