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“This is so fucking stupid,” Tom thought angrily as he waited to be ushered back to the therapist’s office. He didn’t need therapy, no matter what Gail or the producers said. All those assistants and other crew members he had run off were a drain on the set anyway. He shouldn’t be punished for doing them a favor and scaring off a few (dozen) losers. But Gail had laid down the law. Either he go to at least half a dozen weekly therapy sessions for his “anger issues” or he would be dropped from this movie and perhaps the next few with this production company as well. He hated it, but he really couldn't afford to piss off the people signing his paychecks and keeping him a household name. So here he was in the damn therapist’s office, just waiting to be told he needed to take a chill pill or something. What he really needed was to get laid. But he was trying to prove something to Ryland, and perhaps to himself as well, so that wasn’t happening anytime soon.
“Mr. Thomas, the doctor will see you now.” Of course he was using an alias for this. The therapist was supposed to be exclusive and discreet, but who knew what kind of people would be lurking around the waiting room?
Tom found the first session to be mostly boring bullshit. The doctor–Williams? Wilson? Something that started with a W he thought– was okay he guessed. She was older and didn’t seem too patronizing. She asked him why he was there and what he hoped to get out of their sessions. She told him she wouldn’t share any private information with his employers, but she would, with his permission of course, verify that he was making the required visits. She asked a lot of questions about his background and before he knew it the hour was up. That wasn’t so bad, he supposed. Five more weeks to go.
**********
That night, Tom settled in to watch some tv and text Ryland. He had been too busy to text him much that morning and he’d missed their daily banter. He also felt bad for the poor guy. He hadn’t gotten a single Tom Ryder selfie all day! He’d better rectify that. It took a bit to think of the perfect selfie. On the couch was too boring. In the bedroom was too personal (for Ryland at least, Tom would have been fine with it). He settled for one on the patio, with the sunset behind him. Tom was mostly in shadow because of the angle of the sun, but he knew Ryland would appreciate the landscape in the background.
“hey sunshine, how’s it going?” Tom always started off his text conversations calling Ryland “Sunshine” ; it had been in the first note he’d ever sent him, on that disastrous flower bouquet. He’d said it then because of the sunflowers, but Ryland really did remind him of a sunny day. The way he smiled illuminated everything around him, and Tom wanted to bask in the glory of it.
“Hey Tom, I was beginning to wonder if you’d given up on me and moved on to someone a little more easy.” Ryland always called him Tom. No pet names or anything, and he always used full sentences and proper grammar. He never said anything negative about Tom’s more casual style of texting, though, so Tom didn’t mind. At least they were on a first name basis now. It took a few days of texts to even get Ryland to relax that much.
“never! you wont be rid of me that easily! I just had a rlly busy day. missed texting u tho” Tom smiled imagining the grin on Ryland’s face as he promised not to stop bugging him any time soon.
“I suppose that’s a relief. Who would send me selfies from set with Colt in the background if not for you?” Now Tom could just imagine the smirk on Ryland’s face. He knew it would irritate him to bring up Colt, but Tom wasn’t fooled. Ryland didn’t need his help to see his brother’s face. He just had to look in the mirror since the twins were identical. It was a little infuriating to be honest. The person he most wanted to look at also happened to look just like the person who annoyed him the most. Maybe he should see what his therapist thinks of that?
**********
“So why do you think you’ve been feeling so much anger lately? You've said that it is impacting your work environment to the point where your employers are wanting you to talk to me about it.” Dr. Whatshername asked the next week.
Tom shrugged, “I guess I’m frustrated. Like sexually. I mean, I’ve been seeing this new guy for a few months. But we’re taking it like super slow. He’s demisexual and really not looking to rush into anything physical. And it’s kind of long distance. But I can’t get him off my mind. And it doesn’t help that I work with his identical twin brother and so I see his face all damn day and it just makes me want to scream! So sometimes I do. And apparently that’s a problem for a lot of people.”
“I see.” As Tom was talking, the therapist had been scratching down notes. Now she set those aside and asked. “And have you considered seeing someone more open to helping you meet your sexual needs? Someone more local?”
Tom shook his head at this. “No. I want to be with Ryland. I can wait for him. He’s worth it.”
“What about him appeals to you so strongly?” She asked this casually, like it wasn’t the question he asked himself every night as he drifted off to dream of holding Ryland close.
“Everything! He’s dorky and kind. He’s funny, but not mean about it. He can tease while making you feel like you’re part of the joke, not the butt of it. He’s the smartest person I ever met, but he doesn’t make me feel like an idiot about it. He makes me want to learn more, to be a better person so that I’m someone worthy of his attention. And he’s hot, too! Like almost as hot as me.” Tom realized he was rambling, but talking about Ryland made him want to do that. He was truly his favorite topic of conversation and it was annoying that no one else knew him or if they did, like Colt, they didn’t want to talk to him about Ryland.
“He sounds nearly perfect. So what is it about his brother that annoys you so deeply?” Oof, she sure knew how to swing a conversation into rocky territory.
