Chapter Text
The first time it had happened had been after a particularly bad airport arrival.
It was early, the sun hadn’t even risen yet. And yet, when they arrived, the people were as awake and active as if it was the middle of the day. They were loud. So loud. And there were flashes everywhere.
But the crowding was worse. Security tried, but they struggled to create space for them. By now Yeosang had been grabbed multiple times. But security had always pushed the grabber away within a couple seconds. Still, they were pushed around left and right. Staying on their feet was hard. If it wasn't for Yunho, whose jacket he had grabbed, Yeosang would have fallen multiple times by now. He tried to look around, spot the other members. Behind him was Wooyoung, the dancer looking incredibly annoyed. He too had decided to hold on to the nearest member, which happened to be Yeosang. He was the one in the very back of the group. The only other person Yeosang could see was Seonghwa. He was in front of Yunho, holding the taller one's hand as he tried to make his way through the crowd. They must have gotten separated from the others. But Hongjoong was with them, they would be fine.
A particularly hard shove of the crowd caused both Wooyoung and Yeosang to lose their footing. Wooyoung fell first, pulling Yeosang down with him accidentally. His fingers slipped from Yunho’s jacket, who immediately turned around and attempted to help them. But they had already been pushed along again. Without hesitation Wooyoung pulled Yeosang close, shielding him as security worked to get them back on their feet. He shot Yeosang a worried and apologetic look. The other just shook his head, assuring Wooyoung he was fine. After a couple seconds both were pulled back to their feet.
By the time they had made it to the car Yeosang felt utterly exhausted. Today they would all be taking the same van back to the dorms, so at least now he knew everyone else was fine. When he got into the van, sitting down next to Yunho in the back, he felt like he was going to fall asleep then and there. When the door shut it suddenly felt like a huge pressure had been lifted off his head. With a sigh he leaned his head on the window.
“Hey, are you okay?”
He turned his head, looking at his friend. He could tell Yunho was feeling a little guilty.
“I'm okay, Yu. Woo pulled me close immediately. Both of us were just shoved pretty hard, but we weren't injured. Don't beat yourself up, alright? None of this was our fault, especially not yours.”
He smiled softly as Yunho nodded, even if the other didn't look convinced. But he'd come around. They all just needed some rest.
“That was absolute madness!”
It was San who had spoken up. He was currently cuddling Mingi, the boy looking incredibly small curled up in San’s arms. Hums of agreement joined him from every side.
“Is everyone okay?” Hongjoong asked. More hums. They were just tired.
“We have today off. How about we all meet up in one dorm, eat breakfast together and just calm down from this? That was a lot to go through, we could all benefit from being with each other right now.” Seonghwa suggested.
“That's a good idea! I'll make us pancakes.” Wooyoung said immediately. Again, the rest just hummed.
As they started to chat about anything and everything, trying to get their minds off of what just happened, Yeosang simply sat and listened. Or at least tried to. He was resting his head against Yunho now, the other having also grabbed his hand, now absentmindedly stroking his thumb over Yeosang's hand. Yeosang looked down at their hands. Had they always been so far away? He moved to look at his other hand. They felt weird. Like something wasn't quite right. Yunho's thumb was a grounding touch right now. Yeosang kept staring at their hands. The movement was almost hypnotizing. He didn't even realize they arrived until Yunho nudged him.
“Let's go upstairs.”
