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Bentley Bumping Off Baddies
“What the flying fuckery flashbang fluffernutter fussy fuckago fuckingnois?” The Bentley thought as they felt a very different presence enter them, and normally that doesn’t bother them; if Crowley or the twat with the sweets was there, but this sensation was distinctly human.
“Like taking candy from a baby,” said the man as he stroked the wheel and dashboard. “I have been dreaming of a car like this for decades.”
The Bentley took offense at that, they were very much one of a kind, who can say they went through hell fire, blew up, and made it back to the world. “Okay,” they thought “fine whatever Crowley is too sad to do anything about loosing me, fuck it, we brawl!”
🎶I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation
Living in the past, it's a new generation🎶
Well it might not be the Runaways, but they have to Joan Jett it out of this bullshit. They cranked up the radio much to the dismay of the bland ass bookie.
“What the fuck?” said the man as he tried to situate some submission out the radio as the Bentley raged ridiculously loud. He slammed his fist on the dashboard, Bentley did not like that shit. They tore through the garage gate, wildly wandering down Whickber Street.
🎶A girl can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm gonna do
An' I don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation🎶
The Bentley knew they were a good car, the bestest car a demon could demand or an angel could ask for. But right now they knew neither the Demon or Angel was here to help, so in that moment they knew they only got themselves. Sure the daddies appear divorced or at the very last separated but that was no reason, the Bentley needed to be mucked about by mere mortals. They have managed to bend reality for Crowley; they weren’t about to just roll over and take on a new driver.
🎶Oh no, not me
An' I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation
Never said I wanted to improve my station
An' I'm only doin' good when I'm havin' fun
An' I don't have to please no one🎶
The Bentley being the bad bitch they be, started to do donuts in the middle of the street, they knew they could at least get up to 4 Gs if they got the spin correctly which should be enough to knock the bookie bastard out. They spun and spun while barely missing passersby. They wished Crowley could see them now, they are so sure Crowley would just give an encouraging word or gentle stroke of affection. They felt a thud that indeed indicated that the individual invading their space was knocked the fuck out.
🎶An' I don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation
Oh no, no, no, no not me, oh no, no, no, no not me
I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation
I've never been afraid of any deviation
An' I don't really care if you think I'm strange
I ain't gonna change
An' I'm never gonna care 'bout my bad reputation
Oh no, not me, oh no, not me
Pedal, boys!🎶
The Bentley accelerated audaciously towards the closest body of water she could find and gave a once over to figure out if any of their seatbelts were in use, and nope not engaged. They made their windshield and the wipers disappear, and just as they were about to hit the shore, they slammed their breaks, ejecting the unwanted man out of their interior and into the exterior body of water.
🎶An' I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation
The world's in trouble, there's no communication
An' everyone can say what they wanna say
It never gets better, anyway
So why should I care about a bad reputation, anyway?🎶
The Bentley raced their way back to Whickber Street. They slowed down as they approached their familiar neighborhood. They weaved ambitiously through alleys in hopes of addressing Crowley. They didn’t see them around, but they saw another Demon and Angel that could be of assistance. They did another donut and diverted the demon and absconded the angel by throwing their doors open and scooping them up. The Demon Eric divided into multiple mammals with fluffy mantles to soften the strike of the Angel Muriel.
“Oh hi Eric,” enunciated Muriel as they smiled at the surprise of crashing into their favorite demon.
Eric the Expendable shook their multiple heads and reconstituted as one, “Okay I know this is the flash bastard’s car, but where is he?”
“Oh he’s super sloushed and sulking on the street,” replied Muriel, “oh travel sweets” they picked up some pastilles and popped it in their mouth. They picked up a few more and passed them to Eric.
“I thought the angels don’t sully themselves with earth stuff.” Eric eyed it suspiciously before trying one, “oh… that’s delightful, no wonder they use this stuff for starter temptations.”
“There is nothing particularly good or bad about food, why would it be a temptation?” asked Muriel.
Eric shrugged, “well I don’t know if the moral thing is something we managed to do or if it is something the humans do to themselves.” He pointed to a sad sack sulking off to the side.
“I think that’s Mr. Crowley!”
🎶 Oh no, not me, oh no, not me
I don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation
You're living in the past, it's a new generation
An' I only feel good when I got no pain🎶
The Bentley slowed to a crawl slowly approaching Crowley’s sad sacked self.
“What are you doing here? I lost you fair and square to Cam, if you aren’t his then he will burn the bookstore,” Said Crowley slithering further down the sleep sack.
The Bentley honked in protest at Crowley’s refusal.
Crowley stood up still in the sack, “GO BACK TO CAMERON! I DON’T WANT YOU ANYMORE!”
