Peter Parker [11:47 PM]

Okay so, someone killed Stacy Gwen. Not on purpose. Well. Indirectly. Which is apparently a thing now.

Miles got falsely accused of murdering his own girlfriend—which, first of all, rude of the universe—but it was actually Harry Osborn who did it. Indirectly. And he didn't even apologize. Just walked around like "well technically—"

I hate it here.

Anyway. Then there's the whole MJ situation.

MJ was dating Paul. Paul exists. I think. Then Ned told me they broke up because MJ started going out with Felicia. Which, okay, good for her. But THEN Felicia was also talking to Silver Sable. And MJ found out. And Silver Sable showed up at Paul's apartment—where MJ was staying, by the way—and Felicia was there, and it was like a triangle but not a triangle because Paul was also there but nobody cared about Paul.

So MJ and Silver Sable started fighting over Felicia.

In Paul's apartment.

While Paul stood there.

Making coffee, probably.

Cindy got involved because she's confused about everyone going at each other's throats, and I had to tell her it was best she just... stay low. In another universe. While this whole thing solved itself. I even told Carlie to stick with Silk for a while because she gets lost easily and I did NOT have the bandwidth to find her.

Then Liz Allan found out what Harry did to Gwen.

She was on a date with him at the time.

Bad timing, honestly.

She absolutely lost it. Right there. In the restaurant. I heard she threw a breadstick. I choose to believe that's true.

And THEN—because this week wasn't done with me—Debra and Betty suddenly got this idea. Like, a bad one. A "let's bring Gwen back to life" kind of idea.

I said that's crazy. That's insane. That's not how things work.

Then Bobbi got involved.

And holy shit, their project worked.

Miles cried a lot. Which was sweet but also very wet and also Gwen was alive again so I guess I can't complain.

Pretty much... I don't know what to do right now. Everything happened in one week. One. Week.

Wade and I just laid low in his apartment while waiting for everyone to cool down. Relationships are messy these days, man. I'm staying out of it.

[Peter attached an image]

Image description: Peter in his Spider-Man suit, mask on, holding a green marker. Deadpool next to him in full costume, holding a red marker. They're standing on opposite sides of a whiteboard covered in handwriting, arrows, and one very dramatic sword doodle between MJ and Silver Sable.

THE CHART:

MJ ←→ Paul (dating)
MJ ←→ Paul (broke up)
MJ ←→ Felicia (formal dates)
Felicia ←→ Silver Sable (formal dates)
MJ ⚔️ Silver Sable (fighting over Felicia)

Peter's personal note: Paul gets ignored and nobody likes him.

Peter's captions (in no particular order):

📍 wade's apartment.

🕸️ Miles gets falsely accused of murder of his girlfriend, but he didn't do it. Harry did. But like. Indirectly. So nobody can really do anything about it legally, I guess?? It's a whole thing.

🕸️ I don't know how to explain it, man. I wasn't there. I was hiding in the vents.

🕸️ There was screaming, okay.

🕸️ Because MJ found out Felicia was also talking to Silver Sable, and then Silver Sable showed up to Paul's apartment where MJ was staying, and Felicia was there, and it was like a triangle but not a triangle because Paul was also there but nobody cared about Paul.

🕸️ All happened in one week. Yeah. It was like a soap opera except everyone was crying and someone threw a lamp.

🕸️ MJ threw a lamp at Paul. It was kinda sick, actually. Her form was perfect.

🕸️ I mean. I was in the vents.

🕸️ Okay, fine. I also helped Miles hide the body.

🕸️ NO NOT LIKE THAT. The police were coming and he was freaking out so I just... webbed it to the ceiling. Until things cooled down. It was Gwen's body, I wasn't gonna leave her on the floor. I have RESPECT.

🕸️ It was TEMPORARY.

🕸️ Okay but like. Does this mean my luck is fixing itself???

Update: Wade says "killing for me is his love language" and he wants to know if that's a threat or flirting. Also can someone check on Harry? I think Liz might actually kill him this time. Also Miles is doing okay but he keeps hugging Gwen every five minutes which is sweet but also weird because she keeps asking why everyone's acting like she was dead. Should I tell her she was dead? Debra and Betty said not to but Bobbi said full transparency is important for resurrection trauma and I don't know whose advice to take.

