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It's been a long time, long.
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"Jingliu!" A cheerful voice called my name out. It sounded distant, and a voice in my head replied even more distant.
"Here." What a cold tone although in its sweetest state. It was beyond any realities' reach to create another one now.
The silhouette with a lilac fluffy tail approached somewhere near me with jumping steps. Our eyes met through a hazy mist. I wasn't able to spot where her irises were focusing on, yet I could tell. I remembered the exact angle, just like I remembered all the details about her.
The foxian's ears wiggled happily upon seeing me, her never-withering smile could shatter my glassy eyes, almost. "Heard Imbibitor Lunae is gone somewhere far away." With the sly tone she had, the narrow of her foxy eyes, tail wrapping around her hips, it was clear as day she was planning on something.
"Hm?" My own voice felt like a buzz inside my head. As far as I could remember, or as I assume, I'd been cleaning my sword back then and showing little interest in what she'd been up to. "Didn't he go to Yaoqing to discuss about starskiff traffic?"
The foxian rolled her eyes. "Don't remember the details- what important is he won't be around for a while."
"Hmm."
"Liuuu, look at me." She shook me by my shoulders, at the places she touched- there was a jolt that made my skin numb. I didn't feel the warmth I expected... How long had it been since I last felt it?
My past self sighed at the same time as me, for different reasons. "You want to celebrate his birthday, I get it. Just do so." She looked at me with a fed up expression. I couldn't blame her for that. I didn't even know why she was still talking to me.
"Why are you calling him Imbibitor Lunae, by the way?"
"That way is cooler. Danfeng is an ugly name to call..."
---
Drifting, drifting... in something I can't sense. It feels both solid and soft. Both clear and hazy. Nothing left. No memory to remember. It's only that- void. Did Lan decide to reward me by taking me into the Lake Lethe? It would be more foolish to think that I deserve it rather than to believe its reality... Funny how I still remember that stuff from a random book I had once read.
I can feel my memories... are burning... frame by frame. Burnouts are engraving into my brain, pain pierces through insides of my head. Consciousness slips away with each one. It feels like my bones are being dislocated one by one, the difference is I only feel it in my mind.
It's been a long, long time, since I've last seen you.
---
A soft and delicate breeze, there is no worry it can't ease, that said. Yet it still gave me a fright, that being unable to see the end of that moon's phase. Eye in the sky in fact read everything and whispered into my ear the signs, pity I was too deaf, was too drowned in tranquillity to believe it.
"Eek- I really don't like this drink. You guys don't have a taste at all." Her energetic voice bore into my soul.
"Hm."
"Hey, cut with the 'hm'! Communication needs words in case you haven't figured out yet."
The figure which was reflecting me seemed unbothered, yet complied to the foxian's request. "Thought you liked it, your smile nearly reached your ears."
"It wasn't the drink."
My copy turned its head towards the foxian to meet her greenish, immense eyes. Now realizing, my expressions really had a life in them. I wasn't wearing a blindfold and my eyes were shining brightly, even more intense with the foxian mirroring within them. I could almost see the vivid blood rushing under that skin, my cold veins suddenly longed for that feeling and itched inside.
On that dark grass, under the dark sky, there was a light breeze which made me feel even colder, if possible. It caressed my skin past and left an uneasy sensation. "No need to pretend if you don’t like it."
No need to force yourself. Not for me.
"No, no- I mean... Jingliu, being at your side is always enough." Jingliu, the past me, looked puzzled. But I knew better, like how I'd felt utterly helpless at that time. Oh, all the moons had borned and died to this day, did I even deserve that? Even your memories continued to bless me, what kind of heavenly power had you own? How could I even respond to such generousity?
Like I said, I couldn't, and it was you again who made the words futile- by giving me the sacred chance of tasting that drink you genuinely disliked. By second hand. I ended up agreeing with you that the drink had indeed an unpleasant bitter taste; compared to your priceless, delightful one.
