Work Text:
“Tyler, c’mon! When was the last time you went out?” Jenna whinged, fruitlessly tugging at his arm. He shooed her off before slumping bonelessly onto the soft, familiar cushions of his couch. “I haven’t seen you move off this sofa since we graduated, which was years ago, mind you.”
“Hey, I’ve moved since then,” He retorted. Technically, it was true. How else would he go to the bathroom? Or grab food when he felt snacky? Unless he bought a mini-fridge. Hm. Maybe he’d look for one online. At least he had tonight’s plans sorted.
The blonde shot him a flat look. “Yeah, you’ve moved your foot one inch to the left. Tyler, c’mon, everyone’s going out to the club for Mark’s birthday! You don’t even have to drink or party; we all just want you to come out tonight.”
“I don’t like coming out. The closet is my home.” He buried his face in his pillow.
She groaned. “More like your coffin.”
Jenna was right; Tyler wasn’t really fond of leaving his apartment very often after graduating high school.
And how many years ago was graduation again? Maybe four or five now? He was in his mid-twenties, and instead of going out and having sex and drugs and whatever it was that twenty-something year-olds did, he was spending those years in his shitty apartment, watching TV and sleeping at one in the morning. He wouldn’t leave his apartment for weeks at a time, and gradually his world started to shrink into whatever new series caught his eye, or doom-scrolling on social media. He hadn’t really had the motivation to do anything, really. Even keeping up with anybody he knew was a chore for him; he had no clue why Jenna kept trying.
Deep down, she probably already knew that. But for whatever reason, she decided to keep trying anyway. She also probably knew that if she didn’t get him out of here sooner or later, he would probably waste away in this place… not that it wasn’t tempting, but it wouldn’t be a pretty picture to walk in on. But Tyler was tired. He just wanted to be left alone. He just wanted her to stop trying to drag him into the world like he still belonged in it.
“At least for this one night, get out of the house. I’ll be there the whole time, and so will Debby-”
“So does that mean that he will be there too?” She went quiet, her expression turning increasingly more sheepish. “Yeah, no, I’m not going.”
“He’s Mark’s friend too, Ty. Of course he’s going.” When he didn’t answer, she sat on the floor in front of the couch, carefully pushing aside a finished packet of chips. It still shocked him that he could feel so self-conscious about how awful the apartment looked, and still couldn’t manage to start cleaning. It was going to get messy again anyway, so what good would it do? “You guys still haven’t talked things out…?”
He shook his head miserably, turning his back to her and facing the couch.
Josh. Josh, whom he met in freshman year. Josh, who dyed his hair every colour of the rainbow. Josh, who wore his hat backwards because he claimed it was cool. Josh, who always stopped walking to pet a dog on the street. His former best friend, who watched him grow, and in return, Tyler watched him grow up, too. He watched Josh go from this shy kid with straightened bangs to the man he was today. The last time he’d seen him, Josh had his hair dyed a bright neon yellow.
Josh was always… Josh.
Somewhere along the way, Josh stopped being just his best friend and became everything to him. It took him a while to admit that he even had an interest in men, let alone in his best friend, but slowly, it all started to make sense. Tyler knew the risks of what would happen if their relationship messed up - he’d lose Josh forever. Sure, he had other friends, but none of them was Josh. He got him on a level that he thought no one could reach or comprehend. He pushed Josh away when he was at his worst, but even then, he stayed. Tyler knew that nothing would ever be the same after crossing that line. But he went for it anyway.
What a mistake that was.
In an instant, Josh had gone from his best friend to a ghost that haunted him every time his eyes started to shut. He knew dating his best friend was the kind of mistake rom-com protagonists made before everything fell apart, but he didn’t care. No, instead, he ruined everything, and now he was trapped behind a wall of unsaid words and unresolved tension, even more alone than before.
Their breakup was quiet but messy. At least, it was for Tyler. He already wasn’t doing so hot around the end, but Josh’s absence amplified everything. Things became too loud, too much, too hard to do. He got so tired of pretending to be okay that he just watched all his barricades come back up, surrounding him like a protective fortress. So sure, maybe the breakup was partly why Tyler refused to leave the house unless he had to, but it wasn’t just that. He knew it had been years since it all went down, but he just couldn’t move on and get over it. But he wasn’t someone Tyler could just get over.
