Work Text:
Ever since i was kid, I've always believed that all relationships always has an ending. I never complained about it but that was until i met you. It took me a while to realize that my heart bursting and swelling whenever i see you smile is because i developed feelings for you. It took me a while to notice because all i know is that the usually cool and composed me is anxious because of a boy full of warm and bright smiles and laughter.
"You're spacing out again. Are you sure you're alright?" i was roused from reverie when i felt a hand tap my shoulder. I looked over my shoulder, a concerned friend in view. I smiled, a defense i unconsciously developed as i'm having this battle within myself.
"Ofcourse. Why wouldn't i be?" i lied, but what's the point of trying, he'll know that i'm lying anyway. He heaved a sigh before tapping my shoulder one more time before standing up.
"You need to be strong, kid." he told me. I was ready to retort back, tell him that there's no need for him to remind me that because i have already forgotten about the painful break up i had, i was ready to tell him another lie, but before i could do so, he's already making his way towards the door. I slumped on the sofa and soon after, heard the front door shut.
Silence.
There's only silence, and at times like this is when everything comes back to me. Our memories flashing through my mind. All those times when we're together, happy and contented, or atleast that's what i thought. The moment silence engulfs everything is the time i am the most vulnerable. The time where i could admit to myself that NO, i am still not over you, No, i will never be. My heart's broken to smithereens and no matter how i try to bring it all back, i can't. I can't because to bring back a broken heart takes a willing self. And no, i will never be ready again, not until you come back to me.
Funny how I never hate you for leaving me but I hate myself for still loving you.
Lying on my back, i covered my eyes with my arm as i close my eyes. I remembered once my mom told me that loving someone means risking yourself and everything you have. I never understood what she said, i never did. But i think i do now. Ever since i was a child she had already warned me that love destroys. It's this one thing that saves you from death or is the death itself. You are my life and my death. I don't want to die.
Not unless i'm with you.
It only took me a month to fall in love with you, why is it taking me so long to fall out of love with you? Every night, i would hold myself tight, delude myself with the thought that tomorrow, i will never intoxicate myself with alcohol again with the thoughts of you. I will be strong and i will stop loving you. But i didn't.
I jolted from my seat, sitting up. I reached out for the small notebook I had on the coffee table to my right, opening its pages. Pages I filled with you in mind. Your charming eyes, your button nose, your sweet sweet smile. I filled it with words describing how perfect you are to me, how perfect our future would be.
As I reached the very last piece I wrote, I heaved a sign. It's been months since I've written this but I'm still stuck in this same old place. I'm still here.
"I need to be strong. I need to bring the old me back. I need to build myself another world, a world where it doesn't only revolve around you. A world where i would no longer depend on you for my happiness. A world where i could finally be free. It may take a few months, a few years, a decade, who knows. But one thing is for sure,
Park Jimin, I'm letting go now. Not because I've grown tired, no. It's just because a long time ago, you've let me go. And I realize that it is time for me to do the same."