Chapter Text
Crisis of Infinite Tywins: Part the Third?
‘The Great Port of Volantis. Team Tywin is fleeing as fast as their legs can carry them, with the soldiers of the Red Faith hot on their heels.’
Rogal!Tywin: FLY YOU FOOLS!
Captain Westeros: Cowardice? In the face of the enemy! Never!
'Captain Westeros begins to play frisbee with some unlucky Red Priests’
Robot!Tywin: Yes, why are we running? ‘Floors a Red Priest with a punch’ I am literally covered in armour.
Friendly!Tywin: ‘Standing in the middle of the throughway.’ My friends, calm yourselves-
Canon!Tywin: Aha! ‘Spots a horse’ Finally, now I can fight like a civilised person.
‘Canon!Tywin does an impressive leap onto the back of the horse, drawing his blade as he does so.’
Lannisterwank!Tywin: Right, I shall decide on our strategy. ‘Canon’ me, find a decent opportunity and break their lines! Hodor, find their leader and hug him to death! Rogal, use some of that fancy technology you keep talking about!
Rogal!Tywin: ‘Standing Idly’ I cannot, I have sworn to limit myself.
Lannisterwank!Tywin: Why?!
Show!Tywin: ‘Stabs a priest’ It does not matter, ignore him!
Lannisterwank!Tywin: ‘Sighs, pausing to body slam a priest attempting to sneak up on him’ Okay then; Gaylord, Showguy and Fabulous – defend me, I shall pay you later. Resident Dark Lords – just wade into the enemy, kill anything that moves. Captain Westeros-
Captain Westeros: Yes, General?
Lannisterwank!Tywin: Keep doing what you’re doing.
Captain Westeros: Right on, commander!
Chief Priest Benerro: ‘Struggling with Hodor!Tywin’ Get off me fatty!
Hodor!Tywin: ‘Angrily’ HODOR!
Benerro: Stop it!
‘Friendly!Tywin is still standing in the middle of the road.’
Friendly!Tywin: STOP!
‘Everyone pauses, some of them mid-punch or mid-stab.’
Friendly!Tywin: My friends, this is unnecessary! Let us not fight, there is no need for it! Come, join me in putting down our blades and we can solve this problem like gentle-AAAHHH!
‘Unnoticed by anyone, the Upset Triarch has snuck up behind Friendly!Tywin with a knife.’
Upset Triarch: You shall have no mercy from me but the blade!
‘The fighters erupt into combat again. As Friendly!Tywin falls to the floor, clutching at his stomach, Gay!Tywin leaps across the battlefield to slam the Upset Triarch to the ground with a photograph. The other Tywins fight their own battles, Robot!Tywin throwing several Red Priests through walls while the Night’s King freezes over a large part of the harbour. Captain Westeros has turned his attention to Benerro, who has forced Hodor!Tywin to his knees with a well placed kick to the shins. Canon!Tywin charges back and forth into the Lord of Light’s ranks, followed closely behind by Seldomheardfromdornish!Tywin who has stolen a ballista. Two Red Priests succeed in knocking out Targaryen!Tywin (to everyone’s relief), but are quickly engaged by Lannisterwank!Tywin who manages to sway their interest with a large amount of gold.’
‘In the meantime, Rogal!Tywin has stood in one corner doing nothing.’
Friendly!Tywin: ‘Death Rattle’
Upset Triarch: ‘Bleeding from the mouth’ You cannot defeat me you idiots! All of Volantis will avenge my name!
Gay!Tywin: I doubt it. ‘Slits his neck’
‘Benerro has temporarily resisted Captain Westeros’ Patriotic Powers, and now find himself faced by Lannisterwank!Tywin’
Benerro: ‘Gasping’ I don’t think I can do this for much longer. You! ‘Gestures at Lannisterwank!Tywin.’ Is our agreement still on?
Lannisterwank!Tywin: I will be aiming for being the single Triarch now, but yes.
Benerro: I can work with that. ‘Runs off down side alley, making a rude gesture at Nightsking!Tywin as he does so.’
Gay!Tywin: What a nice man.
‘By now, most of the fighting has come to a close. The Tywins stand in a rough circle, battered and bleeding but alive.’
‘Aside from Friendly!Tywin, who is dead.’
‘A rough crowd of Volatine Citizens now surround the victorious group, though they thankfully do not seem willing to cause trouble.’
‘However…’
‘A bolt flies out from the crowd, catching Rogal!Tywin in the neck. He falls to the ground gasping, as a figure forces its way through the crowd.’
Other Triarch: Well done ‘Claps’ Well done, I say. By killing both of my fellows you have done a great service for me.
Show!Tywin: You’re welcome.
Other Triarch: I’m almost tempted to let you go free…except ‘takes a bite out of peach’ eee eave uhfenece beesnest!
Lannisterwank!Tywin: Pardon?
Captain Westeros: 'Sternly' Don’t speak with your mouthful! It promotes bad hygiene!
Other Triach: ‘Spits out peach seeds’ I said, we have unfinished business. Tell me, Tywin Lannisters, do you not recognise me?
Canon!Tywin: No.
Other Triarch: Not even a little bit?
Gay!Tywin: I think my darling Aerys once had a boyfriend who looked a bit like you…?
