Archive of Our Own

Sieun doesn’t like ice cream.

He doesn’t have anything against it, really. He just doesn’t get the hype about it. People go on and on about how heavenly the dessert tastes, that one scoop of it can melt away your pain temporarily or bring a smile to your face. It didn’t really make sense to him, he even thought it was bullshit.

Cause, honestly, how can one swirl of sugar take away the aches one feels every day? It was dumb, irrational. That ache will always come back, ice cream or not. It’ll only sink further into your bones until it becomes unbearable that not even a simple treat can fix it. 

It was just something people said so others would buy and buy the treat, to load themselves with buckets of ice cream. Hide them away in their freezers and take them out from the depths when life gets too much.

It was unhealthy. Relying on sugar as a coping mechanism. It was as equivalent as Sieun drowning himself in his grades, studying until he fell asleep on his desk, hiding away to focus on making his mother proud.

He’d take his unhealthy habits to over fattening himself up with ice cream any day.

But one some random Tuesday, Sieun's friend, Juntae, had managed to drag him along on an ice-cream-pick-up with him. Using the phrase: ‘Reward yourself for the littlest of things’ after Juntae had passed an exam he was retaking for the third time (how the professor even let him retake it so many times is beyond Sieun).

“What are you getting?” Juntae asks when they both entered the parlor. Sieun looks around as his feet carry him over to the counter, and it surprises him how spacious the inside is.

On the outside, the parlor looks small. Like those shops people bypass unconsciously because of how little it was. But the inside was a whole different story. There were booths lined up by the window near the left, giving the perfect view of the sidewalk and traffic. Tables were placed in the remaining space. The seatings were all plastered with the same red-white striped leather.

The place gave Sieun a retro yet modern type of vibe. He looks over at Juntae who is staring at him expectingly, the glasses adding effect to his eyes that shine childishly.

Sieun replies flatly. “I don’t like ice cream.”

“What?!”

Sieun blinks as he watches Juntae’s face converge into shock. Eyes bulging wide and lips part with his jaw slightly slack, it takes everything for Sieun not to snort. He didn’t think it was that shocking, there’s people out there that don’t like what everyone else does. But Juntae seems more shocked by Sieun not liking ice cream than him not liking Chipotle.

After a moment, Juntae finally speaks. “How can you not like ice cream?”

“I don’t get the hype of it, that’s all.” Sieun says, taking his gaze away from the other to look at the menu. His eyes begin wandering around the list of pastries.

“Sieun-ah,” Juntae breathes, a hand placing itself on Sieun’s shoulder. “Can your life get any more depressing?”

Sieun doesn’t tear his eyes away from the menu, but he does spare his friend an unfazed side glance. Juntae lets out a huff and begins to go on a spiel on how amazing and life changing ice cream is. One Sieun heard one too many times that it goes from one ear to the other.

He can see Juntae’s overexaggerated hand gestures from his peripheral, to Juntae’s jutted lip when he takes a breath to his big round eyes. It was cute, annoyingly so.

“You should try it at least. Just a sample!” Juntae insists, squeezing Sieun’s shoulder and giving it a small shake.

Sieun rolls his eyes, shaking his shoulder until the other’s grip loosens. He gives a plain stare over at Juntae’s persistent gaze, watching as his eyebrows droop and his clasped hands rise. Juntae blinks his eyes innocently as his face conveys into one of a pleading puppy.

His eyes softened at the sight. Sieun’s eyes flutter as his shoulders slump and a hefty sigh escapes his lips. Juntae makes a hiss of victory as his face forms into something triumph. But it’s soon diminished when Sieun opens his eyes and glances over at Juntae, a ghost of a smile appearing on his lips.

With uncharacteristic cockiness, Sieun says. “No.”

Juntae lets out a huff and gently smacks Sieun’s shoulder as his brows furrow. Sieun lets out a snicker, the smile dying from his lips as his eyes find the menu once more. Accepting his quick defeat, Juntae waves to catch the worker’s attention from behind the counter.

Sieun can hear the tap of shoes against the tile flooring, the tap from where a palm is placed upon the smooth surface, then a voice that gives him pause.

“Welcome to Sweet Oasis, where the sweets thrive!” The voice booms, and even when it echoes through the parlor, it sounds softer than ever. “Would you like your usual Juntae-ah?”

Juntae peeks over the counter, in search of something. “Hyuntak isn’t in today?”

“Not even ‘how are you, Suho’?” The voice, which Sieun puts the name of Suho, whines. The pout evident in his tone. “Do you really only care about your little boy crush and not his friend? You’ve wound me, Juntae.”

Juntae lets out a small giggle, shaking his head. It’s pretty obvious that Juntae is a local here, a regular the workers know from how the conversation flows. Suho asks if he wants his usual again and Juntae hums in response. There’s gentle tapping of a screen before it stops. Sieun doesn’t realize Suho is asking him something until Juntae nudges his shoulder.

He glances over at his friend before raising his gaze to look over at the worker. When his eyes met with Suho’s, Sieun swears the world just stopped.

His breath gets caught in his throat and he can hear his pulse in his ears. His eyes zone in on Suho. The longer he stares the more he thinks of how beautiful Suho looks. Who made him so pretty?

Suho’s hair is ruffled by the visor sitting on his head, forcing his bangs to hover over his eyes and Sieun is convinced it’s cuter than Juntae’s. The shop’s uniform, a red-white stripe shirt and apron, fit loosely around his frame since the apron isn’t tied properly. His arm is resting lazily on the counter with his other hovering over the device to take the order. There’s a half smile curled at the corner of his mouth and there’s a mole resting on his cheekbone.

Sieun never felt the urge to reach out and run his fingers upon someone’s face. 

He can feel his throat going dry. He’s so busy studying Suho’s face to realize that a confused expression morphs onto his face. It takes him another moment to come back to hear Suho ask: “And for you?”

Sieun sputters. “Huh?”

“Is there anything you’ll like?” Suho asks again, and Sieun notes how soft his tone got. It was like he noticed how stuck Sieun was when their eyes met. The thought brings a flutter to his heart.

At that moment, Sieun completely forgot what he wanted to order. His eyes were darting between the menu but suddenly he couldn't focus on it nor read the small font. He can feel pressure buildup inside him as his eyes land on the showcase beside Juntae. It’s filled with different flavors of ice cream, all separated into their own bucket. Amidst his panic, he points over to the showcase. 

“I’ll take the cookie dough.” Sieun chokes out, averting his gaze immediately. He can feel warmth creep up his neck as he sets his eyes upon his shoes. From the corner of his eye, he can see Juntae looking at him in surprise. Hell, he’s surprised himself too.

Suho chuckles lightly. “Alright. Will that be in a cup or cone?”

“Cup.” Sieun mumbles.

“Will you like any toppings?”

“No.”

Suho types in the order then faces the device towards them. Juntae reaches for his wallet and pulls out his card, tapping it upon the card reader. It beeps with a cheery chime as the terminal lights up, a ‘THANK YOU’ popping up with a smile face below it.

It’s when Suho retreats behind the counter to make the orders that Sieun lets out a breath. His cheeks feel warm and his heart is haywire in his chest. Not once has his body ever reached like that to anyone, especially not some stranger. Juntae seems to notice and gasps.

“Oh my god.” The corners of Juntae’s mouth are curling into a smile and Sieun looks down at him. Confusion written all over his face.

“What?” Sieun blinks when the other grabs at his wrist and begins to drag him. They settle into one of the booths, the one closest to the entrance. Juntae sits right next to him with a giddy smile.

Juntae gives Sieun a teasing look. “Did you just fall in love?”

The question strikes right between Sieun’s eyes. He chokes on air as he snaps his head to look at the other whose face looks too innocent for such an absurd outburst. Yet as the question sinks deeper, as it settles into a manageable level. He ponders.

He’s heard the saying ‘it was love at first sight’, how lovesick it made girls and boys. He remembers listening to his mother ramble about her first love before his father, squealing when she explains how they met. A waiter and customer. He read many books that had a hint of two characters meeting eyes in a crowded room and felt breathless.

It never appealed to him until now. He replays the interaction in his mind. Suho’s chocolate-colored irises staring back into his, the smile curled on his lips and that mole. His nose that Sieun wanted to trace down to his jaw, his cheeks that Sieun wanted to cup and feel the softness of skin in his palm.

It was so…so dumb.

Sieun doesn’t believe in love at first sight. Relationships need to be built, it needs to have stability. They need to follow a strict syllabus for a healthy connection to even form. That’s how relationships work, at least for Sieun. That person needs to understand that Sieun’s studies and grades are a crucial factor of his life. That his career means more than some ephemeral connection. 

And Suho…Suho’s just some random guy who manages to steal his breath. Who managed to be so beautiful that Sieun couldn’t resist not admiring him. He doesn’t know him on a neutral basis. If he did get to know Suho, would he even be able to handle him? Would Suho understand why he studies so hard for someone who doesn’t give him a second glance? Would he understand why he is the way he is?

The simple and most logical answer is no. No, Suho wouldn’t understand. Sieun ignores the pit forming in his stomach, shaking his head lightly to snap himself out of it.

“This isn’t some fantasy, Juntae.” Sieun mumbles, scooting closer to the window to put some space between them. Juntae lets out a huff.

“Are you just trying to deny the fact that you did fall in love?” he teased with a grin, resting his elbow on the table to settle his chin against his palm. “It’s okay to admit you did, Sieun-ssi.”

