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Tom had wanted a cat for years.
Not in the casual “cats are cute” way.
In the dangerous way.
The way people want thunderstorms or tattoos or children. The kind of wanting that grows claws and growls inside your ribs.
So naturally, the second John Nipples finally existed in his flat, Tom dissolved into a complete emotional catastrophe.
“I can’t do this,” Tom whispered for the fourteenth time, pacing the living room with tears running down his face.
“What if he hates me? What if I crush him in my sleep? What if he gets sick? What if he explodes somehow?”
“Cats generally do not explode,” Pip said gently from the couch.
“That’s not a guarantee, Pip.”
John Nipples, meanwhile, was entirely unconcerned with the psychological collapse occurring around him. The tiny kitten sat in the middle of the rug licking one foot with profound commitment.
Luke was crouched beside Tom with both hands lightly on his arms, grounding him before he paced himself into another dimension.
“Tom,” Luke said softly, “look at me for a second.”
Tom tried. Failed. Tried again.
“You are not going to hurt the cat.”
“But what if I do accidentally?”
“You once cried because you stepped on AJ’s shoelace.”
“That was different.”
“It really wasn’t.”
Across the room, AJ was trying not to laugh while Sam leaned against the kitchen counter making tea for what had become a household medical emergency.
Jay, still in her scrubs from work, sat cross-legged on the floor near the kitten.
“As the only licensed doctor here,” Jay announced solemnly, “I diagnose you with New Pet Terror.”
“That’s a real thing?” Tom asked weakly.
“No,” Jay said. “But you’ve got it bad.”
John Nipples suddenly launched himself directly into Jay’s lap like a badly aimed pair of socks.
Jay blinked.
“Well,” she said, lifting the kitten under the arms, “the patient appears stable.”
Tom made a sound somewhere between a sob and a hiccup.
“I don’t deserve him.”
Sam walked over then, mug in one hand, and carefully scooped John Nipples from Jay before placing the kitten directly into Tom’s trembling arms. Jay looked offended but knows it is for a good cause.
The room went quiet.
Tom froze like someone had handed him a live grenade.
John Nipples stared at him for exactly two seconds before climbing up onto his chest, turning three circles, and collapsing beneath Tom’s chin with the absolute confidence of a creature who had already decided: yep. this one is mine.
Tom’s breathing hitched hard.
“Oh no,” AJ murmured from the couch. “He’s crying harder.”
“I’m trying not to,” Tom sniffed, clutching the kitten carefully. “He’s so small.”
John Nipples immediately began purring loud enough to sound mechanically defective.
Pip smiled softly. “Congrats,” they said. “You’ve been adopted.”
Tom looked down at the kitten asleep against his heartbeat.
Then at all of them around him.
Luke beside him. Jay mentally exhausted, but physically awake . Sam handing him tea. AJ smiling quietly. Pip half-buried in blankets.
And for the first time all evening, Tom stopped looking terrified.
Not because the fear Tom had finally stopped crying.
This was considered a major therapeutic breakthrough by everyone in the apartment.
John Nipples was asleep on his chest, tiny paws twitching occasionally, little pink nose buried in Tom’s hoodie.
The room had gone soft and sleepy around them. Sam and AJ were sharing a blanket on the couch, Pip was scrolling through their phone half-asleep, Luke was making tea number two, and Jay had stolen one of Tom’s floor cushions.
Everything was calm.
Peaceful.
Then Tom’s eyes widened.
“Why is he making that noise.”
Nobody looked up immediately.
“What noise?” Pip asked.
Tom stared down at the kitten in horror. “The engine.”
John Nipples was purring with the force of a lawnmower fighting Zeus. The kitten vibrated violently against Tom’s ribs. Tom looked increasingly alarmed with every passing second.
“He’s getting louder.”
Luke glanced over from the kitchen. “That means he’s happy, lovebug.”
“No, Luke, listen to him. That is industrial machinery.”
Jay leaned over slightly, listening.
The purring somehow intensified.
Tom’s face drained of colour.
