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It’s not fair, Kevin thought.
Not than anything in his life had ever been fair. Since the moment his mom had died, Kevin’s whole life had been a series of unfair instances after another. He had long since stopped believing that there was supposed to be order in the world. Not for him, at least.
But still, that knowledge didn’t stop the angry thoughts from running through his head.
It’s not fair. It’s not fair. It’s not fair.
Kevin tried to quell that thought. He took another swig of the glass bottle in his hand, the vodka swimming down his throat. It was rough and bitter but left fuzziness behind in its wake.
He wasn’t sure how much he had drunk tonight. Normally, his alcohol consumption was monitored, even if it was meant to be a free-for-all. There was always someone in his peripheral watching him, even if their hand would goad him further into the bottle. Either brown ember eyes or scarred hands or black flame tattoos would cross Kevin’s eyes and he would know that he was safe. Safe to get lost in the blankness of the alcohol.
Except no one was here tonight.
They were all at the celebration with USC, the Foxes filling in the gaps at the bar Jeremy had insisted the two teams mingle at.
The Foxes had traveled to California for the qualifying championship game, and under normal circumstances Kevin would still be reveling in the high of playing on the Gold Court. Both teams played their best, but ultimately, it was the Trojans and their brilliant strategy that came out victorious. Even with his team’s loss, it was honor enough to play with the best team in collegiate exy.
But that wasn’t just what they were anymore. Before, Kevin had always admired USC for playing the way his mother wanted it to be played, a feat he had never been given the chance to try. Before, Kevin had secretly watched Jeremy fly across the court, his lean body and bright smile settling something low in his gut. Before, Kevin had put USC on a pedestal and left them there, a team that he would watch on his screen and occasionally get to play, but never anything personal.
But that was before Jean.
Before Jean had become a Trojan under Kevin’s request. Before he had exchanged his black for red and yellow, the colors sitting nicely on his slightly tanned skin from the California sun. Before Jean had fit so seamlessly in with the team, becoming someone who looked as if he had been playing with them all his life.
Before Jean had become a stranger to Kevin, yet still someone that he knew more intimately than anyone else.
It was a hard juxtaposition to deal with and Kevin decided to take another long drink of the vodka. He set the bottle down on the tiny counter in the kitchenette in his hotel room. He knew that he would be reaching for it again in just a few moments, but needed both his hands to tug off his jacket.
He wasn’t sure how he made it back to the hotel. Maybe he called a taxi, or maybe someone had driven him back. A Trojan, maybe, because he knew that all the Foxes were still mingling at the party.
Normally, the Foxes would never celebrate with the team that had just beat them. But the Trojans were different. Jeremy was different. With his shining eyes and syrupy voice, no one could ever refuse him.
So Kevin had agreed and dragged the rest of his team with him. The upperclassman and the monsters had gone easily, and the freshman had as well, even if Kevin would have preferred for them to not come.
Kevin hadn’t been able to convince Andrew. He had insisted and then did his version of begging, which really was just more demanding, before Neil had come to his rescue. It seemed that Neil wanted to talk to Jean, so at last Andrew had agreed to come.
Kevin tried to ignore the sick feeling of jealousy that swirled within him at the fact that Neil didn’t even have to ask. All he did was say that he was going, and Andrew was quick to follow.
It was the easy compliance that Kevin wanted. It was what Kevin had been given during that first year at Palmetto. Back when Andrew was entirely his. Before Neil had taken his spot, becoming the most important thing for Andrew to protect and have.
Kevin tried to ignore the lingering feeling of hands around his neck too.
Those feelings were pushed aside. Kevin had been determined that he was going to have a good night. He was going to get drunk, talk to Jeremy and the other Trojans, and enjoy himself.
Now, after all he had successfully done was get drunk, Kevin wondered if maybe that was his destiny. It seemed that everyone else was so easily able to erase the rottenness from inside them. Or at least pretend that it didn’t exist.
Kevin felt like his darkness was always on display, the only thing able to calm it being the alcohol everyone thrust so readily in his hands. When he was drunk, he didn’t have to think about the Nest or Riko or Andrew or Thea or Neil or Jeremy or-
–
Kevin couldn’t tear his eyes away from Jean.