---

THE AVERAGERS CHAT LOG

——— TUESDAY, 11:47 PM ———

Tony Stark: i'm sorry i need to go back to the beginning of that text

Tony Stark: what do you mean "kill girlfriend indirectly"

Tony Stark: that's not a thing. you can't indirectly kill someone. that's just. killing someone.

Steve Rogers: Peter, are you alright? Where are you right now?

Natasha Romanoff: He's with Wade. That's already concerning.

Clint Barton: okay but can we talk about the CHART. who makes a CHART about their friends' relationship drama

Bruce Banner: Peter's brain is very organized under stress. I respect it.

Tony Stark: no we are NOT respecting the chart

Tony Stark: Peter you had a DEAD BODY on the CEILING

Peter Parker: TEMPORARILY

Peter Parker: it was respectful temporary ceiling body storage

Peter Parker: i even used the good webbing

Clint Barton: there's good webbing for dead bodies???

Peter Parker: there's good webbing for EVERYTHING clint

Thor: THE SPIDER-CHILD SPEAKS OF DEATH AND RESURRECTION AS THOUGH IT WERE A MERE TUESDAY

Peter Parker: i mean

Peter Parker: it WAS tuesday

Peter Parker: like two tuesdays ago

Natasha Romanoff: I'm going to need you to walk us through this chronologically.

Peter Parker: okay so

Peter Parker: wait

Peter Parker: first can someone check on Harry

Peter Parker: Liz was making a LOT of eye contact with the decorative candlestick

Tony Stark: harry osborn is not my problem right now peter

Peter Parker: okay but she might actually kill him and that would be like

Peter Parker: a direct kill this time

Peter Parker: and I think legally that's worse

Steve Rogers: Peter. Please start from the beginning.

Peter Parker: okay so

Peter Parker: [Peter is typing...]

Peter Parker: [Peter is typing...]

Peter Parker: okay so you know how my life is usually like a dumpster fire in a train wreck during a hurricane

Tony Stark: unfortunately yes

Peter Parker: right so

Peter Parker: for ONE WEEK

Peter Parker: the universe decided actually the dumpster fire is for everyone ELSE

Peter Parker: and i just got to WATCH

Peter Parker: from the VENTS

Peter Parker: wade's vents are very spacious by the way great ventilation

Clint Barton: why do you know about wade's vent spaciousness

Peter Parker: [Peter is typing...]

Peter Parker: anyway

Natasha Romanoff: Peter.

Peter Parker: OKAY SO

Peter Parker: miles and gwen right

Peter Parker: they're dating it's cute whatever

Peter Parker: then gwen dies

Peter Parker: well she gets killed

Peter Parker: indirectly

Peter Parker: by harry

Bruce Banner: How do you indirectly kill someone?

Peter Parker: okay so harry did something

Peter Parker: and then that something caused something else

Peter Parker: and then that something else caused gwen to die

Peter Parker: so technically

Peter Parker: legally speaking

Peter Parker: it wasn't murder it was like

Peter Parker: murder-adjacent

Peter Parker: manslaughter-adjacent-adjacent

Peter Parker: adjacent to the adjacent

Tony Stark: that's not how laws work peter

Peter Parker: i KNOW but that's what everyone keeps SAYING

Peter Parker: so miles gets accused

Peter Parker: because of course he does

Peter Parker: because the universe HATES miles

Peter Parker: actually wait no the universe hates ME

Peter Parker: the universe just has mild disdain for miles

Peter Parker: so anyway i help miles hide the body

Steve Rogers: PETER

Peter Parker: FROM THE POLICE STEVE

Peter Parker: i wasn't gonna let them take gwen's body while miles was having a full breakdown

Peter Parker: that's just common decency

Peter Parker: i webbed her to the ceiling

Peter Parker: of wade's apartment

Peter Parker: because we were already there

Peter Parker: hiding from the drama

Peter Parker: and wade was like "she's not bleeding on my good floor" and i was like "she's not bleeding at all she's dead" and he was like "even better"

Peter Parker: anyway then debra and betty showed up

Clint Barton: debra and betty.