“Oh my god.”
“What?”
“What if he explodes?!”
The room went silent for two seconds.
Then AJ made the unfortunate mistake of snorting.
Tom looked offended. “I’m serious!”
“Tom,” Sam said carefully, already smiling, “cats don’t explode from purring.”
“But how do you know?! Has anyone checked?!”
“He’s not a kettle,” Pip said.
John Nipples continued rattling like a tiny diesel generator.
Tom looked genuinely distressed now.
“He’s too small to make that sound.”
Jay held out her hands. “Give him here, doctor’s inspection.”
Tom reluctantly handed over the kitten.
The second John Nipples settled into Jay’s lap, the purring somehow became even louder.
Jay blinked once. “…good lord.”
“SEE?!” Tom pointed accusingly. “That’s medically concerning.”
Luke sat beside Tom, shoulders shaking with laughter.
“You thought your kitten was going to detonate.”
“He sounds pressurized, Luke.”
Jay lifted the kitten slightly, listening to the tiny motor inside him.
“I regret to inform everyone,” she said gravely, “that he appears to be full of soup.”
AJ lost it entirely at that point, nearly falling sideways off the couch laughing. Even Pip had buried their face in a cushion.
Tom crossed his arms defensively. “You’re all making fun of me and when he combusts I will remember this.”
As if offended by the accusation, John Nipples climbed directly out of Jay’s lap and marched back across the couch to Tom before curling up against his stomach again.
The purring resumed instantly.
Tom looked down at him suspiciously.
“…you are being weird on purpose.”
Luke crouched beside the couch with the careful seriousness of a man approaching a wild animal. Tom still had one arm wrapped protectively around John Nipples, who was purring loud enough to vibrate the sofa cushions.
“I’m going to test something,” Luke announced.
“That sentence has never ended well,” Pip muttered.
Luke ignored them and held a tiny cat treat between two fingers before placing it directly in front of John Nipples’ nose. The kitten stopped purring instantly.
The entire room went silent. John Nipples stared at the treat. The treat stared back.
Tom gasped softly. “Oh my god. He can turn it off.”
John Nipples slowly lifted one microscopic paw and touched the treat like he was confirming it was real.
Then, without warning, he grabbed it with both paws and fell sideways dramatically trying to eat it.
Jay made a strangled noise into her sleeve.
AJ was openly crying laughing now.
“He has absolutely zero coordination,” Sam said fondly.
Tom watched the kitten wrestle the treat like it owed him money.
“…he’s perfect.”
John Nipples finally succeeded in eating half the treat before immediately climbing back onto Tom’s stomach and restarting the purr engine at full capacity.
BRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Tom looked betrayed. “Why is it louder now?!”
Luke grinned. “I think you rewarded him for surviving.”
“That’s not funny, Luke, he sounds haunted.”
The kitten blinked slowly up at Tom, tiny mouth slightly open, still purring with catastrophic force.
Pip tilted their head. “He kinda looks like he demands you to pay your taxes.”
“He looks like a divorced mechanic,” AJ added.
“No,” Jay said immediately, “he looks like he’s about to tell me the economy is collapsing.”
Tom stared down at the tiny creature curled against him.
John Nipples purred louder somehow.
Tom sighed deeply. “If this cat kills me, tell people I fought bravely.”
Without missing a beat, Sam said: “We’ll put it in the obituary.”
Pip escaped to the kitchen purely because it was the only room in the flat not currently occupied by catastrophic emotions.
The kettle clicked quietly as they leaned against the counter, exhaling.
Behind them, the apartment still hummed with laughter and the tiny chainsaw purr of John Nipples.
Peace at last.
For approximately four seconds.
Then soft footsteps approached.
Pip turned slightly.
Jay had wandered into the kitchen wearing Tom’s oversized hoodie over her scrubs, hair a mess, eyes sleepy. Without saying a word, she walked directly into Pip’s space and leaned against them like a tired house cat that can out-feline Mr Nipples.
Pip snorted softly. “Hello to you too.”
