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It had been a joke. A simple, stupid joke. When he first made it, Ron had only intended to embarrass his best friend and have a laugh about it, and then afterwards everyone would forget about it and move on. That was all. 

Instead however, it all went wrong - because Ron had forgotten one key thing: Never underestimate a witch in love. 

It all started exactly seven days ago on a Monday. Only a few weeks before this, Harry had beaten the Voldemort at the Ministry of Magic, forcing the Dark Lord to run away. The 17 year old Boy-Who-Lived beating Voldemort had all been caught on camera and as a result everyone loved Harry again. 

Weeks after that though everyone was back at Hogwarts. Harry was having a private meeting in Dumbledore's office, so Ron decided to play a small prank on his friend. It would be a bit embarrassing for him, but at the same time it would be something to have a laugh over. 

Hermione was also in the library, so wouldn't be able to instantly spoil the joke. 

It began when Lavender wondered if Harry was secretly dating Hermione. Upon hearing that, Ron opened his mouth. 

"Actually Harry has a harem." he casually said, acting as if it wasn't anything important. 

Lavender and Parvati gasped and leaned closer, clearly wanting more details. 

"What do you mean he has a harem?" Lavender demanded. 

Ron shrugged "He has a harem. I'm not surprised you don't know though, as there's a special requirement for joining it." 

"What is it?" Parvati asked eagerly. 

"You have to know Parseltongue." Ron answered with a calm face, somehow hiding his amusement. 

Lavender and Parvati looked at one another, then back at Ron. 

"You mean to say that if we learned Parseltongue, then we could join his harem?" Lavender asked. 

Ron nodded, starting to smile "Yeah, although the problem is you can't learn Parseltongue. So good luck with that." 

As Lavender and Parvati moved back a little to talk among themselves, Ron got up and pretended to leave. In actuality he'd borrowed Harry's invisibility cloak, so returned to listen in. 

"Can't learn Parseltongue, huh? We'll show him and get our places in Harry's harem!" Lavender declared, grinning like a madwoman. 

Parvati nodded, looking just as excited as her best friend "We should ask around, see if anyone else has any information to help us learn it." 

As Lavender and Parvati went about their day, and as they told the story repeatedly to various girls from all four houses, Ron couldn't help but laugh. 

He just knew this was going to be the greatest joke ever. 

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Ginny Weasley was not having a good day. 

Things had been looking up for her recently, and she'd started getting closer to Harry. She just knew that with enough patience and hard work she'd get him to notice her and they could finally be together. 

Then however she'd found out he had a harem AND SHE HADN'T BEEN INVITED. 

Now, Ginny didn't blame Harry. When Parvati had told her the requirement she understood why - she didn't know Parseltongue after all. 

That wouldn't stop her though. Stubborn to a fault and utterly determined - that was a core part of every Weasley and Ginny was no exception. So if she wanted to achieve her dream, then clearly the answer was to learn Parseltongue and despite how impossible it was she would succeed no matter what. 

It helped that Ginny actually had an idea on how to learn the language of snakes, in a way that was actually unique to her. 

Back in her first year Ginny had been possessed by the diary of Tom Marvolo Riddle. She'd written into the book, poured her heart into her writing and ended up being controlled by Voldemort himself. It was honestly the worst year of her life, with the nightmare only ended when Harry heroically rescued her (and forever cemented his place as her one true love). 

Now whilst Ginny didn't like to think about that year and all the struggles with it, there was one thing that could help: Voldemort was a Parselmouth, and therefore the diary was as well. In fact Tom had spoken Parseltongue whilst possessing her. 

It was a link, but not a particularly strong one. After all, that had been years ago and the diary had long since been destroyed. 

Something else that had happened since then was Hermione Granger using a time-turner to do extra classes. Now, she didn't have it anymore but it had still been shocking when Ginny had found out. It was also the source of her great idea on how to learn Parseltongue. 

Ginny had devised a potion that would temporarily put her in a special trance. Part of this potion was made up of the 'time dust' from an actual time-turner, accidentally retrieved by Ginny during the battle at the Department of Mysteries. (At one point Ginny had simply fallen near the time-turner's as they were destroyed and some of the dust ended up in her pocket.) 

Also, Ginny didn't know what the 'time dust' was actually called and didn't really care - all that mattered was that it suited her plans. 

If the potion worked as intended, Ginny would end up in a dream-like trance whereupon she would be able to see and interact with her memories. Another property of the potion meant she could potentially gain permanent effects from interacting with her memories, with the obvious aim being Parseltongue. 

It was quite risky and probably would be illegal if this potion was known to the Ministry, but Ginny didn't care. 

She'd do anything for love. 

So Ginny drunk the potion, feeling her body relax and her eyes close as her connection to the world around her seemed to dim. As this happened she started thinking about the Chamber of Secrets, focusing specifically on the memories of that time. 

Opening her eyes, Ginny found herself in the chamber. The entire place looked a bit drained of colour with everything being a bit paler, and in some places even somewhat see-through. Ginny herself looked like she was half-way towards becoming a ghost. 

Both Ginny's, that was - because there was two Ginny Weasley's in the room. However only one of them was controlled by herself. 

The younger Ginny walked forward unnaturally, diary in her hand. She headed towards the statue of Salazar Slytherin that housed the entrance to the Basilisk's lair. 

Older Ginny watched with discomfort, vaguely recalling the feeling of being possessed by the teenage Voldemort. Despite this however, she paid close attention as her younger self stopped and started opening her mouth. 

Concentrating on this with both her mind and magic, older Ginny opened hers as well. 

"Speak to me Slytherin, greatest of the Hogwarts four!" Both Ginny's hissed simultaneously. 

Older Ginny sighed in relief as she spoke Parseltongue in that instance. She could feel her magic learning to properly use Parseltongue. All Ginny had to do was keep concentrating as her younger self spoke and it would become part of her permanently. 

Salazar's mouth opened, and the Basilisk slithered out. Despite it being a memory, Older Ginny refrained from looking at the creature's eyes just in case. However she remembered everything here and so repeated every word of Parseltongue spoken by both Voldemort and the Basilisk - and with each sentence her power got stronger. 

"Begin!" Ginny hissed, as the Basilisk slithered off. If Ginny recalled correctly then that night was when Colin Creevey got petrified. 

Before the Basilisk could fully leave the room though, everything froze. The memory had come to an end. 

In the real world, Ginny opened her eyes once again and took a deep breath. Getting up, she had a quick drink of water. After that, she took a deep breath and hissed. 

"Please work" Ginny hissed, before crying in relief as she'd just spoken Parseltongue. 

She'd succeeded, and her path to be with her beloved Harry Potter was all but assured - and for that Ginny was happier than she'd ever been. 

---------------------------------------

Hermione Granger was in the library, which for Hermione was very normal. The amount of days in the year that she'd not gone to the library could be counted on one hand, with three fingers left over (and one of those was literally the day the school year started!). 

Hermione loved reading, and loved to learn. The fascinating world of books contained so much for her to explore, and among her favourite books to explore was 'Hogwarts: A History'. 

Today though she was reading for a particular reason, as she needed to find a way to learn Parseltongue. 

Earlier that day Hermione had heard about Harry's 'Parsel-Harem' (as Lavender had referred to it as when she'd spoken to Tracey Davis). The minute she heard of it, Hermione knew that it didn't exist. 

After all she was literally one of Harry's best friends and would already know if it was a thing. She also knew her other best friend quite well, so quickly understood that this was a joke by Ron. 

Now Hermione could've done the right thing and cleared things up, but she didn't. In fact, she had other ideas - specifically to actually learn the language of snakes herself. 

Firstly, she knew Parseltongue was impossible to learn ... but she wanted to show off her talent by achieving the impossible anyway; and secondly, Hermione did actually have feelings for Harry. 

She'd never made him aware of them since Harry was both pre-occupied with Voldemort and the deadly dangers he was subjected to every year, but also because she was aware he didn't actually return her feelings like that. Sure, Harry thought she was attractive - she'd noticed him and Ron both checking her out at the Yule Ball - but he'd also been checking out other girls then as well. He appreciated her beauty, but didn't actually view her romantically. 

Whilst she knew this all to be true, and knew learning Parseltongue wouldn't change that, a small part of her really wanted that to be true in spite of that. Deep down she just wanted his love, and was willing to work for it even if it ended in failure. 

So Hermione once again found herself reading 'Hogwarts: A History'. Every time she read this book she found out new things, as this magical book had secret hidden chapters in it. It was how Hermione had found out about time turners in the first place, and therefore how she got access to one. 