Peter Parker: yeah they had an idea

Peter Parker: about bringing gwen back

Peter Parker: and i was like "that's crazy that's insane that's not how things work"

Peter Parker: but then bobbi got involved

Peter Parker: and she was like "well actually"

Peter Parker: and then there was SCIENCE

Peter Parker: and then gwen was alive again

Peter Parker: and miles cried a lot

Peter Parker: which was sweet but also very wet

Thor: THIS IS THE MOST MIDGARDIAN THING I HAVE EVER HEARD

Thor: YOUR REALM HAS NO RESPECT FOR THE NATURAL ORDER

Peter Parker: okay in my defense i was just hiding in the vents

Peter Parker: i wasn't IN CHARGE of the resurrection

Peter Parker: i was just there

Peter Parker: morally supporting

Peter Parker: from above

Tony Stark: you were in the vents.

Peter Parker: i was in the vents yes

Peter Parker: they're very comfortable vents tony

Peter Parker: wade has pillow in there

Natasha Romanoff: Wade Wilson has pillows in his vents.

Peter Parker: he said it's for "cozy surveillance"

Peter Parker: i don't ask questions anymore

Peter Parker: anyway so gwen's alive now

Peter Parker: which is great

Peter Parker: but now she keeps asking why everyone's acting like she was dead

Peter Parker: and debra and betty said not to tell her

Peter Parker: but bobbi said full transparency is important for resurrection trauma

Peter Parker: and i don't know who to listen to because one time debra told me eating an entire cheesecake was "self care" and bobbi told me that was "a path to early onset diabetes"

Peter Parker: so their advice track record is mixed

Steve Rogers: Peter.

Peter Parker: yeah?

Steve Rogers: Did anyone tell Gwen's parents.

Peter Parker: [Peter is typing...]

Peter Parker: okay so about that

Peter Parker: that's a tomorrow problem

Peter Parker: today problem was making sure miles didn't fight harry

Peter Parker: and also the mj situation

Peter Parker: did i get to the mj situation in the text

Peter Parker: i feel like i didn't fully explain the mj situation

Tony Stark: you put it on a CHART peter

Tony Stark: with ARROWS

Tony Stark: multiple arrows

Clint Barton: the paul note is sending me

Clint Barton: "paul gets ignored and nobody likes him"

Clint Barton: who is paul

Peter Parker: exactly

Peter Parker: nobody knows

Peter Parker: he just showed up one day

Peter Parker: and mj was dating him

Peter Parker: and we all just had to accept it

Peter Parker: like a group project where someone brings their friend who doesn't do anything

Peter Parker: and then mj found out felicia was also talking to silver sable

Peter Parker: and then silver sable showed up at paul's apartment

Peter Parker: where mj was staying

Peter Parker: and felicia was there

Peter Parker: and paul was also there

Peter Parker: but nobody cared about paul

Natasha Romanoff: Why was Felicia there?

Peter Parker: she was dating mj

Peter Parker: well they went on some dates

Peter Parker: and also felicia was dating silver sable

Peter Parker: or they were seeing each other

Peter Parker: it's unclear

Peter Parker: relationships are messy these days

Bruce Banner: And MJ threw a lamp at Paul.

Peter Parker: her form was INCREDIBLE

Peter Parker: i was in the vents

Peter Parker: i had front row seats

Peter Parker: wade gave me popcorn

Peter Parker: he had a little snack stash up there

Clint Barton: wade has a snack stash in his vents.

Peter Parker: and a pillow

Peter Parker: i told you

Peter Parker: cozy surveillance

Tony Stark: okay i need you to answer one question

Tony Stark: and i need you to be honest with me

Peter Parker: okay?

Tony Stark: did you at any point during this week

Tony Stark: leave the vents

Peter Parker: [Peter is typing...]

Peter Parker: i left to help miles with the body

Tony Stark: that doesn't count you webbed it to the ceiling

Peter Parker: okay true

Peter Parker: i left to get more snacks

Peter Parker: wade's snack stash ran out after day three

Peter Parker: we had to restock

Peter Parker: we went to that bodega on 4th

Peter Parker: the one with the cat

Peter Parker: his name is mr whiskers

Peter Parker: he's very judgmental

Peter Parker: anyway

Tony Stark: so you spent an entire week

Tony Stark: in deadpool's vents

Tony Stark: eating snacks

Tony Stark: watching your friends have the most insane relationship drama known to man

Tony Stark: while one of them was technically dead

Tony Stark: then not dead

Tony Stark: and you're telling me

Tony Stark: the universe didn't bother you

Tony Stark: ONCE

Peter Parker: [Peter is typing...]

