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Slade stood with his arms crossed sternly over his chest as he watched his partner’s frolicsome display. Lex happily stretched himself across their new piece of furniture, a string of content sighs spilling from him as he relaxed into the freshly delivered couch. While yes Lex was rather small, even with his arms extended past his head upwards and his legs stretched as far as he could force them, there was still plenty of space for Slade to sit beside him if the grown man ever decided to stop pouting.
“I don’t like it.” Short—but not sweet—Slade was quick to let his earnest thoughts out, his foot tapping in annoyance as Lex dismissed him by plapping his hand against the dark surface, trying to entice Slade to give it a try.
“How do you know you don’t like it if you haven’t even tried it yet.” It’s not a real question so Lex doesn’t expect an answer as he wiggles into the couch more before looking up at Slade, his eyebrow cocked with piqued interest as the man practically glares at the inanimate object.
“I liked the old one.” Slade whips his head to the side to avoid Lex’s eyes, the childish act only earns him a lightly vexed groan.
“The old one was old. It was too worn out, wasn’t as comfortable, and had a spot that was somehow always wet that would never dry. We needed a new couch and this one is nice! You even liked it at the store, why the change of heart so suddenly?” Lex’s head dips to the side when he finishes, his hair falling briefly in front of his face before he blows it out with a short puff of his lips.
“I liked it but I didn’t think you’d get the L-shaped one!” Slade confesses, his right arm gesturing to the second half of the couch he’d been trying to ignore.
When they went couch shopping they had settled on the same model. A slightly longer couch that was similar in color to the one they had that could easily be worked into their living room’s layout. Slade had been under the impression that they would get a new couch, put it to the side perpendicular to the old one so that it would make a right angle with a small gap between the arms of both couches. He figured they could get a small side table to put on the outside of the corner so it would look more put together while still keeping the coffee table where it was.
He was happy with the little plan he’d crafted in his head. Too bad he didn’t say anything to Lex.
Instead of the regular model, Lex purchased, had delivered, and assembled in their home the larger L-Shaped sectional… Completely annihilating the outline Slade was expecting to come home to. Lex wanted to keep the living room open, he didn’t want one of the couches to be faced away from the foyer. He wanted one couch facing the TV and one to the left of it. To the right of the couch would be the entryway of the apartment. He wanted to keep the space open, less claustrophobic and more welcoming. So that means there was no place for the old couch…
“Why are you mad I got the sectional?! It’s bigger but still gives the room that spacious feel we wanted!”
“Yeah, but there’s no room for the old couch, Lex! I thought we were gonna keep that one too.” Slade looks towards the front door, the old couch pressed against the wall as out of the way as it could be as they wait for the pickup guys to come. “I feel bad throwing it away…” Slade admits, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand gently as he feels a twinge of shame in chest.
“Why would you feel bad? It served its purpose and it’s not like the couch feels anything.” Lex waves a hand towards the discarded piece, his callousness on full display as he shows not an ounce of sentimentality.
“Lex, that was our first couch!” Slade scolds. “You’re seriously not going to miss it?! We had such good times with it!”
“Slade, that couch doesn’t have any memories! The couch does not feel bad about us getting a new one! Why are you projecting human emotions onto a couch?!” Lex asks as he sits up on his elbows, his legs still stretched out on the new one.
“That’s the first couch I fucked you on! Doesn’t that mean anything to you?!” It’s a bold statement, one that borders on being borderline stupid…
“What….?” Lex heard him perfectly clear but he’s hoping Slade will come back with a better excuse rather than just doubling down.
“That’s where we first had sex! Doesn’t our first time mean anything to you!?” Overly dramatic. He’s clearly trying to pull on Lex’s heartstrings but that’s not going to work, not this time.
“THE FIRST TIME YOU FUCKED ME WAS IN MY OFFICE!”
“...Oh…” Slade pauses, his hand to his chin as he thinks, trying to remember if Lex is right and a small wave of embarrassment washes over him when he realizes that Lex is, in fact, correct.
“Yeah, oh” Lex mimics tauntingly, his voice dropping to emulate Slade’s before he shakes his head. “I can’t believe you thought that was our first time…I should be mad at you for that, you know.” Lex teases, his tone playful before he sees that Slade still looks downtrodden.
“Still…I-I still feel bad for it. It feels wrong to throw it out.” Slade says apologetically, like he’s pleading with the old couch to not be upset with him over this.
Lex’s shoulders drop as he rolls his eyes and he pinches the bridge of his nose while he thinks. He doesn’t want to get rid of this brand new couch he just paid good money for but seeing Slade like this isn’t an option either. There’s no room in any bedroom or office, and it certainly isn’t going in the kitchen…So instead of keeping the couch, Lex offers Slade what he opens would be the next best thing.
“Alright look, we can’t keep the full thing but you can keep a cushion from it. That way you still have a piece of it, isn’t that something?”
“Three cushions.” Slade demands, his voice strong for the first time this whole conversation.
Lex scoffs at the attempted negotiation.