Since she wasn't in a rush, she sat down and read through the entire book again - only stopping at 'Chapter 69.420 SNAK-SNAK', a secret chapter hidden in the hidden pages beneath chapter 11. Obviously none of that made sense, but for Hermione it was absolutely fascinating. 

'Chapter 69.420 SNAK-SNAK' was an entire chapter dedicated to Parseltongue. It was in part written by Salazar Slytherin himself, with some later information added by another unknown author. It detailed the origins and history of Parseltongue, the magic involved in it and at the end had a section dedicated to learning to speak it. 

Naturally, Hermione re-read the chapter again and again until she had it all memorised. 

Then she put the teachings of the book into action, and somehow spoke snake. 

Now, could Hermione properly explain how she was now able to learn Parseltongue after reading a book? No. Did she care? Also no. 

All that mattered was that she'd learned the language despite how impossible it was, and had figured out a writing system for it as well. 

She couldn't wait to read books in Parseltongue! 

-------------------------------------------------

At her flat, Nymphadora Tonks was also studying some books. Unlike with Hermione Granger though, this was less common. 

She wasn't alone in the room though, as there was also a snake - a Barred Grass Snake to be exact. She'd found it slithering through a local park, and kidnapped it for her nefarious deeds. 

Said nefarious deeds were as her test subject. 

Now, Tonks' wasn't going to harm the snake in any way, but without a snake she'd have a much harder time learning Parseltongue. 

She'd overheard whispers of it at Hogwarts, about the odd requirement for Harry's harem, and decided to just go for it. Of course, Harry wasn't yet 18 so she wasn't going for it right away, but she figured it was best to reserve her place by learning it now and then begin dating Harry after he became an adult. 

Problem was though that she had no real knowledge on the language. She wasn't that well informed on it besides the basics that everyone knew. She didn't even know what it properly sounded like! 

That was where the snake came in. If she succeeded, then naturally the snake would understand her and she'd understand them. 

Of course, she hadn't succeeded yet - and what was her plan to learn that language? To use her Metamorph powers, of course! 

Being a Metamorphmagus was one of the greatest gifts she'd ever gotten, and the greatest tool in her arsenal. Sure it had come with a few downsides over the years - like her clumsiness, and some inappropriate requests from boys in her school days - but by and large it was a massive benefit to her. 

The core of it was simple: She could change her appearance however she wanted. She could change her hair, her arms, her legs, her body and her face with no issue whatsoever. She could change colours, the shapes of different body parts (or her entire body as a whole), and even fully turn her body into that of a man. 

That last one wasn't something she preferred to do, but it could be useful for sneaking up on suspects. 

She could also do more unusual things - like give herself an elephant's trunk, or feathers from a duck. 

The thing was though, this wasn't just something she could do with no issue. Tonks' had to at least understand what she was changing to be most effective with it. 

Now sure, some changes required no effort and no research. If she wanted green hair, she could have green hair with no problem at all. Some parts though required her to at least do a little research so she didn't mess it up. 

Things like bone structure, muscles, male genitalia and certain genetic traits were much easier to do if she knew what she was trying to change in the first place. For animal parts though, it was a bit tougher. 

For example: the elephant trunk. The way it attached to the face of an elephant made sense and worked with their biology, fitting it's function perfectly. It helped get food into the mouth, and could also be used for other things like cleaning the elephant. On a Human though, the position of the trunk wasn't so easy since the face was smaller. As a result Tonks' would have to first research it extensively, and then use trial and error to get it perfectly on her face so it wasn't completely covering her mouth (so she could still speak) and wasn't stopping her from breathing. 

This time was no different. Well, it was mostly no different. 

There wasn't a trunk-tongue after all. 

Using the snake biology books, Tonks' was carefully noting what parts of the body was responsible for their speech, and then compared it to the human body. She needed to incorporate the necessary part to allow her to speak snake without messing everything up. 

It was trial and error and would take many hours, but for Harry it was worth it. 

Suddenly she heard a hissing from the makeshift enclosure as the snake woke up and looked right at her. 

"Hey, you. You're finally awake. You were trying to cross the border, right?" Tonks' said, before continuing "From one end of the park to the other." 

The snake hissed, and unfortunately it sounded like hissing. 

"Sorry about this, but I really need your help. I'm trying to learn Parseltongue to date a guy, and I just need you here to let me know when I succeed." 

The snake stopped hissing and just stared at her. It might have been Tonks' imagination, but she had a feeling the snake was confused. 

Over the next few hours it simply watched her various attempts to mimic Parseltongue. Eventually though, there was a breakthrough. 

"Do you like jazz?" Tonks' hissed at the snake. She'd been asking it random questions in the hopes of an answer, but hadn't had any luck. 

"Hiis's hiss?" The snake responded, causing Tonks' to stop. 

She hadn't understood exactly what the snake was saying, but she now understood that it had asked a question consisting of two words. 

With that she had renewed enthusiasm, and not long after - and with just a few alterations - she got even closer. 

"Can you understand me now?" she asked, filled with hope. 

The snake tilted it's head "Hiss, his his hhiss his's hhhiisssss hs. Hii'ss hhiss hhiiss." 

Whilst she didn't understand exactly what the snake was saying, she got the general meaning that the snake understood her, but she was just a bit off from understanding them. 

Finally, after another half an hour she tried again. 

"How about now?" Tonks' hissed, feeling the hiss come naturally to her and also could feel her magic reacting to it. 

"Wow, you actually succeeded." The snake said with a feminine voice. 

Tonks' stopped, a smile quickly growing on my face. "You mean...?" 

The snake nodded "Yeah, you speak snake now. Congratulations I guess." 

With that, Nymphadora Tonks got up and cheered, before dancing around in joy. 

As the snake watched, she couldn't help but wonder out loud "Do I get paid for this?" 

----------------------------------------

To most people Luna Lovegood was odd. In return, she thought they were odd. 

They got upset at her for wearing a large lion hat, having radishes in her ears and for speaking about 'imaginary creatures'. 

Luna in turn thought they were all odd for dressing the exact same with no variety, and having no sense of imagination and wonder. In a world of magic that was filled with impossibilities that happened regardless, they all pretended it was all still impossible. 

It didn't matter though. Luna was happy for them to live their lives as they pleased. 

She just wished they hadn't resorted to stealing her shoes. 

It had been a problem for a few years, as the students decided that bullying her was the natural solution to dealing with her. For the House of the Smart though, they were very stupid in how they did it. 

After all, the minute Harry Potter found out about the bullying he put a stop to it. He quickly gathered evidence, took it all to Professor Flitwick and got the help of the rest of Gryffindor as well as the Hufflepuff's to publicly shame her housemates. 

The fact he'd done all that for her had been heart-warming to Luna. It was also what caused her to fall for him. 

Harry cared. He was a good friend who stood up for what was right and stood in support of those he cared for. Sure, he wasn't some bastion of perfection or anything - but he was amazing regardless. 

He was truly wonderful, but was also out of her reach. 

Luna knew enough to know that someone like her could never be with someone like him. She was destined to be his friend, nothing more. 

Then Luna heard from Ginny that Harry was forming a harem of Parseltongue users, and that changed everything. 

"So he's actually forming a harem? I didn't expect that of him, but I'm glad he'll get lots of love." Luna spoke softly. 

Ginny nodded "Yeah, and I'm going to be part of it." 

"How?" Luna asked. 

Ginny grinned at her "I learned it recently. Made a potion to help me take it from the time I got possessed by the diary." 

Luna clapped happily and hugged her friend, glad that Ginny could be with the man they both loved. 

"What about you Luna, do you need help to get in?" Ginny asked. 

Luna blinked in shock "You .. you think I could be part of his harem?" 

Ginny looked at her, frowning, before hugging her more fiercely than ever. "I know you can, and I'll help you Luna. We'll be sister-wives!" 

Luna hugged her best friend back, crying slightly before noticing a Blibbering Humdinger approach her. Of course, nobody else could see or hear it except Luna, who listened as it told her a secret. 

Luna already knew Parseltongue. She'd been taught it alongside several other magical languages by the Blibbering Humdinger's right after her mother died. She'd just forgotten in her grief. 

Luna pulled back from Ginny, before hissing at her "I don't think you need to help me. The Blibbering Humdinger's just told me I already knew it." 

Ginny just stared with an open mouth before giggling. 

"Of course you do." Ginny told Luna affectionately. 

------------------------------------------------

It had taken a great deal of research, but Daphne Greengrass had learned of another Basilisk created by Salazar Slytherin - and unlike the one in the Chamber of Secrets, this one might still be alive. 

Now, she didn't no for certain if this was the case. This Basilisk hadn't been sighted in over a century, and not many people sought it out anyway as it was rumoured to have killed Salazar Slytherin. 