Peter Parker: okay so

Peter Parker: here's the thing

Peter Parker: i didn't want to jinx it

Peter Parker: but yeah

Peter Parker: no one tried to kill me

Peter Parker: no buildings fell on me

Peter Parker: no villains showed up

Peter Parker: no one from another dimension tried to erase me from existence

Peter Parker: it was

Peter Parker: quiet

Peter Parker: well

Peter Parker: quiet is relative

Peter Parker: there was a lot of screaming

Peter Parker: but it wasn't MY screaming

Peter Parker: for once

Peter Parker: wade said it was because i finally "took a break from being the universe's favorite chew toy"

Peter Parker: his words not mine

Peter Parker: and then he said killing for him is his love language

Peter Parker: and i don't know if that's a threat or flirting

Peter Parker: can someone help me with that

Peter Parker: actually never mind i don't want to know

Steve Rogers: Peter. I'm glad you had a week where nothing terrible happened to you specifically.

Steve Rogers: But you need to tell me you're okay.

Peter Parker: i'm okay steve

Peter Parker: i'm actually

Peter Parker: i think i'm good

Peter Parker: wade made sure i ate

Peter Parker: and slept

Peter Parker: well i slept in the vents

Peter Parker: but i slept

Peter Parker: and we watched a lot of terrible reality tv

Peter Parker: and he didn't even make fun of me when i cried during that one episode of great british bake off

Peter Parker: the one where the guy dropped his cake

Peter Parker: you know the one

Bruce Banner: I know the one.

Peter Parker: anyway

Peter Parker: i think my luck might be fixing itself

Peter Parker: like maybe the universe finally got bored

Peter Parker: or maybe wade's vents are like a pocket dimension where bad things can't find me

Peter Parker: either way

Peter Parker: it was nice

Peter Parker: to just

Peter Parker: watch

Peter Parker: and not have to fix everything

Peter Parker: for once

Tony Stark: [Tony Stark is typing...]

Tony Stark: kid

Tony Stark: i'm glad you had a break

Tony Stark: but you know you can come here right

Tony Stark: you don't have to hide in deadpool's ventilation system to get away from things

Tony Stark: i have guest rooms

Tony Stark: with doors

Tony Stark: and no dead bodies on the ceiling

Peter Parker: yeah but

Peter Parker: wade had popcorn

Peter Parker: and also i don't think the universe would leave me alone if i was at the tower

Peter Parker: the universe knows where the tower is

Peter Parker: the universe doesn't know where wade's vents are

Peter Parker: i think the universe is scared of wade's apartment honestly

Peter Parker: have you seen his bathroom

Peter Parker: i think even cosmic entities have standards

Natasha Romanoff: That's fair.

Clint Barton: okay wait we got sidetracked

Clint Barton: what happened with harry

Clint Barton: you said liz might kill him

Peter Parker: oh right

Peter Parker: so liz found out about the whole gwen situation

Peter Parker: and she was on a date with harry

Peter Parker: and she just

Peter Parker: lost it

Peter Parker: right there

Peter Parker: in the restaurant

Peter Parker: she threw her drink at him

Peter Parker: and then the glass

Peter Parker: and then the bread basket

Peter Parker: and then she tried to stab him with a breadstick

Peter Parker: which is honestly impressive

Peter Parker: breadsticks are not sharp

Peter Parker: but she made it work

Peter Parker: wade was very proud

Peter Parker: he said "that's my energy right there"

