Chapter Text
"I can't do this anymore, Louis" and six words were all it took for Louis to peer through his shoulders at Harry who was hunched up on the rocking chair looking out through the window.
Louis saw this coming from a long time, saw this when Harry became distant, when he was greeted with a frown instead of a glowing smile when he came home after a long day. Louis saw this coming when Harry slept in the farthest corner of the bed, away from Louis. Even the emptiness between them felt like a foreign feeling to him. But he saw this coming, Louis was just waiting for Harry to spill the words.
"What are you talking about, Harry?" Louis tried his best to make Harry change his decision, to rethink it.
"I am tired, Louis. I am tired of sharing you with someone. I am tired of sleeping alone at night, expecting you to come home, only to be disappointed. I am tired of this, Louis. I am tired of this back and forth.", Harry released a breath and finally looked up at Louis with his red rimmed eyes which didn't gleam the bright green orbs, just a lifeless and vacant space, as if someone sucked out the soul from it.
"You knew it was going to be tough, Harry. You knew it back then. You knew it all along and then you come and say this to me?" Louis didn't know what to say anymore. He knew that anything he says won't be enough to hold back the person he wants. Harry won't stay and Louis knew it.
Louis just didn't want to regret later about the fact that he didn't fight enough. That he didn't fight for what WAS his.
Was.
Not anymore his.
Even thinking about it hurts. But Louis knew enough to let him go. He just wanted to fight for this last time and test his chances, test his destiny, test his love.
"I knew it. But I didn't know back then that I would have to give up my happiness for you to have the focus on you, all the time. You are apparently a doting father and a loving boyfriend as well. The only difference? Both of the terms don't associate with me, Louis. It never did. I don't know if it ever will. So? Where do I fit in, huh? Where the hell your boyfriend of 5 years fit in this equation?", Harry was seething with anger, his nostrils flaring. Louis could understand that Harry has been bottling it all up and he was finally letting it all go today.
"What do you want, Harry? Tell me and it's yours" Louis paused. "But, you know that I can't just back out now. I warned you beforehand that It'll be tough, you said we'll make it, Harry. You promised.", Louis was not going to cry, even with all the building tears around his eyes, he won't crack.
"I am not sure if I can do this anymore, Louis. I got to look out for myself. I have gotten to a point where I hardly sleep, I don't feel anything anymore, Louis. I feel numb, as if someone could twist a knife through my chest and I won't feel anything anymore.",Harry's voice sounded so insecure and vulnerable.
But Harry didn't know that Louis hasn't slept since he started it. That, he hardly eats anymore. Harry didn't even notice that the jumper that used to fit Louis perfectly, is now a loose fit. Harry didn't notice when Louis curled in around himself in the middle of the night because he wanted someone to hold him. Louis was not used to sleeping alone. But Harry didn't see. Even when he was slept just beside him, Harry did not see.
"You want to go away?", Louis asked, his voice almost breaking at the last bit.
"I just can't keep hanging anymore, Louis. We are not even signed anymore to Modest. We could have done everything we wanted to but you just think about yourself and your image. I want to think for myself, Louis. For once, I want to think for myself.", and Louis just wanted Harry to not make it tougher than it already was.
"Okay.", was all that came out of Louis' mouth.
Louis stood there, baffled with all the confessions and the accusations. He deserved it, didn't he? But...
Harry didn't know Louis did it for him, for them. Harry didn't know that Louis signed this contract way before their hiatus was planned. Louis signed this after the management gave them the options against his and Harry's freedom.
Louis took it. He didn't think about the journey that the contract would entail. He just saw the end of it and they were free and that was all that Louis needed. So he signed it. But Harry didn't know that if he just waited for a few more months, it was going to end. They could have been all that they have ever dreamt of. But.. Harry was going away and Louis was letting him.
"You won't even put up a fight? You are gonna just let me go? Just like that? With your bullshit "okay"?", Louis was confused. What did Harry want then?
"What do you want me to do, Harry?", Louis was so close to snapping at Harry.
"I don't know, Louis. How about you just fuck those stunts and just let those go? How about you do what we planned for the hiatus? How about you put me firs-", Louis wanted to laugh out so badly.
Harry wanted Louis to put him first while he did all of it just for Harry. For their happiness. For their freedom.
"Just let these stunts go, Louis. Let's just be together like we planned to, without all the hiding, without all the conspiracies.", Louis couldn't even tell Harry about the contract, because what if then Harry feels obligated to stay with him?
"I can't " and just as those words slipped past his lips, Harry pushed past him up to their bedroom and Louis knew this was it.
Harry was going away.
Maybe Louis deserves this.