On her hunt for it, Daphne had travelled all the way to Norway, specifically to the mountains where the creature was rumoured to reside. 

Daphne knew that many noble ladies back home would be wondering why she was here, and what was so important for her to seek out the dangerous monster that had managed to kill one of the Founders? 

Simple: Harry Potter. 

For Daphne, it had been love at first sight. The moment she laid eyes on him she knew there could be nobody else for her. After all, he was both physically attractive and was actually a good guy. 

In Daphne's mind that second point was very important, as many of her male pureblood peers were not. Most of them ranged from rude and sexist to downright monstrous, and many of them wanted her. 

Thankfully though Daphne had long learned the ways to keep them away from her. She'd accidentally developed some extremely impressive occlumency barriers that allowed her to hide her emotions, and made her glare terrifying enough to shatter ice. She'd learned some impressive magic to keep them at bay, including some ice magic she could apply to their most vulnerable areas. 

She also had access to a lawyer thanks to her father, and so sometimes she had simply shown them the documents and they would back off under threat of being sued for harassment. 

Some idiots didn't learn however, which was why the Malfoy's and Nott's had lost a lot of money in the past few years. 

Honestly though she was surprised that Draco and Theodore were stupid enough to keep trying - especially when Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle had learned their lesson and kept their distance. 

Regardless though, the most effective deterrent for those pompous fools just so happened to align with her dream: To become Daphne Potter. 

Daphne wanted to smother Harry with love and affection, make him breakfast in bed and cuddle with him all day long. Of course she wanted a lot more than that, but that would be a good start. 

The problem was though that in scaring away the Slytherin boy's, she'd also effectively scared away the rest of them - including her beloved. 

They all saw her as the terrifying Ice Queen of Slytherin and kept out of her way. 

Now, Daphne was actually quite proud of that title, but it was still very annoying for getting close to Harry. 

Thankfully though a solution had arrived as it turned out that the man she loved liked the ladies a lot, enough to want a whole harem of them. 

Daphne was fine with that, as it made it much easier for her to get in and be with him. Not only that, but in the past harem's had been a bit more common. Not to the point of there being lot's of them, but there had at times been 5-6 going on at once. Daphne's noble upbringing made her fully aware of this, and made it easy for her to accept this as her future. 

She didn't mind sharing him with other wives, as long as she was his wife as well. 

The problem was that to join the harem one needed to be fluent in Parseltongue, and Daphne was not in fact a Parselmouth. 

This wouldn't stop the Ice Queen of Slytherin however. She would do anything to achieve her dreams, and had faith in herself to succeed. 

So after several days of hunting, she stumbled upon the Basilisk's lair. 

There was multiple signs of where animals had clearly been dragged into the cave, and there was even the ripped off wing of a long-dead Dragon. However, there was no sign of the Basilisk. 

As Daphne journeyed deeper into the cave, she used her wand to make a light for her to see. 

Soon enough Daphne found herself in a larger cavern. There was some water, a lot of bones and a very big Basilisk. 

Steeling herself and thinking of Harry, Daphne marched forward. 

The Basilisk noticed her presence and turned to face her, and the two of them looked into the other's eyes, initiating a silent staring contest. 

For most people, looking into the eyes of the Basilisk was certain death - but she was the Ice Queen of Slytherin. Her icy stare tormented hardened warriors and Dark Lords alike, instilling fear into her enemies and bringing monsters to ruin (or so people said). 

The end result though was the same. The Basilisk panicked as it realised she somehow wasn't dead, and quickly grew terrified of her glare. 

"I command you to give me the gift of Parseltongue." Daphne ordered. 

The Basilisk shuddered and blinked, silently losing the contest. It concentrated for a second, before a small ball of green magical energy appeared between it's eyes and flew into Daphne's hand. She instinctively ate it, and hissed in delight. 

With that the Basilisk slithered away in fright at the power of the real Queen of Serpents as Daphne left it's lair. She now had everything she needed to finally be with the one she loved. 

-----------------------------------------

As part of her plan to get into Harry's harem, Padma Patil decided to pay a visit to the Ministry of Magic. 

As a woman who preferred to look at things logically, she realised there was a simple solution to the problem of meeting the pre-requisite to become a Lady Potter: Get a license. 

It was simple really, after all it was the government's job to handle bureaucratic things like this. So Padma went to the licensing department of the Ministry to see what she'd need to do to get a Parseltongue License. 

"Good morning, how can I help you?" The receptionist asked as Padma approached. 

Padma smiled at the kindly older lady. "Hello, I understand this is the licensing department, right?" 

The receptionist nodded with a smile. 

"Good, that's good. I'd just like to inquire what the requirements are to get a Parseltongue License please." Padma asked. 

The receptionist nodded again "Right! Of course, let me just look that up for you. If you wait just a sec, I won't be a moment." 

With that the receptionist got up and went into a room in the back for employees only. 

Padma looked around as she waited. She didn't mind if this took a while, just as long as it eventually resulted in her getting what she wanted. 

Only two minutes later the lady returned with some papers. 

"Sorry for the long wait!" 

Padma shook her head "Oh it's no problem." 

"Well I have it here. For a Parseltongue License, you need to take the Parseltongue Exam. The exam is only a couple of hours long and teaches you everything you need to know. Once you complete the exam you get the license, and thereby get registered as a Ministry-approved Parselmouth." The lady calmly explained. 

"Oh that's good to hear, thank you." Padma said. 

"Would you like to be put down for the next exam?" The receptionist asked "It's in 20 minutes. The next one after that is not until September." 

Padma nodded, and with that she was booked for the exam. The receptionist told her to go to Room 67 where the exam would be held, and wished her luck. 

Once she got to the exam, Padma only had to wait a short time before the instructor arrived. The instructor in question was a Greek witch, and apparently was one of the few instructor's in Europe (which was why exams were so few, as she did exams in almost every European country). 

As with all things, Padma applied herself fully to the task and completed the entire exam in record time. Naturally she got maximum points, and now had to do the final test. 

A snake was summoned, and at the instructor's nod looked to Padma and started hissing. Padma was to repeat exactly what the snake said in both Parseltongue and then English to prove her understanding. 

"Never gonna give you up." The snake hissed. Padma repeated it twice. 

"Never gonna let you down." The snake continued, with Padma doing the same. 

"Never gonna run around and desert you." The snake then said. Padma ignored the thought of a snake somehow running and carried on. 

"Never gonna make you cry." The snake then sung, with Padma saying it in turn. 

"Never gonna say goodbye." The snake and Padma both said. 

"Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you." The snake finished, as did Padma. 

The instructor clapped and handed Padma her certificate. 

"Congratulations! You are now fully certified as a Ministry-approved Parselmouth!" 

Padma smiled proudly. 

Half an hour later she was back at Hogwarts, where she found her twin sister sitting on her bed with Sue Li and Mandy Brocklehurst. Mandy was holding a coin on a chain and swinging it back and fourth between Parvati's eyes. 

"You already know Parseltongue." Mandy said in an ominous voice. 

"I already know Parseltongue." Parvati repeated, completely hypnotised. 

Over to the side Padma watched, with Sue coming up next to her. 

Sue leaned close to Padma's ear "Before you ask, we gave her instructions just before to switch the 'You' to 'I'." 

Padma nodded in thanks for the explanation. 

"When you wake up, you will be able to speak Parseltongue." Mandy finished. 

"When I wake up, I will be able to speak Parseltongue." Parvati repeated once more. 

With that Mandy snapped her fingers, and Parvati suddenly blinked repeatedly and shook her head. 

"Hello sister" Padma hissed in Parseltongue. 

"Hey sis!" Parvati hissed back in the same language. 

Mandy gasped "Wait, that actually worked! I thought it wouldn't work at all!" 

Parvati hugged her, thanking her over and over. 

"So are either of you going to learn Parseltongue as well?" Padma asked Mandy and Sue. 

Mandy shook her head "Nah. I know it sounds insane, but I don't wanna be in Harry's harem. He's a nice guy, but I like my men ginger ... like Ron." 

As Mandy blushed and looked away from Parvati's teasing face, Padma turned to Sue who nodded back to her. 

"Yeah, I'm going to learn it - but not via hypnosis." Sue answered. 

"Then how?" Parvati asked. 

Sue gave a small smile "Let's just say my uncle works at Nintendo, and that you'll find out at my segment of this fanfic." 

With that Sue turned around and left the room, leaving the other girls to look at each other in confusion. 

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Fleur Delacour returned to her family home with purpose. 

As she entered the idyllic countryside estate she was immediately hugged by her baby sister, Gabrielle. 

After a brief chat and explanation, Fleur left Gabby to do some research. 

Deep in the library, the French Veela looked through her family history and genealogical records. 

