Chapter Text
Once upon a time, there was a sad blond man who got put in many situations. And god he just kept getting put into those situations. His name is Ryland Grace, and he is diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, because he kept eating entire bottles of tylenol as a youth. Poor dude. Couldn't even afford a car. Had to ride a bike to work and it wasn't for exercise :(
This blond man named Ryland Grace is also a teacher, which is why he looks like he's about to cry all the time. He has to hear the kids screaming “six sevennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn” all day. He hears it in his dreams….
But an evil (only sorta and it’s for a good reason so she's allowed to be evil) and awesome woman called Eva Stratt had a plan. She knew that Grace hated hearing 67 and you know where you can't hear your students say 67? SPACE. She decided that because crazy ass dots were eating out the sun that they had to kill a bunch (3) of people to save it. This plan is very bad, but she is very scary so nobody questions it. #girlpower.
She picked Grace because she was reading one of his old essays, one about why we need to make all men pregnant. At his old school, where he published the essay, they all booed loudly and threw rocks and wet fish at him. That's why his life went so downhill and he had to be a middle school teacher. The last choice of job for anybody on earth. Many such cases
Eva went to the school Ryland was employed at, which she found on his Tumblr account. Don’t give your information to online strangers, kids. They might show up to your school and forcefully employ you. Anyways, she put him in her car and drove to the Crazy Science Place, where crazy science happens.
They (Eva and some world leaders, including but not limited to: Charlie XCX, David Tennant, Mumbo Jumbo, and Lady Gaga.) put him in a little glass box with some astrophage. His job was to do science, and discovery. Science and discovery. Discovering science. They are unsure if the astrophage is deadly, which is why they sent the teacher, one of the professions the government has deemed expendable. That's why they DGAF about gun violence. Many such cases.
Dr. Grace did many experiments, like licking the astrophage, smelling the astrophage, and venting about his imposter syndrome to the astrophage. (he is venting to the astrophage because he has no friends ... .sad) all this helped him discover that the astrophage was a cell! This is important because it is important. Idfk man. Look me in my big beautiful eyes and tell me I write like someone who knows why that matters.
Ryland poked the astrophage with a stick, and it died. Fucking loser.
“Woah! What a catastrophage!” said Grace. What a terrible pun oh my god. Everyone listening cringed. Right then, Eva decided he HAD to die in space, to save the earth from more horrible puns. No, it wasn’t because the other astronauts died, it's JUST because of the bad pun. That's it. Don’t question Eva’s choices, she's smarter and cooler than both of us combined :(
“Dr Grace, we gotta kill you CRAZY style.” Stratt said, Evaly.
“Type shit?” said Ryland, Gracefully. He just wants to live. Why doesn’t anyone else want that for him? Hashtag Iron Lung reference. #mylungs #myiron #justkiddingihaveanemia #mylackofiron
“Yeah it's because you have no bitches.” Both the human kind and the dog kind. Grace is very lonely but that's ok he's still a valuable human and nobody needs a family to be worth keeping alive.
“Noo.. I am pregnant. With the astrophage.”
“Free abortions are part of the benefits here. Hashtag free healthcare.” We are not sure if abortions work on astrophage, but Eva Stratt is epic and cool so I believe in her. She's actually going to do the abortion herself. As a sign of friendship. She is not a doctor but I trust her with this task.
“I could have eaten the sun… if you hadn’t aborted me….” said the Aborted Astrophage, abortidly.”
“I didn’t even abort you yet, how are you talking???”
“With the magic of antarctica nukes….all of the astrophage will talk soon…you will hear us in your dreams…….all of the aborted astrophages”
“Type shit?” Ryland said, again. He has the vocabulary of a middle schooler, because all his friends are eighth graders. Type shit. Six seven. Chat. Rizz.
After the successful astrobortion, they began walking to the spaceship of doom and despair.
Grace did NOT want to die in space. What a loser. I mean I wouldn’t volunteer either but like I’m fifteen and also NOT a scientist. Does this look like something a scientist would write? That's what I thought.
“Can I at least have time to think about this??” asked Grace, in a very sad and pathetic voice that only a blonde man could have.
“No. We are sending you to space RIGHT NOW you stupid blonde faggot.” (she is allowed to say that I gave her permission don't worry. 🏳️🌈)
Eva then made Carl appear with her awesome powers that she has, and he tackled poor Grace into the ground. He did not want to send Grace to space (where would end up dying crazy style ☹️) but it is his job so he did it anyways. His job is putting blonde men in situations. He gets paid 564$ an hour just for making them suffer. Not all heroes wear capes. Also he is a plumber as a side hobby. Like Mario😸. Lets-a-go!
“Ummm what 😨” He said, before passing out due to the needle full of heroin Carl stabbed him with. They then locked him in the evil spaceship of unending torment. Yay! They saved the world 😛 He could have done this willingly and saved them the effort, but it's too late :( that train has sailed. Into the sea. They drove a train into the sea to save money on railroad construction. It went all the way to Thailand, where Timothee Chalamet danced crazy style on the wreck. Many such cases.
(Then Grace became a femboy, to appease my classmate KYLE’S sick and twisted mind/derogatory. This is not plot relevant he just. Asked me to write that in idk.)
“I think I'm a bad person lwk” said Eva ‘the trolley operator’ Stratt. She's not really, but she did send Grace to space and also stole the green dinosaur from outside all the gas stations in Nepal 🇳🇵. For Science reasons 🇧🇫.
Eva then joined HIT EMO BAND MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE and Toured the World! 🗺️ diva!!! 💘this is a Coping Mechanism (something you do when you’re stressed, in case you didn't know or forgot) that Eva developed. She sung Cancer by my chemical comance (the hit emo chemical romance band) It’s ok guys she just can’t afford therapy, this is her #healingera.