Josh was everything to Tyler.
And now he was gone.
“Tyler… look. I’ll try to keep you guys away from each other, but I do think you have to face him eventually; I’m sure it’ll be okay,” Jenna murmured, snapping him out of his trance. Her hand brushed over his shoulder blade, and when he didn’t pull away, her touch got more secure. “It’s going to be okay. And if it turns out badly, you can leave any time you want. I promise.”
He peered tiredly over his shoulder. “It’s not just seeing him that I dread, Jen…” He trailed off before sighing. “You wouldn’t get it. It’s not something that a lot of people can understand.”
“I know,” She pulled her hand away and back to her lap. “You’re right. I don’t understand. But the least I can do is try to help you. I’m worried about you, Ty. We all are. It feels like years since everyone else has seen you; I know you still see me, even if you don’t want to, but no one else has seen you properly in forever.”
He fiddled with the hem of one of the pillow cases. Talking to everyone felt like too much - he hated having to act like everything was great, that he had to pretend that he was fine and functioning like he should be. And he knew that if he cracked and showed everything that he tried so desperately to hide, everyone would start to walk on eggshells around him again. He hated when that happened. He knew that he wasn’t “normal” like everyone else was, but he at least wanted to feel like it. Even if it was all artificial.
“It’s just for one night, Ty,” Jenna sighed. “You don’t have to even talk to anyone for the whole time, or even stay the whole night; maybe just at least say hi to everyone. See how you go.”
Reluctantly, he turned around, looking at her tiredly. “Fine. I’ll say hi. But I can’t promise I’m going to stay.”
She lit up with hope, and already, Tyler was regretting his words. “Alright! Better than nothing!” She clasped her hands together. “Go get ready; ah, I’m so excited to hang out with you tonight!”
His shoulders slumped as he slowly pulled himself into a sitting position. This was going to be a long night.
—-------
This was a mistake. All of it was a mistake.
It was exhausting just getting off the couch. Walk to the bedroom. Step over the rubbish on the floor. Strip. Shower. Wash his hair. All for a few hours of fake smiles and sweaty crowds? It was already overstimulating to get into the shower after so long. He knew his apartment probably didn’t smell the best either, and Jenna was still out there, waiting for him. He had buried his face in his hands, feeling himself drown in shame. God.
Maybe if he slipped, fell and hit his head, he wouldn’t have to go tonight.
Eventually, he got out, dried himself off and padded into the bedroom. Everything in there was such a mess, it made him cringe inwardly. Small lumps of dirty laundry decorated the floor and his desk chair. He laid out some of his cleaner clothes on the bed, and he breathed out, closing his eyes. It had been a while since he bothered to do something like this. He felt like he was so far gone that he didn’t even know how to take care of himself anymore. Which, he supposed, was somewhat true, but did he really want to come to terms with that? No. He sighed to himself, put on the fresh pair of clothes and exited the room.
When he came back into the living room, he found that a lot of the rubbish on the floor was gone and tied neatly into a few garbage bags. Jenna finished filling another as he closed the door behind him. Shame pooled in his gut, mixed with gratitude. But it felt so embarrassing to have someone else do what he probably could’ve easily gotten done weeks ago. He fidgeted with the hem of his shirt.
“You didn’t have to do this for me, Jen,” He mumbled quietly.
She looked up and shook her head. “I wanted to. It’s what friends are for.”
“...I’ll make it up to you. Let me buy you your drinks tonight or something-”
“Tyler, no.” The blonde interrupted him. “Like I said. It’s what friends are for. I did this because I wanted to, not because I had to.”
This wasn’t the first time that Jenna had done this for him. She had dragged him out of his apartment before to go to cafes to talk (well, she was mostly doing the talking. Jenna was always the more chatty one out of the two of them) or on short walks through the park; she’d even cleaned his apartment for him a couple of times, despite his embarrassed protests. He could never understand why she kept trying, or why she wanted to help him so much, but it meant the world that she hadn’t given up on him yet. He wished she’d let him repay her, but she wouldn’t even let him pay for her when they had their occasional outings.
“Ready to go? We can just walk from here, it’s not that far.” He nodded, and together, they exited the apartment. It was chilly; the wind bit at his cheeks and he tugged his jacket against his body tighter. The walk was realistically about five minutes, but for Tyler, it felt like hours. He barely got off his couch, let alone walked a few blocks up a steep road. After so much time without a lot of movement, it was like running a marathon for him.