Tom sighed, “I could say ‘everything’ for this, too. His entire attitude is so different from Ryland. He’ll do a stunt and then smirk like he’s better than me all because he’s the one to roll in the dirt or get set on fire or wreck a car. He only has a career because of me! He needs me more than I need him and he just has such a huge chip on his shoulder about it. He just can’t acknowledge that I bring something important to the job, too. I’m the face that everyone looks for in the theater, my voice is the one saying the lines they’ll remember. He’s just a pretty boy who stands there when things are going ‘boom’.”
“It sounds to me like there might be a bit of jealousy under the surface here.” Dr. W. said as she made another note on her notepad.
“Jealous?! Of Colt Seavers? No way. Absolutely not. He’s an asshole and I don’t want to be anything like him!” Tom nearly stood up and walked out right then, but he remembered that his career was on the line if he didn’t continue with these therapy sessions.
“I’ve seen a few of your interviews. Whenever the topic of stunt work comes up, you look worried. Like you are afraid that people will realize you can’t or won’t do them all yourself. But it’s totally normal and even important to hand that work off to the people who are trained to do it as safely as possible. Your part of the work is important and you can’t do it if you’re injured or dead.” She glanced at her watch and he realized it was probably nearing the end of the session.
“So what, I’m just supposed to like that he gets to do all the cool stuff and have a far closer relationship with Ryland than I ever will? That’s bullshit.” Tom slumped back onto the couch he was sitting on, frustrated that this therapy nonsense seemed to just be making him feel worse about his problems. He was fine just ignoring what he was feeling!
“You can’t just flip a switch and change how you feel about everything all at once. But you can try to reframe some of these things. Try and be appreciative of the work Colt does to ultimately make you look good on camera. Perhaps try and find ways to connect with him about Ryland. If you are both able to acknowledge that you care about the same person, you may find that you have more common ground than you thought. But we can take this one step at a time. Don’t worry about trying to be friends with him right now. Instead, try and control your reactions to him. If you feel yourself getting angry when you see him, take a few deep breaths and try the grounding exercise I taught you earlier. Don’t let yourself lash out, but instead just feel the emotions and then let them go.”
***********
Tom had an opportunity to try the therapist’s approach later that afternoon. Right as he walked out of his trailer, Colt was standing there talking to the stunt coordinator, Dan. Immediately the urge to punch the smirk off his face welled up, and he remembered that he was supposed to try grounding himself instead. Five things I can see..1. Colt’s punchable face. 2. Dan, he’s okay I guess. 3. I don’t think I’m supposed to be holding my breath while I do this am I? This isn’t helping!
Colt looked over at Tom and asked “Are you okay dude? Your face looks really red.”
“Ugh, fuck off Seavers!” Tom shouted as he turned around and went back into his trailer, slamming the door behind him. Ah, shit, I needed to be headed across set by now. And now I have to go back out there and walk past them? This therapist sucks.
**********
“Hey Tom, are you alright? Colt said you were acting a little weird when he saw you earlier.”
Usually Tom loved it when Ryland initiated one of their text exchanges. Most of the time he was too timid and anxious to do anything but let Tom take the lead, so it was always a pleasant surprise to get a text from him first. But did he have to mention Colt? Of course he had to tell Ryland about him panicking over fucking up a stupid grounding exercise.
‘hey sunshine! i’m okay. had to go to therapy this morning and it left me feeling more annoyed than usual when i ran into colt later.”
“Ah, okay. I was worried you might be getting sick or something. I remember how drained I always felt after therapy as a kid. I hope the rest of your day is better!”
“u went to therapy as a kid? was living with colt that bad?”
“No, that was part of the problem, we were separated in foster care for a while and there was other family stuff going on. I don’t really want to get into it over text.”
“no worries babe. mind if i call after work tonight? rlly wanna hear your voice”
“Okay, if you want to. I don’t have anything going on this evening.”
The rest of the day went a lot better knowing he had a phone call with Ryland to look forward to.
*******
“Hello, Ryland speaking,”
Tom had to grin at this. Ryland always sounded so formal when he answered his calls. “Hello, Sunshine. I’ve been looking forward to hearing you all day. What are you up to tonight?”
“Oh, you know, just the usual. Grading papers, watching a movie. Waiting for your phone call.” Tom could practically hear Ryland blushing as he spoke.
“Oh, what are you watching? Am I in it?” Tom always hoped that Ryland would admit to wanting to see his face as much as he wanted to see Ryland’s but he never did.
“Um, well, it’s kind of silly, actually. I’m watching Veggie Tales.” Ryland was absolutely blushing now.
Tom couldn't help but laugh. “What like the kids show? I haven’t seen that in ages.”
Ryland laughed, too. God his laugh was so adorable. “Yeah, it’s one of those things that reminds me of some of the simpler times. Kind of a comfort watch, ya know?”
“Yeah, that makes sense I guess. I usually watch old Disney movies when I’m in that kind of a mood. So why do you need comforting? I could come cuddle you if you like.” Tom tried not to sound too pathetic with that last bit.
