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What am I doing here?
He often felt like he didn’t fit somewhere. Actually, almost every time he entered his father’s house. He didn’t belong in those long, quiet halls, old paintings of his ancestors. They’d all look at him and laugh. He didn’t belong in a place where value was based on ability to read. He didn’t belong with his father and Alys and their almost born baby.
When he found out, he wasn’t even surprised. He knew why his father married someone just a little bit older than his son. He wasn’t even angry. Alys deserved to be a mother, to have a kid. Yes, she was still young, maybe even naive. Maybe she didn’t know about Jan’s actions towards his son, maybe she didn’t care.
He knew his mom wouldn’t, couldn’t give another, better heir. In his last memories of her, she was paler than usual, slower, weaker. Even though at the time she was the strongest person he’s ever known.
During her last days he often sat by her side. He didn’t know how, but his father allowed him. He didn’t have to attend lessons with his tutors. The list of things his father did right was short, but this was one of them. He even brought a Medik, but it was too late.
Wylan knew his father loved his mother. He so clearly remembered their love when he was a little kid. They would laugh and talk and spend every evening together.
All until his inability was discovered. His mother must’ve been the thing that calmed his father’s anger. He was patient at first. But with every tutor it was only worse and worse. And then his mother became ill. She couldn't protect him anymore. So even though he was allowed to spend her last days with her, his father went to the funeral alone.
After that came more tutors, more lessons, more hours with books he couldn't read.
But now none of those things mattered, because all he could feel was cold. Piercing through his bones. He felt rain all over his body. As a child he was scared of storms, but in his teenage years his boyfriend showed him the beauty of it. Unfortunately now he couldn’t remember what was so pretty about it, when he was freezing cold.
The only thing that pushed him to walk was the thought of his boyfriend’s home. His favourite place. He just had to keep on walking for a while.
After what felt like eternity he saw Fahey's place. They lived on the south edge of Ketterdam, so close to the countryside, but just not there. They moved here a few years ago, when Jesper started middle school. Before that he grew up on jurda farm in Novyi Zem Colm bought Aditi as a wedding gift.
As he stood looking at the door, earlier thought appeared again. WhatamIdoinghere? Why was he here? What was the point?
I didn’t matter, when the wind screamed again, his whole body shivered, and he just knocked without doubts.
He was allowed to exist here, to be real here.
At first he thought his knock was not loud enough to be heard. He was too tired to do it again, so he sat right where he stood. Maybe it was an hour, maybe a day, but when he leaned his head on the wall and closed his eyes, the door opened.
“Wylan?” familiar voice. Deep, kind, warm. “What you doin’ here, boy?” Colm didn’t expect to see his son’s boyfriend curled up against his doorframe just before midnight. “What happened?” he gently touched his arm, encouraging to stand up. “Come here lad, you’ll be okay, right?”.
Colm gently pushed him inside and closed the door, shielding them from this awful weather. Inside was mostly dark, only a dim, orange-ish light coming from the kitchen. “Sit here” he pointed to the kitchen island. “I’ll make us tea” he promised, quickly taking mugs from the little cup hanger.
Wylan had his own mug with ginger cats. Obviously Jesper's choice (Wylan wouldn’t admit it but he secretly loved it).
“You know” Wylan also loved that Colm probably figured out what had happened, since he knew some things about Jan Van Eck, but he still acted like everything was normal, okay, so Wylan could calm down. “Jes is taking a shower, I know it’s late, told him to go earlier, but you know him. Should I call him?”
“No, I- I don’t, yh, I jus- I’m sorry…” he muttered under his breath, fidgeting with his fingers. “Oh, no, don’t be sorry, boy, everything’s gonna be fine” he came closer, to gently pat his head. “Thank you… You don’t have to call him, sir, I wouldn't want to disturb him…”
“Nah, you know he would’ve dropped everything for you” he turned to pour water into three cups. “But we can just wait for him, right? I think he’s gonna come here any moment. And you don’t have to call me ‘sir’, kid, we’ve talked about this already, I’m not that old” Colm said happily, giving him his tea. “So… Can you tell me what happened? I need to know if there’s any help I can provide”.
Wylan knew this question would come up eventually. Even if he denied, both Colm and Jes would figure out why he’s holding himself so stiff.
“An ice pack would be great?” he whispered. “Oh, Wy Bear” Colm came closer and let him bury his face in the older man’s chest. He also gently cupped Wylan’s nape. “You’re safe here, I promise” he whispered.
When Wylan first met Colm, he saw how kind and lovely this man was. Obviously he had to be great, since his kid was also the most perfect boy he has ever met. They had the same, grey eyes, even though Jesper was Aditi’s copy.
