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Gumball couldn't be bothered to pay attention to Miss Simian. The teacher droned on about math, or something, like it was relevant to life in any way.
He stared off into space, rapt his pencil on his desk, and thought about the new video he got. He was going to beat Darwin up so bad! He kicked his legs, pleased at the idea.
Suddenly, something changed in Miss Simian's voice. Gumball perked up, curious.
The teacher seemed a bit more... ah, what's the right word... bedraggled? begrudging? than normal. She crossed her arms and grumbled something before speaking up.
"There's a change in schedule today," She said, sounding displeased. But that was like saying fire was hot, wasn't it? "Instead of history class, today we're doing a cooking class."
Really!? Gumball cheered quietly, then leaned over to his brother. "Isn't this great?" He asked, eyes wide.
Darwin smiled. "Sure. I'm excited to do something new!" He chirped. "But, I wonder why they'd do this so suddenly..." He trailed off, thoughtful.
"Psh, who cares?" Gumball shrugged. "History is lame, anyways. I mean, I'm never going to meet those guys, so why should I memorize their names? Who do they think they are, anyways?"
Darwin blinked and leaned back, and looked more than a little confused.
Suddenly Teri stood up and waved a wavy arm. "Excuse me, Miss Simian?"
Said Simian glared at the paper girl. "What."
"Why are we doing this so suddenly? Our parents weren't informed about this. We didn't sign any disclosure! What if someone is allergic to a product but the teachers aren't aware and-"
Miss Simian opened a window. Teri continued talking as she was swept away and under the door into the hall.
"Anyone else have any questions?" The teacher threatened more than said.
Carrie, being a ghost incapable of being harmed, was kind enough to ask for the class's sake. Or maybe she was just annoyed. It was hard to tell, honestly. "Why are we doing this, again?"
The baboon almost smiled. It very worrying, to see Simian of all people happy. "Yesterday's cafeteria incident." She reminded.
Oh. Gumball recalled yesterday's lunch. Rocky hadn't cooked enough food. It was chaos.
The first few people in line got their servings. They were hunted down like animals, and attacked viciously. People running around in chaos. Somehow, a table managed to be set on fire. That was probably Ocho, if the maniacal eight-bit laughter and explosions was a clue.
Darwin shivered and frowned, looking like he remembered something he had wanted to forget. "I can't believe Tina would do that..."
Gumball shrugged rather non-nonchalantly. "I forgot."
Seven minutes later, the class was in the Home Economics class. It was spacious and had enough counter space and a few ovens and sinks.
The kids ventured out and principle Brown came in and stood in front of a white board while he spoke. "Now kids, i'm sure you know why we're here," he started. Ocho snickered quietly, Carmen rubbed her bandaged arm, and Alan looked quite solemn.
The principle continued. "Today, we're all going to bake a simple cake. The ingredients are all here. Now, I'm going to quickly go over some safety tips and warnings..."
How strange. Gumball closed his eyes, and the next moment he opened them, the principle was talking about something else! Gotta love how life works out.
"... And here is the list of ingredients. Now, I want everyone to form a group of three, then write down the instructions for yourselves. I need the whiteboard back."
"So who should we pick for our partner?" Darwin asked his brother. "I think we should pick Carrie."
"She can't help us any," Gumball reminded him with a tsk.
"Oh. Uh. What about Teri? She's very-"
"No."
"That's kinda mean," Darwin frowned, "You didn't even let me fin-"
"Next." Gumball said dismissively. There was a pause before the cat smiled and giggled. "Sorry, I just think it's funny."
Darwin rolled his eyes and elbowed Gumball, but likewise smiled. "Fine. How about..." The two of them peered around.
Groups were forming quickly. "Well who ever we pick we better pick fast. How about..." Gumball trailed off, before his eyes caught on someone and focused in on them.
"Bobert!" He said. "He's the perfect partner." He nodded, agreeing with himself.
"But how?" Darwin asked.
"Well he's a robot." The cat said simply.
"... Duh." The fish said simply.
Gumball tsked. "He will follow the instructions exactly, and way faster than us. He'll do all the work and we can goof off taste testing the batter or whatever."
Darwin smiled innocently. "You're such a hard worker."