Sieun doesn’t say anything. He keeps his eyes trained on the window, watching as people walk past and cars phasing across the street. He doesn’t want to continue this conversation and he’s grateful Juntae takes the hint, cause he gives one last snicker before changing the subject.

As they discuss some random topic, Suho comes strolling towards them. There’s a smug smile on his face and some sort of ease within each of his steps, like he’s done this so many times that it comes off as second nature. Sieun lets out a breath as the worker comes by their table.

“A butter pecan sundae for Juntae-ah,” Suho says singsongly. Sieun observes how slacked his shoulders are, how every movement seems lazy yet flourished.

“And cookie dough for…” Sieun tenses when Suho meets his eyes. He has his head tilted off to the side and it reminds Sieun of a curious puppy. There’s a look of expectation in Suho’s eyes, as if he’s waiting for something.

“…Sieun.”

“And cookie dough for Sieun!” Suho hoots as he places the cup in front of Sieun. The spoon is already stuck into the scoop of ice cream and it takes him a moment to notice the chocolate drizzle on top.

Sieun looks up. “I didn’t want any toppings.”

Suho looks at him with a quirked brow, his lips jutting out in confusion. His eyes drop down to the cup of ice cream and blinks slowly. It takes a few silent seconds before his mouth forms into a shape of realization. The smugness of his smile dissipates to replace it with softness.

“Ahh, don’t worry I didn’t add it to your bill.” Suho waves a hand. “I put it on my employee discount. But it tastes really good with the drizzle, trust me on that.”

Sieun blinks before he eyes the cup once more. It does look a bit more appealing, but he wouldn’t admit it out loud of course. He reaches for the spoon hesitantly, scooping up a tiny chunk and slowly brings it up to his lips. He sends a quick glance over at Juntae, who is smirking teasingly. God, he wants to slap him.

Sieun shoves the spoon into his mouth, wincing slightly when the coldness hits his tongue. Then he frowns. He chews slowly and lets his brain decipher the taste. It’s sweet, savory and addictive. The coolness of the treat makes him suppress a shiver and it leaves a faint thickness on the back of his tongue when he sallows.

He glances over at Juntae that is now looking at him, waiting for an answer. Suho, who used the time to sit across from them, is also staring at him expectingly. It was like Sieun was a judge of some food rating show and the two were the competitors.

Sieun chews on his bottom lip. “It’s…okay.”

Juntae has a smile on his face and he gently claps his hands together, while Suho bows to an invisible audience as if he won the competition.

“It’s too chocolatey though.”

Sieun almost snorted when he saw Suho’s face drop and halts his bow. He straightens his back, replacing his expression with a jokingly firm expression. His lips are jutted out with his eyes narrowed.

“I’ll make that clear with the head chef, he won’t mess that up again.” Juntae huffs a laugh as he reaches for his own spoon and begins to pick at his sundae. Suho notices more people coming inside the parlor and excuses himself.

Sieun watches the worker retreat behind the counter, introducing himself the same way he did before. A bit of disappointment filters in his chest, already missing the warmth of Suho’s presence. He bites at the corner of his mouth to draw his focus back onto his dessert. He manages to scrape off the chocolate drizzle until it reaches the bottom of the cup.

Juntae strikes up a conversation as they both enjoy their treat. Suho would occasionally butt in here and there when he came around their table to serve other customers. Sieun takes notice of how his heart stutters whenever Suho comes by, flashes a toothy smile then vanishes back behind the counter. He takes note of his lips pulling into a ghost smile and Suho smiles back impossibly brighter.

They were all fleeting moments of smiles and eye contact that Sieun seemed to keep in a chest in the back of his head. Locking it and swallowing the key so nobody can ever steal those memories. The only one who was lucky enough to witness it all was no other than Juntae, who was smirking behind his mouthful of ice cream.

Soon enough, it was time to head back to campus since their classes started soon. Sieun had to shove down the disappointment he felt at the thought of leaving.

“We’re gonna head out Suho-yah!” Juntae shouts from the doors, hand reaching for the knob as his other hand waved. Sieun looks over at Suho, who’s wiping down their table, watching him look over his shoulder and raises a departing hand.

“Come back soon, yeah?” Suho nods his head over at Sieun, scrunching his nose up a little. “And you too! I’ll be expecting both of you here next time I work!”

Juntae hoots back. “You got it boss!”

Sieun watches the other walk out of the parlor before looking back at Suho. He’s still staring at him, Sieun swears he sees him tense up as if he got caught doing something he shouldn’t. He gives a firm nod of his head and a small wave before following Juntae out, missing the adoring gaze of Suho.

Sieun catches up to Juntae to wait at the crowded crosswalk. The instinctive chatter mixes along with tires along worn out pavement. He keeps his gaze down on his shoes as he shuffles a bit, inching closer to Juntae when someone joins in the crowd.

He looks back on their departure. Remembers Suho back facing him, it wasn’t until then did he notice that his apron was now tied properly. He remarks Suho scrunching up his nose like a bunny, how cute it was.

As the light for the crosswalk turns into the walking figure and they both begin to walk along with the crowd, Sieun stares straight forward before opening his mouth.

“When does Suho work?”

“Huh?” Juntae gives him a quick glance before returning forward. “He works every Tuesday.”

Sieun hummed and took a right turn once they were on the opposite side of the crosswalk. A silence follows afterwards, save for the sounds of cars or shuffles of shoes on concrete. It’s only after two whole moments that Juntae glanced over at Sieun and smirks.

“Why? Are you gonna pay him a visit every Tuesday?”

“No.” Sieun replies without missing a beat.

Juntae only snickers. “We’ll see about that~”

After walking a couple more blocks, taking side streets and multiple turns, they finally arrive back to campus. Juntae uses both hands to wave frantically as he makes his way to his compartment of the campus while Sieun goes to his.

As he walks towards the science department, Sieun thinks over the newly found information he’s gotten. Suho works at Sweet Oasis every Tuesday, he always seems to wear a smile on his face and his posture is lazy, relaxed, and he has a mole on his cheekbone. He doesn’t know if the last one counts as heavy information, or anything really except for his work and time.

Sieun takes his usual seat with his bag left untouched in the chair next to him. He reaches for it and begins to take out the necessities for his class. He manages to push any thoughts of Suho to the back of his mind, making a single promise to himself before writing down his to-do list.

I’ll never go back to that place again. Not on Tuesdays at least.

ᢉ𐭩

“Sieun-ah!” Suho shouts for the counter at the sight of the regular popping inside the parlor. Sieun flashes half of a smile before shuffling over to his usual booth. “Ah, it’s such a blessing to see your presence today. I feel blessed already.”

Sieun rolls his eyes, sitting in the corner booth in the far left corner. It became his spot after how many times he popped in every Tuesday. He only ever came there for the ice cream and to study because the vibe in here always suits his preference. It’s totally not because of Suho’s warmth, the sound of his fiddling around with the equipment behind the counter, or the faint sound of his voice.

Yes, it was the vibe. It was always the vibe.

“Should I mix up the special for you and your studious brain?” Suho teases as he shuffles behind the counter. Sieun already knows he’s making his order without even getting a confirmation.

The midday glow of the sun filters in through the window, painting the parlor in a golden hue with dust particles loitering around. It felt cozy, warm, and safe. Sieun likes safety. He gets comfortable in his booth and places the books upon the table. One by one, he opens them up to the specific pages needed for his study then grabs his pen. With a quick skim over the page, Sieun gets to writing down notes.

His pen moves between the columns of his notebook, occasionally stopping to highlight important points or the definition of a term. He moves mechanically like he was programmed to do so. Like he was a robot. And if he were anyone else, he would admit to it. It’s just how he adapted, how he learned that it was grades that brought love and attention.

Sieun is halfway through his first set of notes when Suho comes to his table, holding a circular tray with his order sitting on top. Two slices of sourdough bread on a plate and his cup of ice cream. His order slowly advanced the more he showed up which he’s grateful for. Suho gave him a lot of recommendations when he wanted to try something new.

Sourdough being one of the suggestions. Suho went on a whole ramble about how it tastes just like the ones his grandmother would make when he was younger. Sieun was so sucked in by the story that he decided to give it a try. Since then, he always took two pieces of it with his scoop, actually eating something relatively healthy before his dessert.

“Thank you.” Sieun hums when he spares the worker a quick glance before flicking back to his notes. Suho sings a welcome as he places the dishes off to the side where it didn’t come near his books. Sieun is grateful for the gesture, ignoring the warmth in his chest.

Suho takes his seat opposite of Sieun and rests his chin in the crook of his arms. It became a small habit that formed unconsciously. Suho would come and deliver his order then sit down across from him, watching him focus. Suho would listen to Sisun rant about the subject he’s studying about, he learns something new everyday.

Today was a quiet one though. Sieun kept his lips sealed as his gaze flickered between his notes and the textbook. Suho just watches. His eyelids blinking slowly as he soaks up the sight in front of him, he doesn’t even hide the fact that he’s staring. It is blatantly obvious. Sieun has come used to it and it doesn’t make his fingers tremor anymore.

Sieun reaches for a slice of sourdough. He finishes off his first set of notes, rolling his wrists to ease the small ache. Suho notices. Sieun tenses up at the feeling of the other grabbing his wrist without warning, almost choking on the bread he’s chewing on. He sputters when he feels gentle fingers slowly working into his skin.

