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Remus could tell tonight was going to be bad.
The pain always worsens before a full moon, and within the past few months it has absolutely heightened. Last month’s moon had Remus in bed for three days straight throwing up with body aches and a headache so bad he felt his skull would crack open.
It wasn’t new to Remus. The pain, that is. He was used to it by now, he’s been ripping open his skin and breaking his bones since he was 4 years old. He’d been dealing with this alone for years. His parents were terrified of him, and didn't want to help with the physical or mental pain. Didn’t want to stay to see this through with him. After Remus had been turned his father killed himself. He’d been working in the werewolf department at the Ministry. Got a bit too close, Remus assumes. His mother didn’t want to be involved in raising a boy on her own, let alone a werewolf. She wasn’t a witch, didn’t know anything about the life his father lived. After Remus was turned it was clear she would always have some sort of connection to the wizard world. That was, if she had decided to stay. She’d ran from Remus, and didn’t leave a word.
Remus can’t blame her. It must have been frightening, and even though he doesn’t remember much from those first years of his childhood, he couldn’t blame her for feeling so disconnected to the world he lived in now. The world he was forced to be part of, because he is now a magical creature. Not in the way he has a wand, or can cast spells, or go to Hogwarts. But in the way he has to worry about transforming into a monster every month.
The pain wasn’t new to Remus. What was new was having people that cared he was in pain, and wanted to help in any way they could.
His roommates, the Marauders, were there for him every moon before they even understood he was a werewolf. They’d bother Pomfrey until she agreed to let them into the Hospital Wing at early hours of the week. Sneak him food from the kitchen on the days it was so bad Remus couldn’t leave to get it himself.
It wasn’t until the beginning of his third year they put together the pieces that Remus always got sick during a full moon. Remus thought they would be terrified, not only that, but reveal his secret to everyone and get him kicked out of Hogwarts - the only place that has ever really felt like “home” to him. But, they took it surprisingly well. They thought it was fascinating, and asked him so many questions. Like it wasn’t something to be feared, and instead just something that was part of Remus. Something they wanted to understand better so they could help their friend.
James and Peter were always concerned, of course they were. Remus was their best friend and they didn't want him to be in pain. But Sirius hovered like an overprotective owl. At first Remus minded a lot. The week leading up to a moon Remus always gets more antsy and quick-tempered. Sirius would shove anyone in the hallway or dining hall that even breathed too closely to him. Worried that anything could set Remus off, and Sirius needed to be the one to solve the issue.
It wasn’t until Remus realized that Sirius was doing this to be helpful instead of a “savior” that he found it endearing. Sure, maybe shoving and scowling at people was a bit much, when even Remus wasn’t doing it, but it was Sirius’ way of showing he cared, and wanted his best friend to feel as comfortable and safe as possible this close to the full moon.
One night fourth year Remus had snapped at him, thinking rightfully so.
It was the night before the full moon and he’d been in so much pain. He could barely move his left arm, the joints burning, feeling like they'd already been twisting around. Some Ravenclaw boy had bumped into his bad arm in the hallway, hard enough where Remus squeaked, stopping in his tracks, crouching, and clutching his arm. That set something off in Sirius, and he tried to swing at the Ravenclaw before James held him back. Remus stayed crouched on the ground, mortified watching the scene play out. Both boys getting in each other’s faces screaming, the Ravenclaw’s friends holding him back before anything major started. During the yelling Remus stood up and walked back to their room in silence.
Sirius skipped dinner running after Remus, and when they’d met in the room Remus had never felt so weak.
“Why’d you leave? Moons, you really need to eat something tonight.” Sirius said.
“Please, just stop!” Remus exclaimed through gritted teeth, looking at the floor. “You’re infuriating. You do these– this stupid shit– trying to be a good friend, but this is too much, Sirius.”
He looked up at the other boy, to see nothing but confusion. “I don’t understand. He hit you Remus, you were hurt and–”
“But I can choose my battles” Remus cuts him off, saying it like it's obvious. “I can do all of what you just did myself, and I didn’t.” He pauses, taking a deep breath, “When you do things like this, I can’t help but feel like I can’t take care of myself, like you need to be some savior for me–”
“Moony, it’s not like that–”
“Or, like I am some monster, and people need to be protected from me, because maybe you’re right! Someone might bump me too hard and I’ll snap, and hurt them, and maybe you’re doing everyone a favor because you’re saving them from some big bad wolf that could jump out of my skin at any second.” Remus says, clenching his fists. He closes his eyes, trying to breathe. “I know, your intentions are good, but it makes me feel so weak.”
