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Humans are very odd creatures. This is something that I have come to know very, very well during my time with my human, Grace - years spent alone with each other in the vast expanse of space.
Their bodies are liquid held up by a solid structure that breaks under the smallest of pressure changes, blobs with hope at best, not to mention their inability to retain information. I could tell my Grace something 5 times and he could still forget it - Eridians remember very easily, but humans do not.
This is not to mention their inefficient body systems, requiring sleep every 57,600 seconds - 16 Earthen hours - and the need to eat multiple times per day. Ew. Very very very gross, but I accept it. I want Grace to stay healthy, no matter the personal cost to myself.
In recent times though, I have found more oddities about humans - or more specifically my Grace. Humans are very different from Eridians.
Case 1: Popping Sounds
Grace and I worked in the lab one morning, ensuring that the taumoeba population was stable - a necessary component to save my home planet of Erid - by going through the samples and ensuring that they were not dying to the nitrogen in their environments. It was very important and scientific work.
"Rock, we can't just keep blasting them with nitrogen," Grace argued with me. "They'll die eventually. Besides, we don't need them to be that resistant."
"Threeworld higher nitrogen environment," I explained to him. "Need withstand more nitrogen for Threeworld survival."
I hated having to talk like this, more like a pebble than a fully grown Eridian adult, but my Grace's translator wouldn't convert my words properly if I didn't. I didn't have a choice and relented for the sake of communication.
"What nitrogen level does it need to be?" Grace asked me, pulling up the Earth thinking machine to do his work.
"Need be 50 percent nitrogen. Threeworld atmosphere very different Erid atmosphere. Deadly to Eridian," I explained carefully.
We had already discussed how to get the samples into the Threeworld atmosphere, as well as Erid as we passed over it on our way to Threeworld, so that was taken care of. We just needed the sample to be ready.
"50%," Grace repeated, adjusting the knobs and dials near him, typing quickly on the thinking machine as he muttered. "Okay, so we just need to increase the level slowly, like we did before, like maybe 5% a week, give the survivors time to adjust before we blast them with even more and then-"
"Grace ramble, statement," I gently tell him.
I didn't mind his need to go into great detail, more for his own sake than my own. My human had a tendency to mutter to himself most times, but we had big science to do first.
"Oh, my bad," he apologized. "Let's get to work!" He told me before standing up, lacing his hands together and reaching them above his head.
Pop. Pop. Pop.
What the fuck? Why was my Grace cracking and making more noises? That wasn't right. he usually only made odd noises when he was breaking.
"Why Grace pop, question?" I yelled out, splaying my arms out. "Grace hurt, question? Grace break, question?" I asked rapidly, circling his legs as I scanned him for damage - Grace no break on my watch.
"What? No," Grace began, confused and concerned, but not worried about his skeletal figure making noises. "I just cracked my back."
"Crack!" I shouted.
Oh god, my human was broken. He had broken himself just by standing up. I knew humans were fragile, but this was far beyond what I had expected.
"Mary! Mary!" I called, pushing on the back of my Grace's legs, urging him towards the medical treatment area. "Grace hurt, need help. Grace hurt, need help," I explained, worry overtaking me.
"What? Rock, no, I'm fine," Grace tried to tell me, pushing his hands against my ball, preventing me from hitting his legs any further as he knelt down to face me. "It's normal for humans, okay? I'm completely fine."
"Grace no hurt, question?" I asked softly, processing his words. "Grace okay, question?"
"Yeah, I'm fine, Rock," Grace told me gently, placing a hand on top of the ball - as close to my carapace as he could get it.
"Then why crack, question?" I questioned. This was very confusing. Why would he crack if nothing was broken?
"Its… its just the gas pockets in my spine popping, releasing air," he told me with a calmness that was more off putting than anything. "That or its just my muscles moving over my spine."
"Is normal, question?"
"Yeah, buddy. It's normal for humans."
Silence fell between us as I processed the information. What the actual hell were humans?
Honestly, their whole 'our bodies are incredibly inefficient and can fall apart at any moment' scared the shit out of me. Grace was more of a danger to himself than anything else on this ship. Keeping him safe was a job in itself with his constant need to fall or disregard basic safety.
"Humans weird as hell, statement."
"I know, buddy," Grace sighed out, having heard that phrase many times already. "I know."
Case 2: Not a Bone
Working with the taumoeba was time consuming when it came to monitoring the nitrogen levels. Too low and the taumoeba wouldn't be ready for the next stage. Too high and they all died. Keeping the levels in that middle spot was tough, but my Grace and I made it work though careful monitoring.
"Gosh darn it, Rocky! A blue shell? Really?" Grace shouted at me.
"Rocky need win. Grace eat Rocky dust."
"Who taught you that?!?"
Of course, our idea of keeping a close eye on the taumoeba was having Mary keep an eye on the nitrogen levels and updating us as needed while we played a popular Earthen game called Mario Kart - a racing game that Grace sucked at once I got the hang of it.