The Foxes had arrived about 30 minutes ago, quickly grabbing beers and shots as they waited for all of the Trojans to trickle in. Kevin already had a few drinks in him, the bartender clearly not caring that at least half of his current clients were underage.
Kevin had been mingling with the Trojans, discussing their past games and the excitement for their game against Penn State in the coming weeks. It was easy to put on his press-approved smile, making sure that his celebrity Kevin Day personality shone through. But the talk got tedious quickly, and despite his best efforts, everyone seemed to realize that there were only two people Kevin actually wanted to talk to.
Jean had been in the same spot since Kevin had first arrived, but he was never alone. The Trojans easily flitted around him, new groups of three to four coming up to him every few minutes to engage in conversation. And while Jean was not seeking them out, it was clear that he was not uncomfortable with their discussion. Even in groups that didn’t include his teammates, cheerleaders and girlfriends and fanboys, he talked to them easily.
Kevin tried to understand it. Jean hated small talk. It didn’t matter the language, Jean would rather say nothing than comment on the weather. To engage in it now would comprise such an integral part of Jean.
With a startling realization, Kevin wondered if maybe it wasn’t small talk at all. Maybe these were all continuations of long conversations, ones that Kevin would never know about.
Watching Jean was something that Kevin never thought he would be able to do. He would have been beaten within an inch of his life if Riko had ever even thought Kevin was looking at Jean further than to criticize his movement on the court.
The most he had been able to get away with was admiring him under the cover of blackness that surrounded their French lessons. Kevin had been allowed to look at him then. He would watch Jean’s mouth form the letters of whatever word he was teaching him, and then would watch it move into either a thin line or a slight smile depending on how well Kevin did.
Kevin would always insist to himself that learning the pronunciations was the only reason he was looking.
Later, when Kevin no longer needed to stare at his lips to learn the words, he allowed himself to stare at other parts. The slight curl of Jean’s hair. The grey of his eyes. The bulge of his nose. The scar that ran across it. The cuts and bruises that usually surrounded it.
Except there were no cuts and bruises now. For the first time in his life, Kevin was looking at a Jean free of injuries. Even when he had visited in the fall, Riko’s attack was still a lingering presence. Now, Jean’s skin was smooth, his hair full, and the eyes Kevin had spent so long staring into were brighter than he thought possible.
They had dulled slightly when Neil came up to talk with Jean, but Kevin could still see the fondness that was hidden in them. Jean would never admit it, but he liked Neil. They were not friends, just in the same way he and Kevin weren’t, but they were tied together. The lost promise of partnership and their deal with the Moriyamas made them forever intertwined, and Jean would protect Neil just as quickly as he would protect one of his Trojans.
His Trojans.
Kevin hadn’t even thought of the implication of those words, but once he had, he couldn’t get them out of his head. Because it was true. The Trojans were Jean’s just as much as he was theirs.
It was what Kevin had wanted. It was the reason he had sent Jean to them in the first place. He knew that they would be able to take care of him. Show him the sunshine Jean had been deprived of for so long. Help him heal in ways that Kevin would never be able to.
Kevin was selfish but he had been selfish with Jean for too many years of his life. He had told himself he couldn’t keep Jean if he wanted him to live. The promise he had made Jean whisper to him so many years ago couldn’t survive if Jean stayed in South Carolina. So Kevin had sent him away.
But wanting it and watching it were too different things. Watching the evidence that Jean had truly escaped the Nest while Kevin could still hear the cruel sneer of Riko in his ear was almost too much. Like experiencing the horrors of the Nest were just something Kevin had made up; like Jean being there with him was a figment of his imagination just so that he wouldn’t have to be alone.
Like he said, Kevin was selfish. He would likely be doused in darkness of the Nest forever, and selfishly, he wanted there to be someone with him. Someone to share the burden of Riko’s attacks and the master’s harsh words and the smell of blood soaked cotton.
He knew though, in watching Jean smile softly at Jeremy, that Kevin was going to be alone for the rest of his life.