“What are you doing?” He breathes out, relaxing just a bit as Suho’s fingers massage the tense area. This was a first. This was nothing like Suho throwing an arm around his shoulder. This was nothing like the fleeting physical touches of fingers brushing when Sieun reaches out to get his order.

It felt more…intimate. Something sacred for only them. Sieun wants to dwell in it and keep it locked away from any prying eyes, he wants this moment drilled into his memory. 

“I’m giving you a massage, what else?” Suho says casually without even knowing how fast Sieun’s heart is beating.

“Shouldn’t you be…I don’t know, working?”

Suho’s movements halt. “Baku!”

It doesn’t take long before a person appears behind the counter, arms behind his back as he ties the apron around his body. He was dressed in the very same uniform as Suho, visor pushing his bangs into his eyes and shirt loosen around his frame.

“What’s shaking bacon?” Baku calls back. He walks behind the showcase, reaches for a sample spoon before scooping up a blob of mango ice cream. Suho hisses in protest but Baku already has the spoon shoved into his mouth.

Suho shakes his head. “Can you cover for me? I'll be back in like five minutes, six tops.”

When Baku gave a hoot of agreement, Suho turned back to Sieun with a smug look on his face. Sieun rolls his eyes before nudging his wrist forward, a silent command to keep going which Suho takes without missing a beat. He traces every little movement of Suho’s thumbs working dexterously against his cardinal tunnel. 

His fingers massaging all the way up to Sieun’s forearm then coming back down to his wrist and he has to stuff his mouth with the bread to not make a sound. With each roll of fingers or faint pressure, the ache slowly dissipates which pulls a relieved sigh out of Sieun’s throat.

He murmured a ‘thanks’ to Suho before stuffing the last bits of sourdough into his mouth. As Sieun dusts off his hand, he can feel the annoying prickle of crumbles loitering around the corners of his mouth. His eyes look around the table in search of napkins only to realize there weren't any and mentally curses to himself, fingers bundling up his sleeve into his palm before raising it to his mouth. 

He doesn’t usually use his sleeve as a replacement but he doesn’t want to embarrass himself by sticking his tongue out and licking up the crumb, nor does he want to bother Suho for something so small.

But with him so focused on not embarrassing himself, Sieun didn't even realize Suho had got up to the small table against the wall. Littered across the table were napkins, straws for drinks, and extra spoons for ice cream in case no one received it up at front. Suho grabs a couple before returning to the table, batting gently at Sieun’s sleeved-hand that was ready to wipe away the crumbs.

“Aish, don’t do that,” Suho huffs as he places the napkins down. “You’ll ruin your hoodie like that.” he reaches for the cloth with one hand while the other rests just below Sieun’s jaw, his movements were hesitant before his fingers gently cup Sieun’s jaw. 

Sieun can feel his stomach twist as heat rushes to his face. Suho was touching him. Touching him. It takes everything in him not to lean into the touch, into the warmth and softness it emits and one quick nip on the inside of his cheek does the trick.

He watches Suho cover his index finger in the small opening he made in the napkin, and very slowly begins to swipe at the corners of his mouth. The motion was gentle, lingering occasionally. Sieun wonders if his soul has left his body because he can’t breathe. The air was sucked right from his lungs to leave his throat dry, his body was stiff and his mind was screaming. It was telling him to shove the other away but also to lean into him, it was telling him to snap out of it and take the napkin for himself but something inside him relishes in the way Suho cradles his jaw.

When Suho’s hands move away from him, Sieun looks up to stare at him. He wonders what Suho sees because once their eyes meet he pauses, eyebrows shooting up and lips parting. He frowns and brings a hand up to feel around his mouth, fingers searching for any leftover specks.

Sieun blinks. “Are there still crumbs on my face?”

Suho stutters out a response, shaking his head. “Uh–um, no. I got everything. Sorry, I was stunned for a second.”

Stunned? Sieun’s frown deepens, gaze lingering on the other before picking up his pen. He averts his eyes off to his notebook while his hand mechanically flips to the next page of his textbook, yet when he tries to focus his brain just wouldn’t cooperate. No matter how hard he tries to memorize the scientific formula or write down scientific definitions, his mind swings back to Suho’s face. His eyes wide, lips faintly parted, and (if Sieun never gawked at Suho every time he went to the parlor, he wouldn’t have noticed) the tips of his ears going flush.

Sieun looks up from his notebook for a moment. His eyes search through the afternoon rush in search of one person, filtering through the huddle of bodies until they landed on the worker behind the counter. Suho’s back was turned to him as he messed around with the equipment and the look he had earlier was now gone, replaced with that casual smugness. 

He listens as the other calls out the order name before handing it to the rightful customer. He watches the way Suho flourishes with every movement he makes, how his body cooperates with ease that Sieun envies, how a smile always seems to hang on his lips without faltering. It’s enough for Sieun to get pulled in easily, as if he was caught in some gravitational force that brings him to Suho.

Love at first sight.

Such a dumb myth. There’s no way one can fall in love by just one glance, it’s nearly impossible. It was just how the brain interpreted the sudden contact. Dopamine, norepinephrine, and oxytocin buzzing into focus before it morphs into euphoria, how the brain registers and judges the warmth from the person before claiming that they’re safe to be around. And with such a rush of excitement it could often lead to misjudgement, misattribution.

It was dumb, irrational. Just some exaggerated saying for others to be jealous of someone else’s relationship.

Suho catches Sieun staring, his expression speeding through emotions before it settles into something soft. Sieun watches as the other tilt his head off to the side like a curious puppy, and he swears that if Suho had a tail, it would be wagging nonstop. He can feel his lip twitch a little as he watches Suho mouth: “What are you looking at?”

Sieun lets out a silent snicker, mouthing back. “You.”

A gummy smile forms on Suho’s lips. His eyes narrowed into slits and if it were from any other angle, Sieun would think he closed his eyes. That’s how big he’s smiling. He watches as Suho brings both hands to his chest, his face scrunching up in pain before his head flops low. He stays like that for a beat or two, then he straightens up and morphed his clasped hands into a heart, sending a small wink over to Sieun. The action causes Sieun’s lips to twitch into a stupid smile, his shoulders hiccuping in silent laughter.

It was moments like these Sieun cherished the most. Where he can smile without a care and use his facial muscles, where the heaviness lifts from his shoulders, his chest filling with warmth instead of coldness. It was like everything that bubbles inside him daily has vanished which he relishes in each time it happens, temporary or not. But every single time, without fail, a voice manages to creep up in the back of his head. 

It’s sharp and cruel, so familiar it brings a shiver down his spine. The voice draws him back to his studies, seethes at him to focus on his education rather than what he truly wants, focus on his future rather than present.

Sieun’s smile dies on his face. His usual stoic expression blooms on his face as he averts his gaze, zoning in on his notebook before him as he drags the pen along the columns between the paper. That ache gradually returns to settle comfortably in his chest, the heaviness pushing into his shoulders as he confines himself into focus. And the ache twists even more at how easily Suho accepted when his mood shifts. To casually move on with his shift as if nothing has ever happened and Sieun is grateful for that but a small part of him wishes for more. For Suho to come over, to ask what’s wrong and wrap his arms securely around him, whispering soothing things as his fingers thread through his hair.

It was so dumb. 

So dumb to feel the way he does. Sure, over his course of coming here he did learn a couple of things about Suho and Suho learned some things about him, enough to form a friendship between them. A friendship that continues to grow each day, and it scares Sieun each and every time. Because Suho began to read right through him. 

He was able to zero in on his face and see right through the facade he keeps up, to be able to read his thoughts before Sieun can even piece them together, to see the line Sieun had set up between them and being careful not to dare cross it. Those smallest of gestures only make Sieun fall deeper into this tide of emotions, swooning and dreading at the same time.

If Suho ventured even further and found what was behind all this stoic, coldness, would he still hang around him? Would he still reciprocate the feelings Sieun has? If he does, that is. Sieun’s not sure if he wants the answer to that, wondering if it would bring him closure or more pain to fill his already overfilled jar. 

He doesn’t want that. He would rather take the negligence of his parents any day than Suho leaving his life as quick as he entered. He thinks he wouldn’t be able to handle it if that ever happens. The thought only fuels the ache burning in his chest like a wildfire.

Sieun ignores Suho for the rest of his shift and Suho doesn’t dare to stop it. They both went about their evening, busying themselves with their priorities in hopes it’ll help bypass time faster. Even when ignoring him, Sieun’s eyes always find Suho’s figure and he scolds himself each time it happens.

And when Sieun isn’t looking, Suho is staring at him. His eyes scan and search for a hint to no avail, yet he partially knows the reasoning. It was a pattern he was slowly piecing together the more the two spent time together, yet he doesn’t show that he knows if that means it’ll drive Sieun further away.

The sun begins to dip lower towards the horizon. Its glow filters through the window in an orangeish hue, the sky outside was painted in a beautiful contrast of pink and dark purple. Sieun begins to pack up. His eyes feel heavy and a bit strained for glaring into his notebook for so long along with the tension built up in his wrist once more. 

He runs a quick palm over his face before slinging his backpack over his shoulder, feet already shuffling towards the door. But he’s only able to grip the knob before a familiar voice calls out for him, one that makes his heart skip a beat without his permission.

“Sieunnie, you leaving?” Suho jogs over to him, tilting his head a bit when he stands in front of him. He turns his head to look over at the other to give a nod but when his gaze settles on Suho, his eyebrows shoot up. Suho is out of his uniform that Sieun is so used to seeing on him, and it bewilders him how Suho keeps getting prettier and prettier each day.

