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Buck woke up drained. He, again, cried himself to sleep last night. He hasn’t heard from his husband in a week and his son has adapted to his mood. In the last years he has come up with a routine, which is imprinted on his mind like a tattoo. Wake up, get ready, work, go home, sleep.
He can’t wait for Eddie anymore. He misses him too much. Buck has spent too much time feeling alone. Not only in his childhood, after Maddie left, but now in his marriage too. He can’t even blame someone or turn his emotions into anger. He just wants to feel something else. He wants to feel his husbands skin again. His fluffy hair, instead of the short strands. His calloused fingertips on his skin. And the warm embrace of Eddie’s arms.
But for now he has to get up and get his son and himself ready for the day. Buck throws back the warm blanket, that hasn’t smelled like his husband in two and a half months. Not only because Eddie has been gone for three, but because he had to, eventually, change the sheets. He has learned to dread wash-day.
Buck changes the worn out army shirt with his work-uniform. The blue fabric stretching across his chest and biceps unlike the, just discarded, sleep shirt.
Walking out of the bedroom the emptiness and silence hit him like a train. Instead of Eddie leaning against the wall with two matching cups of coffee, is now nothing at all. Nothing to distract him from the hole his husband left behind.
Buck quietly knocks on Chris’s door and enters after hearing a low hum. Across the room is Christopher, standing in front of his closet, looking nothing but unmotivated. His usually bright and squeaky son is now awake only because of his alarm clock, not his never-ending-energy.
“Good morning bud, have you already decided on an outfit?” greets Buck his son to maintain at least a bit of normality. “Yeah, could you help me put it on” is the answer he gets. That just about breaks his heart. His 6-year-old has started to enter his ‘I-can-do-it-alone’-phase, but lately Chris has been asking for more help and contact than usual.
Secretly Buck welcomes the request, it helps him quiet his mind and also gives him the opportunity to get close to his son before starting his 12-hour shift.
So Buck helps his son get dressed and gets the coffee-machine, the one Eddie despises, started. He grabs two bowls and fills them with cornflakes and oat-milk.
Before seeing his son enter the room, he can hear his crutches clicking on the floor. So he sets the two bowls on the table and helps his son get seated. “Chris, do you want cocoa-milk or orange juice this morning?” He asks while, knowing his son, already reaching for the orange juice. “Orange juice is fine, dad.” comes the expected answer from his kid.
“Have you packed your bag, so we can get going after breakfast? We need to leave soon, so we’re both on time.” Buck really doesn’t want to work today. The weather is typical for a Monday morning in February.
His coworkers need to be kept in the believe that Buck is a young and energetic man, that has had many hookups over the weekend. It used to be easy to play the ‘Buck1.0’ part, but lately, he hasn’t had the energy for it. Though he guesses it’s easier than to reveal the reality that is his life.
“Yes, it’s in my bedroom.” replies Chris to his previous question. “I’ll grab it before we leave”. “Thank you, Bud.” Buck is so glad his son isn’t making it hard on him today. Not that Chris could ever annoy Buck or do something wrong, just by not being the perfect and obedient child. But lately, given their situation, there have been days that neither Buck nor Chris were in the mood to leave the house. Chris expressed his mood by doing nothing without Buck having to tell him to. So Buck is glad today is not that kind of day.
They get seated in the jeep and Buck starts their ‘Eddie isn’t here, we can finally listen to good music’ – playlist and starts the car.
The drive is quiet, except for Bucks low humming along the music, until Christ starts talking with a wavering voice, “Dad, when is Daddy coming home? I really miss him.”. Oh god, what is Buck supposed to tell his child, when he doesn’t even know the answer for that million-dollar question. So he goes for the truth and hopes Chris doesn’t blame him for the lack of information.
“I don’t know buddy, I wish I did. But we should be able to have a videochat with him in the upcoming days.” Buck really hopes that’s the case. Even though the quality is really bad, he needs to see his husbands face, safe and without any new wounds or scars.
Buck gets no reply, which is understandable. He’s just glad, that they haven’t entered the crying-stage, because he’s not sure he could resist joining in on the break down.
Buck turns the steering wheel of the jeep into the parking lot of Chris’ school. He puts his car in park and looks at his son trough the rearview mirror. The sight that presents itself, has Bucks heart in pieces.
Sitting in the backseat, with backpack already in hand, is his son with the most heartbreaking facial expression known to man. Behind the red glasses, Buck can make out the bright blue eyes with the kind of heaviness, that shouldn’t be on a face owned by a young child.
