Work Text:
“No, you have to go.” Hyunjin grunts.
“I can’t!” Minho resists, hands digging into the wooden doorframe. “I really can’t, please! I cannot be left alone with that man!”
Hyunjin’s grip on Minho’s hips slips and Minho rushes to cower behind the door. “I never know what to say to Chan and I end up saying something really mean to him and he gets this – this really sad, really pathetic puppy dog eyes! I just can’t put myself through that again!”
Hyunjin cannot believe his roommate. Minho generally has a very menacing demeanor with a touch of motherly rage. He has personally seen him threaten cops, managers and– on rare occasions– their professors. Watching grown men cower to Minho was both gleeful as well as awe-inspiring.
But somehow, when it came to Bang Chan - a very cheerful and sweet, ever-helpful senior - Minho somehow crumbled into a stumbling mess. He stuttered, dropped coffee down his sweater and had almost been run over in traffic.
“Minho, if you don’t go today, you will never get together with this man – and I know that sounds fine with you right now, but for the love of God I cannot, will not! Listen to another day of you pining after his dimples so it’s now or never. And by never I mean I will kill you so you won’t get another chance.”
Minho grabs him by the lapels like a man dying. “Hyunjin, please, listen to me. I don’t- I don’t know- I can’t.” He takes a deep breath and deploys the most devastating eyes at Hyunjin, lips jutted out, eyes sparkling like Puss in Boots. “Please just come with me. Just stay with me till I get there.” A devious devilish man.
“Fine! Fine,” Hyunjin relents. “But only till you get there!”
“Hyunjin, please, just stay on the line!” Minho whisper-shouts into his Bluetooth earphones.
Hyunjin can see him through the café glass windows from where he’s seated across the road on the outdoor metal chairs. “Your date will be here any minute!” Hyunjin hisses back.
“That’s why I need you here!”
“Minho,” Hyunjin whispers into his cupped phone. Other outdoor café sitters are starting to eye him suspiciously but that could also be because he’s dressed like he’s in MI6 – a dapper brown suede coat and sunglasses on a cloudy day. “You cannot go through the entire date with me in your ear, you need to get it together!”
There’s a short silence then a soft yelp from the other end. Then – “Ok, he’s here. Hyunjin, please just help me with what I should say, please. Just stay on the line.”
Hyunjin watches him squirm in his seat, cowering into the seats and trying to avoid being noticed by Chan. He could see Chan look around for a moment then visibly light up when his eyes land on Minho pathetically trying to melt into the seats.
Hyunjin rolls his eyes. “Fine,” he agrees. “You owe me big time for this.”
“Hello!” A thick Australian accented voice is heard through the earphones. A bit far away but still audible. “How are you?”
“Ok, I can hear him,” Hyunjin confirms. Minho lets out a high pitch hum in acknowledgement. Or maybe that wasn’t to him. “Tell him you’re fine, thank you, how are you, etcetera. You idiot.”
“You’re fine, thank you, how are you, etcetera?” Minho parrots, tumbling over his words.
Hyunjin facepalms.
“Uh. Yeah. I am fine. Yes.”
Hyunjin drags his hand across his face. He wishes he could drown out the ridiculous amount of stuttering from the two grown men but alas he is stuck in this thankless job.
“Shall we order something to drink?”
“Say yes,” Hyunjin instructs him. “Now order whatever you want.”
“Um, water?”
“Something other than water!”
“I mean, anything other than water!” Minho splutters.
“Just say you want an iced latte.”
Hyunjin flags a waiter and orders his own iced latte. He’s going to be here a while after all. His latte arrives just as he hears Chan apologize and thank the waiter after several messed up orders from Minho and the air gets silent again through his phone.
Hyunjin takes a sip. “Ask him about how his work is going.”
“Uhh…” Chan hesitates. “Work is – good? It’s good.” He pauses then starts again. “I’ve been working on a new project!” he exclaims like he just remembered it. Hyunjin can see his hundred watt shining teeth from across the street. “More R&B, a little hip-hop based. You know…” he trails off.
“Well, that’s perfect. We’re in a hip-hop dance crew. Tell him about that, Minho.”
“I’m in a hip-hop dance crew.”
Silence. Chan seems to be waiting for Minho to elaborate further.
Minho does not elaborate further.
Hyunjin takes a deep breath and a longer sip of his drink.
In an adjacent outdoor metal chair, sipping his own iced latte, was Jeongin intensely squinting at the scene on the other side of the street. He had forgotten his glasses today and the two older men simply looked like pixelated dots in a dimly lit room.
“I’m in a hip-hop dance crew.”
“Well, yeah we know that.” Jeongin rolls his eyes. “Did he think we forgot his job or something? Ask him to tell you more, like some project that he’s done recently – or a showcase.”
“Your hip-hop crew – have you done a showcase? I mean not like – ever. I mean, recently. Anything recent. I know you’ve done some before obviously; I was there for the one you guys did- was it three months ago? Gosh time flies,” Chan giggles nervously, each laugh getting progressively high-pitched.