As a Veela, Fleur's family tree was very different from that of a regular Human. On her father's side it was the same as a Human since he was one. On her mother's side however it was anything but. 

As a species, Veela had multiple odd biological and magical connections to some other species. Some of these were well known, like the brilliant Phoenix. Others though were not so well known, such as that of Dragons. It was an ancient, distant connection from thousands of years ago but the connection remained regardless. 

Dragons were the source of the violent nature found in all Veela, although it only showed up now when their Life-Mates were under threat. Veela were deeply protective of those they love. 

Fleur herself loved Harry Potter, and whilst she was hesitant to share she knew it would be worth it for him. 

So this led to Fleur brewing a special potion that was actually designed for House Elves. 

The potion in question had been created by some Estonian revolutionaries who sought to free the House Elves from slavery. It was a noble pursuit, but the major powers disagreed and crushed them. It had been centuries since then, but despite their best efforts some relics of those revolutionaries survived - such as this potion. 

It was designed to allow House Elves to regain ancestral abilities they'd lost centuries before, with the added benefit of allowing them to pick and choose to regain some or all of them. 

With some minor modifications, this potion could be turned into one for Veela instead. 

Once it was complete, Fleur drunk it and thought about Parseltongue and how much she wanted it. For a few seconds her tongue felt odd before returning to normal. 

"Serpensortia." Fleur cast, summoning a small snake. 

The snake looked at her in awe. 

Fleur smiled, before speaking in her long-lost ancestral tongue "Hello little one, can you understand me?" 

The snake nodded "Yes! Yes! Yes I can!" 

With that she thanked the snake and returned it to wherever it had come from. 

Afterwards Fleur thought for a second before making a copy of the original potion. She would give it to the Dobby the free Elf, who was a good friend of her soon-to-be husband. 

As Fleur successfully became a Parselmouth, Gabrielle was looking to do the same. 

After being told that her wonderous hero had a 'Parsel-Harem', Gabrielle immediately knew she had to be in it. 

She would do anything to be at his side - like use a computer! 

It was something she'd found in a bush, but despite that it worked perfectly. It was also something she didn't use often, because it wasn't actually that interesting. However, Gabrielle did know how to use it. 

So Gabby went online and searched up a website called 'WikiHow'. 

It was a useful site that technically wouldn't exist for another decade, but with a little thing like magic that didn't matter at all. It was also a muggle site that shouldn't have information on how to use magic, but that didn't matter at all either - after all, everything was on the internet! 

So Gabby typed in 'How to learn Parseltongue?' and after a bit of browsing found the guide she was looking for. 

Before she could read it though, she was interrupted by the arrival of a paperclip with eyes. 

"It looks like you're trying to learn to speak to snakes. Would you like some help with that?" Clippy asked. 

Gabrielle ignored Clippy and instead started reading the guide. 

The steps were very simple: 

1. Learn the language  
2. practise the language 

The two steps were further split into a step-by-step process, with lots of very informative information. 

Gabrielle followed the guide, and within a matter of weeks was able to fluently speak Parseltongue. It helped that she had a native speaker of it as her sister (Fleur had offered her the potion, but Gabby preferred to do things her own way). 

In the end, both sisters were ready to become Potter's. 

----------------------------------------

As Hannah Abbott arrived in New York City, she looked up. In the clouds above the city she could vaguely see the Greek palaces hidden away, flickering in and out of existence. 

Most people didn't know that the Greek Gods still existed, and until recently Hannah hadn't known either. The recent situation at Hogwarts meant that Hannah was learning a lot of new things, all in the name of becoming one of Harry Potter's many wives. 

Still, she knew this wouldn't be easy. She was about to launch an all-out attack on Mount Olympus itself and against the gods who inhabited it. 

She was aware of just how powerful they were, and how a whole camp of their Demi-God children lived not too far from the city either. Not close enough to immediately prevent her attack, but close enough to intervene before she could succeed. 

Hannah wasn't going to let any of this stop her, so she entered the lobby of the Empire State Building and calmly went into a nearby bathroom. 

The muggle building was the anchor for Olympus, hidden above the city but connected by a magical elevator. In order to use the elevator Hannah would need the key from the guard at the front desk, and in order to properly deal with him she needed the muggles to leave. 

So she started casting muggle-repellent magic that would encase the ground floor, alongside concealment charms to make them ignore her. As she did so Hannah wished she could just fly up there, but the Wind Gods protected Mount Olympus from any aerial assault. 

Also, doing so would alert Zeus to her presence which she very much didn't want. 

Soon enough Hannah had cast her magic, and after a couple minutes left the bathroom. The lobby was cleared out of muggles, but the room itself wasn't empty - there was two people in the room. 

One of them was the guard who now looked very alert, clearly realising something had just happened. He was expected. 

The other however was an unexpected and unwelcome surprise, for he was a Demi-God. 

The boy had black hair and green eyes, wearing an orange shirt that said 'CAMP HALF-BLOOD'. He had a pen in his hand, and stared right at Hannah. 

"You sent all the mortals away." The boy said, and Hannah nodded. 

"I need access to Olympus and they were in my way." She explained. 

The boy's eyes narrowed "Who are you?" 

Hannah smiled. "I'm Hannah Abbott, and I'm here to kill a god. What about you?" 

The boy's eyes widened, before narrowing again. "Percy Jackson, Son of Poseidon, and the guy whose going to stop you." 

Hannah groaned internally at this. The son of one of the most powerful gods was about to attack her, and could easily delay her enough for her plans to be ruined. 

"You will try." Hannah stated, before firing off a Bombardment spell at the ground in front of Percy. As he stepped back, Hannah followed up by transfiguring the shattered bits of brick into a pack of dogs - all of whom immediately went to attack the Son of Poseidon.  

Unfortunately, Percy responded by taking the lid off his pen - turning it into a magic sword. With a single swing of the sword he instantly killed most of the dogs, with a few of them surviving simply by over-shooting when jumping at him. 

Hannah sent a piercing curse towards him, but Percy waved his hand and some rainwater rushed in from outside, forming a shield of water to block her attacks. With his other hand he swung at the few remaining dogs, keeping them at bay. 

Hannah then froze his water, only for Percy to throw it towards her. Thankfully she was able to dodge it, but her opponent used the opportunity to quickly kill the remaining dogs before rushing towards her. 

Hannah tried to hit him with another spell but he dodged and hit at her hand to disarm her .... only for his hand to go through hers. 

Hannah, or more accurately the illusion of Hannah, grinned at him before disappearing. Percy turned around and saw the guard had been mind controlled, and the real Hannah was in the elevator. She cheekily waved at him as the doors closed, sending her up to Floor 600. 

Once the doors closed Hannah took a sigh of relief. At the same time though she knew she was now on a time limit, as the elevator would go back down to Percy Jackson once she got off. 

For many it would be odd, but to Hannah the Son of Poseidon was a much bigger threat than his father - or the other Greek Gods for that matter. 

Demi-God's were constantly training to fight, and were some of the greatest warriors on Earth. They were in many ways weaker than their parents, but in other ways much stronger. 

The Greek Gods themselves on the other hand had certain restrictions that Hannah could easily take advantage of, which would make dealing with them an absolute cake-walk. 

Soon enough she exited onto Mount Olympus itself and rushed forward. Naturally she was under concealment charms and various other forms of magic to help hide herself. If she didn't then she'd have to fight her way through every resident of Mount Olympus before reaching her target. 

In no time at all she'd reached the throne room - where all the Olympians awaited her. 

"You dare trespass here!" Zeus boomed. 

Hannah ignored his shouting, pointed her wand and cast the killing curse at him. Zeus made no effort to dodge, since the minute any attack connected he was thereby free to retaliate. 

To the shock of every other Olympian though it worked, as Zeus died, his body falling to the floor. 

The other gods all looked at Hannah in shock as Hannah raised his dead head and looked at the other gods in fury. "You know what I'm after. Give me what I want or I swear you'll meet the same fate as him." 

Athena choked "But that's impossible. The killing curse can't kill gods. It just can't." 

Hannah fired another at Ares, who also died. 

In no time at all the Greek Gods fearfully gave her what she wanted, and made a magically binding vow to not retaliate in any way for this. Hannah in turn made it clear that Zeus and Ares would eventually come back. 

It didn't matter to Hannah though, as Hannah was now a Parselmouth. 

--------------------------------------

For the first time in her life, Susan Bones was thankful that one of her distant cousins was a Weeaboo. She was specifically glad that they weren't just a Weeaboo, but also one that absolutely loved Dragon Ball. 

The few times they'd met he wouldn't stop going on and on about it, and Susan hadn't cared in the slightest. At the end of the day she was a Half-Blood witch who was basically raised as a Pureblood, and he was a muggle. They lived different lives and had completely different interests. 