"I know I am." Gumball grinned. "And then, imagine!" He waved a hand, dreamily, "Since this is a 'group effort', I can still take the credit! All the class with know me as... 'Gumball, the boy who's food made people weep!'" He stood tall and proud.
"With... happiness?" Darwin asked, hesitantly.
"Is that even a question?" Gumball asked, sounded very disappointed.
Darwin feigned a smile and shrugged. But then managed to say, "If you want Bobert to do all the work, you can't claim the credit-"
Gumball cut him off, placing a gentle paw over his friend's mouth. "Shh, shh... In due time, my friend, it will come to you."
Darwin frowned. Gumball stood up straight. "Well, let's get him before someone steals my grand idea."
So the two trotted up to the robot, and maybe pushed Alan out of the way, who appeared to be going to Bobert too. (And maybe Alan floated towards the knives, and maybe there was a pop, and then the cry of a certain cactus, but let's ignore that.)
"Hey Bobert!" The cat greeted.
"Hello!" Darwin chimed.
"Greetings, Gumball and Darwin Watterson." Bobert said in his typical mechanical but friendly enough way.
"Wanna join our team?" Gumball asked, straight to the point. He added in some flattery to try to win him over, just in case. "I bet you're an awesome cook."
The robot shrugged. "I have never attempted to do so." Then he smiled and clasped his claws together. "But I am eager to try something new."
Darwin clapped. "That's great! We can learn together! Mom cooks for us, mostly."
"That sounds like logical plan." The robot nodded happily.
The three found a station and set up base. "Now to write down the instructions..." Darwin hummed as he went to grab a paper and pen. Gumball grabbed his shoulder, making the fish jump.
"Don't do it, Darwin! Let me take this fall!" The cat murmured dramatically.
"W-What?"
"Shhh... I'll be right back."
Gumball promptly skipped over to the table to grab the stuff, leaving a baffled Darwin, who spun to Bobert. "That's strange, right?"
"I've observed many strange behaviors in your brother. This is nothing new," the robot said simply.
"Oh. Right." Darwin sighed.
Gumball came back, slapped the paper down, then got to writing the instructions. The fish and robot leaned over to watch. "Shouldn't we help?" Darwin asked. "It would be a little... quicker?" He asked more than said. Gumball's writing was full of grammar, spelling, and somehow font mistakes, and Darwin never had the heart to even imply someone was bad at something.
"Nahhh~" Gumball droned and waved a hand.
"I'm just saying, Bobert has a laser printer-"
"It's fine!"
"Indeed, I could even take a photo of the instructions if necessary-" Bobert was also cut off by Gumball proudly proclaiming,
"Done!"
The three looked over the paper. Darwin cringed and, while Bobert couldn't display as vivid emotion, gave a quiet "Oh."
"How did you pass second grade?" Darwin muttered to himself. Before the fish had the chance to even suggest writing a new one, the principle erased the instructions and wrote down a bunch of things to 'not do' and 'warnings'.
"You see those, Bobert?" Gumball asked, pointing at the board.
"Affirmative." The robot nodded.
"Ignore them. Completely." Gumball finished.
"What! No! That's a terrible idea!" Darwin yelped.
Gumball tsked. "Warnings only ever hold people back. Sometimes you gotta play with fire. How else do you think spicy pizza was invented?"
"What?" Darwin asked.
Gumball continued. "So, Bobert, just follow these instructions to the T. Got it?"
The robot nodded. "Affirmative. I will follow your instructions."
Darwin felt anxiety bubble up inside of him. Why, oh why did Gumball have to be like this? And why was Bobert so complacent? But, it wasn't like he was doing anything to stop it either...
Then Gumball leaned over and finally explained to Darwin his plan. "You see, if I write the instructions down, I won't have to do any of the other work."
"What?" Darwin felt like he was saying that a lot today. Then he realized he said it a lot on all days.
"Well cooking has been around for thousands of years, but writing is new in comparison. So writing is harder. So by writing the instructions, i've already down my fair share." Gumball explained.
"By that logic, watching TV is harder than hunting a mammoth!"
"Maybe it is. Have you ever tried hunting a mammoth?" Gumball asked calmly.
"No- they went extinct, you dummy!"
"They must've been pretty easy to hunt, then," Gumball said slyly.
Bobert was taking the most rational approach of this argument: Not participating.