“Um, yeah. We have one coming up. June 13, 7:30pm.”
“Ok, take that as an invitation. He’s inviting you for another date to his showcase,” Jeongin nods. “That’s good. Tell him you’re excited to come.”
“I would love to come!”
Jeongin takes another sip of his latte. So far, everything had been smooth going, despite Chan nervously laughing at the end of every sentence.
After a string of messy girlfriends and boyfriends, Chan had vowed to never date again and had become increasingly reticent- that is, up until he met Minho. It had pained Jeongin to see the older man pine after Minho, but it had been even more painful to see him sit in the same dirty shorts for a week and dark circles under his bloodshot eyes. And with sleeplessness came the workaholism. Jeongin did not want to be subjected to another night of listening to looping music samples of train sounds at 3am.
And so, Jeongin was on a mission today: get hyung laid. Even if he had to force them to kiss each other through voodooism.
“Clear your throat if his drink is almost over,” Jeongin receives a muffled sound back and takes that as a yes. “The date cannot end here. Say you want to stretch your legs and take a walk.”
“I want to stretch my legs. Take a walk. And all that.”
“Oh. OK. That’s fine.”
“Invite him to come with you!” Jeongin corrects him quickly. The miscommunication between the two could’ve caused WW3 if they were in important enough stations in the government.
“Please come with me.”
“Yes. I will come with you.”
Robots, Jeongin thinks. Both these idiots are incapable of normal human conversation.
Jeongin watches the two of them awkwardly try to fit through the café door at the same time as he pays his own bill in cash. He dusts himself off and gets up to cross the street. A crowd of people start crossing at the same time as him, jostling and making him lose sight of the couple. One tall man with long hair elbows him in his urgency to cross the road in long, elegant strides.
“Oof,” Jeongin’s breath punches out and he doubles over gripping his ribs in pain. He looks up to see the man’s brown jacket flutter in the wind as he marches somewhere importantly like a model on the runway.
Looking around, Jeongin realizes he can't see Chan and Minho. “Chan, you need to slow down, I can’t find you. Tell me about a landmark near you.”
“Oh look! A red mailbox! I just – love red! And the national postal service! Letters are so romantic.”
“Letters are great. I can write. In four languages. I mean – I love red too. I have blood that is red. You – also have blood that is red. We are red.”
Jeongin spots the mailbox to the right, across a three-way and the blond couple next to it, refusing to make eye contact with each other.
Again, the man in the suede jacket rushes past him towards the couple. Jeongin squints at the man. He couldn't say for sure that the man was following them but when one dresses in a sketchy (though expensive; Jeongin would know, he's a fashion student) trench coat and sunglasses on a cloudy day its hard not to strike a suspicious figure.
He follows the couple as they start walking again. However, his suspicions are proven right within the next two left turns (that he instructs Chan to take): the man dressed like an expensive secret agent-slash-model is definitely trying to rob Chan and Minho.
“Ok, Chan, I need you to do exactly as I say and do right now. There’s somebody tailing you – don’t look back! – and I’m gonna make sure he lays off. Walk into that Gucci shop – hold the door open for Minho! – and stay inside. Show him bags or something. Give me a minute.”
“Let’s go to the Gucci showroom. I’ve always wanted to go there!”
“You…have?”
Jeongin closes in on the man in suede who had stopped half a block away, observing the couple from the corner of his eyes, trying to look discretely while hiding his face behind big sunglasses.
“Tell him it’s too early– ” he hears the man say into his hand – secret communication device? –before he hauls the man into the alley by the collar and yanks him up against the wall.
“I know what you’re doing,” Jeongin starts menacingly.
“I know what you’re doing– ” Chan repeats.
“Not you, Chan,” he groans into his mic piece at the same time the man yelps out a high-pitched “what?”
“What?” says Minho.
“What?” says Chan.
“That wasn’t me,” Jeongin growls to Chan again. “Just talk to him inside the store by yourself.”
“Wait-“
“Wait, what-?”
He focuses back on the man in his arms, now gaping at him. “You know Chan?” he asks.
That throws Jeongin off. “Wait,” he lets go of the man’s lapels then mutes himself on the call. “How do you know Chan? Please don’t tell me he’s a foreign spy or something.”
“Foreign spy? What- no. I know him from college! Who the hell are you?”
“I’m Chan’s roommate!”
“Oh.” The man blinks. “Oh. Is this like a jealousy thing? You’re roommates but you’re also like, roommates, but you never really talked about it- god I need to talk to Minho if that’s true. Minho-”
“I am not in love with Chan!!” Jeongin shrieks, disgusted. “Wait you know Minho? Ok, what is going on, why are you following them?”
The man folds his hands together and turns his annoyingly perfect chin up at him. “I could ask the same thing myself! You’re following them too!”
“I’m- I’m sorry I need to-” Minho's voice crackles in through the ear piece.