–
Kevin rustled around in the cabinets, searching for the alcohol he knew was there. Their hotel wasn’t the fanciest, but Wymack had gotten in the habit of booking hotels that had booze. It had been in part for Kevin, in part for Andrew back when he was medicated. Now it was simply what they were used to.
Kevin pulled out the tequila bottle and grabbed the half-empty bottle of vodka before shuffling to the bed. He tripped over his feet but could only laugh as a bit of vodka splashed out the side.
With the same amount of gracefulness as a baby deer, Kevin got on the bed. He should probably take his shoes off, he thought, and probably the rest of his clothes but he couldn’t stand the thought of moving other than to drink more and forget.
Fuck, he was pathetic. He couldn’t even be in a room with Jean for an hour before he completely collapsed.
His desperation to escape him had even bypassed his need to be escorted out, Kevin leaving Andrew and Neil behind in favor of his mysterious trip back to their room. He didn’t know when they would be back and he just hoped he would be passed out by then. The thought of seeing them in their matching arm bands sleeping next to each other, neither one of them touching but that simple fact making it all the more intimate had Kevin opening up his other bottle.
–
Kevin watched as Neil left his conversation with Jean. As soon as Jeremey, Alvarez, and Dermott had come up, it was clear that Neil no longer wanted to be there. Kevin let his eyes track Neil for a moment, giving them a reprieve after seeing Jean’s exclusive smile make an appearance for Jeremy.
It was no surprise where Neil was headed.
Andrew had picked a corner seat at the bar, allowing him the ability to look across the entire room. He had a drink in front of him, but Kevin knew that it had been his first and only for the night. It seemed that Neil had decided to bypass his usual soda, likely in wake of their loss, and when Neil was drinking, it meant that Andrew wasn’t.
The simple fact of their protectiveness made Kevin flush with anger and desperation. Even when he had been under Andrew’s undivided protection, he had never cared about things like that. Andrew knew his limits, but he would always reach them with Kevin. But now it was as if his limits were recalibrated to make sure that they were in accordance with Neil’s own limits for the night.
Neil hopped up onto the seat next to Andrew. He said something to him, likely recounting his conversation with Jean, before he fell into silence. They didn’t say anything to each other, but Andrew had quickly caught the bartender’s attention and said a few words. In only a matter of moments a new drink was set in front of Neil.
Kevin could tell that it wasn’t what he was drinking before, this one having a slight pink color and looking more fruity than anything Neil would ever order for himself. Neil turned to Andrew and Andrew only said a word or two, likely the ingredient that gave it its color. It was enough for Neil though, and he began to drink it through the straw in earnest.
Kevin watched them for a few more moments but they didn’t say anything else to each other. Neil happily sipped his drink, and Andrew just watched him. To anyone else it would look like he was bored, but Kevin could see the underlying affection in his eyes.
Jealousy sparked again in his stomach and Kevin tried to snuff it out with another sip of his own drink. He wasn’t sure what he was jealous of: the ease of their relationship, the inexplicit trust, or Neil and Andrew themselves.
He had long ago decided to pack away those certain thoughts. It didn’t matter what he wanted or what he had thought. Their trio relationship had hard lines carved into it last spring and Kevin could never be the one to try and redraw them.
–
A phone call broke Kevin out of his thoughts. It seems that the alcohol wasn’t stopping as much of the remembering as he had wanted.
With a grimace he patted himself down, trying to find the phone to stop the insistent ringing. He eventually found it buzzing in his jean pocket and he answered the call without even seeing who it was from.
“Kevin,” a loud voice said through the speaker.
“Dan?” Kevin slurred, pulling his phone away to verify that it was in fact her. “What is it?”
“Where are you,” she shouted. Kevin heard music from behind her and knew that she must still be at the bar. Some of the Trojans had convinced the TVs to be turned to a music station in the few minutes before Kevin had left.
When he didn’t respond she asked again. “Anderson said that he helped you call a taxi to take you back to the hotel. I didn’t believe him because I saw that Andrew was still here, but he said he saw you leave. Are you there?”
It took a second for Kevin to work out what she said. Kevin had no memory of this, although his brain helpfully supplied him with Shawn Anderson’s number, position, and stats.
“Yeah,” he finally said. His mouth was sticky. “I made it back to the hotel. I’m in my room.”