So, he shouldn't be surprised with Colm. But after almost a decade of being a disappointment, this kind of hug was something he needed more than anything. When he started being friends with Jesper and others, he realized that maybe, just maybe, he was a little bit touch-starved. Since then, Jesper’s mission was to make him the most hugged person ever and after they became boyfriends, it was even more and even better.
Let’s just say that touch was Jesper’s love language.
But this hug was different. It was a hug from a father, a loving father, who cared. So he couldn’t stop the tears that were threatening to fall from his eyes. But that was okay with Colm. “Let it out boy”.
“Thank you, sir-... Colm. For everything.”
“Don’t mention it” he looked at this boy and wondered how a parent could ever act like this. “Now, let’s patch you up” he opened the fridge, took the ice out and reached for a kitchen towel to wrap the pack. “Let’s go sit on the couch” he guided Wylan. “Tell me what hurts”.
“Um… I think mostly my arms? And uh…”.
“Yes?”
“My ribs may be bruised a little bit…” he wrapped his middle with his hand. “Okay” Colm needed to take a deep breath. “Okay, lay down and put this on your ribs, make sure it’s touching the skin” he handed him the ice pack. “I’ll bring some ointment for your arms” he now saw the finger marks on the redhead’s skin, when he rolled up sleeves. “You’re fine” he promised and kissed the top of his head before leaving.
Before he returned to the kitchen to search for the ointment, he knocked on the bathroom door. “Jes?” he didn’t know if his son heard him through the water. “Yeah, Da?” the shower stopped. “Hurry up and bring some warm clothes to the living room, please!”.
“Is everything alright?” Jesper asked, reaching for a random towel and quickly drying his body. He didn’t bother with his pajamas, just pulling his underwear and coming outside.
“Wylan’s here” Colm placed hand on his son’s arm. “Don’t panic” he said, looking at Jesper's face. “Go to your room, bring him some clothes and dress yourself too, ‘kay? I know it’s hard, but I need you to be here for him. He’s hurt, but we’ll take care of him. Come on, lad”. His father always knew what to say. He was usually right (which he didn’t like when he was younger).
Jesper took two steps at once and in his room he grabbed Wylan’s favourite hoodie, the pink one, a pair of grey sweatpants and equally pink fuzzy socks. He loved his boyfriend in pink. Especially the light, baby pink shade.
He also knew the aversion Wylan once felt towards this color, that he thought liking pink made him more feminine when he avoided it the most.
But now his confidence was stronger than ever, so he proudly could wear a pink hoodie.
Thinking about colours helped him focus on his task, so he was able to grab the things, come back to the bathroom and put on his plaid pj’s pants with black, tight T-shirt. He knew Wylan would like the way he looked.
Not the best time for this thought.
His mind was full of every possible thing that has happened to his boyfriend, every possible scenario. He knew he was panicking now and that was not something that would help Wylan so he tried to stop and just breath. He heard Wylan saying this so many times, it helped him so many times, so now he focused on this and on the things he learned in therapy. You’ll be fine, just breathe.
After a short moment of just breathing he opened his eyes and went to the living room where Wylan was laying on the couch. He didn’t look dead, so that was the positive thing. He also didn’t look like he was in the worst pain of his life, so that also could’ve been worse. And basically that was the end of the good things he could count.
Wylan laid shirtless on the couch with an ice pack wrapped in towel on his ribs. He could see that fresh bruises were sticking out from under the towel. He could also see that bruises in the shape of fingers were covering his boyfriend’s forearms.
“Baby…” he whispered, taking in the sight in front of him. Wylan’s face wasn’t bruised, thankfully, but it was pale, his eyes a little bit red-framed, like he was holding tears. But when he saw Jesper it was like his resolve broke and he let out an ugly sob, curling on his side. Usually Wylan was a silent cryer, which always left an uneasy feeling in Jesper, cause no-one was born a silent cryer. But now? He was sobbing like a child, like a hurt child he truly was.
Jesper didn’t wait any longer, just sat next to Wylan and gathered him in his arms. He didn’t say anything. There was no need for it, he just let Wylan cry as long as he wanted, as he needed. He hummed the lullaby his mother sang to him when he was little and softly rocked from side to side. Only when he heard his boyfriend’s breath hitch he cupped his face and looked in his eyes. “What happened, baby?”
“Jes” his father approached them and crouched down. “We’ll talk later, ‘kay? Now Wy Bear is going to get a shower and I’ll make us something to eat. Then we will sit and talk, alright? For now we should let Wylan get comfy. It’s okay” he assured them. He did just as Colm said.
While Colm disappeared into the kitchen, Jesper brought the clothes for Wylan to the bathroom and put them on the closed toilet. When his boyfriend came along he reached his arms and pulled him close. “I love you” he kissed his head.