Sirius’ eyes are beginning to turn red, like he’s about to cry, and Remus thinks he’s scared him off, saying too much. Sirius brings his hands to his face, covering his eyes before rubbing way too hard and dragging his skin down in agony. Taking one long deep breath, then says “Remus, I am sorry. Truly, I am so sorry. I had no idea you felt that way… I haven’t been doing it to, y’know, protect you, necessarily. I mean– of course, I don’t want you to get hurt when you’re already aching, but it’s– I just–” he stutters, then stops, thinking hard, “I don’t want you to be hurting at all, and I want to help with that.”
Remus looks at him, raising a brow, and brings his hands slightly up and outwards, confused, waiting for him to continue.
“I’m not doing it because I think you’re weak. I’m doing it because I want you to feel safe, here, with us, with me.”
Sirius went on to tell Remus he’s been acting like this because he has only ever felt safe at Hogwarts too. It is no secret to anyone that Sirius’ home life has been hard, being the Black heir. He told Remus about the abuse he’s been through there. To Remus’ surprise is not just emotional like they’d all thought, it’s been physical too. He’d told him that while he couldn’t imagine the pain the full moon brings he’s been in similar situations, and when that happens no one has his back. No one there to stick up for him, make sure he’s alright, take him to an infirmary, and heal his wounds.
He wants to make sure Hogwarts feels as safe and comfortable as possible for him, that these painful memories around a full moon don’t alter his perception of the school, because like Sirius, Hogwarts is the only real, safe, and happy home he's ever known. No one has ever been there for Sirius when he has been in pain at Grimmauld, mental or physical, and he always wished someone had been. He confessed he must have subconsciously wanted to be that person for Remus, the type of person he’d never had for himself. Surely that would help Remus, having someone at his back to fight for him or stand up for him, when Remus himself didn’t have the strength to.
They’d ended up embracing, both teary eyed and apologizing. Sirius had agreed to tone it down, and Remus promised to be understanding when Sirius did want to have his back, because Sirius was right, there had never been anyone to do that for Remus besides himself.
After that conversation, Remus always found it endearing. It had been toned down. Less scowls, less shoving, no more almost-fist-fights in the hallway. But in other ways, it amplified. Sirius became sweeter. More lingering touches on areas Remus would confess were in pain. Deep stares when Sirius didn’t think Remus was paying attention. When Remus had a fever or headache he’d always be there with a cool wet cloth and yell at James and Peter to be quiet or leave the bedroom.
One night, when it had been particularly bad, Remus was vomiting for hours. Sirius rubbed circles into his back and used cleaning spells on his face as Remus grimaced and told him to leave. Remus never actually wanted him to leave, and Sirius could tell that too, so he didn’t. That night he made sure Remus got into bed with pain medicine, and when Remus woke up he found Padfoot curled up at the bottom of his bed. Whether it was because he was unable to leave Remus alone while he was hurting or not, Remus’ heart swelled. He went back to sleep so he didn’t have to be the one to address it. When he woke up again Padfoot was gone, replaced with a human-Sirius getting ready in the bathroom. They didn’t talk about it. They didn’t talk about it when Padfoot appeared at the edge of his bed every night before the full moon.
It became even more of an unspoken agreement after one instance. Remus woke up from a nightmare, no light coming through the windows. He had tapped Padfoot until he woke up and gestured for him to come to the top of the bed. Remus used him as a pillow the entire night. After that, Padfoot no longer sleeps on the edge, and only up near the pillows with Remus’ face. It was comforting, and it made Remus incredibly happy, and if he wished Sirius would replace Padfoot with his human body he didn’t show it.
This all brings Remus back to his current issue, which was an insane amount of pain in his leg and stomach. It has never been this bad before, unless it was right before the full moon took place and he was transforming. But it was over a full day until he’d turn, and this wasn’t making any sense. Classes had just ended, and Remus surprisingly went to all of them – limping the entire time, but still going. He had clenched his fists until the small crescents drew blood, and squeezed his eyes shut to try and focus on solely the professor’s voices instead of the pain.
