Chapter Text
James woke up like the new usual, cold and sore. His best friends no longer spoke to each other and he was torn between them. Remus had a right to be mad at Sirius but he was sure Sirius had his own reasons, though they were a mystery to everyone but the man himself. Meals were never silent, he and Peter did try their best, but Sirius was morose. Remus made sure to never even glance in his direction and the girls were outright hostile, glaring every chance they got. He wasn't sure they knew what the case was, just that Remus was upset and Sirius was the cause so they hated him in solidarity, apart from maybe Lily, she was smart enough to figure it out. He supposed maybe Sirius was tired and ashamed of the glances therefore skipping meals. Which was fine, as long as Sirius ate later, and James thought he must because in all the people he knew Sirius could never bear an empty stomach. Sirius did feel guilty. That much was practically engraved on his face and Remus would forgive him eventually was the hope James held on to.
He knew them both, they loved each other. Remus could never be mad at Sirius for more than five minutes. He and Peter had actual timestamps to prove it. So, it was unusual for their fight to continue this long. Another peculiar thing was how Sirius apologized. Normally, Sirius would make huge, grand gestures and dramatic speeches to apologize but now? Now, Sirius just gave small clipped apologies of "Sorry, Remus" , "I'm really sorry" and such. By no means were they half- hearted, anyone who even heard his voice could tell that those were probably the first and only words he spoke throughout the day. But Moony did not relent, yet James clung onto hope.
Except on one cold morning, that hope he clung onto so tight as if his lifeline, was lost. He woke up still in a haze, dressed up in his robes. He planned to discreetly wake up Wormy, but maybe not Pads though, James had decided not to push him too much. He mentally checked off his homework list, that was sadly a thing he had to do without Remus, and pushed the curtains aside to get to the the dresser
Blood spatter was the first thing he saw, then next his best friend loosely holding a mirror shard. James let out a scream. He grabbed the bed post to make sure he didn't fall. Regaining his senses after a moment, he sprinted to Peter's bed. “Peter! Peter, wake up now!” He screamed. “Five more minutes” was the sleepy reply he got as Peter shifted in a more comfortable position. “Now Peter!” James’ voice broke with fear and Peter shot up sensing it. “What happened? Are you okay? Sirius?” Peter said, voice slightly hoarse. “It's Sirius. He–um. Go get Madam Pomfrey.” Came the panicked reply. “What ?” Peter tried to look past James to see if Sirius was there, but James moved to cover his line of sight and Peter gave up, running to the infirmary.
James would not let Peter see what had become of their best friend. With Peter gone, he moved closer to Sirius. The sight was unnerving, Blood covered the floor and it made it impossible to tell where the wounds were, but one thing was obvious, he had done it to himself. There was a small smile still on his face as if he had attained a cruel peace. The mirror shard he held was dripping with blood. The sunlight that came through the little window lit Sirius’s face giving the pale ghostly white, a slightly more yellow hue. He hesitantly went forward and touched Sirius’s neck, he was right, there was no pulse. Nothing he could do. He feared that if he tried he would make it worse. So he waited.
James had always thought waiting was a tedious task, something he hated because time always slowed down when he was waiting. This time was no different, waiting wasn't awful it was bloody heart wrenching. Minutes felt like hours. His best friend was….dying and all he could do was stare at his pale face praying to whatever higher body could listen to bring his friend back. His best friend, his brother, partner in crime." Please let him be okay, please, I'll do anything please." he whispered not taking his eyes of Sirius . His hope was gone. Gone, like it had never existed, the only proof that it had existed once : the haunting memory of his best friend's cold body with a ghost of a smile still on its lips, looking nothing like the boy he once knew.
First year and James was excited in a nervous sort of way. He'd heard stories from his parents and he wanted to see Hogwarts and make so many friends. He had Peter with him and it was the best ever. He walked to the train and kissed his mother on the cheek and sat in a little compartment he found. Looking out the window he saw a black haired boy leaving behind his mother, father and brother. There were not many people , it was till too early. He was waiting on Peter. Peter was rushing towards the train thinking it would leave soon, courtesy of James changing the time in his watch and his mother running behind him and a trail of items falling from the open suitcase. A red haired girl was running behind him too and picking up his things shouting for him to take notice. When he finally did she smiled while he apologized profusely , it was a beautiful smile and James had already decided she would be his friend.
A while later, while he and Peter sat in the compartment exchanging stories and plans, the door opened revealing the black haired boy he saw on the platform. " Hello mate. Can I sit here? Everywhere else is full" he said . James gestured him to sit. " I didn't even introduce myself. How awfully rude of me. I'm Sirius Black" he said extending an arm to James. James raised an eyebrow saying" I'm James Potter" HE knew the history of the Blacks and they did not take to kindly to the Potters. "Hmm. A Potter? That will definitely piss off my mother" Sirius said. "Of course the boy hated his mother. Who wouldn't?" James thought. James knew he like this boy, he shook his hand and then Sirius shook Peter's who introduced himself. James had found his first new friend.