You would ignore me and roll your eyes when I say the eye in the sky will always watch over you, just like how it witnessed our mutual affection at that time. That whenever you feel unwell, troubled, you could be relieved under the moonlight that carried my spirit with it. Then again and again, it was your giggle I would hear afterwards, your sweet voice would fill every curve of my brain. You'd say that I was being deadly serious, your luck was just enough like always.
And I'd go with "Let's see how long your luck will stand." Knowing it was a pathetic act. A meaningless pretending.
Because, the sun in your eyes made some of the lies worth believing.
---
These memories were just further evidence that I didn't need to see anymore to know, that I could read your mind. You and I both always knew, your luck wasn't infinite. What made me devastated is- did you look up at the moon on your last day? Did you hope to see me properly, one last time? What were your last thoughts? Me, or anything else?
I always hoped for the latter. I wasn't able to bear the disappointment you would go through at the thought of my empty promise.
Such thoughts always haunted me and continue to, even now, when I was losing those fragments of my memories. I tried to get away from them for the sake of the remnants of your smile, which I had sworn I would never forget. But it got more and more difficult with every lifeless breath.
It's been so, so long since I've seen you smile.
---
When at times we happened to be alone, you would crack that facade of yours and sometimes say that you weren't strong enough, even though from my perspective, you were a warrior who forced freedom into chains. I still hear your laugh, the laugh you burst once upon hearing the scene I had pictured.
"How's it been up there?" A man with horns, a 'high elder' not to mention, asked uninterestedly.
"Quite wonderful! You can come with me next time if you're curious." The foxian then whispered. "I highly recommend it."
"Oh, thanks... Waters are more than enough for me." Then, the man continued with a scoff. "A lunatic for a luna-tic... You really get along with each other."
I eavesdropped on the terrible joke that didn't match its owner in the slightest. The sight was blurry but I could see the annoyance my past self went through. "You look like a fool when you generate jokes like this."
The man turned towards my approaching figure, while the reason of my arrival looked surprised to see me. "I can't believe you actually came here to watch your student being humiliated." He sounded uninterested again, yet there was a mocking tone to it.
"By Yingxing? He doesn't stand a chance." As I came closer, I could see the small arena below the hill we were standing on, and there were two men sparring their swords with all their might. "I don't have any doubt about Jingyuan's success, wouldn't even bother if I knew they were here." The high elder just chuckled and continued to watch the two men's fight.
My gaze then drifted to the foxian's deep green eyes, eyelids narrowed just slightly to be noticed. She got the signal, as she always did.
The tailed figure silently accompanied me through the way as we walked past some maple trees, on a stone path. Or it was the other way around: I accompanied her to her beloved starskiff. "They won't attend?"
She shrugged, not really caring. "It became an usual thing, there’s no need to make a drama." Knowing how I did back then, my eyebrows furrowed again. Because it still sounded illogical.
"Saying a simple goodbye isn't a drama."
To my surprise, I was replied with a giggle of pure joy, and a playful smack on my shoulder. Her voice alone almost made me forget what words to speak. "My sweet Jingliu, I appreciate your care-"
"-------" I couldn't process the word that was formed by my other self; it sounded like a meaningless noise. "You shouldn't underestimate such a thing."
I knew you would bring me the specialities of the regions you traveled, you always did. Nonetheless, the biggest gift was always seeing you again, safe and sound. It was the only wish I ever made for you to fullfil. The last time, though it wasn't a traveling adventure of yours, I had imagined you like that as well: cheerful even when tired, breathing perfectly, always beaming with life. Left false illusions behind in my memories. At least, I had succesfully deceived my brain for a while.
When I heard my precious' tired and surrendering sigh, my heart went through various versions of regret- realizing I caused that reaction out of her. "I already said goodbye to everyone and noted their requests. Imbibitor Lunae didn't ask for anything particular, just wanted me to bring two bracelets of the same kind if there’s any piques my interest. Yingxing asked for a blade honer- only if there is a high quality one. Jingyuan got all he wanted last time so didn't say anything."
