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In another time, in another set of circumstances, a fiery inner battle was being fought. A cause for celebration became the reason for concern; and a person that should be preparing to take things easy instead began stressing herself out until she realized that this could not stand.
“You’re drinking coffee today as well.” Hiratsuka Shizuka commented. A simple gesture to start a conversation on something evident, easy on both of them.
“Eh? What do you mean? It’s early in the morning after all.” The young woman sipping from her special edition B-Komachi cup signed by all the members, however, got defensive instantly. “I can stop whenever I want.”
…Right.
“Hoshino-san, did someone already told you that you are drinking too much coffee?” At times like these, it was for the best to be calm and soft. After all, this reaction came from somewhere. And that somewhere was probably either bothersome or uncomfortable.
Better to err on the side of caution.
“Aqua did ask how many cups I had earlier…” Hoshino Ai was many things. And she wasn’t even more. But Shizuka could understand why she’d be on edge if her own child raised a point that she wasn’t prepared to tackle.
“How many have you had since then?” Shizuka patiently asked, letting the young woman’s own logic do all the heavy lifting.
Ai looked at the half-empty cup.
“This is my third cup of the day I think.”
Shizuka screwed her eyes shut.
“And pray tell, did you drink so much coffee before?”
Ai made a point of really thinking about it. Though the teacher already knew the answer, since she had talked with the Saitou couple before and they loved to brag about their golden girl.
“I didn’t drink coffee before.” Hmmm… How convenient! It was almost like Ai got the bad habit from someone else. But Shizuka couldn’t quite pinpoint who…
Truly, one of the mysteries of all time.
“Interesting.” Shizuka took a sip of her own cup, trying not to sound too judgmental. “How is it?”
“I am drinking increasingly bitterer coffee.” Ai sort of dodged the question while looking at her drink. “Hachiman doesn’t like it, but I don’t know what’s the big deal. It’s perfectly fine and his reasoning is dumb.”
Oh? Was the household having its first problems due to coffee? Now that sounded funny, ridiculous even. As expected of Hikigaya.
“Life is bitter so coffee at least should be sweet, right?” Shizuka smiled when Ai nodded.
“But that’s pure nonsense.”
“It’s Hikigaya.” Shizuka reminded the idol.
“And we’re having such a great time.” Ai nodded while continuing her idea. “What’s there to be dissatisfied about?”
“If you think that you can beat that outlook with just a few months of lovey dovey action, then you’re up to a very rough start, Ai.” Shizuka shook her head. She knew her pupil, after all. Even through the years that she had seen him grow, Shizuka had failed time and again to make him think differently. Even when he adapted and adopted new ways to engage with life, he remained… Cautious, with his positivity.
“Do I have to, though?” Ai drew a line on the border of her cup. “I think it makes his happiness all the sweeter.”
Shizuka looked at the girl with newfound warmth.
“Part of making a life together is accepting each other as you are in the end.”
“Yep.” Ai took another sip of her coffee. “But if he turns into a bundle of elated bliss in the end, I wouldn’t be too mad about it.”
A rather interesting phrasing right there. Which reminded Shizuka that, when she asked Ai if they could meet up without Hikigaya, the idol reassured the teacher that he wouldn’t be around if Shizuka dropped by the apartment. However, she didn’t know where he was.
“Come to think of it, did he leave to drop the twins to school or…?”
“No, no. Hachiman’s still asleep.” Ai continued to drink her coffee. “Miyako-san came to take them to school.”
Shizuka stared at the idol’s serene face some more, remembering how she was greeted when Ai just got out of the shower.
“I see. I will not proceed with this line of questioning.”
“Fine by me.” Ai sighed blissfully. “So what’s up? Not that I’m not thrilled to have you visit, but the timing means that there’s something going on, right?”
“Yeah…” Shizuka sighed. “Yes.”
“Can I do something for you, Sensei?” Ai tilted her head with more seriousness. “You may ask for anything. I’d be glad for the opportunity to be helpful!”