“I require affection,” Jay mumbled into their shoulder.
“Obviously.”
Pip wrapped an arm around her automatically.
A second later, another presence appeared.
Tiny.
Dark.
Judgmental.
John Nipples sat in the kitchen doorway staring up at them both.
Pip blinked. “Oh for fuck’s sake.”
The kitten let out the smallest possible meow.
Jay immediately pointed downward without lifting her head. “He also requires affection.”
“I gathered that.”
John Nipples marched into the kitchen with the confidence of a landlord arriving to inspect property.
He circled Pip’s ankles once before dramatically flopping onto one foot.
Pip looked down at him. “You’re emotionally manipulative.”
The kitten began purring.
Jay, still half-asleep against Pip’s shoulder, whispered: “He learnt from Tom.”
From the living room came Tom’s distant, offended: “I HEARD THAT.”
AJ immediately followed with: “You thought the cat was going to explode.”
“That was ONE TIME.”
“One time an hour ago,” Sam corrected.
Luke was laughing hard enough that something thudded against the coffee table. Meanwhile in the kitchen, Pip carefully picked up John Nipples with one arm while still holding Jay with the other. The kitten instantly climbed onto their shoulder like a tiny fuzzy parrot.
Jay looked at him with sleepy betrayal. “You replaced me quickly.”
John Nipples blinked slowly.
Pip sighed dramatically at both of them. “You’re lucky I’m weak to pathetic creatures.”
Jay smiled immediately. “Aww.”
“I was talking to the cat.”
The purring intensified.
From the living room came a loud THUNK followed immediately by Luke swearing.
The kitchen went still.
Pip looked toward the doorway. “…What was that noise, Luke?”
There was a suspicious pause.
Then Luke’s voice, deeply strained: “Nothing.”
Another pause.
A quieter: “…the lamp is fine.”
AJ immediately started laughing again.
“The lamp is NOT fine if you’re talking to it like a hostage negotiator,” Sam called out.
Jay lifted her head slightly from Pip’s shoulder. “Did he break something?”
“I think he became something,” Pip replied.
John Nipples, still perched on Pip’s shoulder, stared toward the living room with enormous unblinking eyes like he too sensed disaster. Another noise echoed through the flat.
CLATTER
Then Tom, “LUKE, WHY IS THE SHADE SIDEWAYS?!”
“I DIDN’T SEE IT.”
“IT’S A LAMP.”
“It moved unexpectedly!”
“It was stationary!”
Pip slowly walked back toward the living room carrying: one sleepy very intelligible girlfriend, and one soot-coloured shoulder gargoyle.
The scene they arrived to was horrific.
The floor lamp beside the sofa was tilted at a violent angle, the shade hanging on by what looked like emotional commitment alone.
Luke stood beside it holding the detached pull-chain with the expression of a Victorian child caught near a broken vase.
Sam had fully slid off the couch laughing.
AJ couldn’t breathe.
Tom still clutched a blanket around himself protectively while staring at the lamp like it had died in combat.
Pip looked at Luke. “How?”
Luke pointed defensively. “In my defence, I forgot how long my legs are.”
“That’s not a defence,” Jay said immediately.
"Luke, you're short. Try again." Tom adds
John Nipples suddenly launched himself off Pip’s shoulder directly toward the crooked lamp.
Everyone yelled at once.
The kitten smacked into the lampshade.
The lampshade fell off completely.
Silence.
John Nipples sat triumphantly inside the fallen shade like he had conquered Rome.
Tom gasped. “Oh my god. He finished it off.”
The flat had finally settled into softness after the Great Lamp Incident.
Warm lights. Blankets everywhere. Half-drunk mugs of tea abandoned on every available surface.
AJ had somehow maneuvered Tom fully horizontal across the couch and now held him like an emotional support Victorian widow. Tom was still muttering occasional concerns about whether John Nipples’ internal engine was OSHA compliant, but the panic had drained out of him enough that his eyes kept fluttering shut.
Across the room, Luke sat cross-legged on the floor beside the crooked lamp remains.