🎶 I wanna get him back
I wanna make him really jealous, wanna make him feel bad
Oh, I wanna get him back
'Cause then again, I really miss him, and it makes me real sad
Oh, I want sweet revenge
And I want him again
I want to get him back (and then? And then)
I want to get him back, back, back 🎶
“What are you doing playing teeny bopper pop!?” exclaimed Crowley. He panicked just a little bit when he realized the Bentley was driving towards him. He tripped and the Bentley just gently edged up to him, trapping him in the sleep sack.
🎶 Buddy, you're an old man, poor man
Pleading with your eyes, gonna make you some peace someday
You got mud on your face, big disgrace
Somebody better put you back into your place 🎶
The doors of the Bentley gently opened and nudged the distracted juniors out of the car. Muriel popped more candies into their mouth, “Oh what’s happening?” they notice the wiggly crawling Crowley from beneath the carriage of the car.
“I think the car wants us to bring Mr. Crowley into the car.”
🎶"Yes, and?"
Say that shit with your chest, and
Be your own fuckin' best friend
Say that shit with your chest
Keep movin' like, "What's next?"
"Yes, and?" 🎶
Eric and Muriel gently eased Crowley from under the car and into the cab of the car.
“I swear if they hurt even one page of that bookshop I’m going to take you apart.”
“Mr. Crowley, stop being so fucking dramatic,” replied Eric. “I am pretty sure I just saw your car potentially commit murder to get you back.”
Muriel added, “you aren’t helpless in all of this, you had a choice and I am sorry you can’t see the point in trying to change things from the inside, but I don’t know maybe let Archangel Aziraphale take a crack at it. Honestly you both are miserable, why not be miserable together in each other’s company.”
🎶You better come get your man
I think he wanna be way more than friends, what?
More than friends
What you want me to say? 🎶
“Oh shut up!” exclaimed Crowley.
🎶'Cause I'm zero to sixty in 3.5
Baby, you got the keys
Now shut up and drive 🎶
“Okay, where would I even go?” asked Crowley.
🎶 Oh, once in your life, you find someone
Who will turn your world around
Bring you up when you're feelin' down🎶
Crowley grimaced at the opening notes of the song. ”Ngk No, what good is that going to do?”
🎶Yeah, nothin' could change what you mean to me
Oh, there's lots that I could say
But just hold me now
'Cause our love will light the way
And baby, you're all that I want
When you're lyin' here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in Heaven 🎶
Crowley sighed and gently rested a hand on the Dashboard. The Bentley made its way to the Dirty Donkey and the elevator nearby. They gently nudged Muriel out.
“Oh how is that going to work?” asked Muriel as they approached the elevator and pushed the call button. They turned back and noticed that the Bentley was no larger than a RC car, a silly chirping yell can be heard from the Bentley. Muriel bent down and picked it up. Crowley was in the back seat frowning with folded arms while Eric enthusiastically waved at the giant Muriel. She pushed the button for Heaven and so they ascended.
When they were up in Heaven, Muriel gently placed the Bentley back on the ground, and it gently grew to its full size. And it gently tilted out the sad sack Crowley and Eric. “Well might as well go get the dumbass angel and drive off into the sunset,” thought the Bentley.
🎶'Cause I'm as free as a bird now
And this bird you cannot change
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
And the bird you cannot change
And this bird you cannot change
Lord knows I can't change
Lord, help me, I can't change 🎶
“Oh that’s not good,” said Crowley as he looked at Muriel and Eric, “the last time the Bentley played ‘Free Bird’, I didn’t see them for a month and there was a string of christian nationalists suffering from crashes caused by a car matching their description. Actually you know what, that’s great. That’s their fucking up shit song.” Crowley smiled as his cars stalked the sites of Heaven.
The 9 minutes it took to play FreeBird was enough time for the Bentley to track down Aziraphale, scoop him up, and go on a running over rampage based solely on the vibes Aziraphale put out upon seeing the other angels. It was pretty sure it only left one arch angel but who gives a fuck certainly not the Bentley because fuck that shit, they were getting their daddies back together. They started their way back to the lift and started blasting.
🎶You're the boy of my dreams
I'd like to thank you
For waiting patiently
Daddy's home
Daddy's home to stay
How I've waited for this moment
To be by your side
Your best friend wrote and told me
You had teardrops in your eyes 🎶
Crowley, who returned to his sad sack self coiled on the ground, peaked out from his sleep sack and was a bit surprised to see the Bentley covered in blood and he was pretty sure the ripped off face of the Metatron, thundering their way towards them. The Bentley took a sudden turn and started to roll over, but managed to scoop up Crowley and shrink down to a size reasonable to fit in the lift back to Earth. Crowley would say they were chuffed to be next to Aziraphale again, but something chaffed their inner mind like a bad itch.
Aziraphale was gripping on to his grey suit with white knuckles and hyperventilating. He took a few centering breaths before turning to Crowley. “Thank you, I was very much out of my depth up here, and as much as I tried to be brave and clever like you, I just kept falling short. I know we could never be happy knowing everyone down on earth suffered, but I think I am ready to give it a go together; but only if you’re willing.”
Crowley looked at Aziraphale and took off his sunglasses, “you know what I would very much like that.”
