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Yamaguchi blinked his sore eyes, his contacts still pooling in his irises and his eyelids sore from the incessant rubbing. Had it been an hour? Maybe two? He really couldn’t tell anymore.
With a weak wrist, he folded over yet another page of his biology book. The words were jumbled and messy as he read, more and more information losing its value the longer it took Tadashi to succumb to his tiredness.
He was just so behind.
There was an exam tomorrow. There were exams all week, actually. Important ones. However, Tadashi couldn’t focus on anything new for the life of him. His brain was constantly firing questions at him; what was the function of that again? Wait–what year did that happen? Was there a second name for this? Etcetera, etcetera.
Tadashi knows he’s not incredibly smart. He’s never been completely stupid—but he’s never been a prodigy, either. There was always someone better, someone smarter. That was made even clearer when he had to leave school for a bit.
Comparison was all Tadashi knew. And the numbers on his tests served as reminders of that. You worked hard and it didn’t show again, just how pathetic are you? They did better - I bet they didn’t even study, too.
It’s exhausting, seeing your efforts go to waste like that. He’d tried everything—every revision technique, every lofi soundtrack, every colour of highlighter.
He was beginning to believe that he really was just what his old friends had called him. Stupid.
They laughed at him every time he got an obviously easy question wrong. They didn’t mean any harm by it, but it dug into Tadashi’s conscience deep. So that every time he wasn’t working, he felt terrible about it. He felt guilty for taking a break, going to get something to eat, playing volleyball. Because he was underserving of it.
Maybe if he worked harder, he would’ve remembered that fact. Maybe if he practiced more of those questions, he would’ve gotten 100%. Maybe if he was better, he would’ve scored higher.
Because it seems, no matter how hard he tries—it’s futile.
So why does he try so hard?
Because he wants to be better, desperately so. He craves the praise of his parents, his teachers, his friends. He craves feeling validated, feeling like he was born for a reason. If he can’t be pretty, he has to be good at sports or smart. He’s not good at sports, nor is he pretty, so he has to be smart. If he can’t be smart, he just has to be..
Something.
And yet, he’s nothing.
“Tadashi,” Kei’s voice suddenly called, “you okay?”
Tadashi jumped in turn. “Huh? Oh, yeah..” he scratched the back of his neck, “just.. tired, Tsukki.”
Kei was laid flat on Tadashi’s bed, a Socrates book in his hands and his blonde hair framing his slim face flawlessly. He looked way too good to be in such a casual position and, like always, Tadashi hushed the part of him that resented him for it.
Kei planted his book down beside him and shifted so he was sat on the edge of the mattress, his feet touching the floor. “You need a break. You know it’s only the mock exam, right? It’s just to see where you’re at,” he reminded.
Easy for you to say.
“I know. But you know I haven’t been happy with my test scores for ages now, and I just—“ Tadashi paused. “…I just need to know I tried my best on this one.”
“Trying your best isn’t exhausting yourself, Tadashi.”
Kei dropped to the floor where Tadashi was seated, moving the disarrayed piles of notes and pens. “You’ll do worse on the exam if you burn yourself out like this,” he spoke calmly.
Tadashi didn’t say anything for a while.
He knew what Kei was saying was true, more than true—a fact Kei had learned and experienced himself. And yet, Tadashi’s attempts at focusing didn’t cease.
Kei huffed. “Okay, thats it.”
Suddenly, he forced away all the books and stationary to one side.
“Tsuk—“
Then he moved Tadashi to sit in front of him. The two faced each other.
He placed his hands firmly on both of Tadashi’s shoulders, “I can’t watch you like this anymore. I know you’re not doing as well as you want, but— Tadashi...” Kei sighed, “you missed a year of school. And I’m not saying you shouldn’t have, but it’s gonna have some effect on what you don’t know. It’s okay to not understand everything right now. It’s okay to not be quite as good as everybody else, okay? Nobody expects you to be.”
Tadashi felt the dam break immediately.
Tears burst through his sleepy eyes, hiccups blocked his throat as he muttered, “Tsu— Tsukki.. I’m just so tired. I don’t— I can’t do this anymore..”
He fell to Kei’s chest, letting his arms flop beside him miserably while he soaked Tsukki’s shirt with his sobs.
Kei stroked and platted his tangled hair, the hypnotic rhythm of his hands on Tadashi’s head forcing him to rest his weary eyes.
“..I’m so mad at everybody.” Kei mumbled after a couple of quiet minutes.
Tadashi sniffled, “why?”
“For making you feel like this. Like you’re not enough. They don’t deserve the effort you put in, Tadashi.”
Meekly, Tadashi laughed through his cries. “We should just run away together, Tsukki. Go to.. Canada or something,” he shrugged.
“I hear the poutine is exquisite,” Kei chuckled. “You wouldn’t last a day in the cold.”
“Says you!” Tadashi scoffed, “you wear thermal tights every winter..”
“They’re leggings!”
Tadashi broke into laughter. His watery eyes still spilled, but he didn’t feel as bad anymore. Maybe it was how Kei comforted him through it all, maybe he’d decided he really had done enough, maybe he’d finally decided it was okay if he needed a break.There’s no point in being the greatest if you aren’t the happiest. What’s pride, in the face of joy? What’s a test score, in the face of laughing with your friends? They’re irrelevant. Try your best, and if you’re best isn’t as good as you want it—just keep trying. But don’t ever punish yourself for your own unreachable standards.
You’re not running out of time, your only limit is the clock you set yourself.
Tadashi shuffled closer into Kei’s chest, “..thank you, Tsukki.”
“Anytime, Tadashi. But promise me you’ll relax with the studying for the next couple of exams.”
“I promise.” He exhaled, “..I’m too tired, anyway.”
Kei hummed. “You wanna sleep?”
“In a bit, I just wanna lay here.”
“Okay.”