Other Triarch: ‘Smiles’ How disappointing! And after I spent so much time luring you here, like a moth to a flame, here, right into my hands!
Nightsking!Tywin: MAKE SENSE ALREADY.
Other Triach: ‘Laughing’ You are fools, all of you! Bumbling around this world, not suspecting that others might exist Just. Like. You!
Robot!Tywin: Make sense or die!
Other Triarch: Don’t you recognise me, my Lords? ‘Laughs again’ Clearly not, otherwise you might have thought twice about coming here. You can paint a Lannister in any colour you want, they will all be the same at heart!
Gay!Tywin: I’m so confused. ‘Clutches slightly dented photograph’
Other Triarch: Then allow me to explain. I… ‘Pulls off mask.’ …am Renly Baratheon!
Canon!Tywin: What.
Show!Tywin: Renly?
Lannisterwank!Tywin: What are you doing here?
Captain Westeros: And why are you a filthy Essosi?
Volantine!Renly: Why are you a filthy Westerosi?
Fabulous!Tywin: And here I was, thinking the zombie and the super soldiers were the height of silliness.
Rogal!Tywin: ‘Death Rattle’
Volantine!Renly: ‘To Lannisterwank!Tywin’ You asked me why I am here, my lord. Well I would think that is obvious! I have come to prove once and for all, who is-
‘Renly’s ranting is cut off by a shield slamming into his face.’
Captain Westeros: Another victory for the Westerosi way.
Volantine!Renly: ‘Mad Laughter’ You fool! ‘Wipes away the smear of blood brought by the shield.’ I – or should I say, we – cannot be defeated that easily!
‘Nine more figures step out of the crowd, pulling out various weapons and casting aside their cloaks.’
Canon!Renly: I am Renly Baratheon.
Show!Renly: I am also Renly Baratheon.
Straight!Renly: I am Renly of the House Baratheon.
Elf!Renly: Hi guys! I’m Renly!
Renlywank!Renly: I am King-Emperor Renly, First and Only of My Name, Shield of the Faith, Warden of-
Rodoh!Renly: Rodoh!
SeldomheardfromTargaryen!Renly: Mmm.
Drownedgod!Renly: I AM THE DEAD AND THE DEEP.
Fabulous!Renly: And I’m just fabulous. ‘flutters eyelashes’
'The Renlys form a loose circle, surrounding Team Tywin.'
Nightsking!Tywin: THIS COULD BE A PROBLEM.
Canon!Tywin: If we had to face a Baratheon, why couldn’t it have been Stannis?
Robot!Tywin: I would settle for Robert. At least he was worth something. ...In the past.
Show!Renly: Hey! I had plenty of achievements!
Canon!Tywin: Name one.
Captain Westeros: Eyes on me. We’ll each need to take down one, but do not fear my allies – Westeros and the Seven are with us!
Show!Tywin: Give it a rest already.
Renlywank!Renly: Also, I am the resident defender of the Seven here – why would they listen to you, ‘Captain Lanny’?
Lannisterwank!Tywin: You still haven’t answered me. What is your plan?
Volantine!Renly: ‘Softly’ Why, I would have though that was obvious, my lard…I mean to kill you.
‘Silence’
Lannisterwank!Tywin: Is that it?
Gay!Tywin: Could you at least ravish me first?
Drownedgod!Renly: NO.
Fabulous!Renly: Maybe. ‘Winks’.
Volantine!Renly: There is more to it than that. Once I have killed you, I will have slain all the Tywins in the multiverse. With you erased from existence, all of your descendants will cease to exist as well, including my ‘beloved’ nephews and nieces. Then I shall do the same to the other men standing between my counterparts and their thrones – my brothers, Robb Stark, Jon Snow, Daenerys Targaryen, the Greyjoys in general…I shall keep doing this until no power exists to threaten my rule, ever again.
Show!Tywin: ‘Barely Listening’ Wait, so are you implying there’s a bunch of time travelling Euron Greyjoys out there?
Volantine!Renly: ‘Blinks’ …I mean, technically yes?
Gay!Tywin: Eugh!
Seldomheardfromdornish!Tywin: Oh nuts.
Robot!Tywin: As if this couldn’t get worse.
To be continued…
Omake: The Incredible True Story of Why Sheep are not allowed to be Triarch
'Palace of the Triarchs, Volantis'
Triarch Rhaenris Volangaryen: ...
Aegon the Sheep: BAAAAAAA.
Triarch Alygon Vaeltheon: ...
Aegon the Sheep: 'Eats grass'
Rhaenris: 'Grumpily' Okay, I know we're considered corrupt and incompetent, but we're still better leaders than a sheep. A literal sheep!
Aide: I'm afraid your Triarchiness, 80% of Volantine Citizens consider the sheep more reliable
Alygon: And of those behind the Black Walls?
Aide: 'Checks notes' 100% of Citizens consider the sheep more reliable.
Rhaenris: What?!
Alygon: 'Scoffs'
Aide: Even your daughter-wives agreed the sheep was better.
Rhaenris: TRAITORS!
Alygon: Right, in future we're baring this from happening! Get me some paper so we can all sign it.
'Five Months Later'
Triarch Rhaenris Volangaryen: ...
Aegon the Horse: NEIGH!
Triarch Alygon Vaeltheon: ...oh for f-