Now, he was laying in bed. Curtains drawn to be completely dark. Focusing on his breathing and trying to block out the pain shooting up his entire leg. Pomfrey had given him pain medicine to take any time it would feel this way, but he’d already taken three today and he knew any more than that could knock him out.
Sirius and James were sitting in the middle of the floor doing homework, making it apparent to Remus they wouldn’t bother him at all and they wouldn’t even know they were there. However, they made it incredibly apparent when they heard Remus abruptly scream in his bed, crying out in immense pain. They both shot up, making it over to his bed as fast as possible and throwing the curtains out of the way.
“Remus what is it?” James exclaimed in a terrified tone.
Remus had tears in his eyes, hands shaking above his leg, trying to figure out what to do. “I don’t know! Ah! It just– oh my GOD,” he screamed wincing, “please. Oh my god, help, it just did something, I swear.” Sirius was already over Remus' face, moving the bangs out of his hair and looking incredibly concerned.
“Can I touch your leg?” James asked, hands hovering over him. Remus started nodding frantically.
James lifted his leg to move his pants upwards towards his knee, and let out a loud gasp and an oh my god.
“What’s wrong?!” Sirius asks, scared.
“We need to get him to the infirmary now, his leg just broke early.”
“What?! It’s never done that before! Remus, it's never done that before right?!” Sirius asks, keeping a hand on his face, and if Remus’ leg didn’t hurt so bad the heat rising to his face and sear of Sirius’ handprint would be even more painful than this.
“No never! I didn’t even know that was possible.” He says, shutting his eyes hard and bringing a hand to his face, muffling “We need to go now. Is the sun still up? There’s no way the moon came early right?!”
“Yes Moony, sun is still up. There’s no way it’s coming early, don’t worry about that. We just need to get you to the infirmary, it’ll be alright.” James says reassuringly, moving up to his back, “do you need help up?”
Remus uses his hands to prop himself up and Sirius instinctively helps move his leg to dangle off the bed. He tries to place his foot on the ground. More pain shoots through his entire body and he screams.
“It’s okay, it’s alright Remus, we’re gonna help you walk alright?”
Remus nodded, tears welling in his eyes. The two boys each hook themselves under Remus’ shoulders and lift him off the bed, Remus’ hurt leg dangling in the air, too afraid to set it anywhere near the ground. They began walking towards the door together, out the door, and down the stairs. However, Remus was not moving quickly, and the pain continued to shoot up, quick and quiet swears spewing out of his mouth.
“AHH!” Remus starts screaming again as they take another step down, almost falling down the stairs. He’s clutching his stomach hard because something just shifted inside him, and he feels like he needs to keep it from moving more.
“I can’t.” Remus breathed out. “God, it hurts so bad, I– I’m not going to make it there. All the way. I can’t.” He shook his head in disbelief, and the breaths he was taking were starting to sound like airy sobs.
“I’ll carry him.” James looks at Sirius, and Sirius quickly nods, helping James lift the other boy until Remus was in his arms. Sirius stays in the front, making sure if any doors need to be opened or a path cleared he’ll immediately get it. James breaks into a light job, trying to get to the infirmary as fast as possible.
Sirius busts through the infirmary doors, and just as Pomfrey is about to lecture him James comes into view with Remus clutched. As soon as Remus is in the bed Pomfrey is injecting him with something and he’s passed out.
— — — — —
When Remus wakes up everything is hazy, and through the windows he can tell it is dusk, the sun slowly going down. The pain is minimal, whatever Pomfrey gave him seemingly worked pretty well. Probably the stuff she normally gives him after a full moon to cure his normal injuries. While Remus hadn’t seen the injury he assumes the break was abrupt enough it broke skin, because the bandage wrapped around his leg is slightly red. He grimaces, suddenly feeling nauseous.
He looks to the right and sees Sirius and James sitting on chairs, both napping. Sirius’ head hitting the wall behind him and James using his shoulder as a pillow.
What is it about Sirius that makes him so pillow-like? He thinks to himself, and getting flustered with how he wishes that seat is where he was right now.
Sirius always looks so peaceful when he sleeps, but now, he has a small crease between his brows, the kind he gets when he’s stressed or concentrating very hard. Remus can’t help but think it’s endearing that Sirius is even worrying about Remus while he’s asleep.
