Work Text:
You’re walking around Crossroads, when you suddenly catch sight of a brand new shop. It must’ve recently opened, you’ve walked around here countless times but you’ve never seen it before. As you walk over, you notice something… There’s gold everywhere, the shops even made out of gold! You watch your step to not accidentally break it, since you’re broke and don't wanna have to pay an insane amount of money over damaging property or whatever, and walk inside.
Artwork covers the walls, alongside clearly expensive grandmaster clocks, necklaces, rings, really anything. Like a thrift store except for rich people.
As you look around, you lock eyes with the shop keeper.
They were genuinely the hottest inphernal you’ve ever seen!
You stare at them for a solid minute before they speak up in an overly bitter tone, “Quit staring, I have customers to serve and money to make.”
“Sorry, sorry.” You nod your head, going back to looking around the shop. You can’t help but fidget, they were genuinely so attractive. They looked an awful lot like a certain horrible rich guy you’ve seen, but you try not to stress it.
You decide to help out by buying the first half-decent artwork you see.
Unfortunately for you, a painting of Subspace clearly traced over the only known image of Darkheart is hung up on the wall before you. He looks horrible, paint smeared everywhere in a way that just doesn’t make sense, but it’s funny. You can’t help but let out a laugh at it.
“Hey, shopkeeper?” You laugh, walking over.
“What.” They sigh.
“Is that painting of Subspace over there for sale?” You bite your hand, trying to stifle a laugh.
“Yes, it is, but-”
“I’ll take it.”
They sigh, “Can you not interrupt me? It costs 10,000, no less.”
Your jaw practically drops in surprise. “10 grand?” You whisper.
“Yes. I’m not taking less, now pay up.” They hold their hand out on the counter, clenching and unclenching their fist. “I don’t have all day.”
You look around before eventually digging into your wallet. They were hot, so you’ll let it slide and do it this one time. That’s kinda all the money you have though, so yeah!
You place the money onto their palm, biting your lip awkwardly. You’re SO gonna regret this later…
“Thank you.” They walk over, taking the painting down and placing it under their arm. “It’s not heavy, don’t worry.”
“You look like skin and bones, I won’t!”
They glare at you.
“...Sorry. What’s your name?” You mumble, trying to make small talk. Hopefully this painting has a return policy.
“Pwnatious, don’t butcher it.” They mumble, going back behind the counter. “Now leave, I have other customers to take care of.”
“I don’t see anyone here-”
“Leave.” They repeat.
“Okay, sorry…” You wince, quickly grabbing the painting and making your way out of the shop.
On your way home, the only thought in your mind is how badly you fucked up purchasing this goddamn painting. You grit your teeth, wishing that life would take its course and either kill you or you magically find a way to get all your money back by tomorrow, unfortunately the former is more likely.
…Unless you start painting?
Nevermind, that’s out of the question. You’ll either ask for a refund, beg them for money, or just find a normal way to get it back.
Bothering Pwnatious sounds more fun, though.
You open your front door with a smile on your face, placing the painting down infront of your door and walking to your bathroom. You brush your teeth then go to your bedroom, slip into your pajamas, and fall into bed.
Your dreams are filled with joy and sheep with Pwnatious’ face on them.
When you finally wake up, you rush to get ready, and leave the door with the painting. Unfortunately for you, you live next to a painter and they accidentally splatter paint right on Subspace’s face.
“Dude…” You gasp.
“What the fuck do you want?!” Your neighbor yells.
“I was gonna return that…”
“Oh.” They look away nervously. “Wipe it with a towel. Here, here.”
You snatch it from them, quickly patting it down. The paint below chips off though…
“That’s low quality… Did you get it from fucking temu??” They laugh. It embarrasses the shit out of you so you just run off.
On the way there your thoughts are filled with nothing except for how ugly Pwnatious is. That greedy bitch, they sold you a cheap painting for 10 grand of all prices… This is worse than the Tyler Catastrophe situation.
When you arrive back at the shop, you see Pwnatious is outside of it for once. You rush over to them, shoving the painting into their face. “This is… clearly cheap! His face instantly scrubbed off, I demand a return!” You personally think you aced the impersonation of a Karen, but others might not agree.
“No.” They sigh, pushing the painting away. “I don’t do returns, it’s too bad.”
“What?”
“I said I don’t do returns.” Pwnatious repeated, “I don’t find them necessary when all of my items are of the highest quality. I’ll let you know, I got that from an amazing artist who likes to experiment with the way people perceive things, which for the most part is by imitating poorly drawn art.”
“I really don’t care, I want a refund.” You repeat, deciding to stand your ground… even though they don’t do refunds and probably already bought something with your hard-earned money.
“No.” They hiss.
“Please! I’ll find a way to make it up to you or whatever they say!” You drop down onto your hands and knees. “I’ll even kiss your disgusting lips!”
“Do you want to kiss me or something?” Pwnatious scoffs, crossing their arms. “Get off the floor, you disgust me…”
“Can I? Who said that…” You look around awkwardly.
“Fine, but you better be paying me.” They smirk.
“No, you pay me! I said I’ll do it for my money back!” You get off of your knees and shove Pwnatious against the wall.
“That doesn’t make any sense, I don’t benefit from this in any way.” Pwnatious shoves you off just to flip you both around. “Think of an idea that benefits me, then maybe I’ll consider it.”
“Can we just make out??”
Pwnatious doesn’t reply.
“Please?”
“Whatever, sure. I’ll give you your money back, too.” They scoff, taking the teapot off their head. They never expected to be giving into a poor inphernal, but it’s whatever…
You don’t even get the chance to initiate things before they smash their lips against yours.
“Zoo wee mama!!” You blurt out, wrapping your arms around their neck and opening your mouth WIDE!! They shove their tongue into your mouth and you don’t even fight it!!
“You’re so hot!!” You say between kisses, drool dripping down your lips. Pwnatious licks it up!!
After you make out because i’m tired and there’s something i gotta add
“Oh right, who made the painting?” You ask, putting the money back into your wallet.
“Oh, Tyler Catastrophe did.”
You stop in your tracks.