After some useless rambling, the teachers finally said "You can start cooking", so the three began.
Darwin picked up the paper to read aloud. "Step one..." He squinted at the paper, trying to decipher the code that may've taken cryptologists years to crack. He read it slowly, "Add a cup of milk."
He blinked. "That sounds about right. Now where are the measuring cups-"
Bobert slammed a plastic cup on the table, as in a drinking cup. Darwin shook his head, "No, a measuring cup-"
The robot beeped. "The instructions say a 'cup'. Not a 'measuring cup'."
Darwin stifled a groan. "In this context, it obviously means a measuring cup."
"When someone says 'cup', they most often mean a 'drinking cup'. Therefore, this is most likely referring to a 'drinking cup'." Bobert said factually. Then he filled the cup to the brim then poured it in.
Darwin hoped the rest of the class wouldn't be arguing over semantics. "Let's ask Gumball, then." The two turned to ask said Gumball.
He wasn't there.
"What- where did he- Oh." Darwin stammered before seeing his friend off with Penny's group, chatting. He listened in.
"Oh, yeah, I'm the best cook that I know." Gumball bragged.
"Really?" Penny asked, impressed.
"Of course! Out of my family, who do you think is the best cook?"
"Your mom, then your sister, then Darwin, then you, then your dad?" She asked.
"Phhhht. Well, I'll show you wrong. So wrong, you'll apologize! Profusely! You'll beg to have a slice of my..." He faltered. "What are we cooking again?" He sheepishly asked.
"Cake," She deadpanned.
"Sorry, I don't cook on the English level! In France, we call it, la'caca!" Gumball said, emboldened as ever.
Penny smiled. "Well, I can't wait to try some."
"Gumball!" Darwin finally called, exasperated.
"Yeah?" The cat asked as he padded over.
"Shouldn't you wait till we're at least half-way done before bragging?" Darwin asked.
"Nah, we have Bobert on our side! We're practically already done." He said dismissively.
"No, actually. Me and him are stuck. When you said 'cup', did you mean 'measuring' or 'drinking' cup?" Darwin was certain Gumball would say 'measuring, duh!' but instead he said:
"A cup is a cup."
Bobert frowned. "That is false."
"Is it?" Gumball hummed. "Well, I'm sure they're close enough. Anyways, next step!" He picked up the paper. Then hesitated. "Ah, Darwin. You read it."
"How can you not even read it?" Darwin hissed and snatched the paper. "Okay... Add butter..." He frowned and looked up at Gumball. "But how much?"
"Who cares, the whole box. As dad says, the more the butter."
"He can't cook! We should just see what everyone else is doing." But before he could spy on the others, Bobert dropped the entire box into the mixing bowl. The cardboard slowly soaked in the milk.
"No!" Darwin cried. "We're meant to put in like two tablespoons!" He reached in to grab the box, but Bobert lightly slapped his fin away. But it still hurt, and Darwin crouched and writhed in pain.
"They're just stingy," Gumball said without a care.
"What did you do that for?" Darwin whined to Bobert, who did look reasonably apologetic.
"I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry. But we must follow the instructions. Gumball said to add the whole box, correct?"
"Yeah, but even then I think he just meant the sticks of butter, not the whole box..."
"If that is the case, then I would appreciate if he would clarify his instructions."
"I know, right?" Darwin rubbed his aching hand then stood back up fully.
"Clarify what?" Gumball asked. "I think my instructions make perfect since and are very clear."
Darwin just sighed. "What's the next step?"
"Add sugar." Gumball managed to read that one, at least.
Bobert nodded. "Of course." He filled another drinking cup to the brim with sugar, then poured that in. Well, at least the milk and sugar is to the same ratio, Darwin rationalized. Else wise, he may've cried.
The next step was to add 'baking stuff'.
"Did you mean 'baking powder' or 'baking soda'?" Bobert asked politely.
"They're the same, aren't they?" Gumball asked, paying half attention. He smiled and waved at penny.
Darwin was about to interject, but then realized he didn't know either.
Bobert spoke up. "Baking Soda and Baking powder are both leaveners made from sodium bicarbonate. When sodium bicarbonate mixes with an acid, it produces carbon dioxide, that-"
Darwin was having trouble understanding a word of that. Thankfully Gumball cut him off. "Which one for cake?"