“Aren’t you in LA? That’s not like right around the corner. And I’m fine. I was just thinking about our conversation earlier and it brought up some of the less pleasant childhood memories. So I figured I’d counterbalance that with one of the better ones.”
Tom sighed, “I’d jump on a plane any time for you, sweetheart. You said you didn’t want to talk about it earlier. Do you want to now?”
“I don’t know. It’s a lot of stuff and the potential for me crying myself to sleep is rather high. Maybe a rain check for sometime you could actually cuddle me after?” Ryland sounded desperate to change the subject, so Tom decided to let him.
“Oh, so you would let me cuddle you? I meant what I said, I will jump on a plane any time you want me. Let me just call my assistant to get it set up and I’ll be there before you’re ready to go to bed!” Tom hoped Ryland would take him up on the offer because he wanted so badly to see him again. It had been months and they hadn’t been on cuddling terms then at all.
“No, no! Not right now. I have work to do and school tomorrow and, and, I’m not ready for that yet. But someday, yeah. I think I’d like that.” Ryland went from panicked to hopeful and Tom’s heart skipped a beat at that. He’d let him touch him someday. Even if it was just a hug, that was the dream.
Their conversation settled into more neutral topics like favorite kids cartoons and which silly song from Veggie Tales was the best. Tom was partial to “Where is my Hairbrush” and Ryland said his favorite was “I Love my Lips”. Tom of course had to comment “I love your lips too.” which made Ryland nearly choke on the soda he was drinking. Before either of them realized, almost two hours had passed and they decided it was time to say goodnight. Once again Tom offered to come say goodnight in person, but they both knew he was mostly joking.
**********
Back in the therapist’s office, Tom was feeling restless. This was his last required session and he was ready to get back to normal life without all this “examine your feelings” bullshit. Yeah, some of the stuff they’d talked about had helped him reduce his angry outbursts on set. He didn’t even have to make a conscious effort not to punch Colt when he saw him. Still, he didn’t like how he always left feeling kind of raw and exposed. Those feelings were supposed to stay bottled up unless he needed to use them to add authenticity to a scene. He hadn’t really told Ryland why he was in therapy, or that a good chunk of the sessions revolved around his conflicting feelings for him and his twin brother. He had finally admitted to himself that part of his issue with Colt was jealousy and that had been a bitter pill to swallow.
“Would you still say that you are feeling frustrated with your life?” Dr. W. asked.
“Kinda, I guess? I mean things feel like they are getting closer between me and Ryland, but we still haven’t gotten physical, and not just because he lives hours away. I don’t love his brother, but at least I don’t want to hurt Colt every time I see him now. So yeah, still frustrated but it doesn’t feel as overwhelming as before?” Tom tried not to sigh every time Ryland’s name was brought up, but it was difficult. He really wanted to be with him, and he wasn’t used to not immediately getting what he wanted.
“So you’re still committed to making yourself frustrated by only pursuing a relationship with an aroace person who isn't interested in a physical relationship with you?” The doctor looked over her glasses at him in a way that he recognized was her baiting him. Trying to get a rise out of him so that she could then talk him through whatever was pissing him off.
“He isn’t interested in anything physical yet. He’s explained that being aroace is a spectrum and he’s not opposed to a sexual relationship, he just needs time to form a real connection first. He’s partially appealing because he wasn’t immediately after me for my looks and fame. It’s so refreshing to talk to someone who isn’t just prying for gossip about other celebrities or wanting to be seen on my arm. I actually like who he is, and I want him to like me for who l am. So I don’t think a little, or maybe a lot, of frustration is a bad trade off for what seems like it could be a fulfilling relationship in the long run.” Whew, that was a lot. Tom wasn’t used to being that straightforward about his feelings for Ryland, even if it was in the context of therapy. Clearly that’s why he needed to get out of here. It was turning him into an insightful sap.
The session continued, and at the end, the doctor said that she would let the studio know that he had completed his required sessions and that she didn’t see any pressing need for him to remain under her care for the time being. She did note that he was more than welcome to continue his sessions on his own time if he desired, but Tom was tired of being introspective for now and declined.
**********
It had been a few weeks since Tom stopped going to therapy. He and Ryland continued to text almost every day, and found time for a phone call at least once a week. Things were becoming comfortable for them both in a way Tom had never experienced in any of his adult relationships, romantic or platonic. The gossip columns had noticed that he wasn’t partying nearly as often as he had been and that he hadn’t been seen with anyone that might be construed as a romantic partner for ages. Fans began to speculate that he had a secret relationship with someone and when Gail asked him about it, he told her it was none of her business. Despite that, Tom was toying with the idea of seeing if Ryland would be interested in making their relationship public. Maybe he’d let him hold his hand and take him out to dinner. He knew Ryland was apprehensive about being recognized for being with him, but he had security enough to keep the creeps away.
Ryland’s school year had just finished up and he was planning to fly out to LA on Monday. Tom decided he couldn’t wait that long to see him. It was Saturday evening and here he was at Ryland’s door. He had gotten them dinner reservations and hoped he wouldn’t say no. Here goes nothing! he thought, and knocked on the door. There was no answer. Ryland wasn’t home. Fuck.