He heard her sigh of relief and then a muffled “yeah, he’s there” to her companions. Whether it was Matt and their friends or Andrew he couldn’t tell, but he heard a distant gruff in response.
“Are you okay? A few of the Trojans said that you were wavering a bit.”
“I’m fine,” he said immediately then cursed himself for sounding like Neil. “I just wanted to get some sleep,” he revised. “I’m supposed to verify the new recruits with Coach tomorrow.”
It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn't the whole truth either. He was going to talk about next year’s recruits with Wymack and mainly set up a game plan to make sure that they don’t join the mutiny against Neil. But that wasn’t until the afternoon when they were waiting for their flight.
“Okay,” Dan said skeptically. She knew that he was lying. She knew that he was in the hotel room drinking alone.
“Just call us if you need someone to come keep an eye on you. Jean will probably kill us if you do something stupid. He nearly killed Anderson when he heard that he let you go back alone.”
She laughed at the words and it was clear that she had no idea just how much Kevin didn’t want to hear that.
“Yeah, I will.” He said it quickly and hung up on her before she could respond. He flung his phone on the bed, not caring where it landed, and reached for his booze again.
He didn’t know how much time passed before he stopped actively drinking, but by then his thoughts had circled back to Jean.
Jean Jean Jean.
What right did he have to get worried over Kevin. The striker knew Jean didn’t approve of him drinking, but to be so protective of Kevin when he himself had let Kevin walk away.
–
“You did great tonight,” Kevin said to Jean as he finally approached him. He had already said his compliments to everyone else in the bar but had been stalling on the one person it mattered to the most. “I’ve been watching your games all year, but I am still in awe of your adaptability.”
He knew that the compliments would mean nothing to Jean, specifically because it came from him, but that didn’t stop Kevin from saying them. They would have meant everything, once, but Kevin couldn’t linger on that fact.
“The Trojans play well,” Jean said simply. “Now I understand your fascination with them.”
“With us,” Jeremy said, pulling out of his conversation with Alvarez and Dermott. It was clear that this was something Jean heard a lot because he just huffed and rolled his eyes. But still- “With us,” he agreed.
Kevin inspected them for a moment. He saw how close the two of them had been earlier, their thighs pressed together on the bench as they watched the game, Jean’s arm resting behind Jeremy at the bar. Jean’s easy smile.
He had interpreted them as being partners, the closeness of that fact something that not even Kevin and Riko had escaped. He knew that Jean found Jeremy attractive, but so did Kevin. And Kevin knew that Jeremy was out of his reach, and he thought that Jean knew it too. Riko’s voice echoed in his head.
“...lucky that he didn’t get me. I could already tell the pain it would have caused and I definitely did not feel like limping around tonight.”
Kevin tuned back in, missing whatever play-by Jeremy had been telling. At first glance it looked as if Jeremy didn’t notice, but Kevin could see the apprehension in his eyes. Jean was staring stone faced at Kevin, and Kevin couldn’t stop himself from staring back.
“You know what,” Jeremy said. “I think that I am going to go find Laila and Cat. They said they were going to get another drink but I didn't see them by the bar.” Kevin hadn’t even known that they left.
To Jean, Jeremy whispered, “I’ll be right back, mon cœur.”my heart.”
Kevin barely registered Jeremy leaving. Instead, the only thing he could focus on was the French pet name that was murmured.
“Mon cœur,”“My heart,” Kevin said. “When did-”
”Je ne veux pas entendre vos commentaires,”“I do not want to hear your comments,” Jean interrupted. His switch to French made Kevin both relax and put his guard up in a way he couldn’t explain.
”Alors, il y a quelque chose à commenter?”“So there is something to comment on?”
Jean remained silent and Kevin sighed.
”Je pensais que tu étais plus intelligent que ça. Je pensais que tu étais trop intelligent pour te laisser distraire par un joli visage.”“I thought you were smarter than this. I thought you were smarter than to let a pretty face distract you.” Again, Kevin almost said.
Despite the hatred Jean grew up with, love and attraction would always make him forget himself. It had happened with Kevin. It had happened with Renee. For it to happen with Jeremy–the very person Jean had gotten himself beat for and who Kevin gave him to anyways–was too much.
