Archive of Our Own

The corridor outside the Charms classrooms had become a dead stretch of afternoon boredom.

It was that awkward slice of time between lessons where nobody had anywhere useful to be, but everyone had just enough freedom to become annoying about it. The stone hallways were crowded in patches, then empty in others, students drifting in loose shoals toward classrooms, staircases, courtyards, or whatever corner of the castle looked most forgiving.

Sirius Black was walking backwards.

This was, unfortunately, not unusual.

He had his bag hanging off one shoulder, his tie loose, his robes open, and the expression of a man who had never once considered the possibility of consequences as anything more than decorative.

“I’m telling you,” James Potter said, jabbing a finger at him as they wandered, “if McGonagall asks, we were revising.”

Peter Pettigrew snorted. “Revising what?”

“Life,” James said grandly. “Experience. The world. Ourselves.”

“Yourself could use some work,” Lily Evans said dryly, walking beside Mary Macdonald with her books hugged neatly to her chest.

Mary laughed. “That was actually quite poetic for you, James. Horrible, obviously, but poetic.”

“Thank you,” James said, delighted.

“I didn’t mean it as a compliment.”

“I heard compliment.”

Remus Lupin trailed beside them, one hand in his pocket, the other balancing a half-crumpled bit of parchment covered in notes he absolutely was not reading. He had the tired, faintly haunted expression of someone who had been forced to spend too many hours in James and Sirius’s company without a proper cup of tea.

Marlene McKinnon was slightly ahead, kicking lazily at the edge of a loose flagstone. Alice Fortescue walked with Frank Longbottom just behind her, Frank carrying both his own books and Alice’s without seeming to notice. Fabian and Gideon Prewett brought up the back, speaking in low, suspicious voices that usually meant either a prank was being planned or someone’s dignity was about to die in public.

“So,” Gideon said, “what exactly are we doing?”

“Wandering,” Sirius said.

Fabian nodded thoughtfully. “Love that. Big fan of having no purpose.”

“We have purpose,” James protested.

“We do?” Peter asked.

“Absolutely,” James said. “The purpose is avoiding boredom.”

“That’s not a purpose,” Lily said.

“It is if you’re brave enough.”

“You are genuinely exhausting.”

“And yet,” James said, grinning at her, “you remain nearby.”

Lily opened her mouth to answer, probably with something devastating, when the sound reached them.

A soft thud.

A breathy laugh.

A low voice murmuring something from around the corner.

Then another sound.

Wet.

Distinct.

Unmistakable.

The entire group slowed at once.

Mary blinked. “Is someone—?”

“Don’t,” Remus said immediately.

“—snogging?” Mary finished anyway.

Sirius twisted around, eyes brightening with horrible interest.

“Oh,” he said, already grinning. “Brilliant.”

“No,” Lily said. “We are not investigating someone snogging in a corridor.”

James was already moving. “We’re not investigating. We’re passing by with our eyes open.”

“That is investigating.”

“It’s educational.”

“It’s invasive.”

“It’s Hogwarts.”

They turned the corner as a group before anyone sensible could stop them.

And froze.

Because there, pressed against the wall beneath a crooked portrait of a very offended-looking witch, was Regulus Black.

Regulus Black, who always looked like he had been carved out of expensive winter.

Regulus Black, who walked through the castle with his chin lifted and his mouth sharp and his robes pristine.

Regulus Black, who had perfected the art of seeming untouchable.

Regulus Black was currently being thoroughly kissed by a boy who looked like he had been dragged backwards through a grunge gig, a hedge, and possibly a legal dispute.

The boy was taller than Regulus, all long limbs and messy posture, with brown hair streaked red and falling into his face. He wore flannel under his robes, the sleeves shoved up, stupid joke shirt visible beneath, piercings glinting along his ears and one in his eyebrow. His uniform looked like it had lost a fight with the concept of laundry. His fingers were hooked firmly at Regulus’s waist, tugging him closer like he had absolutely no intention of letting him go.

Regulus did not seem bothered by this.

At all.

In fact, Regulus had one hand curled in the front of the boy’s shirt and the other in his hair, kissing him back with a kind of lazy, smug confidence that made Sirius’s soul visibly leave his body.

The boy made a low pleased noise into the kiss, grinning against Regulus’s mouth.

“Yeah, that’s it,” he mumbled, voice rough and utterly shameless. “There you go, pretty boy.”

The Gryffindors screamed.

Not all at once.

It happened in layers.

Peter squeaked first.

Mary gasped.

James shouted, “WHAT THE FUCK?”

Marlene barked out a laugh so loud it echoed.

Alice made a noise like a tea kettle being attacked.

Frank dropped one book.

Fabian said, “Oh my God.”

Gideon said, “Oh my God, again.”

Lily slapped a hand over her eyes, then immediately peeked through her fingers.

Remus simply closed his eyes and whispered, “I hate this school.”

Sirius did not move.

Sirius had gone completely still.

His mouth opened.

Then closed.

Then opened again.

Regulus slowly stopped kissing.

He did not jump away.

He did not blush.

He did not even look embarrassed.

He merely turned his head slightly, lips swollen, expression bored and mildly inconvenienced, as if the Gryffindors had interrupted him halfway through reading a disappointing menu.

The taller boy, however, looked delighted.

He lifted his head from Regulus’s mouth with a slow, dazed grin, eyes red-rimmed and unfocused in a way that made it immediately, painfully obvious he was not operating on the same plane of reality as everyone else.

“Audience,” he said.

Regulus sighed. “Unfortunately.”

Sirius pointed.

His finger shook.

“Barty?”

The boy blinked at him.

Then laughed.

It was a bright, obnoxious, stoned little laugh.

“Wrong freak, mate.”

James leaned sideways around Sirius, squinting hard. “No, wait. That’s not Barty?”

Peter stared. “It looks exactly like Barty.”

“It does not,” Regulus said.

Mary tilted her head. “It really does.”

“It really, really does,” Alice added, looking horrified by the discovery.

Frank, still bent halfway down to retrieve the book he had dropped, paused to inspect the boy’s face. “That’s uncanny.”

“Uncanny is a polite word,” Fabian said.

“Terrifying is another,” Gideon offered.

Sirius looked as though he had just been handed a cursed prophecy and a tax form at the same time.

“That is Barty,” he said.

“No,” Regulus snapped. “It isn’t.”

The boy beside him raised one hand lazily. “Hornkus.”

Everyone stared at him.

A silence fell.

Not a dignified silence. Not a dramatic one.

A thick, stupid silence.

James looked at Sirius.

Sirius looked at Remus.

Remus looked at Lily.

Lily looked at the ceiling as though asking whatever god governed teenage boys for personal strength.

Marlene was the first to break.

“Sorry,” she said. “What?”

“Hornkus,” the boy repeated, entirely unbothered.

Mary pressed her lips together. “Hornkus what?”

“Hornkus Binglefuck.”

The silence became violent.

Fabian bent double.

Gideon grabbed his brother’s shoulder and made a strangled noise like he was trying not to die.

Peter stared with his whole face.

Alice whispered, “That cannot be real.”

“It is,” Hornkus said proudly.

Frank, with genuine concern, said, “Are you all right?”

“Mostly.”

Sirius turned slowly to Regulus.

Regulus looked back, chin raised.

Sirius’s voice came out dangerously soft. “Your boyfriend is called Hornkus Binglefuck.”

Regulus did not blink. “Yes.”

“Your boyfriend.”

“Yes.”

“Is called.”

“Sirius.”

“Hornkus Binglefuck.”

Hornkus grinned and wrapped both arms around Regulus from behind, dropping his chin onto Regulus’s shoulder. Regulus allowed this, though his eyes narrowed slightly when Hornkus swayed and nearly dragged them both sideways.

“Hi,” Hornkus said to Sirius. “You’re the loud brother.”

“I’m going to throw myself off the Astronomy Tower,” Sirius said flatly.

“Don’t,” Remus said. “Too much paperwork.”

James pointed at Hornkus again. “You’re in our year.”

“Yeah.”

“You’re a Hufflepuff.”

“Yeah.”

“How have we never noticed you before?”

Hornkus shrugged, cheek pressed lazily against Regulus’s shoulder. “Dunno. I’m around.”

“You are not around,” James said. “I know everyone around.”

“That sounds like a you problem.”

Marlene crossed her arms, eyes sharp with amusement. “Wait. Binglefuck. I’ve heard that name.”

Hornkus’s grin widened. “Famous.”

“No,” Marlene said. “I know someone who knows you. Aria Parkinson.”

Hornkus perked up. “Aria’s my dealer.”

Lily made a pained sound. “Please don’t say that in the hallway.”

“She is,” Hornkus said, as if Lily had challenged the weather.

Marlene snapped her fingers. “That’s it. Aria’s friends with Briar.”

Mary looked at her immediately. “Briar?”

Marlene waved a hand, suddenly too casual. “No one.”

“That was not a no one voice,” Mary said.

“It was a normal voice.”

“It was a ‘Marlene thinks someone is fit’ voice,” Lily said.

Marlene scoffed. “I have one voice.”

“You have at least twelve,” Alice said.

Hornkus leaned toward Regulus’s ear, stage-whispering loudly enough for everyone to hear, “Your brother’s friends are weird.”

Regulus lifted an eyebrow. “You are named Hornkus Binglefuck.”

“Yeah, but I’m interesting.”

Sirius looked like his headache had developed a headache.

Before he could say anything else, footsteps sounded at the other end of the corridor.

Fast ones.

Then a familiar voice snapped, “Pandora, stop saying it escaped from a jar!”

“I’m not saying it escaped from a jar,” Pandora Rosier’s voice replied brightly. “I’m saying it escaped from several jars, and possibly a small crate.”

