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Jeongguk was being purposely slow again. He was in the midst of putting the last of his things into his locker and making sure he had all of his homework in his bag. It took way longer than it should because he double checked every single book and generally used the pace of a snail. For many people the last class of the day had just ended, and they were now hurrying home. A few people stayed to talk, but the crowded hallway was thinning out nonetheless.
Just as he put the last notebook in his locker, someone yelled from a few meters away: “Jeonggukie!” The shout came from Hoseok, who was walking towards him in quick tempo with Taehyung at his side. Jeongguk waved in greeting and finally closed his locker as the two others reached him.
“Hey. You’re off now, right? What are your plans?” asked Taehyung.
Jeongguk shrugged. “Yes, I am. I’m going home. I’ll probably play some FIFA. You?”
Taehyung sighed. “My grandmother is picking me up, we’re going to the city to buy some new pillows. But she’s going to be a bit late, because someone had parked their car in front of hers and she couldn’t get it out. She’ll probably be here in ten minutes. Will you guys wait with me?”
“Sure,” both Jeongguk and Hoseok agreed easily, but Hoseok followed it up with: “I have to go in like five minutes though. I have dance practice.”
They started talking about how that was going; Hoseok had made it onto a higher-leveled team recently, and was still adjusting, but he thought it was great, albeit difficult and exhausting. Jeongguk wasn’t completely paying attention to the conversation however. He was busy watching the person who had just arrived at the locker across from his.
It was a boy, a bit older than Jeongguk, whose name was Min Yoongi. He got off at the same time as Jeongguk did on Thursdays, but for some reason he always arrived a bit late at his locker – hence why Jeongguk had to stall. Jeongguk admired the other’s back, clad in a leather jacket, muscles moving slightly as he opened his locker. Jeongguk could see the moment he froze, the moment his movements stilled to halt. Then he picked something up, apparently as shocked and in awe as the first time it had happened. Jeongguk could faintly see the note in his hand over his shoulder, a note with a familiar handwriting.
The note said ‘Look behind the painting.’ Jeongguk knew that because it was he himself who wrote it. He also knew that he didn’t have to specify which painting; there was a painting in the school that covered a hollowed part of the wall that used to be a window. Everyone knew about the indentation in the wall, and sometimes hid things there. But seeing as it was so well-known, Jeongguk was lucky that Yoongi found the note so quickly. Someone could easily check to see if anything was behind the wall and take the potato chips Jengguk had placed there. But Jeongguk figured the chips were safe; most people were either in class or on their way home.
Yoongi’s eyes began taking in the people still in the hallway, supposedly checking to see if anyone was watching for his reaction – exactly like Jeongguk was doing. Jeongguk hurriedly focused his attention back on his prior conversation, ignoring the way Yoongi’s eyes bore holes in the back of his head, and the way own his heart rate picked up.
In the end Yoongi gave up, as he always did, packed up and went home after a small detour. By then Hoseok had already left, and Taehyung had just received a message from his grandmother informing him that she was waiting for him outside. Jeongguk left then with Taehyung, on his way home, for some reason feeling a little bit lighter when remembering the small smile he had spotted on Yoongi’s lips as he walked towards the hallway with the painting on it.
(Jeongguk had overheard Yoongi telling Namjoon that he was craving for some specific chips earlier that week. It was some potato chips you could only get in Japan, and Jeongguk just so happened to have them at home from the last time his aunt when on a trip there).
-
Most of Jeongguk’s friends thought he was bad at relationships. Although true, Jeongguk did think they were putting it too simply.
Jeongguk had been in a few relationships within the last few years. They never lasted long; his longest relationship had been three weeks. Jeongguk always told his friends they just didn’t work out – which they teased him about immensely. But ‘not working out’ was only part of the story.