Now, Susan still didn't really care about Dragon Ball except for the fact that the series was centred around seven mystical balls that when united allowed the user to get a single wish. The wish could be whatever they wanted, and it would always work. 

In Susan's eyes, it seemed like the perfect solution to her Parseltongue problem. 

Of course, Dragon Ball was fictional ... in this universe. However, Susan had no doubt that in some other universe Dragon Ball was real and she could obtain all of the Dragon Ball's with no issue whatsoever. 

So Susan used the Room of Requirement to create a way for her to travel to other universes - and return at will, obviously. With that she went to the Dragon Ball universe. 

When she arrived she found herself on a small island with a house in the middle. There were inhabitants who had clearly noticed her arrival. 

There was an old man, two blue haired women, a walking pig and a small flying creature. Naturally Susan didn't know any of them, but she vaguely recognised the old man from a picture her cousin had shown her. 

"Oh now, it looks like a lovely lady has come to visit .... a very lovely lady indeed" The old man said, focusing his gaze on a certain part of Susan's body. 

Susan ignored him as she raised her wand. 

"Accio Dragon Balls!" She shouted. 

The natives were shocked by her mention of the Dragon Balls, and the old man seemed to focus more intently on her. "You're after the Dragon Balls?" 

Susan looked at him and nodded "Yeah, I need them to get a boyfriend." 

One of the ladies nodded in understanding as the rest sighed in relief. 

"Well at least you're not trying to conquer the world or anything." The pig said. 

Suddenly though several orange balls came out of the sky, flying towards her. 

"She summoned them all!" 

As Susan quickly got all 7 Dragon Balls, she waited for a second, wondering what to do. 

She then looked at the nearby group. "What do I do now? Do I just need to summon the dragon?" 

Apparently just saying it was enough, as the sky darkened and the Dragon Balls all glowed brightly. Then a bright beam of energy appeared, transforming into the green form of the Eternal Dragon. 

"Who has summoned me?" The dragon demanded. 

Susan stepped forward "I have." 

"Tell me your wish." The dragon stated. 

Susan took a deep breath and spoke clearly "I wish to be naturally fluent in Parseltongue." 

The dragon's eyes glowed for a second as Susan felt a slight tingling in her mouth for a second before it faded away. 

"It is done." The dragon said, then disappeared. The seven Dragon Balls thus flew off to far away places. 

Susan nodded to herself. 

"Wait, I thought you wanted a boyfriend?" One of the women asked. 

"Oh I do. The only requirement to be with him is knowing how to speak to snakes." Susan explained "Regardless, I'll be off now. Sorry to have disturbed you, have a nice day." 

With that Susan mentally willed herself back home, with the Room of Requirement summoning her back to her home universe. 

--------------------------------

"You are now at my segment of the fic." Sue Li told all of you, the readers reading this fanfiction. "I hope you enjoy seeing me do the thing everyone else is doing for the reason you already know clearly by now." 

With that said Sue went to Japan, where her uncle worked. His name and life were unimportant and not worth explaining in a crack fic, so she decided not to. 

All that mattered was that he was a high up worker at Nintendo with connections to GAME FREAK (the Pokémon developers), which was important as her plan to get Parseltongue relied on Pokémon. 

You see, in the third generation games 'Pokémon Ruby, Sapphire and Emerald', there would be plans for a mythical Pokémon named Jirachi. Jirachi was to be the Wish-Maker, able to grant basically any wish. 

Sue knew that Jirachi was a bit more limited than the Dragon Balls, but she didn't want to just rehash Susan's segment, especially with their similar first names which would just make it seem even more similar. 

Now that she thought about it though, this was already going to be similar. 

Sue wished there was a way to unlock Parseltongue via arguing, then she could tie it in to the author's previous fanfiction that paired her with Harry. Oh well. 

Regardless, she met with her uncle to get the information - because despite the fact that the very first Pokémon games had literally just released in Japan only a few months back, Nintendo already knew the next 100 years of Pokémon in advance, just like with their other franchises like Mario, the Legend of Zelda and Blorbo (the world's first Fourth Person Shooter). 

This was 100% because Nintendo had a secret team of seers working for them behind the scenes, and definitely not because the author was too lazy to use more period accurate series to crossover with. 

At least, Sue assumed that was the correct reason. She knew it was one of the two regardless. 

In the end though Sue got the information she needed, and so went to the part of her segment where she'd entered the Pokémon universe, or one of them at the very least since technically speaking there was loads of alternate timelines and such. 

How she got there also didn't matter, hence why she skipped over that. Hannah and Susan had already crossed over with different franchises just fine, and Sally-Anne Perks was going to do the same later on anyway, so Sue saw no issue with skipping the boring part. 

Once in the one of many Pokémon universes, Sue went to a Poke Mart where some guy just randomly had a Jirachi for her. He also had various other Legendary and Mythical Pokémon, and some regular Pokémon that had won world championships. It was a bit odd that this random guy just had these, but Sue didn't really care since it benefited her anyway. 

In the end Sue summoned Jirachi right outside the Poke Mart. 

"Jirachi, I wish to also be fluent in Parseltongue." Sue wished. 

The tags on Jirachi's head lit up, and Sue now new Parseltongue. With a quick nod of thanks to the Wish-Maker, Sue broke the Poke ball setting the Mythical Pokémon free, before suddenly returning to her version of Hogwarts. 

Once back at Hogwarts Sue turned to the screen once more "Thanks for reading my segment. Now please enjoy Katie Bell's." 

------------------------------------

For Voldemort, the Battle of the Department of Mysteries had been a complete and utter embarrassment. His forces had been easily repelled by a bunch of teenagers with most of them captured, the general public as well as the Ministry knew he was back, and Harry Potter had beaten him easily. In fact he'd been beaten so badly that he'd been left with no choice but to run away. 

He honestly didn't know how much worse it could get from here, but he knew that he wouldn't accept defeat that easily. Already he was thinking of plans and counters, and had commanded his forces to openly launch a new wave of terror. 

That all changed when the wards shattered like paper and the doors to Malfoy Manor were blown apart. 

Death Eaters got ready for battle as Voldemort rose in anticipation of killing some Aurors ... only, instead of Aurors it was a single teenage girl. 

The brunette was dressed in Gryffindor colours, so was probably a Mudblood. 

"You dare trespass! You'll suffer for that, Mudblood scum!" Voldemort hissed. 

The girl looked at him with her expression brightening as a smile grew on her face. She raised her wand and all Voldemort knew was pain. 

What he didn't realise was that he was facing Katie Bell, a girl who had been crushing on Harry for years but never had the confidence to confess. She did however have the confidence to literally attack the Death Eaters. 

Within mere minutes of her arrival most of the Death Eaters had been defeated. Lucius Malfoy (who escaped the Ministry) was unconscious with a suspicious stain on his trousers. 

Bellatrix Lestrange had been about to join in the fight, but her sister Narcissa held her back. Instead the two watched a 19 year old girl defeat Voldemort with ease. 

"Avada Kedavra!" Voldemort screamed in rage, watching the killing curse hit Katie's smiling face and do absolutely nothing. 

"What? HOW?" He demanded angrily as he was suddenly disarmed and bound by rope. 

Katie slowly walked over to him, smile never leaving her face "I used the power of Love of course. Now if you'll excuse me, I need your Parseltongue ability to join Harry's harem." 

Voldemort looked at her in confusion. Over to the side, Bellatrix and Narcissa looked at one another at these words and slowly backed out of the room. 

"Accio Voldemort's Parseltongue ability." Katie cast, then watched as a green ball of energy shaped like a snake left Voldemort's body. Voldemort himself screamed in impotent fury, unable to do anything to stop this girl. 

The energy slithered into Katie, and she hissed to Nagini to test it. To Voldemort's horror, he could no longer understand Nagini. 

Lord Voldemort, Heir of Slytherin ... was no longer a Parselmouth. 

With that Katie turned and left. Bellatrix and Narcissa had already left as well, with divorce papers suddenly appearing on top of Lucius and Rodolphus (who were both too unconscious to read them). Nagini took one last look at Voldemort and slithered off to parts unknown. 

Voldemort was left screaming all to himself. 

Then Hedwig the owl flew by and pooped on his head before leaving. 

Voldemort screamed even more. 

-----------------------------------

Astoria Greengrass had two adult Dragons pinned down in sacrificial circles. 

Outside of those circles were several other Dragons keeping their distance from the crazy girl, as well as several Humans who'd been tied up whilst trying to stop her. 

"Stop ... don't do this ..." Charlie Weasley begged weakly, but Astoria simply stunned him unconscious and carried on. 