Peter Parker: and then harry ran

Peter Parker: and liz chased him

Peter Parker: through the restaurant

Peter Parker: and out into the street

Peter Parker: and i think she might still be chasing him

Peter Parker: i haven't checked

Peter Parker: someone should check

Thor: THIS IS THE MOST ENTERTAINING THING I HAVE HEARD IN CENTURIES

Thor: THE SPIDER-CHILD'S FRIENDS LIVE IN A CONSTANT STATE OF CHAOS

Thor: IT IS LIKE ASGARDIAN THEATER BUT WITH MORE LAMPS

Peter Parker: there was only one lamp

Thor: ONE LAMP IS STILL MORE THAN ASGARDIAN THEATER

Tony Stark: okay everyone stop

Tony Stark: peter

Tony Stark: you said wade said killing is his love language

Peter Parker: yeah

Tony Stark: and you don't know if that's a threat or flirting

Peter Parker: correct

Tony Stark: with wade

Tony Stark: it's both

Peter Parker: oh

Peter Parker: okay

Peter Parker: that's

Peter Parker: that's fine

Peter Parker: i'm fine with that

Peter Parker: i think

Peter Parker: wait

Peter Parker: is that fine

Natasha Romanoff: Peter.

Peter Parker: yeah?

Natasha Romanoff: Do you want it to be flirting?

Peter Parker: [Peter is typing...]

Peter Parker: i

Peter Parker: i mean

Peter Parker: he had pillows in his vents

Peter Parker: for me

Peter Parker: specifically

Peter Parker: he said "i put these here for when you inevitably need to hide from your problems"

Peter Parker: and he had my favorite snacks

Peter Parker: and he didn't even try to kill anyone

Peter Parker: well

Peter Parker: he didn't try to kill anyone that didn't deserve it

Peter Parker: there was one guy

Peter Parker: but he was being really loud outside the apartment at 3am

Peter Parker: and wade said "that's disrespectful to people who are trying to emotionally recover"

Peter Parker: and then he went outside

Peter Parker: and the guy wasn't loud anymore

Peter Parker: so

Peter Parker: i think it was flirting

Peter Parker: maybe

Peter Parker: i don't know

Peter Parker: relationships are messy

Steve Rogers: Peter.

Steve Rogers: When this is over

Steve Rogers: When Gwen is adjusted to being alive again

Steve Rogers: And Miles stops crying every five minutes

Steve Rogers: And MJ and Felicia and Silver Sable figure out whatever is happening there

Steve Rogers: And Liz either kills Harry or doesn't

Steve Rogers: I want you to come to the tower

Steve Rogers: And we're going to talk about this

Steve Rogers: And also about the fact that you have a designated hiding spot in someone's ventilation system

Steve Rogers: Because that's not a long-term solution

Peter Parker: but the vents are really comfortable

Steve Rogers: Peter.

Peter Parker: okay fine

Peter Parker: but can wade come

Peter Parker: he has to know i'm safe

Peter Parker: otherwise he'll "go feral" and i don't know what that means but it sounded scary

Tony Stark: wade can come

Tony Stark: but he's not allowed to bring any weapons

Tony Stark: or talk about killing as a love language

Tony Stark: or show up in the vents

Tony Stark: we don't have vents in the guest rooms actually

Tony Stark: we have heating like normal people

Peter Parker: oh

Peter Parker: okay

Peter Parker: i'll let him know

Peter Parker: he's gonna be disappointed about the vents though

Peter Parker: he really liked the vent thing

Natasha Romanoff: Of course he did.

Peter Parker: okay i gotta go

Peter Parker: miles is calling me

Peter Parker: he said gwen is asking too many questions

Peter Parker: and also liz just showed up at the apartment

Peter Parker: and she's still holding a breadstick

Peter Parker: i don't know where she got another breadstick

Peter Parker: but she has one

Peter Parker: and harry is also there

Peter Parker: somehow

Peter Parker: i don't know why he's there

Peter Parker: he should not be there

Peter Parker: anyway i'll update you later

Peter Parker: if i survive

Peter Parker: haha

Peter Parker: that's a joke

Peter Parker: mostly

Peter Parker: wade says hi

Peter Parker: he also says "your vents are inferior stark and i will die on this hill"

Tony Stark: tell wade he's not allowed to die on any hills in my tower

Peter Parker: he said "that's fair i'll die on peter's hill instead"

Peter Parker: i don't know what that means

Peter Parker: okay i really gotta go

Peter Parker: miles is crying again

Peter Parker: and gwen is asking why she's wearing the same clothes from two weeks ago

Peter Parker: this is fine

Peter Parker: everything is fine

Peter Parker: [Peter Parker has left the chat]

Tony Stark: ...

