Chapter Text
Boys dont cry.
Brendan Espinoza 📷⋆⭒˚｡
The air was warm with laughter, but brisk and snappy as the night crept in on the group of four, who were currently walking down the sidewalk in Shoshanna and Joel’s neighborhood. Brendan had his arms around Chase and Joel’s shoulders, despite the awkward height difference between them, leaving him leaning weirdly as they walked. His throat hurt from laughing so much that he had to take a minute before speaking up.
“So, we’re still going to film something for Video Club?” He almost-slurred, grinning a little. He had to push his glasses up his face; they had fallen down while he laughed.
“Mhm, if we can even manage to pull off your stupid ideas,” Chase breathed, bringing a hand up to Brendan's hair in an affectionate gesture. Brendan subconsciously leaned into Chase’s hand.
Shoshanna rolled her eyes despite her smile and pushed the trio forward after seemingly deciding they were all moving at too slow a pace. “Watch out for the ghosts, they prey on kids who can’t decide whether or not they want to keep their neighbors up at 10 pm.” She joked, speaking in a deep, guttural, and uncanny voice as if she were a monster.
Brendan cackled giddily, “Are you saying I should choose to be loud and annoying?” His voice was still hoarse, and his speech was a bit broken as he sped up his pace. Unfortunately, that meant he had to drop his arms that were around his friends. “I can certainly do that!” He basically yelled, playfully turning his speed walk into a jog.
Just as he was turning the corner that led to the playground they were trying to get to, a hand snatched his hood and pulled him back, causing him to let out a yelp of surprise.
“Don’t think that my physical skills went away when I fell off that roof, I’m still as fast as when I was the star of the Hurricanes!” Chase laughed, pulling Brendan backward. Even he seemed to underestimate his strength and accidentally sent Brendan falling backward onto him. “Ow!” Chase exclaimed sharply as they hit the ground, but still giggled a little through the pain. Though Brendan observed he had an almost sad expression, as if he was mourning something.
“Soooo not cool, Chase, I thought you were done with bullying me!” Brendan said, deciding to ignore the out-of-place mood Chase wore, instead, trying to lighten the mood as he climbed off of him. He offered his hand to Chase, but he didn’t take it, getting up by himself. Brendan half-smiled at Chase, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. He knew something was off about Chase, though his thoughts were interrupted by Joel and Shoshanna, who had caught up to them, both out of breath.
“Joel forgot the stuff at our place—” Shoshanna sputtered, turning to Joel, who nodded, offering Brendan and Chase a sheepish smile.
“Of course he did,” Chase mumbled, and Brendan could hear the bitterness in his tone from their proximity. He frowned. Something was up with him, and it began to worry him. Shoshanna clearly noticed it as well, yet didn't mention it, hurrying along with Joel.
“I’ll leave you two alone then!” She forced out in a happy tone. Brendan watched as the two disappeared down the sidewalk, pink creeping up his neck at Shoshanna’s suggestion. He glanced at Chase, expecting him to share that same feeling, but the blonde turned in the opposite direction. Brendan looked away, disappointment blooming in his chest.
“Why don’t we go mess around on the playground?” Brendan offered and smiled, noticing that Chase lit up a bit.
“Yeah, sure,” Chase said. He led the way, taking Brendan's hand and crossing the short distance from where they fell to the park entrance. Brendan squeezed Chase’s hand, and Chase returned the action.
There was this weird merry-go-round in the playground that had seats and an empty space in the middle, so, while waiting for Joel and Shoshanna, they decided to mess around on that. Chase was sprawled out in the middle of it, a relaxed smile on his face while he let Brendan push the structure. Brendan noted that his mood had returned to normal, and though he thought it weird, he was glad his Chase was back to normal.
Brendan jumped in after making sure the merry-go-round was spinning fast, legs awkwardly entangled with Chase’s. They moved around, allowing Chase’s head to rest on Brendan’s lap. The longing look in Chase’s eyes calmed Brendan, and an indescribable warmth settled in his chest, seeing Chase so at peace, a contrast to the earlier hollowness.