“Oh dear, good you’re awake.” His head snaps to Pomfrey coming through the curtains surrounding his bed, stirring both James and Sirius awake, who are now looking at him with relieved faces.
She gives him the rundown, explaining how the moon must be too strong this month with the orbit too close to Earth. He truthfully isn't interested, and curses the moon for deciding to get closer to him than further. His leg had snapped through his skin, and his liver had shifted out of place, which explained the stomach pain. She gives him more pain medicine and leaves to get food for him from the kitchen elves since he won’t be leaving tonight.
James and Sirius hover over him, asking him questions like “Are you alright?” “Will you want more food from the kitchens?” “Can we do anything?” However, there is nothing Remus needs, and he is starting to get incredibly tired. The extra painkillers he was just given must have had something in them to make him fall asleep again. The boys agree Remus should rest, and they will visit him first thing in the morning to make sure he is alright and help him get to class – they know how much Remus hates to miss school for full moons.
“Wait.” Remus blurted as Sirius and James started to walk away. “Sirius?”
Sirius looked from Remus to James, nodding his head towards the exit. James smirks at him, seemingly knowing something, raising his shoulders and twirling around to leave.
Sirius walked over to the bed, looking down at Remus. “What is it Moony?”
For the past year he’d never slept without Padfoot the night before the full moon. He really didn’t want to start tonight. He was in pain, and Padfoot– Sirius– was so comforting. He made him feel so safe, like the pain he was experiencing was nothing compared to the excitement and fear of sleeping in the same bed as him.
Remus had never felt so small until this moment, and maybe he would blame the pain medicine later making his head loopy, but he asks “Will you stay? Can you… come back? Tonight, to stay here with me?”
Sirius’ face formed into a small smile, eyes widening and looking at him like it was the most obvious answer in the world, “Of course I can. I’ll come back with the invisibility cloak, and I’ll stay the night, okay?”
Remus shyly looked away from him, letting out a small “Okay” as he felt the heat rising into his cheeks.
Sirius only snickered, grabbing the hand that was closest to him and giving it a squeeze. “I’m really relieved you’re alright. I’ll be back, promise.”
— — — — —
Sirius kept his promise, and once Pomfrey was gone he appeared under the invisibility cloak.
“Hi.” Remus smiles.
“Hey, you doing okay?” Sirius asks, moving closer to him.
Remus nods, “I'm okay. Freaked out, but I didn’t turn early, which is… relieving, to say the least.”
Sirius stops next to him, grabbing his hand and squeezing again. “You tired?”
“Very. I just… admittedly cannot sleep.” Remus holds out the part that he can’t because for the last year he hasn’t spent a pre-moon night without him. For some reason it is the most comforting thing in the world, he is the most comforting. The lack of routine is throwing him for a loop, and he needs routine tonight, because he feels out of control and scared.
Sirius just nods, smiling down at him again softly. He puts a hand on his cheek and Remus instinctively leans into it, chasing his warmth. “What can I do? Where do you want me?”
“Can you be Padfoot? On the bed?” he asks, trying to sound as casual as possible.
“‘Course I can.” Sirius says, eyes flickering with something that Remus can’t quite place, but it makes his stomach squirm.
He turns into Padfoot and jumps onto the bed, coming close to Remus face before circling and curling up next to him. Remus turns on his side and drapes an arm over the black dog, whispering a thank you before allowing himself to finally relax.
A few hours later Remus wakes up from a bad dream, which isn’t surprising following the events of today. He stares up at the ceiling for a bit, focusing on the dog next to him and his deep breaths.
There is something so comforting about being here like this with the dog, but he can’t help but miss Sirius. His Sirius, not the dog. Te Sirius that smells like Sirius and feels like Sirius. The one that touches Remus with the lightness and intensity and purpose and comfort his Sirius always shows.
He squeezes the dog tighter, and takes a deep breath. “Padfoot?”
The dog makes a small noise, slowly emerging from the deep sleep he was just in.
“Can you just listen to something, for one moment as a dog? I think it would make it easier.”
Padfoot slowly lifts himself up, stretching his legs and shifts so his head is laying on Remus’ upper arm instead of facing away from him. He nudges his nose into Remus, and he laughs.