Eventually, they reached the bar. It was quaint and small, but it looked homey and had several handfuls of people catching up at wooden tables. He remembered going here with all of their friends after exam periods to celebrate; they’d all crowd together in a booth, clink their glasses together and talk about whatever they wanted. Those days, going here was a reward, a place to blow off steam. But the last time he went here… it ruined all of that for him. The graduation party took place in this very bar - the graduation party was where he broke up with Josh, right in the alley nearby. He hated hurting him, but he knew that he just had to break things off. If Josh wasn’t going to cut free the dead weight of their relationship, then Tyler was going to. He was better off without him, anyway. Jenna paused at the door, almost causing him to bump into her back.
“I can go in before you to check if he’s here…” She peered over her shoulder to gauge his response. Almost eagerly, he nodded quickly. “Gotcha. Just wait here and take deep breaths.”
Tyler followed her advice, watching her enter the building. Once the door shut, he let himself lean his body weight against the wall in temporary relief. He didn’t know how the others were going to react to him coming back. He’d always been awful at answering his messages, but that little habit of his had increased tenfold since graduation. Would they be mad? Would they say, ‘look what the cat dragged in’? And worst of all, what if Josh was in there? Tyler wouldn’t even know how he’d react to that. He knew that he’d see him in there eventually, but right when he entered? He was hoping he wouldn’t, but the universe could be so cruel to him. His hands shook. Going was an awful idea, what was he thinking? Jenna wasn’t back yet. Maybe he could just sneak off and call in sick-
Jenna re-emerged, two glasses in hand. So much for that plan.
“Is he in there?” He couldn’t help but ask.
“Not here yet. But Debby, Mark, Nick, Chris and some of the others are already inside, just drinking and catching up.” She smiled encouragingly. He nodded a little in response. Maybe he could do this. Jenna wasn’t going to force him to stay if he didn’t want to, either. “Did you want a drink before you go inside?”
He looked at the drink as she gestured it towards him. It had been a while since he went out to the bar, let alone even had a glass of alcohol. He sighed and shrugged. “Why not. Anything to help me survive tonight… liquid courage or whatever.”
“That’s the spirit.”
He downed it all in one gulp. Liquid courage… right.
With a deep breath, they entered the bar, with Jenna going in first. Almost immediately, he heard a familiar feminine voice shriek. He didn’t get the chance to register what was going on before he was suddenly engulfed in a hug by a flash of auburn curls. Hesitantly, he hugged her back, looking at Jenna with wide eyes.
“Babe, careful, it’s still been a bit,” The blonde laughed. Debby pulled away slightly and grinned sheepishly.
“Sorry, sorry… but Tyler, it’s been so long since I’ve seen you!” She beamed.
“Why, you missed me?” He tried to tease back, hoping it didn’t sound as conceited as he felt like it sounded. Luckily, she just laughed light-heartedly. Thank God he managed to say the right thing.
“We all did!” Mark, who seemed to appear from thin air, chimed in. “Glad you came out for my birthday, though.”
Tyler smiled bashfully. He was glad too.
—------
He probably shouldn’t have drunk so much. Jenna tried to stop him, but he found that the more he drank, the quieter his brain got; and why would he want to hear his brain tear him down when he was finally having a great time for the first time in what felt like forever? He couldn’t remember the last time he let out a genuine laugh, or even enjoyed being around so many people. He didn’t even care about the loud music or the bright lights.
What was he so worried about again? Maybe it was better that he wouldn’t remember.
Tyler laughed loudly at an awful joke that Debby made. He hugged Mark when he came back with more drinks like he was his long-lost brother. He danced freely on the dancefloor, not caring that he looked stupid. He was having fun. That was all that mattered to him.
“Where’s Mark, man?” Tyler asked, taking another swig of his drink. “Haven’t seen him in a hot minute.”
Debby looked around curiously before pausing. “Oh… um… he’s busy?” Her face contorted into something his mind didn’t want to place. Maybe it was a weird joke? Should he laugh? He should laugh.
“C’mon, guys, what’s up?” Tyler laughed, feeling airy and carefree. Curiously, he looked over his shoulder.