“Two. Final offer.”
“Deal!”
Lex watches Slade head towards the couch but realizes that he needs to clarify before Slade does something Lex hadn’t thought he needed to specify.
“You can’t pick the cushion that has the wet spot!”
“Oh my god, you are such a dream killer!”
“Why would you even want the wet one?! That can’t be hygienic and we are definitely not keeping it!”
“I want this one because I’m pretty sure this is the one that you always c-” Slade’s sexually charged quip is interrupted by the front door swinging open and their teen running into the living room before announcing his excitement.
“FUCK YEAH! NEW COUCH!”
Conner’s booming voice is only matched by his near manic cackling as he runs past Slade and throws himself onto the sofa opposite the entryway, his body thudding roughly against the new addition.
“Dibs on this side of the couch!” Chucking his jacket off and tossing it onto the last seat on ‘his’ side of the sectional, Conner mimics Lex’s earlier action as he happily splays himself out. An impish grin painting itself across his face as he settles.
“Why are you so excited about the new couch? I thought you liked the old one like me!” Slade questions, one couch cushion tucked under each of his arms as he walks back towards Lex to sit on the couch, placing the two cushions he’s keeping beside the coffee table for now.
“I do like the old couch! It’s the one you guys let me crash on before you decided to be good parents and make me a room properly!” Conner laments, his finger pointing at Lex to signify Slade is only guilty by association and proximity for that slight.
“Does everyone in this family have an overly emotional attachment to this couch but me?! It was my damn couch! I should be the one moaning that it’s leaving!”
“Wait, it’s leaving?! I thought we were gonna keep it!” Conner finally takes a second to notice that the old couch is away from the seating arrangements and that Slade stripped it of two of its cushions.
Slade says nothing but looks at Lex with an ‘I told you so’ expression as he gestures to their son.
“I got the sectional so we would have more couch! It’s nicer! I paid good money for it! We don’t need the old couch! We aren’t keeping the old couch!” Lex’s eyes are narrowed and his lips thin as he has to once again defend his actions—he didn’t think buying a nicer couch was going to turn into such a controversial move but here he is.
“Why don’t we keep the old couch in my room?!”
“Or we could let it retire to my office at work!”
“WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT TO KEEP THE OLD COUCH!?”
A back and forth ensues, Conner and Slade on one side while Lex is on the defensive. It all becomes too much for the bespectacled man to deal with so he goes for the kill shot for both of them.
“Conner, Slade and I fucked on the couch more times than either of us could possibly remember! You still wanna keep it in your room?!”
…
“EEWWWW!!” Conner protests and feigns a gag as he covers his ears, his overly childish behaviour typically unbecoming but right now, Lex is actually grateful for the immaturity. “I don’t wanna know you two fuck any more than I already do!! That’s so gross!” Conner kicks his legs and shakes his head, trying to send that little nugget of information into the deepest and darkest corner of his memory.
“And you!” Lex’s words now aimed solely to target Slade with his next blow. “I’ll let you fuck me as much as you want on that couch to make up the difference, how about that?!”
…
“Fucking deal!” Slade wasn’t exactly looking for permission but he’ll take a free pass to be as horny as he likes any day.
“GROSS!! But not on my side! You keep your gross old person sex on your side of the couch! Not on mine!”
“Oh you absolute little shit, I am not old!” Slade turns on the one person that was on his side about the couch discussion.
“I mean, you did just get very sentimental about an old couch that wasn’t even yours in the first place…Kind of an old thing to do, Slade.”
“Oh, don’t you start on that! You’re the one that kept going on and on about how ‘adult’ you feel because you bought a brand new couch that ‘fits the aesthetic’ of the room! You actually used the word ‘aesthetic’. That’s kind of pa-thetic, if you ask me.” Slade crosses his arms over his chest when he’s finished with his retort but there isn’t any malice in his words.
“It’s a good couch! And it does pull the room together! That’s not me being old! That’s me having taste!”
“I’ll give you a taste of my balls you keep up that attitude…” The corner of Slade’s mouth upticks as he mutters, his ego only emboldened when he sees Lex blush slightly.
“God, you’re so vulgar…” Lex tries to stifle his chuckle but it’s in vain. He tries to cover his smile with the back of his hand but that’s also a useless endeavour.
“YOU TWO ARE SO GROSS!” Conner whines out as he throws a pillow at Slade as some sort of punishment for the transgression.
Lex only laughs more as the pillow hits Slade with more force than the teen probably intended, the loud thwack somehow echoing in the apartment. Slade returns it, just for Conner to repeat the cycle.
It’s only after a few minutes when the dust all settles, Slade sitting beside his son on the side of the couch Conner deemed his with his arm draped over the teen’s shoulders. It’s here that Conner finally speaks his mind about something that’s been slightly bugging him.
“Ya know, I don’t really think the coffee table goes with the new couch…”
After a moment, Lex’s eyes narrow before he sighs in defeat.
“Fuck me…”
“Maybe after we get a new coffee table.”
“Gross!”