"Stop it with the shells, Rock!" Grace said to me, leaning his body with the kart on the screen. "You can just pass me, y'know."
"Rocky know," I told him, continuing to make sure that my kart stayed behind him, no matter how far behind we fell, just so that I could keep throwing shells at him every time he began to drive again.
In Earthen terms, as Grace had called me many times, I was a 'rage baiter' that liked to do my best to piss him off. I thought the term was accurate.
"God," Grace sighed out as a whistle on the screen blew, signaling the end of our race.
Grace had ended in 11th place, I ended in 12th. I could not have been happier about the outcome.
"What was the point of that? Did that make you happy? Constantly hitting me with shells," he muttered out to me, not truly angry with me. He never truly was angry with me - we loved each other too much for that.
"Happy happy happy," I told him, clicking my claws together as he stood up.
"You, Rocky, put my students to shame when it comes to rage baiting," Grace informed me, a smirk on his face as he patted my ball. "C'mon, let's go and check on the taumoeba."
Exiting the Don't Go Crazy Room, I followed closely behind Grace, keeping close behind his heels as we moved towards the lab together. It was quiet between us, but not uncomfortably so. I had grown used to the quiet moments, rarities, when Grace would not talk and I wouldn't either - it was just peaceful. Until of course the horrid design of the human body decided to rear it's head.
Taking a turn, heading in the direction of the lab, Grace turned the corner a bit too close, hitting his arm on the doorframe. This was nothing new, he tended to struggle with perception despite having two light sensing organs on his face. This time was different.
One moment, Grace was standing up, hitting his arm on the wall. The next, he was on the floor, cradling his arm.
What the fuck?
"Son of a nutcracker," Grace cursed out, placing a hand over where he hit his arm. "Ow," he whined out, shaking the arm he'd hit lightly.
"What happen, question? Why Grace fall, question?" I asked, rolling to come over in front of him.
"I just hit my funny bone," he groaned in explanation. "Reset my nervous system, ouch."
"Reset, question? How reset system, question?"
"Not literally," he explained to me, continuing to shake his arm out. "I just hit a nerve in my arm and it hurts a bit."
"Why called funny bone if not funny or bone, question?"
"I don't know either, buddy," Grace admitted to me, gently using the wall to stand himself back upright.
"Human naming stupid," I muttered. "Not funny, not bone. Call funny bone. Make sense," I added sarcastically.
Why the hell would they call it a bone if it was a nerve? Why would they call it funny if it caused pain?
I really needed to speak to whoever on Earth was in charge of naming things. Very inefficient system. Very stupid system. Needed fixing immediately.
Case 3: Physical Anxieties
I knew my Grace struggled with keeping himself calm, with not freaking out when his mind raced or a situation didn't go to plan. Some Eridians were the same. Adrian was the same. I did my best to keep him grounded and calm. Despite my best efforts, human anxieties showed themselves in odd ways.
"Grace, hands," I quietly told him, using my ball to push his plush Earth towards him.
"Shoot, thanks, Rock," Grace said softly, pulling his hands apart from each other and picking up the ball, rolling it over in his hands and throwing it between them. "Didn't even notice."
He never did, he never noticed that he was tearing himself apart like it was nothing. Picking at his nails on his hands. Chewing on his lips until they bled. Scratching on his skin until it broke or was raw.
Grace never even knew that he was hurting himself, couldn't sense it. His body needed to release excess energy or his anxieties, so it tore itself apart to make it happen. Grace had no say in the poor designing of that system, he was just forced to deal with the effects of it.
"Is okay," I told him. "Rocky did. Rocky always help Grace."
And I meant it. I would always help my Grace stay safe. Whether that was from whatever we were doing or from his own manifestations of stress or energy, I would help him.
"I appreciate it, bud," Grace said with a smile on his face, unaware that he was chewing on his lips, biting little pieces of them off until they bled and continuing to chew on them still.
I let out a sigh as I weighed my options: I could tell Grace and grab a hoodie for him to chew on or I could find something for him and I to do with the extra energy he had today - showcased by his leg bouncing rapidly, which he was also unaware of. Nothing outside of the usual at the very least.
"Grace want play with ball, question?" I asked him, rolling over to it.
It wasn't my favorite thing to do, but Grace, for some fucking reason, liked to bounce the ball off of my atmospheric ball to play a game of catch. He was the only one catching anything, but I wouldn't be the one to tell him that.
"Yeah!" Grace shouted out, getting up immediately, leaving the plush Earth behind as he grabbed the rubbery ball to throw at me instead.
Minutes passed with his tossing it at me and me having to move the ball slightly to send it back to him, or away from him if I felt like messing with him, but I noticed an immediate change. He wasn't biting his lips, scratching his skin, or peeling off bits of himself. My Grace's energy had been put to good use. I had succeeded.
Humans were weird, that was an undisputed fact, especially my human, my Grace, but that was okay. He may have been odd, but he was mine and I would do what was needed to keep him safe, even if it was keeping himself from his own shitty design.