Chapter Text
"The actual fucking Muppets?"
Keeley jumped up and down, her heels clicking on the tile of the coaches' office. Beard was reading a copy of "The Monster at the End of this Book" but made very little progress as his eyes darted around under dark sunglasses. Higgins had just left to get Ted but it was more packed than it had been in quite a while. Rebecca stood in the corner, her head in her hands. Trent Crimm typed at his desk, the door wide open as he not-so-inconspicuously listened-in. From through the open door, more than a twinge of body-spray was applied on a heard of rowdy young men: the Greyhounds.
"How the fuck did you get us on the Muppets?" Roy Kent grumbled, pacing (or more like stomping).
"I went to modeling school with the lovely Miss Piggy," Keeley replied.
"Are you serious?" Roy retorted.
"Are you sure this isn't a scam, Keeley?" asked Rebecca.
"What do you mean?" she said, turning to Rebecca.
"Well, you know the Muppets don't just contact people like this," Rebecca groaned, "Even if they were old friends with Miss Piggy. I'm not saying it is," she added, seeing the dismay and anger on Keeley's face, "But... if it is real, you have to think of the schematics. Who would go? When would this be? We're in the middle of the season, for Christ's sakes!"
Beard took his sunglasses off, revealing wide eyes, pinched lips, and a pale face. "I think the real question is how we tell Ted."
"Tell me what?" Ted Lasso sauntered into the room. All eyes turned towards him.
"Oh gee, I didn't mean to crash the party but I mean, with y'all's faces I'd be sure it's a funeral."
Higgins waddled into the room, huffing and puffing. "I... I tried to catch him... he..."
Rebecca interrupted, "Shut the door."
Beard could just glean the worried look on a few players' faces before the shades were drawn and the door to the locker room actively locked.
"Oh don't blame Higgins," Ted chirped. "He said y'all got a surprise for me! I shoulda waited for him, but you know how I get about surprises, right Coach?"
"Sure do Coach," Beard replied cautiously, putting his glasses and book on his desk.
Ted continued rambling, "I mean, what's not good as a surprise? Surprise parties, surprise biscuits," he glanced at Rebecca, "I mean, hell, I'd even take a surprise smoothie. Sure they can put all kinda wacky junk in there, but you know if people didn't try eating wacky junk, we wouldn't have cheese and peanut butter sandwiches, or milk for that matter-"
"Keeley got us a gig with the Muppets," Roy growled. "I don't know why everyone wants to keep it from you but-"
Beard stared at Ted. Keeley and Rebecca stared at Roy with gazes like knives. Higgins made a cutting-neck motion. Even Trent Crimm had stopped typing. Roy Kent rolled his eyes, but, upon seeing Ted's face, wanted to suck the words right back into his mouth.
"The... Muppets?" Ted looked like he had just seen a ghost. He stopped talking entirely, and sat in his chair criss-cross-apple-sauce. His fingers grazed over his mustache like a cartoon villain.
"Ahh no, I think you've broke him," said Higgins, creeping closer to Trent's office's door.
"Actually," said Keeley softly, slowly approaching Ted like he was a ginger cat, "They reached out to me, about you. At first it was Sesame Street, which they still want you on, but I talked 'em into doing a Muppet Show Episode with the club, seeing how all of us love them so much. It actually wasn't all that difficult with me knowing Piggy and all that. Apparently, Ted, you're a big deal in America after the report on your 'food-poisoning' from Trent, and they've wanted to bring in more episodes for their international audience. It was an easy pitch."
"Alright," Roy started, nearly yelling," So, what you're saying is you've got us a trip to America..."
"Mhm!"
"And a partnership with a childrens' program..."
"Well I wouldn't exactly say-"
"Because of Lasso..."
"Yea."
"And your relationship with a fictional pig?"
The room gasped. Beard let out a high-pitched yelp. Higgins' hands flew to cover his mouth. Trent Crimm rolled into the room, his brow furrowed.
"Did I just hear-"
SMACK! Keeley's hand flew across Roy's stubbled cheek.
"OW! WHAT THE FUCK?!?" Roy Kent yowled.
"Shame on you!" Keeley stomped too Rebecca's side. Tears rolled down her face as Rebecca rubbed her shoulders, muttering reassurances.
Trent Crimm stood from his chair. "How dare you?"
"Miss Piggy is a living legend." Rebecca held her friend now, earning herself a signature Keeley-mascara-marks on her sky blue top.
"Fuck this," Roy grunted. He attempted to storm out, but the locked door served as an unexpected obstacle to him. His forehead knocked straight into the window, and he growled as he tried the handle again, then again, and finally broke the handle. He barged into the locker-room, only to find the lads pressed with ears against the wall (Zoreaux and Rojas sat on their asses, evidently knocked away from the door).
"OI!"
They scattered, sprinting towards whatever exits they could find. Roy flew to the door of the hallway.
"KEEP FUCKING RUNNING!"
A door opened from the other side of the hall. Will poked his head out.
"I heard you guys got an offer from the Muppets," he offered after a moment of awkward quiet. "That's-"
"I'm gonna kill someone," Roy muttered.
"Right, yeah, that's fair," Will replied as he ducked back into the Boot Room.