Yeosang nodded, letting the dancer pull him out of the van and gently drag him upstairs. Yeosang just followed. They kicked off their shoes and only then Yunho let go, wanting to take a shower. The rest dispersed. Yeosang sat on the couch, Jongho and San joining him. He vaguely noticed Hongjoong taking the armchair, while Mingi and Seonghwa decided to sit on the ground by the couch, Seonghwa close enough he could lean on Yeosang's legs. Again, he looked at his hands. Were they his hands? They looked so weird. And far away. But they moved when he told his hands to move. So they must be his, right? But… they didn't feel like it. He flexed them again. They had to be his. What about his feet? They too seemed weird. Now that he thought about it, his whole body felt weird. He was in his own body, right? He looked up. Why was everything so far away? They seemed to be talking. He heard them. What were they saying? Were they speaking Korean? Back to his hands. Still weird, but still his. What was happening? A panic attack? No, that would mean he would be panicking. But he was fine. A bit numb, but that wasn't bad, was it? Was he dreaming? No, he didn't think he was. Maybe he should distract himself. Where was his phone? Oh, on the table in front of him. Well, more in front of Hongjoong. So far away. Too much effort. He was comfortable like this. He should ask Hongjoong to hand it to him. He should. He really should. He wanted to. Why was there no noise coming from him? He really wanted to ask. But his mouth wasn't cooperating. He could move his hands just fine, why couldn't he talk? He was flexing his hands again. Yep, still his.
Suddenly, a hand started waving in front of his eyes. That should have startled him, right? Why didn't it startle him? He glanced at the owner of the hand, noticing the oldest giving him a concerned look. His mouth was moving. He heard it, Seonghwa had definitely said something. What had he said? Oh, he was asked if he was fine. Was he?
“I… I think so? I don't know?”
Very eloquent, Yeosang. But at least he could still talk. That was good to know. Why couldn't he before? Seonghwa only grew more concerned. He sat on his knees in front of Yeosang and took his hands. Again, something had been said. What was it? Ah! What was happening?
“I'm not sure… I feel weird.”
When did talking become so hard?
“Can you explain?”
Oh, now he could understand Seonghwa better. His body wasn't his own. He needed to say it. Tell Seonghwa. Maybe he could help. His hands weren't his own.
“I don't know… just weird.”
That was not what he wanted to say. Why? Now the older seemed even more concerned, if that was even possible. He felt a hand touch his forehead. Seonghwa was still holding his hands. Who had touched him? It came from his left… Hongjoong?
“No fever. Yeosang, are you able to explain more? Headache, dizziness, anything?”
Definitely Hongjoong then. His hands felt weird. His body wasn't his. Just tell them. They're trying to help.
“I… I really don't know. Just weird. Wrong.”
God he felt exhausted. He wasn't doing anything, where was this suddenly coming from?
“Maybe you're just tired. You should try to get some rest, maybe take a nap.” San, on his right, suggested. Yeosang just nodded. A nap sounded good. He should go to his room. Just stand up, and walk to his room. His body wasn't moving. Again? But everything was starting to become a bit clearer now. He was so exhausted. Oh, now he was moving? Wait no, he was being pushed down. Pushed down to lay in San’s lap. A blanket was also draped over him. Wait, he couldn't fall asleep yet. He hadn't eaten yet and Wooyoung was making pancakes. But now San was running his hand through his hair. It felt heavenly. He couldn't fight it anymore. Before he could even try to move again he was out like a light.
That had been odd.
After they had gotten out of the car, Yunho had pulled Seonghwa aside.
“Hyung, keep an eye on Yeo. He was barely moving the entire car ride. He just kept staring at his hands. I had tried to ask him something, but he seemed too lost in his own world to notice.”
Seonghwa frowned at hearing that.
“I will. You go take a shower, I'll make sure to keep an eye on him.”
He gave Yunho a brief hug before moving back to the living room. Since San and Jongho had already sat down on the couch with Yeosang, he sat in front of it, close enough to keep an eye on the younger. Yunho had been right, something was up. Yeosang had always been quiet, but now it just seemed wrong. He noticed how he would stare at his hands, flexing them again and again. How he took in his own body, seemingly confused. How he looked around the room, eyes unfocused. Back to his hands. Something was up. He had tried to involve him in the conversation, but as Yunho had said, Yeosang didn't seem to hear them. Only when Seonghwa waved his hand in front of him did Yeosang react.
“Are you okay?”