"I suggest Baking powder, as it doesn't need an-"
"Okay! Got it. Now, put in..." Gumball checked his instructions, then frowned. "Just put in some baking powder. It doesn't matter how much."
Darwin managed to speak up before Bobert filled up the next drinking cup. "No! I think we're only meant to do a few tablespoons!"
Bobert accepted this. "OK. Please show me."
Darwin smiled, a bit of the fear waning. If only a bit. He grabbed the measuring spoons, finally being used, and scooped out a few spoonfuls. "My mom says you gotta get it level, not heaping. But I think it's fine if it's a little bit off..." He explained.
Bobert nodded along. "There is a small margin for error."
"Uh, yeah." Darwin nodded. "She tried showing me and my siblings how to cook, but I don't think we did very good... But at least I tried!" He giggled, remembering how the house had fogged up with flour, and Mr. Dad got lost.
"Even attempting to learn something new is often admirable," Bobert said and smiled.
"Thank you!" Darwin chirped.
They finished with the baking powder. Gumball was lapping at a cup of milk, day dreaming. Darwin frowned. "Why aren't you helping?"
"I am!" Gumball said, raising a finger. "I'm... supervising!"
"Really? How?"
"Im vising, superly." he said boldly.
"Right..." Darwin squinted. "You're just standing around and taking all the credit. At least help a little."
The cat rolled his eyes and groaned. "Fine!" He snatched up the paper and read it aloud. "Add one egg... Easy enough." He grabbed an egg and marched to the mixing bowl.
"Wait! You gotta crack it first!" Darwin tried to stop him. Bobert only watched intently.
It felt like the world went in slow motion. Gumball jumped into the air, his face like stone. Arm raised. As he fell, he slammed the egg down into the bowl.
Yolk splattered everywhere. Eggshells floated in the milk. "Ewww..." Darwin complained as he wiped yolk off his face. Bobert automatically rinsed his lens off with water, then used his windshield wipers. Then he tilted his head.
"Is this how you normally prepare eggs? I was under the impression the egg was cracked and the yolk separated before adding it in."
"No- see?" Gumball waved at the bowl. "The egg is cracked. And the yolk is separated."
"That is not what I meant," Bobert said.
Darwin sighed. He hoped Bobert wouldn't take Gumball's cooking ideas to heart.
"Now, the next step-" Gumball started to say. Darwin jolted. He wasn't even going to TRY to remove the egg shell!?
No. He had stood up with too much. He draws the line here! He must stop this madness!
He gently tossed a spoon across the kitchen. It clattered and rang against the tile floor. Gumball and Bobert turned to look at it.
And when they looked back, Darwin was attempting to remove the shells with a spoon. He was doing poorly at it. Bobert smacked his fin away again, this time a lot more gently. The robot shook his head. "If the instructions say to add the entire egg, then that's what we will do."
Darwin felt tears whelm in his eyes.
"Oh. I didn't mean to hurt you again," Bobert said, frowning. "Do you need to go to the nurses? I'm sorry."
"No! It's not that. I'm not hurt. Physically." Darwin explained. "I just feel like I'm going to cry, seeing all of this food go to waste at the hands of my dumb brother."
"Oh. I understand." Bobert nodded solemnly.
Gumball spoke up. "If by waste you mean create art, then I understand. Anyways, step sevsz.. sev- seven: Add oil."
"Fine," Darwin sighed. "A full cup of vegetable oil-"
Bobert slammed a cup of a sludgy black liquid on the counter. It splattered everywhere and dripped onto the floor. It stunk like gasoline. "Ew!" Darwin cringed. "We can't put that in there!"
"Why not?" Gumball asked. "It's oil, right?"
"Affirmative," Bobert nodded, "I drink it all the time. It's my favorite." He beeped happily.
"I don't know anyone else who drinks straight oil other than my dad but okay," Gumball mumbled and grabbed the cup, ready to pour it in.
"Wait! No!" Darwin grabbed his brother's arms and shook them lightly, begging. "That'll kill us!"
"If you drink it raw, maybe. I'm sure it's fine! You can put sunflower oil in cars, or something, so that means they're all the same, really." He poured it in with a pleased nod.
Darwin tried to ignore the smell. Gumball read the next instruction. "Add flower."