“I missed you so much, and I really was never sure what to say, but with how I left, I was wondering if you could… Do it again?” asked Aziraphale.
Crowley looked at Aziraphale, “I don’t know, maybe I need a refresher.”
Azirphale gently raised his hand to his own lips, feeling the memory of the last time they were together, he took a breath and reached out towards Crowley. He reached out like a serious Catholic doing veneration on Good Friday, the gesture meant as a thank you for your life.
Crowley grabbed Aziraphale’s outstretched arm and kissed the parts of his fingers that just touched his mouth and gently pulled Aziraphale closer to him. They didn’t notice it but the Bentley definitely stretched out to be more comfortable, much like a bed in a way. He held Aziraphale just a little bit back hovering, not quite sure if he should kiss Aziraphale, but Aziraphale made that final leap and joined their lips.
Aziraphale savored the kiss like it was the most wonderful wine or the most decadent dessert. He wrapped his arms around Crowley pulling him even closer. They continued kissing and found themselves rolling in the backseat bed like some inexperienced theater kid couple but even more enthusiastically than the average theater kid couple. “I know one kiss doesn’t solve everything, but can we consider it a start.”
“Oh shut up and keep kissing me,” said Crowley as he pinned down Aziraphale, he smiled against Aziraphale’s lips and embraced him fully.
The door to the lift opened and Muriel and Eric held it open for the Bentley to get in, they followed only to be followed by one more person.
“Be not afraid, I am only here to talk,” replied Saraqual. They raised their eyebrows at that little Bentley rocking in the corner.
Eric and Muriel relaxed and looked at Saraqual, they too noticed the Bentley rocking “um the car wasn’t moving like that on the way up, does going down affect the movement, but rocking doesn’t make sense does it,” asked Muriel about to bend down to take a closer look.
“Oh darling, you might just want to leave them alone,” replied Eric, “I believe there is a saying here on earth, ‘if the car is rocking, don’t come knocking.’ So maybe we just leave the car alone until it stops moving.”
“What does that even mean?” asked Saraqual.
“Honestly, no idea, usually when I see humans in rocking cars they are trying to assert dominance by battling with their tongues,” answered Eric.
“Oh you mean kissing,” replied Muriel.
“The other demons called it fucking,” said Eric.
Saraqael gave an exasperated look upwards, “I don’t care, it is very unsettling, but it is neither here nor there. Thanks to the actions of that car, Heaven only has one archangel, but things just keep getting shaken up every time we try to interfere with Earth, and I don’t really like that change.”
The Lift doors opened and they all exited, the rocking Bentley rolled merrily as it grew back to its full size. The Bentley was still very much rocking, the windows were fogged up and two hands cut through the fogged up glass. The Bentley gently rolled its way to a solitary side street.
🎶But everybody wants to put me down
They say I'm going crazy
They say I got a lot of water in my brain
I got no common sense (he's got)
I got nobody left to believe in
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Oh, Lord
Somebody (somebody), somebody (somebody)
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
(Can anybody find me someone to love)🎶
“Muriel, let’s cut a deal, you keep those two away from Heaven for the rest of eternity, and I promise I will never try to set off another apocalypse.”
“Okay deal, but you have to tell them, and you remove the miracle limits for both me and Aziraphale… because capitalism sucks so much, and while Aziraphale had 6000 years to acquire wealth, I did not, and there was no proper paperwork to ensure that I could still manage his dealings and some terrible private equity firm tried to swoop in and take the property and say that since I had no proof of existing, then no one could be quite sure on Azirphale’s wishes. Like I don’t know what to…”
Saraqael raised a hand to put a pause on Muriel’s train of thought. “Muriel if you just gave me a moment, yes, I agree to that, take a breath, slow down keep tabs on those two and give me a heads up if they get caught up in any world ending business, but I assure you I have no interest in ending the world because that means eternity doing pretty much nothing once all the processing work happens, and I do loath change.” Saraqael sighed, I guess I have a lot of reorganizing to do upstairs, but I’ll be back to tell those two the new status quo.” They sighed, and went back into the lift, not looking forward to whatever mess awaited them upstairs.
Eric leaned in towards Muriel, “so I think we’re alone now, and who knows when those two maniacs will be back, maybe we can go try some earthly matter, while we wait.” He offered a hand to Muriel.
Muriel smiled, and took Eric’s hand, “sure that sounds lovely.”
“I’m not lovely,” replied Eric.
“Well I think you are very nice,” joked Muriel.
“I’m a demon, I am pretty sure I am incapable of being nice;” replied Eric with some false indignation.
“Well I would tell you to get behind me, foul fiend, but I don’t find you very fiendish,” smirked Muriel.
Eric laughed, “Okay, I’m a bit soft but don’t tell the others.”
Honestly it wasn’t a bad day, and eventually conversations that needed to happen will happen and trust will be rebuilt, but for now it was a good day, the first good day in quite some time.