Astoria pointed her wand at the first Dragon and began chanting, the ritual circle glowing underneath it with a brilliant green shine. Then the Dragon suddenly woke up and screamed in agony as it disintegrated into a ball of green energy, which proceeded to fly into Astoria. 

"Good. Now I have Parseltongue." She hissed. 

The other Dragon awoke and weakly looked at her "Then why are you sacrificing me as well? You got what you want!" 

Astoria looked at the Dragon with a bit of pity "Unfortunately for you, I also need a cure to my Blood Curse. Sorry." 

The Dragon only had a second to think before pain overtook it, the second ritual activating with a glow of blood red energy. Once it was done the power flew into Astoria, knocking her down. 

Even in her downed state however, not a single Dragon even risked being anywhere near her. 

Over in the distance Alicia Spinnet and a Ukrainian Ironbelly watched silently. They'd watched the entire thing. 

"So just to be clear, that girl is a Slytherin. They're known for being cunning and ruthless with ambition to match. They also have a willingness to do fairly dark things that most non-Slytherin's wouldn't dream of doing." Alicia explained as the Dragon quietly turned to look at her. "I on the other hand am a Gryffindor. We're brave and courageous, and often quite noble and heroic. In most instances we strive to be above the things that Slytherin's would do." 

Alicia then fixed the Dragon with a glare "But I'll be clear right now - I want the same thing she's just gotten ... and I don't care what I have to do to get it, even if it means doing the exact same thing." 

The Ukrainian Ironbelly blinked, before speaking telepathically (somehow) "You ... want to be cured of your Blood Curse?" 

"No". Alicia shook her head "The other thing. I want to become a Parselmouth." 

"... And if I refuse to help you I'll end up like Dave over there?" 

Alicia nodded. 

For a second neither spoke, then the Dragon sighed. "Okay, I'll teach you Parseltongue." 

Alicia grinned happily. She hoped Angelina and Katie were having just as much luck as her in learning the Snake tongue. 

--------------------------------

Katie stood at the side as Angelina Johnson spoke to Oliver Wood. Her success at learning Parseltongue had inspired Angelina, although she decided on a very unconventional option to learn Parseltongue. 

"So what you're saying is that if you learn this Parselmouth thing then you and Harry will have Super Quidditch Babies together, allowing us to have the greatest Quidditch team ever?" Oliver asked seriously. 

Angelina nodded "Parseltongue, not Parselmouth ... but yes, you're right." 

Oliver nodded eagerly "Okay then, consider it done. I'll be back in a little bit." 

With that Oliver got on his broom and flew off. 

Katie waited until he was gone before approaching Angelina "Are you sure this is a good idea?" 

"Yeah. Sue Li once showed me proof that in another universe Oliver Wood managed to defeat Voldemort, Dumbledore, Grindelwald, Merlin and every Muggle army combined at the same time just so Harry could join his Quidditch team. He's so dedicated to that sport that he'll easily achieve the impossible for it." 

Katie blinked before nodding. "Okay, I'll pretend I understood that and just trust you on this. If this fails though then I'm sure we can find a way to either share my Parseltongue ability with you or steal it from one of Voldemort's ancestors or something." 

Angelina hugged Katie in thanks. 

---------------------------

Unbeknownst to Katie and Angelina someone had already thought of the idea of using a dead relative of Voldemort's ... they just would have never guessed which relative, because Romilda Vane had discovered that Lily Potter was in fact a very distant cousin of Voldemort, and it was from Lily herself that Harry got Parseltongue in the first place. 

Thus Romilda had a brilliant plan. She was going to resurrect Lily Potter, restoring her completely to life with no side effects and then forcibly get herself blood adopted by Lily. This would automatically make Romilda a Parselmouth and therefore allow her to join the 'Parsel-Harem'. 

Not only would it allow her to get what she wanted, but giving Harry his mother back would be a really great gift for him as well! It was an absolutely perfect idea! 

At no point in this did she consider the incest issue this would create, or the fact that she could simply steal Parseltongue from a dead relative of Voldemort's without resurrecting them - or even that she could just get blood adopted by Voldemort for the exact same effect. 

As a result of this Romilda was in the graveyard where Lily was buried. She carefully removed her from her grave, before respectfully sealing it back up and paying her respects to James Potter (and giving a silent apology for separating him from his wife). 

Romilda places Lily's remains in the middle of the ritual circle and began chanting, and kept this up for almost half an hour before the ritual was powered up and Lily's body started to glow. Bones mended themselves, organs and muscles reformed and skin regrew over it all as Lily began returning to life. 

The ritual then finished as Lily was fully restored. Romilda briefly appreciated the naked body of her soon-to-be-mother-in-law before waving her wand to make some clothes appear on her. 

The clothes in question were actually from the ruined Potter family home, and Romilda assumed they were Lily's. 

She then places a big glass of water and some food on a table near Lily before grabbing her potion equipment. She figured that Lily would be quite starved after being dead for over a decade so had a variety of simple foods. She also had some potions on standby in case she couldn't handle any food at all. 

She didn't know when Lily would wake up though so she had to be quick with the next part. 

Romilda used a Muggle syringe to extract some blood, before putting it in a blood adoption potion. It was a relatively unknown fact but you didn't actually need approval from someone to be blood adopted by them. You only needed that for LEGAL approval which Romilda didn't care about. She just wanted Parseltongue to marry Harry. 

Once again the simple leap of logic to realise that becoming Lily's daughter would also make Harry her brother flew right over Romilda's head. 

So Romilda drunk the potion, and felt her body change. Due to how old she was there wouldn't be any external changes. It would simply change her relation to Lily. 

Now people might wonder if Romilda cared about replacing her mother with Lily, but the thing was that Romilda's former biological mother was not in her life, and thus had no importance to Romilda at this moment. 

As Lily began to stir, Romilda hissed in satisfaction. She had Parseltongue now so could be with Harry, and had even restored his mother to life as a gift for him! She knew he'd love her so much! 

----------------------------

"So just to clarify, if we undergo this ritual then we'll be linked forever with you as my familiar. Thereby I'll become a Parselmouth and you'll be able to become a Human again?" Megan Jones asked her newfound friend and ally. 

Nagini the snake nodded. It had been an odd few days since she'd abandoned her former master after he got beaten by a teenage girl. In fact Nagini had no idea what she wanted to do until she stumbled across Megan Jones, who was after the same thing as the other girl. 

Thankfully though Megan was much less aggressive and much less scary than that girl and had instead started negotiating with Nagini. 

Megan had been very sympathetic to Nagini's tragic past, and didn't hold her actions serving Voldemort against her. Whilst she was adamant that she had to learn Parseltongue, she looked hard for a solution to help Nagini as well. The fact she cared enough to do so earned her a lot of points in Nagini's eyes. 

In the end the best solution was a modified familiar ritual. It would replace the broken one she'd had with Voldemort and give them both what they wanted ... somewhat. 

Nagini wouldn't be able to always be Human - that was unfortunately simply beyond what was possible. However she'd be able to become Human some of the time, and that at the very least was better than nothing. 

As Megan started creating the ritual circle Nagini had a feeling that there had been a lot of rituals lately, which was an odd thought since she hadn't seen any other rituals since Voldemort's resurrection. She moved past that thought and concentrated on what Megan was doing. 

Megan carefully traced the lines and carved the runic symbols before pouring small amounts of her own blood and Nagini's venom into several small holes placed at equal distances around the circle. Once done, Megan and Nagini took opposite sides of the circle and poured their collective magic into it. After a short amount of time there was a flash and both of them got knocked out. 

Later they would confirm that they'd succeeded. 

In another part of the country, another young woman was making a deal with a different snake for the same man. 

Penelope Clearwater considered herself a smart girl. She'd done well in her exams, managed to get a good job despite the anti-Muggleborn prejudice she faced and had been smart enough to leave Percy Weasley when he started transitioning into Cornelius Fudge's eager lapdog. 

Therefore she trusted her instincts to know that making a deal with the random Brazilian Boa Constrictor she'd run into to learn Parseltongue was a good idea. 

The snake in question had apparently escaped a zoo a few years back, and had managed to learn how to write in English with his tail. Therefore he was able to effectively communicate with Penelope his demands for teaching her one of his languages. 

His demand was simple: Once she'd learnt Parseltongue she was to get him to Brazil, which she was more than happy to do. 

He had also offered to teach her Portuguese on top of Parseltongue, but Penny wasn't really interested. As far as she was aware Harry didn't speak it so it wouldn't be useful. 

Harry himself was also quite a smart option in Penny's eyes. He was very handsome, wasn't an idiot and didn't get along with Percy. He would also open a lot of doors for her so to speak, but that was just an extra. For Penny the idea of joining Harry's harem had very few downsides, and those downsides were much smaller than the benefits. 