His smile dropped in a flash, and the world went silent. Unlike the world, though, his thoughts started to crowd around him, all talking over each other at once.
There he was.
Tyler could immediately tell that Josh was ageing like fine wine; for one, his face practically looked the same. Maybe it shouldn’t be so shocking, since it realistically hadn’t been that long, but to Tyler, it felt like decades since he last saw him somewhere that wasn’t his dreams.
He was so annoyingly attractive that Tyler just couldn’t look away.
Josh’s hair also wasn’t as fried as it was the last time he saw him; it looked healthier. He’d let it grow out to just above his shoulders, and Tyler noticed that the bottom half of his hair was dyed to a vibrant red. The top seemed all-natural; most notably, he let his curls form naturally instead of hiding them behind hats or straighteners. They bounced as he laughed at whatever Mark was telling him. He hadn’t even seen Tyler yet.
Without another word, he ran into the bathroom and threw up everything he had drunk and eaten. He could faintly hear Jenna calling out for him with concern, but he just didn’t want to go back in there. Not now, not ever.
He retched again. He thought he would have at least reacted a little better to seeing him again, but apparently not. He heard the bathroom door open behind him and didn’t bother to turn around.
“Tyler?” Jenna approached him from behind, worry lacing her voice.
“This is the guy’s bathroom,” He muttered back, practically dry heaving against the bowl.
“That’s not important right now.” She replied easily and closed the bathroom door behind them. It was just the two of them in the stall.
This wasn’t a new occurrence. Tyler used to sometimes crash out at parties when they were back at high school - a time where Tyler still wasn’t doing so well, but at least he was better then than he was now. Jenna used to take him to a quieter place, and she’d just… talk. About everything and nothing. She never pried an answer out of him - she was patient, she was sweet, and even though she could be stubborn and hot-headed at times, she would always pull through for him in the end. Tyler knew that he was lucky to have Jenna in his life; she was one of his best friends. Even though he’d done things for her in the past, it still felt like he could never truly make it up to her.
“Do you need some water or something? I can call Debby to go get one…”
“I’ll be fine… just… give me a minute.” No, he was not going to be ‘fine’. But she didn’t need to know that.
Tyler’s throat burned angrily, but he couldn’t bring it in himself to care. It still felt like there was something still lodged in there. Maybe his heart really did come up to his throat.
“Do you want me to wait for you outside?” Jenna asked softly. He gave a small nod, just wanting to be alone for a bit. She hovered around him before unlocking the door. “I’ll be at the table with Debby… come find us when you’re out, okay?” And she left the bathroom, leaving him alone with his thoughts.
It was pathetic how fast his mood could plummet. For once, he’d actually been enjoying himself; talking to his friends, laughing, forgetting how heavy everything usually felt. All for him to fall back on his ass and into square one because he saw his ex-boyfriend, who just had to get more attractive as the years went by. He couldn’t even blame Josh for it; he didn’t even do anything.
He couldn’t stay here. Not with Josh being here. Not even alcohol could numb the way his world crashed when he saw Josh again for the first time in years.
Eventually, he dragged himself out of the bathroom, ignoring the confused looks of any of the other patrons. Tyler stumbled over to the table, where Jenna and Debby were seemingly chatting animatedly about something, but the conversation died as he approached. His stomach churned as eyes from all around the bar drilled into his back.
“‘M gonna go,” He muttered, trying to hide how awful he felt. “Not feelin’ so hot.” Jenna stood up.
“Alright. I'll get us out of here... Deb, could you tell Mark we're heading out then?” Debby nodded, already starting to stand up.
“Jen, no.” Tyler placed his hand on her shoulder, gently pushing her back down onto her seat. “You should have a nice night - so should you, Deb. It’s not your fault that I feel like shit, so why should you be punished for it? You’ve been having a good night, anyway.”
After a few more failed attempts at getting up, she waved his hand off and stood up. “Ty, you’re pale as hell, and you just threw up in a nightclub bathroom. I’m not letting you walk home alone.”
“I can let Mark know you guys had something come up,” Debby offered, starting to get out of the booth. The guilt in his stomach tripled as the girls started figuring out ways to get him out. This was meant to be a fun night for everyone; it was Mark’s birthday, for goodness’ sake. The night was meant to be all about him and celebrating, but instead, Tyler just had to freak out and make himself the problem of the night. The last thing he wanted was to ruin everything further; it would be better for everyone if he just left them to have fun without him.
