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"So, which one of you is the frog and which one's the pig?" Floyd Pepper followed up his question with a wheezing laugh, like he'd said something really clever. Walter tried not to draw back too visibly or scrunch his face too deeply. He should've gotten used to the question by now, but every time he heard it he just felt more perplexed.
Scooter, thankfully, handled it more gracefully. "We don't believe in strict roles, we're equal partners: he does the whistling and I hold the clipboard."
That made Floyd and Dr. Teeth laugh, as well as a couple other nearby Muppets. Walter tried to chuckle along.
Truthfully, he was starting to feel a little frayed at the edges. It wasn't as if Kermit and Miss Piggy were the only other Muppet couple. Normally, he would've been so thrilled to be compared to either one of them in any capacity; he couldn't identify exactly why this bothered him, and unfortunately that only made him feel more bothered.
He kept his tone gentle and polite, however, as he attempted to verbalize his swirling thoughts. "It's kinda funny how everyone asks us that. I mean, why doesn't anyone want to know who's the chicken and who's the whatever?"
He probably should have known better than to say that, as many Muppet episodes as he'd seen; Gonzo appeared at his elbow with a whooshing sound.
"Walter, you read my mind!"
"Well, it's a less interesting question," Scooter shrugged.
Gonzo's eyes bugged. "Less interesting?!"
Scooter wiggled his head back and forth in an almost but not quite apologetic way. "Sure. Think about it: frog and pig could go either way, but it's pretty obvious which of us is the chicken and which is the whatever."
Gonzo looked Scooter up and down, then shrugged. "Good point."
Walter did not find it obvious at all, and wanted very badly to ask who was which, but he also didn't want to start a whole new trend of everyone asking who was the chicken and who was the whatever. He just wanted to drop Scooter off at Kermit's desk and get to the costume room. He gave a laugh that he hoped didn't sound too nervous, and tried to gently usher Scooter onwards.
Of course, they didn't get far before running into Fozzie and Rowlf.
"Congratulations!"
"Thanks, Fozzie," they said almost in unison. Scooter's hand tightened around his, and he leaned against him to show he appreciated the extra closeness.
"You make a very handsome couple," said Rowlf. "It does beg one question, though."
"When's the wedding?"
"No, not that question, Fozzie."
"Oh," Fozzie looked confused, and was turned partially to Rowlf with an uncertain side-eye as he asked shyly, "How many kids?"
Walter's mouth fell open. Perhaps there were worse things they could be dealing with than the Frog or Pig Debate.
"Not that one either. The only question it immediately begs is which one's the frog and which one's the pig?"
No matter what answer was given, Rowlf and Fozzie were going to laugh as if they were doing a bit together, Walter could tell. Scooter would probably laugh with them.
Thankfully, right then Kermit showed up. "That's a very reductive view, you know."
Walter felt a swell of relief and gratitude. Kermit had identified the problem in a single word; the frog or pig question tried to shrink his and Scooter's relationship into a single type of dynamic. One which, he felt pretty sure, was actually unique to Kermit and Piggy. He was glad to hear someone else was bothered, and he wasn't just crazy.
"Oh?" Rowlf looked decently meek.
"Mm hmm," Kermit nodded with a gentle firmness. "Not every relationship has to have a frog and a pig."
Scooter gave a rapid little nod, and Walter shot him a look of admiration. He'd known, of course, that Scooter didn't really see their relationship that way, but that one little nod felt like solid ground beneath his feet.
Fozzie put his hand to his mouth and widened his eyes apologetically. "Oh, we didn't mean that."
"Sorry about that," Rowlf said sincerely. Walter gave them both a shrug and a small smile. Of course they hadn't meant anything by it. They were just expressing interest in their friends' lives in the ways they knew how.
"Besides," Kermit straightened himself up, pride creeping into his tone. "It's obvious they're both the frog."
Walter felt his heart soar at the idea of anyone seeing a bit of Kermit in him, especially the frog himself. He knew they all saw it in Scooter, it was plain as day. He was responsible, gentle but firm, had a beautiful singing voice. They even had a similar sense of humor.
"Oh, that's true," Fozzie was saying with an over-exaggerated air of finally making sense of things. "Because Scooter is bossy and witty and Walter is goodhearted and does that thing with his arms when he gets excited."
Walter's feelings about being called a frog changed fractionally at that description.
Rowlf, however, disagreed. "Sometimes they can both be the pig."
Fozzie and Kermit both looked startled. "Like when?" Kermit pressed.
"Like last week when they almost broke the piano saying hello."
Walter didn't know whether to laugh at the memory, which was honestly delightful, or to be mortified because they had almost broken the piano.
Scooter nodded. "Yeah, and we both have great hair." He paused as if for a laugh track, and then leaned towards Kermit. "You don't have any hair."
Kermit scrunched his face impressively. Scooter appeared totally unrepentant. Walter tried not to gape; back on the Muppet Show, especially in the early seasons, he'd certainly seen the sassy side of his boyfriend before. However, in the time since they'd met, with so much work to do putting two movies together, it wasn't common for him to let that show.
And it was far more flustering in person, Walter was realizing all at once.
"Ah, he makes a good point, head hair is definitely a pig trait. Not like us dogs and bears who keep it all over, where it belongs."
"So are we both pigs?" Walter heard himself ask, and then wondered if he'd asked because he wanted to know or because it wasn't quite in character for Fozzie and Kermit to ask and somebody had to keep the story going. He felt a strange pride in the thought. The show, or fanfiction or whatever the case may be, must go on.
"I think we take turns," Scooter said reasonably. "It's like Kermit said: not every relationship needs a frog and a pig, and not every person has to be only a frog or only a pig."
Walter nodded thoughtfully, eyes fixed on Scooter. He felt as if he were learning a deeper level of his boyfriend's personality, and suddenly it didn't matter so much to him what the other Muppets thought--even Kermit.
"Some Muppets are dogs or bears or chickens or whatevers," he said neutrally, hoping to prompt a little more discussion.
"Yeah, and, you know," Scooter shrugged his head back and forth, seeming, for the first time, a bit nervous. "Some of us might be different things in different situations."
Thinking of Scooter taking charge when it was needed, blending into the background when it was appropriate, using gentleness and shameless manipulation in equal measure at different and sometimes the same moment, Walter felt his heart soar even more than it had when Kermit called them frogs. He put a hand on his shoulder, trying to convey with touch how extremely okay it was for Scooter not to be sure whether he was a frog or a pig.
"As long as you bring me into those situations with you," he said possessively, and then, before he could second guess himself, he kissed Scooter on the lips, right in front of their boss and anyone else with eyes who happened to be around.
The second guessing began immediately, and he hurried off to work on costumes, leaving Scooter wide-eyed and blushing without looking back.
He did, however, listen back long enough to hear Fozzie say in amazement, "Maybe Walter is the pig."
And this time, it made him smile, without having to force it at all.