John Nipples sat directly in front of him.
Both of them stared at each other with identical expressions of mild confusion.
Luke slowly held out another treat. “You and I got off on the wrong foot.”
The kitten accepted this peace offering immediately.
“Traitor,” Tom whispered weakly from the couch.
John Nipples ignored him completely in favour of climbing directly into Luke’s lap.
Luke looked genuinely delighted. “Oh my god. He likes me.”
“He likes structural destruction,” Pip said.
“That too.”
Meanwhile in the kitchen doorway, Jay was practically asleep standing upright against Pip.
Not metaphorically. Literally.
Every few seconds she’d lazily kiss somewhere along Pip’s jaw or neck before gently nipping at them with sleepy little absent-minded bites like an exhausted orange cat pretending violence. Pip tilted their head slightly as Jay bit their jawline again.
“You’re very bitey tonight.”
Jay hummed against their skin. “Mhm.”
“That’s not a sentence.”
Another kiss.
Another tiny nip.
Pip sighed dramatically toward the ceiling. “I’m being consumed.”
“You love it,” Sam called from the couch without even looking up.
“I didn’t ask for commentary from the peanut gallery.”
AJ grinned. “Actually I think you did by standing there getting gnawed on in public.”
Jay made a soft offended noise and buried her face deeper into Pip’s shoulder.
“She’s eepy,” Luke said from the floor, now fully holding John Nipples like a tiny baby.
Jay was half-asleep.
That was important context.
Because fully conscious Jay was at least vaguely aware of consequences.
Sleepy Jay operated entirely on instinct.
Which was how Pip suddenly felt sharp little teeth catch against a very sensitive spot low on their neck.
Pip froze instantly.
Not dramatically.
Just a full-body system error.
Jay, meanwhile, made a soft pleased noise against their skin completely oblivious to the damage she’d just inflicted.
The kitten was purring violently again.
Tom pointed weakly from the couch. “See? He’s doing it again.”
Luke looked down at the tiny vibrating soot creature in his lap.
“…okay yeah that’s medically strange.”
“THANK YOU.”
Across the room, Sam noticed first.
His eyes widened slightly over the rim of his mug.
Then he very deliberately looked away like a man spotting a live grenade and choosing survival.
AJ noticed next.
AJ immediately buried his face into Tom’s shoulder to stop himself laughing.
Tom blinked sleepily. “What?”
“Nothing,” AJ squeaked.
Luke was too busy holding a sleeping John Nipples to understand the shift in atmosphere.
Pip slowly looked down at Jay.
Jay blinked up at them with heavy sleepy eyes and absolutely zero comprehension.
“…what?” she mumbled softly.
Pip stared for another long second.
“You cannot do that while unconscious.”
Jay frowned slightly. “Do what?”
Another tiny absent-minded kiss landed against their neck.
Pip physically shut their eyes. From the couch came the sound of AJ silently losing his mind.
Tom looked between everyone in confusion. “Why does it suddenly feel illegal in here.”
Sam finally sighed into his tea. “Because your doctor friend just activated Pip like a sleeper agent.”
“I HEARD THAT,” Pip said immediately.
Jay finally seemed to realize something had happened.
Her expression shifted slowly from sleepy confusion to dawning horror.
“…oh.”
“Yeah,” Pip replied weakly.
Jay buried her face into Pip’s shoulder instantly. “I’m sorry.”
AJ was openly laughing now.
“You nearly killed them.”
“I did not.”
“You absolutely did,” Sam said calmly.
Luke finally looked up. “What’s happening?”
Four people answered at once: “Nothing.”
John Nipples stretched one paw dramatically toward Luke’s hoodie string before falling sideways directly into sleep mid-motion.
The entire room collectively melted a little.
After some rearranging: AJ pulled Tom close against his chest. Pip stroked Jay’s hair slowly while she hovered half-conscious against them. Sam tucked a blanket over Luke’s legs. And John Nipples slept through all of it like the tiny loud engine of the household itself.