The first night in the Marauder's dormitory Sirius had said " Boys, we will make history" with a smirk that rivalled the devil's .What James wouldn't give to bring it back? James was sprinting back to the dormitory. he couldn't bear to see Remus and Regulus's reactions right now. He wanted to be there for his friends, he really did but if he stayed he might not be able to keep in his dinner. How long had Sirius felt this way? Sirius never had a happy childhood, James knew that. Was the Prank the reason he did this or did it just accelerate the process? Was this inevitable? When was the last time he saw his best friend smile without looking worse for wear?
That was it. he couldn't think like that, not now when everyone needed him. HE needed a plan of action. First he would get out of this thought process. Then he would clean up before anyone else got back. Next, check up on Remus and Peter and later Lily and the girls and Regulus. Lastly, write a letter to his parents.
Right, cleaning up now. There was so much blood. His nostrils filled with the coppery smell as soon as he stepped inside. The stench made it impossible to breathe. "Cleaning spells?" he thought. No he needed to do this by hand. He needed something to do, something he could do to help. He grabbed a few dirty rags and started cleaning the floorboards, not caring if the blood got on his clothes. One swipe of the rag. Two. Three. Four And five. The blood was gone. Slowly but steadily he cleaned till the room was spotless. " It still isn't enough" he gritted his teeth at the thought. It was right. It wasn't enough, he could still see the lifeless body of Sirius lying on the floor with a pool of blood, he could still see it staining the floorboards even though it wasn't there anymore. He needed to clean. So he did. Again and again till he lost count of how many times he did. Finally he incinerated the rags.
He got up slowly like the motion stole energy from him that he didn't have. Looked in the mirror in front, well what remained off it. Looking back down he saw some cuts on his hand, probably from the broken mirrors. He hadn't noticed them till now. He wished he wasn't sleeping with a spell put on the area near his bed. He would have been able to hear Sirius or at least some indication of Sirius's pain. Sirius was dead. The thought hit him like a freight train. He was dead never to be seen again. Was James part of the problem? What if James hadn't been as great of a friend that he thought he was? What if he was responsible for this? After all he hadn't tried his best? He hadn't been able to cheer up his best friend these past few days, he hadn't been able to even properly look him in the eye after the incident. Could he even call himself Sirius's best friend?
James couldn't breathe anymore. It felt like someone put a weight on his chest. The room was getting blurry, he needed to get to Madam Pomfrey now. So he ran, even if his legs felt like jelly, even if he felt like breathing was a chore. He reached the infirmary and felt a pair of hands hold him firmly, they were the only things that felt real anymore. The owner of said hands was saying something, he heard something that might have been his name, but it was all white noise to him. "…James" the person said again. It was a woman. she said something more, but James couldn't understand it. "James?" she tried again. Unable to make a sound he nodded. Merlin, he felt lightheaded. the woman gave him something to drink, there was another woman beside her." Mcgonagall" his brain supplied. Yes, that was it, Mcgonagall and the one that helped him was Madame Pomfrey.
Madame Pomfrey came to him " James" she looked unsure as to what to say " How are you feeling now" " Better " he answered curtly, clearly uncomfortable to be the center of attention. "You were having a panic attack, sweetheart" she spoke gently"that's a calming potion that I gave you" . He smiled and hoped it came off as gratitude. Mcgonagall came over to him," I'm sorry you had to see that " James knew she was referring to the body, he did not want to think about it anymore. "If you ever want to talk, you know where my office is. Come see me whenever you like." she smiled kindly " now, I'll go clean up your dorm, okay?" " I already did" James said softly. " oh sweetheart!" Mcgonagall enveloped him into a warm hug and he noticed Madam Pomfrey dabbing her eyes. James broke down too.
"I thought he'd be okay" he said "I thought we would all be fine. I thought that it would take some time but Remus would forgive him and we would all be friends again" He was getting tears all over Mcgonagall's blouse, but neither of them cared at the moment. " You know, I woke up feeling better today. Like the weight that I felt on my chest was slowly disappearing and then I found that and I just…" he trailed off not knowing what he wanted to say. Both the women hugged him. " You were a great friend to him James. He knew that, you should know it too" Mcgonagall said.
James wasn't okay. He could still see Sirius's face every time he closed his eyes and was sure he would see that small smile on his face for as many years as he lived. He wasn't sure he was going to be okay for the foreseeable future, but he knew what his situation was. He knew how to help others and so that's what he would do.