As a result she eagerly underwent her Parseltongue lessons, and along the way the Brazilian Boa Constrictor (who was named Bruno) had somehow also taught her Portuguese regardless. 

Penny really wasn't sure how Bruno had achieved that, but in the end Penny figured that she was just subconsciously smart enough to learn Portuguese without even trying ... or even knowing. 

After only a few weeks Penelope Clearwater was violating international and Brazilian law as she snuck Bruno into Brazil so he could once more live in his homeland. 

"Thanksss amigo, and tell your boy that he'll be very lucky to have you!" Bruno waved with his tail as he slithered off. 

Penny waved back "Oh I will Bruno, oh I will." 

-----------------------------

Flora and Hestia Carrow didn't bother with doing anything insane to join Harry's harem. They simply invented new magic to learn Parseltongue, which was no big deal really. 

They decided to individually work at this from different angles, so if one of them found a working method then the other could also use it. After all they intended to join the 'Parsel-Harem' together. 

For them the idea of not sharing the same husband was inconceivable, considering how co-dependent they were. 

Flora's method was to try to design a snake-based ritual to absorb the power of Parseltongue from some wild snakes. It would involve sacrificial magic and blood magic. On the other hand, Hestia's method was focused on potions. Like Flora's ritual the potion would be snake based, using their venom and some Veela blood to 'attract' Parseltongue to Hestia's magic. 

These different methods played to their respective strength's, formed from an isolated childhood with neglectful relatives and a massive library of dark magic they got to explore. Flora had gravitated to dark magic including many types of rituals, whilst Hestia was a Potions specialist. 

Between the two of them, they knew at least one of them would succeed. 

Knowing this, they decided to carry out their test runs at the same time - trusting that the other would be there for them if it went wrong. 

"Good luck sister." Hestia said, hugging Flora. 

Flora smiled back "You too sister. We'll both succeed and be with Harry." 

The twins blushed lightly at the mention of the Boy-Who-Lived. With their relatives being neglectful and horrible supporters of Voldemort, both girls had gravitated to the legend of Harry Potter. A hero who had defeated the master of their horrid family members and therefore caused the worst of them to be sent to Azkaban. They'd both harboured deeply buried hopes that Harry would save them, and he unknowingly did. 

Five members of their family had been defeated at the Department of Mysteries, and another actually died. 

In the end their hero had saved them, and had thereby confirmed to the twins that he was the one for them. So it was absolutely necessary for them to join the harem. 

Flora stepped into her ritual circle and used her ritual knife to kill each snake one by one. Hestia simply drank her potion. Miraculously neither of them had any issues. 

Flora left the depleted circle and took a deep breath. "I think I'm a Parselmouth now, Hestia." 

Both sisters' eyes widened as Flora spoke in Parseltongue, then Flora grinned as Hestia responded. "I think we both are, sis." 

Then they hugged and jumped in joy. 

-----------------------------

"So you're giving up every bit of information about You-Know-Who and selling them all out in exchange for getting to join Harry's harem?" Sirius asked with a raised eyebrow. 

Bellatrix Black nodded with a grin. "The Dark Lord got beaten by him as a baby, and annihilated by him as a teenager. Then another girl shows up and beats him up as well. At this point it's clear he's nothing but a failure, and I don't have any intention of following him to the death." 

Sirius shook his head in disbelief, before turning to Albus Dumbledore. Albus had been reading the book that Bellatrix and Narcissa had prepared for their defection, and closed it with a nod. "Thank you for this Bellatrix. I can't say you'll get off completely, after all you did many horrible things .... but this'll definitely help. Sirius, I leave the rest to you." 

With that Dumbledore left through the Floo. 

"You're going to bribe your way out of jail, aren't you." Sirius asked. 

"I'm going to bribe my way out of jail, but only after I become a Potter. That way I'll actually succeed." 

Over in the corner, Remus watched warily. He was here in large part to back Sirius up if Bellatrix fought against them, but even then there was a decent chance she could beat both of them at the same time. At this point though he couldn't help but ask something important. 

"Since when does Harry have a harem? We didn't see him that long ago and I'm confident he didn't have one then." 

Sirius shrugged, before turning to Bellatrix. 

"Heard it from some crazy girl that beat up the Dark Lord." 

"Okay then." Sirius said "So what exactly is your plan for learning Parseltongue, because as far as I'm aware you can't learn it." 

He didn't know that in this fic already well over a dozen girls had proven him wrong, with another six more to do so shortly after. It didn't matter what he knew though, as Bellatrix was crazy enough to prove him wrong in her own way. 

"The Dark Lord made our Dark Mark's using Parseltongue, so I'm just going to drain the Parselmagic out of it and absorb it myself." Bellatrix explained as if what she was saying was remotely possible. 

She then put her wand to her mark, and showed Sirius and Remus that what she was doing was impossibly possible in a way that made them deeply worried. Then she hissed in glee, before turning to the right as Narcissa Black entered the room with the Locket of Salazar Slytherin. 

"Wait ... is that what I think it is?" Remus asked. 

Narcissa nodded "If you think it's Slytherin's Locket, then yes it is what you think it is. It was also a horcrux until five minutes ago, when I tore it apart to become a Parselmouth." 

"So you both plan to marry my godson then?" Sirius asked flatly. 

Both women nodded eagerly. 

Remus weakly smiled at Sirius "Well at least it isn't all three Black sisters." 

Sirius glared at him in turn, and for good reason. 

That was because at that moment in another part of the country Andromeda Tonks was in court, suing Salazar Slytherin's Ghost. 

Andromeda glared at him "Slytherin has denied me my heritage. As a Black I should be a Parselmouth just like my sisters." 

As Salazar's Ghost sputtered in confusion, the Judge asked "Since when have your sisters been Parselmouth's?" 

"Since a few minutes ago, but as Parseltongue is legally considered an inherited ability then I should legally inherit it as well." 

Salazar tried to slam his hand down on the table, but it went right through. Shaking his head for a second, he pointed at Andromeda "This is preposterous. You can't seriously expect this case to be taken seriously, do you? Your arguments are foolish and full of flaws. Any Wizard or Witch with any degree of respect will see that I am in the right here." 

"Well any that support me will receive a free donation of a week-long holiday to Hawaii and 50,000 galleons each .... for being good, honest and incorruptible members of government." Andromeda responded with a smile. 

Salazar looked around with barely-suppressed rage as every single member of the court sided with Andromeda. 

The Judge nodded "Then it is decided. The court is in favour of Andromeda Tonks, and thus Salazar Slytherin's Parseltongue ability is hereby transferred to her." 

Andromeda ignored the Ghost's scream of rage, happy to have gotten what she wanted. She also felt a bit of vindictive glee, as Slytherin's descendant had killed her previous husband a few years before. 

She knew however that the same wouldn't happen to her next husband, who would also be her brother-in-law and son-in-law. That didn't bother her though, as she was a Pureblood raised in a family where cousins married each other. 

In short, the House of Black was weird. 

-------------------------------------

"Cho, are you really sure this is going to work?" Marietta asked quietly, eyes darting around as she followed her best friend to the seventh floor. 

Cho took a deep breath "It has to. I can't loose him." 

Harry and Cho had previously dated, but the relationship had failed due to the circumstances that led to it happening (as in the death of her previous boyfriend, Cedric Diggory). Now however Cho had realised what she'd lost, and was determined to win him back. 

If that meant joining a harem then so be it - it was just the requirement that proved to be somewhat difficult. 

Just as all hope seemed lost however, Cho had remembered something Harry had mentioned to her previously about facing Voldemort in his first year and about the special mirror at the centre of it. 

The Mirror of Erised was a magical mirror that showed not a person as they were, but what they truly desired. It had been destroyed during the confrontation, but as Cho had learned recently the Room of Requirement kept copies of everything - and that would probably include the Mirror of Erised. 

Marietta followed her in to the Room of Requirement out of concern. Unlike Cho she had no interest in joining Harry's harem. Instead she just wanted her face to be normal again. 

It thankfully didn't take much effort for the two girls to find the mirror, although at first they didn't realise it was the correct mirror. It was only when Marietta realised her reflection's face was fixed that they realised they'd found it. 

Marietta stepped back as Cho stepped forward. 

Closing her eyes, Cho reached deep within herself all the way to her magic and prayed mentally 'Please ... I want to learn Parseltongue to be with Harry again. Please, I need this more than anything.' 

After several minutes of nothing, Cho felt a tug on her magic as she opened her eyes. Her reflection hissed with a smile, and Cho cried as she understood. 