What blesses his eyes was the other, dressed in a university hoodie, a white shirt peeking underneath from the collar, paired with black sweatpants with his hands shoved into the pockets and worn-out sneakers. There’s a navy fanny pack slung over his shoulder and since he’s not wearing the visor anymore, his fringe sits comfortably against his forehead. Sieun notices that there's a bit of a natural curl at the end, he so desperately wants to twirl his finger around but he settles for fiddling around with the knob.

Sieun nods once he stops gawking. “Mm.”

“Let me give you a ride. It’s late and I don’t like the thought of you walking back to the dorms.” he doesn’t even get to reply before Suho, batted at his hand to let go of the knob, opens the door. 

Sieun blinks once then twice, registering the words bit by bit while the other waits outside holding the door open for him. He shouldn’t accept it. It’ll only stir the emotions swirling around in his chest even more, it’ll confuse him and run him into a corner until he decides to give up. He’s already being pinned in the corner with his mind commanding to back down, yet his body doesn’t follow the order.

Sieun steps out of the parlor. He waits for Suho as he shouts inside, bidding a farewell to Baku who is now currently closing up, and follows him over to his motorcycle. He’s seen the other ride it a couple of times. He’d watched from the window inside the parlor as Suho came round the corner and parked sloppily because he was a few minutes late. 

It always makes him ponder how the other manages to keep his balance when he’s in a rush, if it was Sieun he would’ve fell flat on his face. Once they were close enough, Suho reaches for the helmet hanging upon the handle bar and holds it out towards him.

“Shouldn’t you wear it?” Sieun asks with a quirk of his brow. Suho juts out his bottom lip, eyes looking around in thought, before shaking his head. Now it was Sieun’s turn to jut out his lips, brows pinching into a furrow. “Why?”

Suho shrugs. “I’ve driven this guy for at least three years now, with and without a helmet. You on the other hand haven’t even hopped on a motorcycle, so you have the honors of wearing it.”

“That’s stupid. You’re the one driving so you should be the one to wear it.”

Suho sniffs, pushing off from the vehicle to approach him. Before Sieun has a chance to question what he’s doing he feels something slip over his head, flinching when the shield is slapped shut. He blinks while he stares at Suho through the visor in disbelief and watches the small smile form on his lips.

“Cute.” Suho hums as his hands gently pat the sides of the helmet. Sieun feels embarrassment creep up on his cheeks as he waddles over to the vehicle, Suho helps him get on the seat before getting on himself. He takes the keys out of the pouch, starts the motorcycle and kicks up the stand. 

He doesn’t take off instantly, Suho double checks that everything was in place. He then reaches behind himself for his arms to bring them around his waist. Sieun tenses up. 

“Hold me tight, I don’t need you falling overboard.” Suho snickers lightly.

The teasing doesn’t help with how flustered Sieun is. His whole face was burning up and if it was possible the visor would fog up with how warm his face feels. He doesn’t tighten his grip, he keeps his arms wrapped loosely around the other’s middle but as soon as Suho begins to drive away from the curb, he tightens it instinctively. 

It earns him a muffled chuckle from Suho and Sieun has to resist the urge to slap his shoulder. The air whips past his ear while the streetlights and builds zoom by in a blur, it was overwhelming and mesmerizing all at once. Sieun can feel the wind weave around him when the vehicle sped up, it felt amazing. He felt like he was flying, gilding around midair without anything heavy weighing him down.

He takes a deep breath. His arms curl further round Suho’s waist unconsciously the same time he exhales, he lets himself melt into the warmth of the other making up for all the times he didn’t do it. This makes the perfect excuse. He lets the side of head rest upon Suho’s shoulder while he shuffles a bit to make himself a bit more comfortable. He’s never felt any safer in his life. The only things keeping him from falling asleep was the nip of air and the occasional tap upon his knee by Suho checking in, the gesture brings a flip in his stomach as a smile twitches upon his lips.

After the vehicle rounds the last corner, Sieun can see the dorm building not too far ahead. Suho slows down to park near the curb before kicking down the stand to hold it up. Sieun watches him as he hops off the seat and holds out a hand to help him off, which he takes hesitantly. He takes off the helmet then hands it off to Suho, watching as the other lazily places it upon the seat.

“Let me walk you to your dorm.” Suho offers and Sieun, despite his mind yelling no, hums. He gets a head start while Suho pulls the key out of its ignition before jogging to catch up with him. 

A comfortable silence fell between them as they walked inside, down to the end of the hall where Sieun’s dorm was placed and when they reached the door, Sieun stopped to turn towards Suho. Their irises collide with one another like second nature, Sieun can feel the air shift between them almost instantly. 

The silence now fills up with tension. Not the kind where you’re sweating bullets because someone figured out a dirty secret you kept but the kind where you’re preparing to hear something you’ve longed for. Sieun blinks slowly as he feels his blood rush past his ears, his heart going haywire the longer his eyes bore into Suho’s and the more he looks, he can make out a flicker of emotion within. 

It’s unreadable, a twinkle that Sieun can’t decipher for the life of him, though he takes note of the other’s body language. His posture isn’t lazy like it always was, his back was straightened with his arms to his side rather than deep inside his pockets, it reminds Sieun a lot like a soldier during roll call.

They just stare at each other for a few, long moments. The tension only brewing more and Sieun feels like he’s on the tip of his toes, his fingers fiddling with the strap of his backpack unconsciously. 

What is the big deal of all this? Why is Sieun’s heart spiking over simple eye contact? Why is his stomach twisting in knots and his nerves jittering around as if something was gonna pop out? And what’s with Suho staring at him like he’s ready to risk it all? Ready to spill everything he wants to say but bit his tongue to keep it in. Sieun swallows thickly.

God he hopes not.

“Sieun-ah,” Suho starts, his voice barely audible but he manages to hear it. Sieun gives a nod, his teeth gnawing the inside of his cheek as he waits for the other to continue, mentally preparing himself as well. “You know you can be yourself around me, right?”

His heart sank to his stomach. Sieun grips the strap of his backpack, grounding himself as he tries to suck air back into his lungs. Out of everything he was expecting, which was a million possibilities, he didn’t think that is what falls from Suho’s mouth. 

It takes him a few moments to actually register the question. And when he does, his mind begins to race. Was he not already acting like himself? He acts like he usually is with Juntae, cold but soft around the edges, did he not act that way with Suho? The thought only seems to make his nerves stutter more than it should.

“I do act like myself around you.” Sieun mumbles.

“I mean, yeah you do but…” Suho lets out a sigh, a hand reaches to rub the nape of his neck. “It feels like you’re more restricted with me than you are with Juntae. I’m just concerned if I’m making you uncomfortable or not to make you feel that way.”

Sieun feels a sting at his chest as his eyes soften a twig. There is a hint of pain plastered on Suho’s face and he wants to wipe it away, he wants to see that infuriating smug smile on his face rather than what he feels now. He pushes down the urge to stay silent, taking a breath before speaking.

“You don’t make me uncomfortable. I was like that with Juntae before too.” Sieun reassures with as much gentleness he can muster. He wants to reach out for Suho’s hands, hold them in his own and give them a tight squeeze to show he’s being genuine but he hopes his words were enough to prove that. 

Suho sucks in his cheek before poking at it with his tongue, he shifts his weight onto one leg then to the other in a contemplative motion.

Suho mutters, hesitant. “Did it take this long for you to open up to Juntae?”

“It’s different with everyone, Suho-yah. That’s just how I work.”

“It takes two whole years to open up to someone?” Suho asks, his voice growing firm and Sieun bites his tongue. He hates when this happens. Where he has to explain why he’s the way he is, why he doesn’t open up immediately to anyone like the way others would, like how Suho opened up to him. 

He knows about his personal life and knows just how to give him the support he needs when he’s upset, but Suho doesn’t know how to care for Sieun. He can only do so much with little information.

“No, but like I said, it’s different with everyone—“

“But what is it that is making you hold back?” Suho cuts in, confusion is fixed on his features and the question gives Sieun pause. It seems to knock the air out of him cause he can no longer breathe, stuck in his throat. He doesn’t realize how bruising his grip is on the backpack strap until he looks down, catching a glimpse for how white his knuckles are. 

What is holding him back?

He knows exactly what. His studies. His future, the urge to please someone who would barely give him a glance. That’s what. Everything that he adapted to, everything he had drilled into his daily routine is what’s holding him hostage. Keeping his hands and legs bound with chains under the piercing gaze of his mother boring into him. It was everything that’s holding him back from reaching out to Suho, to finally embrace with open arms, to accept that he deserves what’s laid out for him.

Yet the scolding voice of his mother squats around in his head. He can even hear her now, the sneering authority in her tone telling him to focus on what’s important. ‘Think of your future’, 'Do you really want to disappoint me’. No he doesn’t. He knows deep down inside he does want to disappoint, he wants to rebel against the standards of his parents, to for once stand up for himself. 

But how can he when he longs for their attention? And the only way to obtain said attention was by working down to the bone for ‘A plus's? To reach the highest podium, to achieve every possible educational medal, to go beyond others?

“It’s complicated, Suho. You wouldn’t understand.” Sieun finally murmurs after a long, painful moment. His eyes stay pinned on the ground, ignoring the other’s gaze piercing the crown of his head. He can’t look, he doesn’t want to since he already feels the tingle of tears forming.

