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Jaebum was six when he experienced his first heartbreak.
As a child, he waited for the numbers on his wrist to show up, waited even as the days dragged on to months and the months dragged on to years.
He watched his parents smile at each other softly, they way they danced past each other with an unspoken ease, how they seemingly fitted together perfectly with no gaps between them.
Jaebum craved it, determined to achieve what his parents had built with a longing inside of him.
So he waited.
But the years gone and pass and he looked for the numbers less and less.
He tried to stay hopeful, he watches the other children around him brag about their numbers, watched a pair of soulmates claim each other before they could even spell properly.
He looked at the pair of classmates, with each other’s names etched onto their wrists, a happy future about set in store for them.
He takes a deep breath and decides he’ll wait for a little while longer.
~
He’s eight when he begins wavering. He sits by the window and watches pairs of soulmates past by the window every day, watches unplanned encounters let halves meet.
He looks desperately at the blank canvas that is his wrist and waits.
All his classmates have numbers to talk about, if not names already branded onto their wrist. He looks at the rainbow of colors surrounding him, to his own blank milky skin.
He’s nine before he knows it and a year older.
His wrist is just as bare.
~
Jaebum’s just turned twelve when he stops altogether.
He sits by the window of his house, watches another pair of soulmates meet.
The soft smiles carved on their faces when they meet.
Jaebum screams in frustration.
He’s been waiting for all his life, he of all people deserves the chance.
He screams until his throat is hoarse and his head is light.
He tears his calendar off from the wall where he marks the pasting days and throws it out along with his hopes and determination.
He stops waiting.
~
Jaebum is halfway through being fifteen when he decides to give auditioning for JYP entertainment a chance.
He dances and sings, and when the day is over with, he doesn't have any regrets.
When he's called into the office to find Park Jinyoung, the head of the company sitting behind a desk with two stools in front of him, he sits down warily.
"So," he hears the CEO say and he turns to the man, startled.
The amused glance fixed on him makes him shrink back, embarrassed."Don't take offence to this, but I hear you have no numbers?" He inquires.
Jaebum falls silent, turning his wrist to look at the blank skin that has been with him his entire life.
"Thats right. I don't have a soulmate number, but I don't see how that would stop me from becoming a top idol."
The shocked expression that takes over JYP's face only lasts a second before he lets out a boisterous laugh. "I like you already," he says after calming down, “you’re right, there's no reason that would stop you."
Smug, Jaebum's moment of pride was cut short when a timid knock on the door rang.
A boy with cat-like features peers his head in, looking at him curiously before sitting down in the leftover stool.
JYP tells them they've both been accepted to his company.
Jaebum looks at his numberless wrist lying heavily in his lap and feels like he’s finally free from his wait.
~
The boy with the feline feature is called Park Jinyoung, just like the head of their new company.
He bashfully introduces himself to Jaebum, and he grins when he hears the other test his name.
Jaebum laughs when Jinyoung declares them friends and tells him that they should stick together.
Jaebum looks at the smile on Jinyoung's face and suddenly feels the urge to smile back.
So he does that and tells the other he has no objections to his suggestion and watches the smile grow bigger.
His heartbeat is suddenly too quick.
~
A week later he tells Jinyoung he has no numbers.
Jaebum feels truly jealous of somebody's number for the first time in his life when he looks at the saffron numbers branded on Jinyoung's wrist.
The 311 that sat there set up a silent wall between them, and he watches Jinyoung turn his gaze back to him.
"Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me this, it means a lot," Jinyoung chooses at last.
Jaebum smiles softly at him, and furiously tries to shove the rising feelings in him down.
~
Jaebum's sixteen when he begins waiting again.
He watches the shape of Jinyoung's chest as he breaths in and out after a particularly hard dance practice, the curve of his hips as he dances, the pout he falls into when he tried to do aegyo. It shouldn't stand out to him, but it does only for the simple reason that it's Jinyoung.
Jaebums wants to kiss him.
But he watches the gaze of JYP when he comes to watch them practice.
The CEO's expression is one of those searching for the next potential star, and more than often the gaze lands on him.
He looks at Jinyoung laugh with the other trainees, not noticing the heavy gaze Jaebum has on him.