A couple seconds passed. Yeosang seemed to process what Seonghwa had asked.
“I… I think so? I don't know?”
Okay that was more than odd. He turned his full attention towards him, now sitting on his knees.
“What's happening?”
Again, silence. And again, only an answer after a couple seconds. By now the others had also turned their attention towards them.
“I'm not sure… I feel weird.”
Weird? That wasn't very specific. Was Yeosang about to pass out? He certainly seemed like it.
“Can you explain?”
That question seemed to register faster. But the answer wasn't satisfactory at all.
“I don't know… just weird.”
Now Hongjoong leaned over, placing his hand on Yeosang's forehead.
“No fever. Yeosang, are you able to explain more? Headache, dizziness, anything?”
He seemed to think for a moment.
“I… I really don't know. Just weird. Wrong.”
And suddenly the younger looked incredibly tired. Seonghwa only grew more concerned by the second. His behavior was more than odd.
“Maybe you're just tired. You should try to get some rest, maybe take a nap.”
San had offered this explanation. Yeosang certainly was exhausted. They all were. But was that really an explanation?
When Yeosang only nodded, but made no move to go take a nap, San simply pulled him down. Gently. Yeosang seemed confused by the movement, but with a blanket draped over him and San running his hand through his hair, he was soon out like a light.
“That was weird. And concerning.”
Hongjoong sighed heavily. Seonghwa could only agree.
“Yunho asked me to keep an eye on him. Apparently it started in the car. Maybe it was caused by the incident at the airport?”
Hongjoong hummed, lost in thought. Jongho had just silently watched everything with a frown. And Mingi? He seemed to think about something. But before Seonghwa could ask what he was thinking, Yunho came back.
“Did he fall asleep?”
“He did. He was behaving even weirder before he did.”
When Wooyoung brought the pancakes a few minutes later, Seonghwa explained what had happened. As expected, both Yunho and Wooyoung were concerned.
“He's never done that before. Not even as trainees,” Wooyoung explained, “Should we wake him? He needs to eat.”
Seonghwa sighed and nodded. He gently shook the younger boy.
“Yeo? Sangie… wake up. Pancakes are ready.”
He watched as the other began to stir and then open his eyes, hoping that this short nap had been enough to snap Yeosang out of it.
When he woke up again the first thing he noticed was his hands belonging to him again. He slowly sat up, noticing Seongwha’s worried eyes following him.
“I'm myself again. I think. I still feel a little off, but definitely more like myself than before.” he explained quickly. They all let out a sigh of relief.
“Can you tell us what happened?” Hongjoong tried again. Yeosang nodded.
“It was weird. My hands weren't feeling like they belonged to me. Actually, my whole body didn't. My head felt completely clear, but reacting was hard. Talking and moving was hard. I remember wanting to ask for my phone, but I couldn't get myself to talk. When San suggested the nap, I couldn't stand up. And I couldn't understand what you were saying. Or, well, it was at least very delayed. I heard you just fine, but it felt like a different language. And when you asked if I'm fine, I wanted to tell you all this, but nothing came out. I… don't know what that was. That never happened before.”
While that definitely didn't help with their concern, at least they now had an explanation of what had happened.
“Alright. I'm glad you're back with us. This might have been a one-time thing, but we should definitely watch out for it happening again. The moment you start to feel off again you tell one of us, alright?”
Hongjoong looked at Yeosang, waiting for an answer. The younger nodded.
“I will. I will try to.”
Satisfied by that answer, Hongjoong finally turned towards the food.
“Okay, then let's eat for now!”
With that, everyone began to dig in.
By the time it happened again, they had all already forgotten about the incident. For the first couple weeks afterwards everyone had been keeping a close eye on Yeosang. They kept asking if anything felt off. And whenever he seemed to be spacing out they made sure to poke him or get his attention to check if he was okay. He knew it had been simply out of worry, but frankly, it had annoyed him. And he had told them exactly that, so they started doing it less and less. By now it had been a couple of months and even Yeosang had almost forgotten about it.