Marietta gaped as Cho spoke in Parseltongue, before stepping forward herself. Cho turned to her friend and explained what she did. 

Marietta would proceed to follow Cho's instructions, and after half an hour got her face back. 

----------------------------

Lavender Brown calmly walked through Hogwarts. As Queen of the Rumour Mill, she knew that quite a few lovely ladies had learned the mystical snake tongue to be with Harry - and this included her best friend Parvati. 

Lavender wasn't upset though, as she had her own plan to become a Parselmouth. A plan that was very unconventional. 

She entered an abandoned classroom and shut the door, before facing a wall and staring at it for a few minutes. She concentrated before suddenly reaching forward and- SMASHED her way through the TV screen. 

The author of the fic, Nepperoni289, screamed in shock at the girl literally climbing out of his TV. He fell out of his chair in the rush to get back, and then looked about to cry when Lavender's foot landed dangerously close to the WiiU. 

Lavender Brown finished breaking into reality and jumped down from the desk calmly before walking over to Nepperoni289. 

"Hi there! You must be the author of this fanfic, right?" She asked sweetly. 

Nepperoni nodded in fear, completely overcome with panic. 

Lavender grinned "Good." 

She then proceeded to punch the author in the face. 

"What was that for?" Nepperoni289 screamed in pain. 

"That was just to make it clear to you I'm real." Then Lavender punched the author again. "This one is your birthday beating, since it is your birthday today." 

The author stopped crying for a second and looked at her "Err ... thanks?" 

"No problem!" Then Lavender punched him a third time "This punch however is just a taste of what will happen to you if you don't give me what I want. I want to be with Harry, so I need to know Parseltongue. Therefore when I step back into the fanfic I better know it or else you'll be sorry." 

Nepperoni289 nodded fearfully as Lavender climbed onto the desk and crawled back into the TV. She arrived back in Hogwarts, and waited a few seconds before hissing. 

By amazing coincidence she had suddenly developed the ability to use Parseltongue. Wow. 

-------------------------------

Tracey Davis wanted to get this over and done with quickly. Her half-sister/best friend (don't ask) had gone to scare a Basilisk, and her other half-sister had sacrificed some Dragons. Both of them looking to get it on with Harry Potter. 

Tracey wanted the same thing, but she wasn't going to remote places or fighting dangerous magical creatures to do so. Instead she had a much simpler and more pleasurable plan. 

She simply walked up to Harry, cupped his cheeks with her hands and kissed him on the lips with tongue. 

Harry gasped in shock, but quickly started kissing back. Tracey then activated her special magic. 

See, Tracey had a very rare magical ability she liked to call 'Replicator Tongue'. She named it herself since there was no record of anyone else having it (hence it being 'very rare). The ability allowed her to copy and become fluent in any magical language simply by kissing the target. 

She only needed to kiss on the cheek (which was how she discovered it when she eventually learned Norwegian from some relatives), but with Harry she very intentionally went for a full snog. 

In no time at all she had copied his powers, and so broke off the kiss. 

"Thanks babe." Tracey hissed, grinning eagerly at Harry before turning around and walking away. 

Harry himself didn't even know she'd spoken Parseltongue to him, as he was nowhere near recovering from the amazing snog. 

-----------------------------

Sue Li popped in again from behind a wall "This is the part of the fic I referenced earlier about Sally-Anne Perks. Please enjoy." 

With that Sue disappeared. Thirty seconds later Sally-Anne Perks appeared, calmly walking along the street in search of her target. 

Now you may be wondering about what happened to Sally-Anne and why she disappeared, but the answer was simple: She travelled through time and space in a magic blue box with a madman called the Doctor. 

It had been a good time, and in the process Sally-Anne had learned the magic she'd missed .. but eventually she decided to leave and return to Earth. 

Fighting Daleks and Cybermen had been great, but she'd rather not end up dead like her fellow companion had. 

Now though she was looking for that blue box again, as she needed a special talent it had. 

She'd been told by a seer that in the nearby quarry the Doctor would appear. He'd run around the quarry with his newest companion fighting Sontaran's then leave in the TARDIS for the next quarry. 

Arriving at the quarry, Sally-Anne saw the Doctor arguing with an alien with the head of a Rhinoceros. That was good, as Judoon were not easy to argue with so she could do what she wanted without disturbing him. 

It didn't take long to reach the TARDIS, although Sally-Anne had to avoid a fight between the Sontaran's and Judoon. In the end though, she got to the TARDIS and snapped her fingers. 

The doors opened and with a grin Sally-Anne stepped inside. 

"Hello old friend" She said kindly as she looked around the console room "Oh you've redecorated ... I don't like it." 

Sally-Anne approached the console, placing her hand on it. "I know you can read my mind, so please do. I need your help with something small so I can be with the greatest Human on Earth." 

The TARDIS hummed, before Sally-Anne felt a stinging sensation in her skull. Clutching her head, she hissed in pain as the stinging slowly faded. 

When it was gone, Sally-Anne looked at the console with a smile. 

"Thank you." She hissed in Parseltongue, before turning and leaving the TARDIS for the final time. 

-------------------------

Pansy Parkinson was freaking out. 

When she'd heard about Harry's harem, she's dismissed it. Not because it was fake or anything, but because she didn't know Parseltongue so naturally couldn't join it. 

Except, it turned out you could learn Parseltongue. In fact, quite a few ladies had in fact learned it whilst Pansy hadn't even tried to! 

Still though, Pansy was smart. She was confident that if she was careful then she could fake it till she made it. So when Daphne approached her and started hissing, Pansy responded the only way she could. 

"Hiss." Pansy said, feeling like an idiot. Except .... Daphne nodded in response. 

"That's a great idea Pansy!" Daphne responded. 

Astoria and Tracey approached, asking what Pansy had said. 

"Pansy told me that we should all present ourselves to Harry at the same time to show how much we all love him." Daphne explained. Astoria and Tracey looked like they loved the idea. 

Pansy had no idea how Daphne thought she'd said that, but had no intention of telling her that. 

So the group of girls walked around gathering the rest of Harry's new harem. However it turned out that Harry was in a meeting with Dumbledore. 

"Err ... hiss?" Pansy hesitantly spoke, causing the other girls to look at her. 

"You're right. Harry might faint if we all approach him at once. Do you really think we should get Ron to break the news to him though?" Hermione asked. 

"Hiss." Pansy said with no effort at all. 

Naturally every girl in the group failed to see that Pansy was faking everything, so they all went off to tell Ron. 

----------------------------

It had been a joke. A simple, stupid joke. When he first made it, Ron had only intended to embarrass his best friend and have a laugh about it, and then afterwards everyone would forget about it and move on. That was all. 

Instead however, it all went wrong - because Ron had forgotten one key thing: Never underestimate a witch in love. 

With a deep breath, Ron approached his best friend. 

Since forcing Voldemort to flee at the Department of Mysteries, Harry had been busy. Between the Ministry and Dumbledore he had his hands full. It was made even worse when the Headmaster got a lot of information from a Death Eater who'd decided to betray Voldemort. 

Ron had no idea who it could've been, but was glad they'd done so. 

What he wasn't glad at was being approached by over a couple dozen witches including Ginny and Hermione about Harry's 'Parsel-Harem'. Apparently they'd all taken it seriously and achieved the impossible, and now Ron had to break the news to Harry. 

When Harry arrived and saw the look on Ron's face, he sighed. This only made Ron feel even worse. 

Over the next half an hour Ron explained everything, and throughout it all Harry sat there without reacting. Once he was finished, Ron waited for his best friend's response. 

"Y'know what? I think I'm gonna treat this as a reward for all I've done and ignore the fact I'll probably never have a moment of peace. Besides, I've somehow gotten my mum back and I'm not gonna question it." 

Ron winced, but looked at Harry - who was smiling viciously at him. 

"Just to be clear though Ron: You're going to be the godfather to every single one of my kids." 

Ron nodded, relieved that Harry wasn't upset at him. He realised though that this was a punishment in of itself, as with the amount of witches Harry was going to be with there would be A LOT of kids. 

Later on, as Harry was surrounded by his new harem Ron stood in the corner. Then he felt a tap on his shoulder, and turned around to see Mandy Brocklehurst smiling at him. 

"Err hi." Ron said awkwardly. 

"Hi Ron." Mandy replied sweetly. "What are the requirements for your harem?" 

Ron was dumbfounded. "I ... I don't have a harem." 

Mandy grinned. "Okay then, let me change the question: What are the requirements to be your girlfriend?" 

"There's none." Ron said with a growing smile. 

"Good." Mandy replied, before kissing him. 

Ron suddenly decided once again that this joke really had been the greatest joke ever. Just not for the reasons he expected.