“Thanks, Hoshino-san. Really.” Shizuka’s smile turned tired. She had been working on this since the day before, preparing the things that she wanted to say. But in the end, when she finally arrived and was greeted by the Hoshino Ai that took things easy and enjoyed some alone time at home… Shizuka had to wonder if she had grown enough to tackle this new episode of her life.
She couldn’t help it. For a long time, she had taken the role of the guide. The person that had some advice or encouraging words to say to others. The person that people relied on, rather than relying on others.
She had taught the Hiki-gahama-noshita trio to work together and looked out for her ex-students as a simple advisor. Someone that listened and didn’t judge them for it. She knew how to work with others and ask for help.
But her knowledge came from a place of understanding, of having gone through the things that the younger adults were going through. And this? This was new territory. Related to the issues she had carried for a while, but new all the same.
Her ‘life smarts’ only got her to the point of looking for someone with expertise. With the experience to give her some guidance. But asking for said guidance? Shizuka’s patience with Hikigaya and Yukinoshita in particular came from this. From knowing how hard it was to ask for help when you felt lost in a situation where everyone thought you should have things figured out.
Hoshino Ai now lived with her boyfriend, enjoyed the popularity of her last years as an idol, and had gone through enough shit that Shizuka felt confident respecting the girl’s worldly wisdom.
But Ai was way too young, and Shizuka had dragged these chains for far too long. A part of her still refused to speak bluntly, to reveal that she was hopelessly outmatched by a twenty-one years old girl, who just recently learnt what friendship looked like.
In this way, Shizuka’s life created a chokehold on her. One that she struggled with enough to let Ai talk about whatever she wanted up until this point.
“Is… Everything okay?” Ai tilted her head, sounding more cautious now. It seemed like she was figuring things out now. Letting herself draw conclusions whereas she had just enjoyed the company until now.
Thinking, analyzing. Breaking down the information available to her and fitting the pieces to reveal a bigger picture.
Yeah, if Shizuka had time to make up these images, she had time to breach the topic.
“It’s… Yesssss… Everything’s fine. I mean, I did feel a little ill recently. But it’s manageable.” Shizuka admitted. A part of her gave her a ping of warning, but she ignored it.
“Oh, is that so? Maybe I should’ve given you plain water then.” Ai sounded surprised and tried to reach for Shizuka’s cup.
She pulled away. She really, really wanted coffee.
“It’s fine! I’m enjoying it. It’s delicious.”
“Hachiman bought it.” Ai accepted those words and moved on. Like she didn’t want to pry too much. “I’m not sure where it’s from.”
“Haha… Leave it to him to find little gems.”
“You can say that again!” Ai cheered up instantly. She really enjoyed being praised, huh? It was very charming.
“Yeah. There’s a couple of things to look out for, but the kid’s fine.” Shizuka chuckled to herself.
“I’ve never thought about Hachiman as a ‘kid’…” Ai commented with some puzzlement. “It’s kinda weird.”
“Ha, I suppose. For me it’s the opposite: Not thinking of him, or the rest of the ‘Hikigaya protection squad’ as anything but kids is a little difficult.” Shizuka chuckled to herself.
Ai nodded.
“That makes sense.” The idol looked away. “And great to hear…”
“What was that?” Shizuka blinked in confusion.
“Nothing, nothing.” Ai waved Shizuka’s concern off with a hand. “So? I’m getting the picture that this is about my boyfriend.”
Hmmm… Ai-san? Why get protective now?
Shizuka didn’t have the mental fortitude to worry about that now.
“Yes, well… It’s about him… Not really. It’s only tangentially related.” Shizuka placed her fingertips together, unwittingly letting her nervousness get the better of her. “I… It’s something that I just recently got wind of, and I’m just a liiiittle worried of telling him in particular. It’s not bad, but I don’t know how he’ll take it.”
Ai nodded along but her expression wasn’t that of understanding. She was listening, drinking in all of Shizuka’s body language and words.
The knot in her stomach was so intense that Shizuka might’ve tried to throw up from the strain… Wait, she wasn’t getting nauseous for real, was she? That’d be terrible!
“You’re getting married.” Ai stated dryly.
“Ha! Hopefully soon!” Shizuka couldn’t help the cackle. The way it loosened up every muscle in her body was freeing. She was even thankful for Ai’s weird caution here. It gave her just enough leeway to continue. “Taishi-kun is thinking about it seriously now.”