“Then make me understand, Sieun-ah,” Suho replies and his tone is softer than before. His hand reaches out but retreats back to his side immediately. “I want you to be yourself without any restrictions around me, to let me see the real you.”

“But what if you don’t like the real me?”

“Why wouldn’t I like the real you? It’s you, Sieunnie.”

“Exactly, it’s me.”

Suho frowns, blinking. “What do you mean?”

A groan emits from Sieun’s lips. “It’s just—“

He brings his palms over to his face, rubbing at his face. Exhaustion is pulling at his eyes, irritation is bubbling in his veins because of himself, he wants nothing more than to just flop into his bed. He needs a day or two to get his head straight, to pinpoint this conversation for another day to nitpick answers that Suho might need. He’s already reaching for his keys when he lets out a small sigh, hands away from his face to reply.

“Let’s pick this up some other time, Suho. I’m exhausted and I’m pretty sure you are too. Goodnight.”

Sieun shuts the door once he’s inside his dorm, not giving Suho the chance to protest. He toes off his shoes and drops his back by the couch as he walks further into the space. He can hear the faint reluctant sound of footsteps walking away, the noise growing more distant with each step. Another huff escapes his throat as Sieun speeds through his night routine. He brushes his teeth, washes his face, changes into a set of comfortable clothes before flopping on his bed.

He doesn’t bother with washing up, he’ll make sure to take extra time in the shower the next morning. He turns off the lamp on his nightstand then curls up under the covers, hugging them close to his chest as his eyes flutter shut. 

His body slowly melts away into the comfort of the mattress and the warmth pooling in the covers. And despite his body relaxing into a state where he could easily fall asleep, his mind is still wide awake. Everything that has happened today and everything he felt flashes through his mind in mockery.

He doesn’t fall asleep until two-thirty in the morning.

ᢉ𐭩

Sieun fights against a thrumming headache as he waits for Juntae and Beomseok to arrive. They’ve planned a study hangout for today a week in advance to avoid any conflicts or disruptions. He wonders if he should just cancel on them. He barely got any sleep last night thus he has a headache, his mind is a jumbled mess of his future, responsibilities and Suho, also feeding into his headache. 

He was surprised that he was even able to get out of bed, take a shower, brush his teeth, and his whole morning routine. He was able to muster enough strength for that but he doesn’t think he has it in him to get through this hangout.

Even if it’s just studying, his mind won’t cooperate. It’ll be too busy rethinking back to the conversation last night. Suho’s pained expression, his eyes flickering with something that Sieun can’t read between, the softness in his tone that makes Sieun want to bawl. He rubs at his temple as he sighs. That conversation will be resumed sooner or later and he’s not even a bit prepared.

A knock pulls him from the depths of his mind. He takes a deep breath to ground himself before standing up from the couch, shuffling over towards the door. He opens it just enough to peek through and he draws it open further once he spotted Juntae with Beomseok right behind him. 

He steps away from the door to let them in, retreating back to the corner spot where he was sitting earlier. Juntae makes himself comfortable in the opposite corner while Beomseok settles on the floor.

“Are we gonna do a silent study or is it gonna be ‘study while discussing latest gossip’ today?”

Beomseok snorts. “Told you he’d buy it.”

Sieun frowns in confusion. His eyes dart between Juntae and Beomseok to see mimicking smiles on their faces, their moves almost synced as they reach for their backpacks. Juntae places his bag in between himself and Sieun, unzipping it to reveal the hidden snacks and drinks inside while Beomseok pulls out his laptop from his. 

Sieun watches it all unfold, taking a bag of chips and sparkling water that was handed to him, watching as the TV flickers on so Beomseok can connect to it. He doesn’t fully process what’s happening until the screen loads up onto the TV, showcasing a browser listing movie after movie as Beomseok scrolls through it. 

He glances over at Juntae with wide, confused eyes and he doesn’t even have to ask anything because the other explains instantly.

“We’re having a movie night, or well day, instead of a study session!” Juntae explains cheerfully, his eyes scrunching up at the edges as a lopsided smile forms on his lips. 

Sieun blinks once, then twice before his face returns back to its neutrality. He glances back at the TV to see the beginning of ‘Elemental’ sprawl onto the screen. Beomseok places his laptop onto the coffee table before settling into a comfortable position on the floor, ripping open the pre-made popcorn and Juntae does the same with his snack. 

Sieun watches them for a moment, debating whether or not to follow through with this plan instead of the one planned. If he had to be honest, this was probably better than the study session in so many ways. Minimal thinking, only a bit of side chatter, a distraction to get away from studies and his mind. 

A deep gratitude bubbles within his chest as his fingers move to pop open the can of sparkling water, settling deep into the couch as he trains his eyes on the screen. The scenes manage to pull him in, engrossed as the fire people walk through the city they just stumbled upon in search of shelter. 

He wonders how the two are gonna live in a city full of elements that aren’t their own, they can easily burn someone’s leaves with just a spark, water can extinguish them or they can vaporize water, and air – well, maybe contaminate their air quality?

The three of them watch the movie in complete silence, save for the crumble of plastic bags and gentle slurps and snickers when the earth boy tries to impress Ember. Sieun feels contentment ease through his bones and melting any tension in his muscles, the more scenes displayed before the more his mind drifts into something blank. 

Manageable, pristine. 

For once his mind isn’t all jumbled. Not racing with thoughts that makes his chest fill with doubt, with thoughts of how he needs to study and not slouch around, with thoughts debating against welcoming Suho in or not at all cause he can’t let go of his parents’ attention, affection. He was just there. With his two friends, snacking on junk while watching a movie like normal university students.

He soaks every single moment of it. Dwells in the rare contentment he feels and enjoys the other presences with him.

He wishes it was like this all the time.

Sieun is on the edge of his seat as the scene plays out before him. Ember storms out of Wade’s residence to her motorcycle, mocking the words Wade had said and when he sits on the backseat as if it was a declaration, she drives off without hesitation. Throughout the haphazard ride her and Wade are going back and forth, and the words that leave Amber’s mouth gives him pause.

“You don’t know me, Wade. Okay?! So stop pretending like you do.”

It strikes in Sieun’s chest for an odd reason, and suddenly all he can think of is Suho. The night before appearing in his mind in flashes. He swallows thickly as he narrows his eyes in an attempt to regain his focus but the universe decided to turn on him like always. The more the scene phases into another the more he resonates Ember and Wade to himself and Suho, weirdly so. 

His teeth sink into his lips as he watches Wade light the stick with his body and using Ember’s glow to burn it, Suho always tries to diminish any low expectation Sieun had felt – proving to him that there was more awaiting than disappointment. He remembers having a deep conversation with him and hearing how the other didn’t like how he always accepted the worst without trying to learn from it, to fix it. 

He learned how much Suho cared for him that day.

As the movie continues, Sieun nitpicks every little interaction between Ember and Wade to compare his relationship with Suho. He feels childish, almost irrational the more he picks through the scenes. Since when did he become so obsessed with such a thing? 

Caring a little extra about what he has between Suho, cherishing a little more when he went to the parlor, wanting more than to just be in Suho’s orbit – more than just revolving around him. And as he continues to bottle that feeling up, keep it shut tight in hopes for no escape, the more he feels the grip loosen bit by bit. 

He gnaws at his bottom lip as a small warmth crept up from his neck to his cheeks and he prays neither Beomseok or Juntae sees the internal battle he’s up against. He doesn’t need to add more embarrassment on top of the bits he’s already feeling nor does he want to interrupt the movie.

Then comes the part where Ember and Wade are huddling around the exit they bursted through, laughing loosely as adrenaline pumps through their veins. Wade sticks out his hand for Ember to grab but she debates against it by saying ‘we can’t touch’, due to obvious reasons. Water and fire don’t go together. 

Wade tries to coax her into placing her hand atop of his which where she hesitates, pulling her hand away when Wade’s skin begins to bubble and lets out a noise of frustration, then she reaches out again after sighing. Their hands meet with steam emitting around it, when they see that it left no damage to either of them, they interlock their fingers. 

Haze fills the air around them as both of them begin to slow dance under the bridge, smiles littering their faces when Ember goes in to initiate an embrace. It’s when she closes her eyes where memories flash before her, her father and the blue flame, the shop, and with a gasp she pushes Wade away to storm off. Wade chases her towards the subway, arguing along the way.

“But turns out you’re just afraid.”

Sieun winces slightly when the words leave Wade’s mouth. A small voice in his head repeats the words over and over again but it’s not harsh. It’s not sneering at him like his mother’s voice would, not seething like other voices in his head when he gets a single question wrong on an exam. 

The voice was gentle, coaxing even. Like it's trying to lure him out of the endless pit he fell in and just stayed there after many failed attempts of crawling out.

“You don’t know what it’s like to have parents that gave up everything for you?!”

He clenches his jaw. He knows what that's like. He was reminded by every report card that wasn’t straight A’s, every little thing he did wrong, every argument he heard from the cocoon of his room. His parents, mostly his mother, never failed to remind him of how his existence is the very reason why they act how they do, even if it was voiced out, Sieun knew. 

He knew by the way his mother would sigh every time he asked for help with homework, the way his father would walk ahead of him when they were out together, the looks of embarrassment when Sieun wouldn’t play with the other kids. It was laced with every little action of their actions that they regret everything and the only way to make them look at him, was education. 