Chris has been through more than the average 6-year-old and today, that shows. Buck kind of hopes none of the teachers will notice, even though that’s kind of unlikely, since it’s their job. Most of Chris’ teachers know their situation and that one of two parents isn’t home right now. Maybe they’ll be able to upbring his mood.
After stepping out of the car, Buck opens Chris’ door and starts unbuckling him. With teamwork they manage to get Chris, along with his dinosaur backpack, out if the vehicle within seconds.
Hand in Hand, Buck carrying Chris’ crutches, they walk across the pavement towards the school building.
“Will you pick me up after school?” asks Chris while coming to a stop. Buck crouches down to be on eyelevel with the kid. “No superman, I’ll be working. But Carla will be there to pick you up, is that alright?” Buck loves his job, but the hours can be a nightmare, especially, when you’re a parent without your second half by your side.
“Okay, dad. Can we watch a movie tonight?” that’s his kid, always trying to charm buck into movie night with that grin of his.
“Of course kid, I’ll be home around 8pm, alright? Have a good day, buddy.” Buck says reluctantly, while hugging his kid goodbye and pushing Chris inside the building. “Bye, dad.”.
As Buck walks up to the loft stairs, his colleagues coming into view, he can already smell coffee.
“Hey Buck, coffee’s on the counter and cap made breakfast. I now you’re trying to build muscles, but please leave some for the rest of us.” greets Chimney.
“Chim, leave him alone, he can eat as much as he wants.” Cap has been defending Buck more and more these last few weeks, noticing the lack of chippy comebacks. Buck is really glad Cap knows and is on his side.
So Buck walks over to the counter, grabs some coffee but doesn’t touch any of the food due to lack of appetite. Buck sits down on the couch and watches whatever is on TV already, not bothering switching the channel to something more interesting. Instead he quietly drinks his lukewarm coffee and tries to shut his mind by blurring everything around him.
A dip on the couch is the reason, he gets out of his headspace. Sitting down next to him is Hen, with a sandwich in hand. “Here, I brought this over for you, we don’t want you to get too skinny.” says Hen, trying to cheer Buck up.
Buck guesses he isn’t doing the best job hiding his emotions today, but he is too tired to care. “Thanks Hen, I appreciate it.”.
Buck can’t wait for this shift to end. It has been a long day, and not because they had so many calls, but the opposite. He has been spending the day either in the bunkroom or on the couch, not being able to sleep or stop worrying about his husband being at war.
Hen and Chim have been trying to cheer him up in many ways, none of them have worked. Right now, Buck is laying in his bunk as his phone starts to vibrate with an incoming call. Buck’s immediately alarmed. The only contacts that are never on mute, are Carla, Eddie, Pepa and Abuela. And Maddie, but Buck doubts that she’s going to call him any time soon.
Finally looking at the caller ID, Buck discovers that it’s the former, Carla, calling him. He rushes to pick up the phone and presses it against the side of his head.
“Carla? Is everything alright? Is Chris fine?” Buck is a little frantic, since Carla only calls, when it’s urgent. “Yes honey, Chris is fine. But my sister has an emergency and I need to get to her, could I bring Chris to the station? I already called Abuela and Pepa, neither have the capacity to take care of Chris.” Carla answers with a steady voice, always trying to calm Buck down. “Let me ask Bobby. Is your sister alright? I could ask to leave, so you can get to her faster.”
“My sister is fine, she just needs my help with something. I have enough time to bring Chris to the station.”.
Honestly, Buck expects Bobby to allow Chris coming here, but he has always tried to avoid his kid being at the station, since his colleagues don’t know Buck has a child, a family.
“Alright, thank you Carla, I’ll talk to Bobby. You can already start driving, I know he’ll say yes. If not, I’ll say I’m sick and take Chris home.” Buck ends the call and walks out of the bunkroom and heads towards Bobbys office. He knocks on the door and enters after Bobby answers the knock with an “Come in”.
“Hey Bobby, Christophers caregiver has an emergency and I have no other option to provide Chris care other than bringing them to the station. I know it’s inconvenient-“
“it’s fine Buck, Christopher is always welcome and since we only have three hours left, he can stay till the end of shift.” interrupts Bobby.
Buck has always appreciated Bobby for not only being a great captain but also a great human being.