Today was a big day. They were currently sitting at the GDA, or the Golden Disc Awards. The group had already performed, so everyone was a bit tired. But Yeosang, he felt dead on his feet. By now he had been up for way too long. He forgot to count the hours, but he had worked through one night at least. Had it been 34 hours? 40? A long time at least. And he hadn't eaten since the morning either, maybe a snack here and there. Safe to say, it was all getting a bit much. The hall was so loud, which was to be expected, given how many people there were.
He was sitting next to San, who, like him, seemed happy to just watch the others right now. They had been given a drawing pad and pens. Currently it was in Yunho's hands, who seemed very focused on drawing a posing Mingi. Yeosang chuckled when he noticed, already knowing that it would turn out to look nothing like their friend. Though, when he blinked, he noticed everything feeling off again.
It had snuck up on him. He checked his hands. Seriously, again? So it probably wasn't a one-time thing. He sighed softly. He needed to tell someone. The most logical choice was San. Yeosang looked over at him. What was he supposed to say? What was happening didn't have a name. But wait, maybe it was just a weird feeling. He'd probably just need to sit it out. No need to involve San. He would definitely involve him if it didn't get any better within the next couple minutes. But right now he just needed to wait.
“And now to announce the winner of ‘Best Album’!”
Yeosang looked up at the hosts on stage in anticipation. They hadn't gotten an award yet. Maybe they would now? God, the stage lights were so bright.
“The winner of ‘Best Album’ is… ATEEZ!”
The hall erupted in cheers, startling Yeosang badly. He flinched hard and got up, earning a very amused look from San. As they started moving he did his best to follow his friend. As soon as they stepped on stage he was sure something was wrong. Again. He focused hard to appear normal. All eyes were on them. He couldn't worry Atiny. He forced himself to participate in the greeting. To look happy. To inspect the award that had been handed to him at some point. When had they handed him the award? And he made a point to stay away from the microphone. Luckily, nobody forced him to say anything. Where was San? He needed San.
Oh they were moving off the stage. He felt himself get dragged along, following the back of the person closest to him, without actually checking who it was. Only when an amused San collected him did he realize he had been following a staff member. Well, that was embarrassing. But he didn't have time to be embarrassed. Where was the award? Oh, Jongho was holding it. When did that happen?
Wait, he had been looking for San. And now he was here. He couldn't lose him again. Yeosang grabbed San’s arm, practically hugging it to his chest. He didn't notice the confused look San had sent him. Everything felt wrong. So wrong. Only San felt okay. He briefly panicked when he thought San was pulling his arm away, only to realize the other was simply dragging him along now. And once they sat down on one of the small couches, Yeosang clung to his side. He didn't care that everyone was watching. That people would definitely use this to fuel their ships. He needed San right now. And given how San wrapped an arm around Yeosang, he was sure that San could sense that he needed him right now.
Staying upright was so hard. Yeosang felt cold. San was like a human heater. He snuggled closer to the heat. He felt so sluggish, so weak. Was his body finally giving out on him? He kind of hoped so. If he passed out now, he at least had a valid reason to feel so bad. Wait, where did that come from? That was crap and he knew it. But still, he wished he could just pass out. Escape from this. It was so different from last time. He was so anxious.
He vaguely noticed himself being unable to hold still. Smoothing his hand over his shirt, touching a small spot of makeup on his sleeve, fiddling with San’s clothes, sitting up differently, moving down again, moving his hands- no, stop moving, you're surely annoying San. His eyes darted around the place. This was wrong. So wrong. He needed to get out. Get out now. Get up, move, say something, get out, get out- San’s hand on his cheek abruptly stopped the spiral. Yeosang felt himself panting slightly. As he lifted his eyes, he was met with a feline-looking face, all scrunched up in worry. Huh, he looked like San. Wait, that was San. And he was talking. Well, his mouth was moving. Yeosang didn't understand a single thing. He only watched San’s face grow even more worried before the other sat up straight again to seemingly look for someone.
