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“Poor man, I hope he will make it,” Dr McKay said, looking sadly at the unconscious man on a stretcher they were pushing past them toward the elevator. His large pig daemon was on a second stretcher, being wheeled behind him.
“Well, luckily for him, his daemon is small enough to be able to go up to surgery,” Dr Collins said.
“Why is that?” Victoria asked. It was her fifth day in the Pitt. A whole work week done by normal standards, yet this felt like she had already been here a month in terms of lifetime events. Her hands were still shaking slightly, and her adrenaline-fueled smile had not quite left her face yet after the sudden surprise stenting of his inferior vena cava she had to do. Thank the Gods for the calm voice of Dr Collins guiding her through each of the steps, or she feared she would have dropped her needle at some point in the man’s belly.
“Oh, he can still fit on the gurney. When daemons are too big or too heavy, then either they have to be operated on down here. Or a severing procedure is considered,” Dr McKay helpfully provided.
Oh that idea made her stomach drop. “Gosh! Really?” she muttered.
“Oh yeah. Has to do with the elevators, you see,” Dr King mentioned, a bit too chipper and monotone for her liking.
“Okay, I need to get back to Robby, ask him a few things about that takeover that might or might not be happening. I’ll see you guys in a bit,” Dr Collins said, fiddling with her pager before darting off.
“Oh shit, for real. Man, that is so not what we need right now,” Dr McKay said, clearly deep in thought.
“Oh man, yeah, that would suck,” Dr King said pointedly. “You know, when Becca—”
Victoria tried raising her voice over the two chatting women. “You know, I am actually also, euhm, still unsettled.” Her eyes flickered between the two and the zipper of her purple sweater she was fidgeting with.
“Wait. Really? You are still unsettled? But I have seen you ogle at Mateo so often. What gives?” McKay said.
Dr King rolled herself forward to sit between the two. “Sorry to interrupt, but actually, scientifically, daemon settling and the onset of sexual ideas has no connection. It is often thought of as such, but—”
“Okay, well, first of all, I’m not ogling him,” she huffed out, flustered. “Second, I just haven’t found my groove yet. It is not a bad thing he hasn’t settled.”
“Oh no, noo, of course not, honey,” McKay tried to assure her. “No, that is of course not a problem. There are many folks that haven’t around here.”
“Yeah, last week, the kid with the arrow in his shoulder, he wasn’t settled either!” Dr King added.
“Okay, yeah, but he was what? Seventeen?” Victoria replied nervously.
“See, you and Alexander are not that much older,” McKay tried delicately.
“Gee, thanks,” Victoria deadpanned, turning away from them with a sour look and trying to focus on her charting again.
For a moment, the room settled into work again, the hum of hospital chaos continuing around them.
“Look, okay, for what it is worth,” McKay said, reaching a hand out to rest on her shoulder in an effort to comfort her. “Not everyone has it all figured out on day one. You know my backstory. I feel like if I could have had a do-over, Lohen would probably look really different than now.” She gestured to the koala bear beside her on the ground.
“Really?” Victoria asked, curious, looking intensely down at Lohen.
“Well…” McKay replied in that squeaked voice of hers. “No, okay, no, probably not. Buuut! That still doesn’t mean that I’ve got it figured out. Like Mel said, daemon settling and figuring things out isn’t an exact science.”
“Wait, no, that is not actually what I meant—” Dr King stammered.
“Right! But that is how it goes,” Dr McKay said, bobbing her head at Dr King in an effort to make her go along. Dr King, who realized now, feverishly bobbed her head along, though her lips were pursed together in a sign of discomfort.
Great. Victoria just rolled her eyes. Yeah sure… for a second there she started to believe it wasn’t just her failing at life. Nope, like usual, it was just her being wrong. Science proved it.
She briefly glanced at Alexander sitting on her screen. Now a brown finch looking understandingly at her. But she couldn’t really look back. Too embarrassed to even face her own soul. He had been a red panda this morning, but somewhere during the procedure he had switched forms. As if her mommy issues weren’t enough of a problem to deal with already.
“Let’s just focus on our charting. We can work out our issues later in bed with some tea. You type, I’ll dictate. That way we are done faster,” Alexander whispered quietly.