He can’t ruin his chances just yet.
Jaebum begins waiting again, but this time it's not for the same reason.
~
Jaebum's seventeen when it's announced that he'll be debuting as part of a duo with Jinyoung.
The two of them cheer in excitement, and when Jaebum turns to Jinyoung with a wide smile, Jinyoung smiles equally wide back.
Jaebum feels his heart flutter in his chest when he brings Jinyoung in for a hug, but he doesn't say anything even as Jinyoung prances off to tell the other trainees.
He’s been waiting for so long, a little longer won’t hurt.
~
The next months are hectic and filled with schedules as they prepare for their debut.
One night, Jinyoung falls asleep on his shoulder on their way back to the dorm.
Jaebum's throat feels clogged up all of a sudden, but he twists to look at the handsome features of his friend, the soft eyelashes barely brushing against his cheeks and the feline like mouth.
Jaebum shifts to make it more comfortable for Jinyoung and promptly chokes as Jinyoung makes a sound of contentment and shifts closer.
Jaebum exhales shakily, ignoring the giddy feeling in his chest.He's almost disappointed when he has to wake Jinyoung later when they arrive at the dorms.
~
Jaebum's a few months into being eighteen when JJ Project debuts.
It's past midnight and they're returning from watching the release of the "Bounce" MV.
He turns his gaze to look at Jinyoung still celebrating beside him, smiling at his best friend's childish antics. The lighting around them shines down on Jinyoung, lighting his face up in an ethereal way.
Jaebum really really wants to kiss him.
He's swooped in to lift Jinyoung's chin and connect their lips before he realised what he's doing, but instantly his blood boils because he's kissing Jinyoung.
He feels as if his waiting has finally paid off, but it's gone as fast as it comes before he feels hands on his chest pushing him away.
Desperately, he reaches for Jinyoung again, "Don't tell me you don't feel it Jinyoung, we both have feelings for each other. What's stopping us?"
He's not dense enough not to notice the similar gazes Jinyoung has on him these days.
Jinyoung looks at him with wide eyes before running out of the room.
Jaebum watches his retreating back and restarts his waiting with renewed vigour.
~
When he climbs into bed that night, awaiting the morning to come, he thinks back to the numbers of Jinyoung's wrist.
He remembers the jealously he had when he had first laid eyes on the saffron numbers and thinks he's always been more jealous of the person who held the same set of numbers as Jinyoung rather than Jinyoung for having a set of numbers.
He looks at the vacant space where Jinyoung sleeps and wonders what the morning will bring.
~
It's only when he's woken up and sitting in the living room when Jinyoung approaches him.
Jaebum experiences his second heartbreak when Jinyoung tells him he's sorry.
He looks as Jinyoung's distressed face and tries to choke down a rising sob.
"...but why?" He asks, managing clear his throat.
Jinyoung lifts his arm up wordlessly and shows him the saffron numbers branded on.
Jaebum feels anger seething in him. Of all people, he thought Jinyoung would be different, he thought Jinyoung would have cared about him enough to be different.
He knows he's being unreasonable, but he turns around to stalk out of the room anyways, resolved not to let anybody see his hurt.
The unspoken wall between them, the saffron digits on Jinyoung's wrist, seems looms taller when Jaebum finally breaks down in the safety of his room.
~
Jaebum's nearing nineteen when he's called into the office again by JYP.
When he notices the dark and disappointed look on his face, Jaebum can already feel his heart sink in his chest.
JYP tells them the chemistry between them isn't good enough, that they're not getting as much attention as they had originally thought.
Bile rises in his throat and he takes a glance at Jinyoung next to him. The other looks panicked, face dejected and Jaebum can feel himself shaking as the shock wears in.
The atmosphere between them has been tense ever since Jinyoung rejected him, but Jaebum honestly thought it hadn't been bad enough to break them up. If he had known, he would have made an effort to fix their relationship. It should never have gotten to this point.
JYP look at them, sighing sadly before informing them that they'll be debuting in a group of 7 later on.
Jaebum scoffs, the only reason they're not taken apart is because whatever fans they have wouldn't have liked the split.
He looks down at his blank wrist lying on his lap the same way it had been the first time he had stepped into the same office.
