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In the bookshop, which had become the whole universe to everyone, not just to an angel and a former demon, more particularly, in a garden, the only two beings outside of God and Satan stand beneath an apple tree. God gave them privacy to discuss their final and only wish. One they can’t even be certain She will entertain.
Aziraphale’s heart is calmer than he expected it to be. Perhaps because he’s in what’s left of his home, his bookshop. Perhaps because he has Crowley in front of him. Perhaps because the grandfather clock stopped ticking, and in its place, the melancholy song of a nightingale is filling the silence.
“So, what do you want?” the angel asked, stepping towards his companion.
“Me? Why me?”
Aziraphale didn’t waiver at Crowley’s response, putting on his most brave face to finally tell the truth.
“Because I only want one thing, and that’s not what this is about anymore.”
I have only ever wanted you, Crowley, and to do what is right by humanity. And I cannot have you in the way that we both deserve.
“What do you want, Crowley?” Aziraphale stepped closer to him, keeping the apple tree between them. It all feels a bit too on the nose in a way that makes his stomach churn.
Tell me the truth, Crowley, return my truth with your own truth.
Crowley swallowed, his eyes flicking around in an attempt to keep his composure and to decide how to phrase his thoughts, Aziraphale assumes. Deep down, Aziraphale knows the truth. He knows Crowley so intimately; he’s never known anyone the way he knows Crowley, not even himself at times. He knows what he wants the truth to be. Selfishly, he wants Crowley to say what he’s always said.
We can run away together! Ask God to let us stay here in this bookshop and just be an us! We don’t need Heaven, we don’t need Hell, they’re toxic!
But the problem with that is the problem of everything, just as Crowley said. Humanity. They fell in love on Earth, not in the Heavens. Aziraphale didn’t fall in love with the angel Crowley once was. He fell in love with the demon he is. Not only did they fall in love with each other, but they also fell in love with humanity. They fell in love because of their shared devotion to humanity and to doing what was right by them, not by Heaven or Hell. At their very cores, they have always devoted themselves to humanity and to each other.
Aziraphale knows this. But it doesn’t make the dagger being pulled out ache any less, it doesn’t make the wound bleed any slower.
“You know what I want.”
Aziraphale nodded, understanding.
I have only ever wanted you, Aziraphale, and to do what is right by humanity. And I cannot have you in the way we both deserve.
Aziraphale’s heart clenched as tears welled in Crowley’s eyes and he continued, “I want a real universe. I want the people to have a chance. I want free will to be a thing. People deserve the chance…to live in the real world.”
I know, Crowley. I know they deserve it all. She never meant for any of us to be able to foil Her plans. We were always on a set path, we were pawns, we only had the illusion of freedom because She wanted us to amuse Her. Us and humanity alike. Why did it have to be us? Why can’t we have each other?
“Even if there are no angels, no demons. No us…ever again.”
Aziraphale turned away, unable to control his emotions any longer. He turned away because he didn’t want Crowley to see his face and to change his mind. He stared out the window into the nothingness of warm mid-morning light. No Whickber Street, no Soho, no London, no world. Just whatever is left of creation. He feels an overwhelming sense of Déjà vu. His heart is pounding faster in his chest, as if he even needs it anymore. He feels Déjà vu because this is precisely what he did when Crowley kissed him and stormed out of the shop.
The Metatron came in and asked how Crowley took the news of his promotion, knowing he didn’t take it well. Taunting Aziraphale with the overwhelming heartbreak of having to choose to leave the person he loved the most in order to do what was right by humanity. Aziraphale had to take the offer to be Supreme Archangel because he couldn’t leave Heaven in the hands of anyone else. None of the other Archangels ever cared about humans in the way he did. Only one angel ever understood him, and the remnants of that angel just kissed him and left. Crowley wanted to run away because he knew the only solution was to get rid of the system that Aziraphale wanted so desperately to fix. But they had the same motive. To fix things for humanity.
Aziraphale stared out the window back then, staring at Crowley as he leaned against his Bentley. Fighting his heart that screamed at him to stay and to beg Crowley to kiss him again, to hold him again. But he knew back then precisely what he knows now. The only solution is to start new. The only solution is to remove the system altogether. There is no fixing this cosmic mistake. There is no returning to the world God just destroyed using Michael as a pawn. They passed the point of no return when God sent Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden.
“Did I say the wrong thing?”
Aziraphale smiled at the sound of Crowley’s voice, laughing through his tears because he knew at that moment that it had started in a garden. And it was always going to end in a garden.
Turning back around, Aziraphale smiled at Crowley with every ounce of love in his corporation. He feels like the sun. Like every single atom is leaning in, moving closer to Crowley. His moon.
“I believe we’ve come to a decision.”
Crowley smiled and laughed in return, eyes brimming with tears but full of…full of hope. Something Aziraphale hasn’t seen in Crowley’s eyes in a very, very long time. And then, Aziraphale realized that time is still frozen.
“Before we go back, can we talk?”
“About?” Crowley shook his head slightly in confusion. “About the things we never got to say before it was too late. The things we have to say now because it is too late.”
Crowley shook his head again, “I already forgave you.”
“I know, Crowley. I just…I wish I had been braver. I wish I could have said yes to you all those years ago. I wish I never asked you to slow down because I had no way of knowing that we would never get to go fast. I didn’t know that I would never get to have you how I always wanted you.”