He was getting up. What- nonono. He couldn't. He couldn't leave Yeosang. He held on tightly to San’s hand, who abruptly stopped. Then he felt himself get pulled to his feet. That was bad, he was gonna- oh. He was fine. He could stand. And walk. San was dragging him along. To where? Seonghwa. Was it Seonghwa? Yes, definitely. They were moving again. Yeosang only focused on San. He was still holding on. Why was it so quiet now? Where had they gone to? They were sitting down again. San pressed a water bottle into Yeosang's hand. That's a pretty bottle. Why did he have it? What was he supposed to do with it? And uh… where did it go? On the floor. Did he drop it? Why couldn't he just pass out already? Maybe if he closed his eyes…
ugh, who was tapping his cheek now? San, stop it. He just wanted this to be over. With San kneeling in front of him, just leaning forward and resting against him felt irresistible. He moved to do exactly that, but was stopped once again. He felt frustrated. Why couldn't he just simply sleep? There was a second pair of hands on him now. He flinched hard at that. It wasn't San. Why did San let someone else touch him??
“...-sang?”
Who was talking?
“Yeosang?”
That voice… Wooyoung? Woo was okay. He could touch him. Woo was way more cuddly, maybe he would let him rest against- no, he was pushed again. He whined, frustrated.
“I need you to answer me before you sleep.”
But why did he have to answer Woo? He didn't want to. Where was San? Next to him. He just wanted cuddles. It was still so, so cold. And San was so warm. Wait a minute, why was Wooyoung here? Weren't they supposed to be out on the floor, mingling with others? Now that he looked around, everyone was here? How long had it been? He tried to climb into San’s lap. So cold. He needed to get warm. This time, San let him. Held him close. He felt a warm hand against his forehead.
“Joong… h-... warm-...”
What was San saying? Why was it cutting off randomly? Woo was in his face again now. Still trying to get him to say something. He didn't have the strength. He really didn't. Someone tried to tug off his jacket. No- no he was cold. They couldn't. He heard himself whine again and tried to weakly fight the hands on him. A hand on his chin gently tugged his head up. He was looking at the feline face again.
“Sangie? We're just changing you out of your stage outfit. Do you think you can help us?”
He could. Maybe. He could at least stop fighting. He really tried his best to help them as they helped him. But his body was still so heavy. With their help he was changed into a hoodie and sweats. By now he felt a little more present.
“Sorry…”, he felt himself mumble. San stiffened a little.
“Are you back with us?”
Yeosang wasn't sure. He was getting there, that much he knew.
“Slowly… I think?”
“Okay, good. That's good. Look around, can you spot all the members?”
That seemed easy enough.
“I'm sitting in your lap… woo, he's… is that left? Yeah, on our left side. Jongho and Mingi are by the water dispenser. Seonghwa is…”
As he looked around, he felt himself slowly come back to reality. Where was Seonghwa?
“Is he here? I can't see Joong either. Yunho is behind us?”
San hummed softly.
“Good, good. You're right, Hwa and Joong aren't here right now. They went to use the bathroom.”
Yeosang nodded, feeling more present by the minute.
“Why is everyone here? Aren't we supposed to stay on the floor the whole time?”
He didn't miss San’s concerned face.
“Yeosang… how long do you think this whole incident took?”
“Not sure… maybe 20 minutes?”
A brief pause, then a sigh from the back of the couch. Yunho spoke up.
“Yeo, it's been over an hour and a half. The show is over.”
“... What? No, that can't be. Are you… really?”
He was confused. Had it really been that long?
“We're sure. Do you remember what happened?”
Truth to be told, Yeosang remembered barely anything.