Regulus’s expression shifted.

Not softened, exactly. Regulus Black did not soften in public. But something in his posture loosened in a way that made Sirius’s eyes narrow.

Around the corner came Regulus’s friends.

Barty Crouch Jr. appeared first, all sharp angles and hostile elegance, his messy brown hair streaked green instead of red, his robes hanging open, his expression already irritated.

Behind him came Evan Rosier, relaxed and bored, hands in his pockets like nothing in the world had ever truly shocked him. Pandora followed beside him with bright eyes and a dreamy smile, already looking directly at Hornkus as though studying a specimen that had learned to smoke. Dorcas Meadowes came last, grinning like she could smell drama from three corridors away.

Barty stopped dead.

Hornkus grinned.

The corridor went very still again.

Because standing there together, with the same messy brown hair, the same face, the same general aura of dangerous inconvenience, Barty and Hornkus looked so alike it was actually upsetting.

The only difference was the streaks.

Green for Barty.

Red for Hornkus.

And the fact that Hornkus was visibly high enough to think eye contact was a team sport.

James whispered, “Oh, that’s vile.”

Peter whispered, “There are two of them.”

Remus whispered, “Nature made a mistake.”

Barty’s eyes flicked from Hornkus to Regulus.

Then to Hornkus’s hands, still resting possessively at Regulus’s waist.

Then back to Hornkus.

His face changed.

Slowly.

Beautifully.

Like watching a storm realise it had somewhere very specific to land.

“Oh,” Dorcas said, immediately delighted. “Oh, this is going to be good.”

Hornkus lifted one hand from Regulus’s waist and wiggled his fingers.

“Hi, clone.”

Barty’s left eye twitched.

“I am going to turn you inside out.”

Hornkus gasped, pressing a hand to his chest. “That’s so forward. Reg, your friend wants me.”

Regulus pinched the bridge of his nose. “Hornkus.”

“What? I’m magnetic.”

“You smell like smoke and poor decisions,” Barty snapped.

Hornkus beamed. “And yet your best friend picked me.”

Barty lunged.

Evan caught the back of Barty’s robes with one hand without even looking, yanking him back with the bored efficiency of someone who had done this at least twelve times before breakfast.

“No murder in the corridor,” Evan said.

Barty whipped around. “Let go of me.”

“No.”

“Evan.”

“You’re vibrating.”

“I am not vibrating.”

“You are actively making the air unpleasant.”

Pandora drifted closer, head tilted, staring at Hornkus with fascinated horror. “I still maintain that he looks like something I created during a very stressful full moon.”

Hornkus pointed at her. “That’s what I’ve been saying.”

“No, it isn’t,” Barty hissed.

“It could’ve been.”

Pandora’s eyes brightened. “Perhaps I was trying to design a decoy Barty and accidentally made it more cheerful.”

“You did not make him,” Barty said.

Hornkus leaned forward slightly, still tucked around Regulus as though Regulus were furniture he had personally claimed. “Mummy?”

Pandora clasped both hands under her chin. “My escaped boy.”

Barty made a noise that did not sound human.

Dorcas burst out laughing.

“Oh, he hates it,” she said. “Do it again.”

Pandora smiled serenely at Barty. “You mustn’t be cruel to your red-streaked brother.”

“He is not my brother!”

Hornkus looked wounded. “Not with that attitude.”

Sirius was still staring.

His brain had clearly not moved past the initial catastrophe.

“Regulus,” he said slowly, in the tone of a man trying to reason with a hostage situation, “explain.”

Regulus turned his cold grey eyes on him.

“No.”

James made an offended sound. “No? We just found you devouring a Hufflepuff called Hornkus Binglefuck in a corridor and you think you can just say no?”

“I wasn’t devouring him,” Regulus said.

Hornkus hummed. “You were a bit.”

Regulus elbowed him lightly in the ribs.

Hornkus wheezed, then grinned wider, delighted by even that.

Mary pointed between Regulus and Hornkus. “So this is… real?”

“Yes,” Regulus said.

Hornkus said, “Depends what you mean by real.”

Lily sighed. “Why are Hufflepuffs always either the loveliest people alive or absolute forest goblins?”

“I’m both,” Hornkus said proudly.

Frank, who looked like he was trying extremely hard not to judge anyone and losing the battle, said, “You’re actually dating?”

Regulus gave him a flat look. “I just said yes.”

“Right, yes, sorry.” Frank paused. “It’s just… surprising.”

Alice leaned toward him and murmured, “Frank, darling, that’s incredibly polite for ‘deeply alarming.’”

“I was trying,” Frank admitted.

Fabian wiped at his eyes, still recovering. “No, I need the story. I need the entire horrific timeline.”

Gideon nodded. “For educational purposes.”

“For avoiding future curses,” Fabian added.

“For gossip,” Marlene said.

“For science,” Pandora said, drifting closer to Hornkus.

“For revenge,” Barty spat.

Hornkus clicked his tongue. “Barty, mate, you’ve got to let that go.”

Barty’s head snapped toward him. “Let what go?”

“This whole obsession with me.”

“You are a walking insult.”

“You’re obsessed.”

“I did not know you existed until Regulus dragged you into our lives like something stuck to his shoe!”

Hornkus looked down at his boots, considering this. “That’s romantic.”

“It is not romantic,” Barty said.

Regulus finally leaned away from Hornkus’s chest, though Hornkus immediately tried to follow him like a plant leaning toward sunlight.

Regulus glanced at the gathered Gryffindors and sighed like he had been personally burdened by their existence.

“I started dating him to annoy Barty.”

The corridor exploded.

James shouted, “I knew it!”

Sirius shouted, “What do you mean, annoy Barty?”

Mary clapped a hand over her mouth.

Marlene doubled over laughing.

Peter made a deeply confused little noise.

Lily stared at Regulus as though trying to decide whether to be horrified or impressed.

Remus looked at the ceiling again, probably seeking patience from the stonework.

Barty, meanwhile, looked betrayed enough to start a war.

“You,” he said, voice trembling with rage, “started dating my evil reflection to annoy me.”

Hornkus raised a finger. “Hot evil reflection.”

“You are not hot.”

Regulus said, “That’s debatable.”

Barty turned to him, wounded. “Regulus.”

Dorcas made a delighted little sound. “Oh, that one hurt.”

“It should hurt,” Hornkus said, nodding solemnly. “I’m pretty.”

“You have crisp crumbs on your shirt,” Evan said.

Hornkus looked down. “Emergency snack.”

Evan, who had drifted close enough to Hornkus during the chaos, slid a hand into the pocket of Hornkus’s flannel with quick, quiet precision.

Hornkus blinked slowly.

Evan removed a small packet.

Hornkus blinked again.

Evan tucked it into his own robes.

Hornkus pointed at him. “Did you just rob me?”

Evan shrugged. “Probably.”

“That was my weed.”

“Was.”

Hornkus looked at Regulus. “Your friends are criminals.”

Regulus said, “You sell your dignity for attention.”

“Yeah, but that’s legal.”

Lily folded her arms. “Is absolutely anyone here normal?”

“No,” Remus said at once.

Alice nodded. “That seems fair.”

Sirius took one sharp step toward Regulus. “You started dating him to annoy Barty?”

“At first,” Regulus said.

“At first,” Sirius repeated.

Hornkus leaned his chin back onto Regulus’s shoulder. “Then I charmed him.”

“You followed us for three weeks,” Dorcas said.

“Dedication.”

“You hid behind a suit of armour and made hissing noises at Barty.”

Hornkus nodded proudly. “Courtship.”

Barty recoiled. “That was you?”

Hornkus’s grin turned wicked. “Ssssss.”

Barty surged forward again.

Evan, still not looking particularly invested, caught him by the sleeve this time.

“No.”

“I’m going to remove his face.”

“Too messy.”

“Evan.”

“Also, Pandora would keep it.”

Pandora nodded. “For comparison.”

Hornkus gasped. “Aw, she loves me.”

“I don’t,” Pandora said sweetly. “But I might preserve you.”

“That’s basically the same.”

James stared at Regulus, then Hornkus, then Barty, then Hornkus again.

“This is the best thing that has ever happened to me,” he announced.

“It is the worst thing that has ever happened to me,” Sirius said.

“You say that about everything,” Remus muttered.

“This time I mean it.”

“You said that last week when James ate your toast.”

“He knew it was mine.”

“It was on a plate,” James said.

“It was in my hand.”

“You weren’t looking.”

“I was blinking.”

Frank took a careful step to the side as Barty began pacing in a tight, furious line.

“So,” Frank said, trying to make sense of it, “Regulus met Hornkus because he looked like Barty?”

“Unfortunately,” Regulus said.

Hornkus gave a lazy salute. “I was just trying to eat a pastry.”

Barty snapped, “You were staring at me!”

Hornkus looked offended. “You were staring at me. With my face.”

“It is my face.”

“It’s our face.”

“It is not our face.”

Dorcas slid up beside Hornkus, grinning like a demon in school shoes. “It’s a shared custody face.”

Hornkus pointed at her. “Exactly.”

Barty whirled on Dorcas. “Do not encourage him.”

Dorcas looked at Barty, then at Hornkus, then back to Barty.

“Absolutely not,” she said. “This is the funniest you’ve ever been.”

“I’m not being funny.”

“That’s why it’s funny.”

Marlene looked between them with open amusement. “I cannot believe I missed all of this. How long has this been happening?”

Regulus shrugged. “A while.”

“A while?” Sirius said sharply.

Regulus’s eyes flicked toward him. “Yes.”

“You didn’t mention it.”

“Why would I mention my dating life to you?”