”Ne me parle pas de distraction,”“Do not talk to me about distraction,” Jean hissed back.”Tu agis comme si Thea et toi étiez plus que ça — comme si ton gardien était plus.”“You act as if you and Thea were more than that, as if your goalkeeper was more.”
”Ne parlez pas de Thea,”“Don’t talk about Thea,” Kevin said, his anger building. He wasn’t sure if he was more angry at Jean for saying it or at himself for knowing it was true. ”Ou Andrew. Tu ne sais rien.”“Or Andrew. You know nothing.”
”Je sais tout, et tu le sais.”“I know everything and you know it.”
There was nothing Kevin could say to that. It was the truth. Jean did know everything. Everything except the dirty, spoiled secret inside Kevin’s heart.
”Est ce réel?”“Is it real?” He found himself asking quietly.
He didn’t know what he wanted the answer to be.
No, it wasn’t. It was just Jean experimenting. Getting used to intimacy with someone who he trusted. Someone who was safe. Someone who hadn’t hurt him over and over, the broken glass of their past too sharp to repair.
Or yes, it was. It was real and it was strong and it was something that Jean planned to have forever. He wanted Jeremy more than just attraction or lust. He wanted him in the same way Kevin secretly did. Wanted to wake up next to him and have matching mugs in the cupboard and watch exy games with him and sometimes simply be with each other. Together. Partners in more than just name.
The way Kevin had longed for Jeremy in the open parts of his mind.
The way Kevin had longed for Jean in the deepest parts.
”Oui,”“Yes,” Jean responded. ”C'est réel.”“It is real.”
And well, what more could Kevin do than walk away.
–
Kevin wondered what time it was.
He knew realistically he could find his phone or even look at the bedside clock to see but his whole body felt heavy. The alcohol had been put down a while ago, but Kevin had yet to move from his spot on the bed.
Andrew and Neil had yet to return, so Kevin knew that it couldn’t be too late. He wondered if Neil was talking with Jean again or if he had migrated over to the upperclassman. Or maybe he and Andrew were still sitting at the bar, the two of them saying nothing but still perfectly understanding each other.
The fuzziness finally began to completely take over. Kevin had waited and had expected it ten drinks ago, but it seemed that his shameful desperation was keeping him awake.
It’s not fair, Kevin thought again.
It’s not fair that after everything, here he was, drunk and alone in some random Californian hotel.
He had spent years under Riko’s wrath, his only bright spots being his mother’s sport and tragic, beautiful Jean. Jean, who had taught him French and hung up his postcards and who had trusted him in a place where trust was dangerous.
He had Thea, for a while, but Jean was right when he had called her a distraction. Kevin liked her; liked her ambition and her talent, but she could never understand. Not his position, or his fear, or his truth. Not his lust over her mind rather than her body, or the things he had to do to survive. Not him.
He thought that maybe Andrew would be different. He thought that Neil would be different too. And in a way, they were. But not how Kevin had wanted. Not in how Kevin needed.
The only person who could understand would be Jean, but Kevin could never. It wasn’t just because of Jeremy, although he almost wished it was. He wished that he had someone to blame other than himself.
Kevin had lost Jean the moment he fled the Nest. It was for his own survival and he would do it again, the exact same, if he had to do it over. But the regret of leaving Jean had been a chasm then, and it was just as deep now.
He had broken them. The trust. The friendship. The possibility of becoming more. It was gone and could never be recovered. Too much had happened for them to go back, but too much had happened for them to move forward either.
They would always be connected, Kevin realized as he finally drifted off. With the deal Neil struck with Ichirou and the fact that they would both one day be Court, Jean was a permanent fixture in his life, just as Kevin was to his.
Except while Jean could ignore Kevin, could hate him, could erase him, Kevin would always be stuck. In the odd hours of the day, Kevin would still always look over his shoulder, expecting to see Riko with his racquet and Jean with a comforting gaze.
It’s not fair,” his final thoughts were as he drifted into the blackness. It’s just not fair.
And then suddenly, a hidden, repeated mantra came to him, said by the very same person he was wishing after.
But it is what I deserve.