It was always about education. They needed a reason to brag about him, to show him off like he was some prize. And he was happy with it for a while.

For once in his life, his parents finally looked at him with adoration and proudness. It put him on cloud nine through elementary school, he ignored everything and aimed for being first. Being number one. At such a young age, he worked himself to the bone just to please. By the time he reached high school, he'd become numb to it. The praise he received, the smiles from his mother and pats of his shoulder from his father, didn't have the same effect it did when he was younger. 

He’d matured and saw right through the act, not to mention they became more demanding. ‘Let’s try to go for 100% next time’, ‘I know you can do better than this, sweetie’, ‘Win the mathematics award for us’, more and more everyday. And he dealt with it, it was his norm.

But Sieun is so tired.

He didn’t want to live like this anymore, restricted under chains and shackles. He wants to toss it all away, to only get high grades because he wants to and to do it for people who actually care, to finally accept that he doesn’t have to please people who won’t spare him a glance. He wants to be like Ember, getting on that ship to go overseas to make glass and to take her own course in life instead of following her father’s. 

He wants to be able to do the same, spread his belated wings and to soar like he was meant to do, without anything weighing him down. To have his Wade guide him and stick by him no matter how much he tries to hide away.

His Wade.

Ahn Suho.

—

Sieun was alone now. The movie had ended twenty minutes ago, Juntae and Beomseok stayed for a bit before leaving his dorm. Since they left, he’s been pacing back and forth in his dorm as he builds up the confidence to send the text typed out in the box – the send button mocking him each time he looks at the screen. He chews his already-raw lips as he finally sits on the edge of his bed before pressing send, a shaky exhale leaving his lips.

5: 30 PM - Sieun

Can you come over?

His leg bounces as his gaze stays locked on the screen, thumb flicking up to reload the messages. ‘No further messages’ it said each time he refreshes. Sieun was able to close out of the app when a buzz drew him back.

5: 32 PM - Suho

Right now?

5: 32 PM - Sieun

Mhm

It’s about last night.

5: 33 PM - Suho

I’ll be there in 10

Sieun turns off his phone and tosses it behind him on the bed. All he has to do is wait ten minutes, just ten minutes. It would enough time to go over the lines he should be replaying over and over in his head, he should mentally prepare himself for he’s gonna finally reach out for Suho’s warmth, he should be spiraling all over until he sends a text saying ‘nevermind, don’t come, bye’, but he doesn’t. 

Instead he just stands up and begins cleaning his room. He curls the tip of the chip bag, locking it in place with a food clip, he finishes up his sparking water before tossing it out, he cleans off the coffee table until it glistens. He walks off to the bathroom to brush his teeth, the last thing he needs is his breath smelling like chips and mango. It’s embarrassing just thinking about it and to go the extra mile, he changes his hoodie into a light grey one.

When he goes to check his phone, almost seven minutes have passed. Sieun takes a deep breath to calm his hammering heart. He was going to freeball it. He’s gonna let all his emotion burst from the glass he was bottling it into, letting it finally reach the limit and crack open, it’s very long overdue. 

He doesn’t want to think about it too much either, afraid it’ll draw him into a corner like always until he backs out. He doesn’t want that, not anymore. He’ll face it head on with his chin held high. He’ll swallow his pride and let himself be vulnerable, let himself be held up by strong arms that want to keep him upward.

After a couple more minutes, there was a soft knock at the door. Sieun takes a deep inhale before exhaling shallowly then he pushes himself off the back of the couch. He walks with confidence towards the door reaching out for the knob, unlocking it and throwing it open. But as his eyes trail up to find Suho’s face, scanning over every little feature of his beautiful face. His brows are pinched into a serious yet concerned expression with his lips jutting out a bit. The sight makes his bottom lip wobble and tears blur his vision at the edges.

Suho doesn’t get the chance to even speak, mouth already parted to say something, before Sieun hicks out a response.

“It’s just I’m afraid that when you see what's hidden underneath this,” he motions to himself, trying so hard not to let his voice crack. “that you’ll just see how much of a mess I am and decide you don’t want to deal with it.”

Suho blinks, shocked. “What? Sieun—“

“My parents forced me into this norm of focusing only on what's best for them instead of myself. They wanted so much that I had the whole world on my shoulders, struggling to walk on my own two feet. But I don’t want to be in that position anymore.”

“Sieun-ah.”

“They only think of me as some object they can parade around and brag about, and it was the only thing that made me feel seen by them. A—and they’ve never really cared for what I feel or think, and—and I just can’t—“

Sieun halts to a stop when he feels a brute force pull him forward. His head bumps into something hard, almost like a wall, and it takes him a split of a second to realize it’s Suho’s chest. 

He can feel arms wrap around him securely, one rounding his middle and the other cradling the back of his head. The warmth is immediate. It sinks into his bones and wraps him in the safety of a cocoon, he doesn’t hesitate to lean forward—his own arms coming to wrap around Suho. A wrecking sob leaves his lips as his hands dug into the cloth of Suho’s shirt, bundling it up in his palms.

He doesn’t hold back his sobs. He hicks and stumbles over his words as he tries to speak through his tears while Suho shushes him. Sieun feels the other petting the crown of his head, rubbing a hand along his back in soothing motions that seem to draw more cries. Suho manages to shuffle inside, toeing off his shoes the best he could, closing the door behind him as he moves over to the couch. 

He sits them both down onto the couch and Sieun curls into him, resting his cheek against Suho’s chest. Suho tries his best to soothe him, shushing him and telling him it’s alright, humming softly when Sieun weeps instead of talking.

After endless hours of tears and gentle touches, the two end up in Sieun’s bed. His sobs died down into small hiccups, his eyes felt heavy with exhaustion and dry from the salt of his tears, his limbs were tangled loosely with Suho’s — whose arms are draped around his middle, face hidden away in the fluff of his dark hair. 

He feels safe, content and calm in the cocoon of Suho’s arms. His warmth was like a magnet that pulled Sieun in more, his face hiding away in the crook of the other’s neck without thinking it through. He wants to stay like this forever.

“I’m not restricted around you now.” Sieun murmurs, his eyes fluttering shut as he shifts closer to the other until they are chest to chest.

Suho hums, fingers playing with the fringe on the back of Sieun’s neck.

“Why the change of heart?” He asks, pulling back a bit so he can look down at him. Sieun lifts his head from the crook of  Suho’s neck, his round eyes meeting the other’s. He blinks slowly as he thinks through what he could say.

The words leave his mouth before he can even fully process it.

Sieun doesn’t know fully if it was from fatigue that made him blurt it out, slurring a bit over his words, or if it was because he just couldn’t hold it in anymore. Not when he was drenched in Suho’s presence, his safety, not when his arms were draped over him like they were always meant to be there and hands playing around with his hair. The feelings came in full swing and somewhere in him, tenacious and astute, was telling him to just let it out there and then. What was the point of keeping it hidden if he already spewed out everything else?

He hopes Suho will stay, even if it means it’ll be awkward.

“Because I like you…and I’ve been holding in everything for too long now, and you helped me realize that.” Sieun musters the strength to give a small smile before settling his head back into Suho’s neck. 

Something lingers between them, soft and warm that Sieun finds his lips twitching at the corners. He didn’t realize how much he wanted to say it, he’s known what he’s been feeling since the fourth week of going to the parlor ( after various talks with Juntae and lying to himself). And now it was out in the open for all ears to hear.

His chest feels lighter now that he’s said everything he’s ever wanted to, something buzzes in his chest and he can’t seem to pinpoint what it was. Maybe it’s because of how weightless he feels, no more stress or emotion pulling at his heart strings. 

He doesn’t even get to hear Suho’s response, doesn’t get to see his reaction, because he’s out like a light. Exhaustion pulling at his body as it goes limp in Suho’s embrace.

He misses the way the other’s heart skips a beat.

ᢉ𐭩

Sieun looks into Juntae’s full-body mirror, his eyes running over his form. He’s dressed in a gown, a deep navy blue, that hover just above his ankle. A cap sat comfortably atop of his head, the white tassel hanging lazily off to the right — waiting patiently to be moved to the left. Stoles and honor cords hang off his shoulders, one with letters running along down vertically that reads: ‘VALEDICTORIAN’. 

Underneath his gown is a suit that won’t even be visible to any eyes. Why his mother insisted on him wearing a suit was beyond him. You couldn’t even see the thing, only a bit of the white dress shirt poking at the collar, besides that, it was all covered by the gown. But when he put it on this midday, he didn’t do it because it was a command by his mother. No, instead, he wore it because Juntae had bought them matching ties junior year. It was an impulsive buy and Sieun spent an hour half scolding the other, half regretting it when he gave a chance for the other to explain.

“I wanted us to match during graduation! Like us, wearing them is a pact to stay together and if we grow distant, we’ll find our way back to each other.”

Sieun’s hand reaches inside the gown through the collar, fingers searching before pulling out the cloth. A light shade of pink contrasts against the deep navy of the attire. There were a few pins that were clipped into the tie, two stitched in graphic design and one stitched in star, he wouldn’t say his stitching is the best but it’s enough to thread a needle. 

His fingers fiddle around with the ends of it. He adjusts the tie just enough so it’s peeking through, visible to any eyes and all. There’s a small curl at the sight and he feels an ease wash over him when he realizes he feels no pressure. No pressure to please or to be better, it was like it never existed. He can get used to this feeling.