Sirius opened his mouth.

Closed it.

Opened it again.

Remus put a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t answer that.”

“I’m his brother.”

“You’re currently making the exact face of someone about to be unreasonable.”

“I am being perfectly reasonable.”

“You look like you want to duel a Hufflepuff for kissing your brother.”

Hornkus raised his hand. “To be fair, I’m very duelable.”

“You’re very something,” Lily muttered.

Hornkus looked at her. “Thanks.”

“That was not praise.”

“It can be if I believe.”

Pandora, now standing directly in front of him, reached up and poked one of his red hair streaks.

Hornkus tilted his head obligingly.

“Fascinating,” she murmured.

“Oi,” Barty snapped. “Don’t touch it.”

Pandora looked over her shoulder. “Why? Jealous?”

“No.”

Dorcas gasped dramatically. “Barty, are you protective of your duplicate?”

“I am going to hex everyone in this hallway.”

Evan said, “You’ll miss.”

“I will not.”

“You’re too angry. Your aim gets theatrical.”

Hornkus nodded. “He does seem theatrical.”

Barty’s wand was suddenly in his hand.

Half the Gryffindors flinched.

Regulus sighed and said, sharply, “Barty.”

Barty stopped.

Not calmly.

Not willingly.

But he stopped.

The wand stayed in his hand. His jaw stayed clenched. His eyes remained fixed on Hornkus like Hornkus was a stain on the fabric of reality.

Regulus lifted one eyebrow.

“Put it away.”

Barty glared.

Regulus did not move.

Barty glared harder.

Regulus waited.

With a noise of pure disgust, Barty shoved his wand back into his sleeve.

Hornkus leaned down toward Regulus’s ear and whispered loudly, “That was hot.”

Regulus’s mouth twitched.

Sirius made a strangled sound. “I’m going to be sick.”

James clapped him on the back. “There, there.”

“Do not touch me.”

“You need support.”

“I need this to stop happening.”

“It has already happened,” Mary said. “Emotionally, we’re all changed.”

Peter nodded solemnly. “I feel different.”

“Worse,” Remus said.

“Definitely worse,” Peter agreed.

Alice tilted her head at Hornkus. “Are you always like this?”

Hornkus thought about it with visible effort.

“No.”

Everyone waited.

He did not elaborate.

Frank blinked. “Right.”

Hornkus added, “Sometimes I’m asleep.”

Gideon wheezed.

Fabian pointed at Barty and Hornkus again. “No, seriously, how has no one noticed this before? They’re practically the same person.”

Barty looked murderous. “We are not.”

Hornkus said, “He wishes.”

“I would rather be fed to a troll.”

“Bit dramatic.”

“You dress like a bin with legs.”

Hornkus looked down at himself again. “A hot bin.”

Dorcas nodded. “Unfortunately, he has confidence.”

“That’s half the battle,” Hornkus said.

“The other half is hygiene,” Lily said.

Hornkus nodded sagely. “Working on that.”

Regulus finally pulled fully out of Hornkus’s hold, smoothing his robes with icy dignity, despite the fact that his hair was slightly mussed and his mouth still looked kissed.

It ruined the effect.

Sirius noticed.

Sirius looked like he might actually combust.

Regulus caught the look and gave him one of those small, sharp smiles that had probably been designed in a pureblood nursery as a weapon.

“What?”

Sirius pointed at Hornkus again. “Him?”

Regulus looked Hornkus over.

Hornkus immediately straightened, badly, and tried to look charming.

He failed.

Spectacularly.

One of his flannel sleeves was inside-out. His tie was tied so badly it looked personally offended. There was a tiny burn hole near the hem of his shirt. He smiled with complete, unearned self-satisfaction.

Regulus said, “Yes.”

Sirius’s voice cracked. “Why?”

Hornkus answered before Regulus could.

“Because I’m gorgeous and emotionally complicated.”

“You are visually confusing and probably sticky,” Sirius snapped.

Hornkus looked down at his hands. “Not currently.”

“Merlin,” Lily said, turning away.

Marlene howled.

Mary grabbed Lily’s arm, laughing despite herself.

Alice buried her face in Frank’s sleeve.

Frank looked like he desperately wished to be anywhere else but was too polite to leave.

James was nearly crying with laughter now, one hand braced against the wall.

Remus, traitorous and exhausted, was smiling faintly.

Sirius rounded on him. “Don’t you dare.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“You smiled.”

“It slipped.”

“It slipped,” James repeated, delighted. “Moony, that’s beautiful.”

Regulus glanced at Hornkus. “Stop speaking.”

Hornkus zipped his lips with two fingers, then immediately said, “For you.”

Barty gagged.

Dorcas patted his shoulder. “There, there.”

“Remove your hand before I remove yours.”

“You’re so tense. You should try whatever Hornkus is having.”

Hornkus brightened. “Aria’s stuff is brilliant.”

“Stop advertising drugs in the corridor,” Lily said sharply.

Hornkus nodded. “Right. Sorry, redhead prefect energy.”

“I’m not a prefect.”

“You should be.”

“She is,” James said dreamily, “in spirit.”

Lily shot him a look.

James immediately looked at the floor.

Pandora was still circling Hornkus, peering at him from different angles.

“Do you have all of Barty’s organs?” she asked.

Hornkus considered. “Probably.”

“Can I check?”

“No,” Regulus said.

Pandora pouted. “For friendship?”

“No.”

“For science?”

“No.”

“For maternal closure?”

Hornkus placed a hand over his heart. “Let her check, Reg. She made me.”

Regulus looked at him. “She did not make you.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I know that.”

“You weren’t there.”

“I know exactly where Pandora was when you were born.”

Pandora smiled dreamily. “Do you?”

Regulus paused.

Barty groaned. “Don’t encourage her.”

Evan, now calmly inspecting what he had stolen from Hornkus, said, “This is better than your usual stuff.”

Hornkus turned to him. “Give it back.”

“No.”

“I need that.”

“You absolutely do not.”

Hornkus leaned toward Regulus. “Your friend’s robbing me again.”

“Again?” James said.

Dorcas grinned. “Evan steals from him constantly.”

Evan shrugged. “He never notices fast enough.”

“I notice,” Hornkus protested.

“After.”

“That still counts.”

Barty’s expression sharpened with sudden, vicious pleasure. “You’re too stupid to know when you’re being robbed.”

Hornkus pointed at him, delighted. “There he is.”

Barty froze. “What?”

“That’s the face. The angry little rich boy face.”

“I will kill you.”

“See? Obsessed.”

Barty made another lunge.

This time Dorcas caught him by the shoulders from behind and laughed directly into his ear.

“No, no, keep going, I want to see how red you can get.”

“Dorcas!”

“You’re matching his hair streaks.”

Hornkus touched his red streaks proudly. “Aw, we’re bonding.”

“We are not bonding.”

Pandora drifted beside Barty and patted his cheek. “Sibling rivalry is very normal at this stage.”

Barty knocked her hand away. “He is not my sibling.”

Hornkus lifted his hand again. “Question.”

“No,” Barty snapped.

Hornkus asked anyway. “If we’re twins, which one of us is the evil one?”

Everyone looked at Barty.

Barty stared around at them, offended beyond language.

“Are you serious?”

Sirius, still grimacing, said, “Sadly, yes?”

James snorted so hard he had to lean into Peter.

Peter, infected by the madness of the corridor, started laughing too.

Mary wiped tears from the corners of her eyes. “I’m sorry, Barty, but that was set up perfectly.”

“I despise all of you,” Barty said.

Regulus adjusted his cuffs. “You say that constantly.”

“I mean it constantly.”

Hornkus leaned closer to Regulus again, apparently incapable of standing upright without gravitating back toward him.

Barty immediately pointed at the space between them. “Stop that.”

Hornkus froze with exaggerated innocence. “Stop what?”

“Hovering.”

“I’m not hovering.”

“You’re always hovering.”

“I’m boyfriend-shaped.”

“You’re pest-shaped.”

Regulus’s mouth twitched again.

Dorcas saw it and gasped. “Oh my God, Regulus actually likes him.”

Regulus’s expression flattened instantly. “I tolerate him.”

Hornkus grinned slowly. “He likes me.”

“I tolerate you.”

“He kisses me.”

“To annoy Barty.”

“Still counts.”

Regulus looked at him.

Hornkus looked back, smug and messy and dazed, his grin crooked.

Regulus held the stare for two seconds too long, then looked away.

Hornkus’s smugness became unbearable.

Barty saw it and nearly levitated from rage.

“No,” Barty said. “No. Absolutely not. Regulus, you cannot seriously be rewarding this.”

Regulus lifted his chin. “I can do what I like.”

“He is me if I fell into a ditch,” Barty said, voice shaking with disgust, “and then the ditch got custody.”

Hornkus’s face lit up.

“That’s actually dead sweet, mate.”

“It was an insult.”

“Yeah, but you imagined us sharing something. That’s progress.”

Barty inhaled sharply.

Evan murmured, “Careful. He’s about to make a noise only dogs can hear.”

Barty rounded on him. “Why are you so calm?”

“Because this is funny.”

“This is not funny.”

“It is a bit,” Regulus said.

Barty looked betrayed all over again.

Hornkus took immediate advantage of it.

He slid back behind Regulus like a particularly irritating shadow and looped both arms around his waist, hooking his chin over Regulus’s shoulder with a smug, lazy grin. Regulus allowed it with the distant patience of someone letting a cat sit on a piece of important paperwork.

Barty stared at the hands around Regulus.

Hornkus looked directly at him.

Slowly, deliberately, he hugged Regulus tighter.

Barty’s jaw clicked.

“Take your hands off him.”