Take his last boyfriend. Yejoon was a cute boy that Jeongguk had had a crush on for half a year before they started dating. Jeongguk hadn’t been sure the other liked him back, but they had become friends due to a class project. The other boy had seemed interested, and if Jeongguk was honest, he wasn’t surprised when Yejoon asked him out. Jeongguk should have been ecstatic, he knew he should.
Only he wasn’t. In fact, as soon as he got home later that day, he started feeling nauseous, nervous; he could barely eat anything. Going on a date seemed like the worst possible outcome. Although, if he thought about it objectively it didn’t sound so bad – it sounded nice even. Especially if he didn’t think of it as a date, just another day they were going to hang out. The boy was nice after all, and a good friend.
But Jeongguk couldn’t get over the nausea, and despite the date going well, he really didn’t want to do it a second time. So he didn’t.
And that’s how all of his relationships went. Once it was possible for his feelings to go somewhere, when it was obvious they were reciprocated, his feelings disappeared. Not only did they disappear, but he got an unexplainable, irrational urge to run every time he was supposed to see his significant other. And that was enough to make any relationship very awkward.
Unfortunately for Jeongguk, he had a habit of falling in love very easily. And every time, he started daydreaming about dating the object of his affections, thinking about them constantly. While it did give him something to pass the time, it was also a nuisance, because he knew he would regret it if he tried to pursue a relationship. So that was why this time, he had decided he wouldn’t.
But he did want to see Yoongi smile, and he wanted to make Yoongi smile. And how did he go about that without giving his feelings away? He posed as a secret admirer (well, which he technically was). Liking someone from afar was actually very fulfilling, Jeongguk found, especially seeing as Yoongi never seemed to date anyone (which meant that Jeongguk didn’t get jealous from seeing him with someone else, but could continue his daydreaming about dating Yoongi someday).
It had started small, the secret admiring, a little note saying ‘The new hair suits you’. Mostly because Yoongi had just dyed his hair, and it was around that time that Jeongguk first started noticing him. (Upon seeing the note Yoongi had looked up and around the hallway, with a confused smile-ish expression on his face, intrigued even, trying to find the one who put it there. Jeongguk had watched him discreetly over the top of a book he was pretending to read in, and luckily enough didn’t get caught. Jeongguk was pretty sure Yoongi had then dialed his friend Jimin, asking him if he was pulling a trick on him or if he’d actually been in love with him all this time and too much of a coward to tell him. Yoongi didn’t sound like he believed Jimin’s answer in negative).
It hadn’t turned into a much bigger thing since then, which was a few months ago, but it happened more often now. Jeongguk had to wreck his brain to find come up with new things; he didn’t think he was so inventive, but as long as it made Yoongi smile, Jeongguk was happy.
If Jeongguk was honest he was kind of confused about his romantic orientation. He did somewhat identify as lithromantic, but sometimes he thought that maybe just romance-repulsion would be more accurate. Because he wasn’t completely certain that his feelings did go away when they were returned, or if it was just the romance itself that freaked him out when it happened, because he didn’t want it to be anything but a daydream in the first place. Often he was semi-aware of the other person liking him back before any romance was initiated. But he knew that more often than not he stopped liking the object of his affections after awhile of dating them. He felt like the lines were to blurry for him to be sure, but maybe he would be, someday.
-
Sometimes Jeongguk didn’t stay to gauge Yoongi’s reaction when he put something in the others’ locker. Sometimes it was enough knowing Yoongi would find it later. This day Jeongguk had late classes, but he had a cancelled lesson after lunch, so he snuck off to Yoongi’s locker. He wouldn’t be there to see Yoongi that day, but Yoongi would most likely find it when he got off in two hours.
This time Jeongguk had drawn a person on a small piece of paper. He had been bored in class, and his mind had gone to Yoongi. The person on the paper had a strong resemblance to Yoongi, and Jeongguk thought he ought to give it to him. Jeongguk had been hesitant at giving Yoongi his art work to begin with, but Yoongi always seemed more pleased at getting those than he normally did, encouraging Jeongguk not only in giving Yoongi his art, but also in making the art.