“Guys, I… I’m fine.” He lied. “Just need some air… It’s hot as hell in here!” He tried to laugh it off, but he didn’t even sound convincing to himself. “Have fun tonight; you guys deserve it.”
Jenna didn’t move. The stubbornness faded from her expression, softening into something more gentle, more understanding. More pitiful.
He hated that look on her.
“You saw him.”
A pause.
“Didn’t you.”
He dug his nails into his palm, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. “I just need some air, Jen. Just gotta get out for a bit.
Jenna looked at him for a long moment as if she was trying to decide whether forcing him into a cab would make him hate her. Eventually, she sighed and hugged him tightly. “Call me if you need me, okay? I’ll pick up on the first ring.”
He gave a small nod and quickly rushed outside, not daring to look back at the other side of the bar again. Being in there was making him more nauseous than he needed to be, so the swift chill of the night against his cheeks was a welcome presence. The world was still spinning, and nothing seemed to ground him. He walked past the alley where everything went down so many years ago, and just at the thought of it, vomit crawled its way back up and out of his throat. Maybe he was doing a little worse than he thought he was. Deciding to take it easy, he took small steps down the sidewalk. He didn’t really remember what way he was supposed to turn, but he could figure that out when he got to the end of this road.
Tyler managed to make it for about a minute before the sound of someone approaching him from behind made his ears prick up.
“...Tyler.” At the sound of his name, he froze. He didn’t have to turn around to know who it was.
“...hi, Josh.” He mumbled back, not daring to look up. He didn’t want to see his face.
Apparently, he didn’t get a choice because Josh decided to walk up and stand right in front of him. He was even more beautiful up close. “...are you going to avoid me forever?” This time, he didn’t answer. He didn’t want to. Both he and Josh knew the answer to that question, anyway. “Ty. Please just talk to me.”
He shook his head, his eyes drilling holes into the floor. “There’s nothing left to say.” That was a lie, and they both knew it.
“I wanted to contact you… I’ve wanted to talk ever since everything went down,” Hesitantly, Josh brought his hand to his chin, tilting his head up. Tyler’s heart ached with the familiarity of the gesture, and he let himself lean into his hand. “Please. We don’t have to do this tonight, but I’m not going to let you stumble home drunk and vulnerable.”
He couldn’t help but roll his eyes. Josh always worried too much; he wasn’t that tipsy. “Yes, you are.” Oh, did he say that out loud? “Yes.”
Tyler’s cheeks flushed, and he sighed. He’d hate himself in the morning, but reluctantly, he nodded. Josh hummed and carefully looped one of his arms under Tyler’s, helping to steady him as they started to walk. Stupidly, he grew redder at the proximity; this was the first time he’d had any skin-on-skin contact with Josh in years. Mercifully, Josh didn’t call him out.
The walk to Josh’s apartment was quiet, and Tyler felt like it went on forever before they stopped at the front door of a decent apartment complex. He felt himself zone out as they entered the lobby and went up the stairs. The last thing Tyler could remember was entering the apartment.
—------
His head was pounding from the moment he woke up, and he didn’t even get the chance to comprehend where he was before he felt vomit crawl up his throat. Immediately, he jumped up and dashed into what he correctly assumed was the ensuite, and retched. Jenna was right, he should have been careful with how much he drank last night. Tyler groaned, hugging the toilet seat.
Where even was he?
Hazily, he looked around. The ensuite was clean and didn’t have his day-old clothes on the floor, so this clearly wasn’t his apartment. Not to mention that his toothbrush was blue, not red. He blinked, taking slow breaths. What happened last night, again?
Slowly, the memories of last night started to come back to his mind. Seeing Josh. Vomiting. Trying to walk home. Josh finding him and taking him back to his apartment. Wait. He was in Josh’s apartment. His forehead collided with his arm with a thunk. Shit. How was he going to face him? Where was he right now? Was he waiting outside the bedroom door? Tyler spared a glance over his shoulder to find nothing. Guess not. He sighed and flushed the toilet.