Hornkus gasped. “Jealous.”

“I am not jealous.”

“Possessive, then.”

“I am protective.”

“Same jumper, different sleeve.”

Dorcas cackled.

“That’s awful,” she said. “Say more.”

Hornkus pointed at her. “I like you.”

“Don’t,” Barty snapped.

“I don’t answer to you, green me.”

“You are not red me.”

“Red me is funnier.”

“You are barely literate.”

Hornkus looked wounded. “I can read.”

Evan, without looking up from the stolen packet in his hand, said, “Can you?”

Hornkus hesitated.

“Depends on font.”

James made a noise like a kettle boiling over and had to clutch Peter’s shoulder.

Peter, who had spent the last minute looking between Barty and Hornkus like he was watching a cursed mirror argue with itself, whispered, “I don’t like that I can see it.”

“See what?” Mary asked, still grinning.

“That they look the same,” Peter said. “But also completely different. Like… one of them was raised by purebloods and the other was raised by a bin behind a music shop.”

Hornkus nodded solemnly. “That bin taught me values.”

Barty’s lip curled. “Clearly not hygiene.”

Hornkus tucked his face more snugly beside Regulus’s neck. “Reg doesn’t mind.”

Sirius made another strangled sound.

Regulus tilted his head slightly away, not sharply enough to mean stop, but enough to make Hornkus grin because he had definitely noticed the boundary and decided to hover right at the edge of it like an obnoxious little moth.

“Regulus,” Sirius said, sounding as though every word physically hurt him, “please remove the Hufflepuff.”

“No.”

“He’s attached to you like damp wallpaper.”

Hornkus smiled. “Pretty damp wallpaper.”

Lily shut her eyes. “Why would you say that?”

“Honesty.”

“Try silence.”

“I’m bad at that.”

“Stunning revelation,” Remus muttered.

Hornkus glanced toward Remus. “You’re the tired one.”

Remus blinked. “I’m sorry?”

“Every group has one. The tired one.” Hornkus nodded at him like he had solved a great mystery. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost and it asked you for homework.”

Remus stared.

Then, despite himself, he laughed once under his breath.

James immediately pointed at him. “He got you.”

“He did not get me.”

“He absolutely got you.”

“I am simply acknowledging accuracy.”

“That’s being got.”

Sirius looked personally betrayed. “Moony, don’t encourage the creature.”

Pandora drifted behind Hornkus and peered over his shoulder at Sirius. “Creature is an interesting classification. Not technically incorrect.”

Hornkus looked delighted. “See? My mother agrees.”

Pandora clasped his shoulder. “My little escaped mistake.”

Barty looked up at the ceiling. “I am going to walk into the lake.”

Dorcas leaned beside him. “Want company?”

“No.”

“Good, because I wanted to watch from shore.”

Hornkus’s grin widened. “Can I come?”

Barty snapped his head toward him. “No.”

Hornkus pressed a hand to his chest, still clinging to Regulus with the other arm. “Family outing ruined.”

“We are not family.”

“You say that, but we’ve got the same face.”

“We do not.”

Everyone looked between them again.

Barty visibly hated every single pair of eyes.

Marlene leaned toward Mary and whispered, very audibly, “They really do.”

Mary nodded. “It’s actually offensive.”

Alice tilted her head. “It’s the nose.”

Frank squinted. “And the mouth.”

Fabian added, “And the whole… everything.”

Gideon gestured vaguely at both boys. “Same haunted scarecrow, different dye job.”

Barty made a sharp movement toward his wand.

Regulus said, “No hexing the Gryffindors.”

Barty froze. “Why not?”

“Because I don’t want detention.”

“You wouldn’t get detention.”

“I would. They’d scream.”

James’s hand flew to his chest. “Excuse me, I do not scream.”

“You screamed when you saw Hornkus,” Regulus said.

James opened his mouth, then closed it. “That was different. That was an emotional emergency.”

“It was a snog,” Lily said.

“It was a cultural event,” Fabian corrected.

“A tragedy,” Sirius said.

“A blessing,” Hornkus said.

“An accident,” Barty snapped.

Hornkus leaned around Regulus to look at him. “You keep saying that, but Reg’s the one who keeps letting me kiss him.”

Regulus, traitorously calm, said nothing.

Barty stared at him.

“Regulus.”

Regulus brushed imaginary dust from his sleeve. “What?”

“Deny it.”

“No.”

Barty looked wounded in a way so dramatic it should have had orchestral accompaniment.

Dorcas slapped a hand over her mouth, eyes bright with wicked joy. “Oh, he’s dying. Look at him. He’s fully dying.”

“I hope I do,” Barty said.

Hornkus hummed thoughtfully. “Can I have your bed?”

“No.”

“Your shoes?”

“No.”

“Your hair dye?”

“I will haunt you.”

Hornkus perked up. “Sexy.”

Barty choked.

Lily’s face twisted in horror. “Absolutely not.”

Mary burst out laughing. “He just says things, doesn’t he?”

“Constantly,” Regulus said.

“And you tolerate that?” Alice asked.

Regulus glanced back at Hornkus.

Hornkus, sensing attention, gave him a grin that was all lazy confidence and zero shame. There was something genuinely ridiculous about it, like a dog pleased with itself for stealing a sandwich.

Regulus looked away first.

“I’ve learned to ignore most of it.”

“No, you haven’t,” Hornkus said smugly.

Regulus’s eyes narrowed. “Do not start.”

Hornkus immediately started.

“You pretend you hate it, but you don’t. You get that little look.”

“I do not have a little look.”

“You do. All icy and murdery.”

“That is my normal face.”

“Exactly.”

Regulus stared at him.

Hornkus stared back.

Then Hornkus winked.

Barty made a sound of anguish.

Dorcas clutched his arm, laughing so hard she nearly fell into him. “This is the best day of my life.”

“It is the worst day of mine,” Barty said.

“You said that when Slughorn paired you with Peter.”

Peter, offended, said, “Oi.”

Barty didn’t even glance at him. “And I meant it then too.”

Peter looked at James. “Was I that bad?”

James opened his mouth.

Lily pointed at him. “Be kind.”

James shut his mouth again.

Peter sighed. “That answers that.”

Hornkus had begun swaying again, slow and loose, still draped over Regulus like he had no bones. Regulus planted one hand against the wall beside him, steadying them both with a sigh.

“Are you going to stand properly,” Regulus asked, “or collapse?”

Hornkus considered this.

“Both?”

“Absolutely not.”

“You’re so strict with me.”

“You require supervision.”

Hornkus turned his head enough to grin at the group. “He worries.”

Regulus said, “I do not.”

“He worries loads. Pretends he doesn’t. Very cute.”

Sirius looked at Regulus as if expecting immediate denial.

Regulus said nothing.

Sirius’s face fell into outright horror.

“Oh my God,” he whispered. “You do like him.”

Regulus looked bored. “You’re still here?”

Sirius pointed between them again. “This cannot be your standard.”

Hornkus made an offended noise. “I’m standing right here.”

“Barely,” Sirius said. “You are slouching right there.”

Hornkus nodded. “Flexible.”

“No one asked,” Lily snapped.

Hornkus gave her a finger-gun. “Sorry.”

Marlene wiped at her eyes. “I can’t believe Regulus Black, tiny prince of the dungeon, is dating a Hufflepuff stoner with bargain-bin Barty’s face.”

Hornkus looked touched. “That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

“That was not nice.”

“I choose joy.”

Barty stared at Marlene. “Bargain-bin?”

Marlene winced. “Sorry.”

“No, no,” Dorcas said, grinning. “It fits.”

“It does not fit.”

Hornkus leaned forward over Regulus’s shoulder. “I’m actually premium.”

“You are not,” Evan said.

“You stole from me. That makes me valuable.”

“That makes you slow.”

Hornkus held up a finger. “Or trusting.”

Evan finally looked at him.

“No.”

Hornkus lowered his finger. “Fair.”

Pandora, who had produced a quill from somewhere and was apparently taking notes on her own palm, murmured, “Subject displays remarkable ego preservation despite repeated social injury.”

Hornkus craned his neck. “Is that about me?”

“Yes.”

“Make sure you write handsome.”

“I wrote greasy.”

“Close enough.”

Barty folded both arms and glared at Regulus. “I still don’t understand how this continued beyond the initial joke.”

Regulus sighed.

Hornkus rested his cheek against Regulus’s shoulder again. “Chemistry.”

Barty recoiled. “Disgusting.”

“Not like potions chemistry. Better chemistry.”

“Stop.”

“Like when two things react and get hot.”

Lily covered her face.

Alice said, “Oh dear.”

Frank looked at the floor.

Mary slapped Marlene’s arm, laughing helplessly.

Marlene gasped, “He’s horrible.”

Hornkus nodded, pleased. “But charming.”

“No,” several people said at once.

Regulus, without looking at him, said, “You are not charming.”

Hornkus’s grin went slow and smug. “You kissed me first.”

Everyone went silent.

Barty’s head turned with terrifying slowness.

Regulus’s face went blank.

Sirius whispered, “What.”

James whispered, “No.”

Remus whispered, “Oh, Regulus.”

Regulus’s eyes sharpened. “Hornkus.”

Hornkus, already committed to the bit and possibly too high to fear death, continued cheerfully.

“What? You did. You got all annoyed because Barty told you I was unbearable, and then you said—”

Regulus turned around in Hornkus’s arms and grabbed the front of his shirt.

Hornkus stopped talking instantly.

Not because he was frightened.

Because he looked delighted.

Regulus said, very softly, “Finish that sentence and I’ll hex your tongue to the roof of your mouth.”

Hornkus blinked down at him.

Then smiled.

“Worth it.”