He wonders how long he'll have to wait before he's allowed to be happy.
~
When they've just stepped out of the office, the first thing Jaebum does is turn to Jinyoung.
"Don't you dare." He says, watching Jinyoung turn mutely towards him. "Don't you dare blame yourself, I'm as much to blame as you."
Jinyoung looks like he's steps away from crying, Jaebum feels his heart soften at the sight.
"I'm sorry, Jaebum"
Jaebum takes a deep breath. "It's okay, Jinyoung. I am too."
The watery smile Jinyoung gives him is reason enough for Jaebum to smile back.
~
It's a new year and he's nineteen when he meets the ones that will form the rest of their group.
He finds Jinyoung in front of the double doors that lead to the lounge where the other five trainees are.
Jinyoung turns to him with a sighs, running his eyes through his features before reaching for the doors.
It's a new year and he's nineteen when he meets there's ones that will form the rest of their group.
He finds Jinyoung in front of the double doors that lead to the lounge where the other five trainees are.
JInyoung turns to him with a sigh, before turning to reach for the doors.
Jaebum’s heart is hammering in his chest, but he forces his face into a neutral expression, stepping into the room with an almost robotic walk.
There's two clear pairs in the room, and another isolated boy sitting between them.
Suddenly, the boy bends forward to rip something off, and Jaebum almost surges forwards to make sure he's okay.
He turns to Jinyoung for assistance and sees him clutching at his wrist.
Suddenly, he understands.
He watches the two study each other, both of their eyes sliding past him, as if there was nobody else in the room except for them.
"Hey," he hears the boy whisper.
He watches Jinyoung smile back.
How many times his heart has broken before, Jaebum wonders, he's already lose count.
~
Later, when they've all been introduced , he finds out he's in a group with three pairs of soulmates.
Jaebum looks at the names branded on the inside of their wrists and wonders how long he'll have to wait to be able to say he’s truly happy.
~
Over the course of six months, he watches their group grow into one.
He watches Jinyoung and Youngjae become closer, and thinks he should be bitter.
But when Youngjae smiles softly at himself and hands him a water bottle and tells him not to push himself so much, Jaebum can't bring himself to hate the other boy.
When he watches the two talk quietly in their own time, the genuine smile on Jinyoung's face when he sees Youngjae, the way Youngjae seems to gravitate towards Jinyoung.
As the months past, Jaebum finds himself okay with it.
It hurts, it's bound to, but as Jaebum watches their group become one, it slowly fades away.
Maybe his wait for happiness is closer than he thought it would be.
~
Jaebum is twenty when he debuts again.
He steps into the stage, watching the crowd in the stands and looks to his group.
All of them are nervous, visibly in different states of worry.
He looks at them and clear his throat, watching them turn to him.
"We've already come this far, let's give it our all, okay?" He says gently, and smiles back when they all grin at him.
He steps out on stage, heart light at the loud roar that sparks when he does.
"Hello, I'm Jaebum, the leader of GOT7, thank you for having us." He says in face of the sparkling lights, the noisy cheering and the beginning of their song.
He turns to his group, giving them a nod.
"Come and get it, GOT7!"
Jaebum looks forward and smiles.
+bonus
Jaebum is twenty two when it finally happens.
It's the after party of the award they just won, and he laughs as the beginning chords of "Hard Carry" begin to play.
Mark and Jackson are talking excitedly to some other idols, Yugyeom and Bambam laughing with them.
He spots Jinyoung and Youngjae in the corner of the room, watching the two of them sport matching grins.
The presence of somebody dropping to sit by him is unmistakable, and he turns to find Jimin.
"It hurts, doesn't it. Being the only one in your group not to be paired." The BTS member goes on to say causally.
Jaebum feels his eyes widen, "How did you-"
He's cut off when Jimin lifts his wrist to show a blank canvas.
The two of them fall into a comfortable silence when he turns back to watch the crowd.
"Wanna dance?" Jimin perks up.
Jaebum turns to him and sees the wide grin on the others face.
Jaebum finds himself smiling back.
It's only later when he realises it.
He stumbles off the dance floor with a blank wrist and Park Jimin hanging off his arm and finally finds the end to his wait for happiness.