Bobert reached for the can of flour. Darwin went to grab the cup, albeit, with a defeated look etched into his face.
Then gumball frowned. "What are you guys doing?"
Bobert turned to him. "We are getting the flour." He said simply.
Gumball turned the page so they could read it, and tapped number seven. "Flower, not flour."
"I believe you spelt it wrong," Bobert said. "It's F-L-O-"
"No, well, yeah, I got it wrong. But then I realized that since flour comes from flower, we might as well use the pure stuff. It probably taste better, anyways."
"No it wouldn't!" Darwin wailed. "Didn't you listen to a word Mrs. Mom said when she was showing us how to cook?"
"Yeah. There was 'pay attention', 'listen', 'stop daydreaming', 'please, I'm begging you'..." He listed off then paused. "I think she might've been trying to show me something. Anyways, I'm going outside. Be right back!"
Darwin stepped to stop him, but a metal arm extended to stop him. "What?" Darwin said on instinct, then turned to Bobert. "Why are you stopping me? Surely you know this is wrong. All of it!"
To Darwin's surprise, Bobert nodded. "Every step has been inconsistent with the teacher's. But we must follow the instructions Gumball made... Also, I want to see the end result." The robot smiled slyly, making Darwin giggle a little, a little amused but mostly stressed.
Gumball came back and dropped an armful of daises and whatnot into the bowl. Frankly, Darwin was surprised the cat hadn't
decapitated Leslie.
"Now," Gumball said proudly, "We just gotta mix and cook it."
"I shall mix it," Bobert said.
No one moved.
"What are you-" Gumball was cut off by the mixing bowl's contents floating up, a blue grid laser chopping it into fine pieces, then slamming it back into the bowl and spinning it around. "What the what!?" The cat shrieked and flew backwards.
"I'm using my quantum lasers and gravitational altering tools," The bot said.
"Oh my gosh!" Gumball gasped, then cheered. "Darwin! We have the coolest friend ever!"
Bobert paused, then smiled and continued.
Gumball's danced sillyly, then leaned over to Darwin and whisper-sung, "Imagine all the chores he could do for us!"
Darwin groaned and pushed him away. "Just don't make him upset," Darwin said, meaning that it would be rude and cruel to befriend someone just to make them work.
But then Gumball froze. In his mind, he saw the horrors Bobert could bestow upon mankind. "Okay," He whispered shakily, "I won't trick him to do the dishes..."
(Bobert heard all of this and ignored it.)
He spun around. "I'm done mixing the contents of the mixing bowl. How should we cook it? I could use radiation, or we could put it in the oven."
Gumball looked like he was about to say 'radiation', but then he paused, smiled sheepishly, then said "Let's try the oven, perhaps."
"So radiation is where you draw the line?" Darwin asked.
"Well, I was thinking that if I'm the one to pull it out of the oven, I can take even more credit," Gumball said. "And also, I just
remembered that time my tongue turned into a hand and I had to eat it." He shrugged non-nonchalantly.
"OK. What temperature should I preheat the oven to?" Bobert asked.
Gumball read the instructions. "Hmm... 400."
"400? Wasn't it 350?" Darwin asked.
"I rounded it up." Gumball explained. Darwin sighed.
"Celsius, fahrenheit, or kelvin?" Bobert asked.
"The oven only does fahrenheit," Darwin said.
"Well that sucks!" Gumball huffed. "I want our cake to be the most unique. Let's cook is at 400 celsius."
"I'm pretty sure our cake is already the most unique..." Darwin smiled sheepishly.
Bobert turned the oven on to 752 fahrenheit, which translated to 400 celsuis, he explained.
"And now," Darwin drew in a relieved breathe, "We wait. For... 30 minutes. That sounds about right. So what do we do now?"
"Well I'm off to talk to the girls," Gumball said and wandered off.
"I'll keep an eye on the food," Bobert beeped, grabbing a near by fire extinguisher.
"Then I'll..." Darwin trailed off, then shrugged. "Stay here I guess. It won't explode, will it?"
"There is a high chance."
"... oh."
30 minutes later, the timer was up.
Coincidentally, The teachers fled the room crying about the noxious smell, and tears whelmed in Gumball and Darwin's eyes as they smiled and crowded around their oven. The other kids followed suit, morbidly curious to what horrors were made.