Barty lunged for real.

Evan caught him around the waist this time.

Dorcas caught one of his arms.

Pandora grabbed his sleeve with a dreamy, “No murdering your reflection in front of witnesses.”

Barty thrashed. “Let me go!”

Hornkus, because he had apparently been born without survival instincts, looked over Regulus’s head and said, “Careful, greenie, you’ll make me feel wanted.”

Barty kicked at the air.

“I’m going to end you!”

“Obsessed.”

“I am not obsessed!”

“You are obsessed with me and my mouth.”

The sound Sirius made was indescribable.

Lily pointed sharply at Hornkus. “No. Less.”

Hornkus held both hands up, though one immediately returned to Regulus’s hip like it had been magnetised. “Right. Sorry. Family-friendly corridor.”

“This has never been family-friendly,” Remus said.

“It was doomed at the name Hornkus,” Gideon said.

Fabian nodded. “Binglefuck really sealed it.”

Hornkus smiled at them. “You lot are alright.”

“We’re not approving of you,” Fabian said.

“Don’t need approval. Got Reg.”

Sirius stiffened again. “You do not have Reg.”

Regulus’s eyes flicked toward his brother, cold and warning.

Hornkus, unfortunately, grinned.

“I mean,” he said, “he did have his hands in my—”

Regulus clapped a hand over his mouth.

Fast.

Firm.

The corridor erupted.

James shouted in laughter.

Mary screamed into Lily’s shoulder.

Marlene turned around and hit the wall with her palm, wheezing.

Alice hid behind Frank entirely.

Frank’s ears had gone bright red.

Peter made a choking sound that might have been horror or delight.

Fabian and Gideon were leaning on each other, absolutely gone.

Remus looked like he was praying for the floor to open up, but his mouth was twitching again.

Sirius had gone pale.

“Do not,” Regulus said calmly, hand still over Hornkus’s mouth, “finish that thought.”

Hornkus’s eyes smiled above Regulus’s fingers.

He mumbled something.

Regulus narrowed his eyes. “No.”

Hornkus mumbled again.

“No.”

Another muffled mumble.

Regulus rolled his eyes and removed his hand.

Hornkus immediately said, “I was going to say pockets.”

“No, you weren’t,” Dorcas said.

Hornkus shrugged. “Legally, you can’t prove that.”

Barty stopped struggling just long enough to stare at him with total hatred. “You are repulsive.”

“Yeah, but your best friend’s into it.”

“I am not,” Regulus said.

Hornkus looked down at him.

Regulus looked up.

A beat passed.

Hornkus smiled.

Regulus looked away.

Dorcas pointed. “There. That little look. I saw it.”

“I hate all of you,” Regulus said.

“No, you don’t,” Pandora said. “You keep us for enrichment.”

“Like ravens,” Evan added.

“Like diseases,” Barty snapped.

Hornkus raised his hand. “Can I be a disease?”

“You already are,” Barty said.

“Aw.”

“That was not affectionate.”

“It felt affectionate.”

“Because you’re deranged.”

Hornkus leaned against Regulus again and looked at the Gryffindors with the lazy confidence of someone who had never once been humbled by reality.

“For the record,” he said, “I’m not gay.”

The silence after that was immediate.

Sharp.

Disbelieving.

Then everyone looked at Regulus.

Then everyone looked at Hornkus’s arm around Regulus’s waist.

Then at the fact Hornkus had just spent several minutes practically melting into Regulus in public.

Regulus’s expression became faintly amused.

Barty closed his eyes.

Dorcas whispered, “Oh, this is going to be incredible.”

Lily said, “You’re not gay.”

Hornkus nodded. “Correct.”

Mary stared. “You were just kissing Regulus.”

“Yeah.”

“With tongue,” James said helpfully.

Sirius whipped toward him. “Why would you remind me?”

James winced. “Sorry.”

Hornkus shrugged. “That’s different.”

Alice blinked. “How?”

Hornkus looked at Regulus with complete sincerity, as if this answer made perfect sense in whatever smoky little room his brain lived in.

“Because it’s Reg.”

Regulus lifted an eyebrow.

Hornkus gestured at him like he was presenting evidence to court.

“Look at him.”

Everyone did.

Regulus stood there with his robes neat again, chin slightly lifted, hair dark and soft around his face, expression unreadable and sharp and lovely in that cold, untouchable Black-family way.

Hornkus nodded, satisfied.

“Exactly.”

Barty pinched the bridge of his nose. “That is not how sexuality works.”

Hornkus frowned. “Says who?”

“Everyone.”

“I don’t listen to everyone.”

“You barely listen to anyone.”

Hornkus nodded at Regulus. “I listen to him.”

Regulus said, “No, you don’t.”

“I do sometimes.”

“When?”

“When you tell me to kiss you quieter.”

Regulus’s eyes flashed.

Sirius staggered back as though struck.

Lily turned away with a sharp, “Nope.”

Marlene howled.

Mary physically crouched, laughing into her hands.

Frank muttered, “Goodness.”

Alice squeaked.

Remus said, “I’m beginning to think we should leave.”

“No one is leaving,” James said, eyes wild with glee. “This is history.”

“This is trauma,” Sirius said.

Hornkus looked pleased with himself. “Anyway, not gay.”

Barty stared at him.

“You have your arms around a boy.”

“Yeah.”

“You were kissing him.”

“Yeah.”

“You keep making obscene comments about him.”

Hornkus shrugged. “He’s pretty.”

“That is gay!”

“No, that’s eyesight.”

Dorcas fell fully against the wall, cackling.

Pandora gasped like she had just witnessed a scientific breakthrough. “Fascinating. Subject has invented optical heterosexuality.”

Evan nodded. “Write that down.”

Pandora wrote something on her palm.

Barty looked like he was going to start chewing stone.

Hornkus continued, entirely earnest and deeply stupid. “Regulus is the prettiest, hottest bloke in school. That’s not me being gay. That’s me being correct.”

Regulus’s mouth twitched.

Barty saw it. “Do not encourage him.”

Regulus looked at him. “I didn’t speak.”

“Your face did.”

Hornkus nodded. “His face talks to me all the time.”

“Your face is about to meet my fist.”

“Obsessed with my face too.”

“You have my face!”

“Our face.”

Barty lunged again.

This time Evan sighed before catching him.

“You’re making this too easy for him.”

“I don’t care.”

“You do. That’s the problem.”

Hornkus leaned down toward Regulus and murmured, loud enough for everyone, “He’s so cute when he’s furious.”

Regulus replied dryly, “I’m aware.”

Barty’s head snapped toward him. “You are not taking his side.”

“I’m not taking anyone’s side.”

“You called me cute.”

“You are acting like a kicked kneazle.”

Dorcas snorted. “That’s accurate.”

“Not helping,” Barty snapped.

“I was never helping.”

Pandora smiled sweetly. “I think this is growth.”

“For whom?” Mary asked.

Pandora looked between Barty and Hornkus. “The specimen line.”

Hornkus gasped. “We’re a line now.”

Barty said, “I am going to vomit blood.”

Gideon leaned toward Fabian. “Do you think McGonagall would let us submit this as a Transfiguration essay?”

Fabian nodded seriously. “On accidental duplication.”

“I am not duplicated,” Barty said.

Hornkus waggled his eyebrows. “You wish you had this range.”

“What range? You have two moods. Sleazy and unconscious.”

Hornkus considered this. “Three.”

“What’s the third?”

Hornkus looked at Regulus and grinned.

Regulus said, “Do not.”

Hornkus did.

“Hungry.”

Regulus stared.

Then, despite himself, breathed out the smallest, most reluctant laugh.

It was barely there.

Almost nothing.

A crack in the marble.

But everyone saw it.

Sirius looked ruined.

Barty looked betrayed.

Hornkus looked victorious.

Dorcas pointed dramatically. “He laughed! He laughed at it!”

“I did not,” Regulus said at once.

“You did,” Mary said, delighted.

“That was a breath.”

“That was a laugh-shaped breath,” James said.

Remus nodded. “Technically.”

Regulus shot him a look.

Remus lifted both hands. “I’m staying neutral.”

“You are not,” Sirius said. “You’re aiding the enemy.”

“Which one?” Peter asked.

Sirius gestured helplessly at Hornkus. “The damp one!”

Hornkus sniffed his sleeve. “I’m mostly dry.”

“Mostly?” Lily echoed.

Hornkus gave her a solemn look. “Life is complicated.”

Lily looked at Regulus. “How do you have patience for this?”

Regulus glanced at Hornkus, who was now trying to balance his chin on the top of Regulus’s head and failing because Regulus kept subtly shifting away.

“I don’t.”

“You do,” Hornkus said.

“I don’t.”

“You let me follow you.”

“You followed me anyway.”

“You let me stay.”

Regulus went quiet.

The teasing in the corridor softened for half a second, not fully, not enough to become sentimental, but enough that even James stopped laughing.

Hornkus, either unaware of the shift or refusing to acknowledge it, gave Regulus’s waist a squeeze and added, “And you fancy me loads.”

The softness shattered instantly.

Barty barked, “He does not.”

Hornkus grinned. “Why are you answering for him?”

“Because he has standards.”

Regulus said, “I can answer for myself.”

Barty turned to him. “Then answer.”

Regulus looked at Barty.

Then at Hornkus.

Hornkus’s grin was huge now, messy and expectant and infuriating.

Regulus said, “No comment.”

The corridor detonated.

Dorcas screamed laughing.

Pandora clapped.

Evan looked mildly impressed.

Marlene slapped Mary’s shoulder.

James doubled over.

Peter wheezed.

Alice gasped, “Regulus!”

Frank muttered, “Well. There it is.”