The idol furrowed her brows.
“Now?”
Shizuka sighed.
“I’m pregnant.” The teacher didn’t have the mental fortitude to look the idol straight in the eyes, so she screwed her own closed. Letting the relief and panic wash over her as the words were put on the table. “I… Found out yesterday. Yeah.”
“Oh.” Ai reacted in quiet wonder. That is, until it actually clicked and her features slowly stretched into outright amazement. “Ooohh… Oooohhh! Really?!”
Cute. She looked just like her daughter reacting this way. Even as she stood to her feet and slammed her hands on the table.
Shizuka smiled softly.
“Yes, I’m going to be a mom.”
“Congratulations!” Ai ran to Shizuka’s side and hugged the hell out of the teacher. “Wait, is that what you want? What about Gotanda-san…? Wait, you said he was looking for marriage now. So he agrees?! Congratulations!”
Shizuka released a small sigh under Ai’s strong embrace. The unapologetic happiness for Shizuka helped; way more than she could tell Ai with words. It gave her strength. It relieved the teacher in ways that she didn’t know she’d feel. And made her glad to have come clean without Ai figuring it out from hints in the conversation.
“Yeah, just… Just in time, I think. Haha…” Shizuka pulled away from Ai and scratched her chin nervously. “I was getting a little too old, haha…”
“Not at all! You’re still so young and beautiful!” Ai cheered with some blush on her face. The happiness emanating from the idol was insane. Almost like she was getting good news for herself here. “That child will have the most amazing—well, second most amazing mom ever!”
Shizuka’s happiness dropped to the ground.
“Get a hold of yourself, Hoshino-san. Give me a moment.”
“Ah… Yeah. Sorry.” Ai chuckled awkwardly. “Force of habit!”
Shizuka pondered if Ai was in need of some ‘enhanced lesson’ but decided against it.
“This cheeky brat… Haaaah… Well, it’s fine. I was hoping for some tips here, but I suppose that the lesson here is that the silliness doesn’t end with parental responsibilities.”
“Oh, for sure! Wait… Now I get to show you the way?! Oh my gosh, oh my gosh!” Ai shook her hands with far more excitement than before. “It’s finally happening! That’s sooooo cool!”
“Y-Yeah… I was kind of hoping that you could walk me through what to expect, haha.” At least she didn’t have to spell it out herself. Shizuka was once again glad that Ai was very smart. “The nausea and strange sensations are a bit scary, not gonna lie.”
“Well, yeah? Your body is now re-routing effort and resources into creating a whole new system. Sensei told me that this process is so complex that it’d be weird if our bodies remained at 100% capacity…” Ai sighed and stared at the air, almost caressing her words. Like she missed someone dearly. Shizuka didn’t interrupt. “Though it’s worth mentioning that my pregnancy wasn’t very usual, since I was so young and petite.”
“You are small.” Shizuka agreed.
“I was so petite…”
Right, whatever. Keep telling yourself that. In the end, your children will probably outgrow you. Shizuka could wait until then to have this conversation.
“And… Well, now I’m worried how Hikigaya will take this.” It was no secret that the guy was not a fan of Shizuka’s relationship. He got better, marginally, but Shizuka still couldn’t help worrying about how he’d take it.
Perhaps it was wrong to prioritize someone that wasn’t even related to her when it was a time to celebrate, get her things in order to prepare for the upcoming months. But Hikigaya… She had seen him grow, had been there for some rather dark times in his life. And he had been there for her whenever she needed a listening ear, a shoulder to cry, or a designated driver when everything went wrong.
“I see. I understand! Shall I break it down for him in your stead?”
“No, no! No need! But… Ya know, it’s not so simple.” Even Shizuka had a hard time describing her worries here. She didn’t even know how she wanted to tackle this particular issue. So talking it out was probably the best thing she could do here. It wouldn’t be right for Ai to take part in something that was wholly Shizuka’s life.
“It really isn’t.” Ai nodded and went back to sit down. “I remember spinning it around in my mind. How I was going to tell Ichigo-san, that is. And ended up just… Dropping it on him out of the blue.”