Steve Rogers: ...

Natasha Romanoff: I'm going to check on them.

Clint Barton: can you record it

Natasha Romanoff: No.

Clint Barton: okay but can you at least describe it in detail later

Natasha Romanoff: ...Maybe.

Thor: I WOULD ALSO LIKE DETAILED ACCOUNTS

Thor: THIS IS BETTER THAN MIDGARDIAN TELEVISION

Bruce Banner: I'm just glad Peter had one week where nothing happened to him.

Bruce Banner: Even if everything happened around him.

Tony Stark: yeah

Tony Stark: okay but can we talk about the chart again

Tony Stark: who puts a dead body on a chart

Clint Barton: tony let it go

Tony Stark: i will never let it go

Tony Stark: "temporary respectful ceiling body storage" is going on his tombstone

Tony Stark: if he ever dies

Tony Stark: which he won't

Tony Stark: because i'll kill him first

Tony Stark: for putting a dead body on a chart

Steve Rogers: Tony.

Tony Stark: what

Steve Rogers: That's not how you show someone you care about them.

Tony Stark: tell that to wade

Tony Stark: killing is his love language apparently

Tony Stark: i'm just adapting

Natasha Romanoff: I hate all of you.

Natasha Romanoff: I'm going to go make sure Liz doesn't actually kill Harry with a breadstick.

Natasha Romanoff: And also find out what happened to Paul.

Clint Barton: oh right paul

Clint Barton: what DID happen to paul

Natasha Romanoff: I don't know.

Natasha Romanoff: But I'm going to find out.

Natasha Romanoff: Because unlike everyone else in this chat

Natasha Romanoff: I have questions.

Tony Stark: i have questions

Tony Stark: my questions are just about the chart

Steve Rogers: Tony.

Tony Stark: AND THE VENTS

Tony Stark: WHY DOES DEADPOOL HAVE PILLOWS IN HIS VENTS

Tony Stark: HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN PREPARING FOR PETER TO HIDE THERE

Tony Stark: IS THAT ROMANTIC OR CONCERNING

Clint Barton: it's wade

Clint Barton: it's both

Tony Stark: [Tony Stark is typing...]

Tony Stark: that's what i said about the flirting thing

Tony Stark: i'm right about everything

Tony Stark: someone put that on my tombstone

Steve Rogers: No one is putting anything on anyone's tombstone.

Steve Rogers: We're all going to be fine.

Steve Rogers: Peter is fine.

Steve Rogers: His friends are mostly fine.

Steve Rogers: Gwen is alive again.

Steve Rogers: Everything is fine.

Natasha Romanoff: Liz just threw the breadstick at Harry.

Natasha Romanoff: It hit him in the eye.

Natasha Romanoff: He's fine.

Natasha Romanoff: But she's yelling about how she "didn't sign up for being in a CW show."

Clint Barton: incredible

Thor: WHAT IS A CW SHOW

Bruce Banner: You don't want to know.

Thor: I FEEL I DO WANT TO KNOW

Bruce Banner: Trust me.

Tony Stark: okay i'm going to go build something

Tony Stark: to process

Tony Stark: maybe a vent

Tony Stark: with pillows

Tony Stark: just to see what the hype is about

Steve Rogers: Tony.

Tony Stark: i'm joking

Tony Stark: mostly

Tony Stark: [Tony Stark is typing...]

Tony Stark: okay i'm actually going to build a vent

Tony Stark: for research

Tony Stark: shut up

Steve Rogers: I didn't say anything.

Tony Stark: you were thinking it

Steve Rogers: I was thinking many things.

Steve Rogers: The vent thing wasn't in the top five.

Tony Stark: what was in the top five

Steve Rogers: 1. How Peter made a chart about his friends' relationship drama while hiding in a vent.
Steve Rogers: 2. Why Miles was the one accused of killing Gwen when Harry did it "indirectly."
Steve Rogers: 3. What "indirectly" actually means in this context.
Steve Rogers: 4. Who Paul is and why no one cares about him.
Steve Rogers: 5. Why I have to explain to Gwen's parents that their daughter was dead for a week and then brought back to life by Debra and Betty from accounting.