Sirius stared into the middle distance, empty-eyed. “I have lost my brother to a Hufflepuff named Hornkus.”

Remus patted his shoulder. “There was no handbook for this.”

“There should have been.”

Hornkus pointed both finger-guns at Barty.

“No comment,” he repeated smugly. “You hear that?”

Barty’s expression turned lethal. “I heard.”

“He fancies me.”

“I heard what he said.”

“He wants me.”

Regulus turned sharply. “Push it and I’ll deny everything.”

Hornkus’s hands lowered at once. “Right. Playing it cool.”

“You don’t know how.”

“I can learn.”

“You won’t.”

“I can pretend.”

“Badly.”

Hornkus smiled. “Still got no comment.”

Regulus closed his eyes for a second, as though gathering every aristocratic scrap of patience he owned.

Barty leaned closer to Evan, voice low and dangerous. “Give me my wand.”

“You have your wand.”

“Give me a better one.”

“No.”

Dorcas leaned around Evan. “Hornkus, ask him if he’s jealous again.”

Hornkus immediately brightened.

Regulus pointed at him. “Don’t.”

Hornkus deflated. “But—”

“No.”

“But he gets so red.”

“No.”

Barty snapped, “I do not get red.”

“You’re getting red now,” Mary said.

Barty turned on her.

Mary smiled sweetly.

Lily stepped slightly in front of her friend with the automatic energy of someone absolutely ready to argue with an angry Slytherin in the middle of the corridor.

Barty looked at Lily, assessed the situation, then looked away.

James whispered, “Evans just scared Barty.”

Lily said, “I heard that.”

“I meant it romantically.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“I could.”

“No.”

Hornkus leaned toward Regulus again. “Your brother’s friends are chaotic.”

Regulus said, “Your existence has reduced them to this.”

“Powerful, aren’t I?”

“You’re something.”

Hornkus smiled, pleased with even that crumb.

Then his gaze slid back to Barty.

And because Hornkus was, evidently, committed to making survival a distant dream, he tilted his head and said, “You know, if Reg ever gets bored, I reckon he could just swap me out for you and no one would know.”

Barty went still.

The entire corridor sucked in air.

Regulus turned his head slowly.

“Hornkus.”

Hornkus blinked.

“What?”

Regulus’s voice went flat. “Run.”

Hornkus looked at Barty.

Barty smiled.

It was not a nice smile.

Hornkus’s stoned little grin faltered for the first time.

“Oh,” he said. “That one landed different.”

Barty took one step forward.

Hornkus unwrapped himself from Regulus with sudden, shocking speed.

“Right,” he said. “Lovely meeting everyone.”

Barty lunged.

Hornkus bolted.

He did not run gracefully.

He ran like a startled deer with no plan and too many limbs, flannel flying, robes flapping, one hand clamped over his pocket as if only now remembering Evan had robbed him. Barty tore after him, wand half out, shouting something about bloodlines, impersonation, and “my face is not public property!”

Dorcas screamed with laughter and sprinted after them.

“Barty, wait! I want to see if he trips!”

Pandora followed at a dreamy little skip. “Hornkus, come back! I haven’t finished documenting your mating delusions!”

Evan glanced at Regulus.

Regulus looked down the corridor where his boyfriend and his best friend had vanished in a storm of shouting.

Evan held up the stolen packet.

Regulus said, “Keep it.”

Evan nodded and walked after the chaos at a leisurely pace.

The Gryffindors stayed frozen.

Somewhere around the corner, Hornkus yelled, “I’M NOT GAY, I’M JUST OBSERVANT!”

Barty roared, “I’LL MAKE YOU OBSERVE THE HOSPITAL WING!”

Dorcas howled, “Run faster, red Barty!”

Pandora sang, “My escaped boy has legs!”

A crash followed.

Then a portrait shrieked.

Then Hornkus shouted, “I’M FINE!”

A pause.

Then, slightly quieter:

“REG, IF I DIE, TELL PEOPLE I WAS FIT!”

Regulus did not move.

His face remained perfectly still, perfectly composed, the very portrait of aristocratic indifference.

Only his eyelid twitched.

Sirius saw it.

Sirius looked at him slowly.

“Regulus.”

Regulus stared down the corridor.

Another crash sounded.

Then Barty’s voice, furious and distant: “STOP USING MY FACE TO GET SYMPATHY!”

Hornkus yelled back, “IT WORKS ON REG!”

A beat.

Then Dorcas absolutely lost it somewhere out of sight.

Regulus closed his eyes.

James pressed both hands over his mouth like he was trying to physically hold in his soul.

Mary had doubled over again, one hand gripping Lily’s sleeve for balance.

Lily looked as though she had lost several years of her life in the last ten minutes alone.

Marlene was openly crying with laughter now, shoulders shaking, face red.

Alice, still half-hidden behind Frank, whispered, “This is the strangest thing I’ve ever witnessed.”

Frank nodded, stunned. “And we go to Hogwarts.”

Fabian leaned against Gideon, gasping. “Regulus, I need you to understand something.”

Regulus did not look at him. “No.”

“I need you to understand that none of us are ever recovering from this.”

“Speak for yourself,” Regulus said coldly.

Gideon pointed toward the corner where the chaos had disappeared. “Your boyfriend just shouted that his resemblance to Barty works on you.”

Regulus’s mouth flattened.

Sirius made a wounded sound. “I hate that sentence.”

Remus, ever the worst kind of calm, said, “To be fair, it explains a great deal.”

Regulus turned his head.

Slowly.

Remus blinked.

Then seemed to realise what he had said.

“Not morally,” Remus added quickly. “Academically.”

James wheezed. “Academically?”

“I panicked.”

Lily gave him a sympathetic little nod. “Understandable.”

Sirius stared at Regulus like he was trying to read him by force.

“You are not going to just stand there and pretend you didn’t hear that.”

Regulus lifted one shoulder. “Hornkus says many things.”

“Yes,” Sirius snapped. “That’s the problem.”

“He’s harmless.”

“He said, ‘If I die, tell people I was fit.’”

“Accurate enough.”

Sirius’s face collapsed. “No.”

Regulus looked at him mildly. “You asked.”

“I did not.”

“You implied.”

“I implied distress.”

“You always imply distress.”

James put an arm around Sirius’s shoulders. “He’s got you there, Pads.”

“Do not take his side.”

“I’m not taking sides. I’m observing a family collapse.”

Mary straightened, wiping at her eyes. “Regulus, did you actually start kissing him because he looked like Barty?”

Regulus stared at her.

Mary stared back, smiling sweetly.

“Because,” she added, “I feel like that part got lost under all the screaming.”

“It did not get lost,” Barty shouted from somewhere around the corner. “I REMEMBER!”

Hornkus yelled, “THEN REMEMBER I’M HOTTER!”

A sharp bang followed.

Hornkus yelped.

Pandora called, “That was not a controlled test!”

Regulus exhaled through his nose.

“No,” he said at last.

Everyone leaned in.

Regulus looked deeply annoyed by the collective movement.

“No,” he repeated. “I started speaking to him because he looked like Barty.”

Sirius’s mouth opened.

Regulus cut him off. “To annoy Barty.”

“That does not make it better,” Lily said.

“It does a little,” Marlene said.

“It does not,” Lily insisted.

“It makes it funnier,” Marlene corrected.

Regulus ignored them both.

“Then Hornkus continued appearing.”

“Appearing,” Peter repeated.

“Yes.”

“Like mould?” Fabian asked.

“Or haunting,” Gideon said.

Regulus considered this. “Both are accurate.”

Another noise from the corridor.

A thump.

Then Hornkus yelling, “MY ELBOW!”

Barty snapped, “GOOD!”

Dorcas shouted, “His elbow does look like yours, Barty!”

Barty screamed, “IT DOES NOT!”

Pandora, thoughtfully: “The resemblance is less pronounced in the joints.”

Remus leaned slightly to peer around the corner. “They’re not killing each other.”

“Yet,” Sirius said darkly.

“They’re making excellent time, though,” James said.

Regulus rubbed at his temple.

Mary watched him with glittering interest. “And then he became your friend?”

Regulus’s hand dropped. “Unfortunately.”

Marlene grinned. “And then more than your friend?”

Regulus’s eyes narrowed.

Hornkus chose that exact moment to skid back into view.

Not elegantly.

Not triumphantly.

He appeared sideways around the corner, one hand braced against the wall, hair wilder than before, flannel half off one shoulder, grinning like he had personally won a war.

Behind him, Barty appeared with murder in his eyes.

Dorcas was behind Barty, laughing too hard to properly run.

Pandora drifted into view last, still apparently taking notes.

Evan walked behind them all with his hands in his pockets, entirely unbothered.

Hornkus pointed at Regulus.

“There he is.”

Regulus stared at him. “Yes. I have remained where I was.”

Hornkus stumbled toward him, somehow managing to look both pursued and smug. “Missed you.”

“You were gone for forty seconds.”

“Long forty seconds.”

Barty snapped, “Do not reward him.”

Regulus folded his arms. “I haven’t.”

Hornkus reached him and immediately tried to tuck himself at Regulus’s side again.

Regulus held out one hand and planted it against Hornkus’s chest, stopping him from fully collapsing into him.

Hornkus looked down at the hand.

Then up at Regulus.

Then grinned.

“Aw.”

Regulus’s stare sharpened. “Do not make that sound.”

“You’re touching me.”

“I’m preventing impact.”

“Still counts.”

Sirius turned away, looking pained. “I need air.”

“You are in a corridor,” Lily said.

“I need different air.”

Barty stormed forward, hair falling into his face, green streaks vivid against his flushed cheeks. “Regulus, move.”