Eventually, Tyler dragged himself back into the bedroom, properly looking at his surroundings. There actually wasn’t a lot in there; just the bed, a drawer, a nightstand, the ensuite and the closet. No personal belongings or anything. This must be the guest room. He took a double-take at the nightstand; there was a glass of water with a note, and his phone was plugged in next to it. Hesitantly, he picked up the paper.
Hey Ty,
Hope you’re feeling better. If you’re up early enough, I might be making brunch. Join me if you’re up for it; I’d love to talk.
-Josh
As if sensing he was reading it, the scent of bacon and eggs filled the air. Tyler’s stomach rumbled unhelpfully, both from how hungry he was and from the chance of talking to Josh again. He wasn’t even sure if he was ready to talk. Tyler nabbed the glass and drank it down quickly. He knew it had been years, and he should have matured past this, but he wouldn’t even know what to say. “Why did you have to get so much hotter and more attractive when we were apart?” “You brought colour into my life, and when you left, my days started blurring together again?” “Take me back, I’ll do anything?” All of them were true, but all of them were horrible ways to talk to your ex after years of no contact.
He had to face Josh eventually. He knew that better than anyone. He just didn’t think it’d be so… soon.
Tyler took a deep breath and exited the room.
Josh’s apartment was a little bigger than his. Definitely cleaner. He had floor-to-ceiling windows, leading out to a quaint little balcony overlooking the horizon. Tyler couldn’t remember the last time he even bothered to open his windows. He knew that a thick layer of dust had probably settled upon them by now. Near those windows, there was a little kitchen tucked nicely into the corner. On the counter, there were two plates, each of them having a hearty serving of bacon and eggs. Tyler knew it was still fresh; he could still see the smoke wafting into the air. In the centre of the kitchen, there stood Josh, wearing a worn-out apron, flipping an egg. He peered over his shoulder and offered a slightly strained smile. “Hey… how are you feeling?”
Tyler swallowed, not meeting his gaze and focusing on the plates. “...could be better.” He muttered back awkwardly.
Josh nodded lightly and gestured towards the food. “Are you hungry? I made you breakfast. Sorry, I didn’t know if you wanted something specific, so I just made bacon and eggs.”
“It's fine.” Tyler poked at one of the eggs. He couldn’t remember the last time he was even up early enough to have breakfast… or the last time he ate something that wasn’t greasy takeout he Ubered in, or leftovers from his otherwise empty fridge. There was a time when Tyler would devour these and convince Josh to make seconds.
But that version of Tyler hasn’t existed in years.
Josh turned off the stove and pulled off his apron before joining him at the counter, eating the eggs first. It was quiet. Too quiet.
“...can we talk?” Josh asked quietly.
No, God, please, no. I can’t. I’m not ready. I just can’t. “Sure. We can go outside or something.”
Josh nodded, and together, the pair of them exited and made their way to the balcony. Josh had a small outdoor couch there, and seeing as it was the only chair there, they sat down, keeping a respectable distance between each other. The tension was suffocating. Tyler didn’t want to start this conversation; what could he possibly say? Josh cleared his throat after a moment.
“...I tried to call you.” He started. Before Tyler could answer, he continued. “I know you never unblocked my number. I didn’t expect you to in the first place. But I thought it was worth trying.”
His shoulders sank. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” He shook his head, staring out into the horizon. “I get it. Well, kind of.” He paused, then went on. “No. I lied. I don’t think I do get it… not properly.”
“The blocking number thing?”
“All of it.” He felt Josh’s eyes shift towards him. “I don’t know why we broke up. I knew we had some problems, but I didn’t think they were big enough to break us up.” Tyler watched him drum his fingers on his thigh; it was a habit of his when he was feeling nervous. “Was it me? Was I too much or something? Or not enough…?”
The weight of all the guilt on Tyler’s shoulders increased tenfold. “No! No… it was never you, Josh.” Tyler finally met his gaze. “It was me. It was all me.”
“You said that, but you never expanded,” Josh replied softly. “You don’t have to, but… I just wanna know what’s wrong, and what led you to-”
“Leave. I know.” Tyler finished his sentence reluctantly and took a small breath before spilling his guts. “I wasn’t doing well mentally… I hadn’t been for a while. The months leading up to… everything, things were just plummeting for me. You didn’t do anything wrong, Josh; you were the best thing that could have ever happened to me. But I was so sick of burdening you with my problems. You didn’t deserve a partner like me - you deserved someone who could give you everything you ever wanted and more.”