After a couple of minutes of Alexander dictating, Trinity rolled up to her. Their daemons both giving a quick nod of acknowledgement to each other.
“Just a tip, Crash. I learned that if you have your daemon dictate directly into the microphone, you can go to another room meanwhile to continue with actual doctoring,” she suggested, rubbing her palms over her legs.
“Really? Huh, thanks for the tip,” she smiled at Trinity, surprised that she would actually help her instead of just giving a rude remark. “Hey, wait. How do you know this? I haven’t seen your daemon leave your… well, your head… in the time we have been working together,” she snarked, nodding to the raven perched on her head. It looked a bit flustered being addressed so directly.
“Yeah, well. Just be happy with the tip, okay. I’m gonna go prevent more people from dying,” she said, storming off back to the central area, not even bothering to look her way again.
“Geesh, what got her so worked up?” she whispered to Alexander. He just hunched his shoulders. “Ready to try out that dictate thing?”
“Wait, what? I haven’t been paying enough attention.” Urgh, her head—and soul, she guessed—really weren’t there today. She hoped no one had noticed her absentmindedness.
Before she could set up the dictating program, Alexander flapped his wings, pointing behind her. There behind her a bit down the hallway, Dr Collins motioned for her to come closer. She stood up, and together they walked toward the main staircase.
“Hey there, I just wanted to congratulate you again on a job well done. I think we all need a word of encouragement and a pat on the back once in a while around here,” she said warmly, looking her over. “Believe me! You really held your nerve in there. This wasn’t an easy case. So proud of yourself. ” Her bluebird daemon, Filipe, smiled at her from where he was sitting next to her own—or she thought he did. Bird daemons expressions are always difficult to tell.
“Aww, thank you! Yeah… I… euh… I was really nervous, but you helped me through well. So I… euhm…” she felt so awkward. “Thank you for that.”
“Sure thing,” she said softly, her hand resting briefly on her shoulder in an act of reassurance, and then she left. Her bluebird flew after her to land on her shoulder.
Victoria felt warm and happy. It was nice to receive a compliment. Well, she often got compliments for her intelligence, but this felt real, genuine. This was something she let herself be proud of, rather than just another obligation she had to fulfil to prove she got what it took.
She was about to turn back to her desk when, like clockwork, there her mother was, walking down the stairs. Probably here to take her brief moment of happiness away.
She sighed, taking a second to make a quick mental prayer that this would be quick and painless, or at least as painless as it could be when those judgmental eyes would not leave her.
“What can I do for you Doctor Shamsi?” she huffed, trying her best to maintain a professional voice.
“I am here, Doctor Javadi, because I heard you did a blind stenting of the inferior vena cava on a diabetic patient. I just wanted to congratulate you.”
“Oh, thanks, mom,” she said excited, feeling a smile appear on her face. Her ribcage filling with warmth and pride. “Yeah, it went really good.”
Her mom gave her an awkward smile back, as genuine as she knew she could give. Though that still never felt like enough for her.
“Which is exactly the reason I came down to talk to you about joining me in surgery”. Juuuup. There it was. That happy feeling now washing down the drain. Of course she couldn’t have nice things.
“Ugh, really? Really? Really??” she just rolled her eyes and tried to walk away.
“I’m just saying. If you pick an elective, one that is suited for you. Then maybe you wouldn’t still be unsettled. Having a stable offer, a good position, one that suits you, already laid out will do you good,” her mom reasoned. “Where is Alexander anyway?”
Great. If this conversation couldn’t have taken a worse nosedive. She tried to ignore the question, looking away. But it seemed her mom had already found him, a couple meters back, still resting on the stretcher where she and Dr Collins were just talking.
“A finch really is not proper for a girl your standard,” her mom chastised her, glancing around her. Gods, she could feel her mother’s disdain for her daemon from here.
“Well, luckily for you, it is temporary. I’m sure he will change again sooner or later,” she mumbled, not being able to meet her mother or her peacock daemon’s judgmental eyes.
“See! This is exactly what I am still worried about, Victoria!” she quietly hissed out. “It is not well to still be unsettled.”