“I see…” Shizuka sat properly, changing mental gears to absorb Ai’s story as well as she could. “How did he take it?”
Even though Ai’s journey was… Not very common, Shizuka’s instincts told her to listen. She always learned new things from her students and this would definitely be no exception.
“He speedran the… What? Nine stages of grief?”
“There’s no way there’s that many.” Shizuka couldn’t help the dry response.
Ai smirked.
“Right, right. Ummm… Well, to spare you the details it was a very awkward day. But things ended up fine since I was like… ‘Are you gonna take me to the doctor or not?’ and he had no choice but to help.” Ai chuckled to herself but scratched her head with awkwardness. “I didn’t know it back then, but I suppose that that’s what parents do. Even though I admitted to going behind his back and lying over a bunch of stuff, he still prioritized my health.”
“You weren’t that famous back then, right?” Shizuka’s question was met with a nod. “I see… Yes. He wasn’t too far off the mark in that regard.”
“Granted, I already had a belly when I went to the doctor. But details.” Ai rolled her eyes like it was a joke, but Shizuka knew better. The idol didn’t want to go into the details of these events and, for all Shizuka knew, they might not have been close to one another. She couldn’t be sure how Saitou reacted, or how fast he was to act. But, in the end, Ai didn’t seem to hold him accountable over anything. So Shizuka let it slide. “I think the most critical part in this story, is that I was fully prepared to go through with it at any cost. I knew, without a doubt, that I wanted this. I wanted them. I gave up so many things so fast that it’s probably hilariously stupid that I ever wondered if my kids meant enough to me.”
Shizuka nodded. Once again she felt like Ai was just edging on something more, a far deeper part of what happened that she wasn’t talking about. With the difference that Shizuka knew more details about this part of the idol’s life. She had been told, had seen the pictures that Ai kept when she was being monitored by her doctor, and Ai had confessed to certain fears and doubts when she had felt comfortable during her one on one lectures.
Ai had been strong, steadfast. Willfully ignorant and needlessly careless. But her determination was indeed something that Shizuka recognized.
“This ‘story’, huh?” Shizuka smiled to herself. “Haven’t given up on that movie of yours?”
“It’d be unfair for my girls, but I’d like people to know.” Ai puffed her chest a little. “In the end, I’d love for people to know how high our highs were, and to understand how low our lows really had us eating… Well, you know how it is.”
“I’m with Taishi on this one. I don’t think people will really understand how much you, and the girls of B-Komachi for that matter, really struggled.” Shizuka smiled politely at the idol. “But you can certainly try.”
“Yes, yes… I know. Maybe it’s willful thinking. But hey, my pregnancy and wishes to make a family of my own were willful thinking too.” Ai chuckled and stretched her arms. She looked very refreshed and Hikigaya was still very much asleep. Fun. Get out of her brain! “I wanted it so badly that I’d have gone through with my pregnancy at all cost. Even without Ichigo-san’s help… Which might just have gone horribly wrong but…”
“I… Can see that…” Shizuka scratched her cheek awkwardly. Ai’s decision-making skills were… Yeah.
“But that’s the point. That’s why I bring it up.” Ai didn’t rush to correct or move on. Instead, she motioned with her hands as if presenting Shizuka with a physical answer. “I was sure of what I wanted and accepted what would happen if things didn’t go my way. That Ichigo-san accepted my choice and had my back is more of a happy coincidence… Or perhaps proof that our bond was beyond that of a boss and employee. I think that I should’ve known that we were far closer than I realized, and that realization might help you too.”
Shizuka nodded, digesting Ai’s words and getting the picture now. The idea behind that ‘story’, as it were.
“Trust the bonds that you have.” Shizuka sighed. “Let them know where you’re going and how much you want it.”
Ai smiled with more warmth now.
“In the end, it’s proof of their character. I think. It probably will shine a new light on your relationships, all of them. But it’s not about them.” Ai took the final sip of her coffee and realized that she had finished it before. “It’s, uh, it’s about you. What you want. Unapologetically go for the thing that will make you happy. Everything else will either fall in place or drop out.”