“No, wait, Minho-”
The door to the Gucci store bursts open and Minho skids out into the alleyway, breath coming in ragged anxious puffs.
“Hyunjin, I can’t understand shi- who the fuck are you?” Minho straightens immediately at the sight of Jeongin. “Step away from him right now.”
Jeongin throws his hands up. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Do you two know each other?”
“I don’t need to know him to know you’re being a creep. Now step back before I start doing more than just asking you.” Jeongin eyes Minho’s clenched fists as he slowly inches away from the man – from Hyunjin.
Chan jogs into the alleyway, looking distraught. “Minho, I’m so sorr- Jeongin?” Chan notices the atmosphere and immediately puts his hands on Minho’s shoulders in a placating gesture. “Minho, wait. What’s going on?”
Minho wavers slightly, softening under his touch. “Chan, do you know this man?”
“Y-Yeah, he’s my roommate,” he explains, still flabbergasted. “Again, what’s going on? Minho, why did you run out?”
“Wait, what?” Minho shakes his head, all the fight leaving him. “Why is your roommate here? And why is he accosting my roommate in an alleyway?”
Chan scrunches his eyebrows together.
“Why is your roommate here?”
Hyunjin regrets everything. From agreeing to room with Minho all the way down to agreeing on this stupid idea. And now, he was stuck embarrassing himself in front of a gorgeous man with immaculate cheekbones.
Stuff like this only happens to him.
“I think there’s been a huge misunderstanding here,” Hyunjin says diplomatically.
Minho winces at the feedback and plucks his earphone out, pulling at his ears.
Jeongin points at Hyunjin, then at Minho. “Wait,” he points back at Hyunjin. “Have you been on call with him this entire time?”
Hyunjin closes his eyes and prays lightning either strikes him to death– or to a really good lie, he isn’t picky.
Neither happens and he is left despondently alone in his struggles. Hyunjin always did say that all his luck was spent when he was born on his good genes and he's left to the wolves in life to struggle through- whatever this is.
And as if things can’t get worse, Chan starts laughing.
Nervous giggling at first but slowly it dissolves into cackling, wheezing, hands-on-his-knees kind. He sits down with his head between his knees, and his shoulders continue to shake – though it’s starting to become indiscernible from sobbing.
“Chan-?” Jeongin takes a step towards him in concern, abandoning his previous inquisition with Hyunjin at the light of more important matters – like his roommate possibly having a mental breakdown in an alleyway in broad daylight. Hyunjin thinks his priorities are solid.
“I’m-I’m fine!” Chan squeezes out between his ragged wheezes, throwing a thumbs up without lifting his head. “Just-just show them.”
Jeongin freezes and turns towards Minho, then Hyunjin. Whatever he finds in their blank stares just makes him sigh. He pulls out his phone and taps it on, turning the screen towards them.
There it was. Chan’s contact, on call for the last one hour and running.
Oh this was just perfect.
“Ha!” Hyunjin barks out. It practically bubbles out of him in peals. “Ha Ha! Oh my GOD. Ha!” He points between Chan on the ground -still wheezing- and Jeongin standing with his head down in shame. Then to Minho, face blank, still processing everything. “HA!”
He claps his hands in glee and wipes the tears from his eyes. “Oh, this is- wow. This is just- insane. All of us. Wow. Ha.”
“It’s not that funny,” Jeongin mutters. He jabs the end call button and shoves his phone back in his pocket.
“It is kinda,” Chan argues, mouth still split wide in a grin. He stands up and brushes himself off. “I think- we should all get some tea. That was a lot of excitement today. Shall we go to the Levanter Café?” Chan offers his hand to Minho, who still seems to be in catalytic shock. “Maybe start over this whole date, without the voices in our ears this time.”
“I could use a drink,” Minho mutters, but follows him.
They walk towards the café, Hyunjin in the back beside Jeongin, following the older couple. Hyunjin glances towards the sharp-eyed man and feels butterflies erupt in his stomach at the memory of being shoved against the brick wall by him. Hyunjin wishes he felt shame for such fantasies but alas, he must be who he is.
“So, you were on the other side the whole time?” Hyunjin asks him.
Jeongin nods and gestures at Chan and Minho in front of them. “I thought mating was a human instinct, but I am reconsidering that theory every time Chan opens his mouth in front of Minho.”
“They are the most hopeless idiots I’ve ever seen,” Hyunjin nods in agreement. “Even while telling them what to do, they were floundering like headless chickens.”
“I know right,” Jeongin scoffs. “At this point, we might as well date each other instead of helping them and dating through them.”
Hyunjin considers that.
“I mean,” he shrugs. “We could.”
Jeongin turns to Hyunjin, bows scrunched but a smile tugging at his lips. Hyunjin thought he looked beautiful when he smiled.
“Hey, Chan,” Hyunjin calls, not looking away from Jeongin. “Why don’t we go with you on your coffee shop date. You know, just to keep you and Minho out of trouble.”
Jeongin grins fully. God, Hyunjin could get used to that smile.
“I’m in for a date.”