Josh gnawed on his bottom lip before answering. “Ty, you were never a burden to me. I never felt like you were a chore or just someone to tolerate. I wanted to help you, to be there for you. I always did, and I still do. Why do you think I told you to stay the night?”
He couldn’t even answer. Not that he could in the first place. Josh continued, almost sounding a bit nervous. “But back then… You never even let me in, Tyler. I didn’t know what was going on in your head because you wouldn’t tell me anything. I knew that something was wrong, and yes, I can read you most of the time… but I was never a mind reader. I just wanted to help… but I couldn’t help you if I didn’t know what was going on. It just… it felt like you locked me out for the last few months, and then out of nowhere, you dumped me on the night of the graduation party.”
Josh took a deep breath, the silence settling in between them again. Tears pooled in Tyler’s eyes, and he fruitlessly tried to hide them by staring at his lap. Now wasn’t the time to cry; Josh was telling him the truth. It stung a little, but he knew that he needed to hear it. “I… I’m sorry. I know that it’s overdue and probably means nothing to you now, but… I’m sorry.” He mumbled. “Talking about this stuff… doesn’t come easily to me. It’s too foreign, it’s too weird. I just… I don’t…” He trailed off, burying his face in his hands.
He heard some faint shuffling before a warm sensation tugged him forward and into Josh’s chest. It took him a moment to even register that the sensation was Josh and his inhuman body heat. Tyler tensed up instinctively before slowly letting himself relax against the familiarity of it all. Josh spoke up again, his voice quieter this time. “I don’t know how you’re doing right now… I know you still talk to Jenna, but even she wouldn’t tell me how you were going.” Yeah, he told her not to. “I missed you, but it took me a long time to get past everything, you know?” He took another breath before continuing. “I know that we haven’t exactly… talked… in a while, but… I want to help you. We don’t even have to get back together. I just want to maybe… meet sometime? Sort things out? It doesn’t all have to be about that stuff if you don’t want to talk about it. It can be like old times… we can catch a movie, grab some Taco Bell, go to the arcade or something…”
“It doesn’t have to be tomorrow, next week, or whatever. It can be whenever you’re ready, if you were keen to go…” Josh spared a glance before looking away. “I just… I want a chance to get to know you again.” Josh swallowed hard, rubbing at the back of his neck. “Because despite everything, I do miss you. And… maybe this is stupid, but I want to try again.” He let out a quiet laugh that didn’t quite sound amused. “I just… can’t pretend none of it hurt.”
Tyler’s chest tightened painfully at the crack in Josh’s voice. He hugged him tighter, the tears starting to spill. Josh didn’t say anything afterwards, either; he just traced little circles into his back, and Tyler focused on Josh’s heartbeat thumping against his ear. Minutes of silence between them passed. The only sounds they could hear were the morning ambience of the city.
Eventually, he spoke up, his voice quiet. “I want to try again too, but… you’re right. I haven’t been doing well… I haven’t for a while. I don’t… I don’t want to drag you down. I can tell you’ve been doing better since everything happened.” His eyes shifted over to him temporarily. “…but I missed you, too. More than you could ever know… and I just… I don’t know. If you let me back into your life, I’ll try to get better. For you, and for me.” Tyler squirmed a little, his leg vibrating against the floor. “But just… be patient with me. I won’t know what I’m doing, and I can’t just… get better after a nice talk with you.” Josh hummed quietly in response. “Just… tell me if it’s too much to deal with, okay? I don’t want to hurt you again.”
“I will. I promise.” The other man nodded. Silence settled between the pair again, before he spoke up again. “...so… does this mean that you’ll finally unblock my number?”
Despite the circumstances, Tyler laughed. He couldn’t help it; it just bubbled out of his chest. “...sure. I’ll unblock you.”
“Thanks - this means that I’ll start sending you more awful videos I find online.” Josh smiled, his eyes crinkling at the sides as Tyler rolled his eyes fondly. “Now c’mon, let’s go back inside… breakfast is getting cold, and I’m starving.”
He took his hand and let out a quiet breath as the pair of them re-entered the apartment.
For the first time in years, Tyler slowly let himself believe that things were going to be okay again.