“Thanks Bobby, I’ll explain it to Hen and Chim as soon as they wake up and come to the loft.” with that, Buck leaves Bobby’s office and settles in on the couch in the loft. From there he’ll here Carla and Chris easily.
Hen is the first to find Buck. Buck braces himself and goes over the speech he has been practicing for the last 10 minutes. Hen sits down beside him, going by the look on her face, she already knows that something is going on.
“Hey Hen, can I talk to you for a minute?” Buck wrings his fingers, but not because he’s scared of her reaction to his family, but more uneasy and nervous about being pressured into telling his colleagues, instead of doing it on his own terms. Chris will be here soon though and he doesn’t want to do this in front of his kid.
“Sure Buck, what’s got you so jittery?” Hen asks, immediately giving Buck her full attention.
“I haven’t been very honest about my life to you guys. I mean cap knows, obviously, but my private life has been really hard on me lately, which is why I haven’t told you guys all about it. But now I have to tell you, because my kid will be here soon and my husband hasn’t talked to me in a week and that could literally mean he’s dead and-“ Buck is rambling, he hears it himself, but he can’t stop himself.
“Woah, woah, woah, what do you mean husband and kid, and dead? You have to go slower so I can wrap my head around this.” Hen cuts off his spiraling, which he is thankful for, but now he has to go all over it again.
“I’m sorry, yeah I have a kid-“ footsteps coming from the bay interrupt Buck once again. Though this time Buck doesn’t start speaking again, instead he stands up to look over the railing.
Standing there, in the middle of the station, is Carla, Christopher and “Eddie?” Buck can only breathe his husbands name. Chills run down his spine and tears well up in his eyes once again. Before he realizes he’s doing it, Buck runs down the stairs, almost falling over.
“Eddie!”
Eddie’s very familiar brown eyes meet Buck’s blues. Buck can tell so many emotions from them it’s almost ridiculous, even from afar. But Buck can’t think about that at the moment, the only thing he can concentrate on, is sprinting across the firehouse without falling to the ground. Instead he finally falls into Eddie’s arms, which wrap around him immediately.
“Eddie.” Buck breathes into his husbands neck and inhales the scent he has missed so much the last months. He can feel tears run down his cheeks and onto Eddie’s uniform.
“Buck.” Eddie whispers right back into Buck’s hair and hugs him tighter.
Leaning back a little bit, though still in Eddie’s arms, Buck looks at his husband and really takes him in. He, again, gotten a little bit skinnier, but not too drastic. Nothing Buck can’t fix with a little coddling.
Also he sees a few bruises on his arms and an old one on the forehead.
Before he can admire and take his husband in any longer, he gets interrupted by Chimney. “Noo,”, Chimney whines “You’re supposed to be single with me, except for the ‘occasional’ hookup”. Buck can’t even begin to feel sorry for lying, because his husband is standing in front of him, in his arms.
“Hookup?” Eddie asks in a confused, low voice. Buck can hear an ounce of amusement in the word, given their, relatively, long marriage, they both know they would never cheat on one another.
Still, Buck can only react by ducking his head to avoid eye contact with his husband. Two fingers under his chin force his head back up, so he has no choice but to look at Eddies face sheepishly.
“Oh, baby” Eddie whispers, already knowing everything, without having Buck explain it to him. That is the most scary and fascinating aspect of their dynamic. They understand each other without needing an explanation.
“What is happening here?” Hen asks into the space, eyeing Chris, Eddie and Buck.
“This is Eddie Díaz, new recruit and Buck’s husband. Coming home from Afghanistan to his family and his new life.”
Eddie extracts himself from Buck’s clinging arms to stand in front of Bobby, shoulders squared, offering his hand. “Thank you, sir.”
Bobby takes the offered hand “Welcome to the team, call me Bobby.”
“What?!?”, Buck blurts out. “Eddie, what is going on?”.
“Surprise?” Eddie shakes his hands at his sides in a ‘Surprise!’ kind of way.
“Again, what is going on?” Hen exclaims behind Bobby. Eyes wide, confusion clear on her face. Chimney, shocked as well, now standing next to her, is nodding his head in emphasis.
“Daddy’s staying!” Chris squeals, reminding everyone of his presence.
Buck is so overwhelmed. Realization and confusion messing with his head, making his eyes well with tears and his throat close.
Bobby, noticing Buck’s state, walks away, making a hand motion so everyone follows him up the stairs. He grabs a glass of water, pushes it in Bucks hand and him on the couch. Everyone gathers around, Eddie and Chris sitting next to Buck on one couch, Bobby and Carla each on an armchair, Chimney and Hen sharing the last couch, the closest to the stairs.