“Well, it is not like I can help it!” she yelled back, anger starting to fill her.
“You can try, by getting better!”
Wow. Okay. Gee. That. That. She huffed, shaking her head. Yeah… that one hurt. Why couldn’t she just be who she is now, “shortcomings” and all?
She is never going to get it, Alexander provided helpfully, though his voice sounded small in her head.
“Mom, I need to go back to check on my patients,” she said coolly, trying to steel herself.
She walked away before her mom could reply. Or at least was far enough away already in the hopes she wouldn’t have to continue the conversation.
She looked around the rooms, trying to remember where her patients were.
Dr McKay jogged up behind her and nudged her with her shoulder in a comforting gesture. “Hey, sorry, I couldn’t help overhearing. You okay?”
“No?!” Victoria cried out, tears threatening to fall from her eyes. “I do everything for her image of perfection! I try to be a good kid. Like she asks. I go to med school. I get high grades. Like she expects. Still not enough. How am I supposed to deal with that?! On top of all this other bullshit trauma with patients?!” she yelled out at her. Not being able to keep it in. Shoulders shaking from frustration and anger. “Like, how am I supposed to keep her happy?!”
“That is the thing, you don’t,” McKay said softly, throwing an arm around her. “It isn’t on you to keep your mother happy. It is perfectly okay to not be perfect. As contradictory as it sounds.”
That made her cry—sad, and things she didn’t even have names for. She didn’t know how to feel, what to be, if not always perfect. What was she doing with her time, her energy, if not for something to be done right and optimally? She already spend so much effort to get here. Already gave up so many normal life experiences to be here earlier than all the rest. She couldn’t waste that time. Couldn’t slow down or make mistakes. Because if she did, then it would have all been for naught. Just more regrets piling on.
“We are human beings. Imperfection is literally there right next to us wherever we go, if you believe the religious folk,” she continued, nodding her head toward her back, where she keeps her koala daemon, Lohen, in a backpack. Her hand resting on Victoria’s shoulder as they walked. Gently patting her back. She was steering her to the break room, she noticed.
“Yeah, but that is all just Scientology nonsense,” Victoria tried to argue back. In the corner of her eye she noticed Dr Robby briefly looking their way. The all so overlooking question of am I okay probably at the back of his throat. It made her angry—at herself mostly—for her little outburst. Great, one more reason for him to think she doesn’t belong here.
“My point is… can’t all be perfect all the time. Gotta give ourselves some chance to screw up. Whiiich… is exactly why you are here. We are a teaching hospital. We teach. You learn. And yeah, even after learning everything, we still make mistakes,” she encouraged.
In the break room, Victoria dropped herself into one of the chairs by the table. McKay fiddled with the coffee machine, glancing briefly at the door and closing it.
“Okay, so look, you didn’t hear this from me, alright. But apparently, during the Pittfest casualty situation, your mom…”
“What?” Victoria yelled in surprise, suddenly curious and wide eyed.
“Well, it seems she was having an issue of her own… with those Christmas tree adaptor thingies you guys were using,” she said, sipping from her mug. “Seems like she isn’t as good at improvising or flexibility as you.”
“Yeah, I’ll say…” Victoria smirked, before catching herself and trying to keep a stoic face again. Gods, she couldn’t be here gossiping about her mom with one of her colleagues. If she ever found out…
“See! We are all bad at something,” McKay smiled at her.
“Yeah, but that is two completely different things. Her rigidity is not a problem. Heck, I’m sure the director of the hospital probably applauds her for it. She isn’t like me. I suck… well, I suck at just being human…” Victoria argued back. Alexander landed on the chair next to her, but didn’t come closer. She didn’t deserve to touch him. She shouldn’t treat him like this and yet she can’t seem to make herself stop.
“Wow,” was the only thing McKay responded. Eyes wide in concern. Lips tightly pressing together.
“Couple of mother issues here, am I right?” McKay joked, gesturing half to herself and half to Victoria.
That made her snort. “Yeah… guess we are.”
Cassie came closer and offered again a comforting hand on her shoulder, a little pat. “I’m here if you need to talk about it.”
“Sure…” she replied, staring deep in thought into the cup McKay had brought over.