"I do not-"
"I know. You aren't going to request anything. But remember that nectar I brought you last time? You were quite fond of it, so I'll be looking for the same or a better one."
I shook my head with a sigh and was ready to protest, but she cut me again before I could do so. "For Lan's sake- You really piss me off. Just accept it."
The mindless me shrugged her shoulders, obviously trying her hardest not to disrespect the foxian's passion for bringing things for the people she cared. But was I wrong? It had no use, they all would fade away at some point. What precious was the moment, objects didn't hold any importance compared to it.
Now even memories, even my memories were unable to prove that.
We idled for a few seconds, maybe half a minute, just enough for the silence to feel weird. It wasn't long when I suddenly heard a sniff from my dearest.
My panicked figure looked at her eyes to see any signs of tears, and there were some indeed. Not knowing what to say, because my damned mouth just wouldn't work for the situations like this, I put my hand on her shoulder worriedly. Tried my best to give her company.
The scene, the pathetic state I was in- it was beyond hilarious.
My warm touch, I believed it was so back then, seemed to be enough for her to let herself cry freely. Because the next time I blinked, the foxian was already in my arms and giving in completely. As her tears were being poured into my clothes, I could feel all the power in my body had sucked out by an unknown being called desperation- literally what I detested the most in my entire life.
"What bothers you?" I asked finally after she seemed to calm down a bit, my voice was still there after all. In the meantime I was scratching the back of her foxian ears since it looked like it helped a lot. Though, the response didn't come immediately.
We stood there for a heartbeat stretched thin into eternity, a moment we both knew would pass quickly if we let it- so we held onto it tighter than before. We had all seen war for what it was- more than once. Even if we stood as the victors, as the heroes now, there was no absolute assurance of our rather peaceful lives. It weighed on us when someone showed their gratitude for saving the day. Probably saving a decade, while watching our comrades die. It weighed on her when the possibility of some of the five of us could actually fall down in battle some day. So in moments like this, we tended to hold each other like it could prevent everything.
Of course she didn't need to say anything. We all felt the same. I felt the same.
But she did anyway.
"Liu... Don't ever leave my side."
I could see the gentle sparkle in her eyes, ones that outshone any gem. I could see the way our hands were intertwined- so stiff yet so sure. The tremble of her lips. A sight so delicate that it disrupted the rhythm of my heart, a bizarre reaction that I had yet to understand fully.
And I answered her request with a seal of our lips that was firm, unrestrained, and certain. I regretted how certain it was.
But... you left my side.
The soft flesh yielded instantly, our lips moved in a desperate sync.
Never let me be the selfish one, did you?
The rest of it was a total mess, a mix of incoherent sounds with blurry images. The more I tried to make sense of them, the more pain it brought.
---
Lungs had been emptied. Squeezed out. Air was dry, the breath I took inside turned into a poisonous dream each time. There appeared a vast scenery of familiar events, nothing but meaningless reminiscences.
Eyes had been frozen. Extinguished. A simple sunlight wasn't enough for to illuminate them. They were closed to matter world not to open again.
Memory had finished its phases. It wasn't a cycle, nor a reborn, the end was clear: moon had died in its brightest state.
I was lost in a feverish dream, a dream that seemed willing to follow me to the grave. A dream which I stood and stared, trying to make sense of what I was seeing, as if there was no chaos swirling around me. There was no light left for me to see- my eyes held the darkest corners of despair.
A dream where my nostrils burned with each choked inhale. Filled with the smell of blood, dirt, fire-
I couldn't really tell if it was the gunfire or the fire inside me, which grew larger every second the foxian didn't breathe.
---
The woman found herself in pure darkness. Although it was because of her blindfold, which had a crescent moon on it, she could sense that the place she was in had no single lighting. Her hands were cold like ice, wrists were tied to death, yet a desire to chuckle lingered through her throat. It was just another mara-struck experience. "Even for me, it's not possible to completely prevent this fragile mind from surrendering itself... I wonder if your name will stay still next time, Baiheng."