Buck can’t comprehend what’s happening, different social lives colliding, unannounced, is messing with his head.
After a minute of silence his head finally clears. He takes the situation, turns it over in his head and sorts everything out.
“Hen, Chim, this Eddie, my husband, and Christopher, our kid. Eddie has been deployed for three months. Chris and I have been getting help by Carla”,
Buck points at her, even though he’s sure everyone knows who he’s talking about. He kind of just needs to do something with his hand.
“She takes care of Chris when Eddie and I are working.”
“Why didn’t you tell us? We could’ve helped you with babysitting or organize playdates with Denny.” Hen asks, not mad but more hurt in a way Buck can’t explain. It’s more like she isn’t hurt because of Buck, but more for him. Like she can’t even fathom the pain he has been in for the last few months.
“It was too hard to talk about, I talk so much about feelings and stuff with Chris, Eddie and Carla, I just needed it to be different at work. You helped me by creating Buck 1.0, the role I could slip in to avoid reality.”
“Oh Buck, I would say I’m sorry for not knowing what was going on, but apparently that was the best thing I could do for you” Chim says, already back to his snippy comments, which Buck is welcoming.
“Oh baby, I had no idea they didn’t know. I wouldn’t have surprised you like that if I had. I just assumed with your captain knowing, that your colleagues would too.” Eddie turns Buck’s head with a hand on his left cheek, so they can look each other in the eye.
“It’s fine they had to find out eventually. Just explain to me what cap meant when he said ‘new recruit’”?
“In two months I’m going to start working here as a probationary firefighter, kind of. I haven’t gone to the academy yet, but since I’ve been to the military, I’m allowed to start working while I’m learning how to be a firefighter. In the upcoming two months I won’t be working, I’ll learn the basics of firefighting. After that I’ll have to start working, since your income won’t be enough to support 3 people, plus Chris’ PT.”
Buck is overwhelmed again, but in the good kind of way. He can’t believe his husband is home, permanently, and that they’ll be working side by side.
He can’t even put his happiness in words, so he just kisses Eddie. They can’t linger, even though they both want to, since the team and their child is watching them.
Cap is the next to say something, “Come on now, take your family home. We’ll finish up here”.
“Thanks, Bobby.” Buck knows the other man can tell, that he’s not only thanking him for letting him go early, but also for bringing his husband home.
“Sure thing kid.”.
After getting Chris to bed and reading him a story. Buck and Eddie find themselves on the couch, lying on top of one another. Buck finally being able to feel his partners weight on top of him.
“We’ve missed you so much. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about you coming home.” Buck breaks the silence. Since they got home, they were able to settle into the situation. Build up tension falling from their shoulders like bricks being pulled to the ground by gravity.
“Where would have been the fun in that?” Eddie whispers against his mouth and gives Buck a peck on the nose.
“You’re such a tease.” Buck grins at his husband and closes his eyes to just breathe Eddie in.
After just laying there together, Buck sits up and takes Eddie with him.
“Noo, what are you doing?” Eddie all but slurs.
“I’m taking you to bed, come on. After sleeping on bunk beds for months I can finally take you to our big, fluffy and warm bed. You’ll thank me tomorrow, so up we go.”
Eddie lets himself fall into Bucks arms, who takes the weight easily and all but carries him to bed.
Buck decides they can brush teeth in the morning and lets Eddie fall right into bed. Already dressed in their pajamas, they snuggle up and fall into the deepest sleep since they got separated.
Buck wakes up by being kissed all over the face, which makes a grin spread across his face. But when he tries to kiss Eddies mouth, he feels Eddie pull away.
“Hey, what are you doing, I have been waiting months for this.” Buck exclaims.
“I don’t recall brushing my teeth last night, so the making out has to wait. And believe me, we won’t be doing anything else after bringing Chris to school.”
Eddie answers in his deep, sleepy morning voice, which indicates that he must have just woke up either.
“Alright, but me saying that I love you and that I have missed you, doesn’t have to wait, right? Because I do Eddie, so much.” Buck tells the man he fell in love with so deeply.
“I love you too, baby.” With that, Eddie does kiss him on the mouth, which Buck is welcoming, because if Eddie wouldn’t have kissed him first, Buck would have.
Finally the missing piece in his life, slots itself right were it belongs. Into Bucks heart and soul.