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Luke had expected it to feel silly. That was the dangerous part. If it had felt ridiculous, if he'd put the dress on and laughed and immediately wanted it off again, then everything would have stayed neatly contained.
Instead, it felt... right.
And Luke didn't know what to do with that, Jay was just helping him with the zipper.
"Hold still," she muttered.
"I'm trying."
"No, you're vibrating."
"I'm having an experience."
"Clearly."
The zipper slid up his back and Luke just stared at the floor. Jay stepped back. "There."
Silence. Luke didn't move.
"Luke?"
Silence
"Did it explode?"
Silence
"Is it ugly?"
Luke finally looked up. The mirror was across the room. The dress wasn't particularly fancy. Just one of Jay's older dresses. Soft fabric. Dark blue. Slightly fitted waist. Nothing dramatic.
But it fit. Not perfectly. Not the way it fit Jay.
But enough. Enough that something in Luke's chest suddenly cracked open. His eyes immediately filled and flooded.
"Oh."
Jay's expression changed instantly. Not alarm. Concern.
"Oh, sweetheart."
Luke made a horrible choking sound. The kind that happens right before the sobs.
"Nope."
And then he burst into tears.
Jay crossed the room immediately, "Hey, hey, hey."
Luke folded in half as his hands flew to his face, "I don't know why I'm crying."
"Okay."
"I don't know why this is happening."
"Okay."
"I thought it'd be funny."
"Okay."
"I thought I'd look stupid."
Jay gently took his wrists before he could rub his eyes raw.
"You don't."
That somehow made it worse. Luke sobbed. Actually sobbed.
Ugly crying. Shoulders shaking. The whole thing.
Jay guided him onto the edge of the bed.
"Talk to me."
"I can't."
"Try."
Luke stared at the dress pooled around his knees. His voice came out tiny.
"I like it."
Jay nodded, "Okay."
"I really like it."
"Okay."
"I like it too much."
And there it was. The thing he'd been terrified to say. The thing sitting in the middle of his chest. The thing he'd been avoiding looking at.
Jay stayed quiet.
Waiting.
"I don't know what that means."
The words were barely audible. Jay squeezed his hand.
"It doesn't have to mean anything immediately."
"But what if it does?"
"It still doesn't need an answer today."
Luke shook his head violently, "what if I'm not who I thought I was?"
Jay's face softened.
"What if you aren't?"
Luke froze, realising that wasn't the response he'd expected, "what?"
"What if you aren't?"
Luke stared off and Jay shrugged gently.
"People change."
"I don't think this is changing."
"Then people discover things."
Luke looked away, and yet the tears kept coming.
"I don't know if I want to discover things."
"That's fair."
"What if everything gets complicated?"
Jay laughed softly, "Luke."
"What?"
"Everything was already complicated."
That earned a wet, miserable snort, and Jay handed him a tissue.
"Thanks."
"You look very pretty, by the way."
Luke immediately covered his face again, "oh my god."
"I stand by my statement."
"Jay."
"I mean it."
"Jay."
"You do."
Luke made another pathetic noise. A long silence settled between them. Not uncomfortable.
Just quiet. Safe. Eventually Luke lets out a whisper, "I think I'm scared."
Jay nodded.
"Yeah."
"What if Sam thinks I'm insane?"
Jay barked out a laugh, which left Luke looking offended.
"Why are you laughing?"
"Because Sam willingly chose me."
"That doesn't answer the question."
"It absolutely answers the question."
Luke considered that. Then reluctantly, "...fair."
Jay leaned her shoulder against his.
"You don't need to decide anything."
Luke stared down at the skirt gathered in his lap, "but I can keep wearing it?"
Jay looked genuinely offended, "Luke."
"What?"
"It is literally fabric."
Luke laughed despite himself; a shaky, tearful laugh.
Jay smiled.
"There you go."
Luke sat there for a while longer, still crying occasionally.
Still confused. Still scared. But not alone.
And for the first time since the zipper had gone up, the fear wasn't the loudest thing in the room. The loudest thing was the realization that nobody had told him to stop.
Nobody had laughed.
Nobody had looked disgusted.
Nobody had told him he was wrong.
Jay had simply helped him into the dress.
And stayed.
And somehow that kindness hurt enough to make him cry all over again.
Luke was midway through another existential crisis and Jay sat beside him on the bed.
The dress pooling around his knees.
His eyes were red. His face was red. His entire soul felt red.
Jay had one arm around his shoulders while he continued trying to explain the feeling.
"What if I'm not who I thought I was?"
"Then you're not."
"But-"
The bedroom door opened.
Sam walked in, looked directly at Luke. Looked directly at the dress. Looked directly at Jay, and then immediately began opening drawers.
Luke froze.
Jay froze.
Neither spoke.
Sam continued rummaging.
"..."
"..."
"..."
Luke stared. Sam shut one drawer.
Opened another.
"Hm."
Luke blinked. Sam blinked back.
Then pointed at the dress.
"White trainers."
Luke stared harder.
"What?"
"Looks better with white trainers."
And then Sam returned to searching, and the room went back to being silent.
Luke looked at Jay. Jay looked at Luke.
Then both looked at Sam.
Who was now checking beneath a pile of hoodies.
"Sam."
"Hm?"
Luke's voice cracked, Sam glanced up.
"What?"
"I am having a gender crisis."
"Oh."
Sam nodded. Looked at the dress again.
"Still think white trainers."
Then resumed searching.
Luke made a noise somewhere between a laugh and a sob. Jay immediately folded in half laughing.
"Oh my God."
"What?"
Sam looked genuinely confused.
"Your best friend is crying."
"Yes."
"He thinks his identity is collapsing."
"Mm."
"And your contribution was footwear."
Sam looked offended, "it was a styling recommendation."
Luke laughed so hard he nearly cried again, which unfortunately made him cry again. Jay reaches over to the side table and hands him another tissue.
Sam finally stopped searching, ""has anyone seen my pen?"
"No."
"No."
"Damn."
He walked toward the door. Paused. Turnt back. Looked at Luke.
For one brief second Luke expected something serious.
Something profound. Something comforting.
Sam nodded, "you look nice."
Then he pointed, "white trainers."
And left.
The door shut.
Silence.
Luke stared after him, Jay immediately lost the battle and started laughing again which made Luke laugh too. Mostly because if he didn't laugh he'd start crying for a third time.
From somewhere else in the house, "I FOUND THE PEN."
Jay shouted back, "WHERE WAS IT?"
A pause, then a defeated, "in my hand."
Luke laughed so hard he nearly fell off the bed. And somehow, for the first time all afternoon, everything felt a little less terrifying.