“I love you” Wylan responded, encircling Jesper’s waist with his arms. They stood like that for a while, but the younger boy finally pulled away and started unbuttoning his jeans. “I’ll leave you to it” Jesper turned to go to the living room. But before he could reach the door handle he felt a gentle touch on his wrist. “Can you stay?” Wylan pleaded with big blue eyes. “Of course” he kissed his head again and jumped to sit on the counter next to the washbasin.
He watched as Wylan undressed himself. For once not because he appreciated his boyfriend’s gorgeous body, but to check if there were any other wounds. He sighed with relief when the rest of Wylan was as light and untouched as it was supposed to be. He continued humming his little song as the younger boy disappeared into the shower.
His thoughts wandered to other times when they showered together. It was different now, mainly because of the atmosphere and the fact that only one of them was under the shower. He tried to figure out if they have ever showered this way, but couldn’t remember. “Have you drowned, Wy?” he asked after a while, when his boyfriend still didn’t come out.
“Obviosuly” he said louder to be heard through the water. “Just the warm water is calming and I’m too comfortable to move” he explained. “Just one more minute!”
“You can stay there as long as you want, baby” he promised, knowing how little comfort Wylan experienced in his life. But Wylan actually opened the shower door just a moment later and asked “Could you hand me the towel, please?”.
“Up to it!” he jumped off the counter and took a pink and soft towel from the closet. “Your wish is my command, darlin’” instead of simply handing him the material, he wrapped his boy himself and softly kissed his lips.
“Pink is the theme tonight?” Wylan giggled softly. “I like it when you take care of me” he admitted, letting Jesper dry his body for him.
“I like taking care of you. I just wish I could’ve been doing this just because I want, not because Jan Van Eck is a terrible person” he sighed and leaned his cheek on Wylan’s hair.
“I know” the younger boy whispered. “Just a few more weeks, right?” his eighteenth birthday were coming up and he wanted to move out as soon as possible.
“Just a few more weeks”. They would figure everything out. “Come on, you should get dressed”.
“Jesper Fahey, are you sick? What did you do with my boyfriend?” he laughed, but reached for his underwear. He and Jesper bought a few clothes for him to have in the Fahey household. It was mostly underwear though, cause he liked stealing things from his boyfriend. It’s not like Jesper minded.
“I just don’t want you to be cold” he crossed his arms with a fondly smile. “It’s raining. Did you come here just in a long-sleeve and jeans?”.
“Yes… I didn’t exactly have time to… take anything else. I just had my phone in a pocket. And a few Kruge, luckily, to buy a bus ticket” he put on his boxers, but stopped mid-tight. “Do you have pads?”.
“Obviously” Jesper opened the right drawer and took one out. “Period?” he asked compassionately.
“Ugh, yes. First day” he finished dressing up and came close to his boyfriend. He wrapped his arms around Jesper’s waist and put his cheek on the older boy’s chest, closing eyes. Immediately he felt arms around his shoulders and let out content sight. He needed this after everything that had happened. “Let’s go to Da”.
When they came into the kitchen, Colm was putting pasta into the bowls. “I reheated what we had for dinner, I hope it’s alright” he sent them a smile. “More than alright, s- Colm, thank you, truly” Wylan blushed, taking one of the seats, next to where Jesper usually sits. But his boyfriend took painkillers from the drawer and poured him a glass of water. He didn’t stop with that, but also put on a kettle. “Thanks, baby” Wylan took the pill. Jesper just smiled and didn’t say anything, just went to the corridor and came back with a hot water bottle in a knitted ‘sweater’.
Wylan saw the concerned look on Colm’s face when he swallowed the pill, but then an understanding showed up on his face. He knew that Wylan was trans, they didn’t hide this information from him, since there was nothing to be ashamed about. He was supportive of their relationship and Jesper knew that Wylan being transgender wouldn’t change anything.
Surprisingly it was never an issue for his father either. When he was younger his father even brought a tailor to help with his appearance a little bit. It was a relief, to feel like his body belonged to him. He also took medicine to help his voice change and stuff like that, but the Medik explained that it could take a while for his period to stop. He was fine with it. Jesper helped him realise that it didn’t make him less of a man.
The Medik also assured him that with the help of a tailor and the healer, they removed any possibility of him ever becoming… pregnant. He didn’t understand that clearly, especially when he still got his menses, but it was something about his body having to get rid of everything and... stuff.
The most important thing was that he felt like himself.
“Alright boys, let’s have a chat” Colm started, when Jesper finally handed Wylan ready hot water bottle and sat to his food. “Wylan, please tell me what happened, if you can”.