Once Aziraphale started, he couldn’t stop. He could feel his walls crumbling down around him. He has nothing left to lose. Nothing he hasn’t already accepted the fate of.
“Aziraphale…”
“I’m sorry I left you down there alone. I know that I was trying to do the right thing. And I know that you wanted me to understand that this,” Aziraphale waved his hands, “Was the only option. That we couldn’t change or fix the system because it was designed this way. I’m sorry that I couldn’t stand up to Heaven or to God, I’m sorry that I made you think I chose them over you when I chose Heaven to save humanity for you. For us. I wanted to do the right thing because our love for humanity was everything.”
Crowley’s face made Aziraphale cry harder, but he had to get it all out in the open. He had to apologize properly, to tell him everything.
“I didn’t make it easy for you, Aziraphale. I was desperate, I was confused, I was hurt. I finally had the courage to tell you how I felt and you wouldn’t let me speak. Once I did have the chance it was too late. It was always too late for us, I think. And yeah, you left me. But I also left you. We both could have gone about this whole mess better. But I don’t want to spend our last few minutes dwelling on the things we should or could have done. I forgive you, angel. And I…I—damn it.”
Crowley choked, and Aziraphale surged forward and wrapped his arms around him before he could even think about it. Aziraphale held him so tight he was afraid they would disappear. Crowley held him just as tightly back and they cried together. In their bookshop. Under their apple tree.
“I love you, Aziraphale. I’ve always loved you.”
Aziraphale pressed his face into Crowley’s neck harder and hugged him impossibly tighter before finally pulling back to look him in the eyes.
“I love you, Crowley. I’ve loved you for longer than I could ever put a number on. I’ve loved you longer than I’ve known what love is.”
“Fuck, Aziraphale. Fuck. I know we have to. I know this is the only way. This is the only chance we have to make it right. To give humanity a fighting chance. But why does it have to be us? Why did God use us like this?”
Aziraphale sobbed, “I know. I know.”
“I mean, She has a track record of this. She did the same to Jesus and Judas. She used us in the same way. How could we ever make humans go through this pain and suffering again? How could we ever subject them to what we’ve been through? I’m so angry that She even got away with it for this long! Stupid bloody ineffable game.”
Aziraphale didn’t say anything else, because he can’t really sum it up any other way. He held Crowley in his arms and waited.
“I wish we had more time. I wish we had forever. But I have loved every single moment with you, angel. Even when I hated you, I couldn’t help but love you. I didn’t think demons were even capable of love until I realized I had already fallen head over heels in love with you. How many films I went to see and left gutted because I wanted that kind of romance with you. I wanted to sweep you off your feet. I wanted to show up at your window at midnight. I wanted to slow dance with you in my kitchen. I wanted everything with you, Aziraphale.”
“Crowley, you did. You-you always swept me off my feet. You are so romantic in ways you never even intend to be. You showed me how much you cared, how much you loved me, how much you needed and wanted me. Every time you showed up with chocolates or gave me a lift home or saved me from a situation of my own creation. You didn’t have to make a grand romantic gesture. I knew how much you loved me. How much you still love me.”
Crowley shook his head, “Everything I have ever done was for humanity and for you, Aziraphale. Everything. I wish I could have done more. I wish I could turn back the clock. I wish we could have eternity. But I can’t turn my back on humanity, and I can’t turn my back on you. She doesn’t get to call the shots. Not this time.”
Aziraphale has never loved Crowley more than he does here in this garden. In this bookshop that was always his universe and is now the entire universe. The bookshop that was always his and Crowley’s paradise. Their Eden. It was always going to end like this, wasn’t it? It was always going to lead them back to a garden.
“Do me one last kindness, Crowley?”
“Anything, angel.”
Aziraphale finally asked what he had always wanted to ask, “Kiss me. Properly this time. Please.”
Crowley stepped away, wiping the tears from his face and taking a few deep breaths. Aziraphale let him, and he did the same. And he waited. He always waited. They waited too long before, but now all they have left is waiting for the End.
He stepped closer again, cupping Aziraphale’s face tenderly in his palms, “Promise me that you’ll always find me. Wherever we end up after this. In every other universe. In any shape or form.”
“I know that I will find you in every life, Crowley. In any life.”
They kissed under the apple tree, quiet, gentle, and romantic. The kiss they always deserved. Soft lips and brushing noses and enough devotion to fill the room. Tears of joy and relief and sadness and acceptance and grief. A kiss to say everything they never had the chance to. A kiss to heal their heartbreak. A kiss, just like their last, to seal their fate.
Aziraphale and Crowley both knew that they would do it all over again tomorrow if they had to. They would take the pain and suffering tenfold. They would take the pain of humanity and hold it so gently within themselves, they would mend all wounds, they would nurture them and watch them blossom and grow.
Their love is strong enough to become the building blocks of a new universe. Their love is kind enough to give humanity another chance. Their love is pure enough to fill the universe with galaxies and nebulas and stars and black holes. Their love is devoted enough to become the foundation of a world where humans can live and love freely, without the cruelty of God.
And that is precisely what they did.
Aziraphale and Crowley chose to give humanity everything they could never have.
Humans aren’t perfect. They can be cruel and violent and messy and evil. But they can also be curious and nurturing and silly and creative and loving. And without a puppeteer pulling the strings, humans can be what they were always meant to be, the most beautiful thing of all.
Alive.