A creak from the bathroom door pulls his attention away from the mirror. Sieun glances over his shoulder to see a teary eyed Juntae walking out the doorway, using the back of his finger to brush against his wet lashes in an attempt not to ruin the light makeup he had on. He moves away from the mirror so his friend can check his appearance, his hand reaching to readjust the cap and place the tassel on the correct side while the other wipes away his tears.

“I can’t believe we’re graduating today.” Juntae sniffles, blinking rapidly to stop more tears from forming.

Sieun pats his back gently. “We are. And we both deserve it.”

Juntae lips jut out slightly, his gaze shifting over to him. There’s a flicker of gratitude between his glossy eyes and it’s then Sieun notices the other’s glasses are crooked, his hand reaching out instinctively to fix it properly onto the bridge of his. Juntae opens up his arms, Sieun takes it without any hesitation. It was a quick embrace but it held a lot for something so simple. Comfort, warmth, nervousness, pride. So many emotions honed into one single action.

They pulled apart with a firm squeeze and looked at one another. How Juntae manages to hold back all his tears is beyond Sieun, can they practically fill his eyes.

“Just cry, Jun.”

“This foundation was forty-eight dollars.”

“Are we serious?”

Sieun rolls his eyes with a shake of his head when the other nods. He always thought makeup was pointless, more impulsive than anything, it was a waste of money and time. He untangles from Juntae’s to grab a set of tissues from the small kitchenette then walks back to the other. He watches the other dab away the moisture, checks to make sure his foundation wasn’t harmed, and takes a few breaths to keep himself stable. 

Then Juntae turns around to face him, a watery smile plastered on his lips. Sieun watches him inch closer to hook their arms together and he has about a millisecond to prepare before he’s being dragged out of the dorm. He stumbles upon his feet, almost causing them to fall, as he searches for balance as Juntae drags him down the building’s hallway. Once he manages to fall into step with the other, his head snaps towards him in surprise, staring expectantly.

Juntae giggles. “The ceremony starts in about an hour, we need to practice before that.”

Sieun blinks in disbelief. Their dress shoes clap against the pavement as they run along the sidewalk, the gentle breeze causing the ends of their gowns to lift and their tassels to shift. He wonders how they look in the eyes of the drivers waiting in a long line to get into the University parking lot, he wonders if his parents see him. He hopes they do, to see that their son is no longer chained by their hands.

He’s free from their grasp.

Sieun doesn’t realize he’s smiling until he feels tension in his cheeks. He decided to let out a small hoot, hesitant and a little awkward, which leads into Juntae hollering back. Their noise fills the space around them, eyes peering over at them when they walk through the gateway to the university. He feels so alive, so light. What a beautiful way to end his academic journey.

“Let's go graduate, Sieunnie!” Juntae shouts as they burst through the doors, his voice booming through the silent halls. 

Sieun smiles. “Yes. Let’s graduate.”

—

Sieun stares down at his phone just minutes before the ceremony. His teeth gnawing into the skin of his lips as he reads the message on his screen.

5:57 PM - Suho

im here 

cheering w the parents :)

im so proud Sieun-ah

His leg bounces nervously as his head glances over his shoulder from his seat. Rows after rows of seated family members and friends fill his eyes, then over to the bleachers overwhelming with numerous people. He can’t pinpoint where Suho may be, can’t see what expression he has on his face, what gaze is lingering in his eyes.

The morning flashes in his mind.

Sieun woke up in his dorm as usual but it felt…different. Warmer, comfortable, a striking contrast to the coldness, heaviness always lingering in his room. As he comes to, he realizes why it feels so different. 

Suho was in his bed. 

He was in Suho’s hold, limbs tangled unconsciously together in the midst of sleep. Sieun stared in shock as he recalled last night, the spew of emotions, the ramble of words, the hectic stream of tears. The small confession. He swears his heart is in his throat when he feels the other shuffle, a gruff sound emitting into the air before a pair of half-lid eyes look at him. Then a soft smile.

That damn godforsaken, breathtaking smile.

Sieun almost chokes on air when Suho bids him a ‘good morning’, hoarse and thick with fatigue. It makes his heart stutter, a shiver to cascade down his spine, his stomach to twist in ways he didn’t know they could. He flushes when the other pulls him in closer while murmuring to have five more minutes of sleep.

He ends up falling off the bed from trying to escape Suho’s hold, face burning with embarrassment. They carried on with their morning, Sieun going about routine first while Suho made breakfast for the both of them. As he is in the shower, he prepares himself for what will come next once he gets out. The talk. Being put on the spot and strapped down for negotiation.

‘What do you mean by you like me’, ‘Did you mean it’, ‘What does that mean for us, our friendship’, ‘Do you want to ruin this friendship’.

So many potential questions came rushing forward it made Sieun’s head spin. He gets dressed once he is done, swallowing all the dread bubbling in his chest before stepping out. And there was Suho, waiting for him while leaning against the back of the couch, eating a piece of jam toast he made for himself. As he drew closer he noticed a plate of eggs, toast, and sliced fruits settled on the coffee table. His heart flutters at the thought of the other cooking something for him but making something so simple for himself.

But as he begins to eat, he realizes no questions come. No stare of judgement or observing, looking between the lines. Not even a single mention of last night. Just the quiet morning, the birds chirping, rays of sunlight leaking through Sieun’s closed curtains, the warmth of their presences. Even when Suho went to leave, he didn’t mention anything about his small confession.

Instead, he flashes a casual smile as he dismisses himself. Posture relaxed and lazy, shoulders loose as he walked away from his dorm. Sieun was more than stunned, he was speechless. He didn’t think the other would brush off the problem like that, and at first it didn’t bother him.

But now, it’s all he can focus on.

What if he was the one supposed to bring it up? What if he was supposed to start the conversation instead of going on with the day casually? Did Suho feel the same? He couldn't get the best read on the other’s face before he left. What if, after the ceremony, this will be the last time he’ll ever see him again?

The thought makes something twist in Sieun’s stomach. The principal slowly steps up to the podium on stage, the school board of education, and teachers lined in seats behind it. The ceremony has begun but Sieun can’t find it in him to make it his priority. The words exchanged by the principal goes from one ear out the other, he’s zoning in and out, and when they begin to announce the exchange of the diploma. He suddenly can’t remember the format they’ve practiced.

His eyes scan the crowd he’s situated in, waiting for a hint of the practiced format. OK, alphabetical order from last name, so he’s third to last. That gives him enough time to clear his mind, to prepare himself to walk towards the stage and receive his diploma, to rehearse his speech he has written weeks in advance.

Sieun has to put off this problem with Suho, for now, no matter how much his brain wants to keep dwelling on it. Cause before he knows it, he’s called up to the stage and he almost misses the cue to stand up to walk over. He shakes the hand of the board of education as he takes his diploma with his free hand. Instead of returning to his seat like everyone else, he settles in an empty chair at the end of the line of teachers. 

A few whisper to him their congratulations as he sits, he mumbles his thanks. As the last two students go on stage, receive their certification, then return to their seats – Sieun goes over his speech one last time. He listens to the man praise the students for coming this far and brag at how he’s grateful they chose to study at this university. He swallowed thickly as his speech drew closer.

“I’ll now call up our valedictorian, Yeon Sieun.” The principal calls out and steps down from the podium. He glances over to Sieun, gives an encouraging smile before motioning towards the podium.

Sieun exhales a shaky breath before standing up and walking towards the podium. As he sees his classmates and other students seated neatly in chairs, families and friends settled far in the back to separate from the students, bleaches filled to the brim. Sieun suddenly thinks back to the first time he came to this university, being crammed in this very gymnasium for orientation.

He thinks of the first time he ran into Juntae. How that bump in the hallway, the clatter of dropped books and series of apologies lead to their friendship. His first ever friendship to the first time he actually let someone in to venting about what troubles him the most.

He thinks of meeting Suho. How it all started with just eye contact that soon blossomed into something that Sieun didn’t expect. The moment he realized that his grades never defined who he was, that it wasn’t what proved him worthy of anything. To make him realize what proved him worthy was he himself.

Sieun feels a tremor in his bottom lip as he clears his throat. He finally reaches for the microphone, adjusts it until it is in the perfect position, takes one last final breath before speaking.

“Congratulations graduates,” Sieun says with as much enthusiasm he can muster, releasing the tension in his shoulders when a quick wave of cheers fills the air. He smiles before continuing. “Today marks a new chapter for us all. It’s a momentous day that signifies a great achievement in our academic journey.”

Sieun can already hear sniffles in the crowd. “We made it. Even when our boots were sucked deep into the mud, no matter how many times we faced planted into the ground, we conquered every single obstacle and reached this euphonious milestone. Let’s give ourselves a pat on the back for all we’ve accomplished.”

Sieun continues on with his speech. There was an occasional crack in his voice as he spoke, blinking away tears to save them for after the speech. In the crowd, there were a few students crying silently while some wore emotional expressions and some looked like they wanted to just go home already. Hell, Sieun wants to too cause he’s so close to tears and he refuses to bawl up on stage.

“And now, stand here in our capes and gowns, ready to tread the unseenable path before us, let's take the dream big once more. Whether it’s pursuing a career you’ve always thought you could never reach, or—“

Sieun is interrupted by someone in the crowd, huddled with the rest of the families. He is only given a beat to prepare before that person shouts out, their voice booming in the gymnasium.

“Yeon Sieun!” Sieun tenses up. “I’ve been in love with you since we first met! I love you and everything about you. Will you be my boyfriend!?”