"You don't have to do this, Gumball," Penny warned. "Just be reasonable and wait for it to cool down, then throw it away."
"What are you talking about?" Gumball laughed. "It'll be awesome. I'll even share with the class!" The crowd of kids took a collective step backwards at that offer.
"You should have the first slice," Leslie said slyly. "I bet it taste great, if it's anything like how it smells." The flower spoke through his leaves, covering his face.
"Y-yeah!" Tobias coughed. "Eat it!"
Bobert leaned over to Gumball and said in low volume, "I highly recommend you do not consume it."
Gumball tried to push him away, but only succeeded in hurting his arm a little. "I'm sure it's fine. We cooked it! come on."
"Exactly," Darwin said under his breathe.
Gumball armored up with a pair of oven mitts and marched to the oven. Thick, sickly smoke was already seeping out of the door.
"Don't do it!" Darwin cried! "Please!"
Gumball stretched and took a deep breathe, then opened the door. Fire and black smoke roared out. The fire detectors came on, then died. The sprinklers came on, but the water evaporated.
Gumball dragged out his work of art. He threw it onto the stove top to get away from the heat.
It was hideous. It looked like a pan of fire and smoke, roaring with the fury of personified rage.
Penny rushed to extinguish it. It steamed and sizzled. The smoke thinned out and revealed a smoldering pan of boiling ash. The white foam evaporated away.
"Wow, how do you manage to burn ash?" Penny asked, amazed.
"When you're a good a cook as me, you learn many things," Gumball bragged.
Sadly his air of pride was stripped away by Ocho hovering near and laughing. "Now you gotta eat it!"
Gumball looked at the food and paled. His eyes watered, from the fumes. "Well- uh, mm, sharing is caring! Who wants some!" He offered loudly.
Everyone took another large step back. "Eat it!" Tobias wheezed. He should probably go to the nurses'.
Ocho looked down at Gumball menacingly. Gumball suddenly remembered yesterday's 'incident'. He shivered. "O-Okay."
He tried poking it with a fork, but the fork bent away. He took another, braver looking fork, and tried again. It was like a soup of gasoline, with floating islands of boiling ash. Gumball got a bit on his fork and brought it to his lips with a shaking hand, as he held his breath.
Darwin waved his arms and cried out, "No!"
Bobert made a firm X with his arms and displayed one on his screen.
Penny aimed the fire extinguisher at him, like he was about to catch on fire. She looked distraught.
Everyone else was giving him very enthusiastic cheers and thumbs ups. "Eat it, eat it!" they chanted.
He would commit to the bit. He told himself he'd just have this bite, pretend it was the best thing ever and he was truly the best chef since Leonardo da Vinci, then puke it up in the bathroom a minute later. Just one bite-
He woke up in the nurse's room. Darwin had his head in his flippers looking depressed. Bobert was staring intently at the heart rate monitor. The Nurse wasn't there. Gumball poked Darwin.
Darwin jerked up, yelped, then promptly hugged Gumball. "Oh my god! You're alive!" He wailed dramatically.
"What even happened? Was I struck by lightning or something? I don't even remember," Gumball asked.
Darwin hesitated. "The uh. Cake wasn't good."
Bobert learned over the bed smiling. "I recorded it. Do you want to see?"
Gumball nodded, and didn't notice Darwin trying to tell Bobert to shut up via wild hand guesters. A blue holographic video came up over the foot of the bed, projected from Bobert's eye.
"Eat it, eat it!" the crowd chanted. Gumball visibly hesitated before taking a bite. The moment it entered his mouth- not even having touched his tongue, he burst into flames, running around in a circle with his arms flailing like spaghetti, screaming, then ran into a wall and fell unconscious. Penny sprayed him. Darwin dragged him out of the foam.
The video ended.
Gumball closed his eyes and heaved a sigh. "Did I convince anyone it was a good cake though?"
"They've started using 'Gumball's cake' as a metaphor for 'extremely horribly bad'." Bobert stated.
"Caught on quick," Darwin noted idly.
Gumball just put his head into his hands. Mission failed.
"Also we got an F." Bobert helpfully supplied.
Gumball gave up on ever cooking again and pretended to go back to sleep, as to not face the consequences of his cake.