“Okay. You're not allowed to make fun of me.” He says, looking away from the dog and up at the ceiling. “I didn’t want to sleep without Padfoot tonight because this is like, a thing we do now, y’know? It’s routine. It’s so familiar, and so comforting to me, and makes me feel less shitty, I guess, going into the day the full moon hits. Makes me feel normal.”
He pauses for a bit. “Do you remember when we had that talk about you being so protective over me? I didn’t understand at first. But then you talked about how this place is the only place you’ve ever felt at home, and that made a lot of sense to me. I feel the same. It’s not because of the school though. I feel so safe and secure here because you helped me realize I’m allowed to accept the feeling of safety and security and happiness. I feel secure when I have a routine, and I feel safe when Padfoot is there on those nights… but it’s not because it’s Padfoot. It’s because you’re there as him. It’s so helpful because it’s you, and I feel so safe with you. I’ve never felt like that with another person, and I’m too worried to not have you around, because if something happens on a full moon, and I don’t have another night like that, I want to spend that last night with you.”
He looks down at Padfoot, finding large black eyes, being illuminated by the moonlight coming into the room. Remus sighs. “You make me feel so normal. Like me being different doesn’t matter, and it’s everyone else that should go fuck themselves. When you spend those nights with me I feel like you’re showing me how normal and easy it is to be with me when I am struggling so much. I’ve never thanked you for that, because I know we never really talk about it. I don’t know if that’s because you don’t want to, maybe I'm totally torturing you by saying this all now… but what if we did talk about it? More than I’m talking about it right now, that is.”
Remus can tell he’s rambling now, but the words are spilling out and it’s the middle of the night and his pain killers are still making him loopy and Sirius is right there, listening to every word like it matters.
“I don’t want to lose you. I like spending these nights with you because I’m too worried something bad is gonna happen and I won’t have these once a month nights anymore. Or any nights at all. Like I’m going to be torn away from you, or you’re gonna look at me differently at some point and see through me and find some monster. And I’m selfish because I wish it wasn’t just once a month. I wish whenever you’d want to be there you’d be there, whether it was the night before the full moon or not. If that’s something you’d like too maybe, then, you should tell me.”
It’s quiet momentarily, and then Remus feels movement beside him as Padfoot gets up. For a second he’s terrified he’s about to walk away, but then he transforms and instead of Padfoot it’s Sirius, climbing back into bed with him and resting his head on Remus’ chest.
“I’d like that a lot, Moons.” He says, and while Remus can’t fully see his face, he knows he’s smiling. Sirius lifts his hand and takes Remus’ in his, squeezing reassuringly.
Sirius looks down, completely covering his face and rubbing Remus’ interlocked hand with his thumb. Shyly he says, “I like you. Like, I fancy you. Not as a friend.”
Remus feels the air leave his lungs and a blush spread across his face. He can’t help but think was I oblivious? Am I truly dumb enough to have thought this wasn’t reciprocated?
“You do?”
“Mhm.”
“I like you too.”
“I kinda gathered that from everything you said, Moons.”
“But that’s not what I said at all!” Remus says embarrassed.
“You never talk that much about your feelings. It was so gushy and cute, just kinda figured you were saying a lot of words to stay away from the three.”
“The three?”
“I like you.”
“Ah.”
“So you do? Like me?” Sirius asks, continuing to rub Remus’ hand with his thumb.
“Yes, idiot. Don’t make me say it again, it’s embarrassing.”
“Well now you’re never going to get me out of your bed.” Sirius says, looking up at him and smirking.
“Sounds inappropriate.”
“Can be if you want.”
“Shut up, we’re having a moment Pads.”
“Okay, okay, fine. But really I’d love to,” he says, bringing his hand up to Remus’ face and placing it on his cheek. “I wanna be in your bed as me, not the dog. All the time. Whenever you want me there, I'll be there.”
He laughs, and Remus laughs too. Remus takes his arms and wraps them around Sirius tightly. “I’m happy you’re here. Thank you.”
“Anything for you, Moony.” Sirius says, kissing his chest softly, which makes Remus take his lips to Sirius’ forehead in response.
They fall asleep like that in each other’s arms, butterflies in their chests, expectantly waiting for all the other times they’ll be able to comfort one another now like this.