Regulus did not move.

Hornkus leaned slightly to the side, peering around Regulus’s shoulder. “You’ve got scary eyebrows when you’re mad.”

“I’m going to shave yours off.”

Hornkus gasped. “Reg likes my eyebrows.”

Regulus looked at him. “I have never said that.”

“You looked at them once.”

“I have eyes.”

“That’s what I’ve been saying,” Hornkus said brightly, turning back to Barty. “Having eyes isn’t gay.”

Barty’s nostrils flared. “You cannot keep saying that.”

Hornkus nodded. “I can, because it’s true.”

“It is not true.”

“Reg’s pretty.”

“That part is true,” Mary said without thinking.

Everyone looked at her.

Mary blinked.

Then lifted her chin. “What? He is. We’re all aware. He looks like a haunted porcelain prince with family trauma.”

Regulus looked mildly offended.

Marlene nodded. “Accurate.”

Alice smiled apologetically. “It is a fair description.”

Frank cleared his throat. “Very… polished.”

Fabian pointed. “See? Objective fact.”

Gideon nodded. “The court recognises pretty boy status.”

Hornkus spread both hands. “Thank you. Exactly. I’m not gay. I’m just literate in beauty.”

Lily stared. “That was almost a sentence.”

Remus nodded. “A terrible one, but yes.”

Barty looked ready to peel his own skin off. “You are not literate in anything.”

Hornkus ignored him and looked down at Regulus, voice dropping into a smug little purr.

“Prettiest boy in school.”

Regulus’s expression did not change.

But the tips of his ears went faintly pink.

Sirius saw.

Sirius made a devastated noise.

“Oh, for Merlin’s sake.”

James pointed immediately. “He liked that.”

Regulus snapped, “Potter.”

James lifted both hands. “I’m just the messenger.”

“No one sent you.”

“I was chosen by the moment.”

“Then the moment has poor taste.”

Hornkus, still watching Regulus, grinned like a cat in a dairy.

“He liked it.”

Regulus turned his head slowly. “You are on very thin ice.”

Hornkus lowered his voice, though not nearly enough. “You like when I call you pretty.”

Barty choked on pure rage.

Dorcas slammed a hand over her mouth, eyes shining.

Pandora whispered, “Subject responds positively to praise despite outward hostility.”

Evan glanced at her hand. “You’re writing on your sleeve now.”

“I ran out of palm.”

Lily exhaled sharply. “I cannot believe this is happening before Transfiguration.”

Marlene said, “This is better than Transfiguration.”

“Everything is better than Transfiguration,” Peter muttered.

James rounded on him. “Peter, betrayal.”

“Sorry.”

Hornkus had apparently forgotten Barty was trying to murder him again, because he had resumed slowly inching closer to Regulus.

Regulus let him get close enough that their shoulders brushed.

Barty pointed at the contact like a barrister exposing a crime.

“See? This is what I mean.”

Regulus looked at him. “You mean my shoulder?”

“I mean him.”

Hornkus smiled. “He means us.”

“There is no us.”

Hornkus leaned his cheek against Regulus’s hair.

Regulus immediately reached up and shoved his face away without looking.

Hornkus laughed, delighted.

“There’s definitely an us.”

Regulus said, “There is a you being annoying and a me being patient.”

Hornkus nodded. “Relationship.”

Barty made a harsh, strangled sound.

Dorcas wheezed. “He’s so easy to wind up.”

Hornkus pointed at her. “That’s what I’ve been saying. You poke him and he makes murder noises.”

“I do not make murder noises,” Barty snapped.

“You do,” Evan said.

“You just did,” Pandora added.

Frank, carefully, said, “There is a distinct sound.”

Barty turned on him. “Do not contribute.”

Frank immediately stepped back. “Right. Sorry.”

Alice patted his arm. “Brave attempt.”

Hornkus tilted his head at Barty. “You know, if you stopped being so jealous, this would be easier.”

The corridor went silent again.

Barty’s face went from flushed to deathly calm.

“Jealous,” he repeated.

Hornkus nodded, tragically fearless. “Yeah.”

“Of you.”

“Obviously.”

“Because you’re dating Regulus.”

Hornkus grinned. “There it is.”

Barty smiled.

Regulus looked at Hornkus and sighed. “You did that to yourself.”

Hornkus’s grin faltered. “Did what?”

Barty stepped forward.

Evan did not grab him this time.

Neither did Dorcas.

Pandora watched with scientific interest.

Hornkus looked around. “No one’s stopping him?”

Dorcas shook her head. “You earned this one.”

Hornkus glanced down at Regulus. “Babe?”

Sirius made a noise like a dying chair. “Do not call him that.”

Regulus’s eyes narrowed. “I warned you.”

Hornkus’s face shifted into panic, but only slightly. “Right. Fair. I retract jealous.”

Barty kept walking.

Hornkus backed up.

“Partially retract.”

Barty advanced.

Hornkus retreated farther.

“Fully retract.”

Barty raised his wand.

Hornkus pointed at him. “But emotionally?”

Barty lunged.

Hornkus bolted again.

This time, however, he only made it three steps before his shoe slid on a loose bit of parchment and he skidded sideways with a yelp, arms windmilling.

James shouted, “Oh, he’s going down!”

Hornkus slammed shoulder-first into the wall, bounced off, somehow stayed upright, and spun back around with the stunned pride of someone who had absolutely meant to do that.

“I’m fine.”

Barty stopped dead just to stare at him.

Dorcas whispered, “That was majestic.”

Pandora clapped politely. “Good survival reflexes. Poor elegance.”

Hornkus bowed.

Badly.

Nearly fell over again.

Regulus covered his mouth with one hand.

Sirius stared at him.

“Are you laughing?”

“No.”

“You are.”

“I am not.”

“You’re hiding your mouth.”

“I’m thinking.”

James leaned toward Lily. “He’s laughing.”

Lily nodded. “He’s absolutely laughing.”

Regulus dropped his hand and looked murderous, which only made Hornkus point at him triumphantly.

“See! I make him happy.”

“You make him concussed by proximity,” Barty snapped.

Hornkus strutted back, somehow already confident again despite the wall incident. “And yet.”

Regulus looked at him. “Do not cling.”

Hornkus stopped with one arm already half-raised.

Then slowly lowered it.

“Respectfully?”

“No.”

“What if I cling respectfully?”

“No.”

“What if I hover with intent?”

Regulus stared.

Hornkus whispered, “Shoulder contact?”

Regulus’s mouth twitched again. “Fine.”

Hornkus brightened instantly and pressed his shoulder against Regulus’s with the smug satisfaction of someone who had just negotiated a treaty.

Barty looked at the contact like it had personally insulted his ancestors.

Dorcas came up beside him. “You’ve got to admit, this is kind of adorable.”

“No, I do not.”

“Tiny icy prince and his damp bin boyfriend.”

Hornkus smiled. “That should be on a card.”

Regulus said, “It should not.”

Pandora pointed her quill at Hornkus. “I think your denial is fascinating.”

“My what?”

“Your insistence that your attraction to Regulus exists outside conventional identity categories.”

Hornkus blinked.

“Yeah,” he said slowly. “What she said.”

Barty barked a laugh with no humour in it. “You did not understand a word of that.”

“I understood Regulus.”

“That wasn’t even the main word.”

“It’s always the main word.”

Regulus glanced at Hornkus.

For once, Hornkus did not grin like he was about to say something revolting. He just looked pleased with himself, softer around the edges, still scruffy and ridiculous and thoroughly stoned, but oddly sincere for half a breath.

Then he ruined it.

“And hot.”

Regulus’s face went flat.

“There it is,” Remus said.

Lily muttered, “A beautiful moment assassinated in real time.”

Mary nodded. “By Hornkus Binglefuck.”

“Tragic,” Fabian said.

“Expected,” Gideon added.

Hornkus bowed again, less dangerously this time. “Thank you.”

Barty folded his arms. “I don’t know why you bother denying it. Everyone here knows.”

Hornkus frowned. “Knows what?”

“That you’re gay.”

Hornkus looked genuinely offended. “I’m not.”

“You’re standing beside your boyfriend.”

“Exception.”

“You called him hot.”

“Fact.”

“You kissed him in public.”

“Celebration.”

“You cling to him constantly.”

“Balance issue.”

“You threatened to die and asked him to tell people you were fit.”

“Legacy.”

Barty stared.

Hornkus stared back, serene and impossibly stupid.

Dorcas slowly slid down the wall until she was crouching, laughing into her knees.

Evan muttered, “He’s unbeatable because there’s nothing to beat.”

Pandora nodded gravely. “Like fog.”

“Like mildew,” Barty said.

Hornkus pointed. “Still natural.”

“Still unwanted.”

“Reg wants me.”

Barty snapped, “Say that again.”

Hornkus smiled like a man placing his hand willingly into a dragon’s mouth.

“Reg wants—”

Regulus clamped a hand over Hornkus’s mouth again.

Hornkus blinked down at him, eyes bright with laughter.

Regulus spoke without looking away from Barty.

“He is trying to make you angry.”

“He is succeeding.”

“I know.”

“Then stop him.”

Regulus looked at Hornkus.

Hornkus mumbled behind his hand.

Regulus narrowed his eyes. “No.”

Hornkus mumbled again.

“Definitely not.”

Another mumble.

Regulus’s eyes sharpened. “You’re impossible.”

Hornkus’s eyebrows wagged.

Regulus removed his hand like it had burned him.

Hornkus immediately leaned toward Barty and said, “He likes my mouth.”

The corridor became pandemonium.

Sirius shouted, “NO.”

Lily snapped, “Too much.”

James fell against Remus, howling.