They sat comfortably for a while, Brendan doing most of the talking as the sky darkened even further and stars peeped out. Brendan stared up at the pretty dots that painted the black night, admiring them for a moment before he heard Chase,
. ݁₊ ⊹ . 📽.ᐟ
“Hey, Brendan?” He whispered. They had changed positions, shoulder to shoulder. By now, the merry-go-round had completely slowed, leaving them in an overwhelming silence. The cheerful moment they shared minutes ago faded into something much duller.
“Yeah?” Brendan paused. “Is something the matter?” He asked, shifting his weight uneasily.
Chase brought his knees up to his chest, crossing his arms around them to hold them close.
Brendan turned to face him with his chest, leaning forward slightly. “Chase. You’ve been acting weird this whole time. Are you okay?” Brendan asked gently, bringing his hand over Chase’s, lifting it up between both their bodies as their fingers intertwined.
“I… it’s, I just don’t think I can…” Chase started, but trailed off in a sad tone. In one quick action, he seemed to get even smaller, letting go of Brendan’s hand, hiding his face.
Brendan’s brows furrowed, and his expression twisted. It couldn’t be a worse scenario, right? They- they were doing so well together, constant hangouts and conversations with him flowed so smoothly, almost perfectly. Time seemed to move so slowly when Brendan looked into the boy's greyish-blue eyes, slightly hidden behind his blonde strands- Chase couldn’t possibly mean it... that he couldn’t ‘do’ their relationship anymore? Maybe Brendan was overthinking it… he hadn’t done anything wrong, had he…?
“I- I just don’t think I can really handle it. It isn’t your fault, I just don’t want to be in a relationship where I constantly remind my partner of our past, and I don’t want to be pitied, even if you love me.” Chase choked out, tugging slightly at his blonde hair and rocking in his seat.
Brendan’s eyes widened. His shoulders dropped, his vision blurred slightly, and his hands shook. “I- What- No! I don’t pity you-” He stammered, rushing to try and console his boyfriend (if he could even call him that anymore), but his efforts were to no avail as Chase sharply pushed him away, stiffly scooting a little further away.
Just as Brendan felt the hurt in his chest turn into tears pooling in the ducts of his eyes, Joel and Shoshanna decided to return with the filming equipment. Chase and Brendan didn’t notice at first, but jumped to attention as Joel started speaking.
“Sorry we took so long, Shoshanna decided to grab like five other things because ‘why not I guess!’” He spoke happily, but quieted down when he saw the state of the two. Chase, whose hair was messy and who was curled into himself, and Brendan, whose eyes were slightly red yet still hadn’t fully taken his attention off of Chase. Brendan’s mouth was tight as a line, and his eyes had a desperate and animalistic look in them behind his glasses. Shoshanna and Joel stayed quiet for a moment, the silence suffocating, and Brendan watched them exchange worried glances before Shoshanna’s voice, which was usually sharp and judgmental, shifted to something softer, laced with unease,
“Hey, we can film this another night, maybe you two should go home and rest?” She offered, lowering her arms that held the camera slightly.
Chase hopped out of the merry-go-round surprisingly quickly for someone who seemed so tired earlier, dusting off his shirt, as if he was almost eager to get away from Brendan.
“Yeah, I was starting to feel tired anyway.” He said flatly, face blank. Brendan couldn’t tell what Chase was thinking, if he took into account what Brendan had said before, or if he regretted it at all. That messed with Brendan more than if Chase seemed dismissive or relieved about finally saying it.
“Yeah- yeah,” Brendan muttered, forcing himself out of the crappy plastic seat and walking around it to meet with his friends.
The walk back was horribly and dramatically different from the walk there, giggles replaced by mostly silence, except for the twins' small talk. Chase walked in front of the group, and Brendan lagged behind, hugging himself as he walked. He couldn’t help but let his eyes drag back to Chase’s figure, but always snapped them back down to his feet, as if he felt guilty looking.