Oh my god.

Oh my fucking god.

Sieun can feel his face burn as tears blur his vision. A hand comes up to palm at his face, a groan escaping his lips as his fingers wipe away the tears. It was useless as some managed to cascade down his face.

“Damnit, Suho.” The crowd erupts in a watery laughter, but all Sieun can hear was the boy’s. That carefree, sweet laugh Sieun finds himself smiling at.

“So? Will you?” Suho shouts again. Even from how far away he is, Sieun can still make out his smile.

Sieun lets out a tearful chuckle. “Yes, you dumbass. Yes, I'll be your boyfriend.”

Suho hoots and hollers, jumping up from his seat with his hands in the air. He’s urging the people around him to give him high fives and Sieun doesn’t stop the laughter that spills from his throat. The graduates are cheering and clapping, shouting congratulations. So are the teachers seated behind him.

For once in his life, Sieun doesn’t mind being the center of attention.

ᢉ𐭩

After the ceremony, Sieun is running down the hallway at full speed. He doesn’t mind the burning in his lungs as he pushes through the university’s doors. The cool breeze of early summer nips at his skin as he maneuvers through the families huddled outside, awaiting for their children to come out. Sieun doesn’t go searching for his parents, he wouldn’t anyway.

He’s looking for a specific boy.

Sieun finds Suho in the isolated courtyard. Loitering around was Hyuntak and Baku who were resting on benches, silently fighting for more space. Yeongi and Beomseok were sitting crisscrossed on the grass, playing a match of poker. Yet their figures are a blur, all Sieun can focus on was Suho.

He’s dressed in a red short sleeve shirt, a graphic design littered on the front, with a black long sleeve undershirt. With the sleeves rolled up to his forearms, it showcases the sportwatch Sieun had brought for him on his birthday. The outfit is completed with a pair of baggy denim jeans and worn-out sneakers.

Suho meets Sieun halfway and Sieun doesn’t hesitate to throw his arms around Suho’s shoulders. Their lips meet in a hasty, awkward kiss. Suho is cupping Sieun’s cheeks while he is cradling the back of Suho’s head, and it all feels surreal.

It’s when Sieun pulls away for a breath, when his eyes meet with the other’s and feel his fingers trace his cheeks, that he believes that this is real. That it wasn’t any bit of a dream. He can feel tears forming at the edges and Suho moves quickly to wipe them away.

“Don’t cry.” Suho says, softly. “Cause if you start crying, I’m going to start crying and then it'll just be a whole mess.”

Sieun smiles. “How can I not cry?”

Sieun’s fingers play around the fringe on the nape of Suho’s neck, his tearful eyes scanning over the other’s face. He can make out each feature through his blurry vision, the watery smile plastered on his face, the softness of his eyes staring down at him lovingly. His hands still cradle his face as if it’s the most precious thing he ever laid hands on.

“Ahn Suho,” Sieun starts, voice cracking. “You’ve made me realize that I was always worth more than just some education. You and your persistence fought your way inside my heart and no matter how much I tried to push you out, you wouldn’t budge.”

Suho doesn’t try to wipe away the tears that wets the pad of his thumb, his own tears painting his cheeks. Sieun tilts his head with a wobbly smile. His hand comes from the back of Suho’s head to his cheek, his thumb tracing over the mole and his cheekbone.

Sieun sniffles. “You stuck a flag there and claimed it as yours. The more I stuck around, the more I fell for you. Despite me not believing in such a myth, it was love at first sight.”

“So Sieun-ssi believes in myths now?” Suho chuckles, his thumb now wiping away the remaining tears. “What’s next? Believing in parallel universes where we are together in each one?”

“Maybe…if you start seeing incense candles littered around your apartment, it’s a sign that I’ve officially lost it.”

They both burst out into a fit of laughter. Suho’s hand drifts between Sieun’s shoulder blades while the other settles upon his hip, Sieun’s arms wrap around his neck once more. Suho captures his lips, this time more controlled, more relaxed. It was soft, tender, the type of kiss all girls’ dreams of. The type that makes your knees buckle because it’s too much for your heart.

Sieun makes sure to put Suho’s lips on the top of his ‘favorite things’ list, alongside all the other features he loves about him. Suho was like a drug he was willing to get addicted to no matter how much he tells himself to stop, cause no way in hell was he gonna pass this up. He was never gonna let him go any time soon.

He felt Suho’s tongue dart across his bottom lip and he was so ready to open up for him until a voice called from behind Suho. They part from each other reluctantly and glances over to who the voice belonged to, Sieun blinking hazily while Suho’s face morphs into something between annoyance and disbelief.

“Hey, hey! What are you two doing skipping class and sticking your tongues down each other’s throats? Get back to your classes, you rascals!” Yeongi plays as a grumpy teacher, shaking her hand in a motion that looks like a scolding. The other three burst out in a fit of laughter as Suho curses them out. 

Sieun rolls his eyes yet his lips pull at the corners. He hears stomps of footsteps behind him and glances over his shoulder, his smile only widening at the sight of Juntae rushing over to him. He escapes Suho’s grasp with two pecks on the cheek to run over to Juntae, colliding into a tight embrace.

Juntae hugs him tightly, swaying side to side a bit before pulling back. There’s a huge smile on the other’s face. Happiness lingers in his eyes along with proudness and Sieun can’t help but soften up at the sight of it. He’s so glad his friend was alongside him through everything, so glad to have someone to lean on. He wouldn’t be where he is now without the other by his side, not even close.

“I’m so proud of you, Sieunnie.” Juntae says, brushing the hair away from his eyes. “I really am.”

Sieun hums. “I’m proud of you too, Juntae. Thank you for everything.”

“That’s what friends are for, right?”

Sieun nods with a chuckle. They take each other’s hands, giving it a tight squeeze before releasing them. Juntae runs over to Hyuntak, jumping into his arms while Hyuntak spun them around. Sieun retreats back over to Suho, letting the other wrap an arm around his shoulder. He sinks into Suho’s warmth, filtering into his bones and muscles to memorize the feeling.

The group stays in the courtyard for a little while longer. Yeongi whines about taking pictures for her social media until everyone finally agrees. Juntae complained about some of the teachers he had to deal with over the course years, Sieun would occasionally chime in. They even discussed what they will do now, what journey they will start and what they see in the future.

After spending a good half hour in the courtyard, the families once packed in front of the university have now dissipated, Baku complained how hungry he was. They get into a quick debate on where to eat before settling on a nearby burger joint.

Sieun sticks near Suho’s side at all times. They held hands as they walked to the joint and under the table after ordering their food, as if their relationship was some dirty secret. They would snicker and giggle like a couple of high schoolers, shared food and talked all lovey-dovey until the others had to butt in annoyance.

Even when the sun dips below, painting the sky in a deep purple with the moonlight shining along with the stars. As the group slowly departs to head home until it’s just Sieun and Suho, hand in hand walking back to Suho’s apartment. Sieun doesn’t want this day to end.

The walk was peaceful, safe. Their jointed hands sway together as they shuffle upon the sidewalk, pace unconsciously slow. It was silent save for the crickets to chirp and the wind to whistle into the night. Sieun looks up in the sky, admiring the glow of the moon and the twinkle of the stars. And the more he looks up, the more he thinks of this one quote he has heard.

A star for someone, the moon for someone special.

Sieun is willing to steal the moon for Suho. He’ll steal anything and everything until Suho has all that he could want. Since when did he become all cheesy? Was he always such a sap? God he hopes he won’t always be like it. He prays he won’t make a fool of himself throughout this relationship, yet the universe holds no promises for him.

They bypass the ice cream parlor on the way over to Suho’s apartment, it was just two blocks away after all. They both come to a stop, their eyes looking into the window covered by curtains. Sieun can barely make out the counter in the far distance as he peeks through it. It was like memories were playing in realtime.

Suho and Sieun’s first meeting. Then their second. Their first laugh, first study hangout, first food recommendations, first tear. First everything really.

“Tell me, Sieunnie.” Suho whispers, his head shifting to look at Sieun. Their eyes meet and Sieun can’t help but wonder if he’ll always feel this rush of excitement. He smiles and tilts his head, curious to what the other has to say.

Suho leans down, just enough for their noses to brush. “Do you like ice cream?”

Sieun's smile widens so much his cheeks begin to hurt. He averts his gaze off to the side to mimic the look of ponder, Suho chuckles at the action.

Sieun doesn’t like ice cream.

He doesn’t have anything against it, really. He just doesn’t get the hype about it. People go on and on about how heavenly the dessert tastes, that one scoop of it can melt away your pain temporarily or bring a smile to your face. It didn’t really make sense to him, he even thought it was bullshit.

But as he spends his years in an ice cream parlor, the more he realizes that he loves ice cream. Not the actual dessert itself but the memories he’s made because of it. How the first scoop of his cookie dough impacted his life without even knowing it, how each scoop every Tuesday brought another memorable moment.

Sieun inhales slowly. He lets his eyes flutter and takes the moment to listen to the things around him. In quick flashes, memories fill his mind one by one like a film. His chest warms as a steady exhale leaves his throat, his irises meet with Suho’s and the world just blurs around them. The only thing that mattered was the twinkle in Suho’s eyes, how the moonlight softened his lines perfectly and he couldn’t look any more effortless, how his hand fit just like a puzzle piece in Sieun’s — made for one another.

It was just Suho and him. No one else. He likes the thought of that.

“I love ice cream.”