There were no other people in the hall as he got there, but he made sure to be quiet anyway. Jeongguk looked at his drawing shortly before pushing it through the groove. He breathed out, a bit sad that he wouldn’t see the drawing again. He was quite proud of it.
“So I guess you’re the one who’s been leaving things in my locker,” someone said behind him out of nowhere.
Jeongguk jumped, heart in his throat, and turned around to see the newcomer. He wasn’t surprised that it was Yoongi – he recognized the voice – but he still stood frozen, not knowing what to say. “Uhm,” was a start, but not a very good one. “Did- did you follow me?”
Yoongi raised an eyebrow, looking calm and collected (Jeongguk envied him, feeling anything but). “No, I actually just came to pick up a book I forgot. Wasn’t expecting to see you… But then I never know when you strike,” he said with a smirk. “You’ve been quite sneaky.”
”I didn’t… want you to notice,” admitted Jeongguk.
“Why not?” Yoongi looked genuinely confused. “I mean, I figured you were someone shy, someone who’s never dated, someone afraid and doubting themselves – why else would you hide it? As far as I know, you've been in quite a few relationships, even with guys? I don’t understand.”
Jeongguk didn’t know what compelled him to tell the other. He wasn’t someone who came out to others easily, or often, but something about Yoongi made him want to share it. So he blurted out: “I’m lithromantic.” Or something like that, anyway, he thought to himself. He regretted it almost the moment he said it, and looked anywhere but at Yoongi, eyes darting from one place to another. “You probably don’t know what that is,” he mumbled to the ground.
“I do know what that is!” Yoongi exclaimed. Jeongguk jumped a bit at Yoongi’s sudden outburst, bringing his attention back to Yoongi. But Yoongi looked… excited, was the only word Jeongguk could think of to describe his expression. “I do know, because I’m aro.”
Jeongguk couldn’t believe his own ears. Never in a million years had he seen that coming; there were so few arospec people, it often seemed like, and Jeongguk didn’t know anyone else. (Jeongguk figured there were more who either didn’t share it with others or who didn’t even know that you could be on the aromantic spectrum, that it existed). “Really?” Jeongguk gaped at Yoongi.
Yoongi nodded, with that gummy smile Jeongguk liked so much. They stood for awhile, just looking at each other, not knowing what to say.
Jeongguk was the first to break the silence. “You should probably get to class.”
Yoongi shrugged. “Nah. I have zero percent absence as it is, so I’ll be fine. And besides, I want to see what you put in my locker this time.” Yoongi walked towards his locker, and Jeongguk felt obligated to move out of the way, even though he didn’t want to. He did put the drawing in Yoongi’s locker after all, couldn’t blame him for wanting to see it.
Yoongi kept his back to Jeongguk as he opened the locker and took out the paper. He didn’t turn around immediately, choosing instead to take in the drawing in peace. Jeongguk held his breath as he waited.
“Wow,” Yoongi said as he finally turned around. His expression mirrored his words. “This is amazing.” Jeongguk wouldn’t usually take the compliment just like that, but Yoongi looked so genuine, proud even, as he smiled at Jeongguk. “It’s really something.”
(Jeongguk didn’t mention the drawing’s strong resemblance to Yoongi, and neither did Yoongi. Maybe they both figured it was too early in their acquaintanceship).
-
Yoongi did end up actually ditching class. They sat on a bench outside, side by side, watching some of their schoolmates run around on a close-by field in P.E. It was a sunny day, and would probably be one of the last ones that year. Jeongguk breathed in the fresh air, and admired the way the grass glinted in the sun. It smelled a bit like food, pizza maybe; the kitchen was in the building closest to them, someone was probably having a class there now.
“Actually I’m kind of relieved,” said Yoongi. They hadn’t said anything in awhile, both enjoying the sun’s burn, only soothed by the gentle breeze, but apparently Yoongi felt like sharing his thoughts. Jeongguk didn’t mind. “That you’re lithro, I mean. I was worried about having to turn you down.”