Tony Stark: ...debra and betty are from accounting???

Steve Rogers: I don't know. Peter said "Debra and Betty" like I was supposed to know who they are.

Clint Barton: i think they're from the bugle

Clint Barton: or something

Clint Barton: peter knows a lot of people named debra and betty

Bruce Banner: Debra Whitman and Betty Brant.

Bruce Banner: Former Bugle employees.

Bruce Banner: Not from accounting.

Bruce Banner: Technically.

Tony Stark: this is the most information we've gotten all night

Tony Stark: bruce came through with the lore

Bruce Banner: I read Peter's reports.

Bruce Banner: Someone has to.

Tony Stark: okay i'm actually going to build the vent now

Tony Stark: don't wait up

Tony Stark: [Tony Stark has left the chat]

Steve Rogers: ...

Clint Barton: should we be concerned about tony building a vent

Steve Rogers: It's Tony.

Steve Rogers: It's always concerning.

Natasha Romanoff: Update: Liz has stopped yelling.

Natasha Romanoff: She's crying now.

Natasha Romanoff: Harry is also crying.

Natasha Romanoff: Miles is crying.

Natasha Romanoff: Gwen is confused.

Natasha Romanoff: MJ and Felicia are arguing in the corner.

Natasha Romanoff: Silver Sable is standing there looking like she regrets every decision that led to this moment.

Natasha Romanoff: Paul is in the kitchen making coffee.

Natasha Romanoff: No one is drinking the coffee.

Natasha Romanoff: I'm drinking the coffee.

Natasha Romanoff: It's terrible.

Natasha Romanoff: Paul made it.

Clint Barton: amazing

Thor: I WISH TO BE THERE

Thor: THIS SOUNDS LIKE A FEAST OF EMOTIONS

Natasha Romanoff: It's not a feast, Thor.

Natasha Romanoff: It's an apartment full of crying people and terrible coffee.

Natasha Romanoff: Peter is back.

Natasha Romanoff: He came in through the window.

Natasha Romanoff: He's in the vents again.

Natasha Romanoff: He brought Wade.

Natasha Romanoff: They have more snacks.

Natasha Romanoff: Wade is narrating everything like it's a nature documentary.

Natasha Romanoff: "Here we see the mourning spider in his natural habitat, tears streaming down his face as he clings to his resurrected mate. Truly, a miracle of modern science and several questionable life choices."

Natasha Romanoff: Miles threw a pillow at him.

Natasha Romanoff: It hit Peter instead.

Natasha Romanoff: Peter said "I'm not even involved in this" and then ate a chip.

Clint Barton: this is the best night of my life

Steve Rogers: I need to go to bed.

Steve Rogers: Before I say something I regret.

Steve Rogers: Like asking for more updates.

Clint Barton: i'm asking for more updates

Clint Barton: natasha please continue

Natasha Romanoff: No.

Natasha Romanoff: I'm turning off my phone.

Natasha Romanoff: If anyone dies, text Steve.

Natasha Romanoff: [Natasha Romanoff has left the chat]

Clint Barton: she's not actually turning off her phone

Clint Barton: she's just done with us

Steve Rogers: That's fair.

Thor: I SHALL ALSO RETIRE

Thor: BUT FIRST

Thor: I WISH TO KNOW IF PAUL IS STILL MAKING COFFEE

Steve Rogers: Thor.

Thor: WHAT

Thor: THE MAN'S DEDICATION TO COFFEE DESERVES RECOGNITION

Thor: EVEN IF NO ONE DRINKS IT

Steve Rogers: Goodnight, Thor.

Thor: GOODNIGHT, CAPTAIN

Thor: MAY YOUR DREAMS BE FREE OF CHARTS AND CEILING BODIES

Steve Rogers: [Steve Rogers has left the chat]

Clint Barton: ...

Clint Barton: bruce you still here

Bruce Banner: Unfortunately.

Clint Barton: do you think peter's okay

Bruce Banner: I think Peter spent a week in Deadpool's vents eating snacks and watching his friends have the most chaotic interpersonal drama in recorded history.

Bruce Banner: And for the first time in his life, none of it was his problem.