“He wasn’t home when I came back from school” he started, looking down at his hands and cradling warmth to his abdomen. “He was out with Alys. But he called me to his office when they came back. I knew. We’ve got the results of our Kerch test. I’ve listened to all of the audiobooks I could’ve, but I couldn't read the questions and write any answers. The worst thing is that I knew them, cause later Inej told me what they asked. Before the test she said she would help me, but it had happened in the past, so the teacher didn’t allow us to sit together… I failed, obviously” he felt Jesper fingers entwined with his. “He was so angry and upset and I know I should've just accepted his words, even though he’s not right” both of the Fahey’s were glad to hear Wylan admit his father was wrong. It took a lot of time and words from both of them for him to understand. “But I was tired of him calling me… Ughm, yeah, and so I just said that if he allowed me to tell the teachers and get accommodations I wouldn’t fail those tests, cause I really knew the answers. But it just made him more angry and he grabbed me and pushed into his desk… I heard he tried to remove his buckle so I pushed myself from the desk and ran… didn’t take anything with me… I-I… He used his buckle once… Just a few months after Mama… And it hurt so much, I remember crying and everything… I couldn’t go through this again, so I just ran… I ran to the city and when I was far enough I took the bus and showed up here…” he was calmer now, than he was when he came here. Thanks to Jes and his dad he was able to tell them this story.
The few bruises he had now definitely weren’t the worst thing that has happened to him from his father's hands, but the buckle sound just made him so panicked.
“It’s a fucking nightmare” Jesper dropped his head on the table, but quickly stood up and hugged Wylan from behind, while the younger boy was still sitting.
“Jesper, language!” Colm scolded him, but he was lost for words.
“Da! What am I supposed to say when I hear my boyfriend is treated this way by his own father? How can I just sit here and do nothing, knowing that sooner or later he has to come back to this house!” Jesper’s voice grew louder with every second, his shoulder tense.
“Jes” Wylan tried to calm him. “Just a few more weeks, remember? And then I’ll figure out something. I’ll move out, I promise. I know it’s a lot… I’m sorry” he whispered, looking at both of them.
“No, no. No. Don’t be sorry, baby” he cursed under his breath. “I’ve never meant to worry you or regret coming here. Sorry”.
“Everything will be alright, boys. It’s hard to admit, but Wylan’s right. We can’t do anything, yet. But as soon as he’s eighteen, we’ll get him out of this house” Colm stood up and pulled them both into a warm hug.
After a while they return to their meals. They sat in comfortable silence, so different from the Van Eck’s mansion's empty halls. They were cold, unlike the Fahey’s home. Even after everything that had happened that night, they were still able to enjoy their meal together.
“Boys” Colm began, when he gathered the dishes to the sink and gave them their tea. “I know you’re grown ups and responsible. You’re both smart and I also know you don’t have to worry about certain things” Jesper only groaned and rubbed his face with his hand, while Wylan blushed profusely, almost matching the color of his hoodie. “Da, we’ve had this talk before and we’re not doing it again!”.
“Jes, I just want to be sure you both know-” he didn’t get to finish, because Jesper interrupted. “Da, please” he groaned again. “We know what’s important and we know the rules. Consent is the most important thing” he put up first finger. “We always check with each other, thank you very much. Sex has to be safe. You don’t want to know or hear when we have sex. That’s all. Can we end now? Please? We didn't have sex just now if that's what you're worried about”.
“I’m glad you know the rules, son” he laughed, even though he clearly wasn’t comfortable with this conversation, too. “Fine, you’re free to go. I’ll be in the living room in case you need anything”.
Wylan and Jesper took their mugs and the older boy wanted to lead them to his room, when he heard his boyfriend. “Yeah, Wy?”.
“Can we stay here? Curl up on the couch and stay with your Da? If that's okay?” he gnawed on his lip, looking hopefully at his lover.
“Of course we can” he turned back to the living room, where he helped Wylan set up in a comfortable position, with the hot water bottle on his belly and soft pillow under his back. “The pill helped?”
“Yes, it’s better, thank you” they kissed softly. “Come here” he patted the spot next to himself.
The couch was in the “L” shape. Jesper leaned on the backrest and stretched his legs out, while Wylan curled on his right side. He had his legs up to his chest and was placed between his boyfriend and the armrest. He hugged Jesper’s right arm to his chest and let his hand rest between his legs, gently cupping his shin from the front. Wylan’s head rested on Jesper’s shoulder and he was finally able to breathe properly.
When Colm came into the room and saw his boys sleeping, his heart swelled with love and pride. He was so proud of his son for taking such good care of his boyfriend, not just in this extreme situation where Wylan had to search for safety in their house. It was also about everyday situations, like Wy’s period, where Jesper just helped him ease the pain.
He was proud of Wylan, that he was no longer scared of seeking help.
He turned off the biggest lights in the house and made sure the doors were closed. In the living room he put on the gentle, yellow floor lamp and covered his sons with a soft but warm blanket.
They were going to be alright.