Jeongguk scrunched up his nose. “I was worried about you being interested in me if you ever found out.”
Yoongi snorted on a laugh. “You think that highly of yourself? Does everyone just fall for you?”
“Yes,” said Jeongguk, and it wasn’t even a lie (but if he was being honest, it wasn’t something he was proud of).
“Alright. I’ll believe it when I see it. But I’m not going to fall for you,” Yoongi said with conviction. It actually calmed Jeongguk down; he felt comfortable around Yoongi in a way he didn’t around anyone else, especially not someone he had essentially just met (they had technically met before of course, briefly spoken in passing, but Jeongguk mostly knew who Yoongi was through a mutual friend of theirs).
Jeongguk’s other friends always started dating someone, and went on and on about them when they actually had the time to hang out with Jeongguk. And he was happy for them, truly, but he didn’t understand it, not really, and he couldn’t get himself to care. He would try to listen, but usually he ended up zoning them out. His other friends always asked for details about their romantic encounters – what were they wearing, what did they say, how did you feel? – but Jeongguk didn’t even think to ask. And it was weird, wasn’t it, because really they were only doing all the things Jeongguk thought of doing every day. But somehow, despite thinking about it, he didn’t think he would actually want it. Couldn’t really see it happening, see himself enjoying it. Despite having been in several (very short-term, admittedly) relationships, it was odd actually thinking of himself in one.
But with Yoongi he felt like he didn’t have to pretend to be interested in his love life, and not only that, he could be honest about his own feelings. Maybe he should just tune down his love declaration involving Yoongi. Which reminded him… Jeongguk hadn’t even taken into consideration that Yoongi might be aromantic, and therefore hadn’t thought about the fact that his semi-romantic gestures could freak the other out in more ways than the typical is-this-person-stalking-me kind of way.
“Uhm, you know, did it ever… bother you? Like, the secret admirer thing? Aside from worrying about turning me down?” he asked awkwardly.
Yoongi thought about it. “I didn’t really mind,” Yoongi said mildly. “It was sweet. And I got lots of nice things to eat.”
Jeongguk laughed shortly. “Yeah, I suppose you did.” He felt kind of awkward; it was weird admitting to being a ‘secret admirer’. He had essentially spent a lot of his time trying to make someone smile for no reason, someone whom he barely knew.
“I’m not really romance-repulsed, I just don’t develop romantic feelings for people, and I don’t really want a romantic relationship. It doesn’t bother me when other people like me, aside from it being kind of awkward sometimes, you know?” Yoongi bounced his shoulder into Jeongguk’s softly. “But seriously. It brightened my day.”
Jeongguk looked up uncertainly. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you like, want to be friends?”
Yoongi let out a small laugh. “Yeah. Yeah, I would like that.”
“...We say ‘yeah’ a lot.”
“Yeah.”
They both laughed then, the sound ringing out in the otherwise quiet school yard.
-
The two of them became friends, and formed their own version of a relationship (a queerplatonic relationship, they found it was called). They had a subtle relationship, with lots of comfortable silences, but also a deep one; Jeongguk felt like he could tell Yoongi anything, and he did. Whenever something troubled him, he went to Yoongi, and it seemed as if Yoongi felt the same way about Jeongguk.
Over time Jeongguk’s feelings did slowly go away, but he grew to care about Yoongi in a much more profound way than a small crush. Luckily he also stopped crushing on so many other people, the affection Yoongi gave him sufficient. Yoongi, being romance indifferent, didn’t mind Jeongguk’s romantic gestures, and even returned them occasionally to humor him (and seeing as Yoongi’s intentions were purely platonic, and he didn’t return Jeongguk’s feelings, Jeongguk didn’t have any problem with him and Yoongi doing romantic-coded things. It was like a win-win).