Ai sighed.
“Priorities.”
“Priorities.” Ai parroted Shizuka. “We can’t have everything… Well, most people can’t have everything. I’m a firm believer of living without regrets.”
Right… This self-assured side of hers looked more and more like a certain troublesome woman that Shizuka couldn’t completely dismiss. But the matter of Yukinoshita Haruno’s strange journey was… A topic for another time.
“I see… So you’re telling me that I can’t avoid the awkward moment but that I should take solace in it being a part of the journey.”
“I don’t doubt that Hachiman means a lot to you. You mean a lot to him after all.” Ai spoke with more care now. Mindful of not tripping over her words. “I think that you were there for him like Ichigo-san was there for me, when I needed someone the most. It’s not something that most people would understand, but that doesn’t mean that the bond is wrong. It makes things difficult, maybe. But it’s not wrong. And the idea that ‘you don’t owe him/her’ anything undersells the impact that you, or he, has had in our lives.”
Shizuka tried to unpack those words, apply them into something that she could understand.
Perhaps she had grown too used to how things were, to being there and letting these children define things and themselves however they pleased.
This moment did shine a new perspective on things. And perhaps that was part of the problem.
“I see.”
“Also, don’t worry for your husband-to-be’s life.” Ai grinned at the teacher. “I will make sure that he’s too busy to worry about him.”
Shizuka laughed awkwardly.
“Yeah, I bet.” The teacher moved her fingers nervously. “That’s another way you are more experienced than me, after all.”
Ai looked kind of surprised.
“What do you mean?”
“Let’s… Not talk about that.” Really, there was a limit to how open these conversations could be. Shizuka had a pride to maintain, after all.
“Well, okay. If you’re sure…” Ai sounded disappointed. “On the matter of your body, Ichigo-san might still have the stuff Amamiya-sensei gave me so that the twins grew healthy in my belly. Maybe you don’t need to exercises, but eating and taking some supplements will definitely help.”
“That’s…” Shizuka sighed. “Very helpful, yes. Thanks, Hoshino-san.”
“Don’t mention it!” Ai waved Shizuka off. “We’ll be family eventually, so I’m just getting myself some cookie points!”
Shizuka chuckled awkwardly.
“I… See? Now, I know that you made the comparison. But let me be clear: I’m not Hikigaya’s mom.”
Ai smiled like she felt some sort of pity, though Shizuka didn’t know to whom it was directed.
“I’m sure that you don’t talk about it; some stuff are better off left unspoken. But Sensei, please do not underestimate how important a guiding hand is during your darkest time.” Ai placed a hand over her heart, bracing herself to speak but deciding against it at the last moment. “I… Even when I faced my biological mother, I still harbored ill-intent toward her. Partly because… You know.”
“Yes.” The less said about that the better.
“But in part because I couldn’t… Can’t…” Ai corrected herself with a scolding tone. “Help comparing her to Miyako-san. Thinking things like ‘if this gamer girl can, then why can’t you?’. Stuff like that.”
“Resentment.” Shizuka caressed the word with her lips. “I… I don’t like that idea.”
“Hachiman’s life is way too different to mine to compare, of course.” Ai smiled apologetically. “I’m just saying that, when push comes to shove, don’t be surprised if he acts like a brat about your child and marriage. These things take time to accept.”
Shizuka stared at Ai for a bit longer, scanning the girl’s face for traces of amusement or irony.
She couldn’t find anything of that sort.
“I see.”
“Take pride on how you’ve changed people’s lives, Sensei.” Ai’s smile became even warmer. “The wisdom that you granted him ended up saving me. And now I will continue that legacy as well. You will succeed in this.”
Shizuka couldn’t help scoffing at that notion. The very idea was hilarious coming from someone who had struggled as much as I had.
“You saved yourself, Ai.” The teacher could not accept it any other way. “You just needed a little push.”
“And you will do great by yourself.” Ai retorted with a huff. “But a bit of guiding never hurts.”
“No.” Aye, Shizuka could get behind that idea. “It never does.”
Hikigaya still made a huge scene when the news reached him, but that’s a story for another time.