Time passed quickly, and they were back at the Weber’s house. Joel and Shoshanna’s parents smiled tightly at the two. The lights in their house turned off one by one, leaving the two in darkness.
“Let’s go,” Chase muttered, almost instinctively reaching for Brendan’s hand before realizing and letting his arm fall limp to his side. Brendan knew that if Chase hadn’t lowered it, he would have taken it. The simple mannerism made Brendan remember the interaction they shared earlier: Chase squeezing his hand, him squeezing back. He wished he had never let go. They had walked down the same area together from school, Brendan remembered. They’d always joke and laugh there, he knew he was going to miss that. He thought they were going to a sleepover at each other's house afterward, like usual, but he guessed that wouldn’t be the case this time.
As they walked, he could no longer keep his feelings tame and quickly had to wipe his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie. He sniffled, but didn’t want to be too loud. Chase only stiffened slightly, which worsened his emotions.
Why didn’t Chase care…? What did I do wrong?
They reached Chase’s house, and Brendan waved slightly at Chase, but dropped his hand at Chase’s indifference as the boy disappeared into his house.
Brendan only made it a few blocks before turning down the side of a quiet street to cry.
He didn’t want to worry his mom. She would already be suspicious of Brendan returning alone or returning at all, and would immediately catch on to his sour mood. He decided that it would be better to let it out alone rather than have his mom try to coax the feelings out of him. He wasn’t ready for that.
His mind was filled with thoughts. Though Chase told him it wasn’t his fault, he still blamed himself, beginning to wonder if Chase would even talk to him after that night. He didn’t even pay mind to how loud he was being, even though he probably should. He didn’t want to annoy his neighbors this late.
He ended up leaning against a wooden fence, the old cedar creaking in protest. Just as he let his back hit the post, his tears finally broke the dam and turned to ugly, full-body sobs that felt so intrusive and involuntary that they left him grabbing at his chest and gasping like a fish out of water. He felt as if he were outside his own body;1 his mind was in an entirely different place, and he just let his body and heart take control. He loved Chase; he still did, though it felt wrong after what had happened.
I can’t do anything right.
To me, it was going so well… was it my fault?
Yes it was. It was my fault.
I probably deserve it.
I can’t just let this happen like before, I have too…
Since I did this.
After he settled on the obvious conclusion, his broken sobs and gasps still haunted the neighborhood despite how silly he told himself it was to grieve something he caused. It took a while to finally convince himself.
After his chest stilled and the tears on his cheeks dried, his face was numb as he shakily got up from his sitting position, leaning on a fence while his knees and legs adjusted to standing again after who knows how long he spent crying.
He checked the time on his phone. It was just after midnight, 12:07. He better hurry up before his mom would think he got into a fight in the street or something.
He opened the door, and of course, met nobody awake. He knew his mother cared for him, but of course, she wouldn’t wait for her son to arrive long after he should be asleep. He was stupid to even think that she would be waiting by the door or at the table, genuinely worried for him.
Brendan made sure to lock the front door and forced himself up the stairs, exhausted and spent. He didn’t even remember to take off his shoes.
He barely made it to his bed before collapsing, soon giving back in and sobbing into his pillow.. Sleep didn’t come easily to him; he woke up and fell asleep in intervals that barely let him get actual rest. Thank god it was a Friday. Besides acting like a zombie in school, he couldn’t handle having to pass by Chase in the hall, or even worse, having to be together with him all of Video club. That thought made him worry further.
What if he doesn’t come back to Video Club?
He let out another sob. He knew he’d miss Chase’s steady filmwork and just his stupid company that always brought up the mood.
Maybe he couldn’t sleep because stupid Chase Ambrose was still conquering his every thought, not because he was sad about the breakup.
Maybe it was long coming
And maybe he deserved it.
But still, just like when he first started Middle school, before the bullying started, all the parts of his mind could only register how much Chase affected him.