Chapter Text
“And the winner of Survivor 50: in the Hands of the Fans is none other than… Ozzy Lusth!!!” Jeff Probst announced, baring his unnaturally white teeth in excitement.
The entire jury minus Aubry leaped up, happy that the contestant they voted for finally won it all after four seasons of coming so close. Even Cirie and Rizo, who were the other two finalists at Final Tribal Council, were beaming because their beloved Ozzy won Survivor.
For the entire 26 grueling days spent on Fiji, the alliance that came to be affectionately known as “Cirie’s Rizard of Oz” remained intact, and Cirie and Rizo even dedicated their Final Tribal Speeches to Ozzy and why the jury should vote for him. Deep down in their hearts, Cirie and Rizo knew that if Ozzy tried to advocate himself to be the winner on his own, he would find a way to blow it and somehow downplay his historic season. Not only did Ozzy actually manage to have a social game this season, but he also beat Boston Rob’s individual immunity record, creating an extremely impressive resume for himself.
And both Cirie and Rizo came to terms that they were okay not winning the (two) million dollar prize. After all, Cirie already achieved her Survivor goals by getting off the couch to play, and Rizo was just happy he got to represent the entire country of Albania and have the 6 or 7 million people who watch the show call him the Man, the Myth, the Legend, R-i-z-g-o-d, RizGod baby!
It turns out the horrific day 21 of Survivor that broke America’s heart was just ANOTHER dream of Ozzy’s and he actually did end up playing his idol at tribal council! In the end, it was Aubry who went home because she wasn’t cut from the same cloth as the alpha males who eliminated her, although many fans cited the true reason for her elimination being that she got Mitched and never made her big move.
In the days that followed Aubry’s exit, Tiffany was sadly eliminated after people found her too much of a threat for being both hot and a challenge beast. Then Joe and Devens were both medically evacuated because Devens attacked Joe after he called him the lesser newscaster of Season 50, (which it came out later was the result of Devens taunting Joe by whistling a tune he called “Got Fun Betrale.”) That left only Jonathon, Cirie, Rizo, and Ozzy as the final four. Ozzy won the last individual immunity of the season, officially breaking the Boston Rob’s monumental record, and the Jungle Boy chose to send Rizo and Jonathon to firemaking. Jonathan got cocky and instead of practicing how to make fire, he instead spent his time fantasizing about Dee’s toes and wondering how to win her jury vote after he betrayed her. Meanwhile, Rizo was determined to represent his Albanian heritage and win firemaking after he failed in the same stage barely even a month ago. The Man, the Myth, the Legend, R-i-z-g-o-d, Rizgod Baby outmanned Jonathon and created fire in a record breaking 67 seconds, leaving Jonathon sent to be the final jury member.
“I’d like to thank everybody who made this possible,” a tearful Ozzy wept, gesturing to the camera. “First and foremost, my VERY hot ex, Amanda Kimmel. I truly believe that my win wouldn’t have been possible without your last-minute withdrawal. But enough about you, let’s get to the more important people who were essential to my success.”
Ozzy paused for a moment to let the dramatic tension sink in. Cirie and Rizo sat on the edge of their seats, expecting to be the next ones thanked in Ozzy’s speech.
“Next, I’d like to thank Belly Eyelash- oops, I mean BILLIE EILISH- for having the ingenious idea to create a boomerang idol!!! Without her help, I likely would have never had an idol in the game and wouldn’t have had the opportunity to scare my fans into thinking I would’ve pulled a Micronesia 2.0 every time my name was thrown out-”
“You know, Ozzy, it’s not really required of you to make a speech…” Jeff interrupted, annoyance obviously written on his face.
“Jeff, I’m almost done! I swear!” Ozzy pleaded before continuing.
“Most importantly, I’d like to thank my OnlyFans account and the 40,000 people who liked my content there. Without you guys, my self-esteem would’ve been at an all time low and I hope that my dih has inspired you all as much as you guys have inspired me.”
A collective aww rang out from the jurors and other people in attendance.
“You know,” Ozzy continued, “I’ve never won one of these things before and when I think about how many people wanted this…”
Ozzy gestured to his newly won 2 million dollars tucked into an open briefcase.
“...And how many people cried over it and stuff. I mean, I think everybody looks like a winner tonight….Look at Dee. That dress is amazing!”
Dee let out a nervous giggle and gave a wave as the camera panned to her wearing a VERY low cut skin tight red dress.
“And Mike White. I mean, that hairdo must have taken HOURS and you look really pretty.”
Mike greeted the camera with a deep belly laugh that caused a ripple in his 6 pack abs and gestured to his nearly bald head.
With that, Ozzy took a deep breath, preparing himself for the next words to come out of his mouth: “So, why is everybody stressing over this thing? I mean, it’s just money. We should really just…”
Ozzy reached into the briefcase containing his winnings and grabbed a fat handful of cash.
“...Share it. A piece for Cirie Fields, my fellow finalist this season. A piece for the Man, the Myth, the Legend, the R-i-z-g-o-d, RizGod baby!”
Rizo beamed at his full name being used by one of his 67 survivor heroes.
“Seriously, Ozzy, most people just take the money and go…” Jeff muttered.
“And a piece for Kyle Fraser,” Ozzy continued, ignoring Jeff. “He ruptured his achilles and he still looks like a rock star.”
Ozzy tossed a fistful of his earnings to Kyle who barely managed to catch it.
“And,” Ozzy finished. “Some for everybody else.”
The Jungle Boy dispersed his money to his fellow contestants until there was only a modest share left for himself.
Jeff Probst looked around and gazed with happy tears in his eyes at the grinning contestants and the community he had fostered in Survivor 50: in the Hands on the Fans.
“And that, my friends, is how you do it on Survivor.”