Bruce Banner: I think he's probably better than he's been in years.

Clint Barton: yeah

Clint Barton: that makes sense

Clint Barton: okay i'm gonna go

Clint Barton: tell peter i said hi

Clint Barton: and that his chart was beautiful

Clint Barton: and that i support him and wade

Clint Barton: whatever that is

Bruce Banner: I'll tell him.

Clint Barton: [Clint Barton has left the chat]

Bruce Banner: ...

Bruce Banner: [Bruce Banner has left the chat]

——— WADE'S VENTS, 1:23 AM ———

Peter Parker: hey wade

Deadpool: yeah baby boy?

Peter Parker: tony said he's building a vent

Peter Parker: with pillows

Peter Parker: to see what the hype is about

Deadpool: oh no

Deadpool: is he trying to compete with me

Deadpool: does he think he can offer superior vent accommodations

Deadpool: because i will NOT be out-vented by a man who thinks the color scheme of his tower is "sophisticated"

Peter Parker: it's not a competition

Deadpool: EVERYTHING IS A COMPETITION

Deadpool: especially when it comes to providing you with optimal hiding spots

Deadpool: i had those vents custom-made

Deadpool: the pillows are memory foam

Deadpool: i measured the airflow

Deadpool: i have a snack rotation schedule

Deadpool: stark can't compete with that

Peter Parker: okay

Peter Parker: okay that's

Peter Parker: that's really sweet actually

Deadpool: ...did you just call me sweet

Deadpool: i have a reputation peter

Deadpool: i kill people

Deadpool: i'm scary

Deadpool: i'm the merc with a mouth not the merc with a heart

Peter Parker: you have both

Peter Parker: that's why i like you

Deadpool: ...

Deadpool: okay i'm going to pretend you didn't say that so i don't have an emotion

Deadpool: but also

Deadpool: i'm putting more pillows in the vents

Deadpool: just in case

Peter Parker: okay

Peter Parker: hey wade

Deadpool: yeah?

Peter Parker: thanks for letting me hide here

Peter Parker: for the whole week

Peter Parker: i know it was a lot

Deadpool: peter

Deadpool: you can hide here anytime

Deadpool: forever

Deadpool: i mean

Deadpool: not in a weird way

Deadpool: okay maybe a little weird

Deadpool: but like

Deadpool: good weird

Deadpool: the kind of weird where someone cares about you enough to put memory foam pillows in their ventilation system

Deadpool: because they know you need a place to go when the world gets too loud

Peter Parker: that's

Peter Parker: wade

Peter Parker: i

Peter Parker: [Peter is typing...]

Peter Parker: [Peter is typing...]

Peter Parker: can we talk about the flirting thing later

Peter Parker: when there's less

Peter Parker: everything

Deadpool: yeah

Deadpool: we can talk about it

Deadpool: whenever you're ready

Deadpool: i'm not going anywhere

Peter Parker: okay

Peter Parker: good

Peter Parker: that's good

Deadpool: hey peter

Peter Parker: yeah?

Deadpool: do you think miles is gonna be okay

Peter Parker: i think so

Peter Parker: gwen's alive

Peter Parker: that's the important part

Peter Parker: everything else is just

Peter Parker: details

Deadpool: like the lamp

Peter Parker: like the lamp

Deadpool: that was a good lamp throw though

Peter Parker: her form WAS perfect

Deadpool: i'm gonna teach her how to throw knives

Peter Parker: please don't

Deadpool: too late i already texted her

Peter Parker: wade

Deadpool: what she said yes

Deadpool: she's gonna be so good at it

Peter Parker: okay you know what

Peter Parker: i'm not dealing with that right now

Peter Parker: i'm going to sleep

Peter Parker: in your vent

Peter Parker: on your memory foam pillows

Peter Parker: with my snacks

Peter Parker: because this is my hiding spot now

Peter Parker: apparently

Deadpool: always was baby boy

Deadpool: always was

Peter Parker: goodnight wade

Deadpool: goodnight peter

Deadpool: [Deadpool has set his status to: Protecting the Vent]

Deadpool: [Deadpool has set his status to: Also the Person Inside It]

Deadpool: [Deadpool has set his status to: Sweetly. Violently. Both.]

---