Remus staggered under his weight. “James, you are heavy when emotionally compromised.”

Peter covered his face.

Mary screamed with laughter.

Marlene actually slid to the floor beside Dorcas.

Alice made a noise like, “Oh!” and turned into Frank’s shoulder.

Frank stared at the opposite wall, scarlet and determinedly polite.

Fabian and Gideon began applauding like they were at a theatre.

Regulus’s expression was stone.

Barty’s was apocalypse.

Hornkus, apparently thrilled with the destruction he had caused, smiled beatifically.

“I meant talking,” he said.

“No, you didn’t,” everyone said.

Hornkus shrugged. “Can’t prove intent.”

Regulus looked at him in the terrible calm way that made even Sirius, who had known Regulus since nappies and nursery tantrums, go still.

“Hornkus.”

Hornkus swallowed.

Regulus held out one hand.

Hornkus looked at it.

Then at him.

“Are we holding hands?”

“No. Give me your wand.”

Hornkus hesitated. “Why?”

“Because I am about to confiscate your ability to make this worse.”

Hornkus reached into his robe and handed over his wand without protest.

Barty stared. “He listens to you?”

Hornkus, suddenly smug again, said, “Only when he’s scary.”

Regulus slipped Hornkus’s wand into his own sleeve and said, “Quiet.”

Hornkus zipped his lips again.

Then mimed locking them.

Then held out an imaginary key.

Regulus ignored it.

Hornkus looked wounded and offered it to Pandora instead.

Pandora took it with great ceremony. “I shall keep this for the archive.”

Barty looked at the ceiling. “Why is everyone insane?”

Evan said, “You chose us.”

“I did not choose him.” Barty pointed at Hornkus.

Hornkus, lips still dramatically sealed, pointed at Regulus, then at himself, then made a heart with his fingers.

Sirius made another wounded little sound.

Regulus saw the gesture and looked away too quickly.

Marlene, still on the floor, whispered, “He liked that too.”

Regulus snapped, “McKinnon.”

Marlene lifted both hands. “Sorry, sorry, dying quietly.”

“You’re not quiet.”

“I’m dying loudly, then.”

Hornkus shuffled closer again.

Regulus did not look at him.

Hornkus bumped their shoulders.

Once.

Twice.

Regulus sighed.

“What?”

Hornkus pointed at his sealed mouth, then at Regulus.

Regulus stared. “No.”

Hornkus clasped his hands under his chin.

Regulus looked unmoved.

Hornkus widened his eyes.

Barty groaned. “He’s begging. That’s pathetic.”

Hornkus pointed at Barty, nodded vigorously, then pointed at Regulus again as if to say exactly.

Regulus looked briefly heavenward.

Then, with visible reluctance, he reached up and flicked Hornkus lightly under the chin.

“There. Attention.”

Hornkus beamed.

Sirius whispered, “I cannot survive this.”

James patted his back. “You’re doing so well.”

“I am not.”

“No, but I’m trying to be supportive.”

“You’re enjoying this.”

“Both can be true.”

Hornkus seemed to decide his silence had lasted long enough, because he made a muffled sound and began pointing at his mouth again.

Regulus gave him a warning look.

Hornkus pointed harder.

Pandora lifted the imaginary key. “I can unlock him.”

“No,” Barty and Lily said at once.

Pandora smiled. “Interesting alliance.”

Lily looked horrified by herself.

Barty looked more horrified.

Hornkus slowly reached for Pandora’s imaginary key.

Regulus caught his wrist.

Hornkus froze.

Regulus’s fingers were wrapped loosely around his wrist, pale and elegant against Hornkus’s scruffy sleeve.

Hornkus looked down at the contact.

Then, slowly, his grin returned.

Regulus immediately released him.

“Do not.”

Hornkus made a muffled noise that sounded suspiciously like “Worth it.”

Barty pointed at him again. “There. That. That is why I hate him.”

Dorcas finally dragged herself upright, breathless and grinning. “Because he’s annoying?”

“Because he’s annoying with my face.”

Hornkus unzipped his lips loudly. “Our face.”

Barty’s wand was in his hand again.

Hornkus hid behind Regulus so fast he nearly knocked him over.

Regulus braced himself with a hand against Hornkus’s chest, glaring.

“Stop using me as a shield.”

Hornkus peered over his shoulder. “You’re a very pretty shield.”

Sirius snapped, “I’ll kill him myself.”

Regulus looked at him sharply. “No.”

That one word landed harder than the rest.

Sirius paused.

It was not dramatic in a loud way. There was no thunder, no sudden silence, no great collapse of feeling. But it changed the shape of the air between them.

Regulus, standing in the middle of a corridor with his ridiculous boyfriend half-hidden behind him, had said it instantly.

No.

Not because Hornkus was funny.

Not because Barty was annoyed.

Not because everyone was watching.

Because Hornkus was his to defend.

Sirius saw it.

So did Remus.

So did Lily.

Even Barty saw it, and something in his furious expression shifted into something more complicated.

Hornkus, for once, did not make a joke.

He looked down at Regulus instead.

Regulus’s jaw tightened as if he hated that the moment had happened at all.

Then Hornkus ruined it, because of course he did, by whispering, “You do care.”

Regulus turned his head. “I am still holding your wand.”

Hornkus smiled. “You can keep it.”

“Generous.”

“I’m romantic like that.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“Yeah,” Hornkus said, soft and pleased. “But you like ridiculous.”

Regulus looked at him for one second.

Then two.

Then he looked away.

“No comment.”

Hornkus’s face lit up like a struck match.

Barty threw both hands into the air. “I cannot do this.”

Dorcas clapped him on the shoulder. “You’re doing amazing, babe.”

“Never call me that.”

Hornkus gasped. “That’s my word.”

Sirius rounded on him. “No, it is not.”

Hornkus shrugged. “I said it first today.”

Lily muttered, “This is how wars start.”

James grinned. “Honestly? Better reason than most.”

Mary leaned toward Alice. “I almost want to see them all at dinner now.”

Alice smiled weakly. “You want more of this?”

“I want to see the Hufflepuff table react.”

Frank said, “Do they know?”

Everyone looked at Hornkus.

Hornkus blinked.

Then slowly grinned.

“Oh, they know.”

Barty’s eyes narrowed. “What does that mean?”

Hornkus rocked on his heels. “Nothing.”

Regulus’s eyes narrowed too. “Hornkus.”

Hornkus’s grin widened.

“Nothing bad.”

“That means something bad,” Evan said.

Pandora leaned forward, delighted. “Did you tell them about Regulus?”

Hornkus looked very pleased with himself.

Regulus went still.

“How much did you tell them?”

Hornkus opened his mouth.

Regulus raised his stolen wand.

Hornkus closed his mouth.

Barty smiled for the first time with genuine pleasure. “Oh, please answer.”

Hornkus looked between Regulus and Barty.

Then chose self-preservation, perhaps for the first time in his life.

“I said I had a boyfriend.”

Regulus’s expression remained dangerous. “And?”

“And he was fit.”

Sirius groaned into his hands.

“And?”

Hornkus shifted.

“Smart.”

Regulus paused.

Hornkus looked suddenly very interested in the floor.

“And scary.”

Regulus’s eyebrow twitched.

“And pretty.”

Barty muttered, “Of course.”

“And he’d hex anyone who annoyed him, so they should mind their business.”

Regulus stared.

Hornkus rubbed the back of his neck, grin smaller now, still crooked.

“That’s all.”

The corridor, for once, did not explode.

It settled.

A little.

Just a little.

Mary’s smile softened first.

Then Alice’s.

Even Frank looked quietly touched, though he wisely said nothing.

Lily studied Hornkus with slightly less horror than before, which was practically a blessing.

Remus hummed faintly, thoughtful.

James leaned toward Sirius and murmured, “That’s almost sweet.”

Sirius looked like the words physically wounded him. “Don’t.”

Regulus’s face was unreadable.

Hornkus looked at him sidelong.

“What?”

Regulus looked away. “Nothing.”

Hornkus smiled. “No comment?”

Regulus’s eyes flicked back.

“Do not push it.”

Hornkus, naturally, pushed it.

He leaned in with a grin, shoulder pressed against Regulus’s again, voice back to its smug little drawl.

“You like me.”

Barty groaned. “And we’re back.”

Regulus said, “I tolerate you.”

Hornkus nodded. “With kissing.”

“I can stop.”

Hornkus immediately looked alarmed. “Let’s not be hasty.”

Dorcas snorted. “Pathetic.”

Hornkus pointed at her. “Happy.”

“Pathetically happy.”

“I’ll take it.”

Barty stepped closer, glaring. “You are still disgusting.”

Hornkus looked him up and down.

Then smiled.

“You’re just mad because Reg picked red streaks over green streaks.”

Barty froze.

The corridor froze with him.

Evan closed his eyes. “That was unwise.”

Pandora whispered, “Beautiful, but unwise.”

Regulus pinched the bridge of his nose again.

Hornkus, finally sensing doom, took one slow step backward.

Barty smiled.

A terrible, glittering smile.

“Run,” Regulus said.

Hornkus ran.

Barty followed.

Dorcas screamed, “ROUND TWO!”

Pandora flew after them, quill raised. “For science!”

Evan sighed and trailed after them once more.

Around the corner, Hornkus’s voice echoed back, loud and panicked and still somehow smug.

“I’M STILL NOT GAY!”

Barty roared, “NO ONE BELIEVES YOU!”

Hornkus shouted, “REG DOES!”

Regulus, still standing among the stunned Gryffindors, looked down the corridor after them.

Then, very quietly, he said, “No, I don’t.”

But his mouth curved when he said it.

And unfortunately for him, everyone saw.