“Not really… I really, really needed San. I felt panicked when he wasn't nearby. And that I've been so cold… I remember getting the award, but afterwards everything is kind of blurry. I think we left at one point? We must have,” Yeosang mumbled. San ran a calming hand over Yeosang's arm.
“You really scared the shit out of me. When we came down from the stage you followed a random staff member. At first I thought that was pretty funny, but then you started clinging. You never cling to anyone in public. I thought maybe you were just feeling cuddly, so I let you cuddle up on the couches. And then you wouldn't stop moving. You seemed panicked and were even shaking a little. When I tried to ask what's wrong, you just wouldn't respond. Then you panicked even more when I tried to get Hwa. I took you with me and we decided it was best to get you backstage. That's when I really started to get worried. I gave you a water bottle, but you just stared at it like it was something you've never seen before and then you dropped it. It seemed like you were really close to passing out. I didn't want to let you and kept you awake. That went on for like half an hour before the others started to join us again. No matter what we did, we couldn't get you to snap out of it. The only one who could touch you without you flinching was me. It was… it was scary.” San rambled on, not really thinking about whether Yeosang was able to follow along.
Yeosang listened to all of this with a frown. It had been that bad? San looked like he was close to tears.
“I'm really sorry … I'm back now. You kept me safe, really, thank you.”
He wrapped his arms around San, pulling him into a hug. The other held him tightly. He was still so cold, San’s heat was very welcome. There was another hand on his forehead, by the size of it he immediately knew it was Yunho.
“You still feel warm. I think you overdid it, Yeo,” the other said with a frown.
“I'll be okay… just let me sleep it off,” he mumbled. He was already drifting off. This time they just let him.
When Yeosang had fallen asleep, San let out a deep sigh. Yeosang was sitting in between his legs, his torso twisted so his chest was half against San’s, while his head was tucked under San’s chin. The heat radiating from Yeosang made San feel a little hot. But if it meant that Yeosang was comfortable, he could deal with it. Wooyoung got a blanket for Yeosang.
“He really didn't say anything?” Wooyoung finally asked. San shook his head.
“I had a feeling he wanted to tell me something, but then we were called on stage.”
The younger hummed, worried eyes watching his sleeping friend.
“This was bad. His exhaustion and fever probably made it worse than it would have been. He really shouldn't have stayed up all night to practice the routine. If only the choreographer kept his mouth shut instead of telling Yeosang he was still lacking… He really wasn't.”
San nodded along.
“It was really unnecessary. But what happened, happened. We need to focus on helping Yeo get better now.”
They were interrupted by Seonghwa and Hongjoong returning. The older one immediately went over to them.
“Did he fall asleep?”
“He did,” San said, “but only after he became more lucid again. I made sure of that. He barely remembers what happened this time. And he thought only 20 minutes had passed when he came back around. He's also definitely running a fever…”
Seonghwa sighed heavily.
“He should get this checked. That can't just be a normal stress reaction…”
“Not a normal one, but definitely a stress reaction.”
Mingi had spoken up now.
“Remember when I was dealing with my anxiety I told you guys I sometimes felt a little weird? Like the world wasn't quite what it was supposed to be? My therapist had called it dissociation. Maybe he's dealing with a more extreme form?”
At that suggestion Jongho spoke up.
“That sounds plausible. But why didn't you say anything when it happened the first time?”
Mingi nervously scratched the back of his head.
“I wanted to, but then Woo brought the pancakes and I forgot…”
He looked so embarrassed at that fact that San let out a small chuckle.
“It's okay. But we really need to talk to him about this once he's better.”
“I agree. Let's get him home for now,” Hongjoong chimed in. They all gathered their stuff. San carried Yeosang to the car and later upstairs to his room. The other didn't wake up even once. However, San ended up having to stay the night, since, even in his sleep, Yeosang had a death grip on San’s shirt and simply wouldn't let go. But if that meant more cuddle time with Yeosang, he really couldn't care less.