Chapter Text
“I know I am handsome, but you do not have to stare.” Ilya absolutely loved teasing Luca. The boy usually would blush and sputter. When Ilya came in, he started staring at Ilya, a weird expression on his face. He glanced back and forth between Ilya and his phone looking unsure enough to weird him out. Ilya sighed and watched expectantly hoping he would spit out whatever it was. The boy seemed to make a decision hesitantly passing his phone to Ilya.
“Cap, I think you need to see this.” Ilya raised his eyebrows and glanced around to see several other people watching him. Their gazes burning into his face made him apprehensive. He felt splayed out as he read the pity in their gazes. The moment he saw the screen he knew it was over. His own face mocked him. Him at 17, kissing another man. He barely remembered the night, but his face was clear as day. He felt his stomach drop and cold sweat run down his back. He felt like he might throw up instead he opened the comments trying to keep his face neutral as he scrolled through various reactions. He needed to know what they were saying. Some positive things about what he expected, hate, bigotry. Every word made the nausea worse, but he couldn’t stop.
“Cap maybe don’t read-" It was too late. Ilya breathing was getting more erratic the more he read. He knew he should say something. He should explain and address the video, but he couldn't. His thoughts felt scattered and his feet were frozen to the ground. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Bood and Hayes sharing a glance. He couldn’t tell what it was about. A large part of him felt like they were angry. His hands were shaking so bad that he couldn’t even read the comments anymore.
“Roz take a breath, okay no one’s upset.” Bood moved much too fast while making the mistake of trying to touch him. Ilya jerked back as soon as Bood’s hand grazed his skin. Unfortunately, he was too close to the lockers, the back of his head slamming hard into the lockers. The pain was immediate and didn’t help the fear coursing through him. If anything, it made it worse.
“Fuck Roz. Shit I won’t touch you.” He reached out again but Ilya flinched and he dropped his hand. Ilya's world was spinning and it felt like his stomach contents were about to be all laid out for everyone to see. His heart already was. He moved til his back hit the wall sliding to the floor. His head throbbed in rhythm with his heart. A constant reminder that it was trying to beat out of his chest.
“You gotta calm down though kid. I know this is rough, but everything will be okay. Nobody’s upset” This time the reassurance came from Coach Wiebe. Who Ilya swore hadn’t been here a minute ago. He had crouched down next to Ilya close but not touching. Ilya shook his head at the very obvious lie in that statement. Everything would not be okay, and everyone was going to be upset. His agent had probably already quit along with his accountant. The team would trade him; he was new to the team and already causing a huge scandal. He might have to go back to Russia where Alexei would be waiting.
Ilya could hear it verbatim to his Papa. Alexei would make sure he knew what a disappointment he was if he left him alive long enough. Shane would be devastated or maybe he wouldn't, maybe Shane would be happy.
Ilya’s hands found his hair pulling the strands as he tried to breathe. Ilya had fucked everything up. He had ruined Shane's plan. Shane hated when his plans got messed up. He would be so upset.
The people around him were multiplying. They were trying to talk to him, but it felt like he was underwater. Their voices were muffled, weirdly spaced out. One of the trainers had stepped in front of him trying to help him. She was asking questions Ilya didn’t understand or care to answer. Ilya didn’t need help, he was fine, he just needed to catch his breath. Then he could leave, go back to his house and hide away. He tried to rub the ache in his chest, but it wouldn’t leave.
He was terrified and he wanted Shane. Even if Shane was mad, he’d still talk to Ilya, trying to calm him down. But he didn’t know where his phone was and he couldn’t tell Bood to call him even if he could calm down.
“Rozonov, can you try to focus on me?” The trainer whose name he still did not remember was speaking to him. Fuck this was bad. He felt the eyes of several people watching him. His stomach rolled and he gritted his teeth. Blayt please don’t let him throw up.
He tried to slow down his breathing if only to stop his stomach from revolting. He wanted Shane to hold him. To tell him everything would be okay. Would he come? What if people put it together and Shane was found out. He'd be even more devastated than Ilya and he'd hate Ilya for causing it.
It was okay. He’d be fine. He just needed to get out of here. He tried to get up ignoring the people trying to stop him. Hand grabbed at him which he pushed away muttering something probably in Russian if the confused faces were saying anything.
But his moments were uncoordinated. He had lost his usually graceful footing tipping forward as he stood up too fast. Bright lights and stars flashed in his vision. He really hoped he did not pass out and this was already one of the worst moments of his life. Suddenly he was against a warm chest. Familiar arms wrapped around him, the scent of rain and something uniquely Cliff wrapped around him.
“I got you Rook.” He only fought him for a second thinking it was impossible for him to be here. But no, they had just played Boston. Why was Marlow here? He wasn’t supposed to be in an opposing team's locker rooms. He would get in trouble. He would have told him that, but he was focused on the safety that Marly brought. He wasn’t Shane but he was Ilya's best friend and had been for a long time.