Chapter Text
Her apartment wasn’t messy per se. Most would say it was rather clean. But she knew it was off. None of her clothes were ironed before putting them away in the wrong drawers, she didn’t drain of the cans before placing them in the recycling, the blankets weren’t folded and pillows laid flat instead of upright.
By her family standards? It was a fucking pig sty. Her biggest crime was it was past noon and blinds still weren’t open. She had been laying in the dark all day.
The flowers on her coffee table were starting to wilt. She knees down beside and gingerly cups one of the buds.
“No reason you guys should suffer too,” she says to them a soft voice.
She gets up with a grunt and walks over to window and grabs the little cords.
Agatha is greeted by a familiar face in the window. Shes gives Agatha a little grin and wave as if she didn’t just scare the shit of her.
Once Agatha’s heart slows down she can make sense of the motion she is making outside her windows.
The woman outside lifts up her curled hands and- “no I am not letting in you through the window. Just ring door three I’ll let you in.”
She tilts her head in confusion. She can’t hear Agatha.
Agatha makes a three with her hands. The woman outside makes an “ohh” face and walks away.
Agatha turns around.
“Shit! Shit! Shit!” She couldn’t let her in with the room looking like this.
Agatha closes the drawers, fix the pillows and blanket, she won’t notice the cans, and slides a coaster under drink.
The door rings. Agatha’s presses the unlock. She’s got 30 seconds left. Shes grateful she’s already dressed. She just have to tuck in her shirt. Shit that looks bad. Quick untuck. Aw fuck now it’s all wrinkled. Just tuck it back in. There’s a knock on the door.
“Hey, um,” Agatha pauses for a moment hoping the other woman would fill in the gap but to no avail, “you. You can um come inside.”
“Thanks,” the other woman says in an awkward monotone voice.
Agatha closes the door behind her, “so listen I know we don’t always get along but what I did was totally inappropriate.”
The taller woman makes her way to Agatha’s kitchen. “Ohhhhh, you mean last week when I bravely came out as a woman and you just made weird noises and then left the room.” Jax scrunches her nose, her smile infuriatingly smug. “What did it souuund like again?”
Agatha winces, hoping the pressure of grinding her teeth together will drown out the cacophony of noises coming out of the other woman’s mouth. She then redirects her energy back to her apology. “I know you guys are all pretty angry, and it’s your right. My reaction was inexcusable.”
She could only assume everyone else was angry. Her phone has been dead for the past few days. Shes never done that before.
“How sweet,” she places her hand over her heart, “but once again Aggie, you’re wrong. I’m not mad.”
“Well that’s pretty forgiving. Again I know we didn’t always see eye to eye-“
She waves her hand in the redhead’s face, “ah bah bah no waxing poetic right now. I don’t forgive you.”
“But you just said-“
She starts to take various jars and bags out of Agatha’s fridge, “I am not forgiving you because you didn’t do anything wrong. You had the reaction because you are clearly jealous.”
Jealous? What could she possibly have to be jealous of?
She starts unscrewing a jar of pickles, “did I tell you I think I landed on my new name,” she takes a bite out of the pickle and with a mouthful says, “what do you think of Agatha?”
“I think it’s a really nice name, I also think it’s mine.”
“God you are so selfish! I don’t think I want the name of a selfish woman,” she points one of the pickles she did not buy towards Agatha, “want some?”
Agatha shakes her head.
“I think I am just going to stick with Jax” she says it as if it’s the easiest thing in the world and once again Agatha feels something in the pit of her stomach.
“You made that face again!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she really doesn’t. She doesn’t know what face she making, she not sure what she’s feeling.
Jax has gone back to digging through Agatha’s fridge.
“What is this music,” Jax says looking around as Agatha embarrassingly turns off the tv, “I was expecting Tracey Chapman.”
“It’s Breakfast in America,” silence, “Supertramp.”
She scoffs, “god you wish.”
“I do like Agatha,” clearly Jax didn’t get to finish her joke and she wasn’t going to spend time on an insult and not use it, “I figured if I’m going to be a better lesbian why not really rub it in and be a better Agatha too.”
There it is again, that super casual tone. These things just slip out of her mouth while churning something in her.
“You’re a lesbian?”
“Well I’m a woman and I like women, I feel like those are the requirements,” she goes back into the fridge, “I mean of course that’s a suuuuper narrow definition and it’s a lot more nuanced than that but I’m sure you’ve already done plenty of research into that haven’t you Aggie?”
Did she accidentally leave a copy of “Lesbianism for Dummies” on her kitchen counter?
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I’m not actually a lesbian though, I want to give men another try, those dirty rotten scoundrels,” she shakes her fist, “I just wanted to see you squirm.”
“Jax I understand that you think you know everything but I think I would know if I was a lesbian.”
The refridgator starts beeping.
“You have to close it,” Agatha says.
Jax closes it and then immediately opens it up again
Jax has now moved on to tiny little turkey pepperonis. God when did she get so much junk food in her fridge?
“Are you going to eat my entire fridge?”
“I’m trying to grow massive jugs right now. God would it kill you to be an ally? Trans women fought for your rights Aggie. Show some respect!”
She tosses the now empty bag of pepperoni into the trash can, “anyway as I was saying. You and me are a lot more similar than you think.”
“We are not alike.”
“Try not to sound so insulted.”
“We are nothing alike,” this time she says in an unintentionally defensive tone.
“When I was in the circus I gave myself a role to play. I recognized something in you at the resturant. You watched someone do something you’re scared to do. Never did I think I would see the day that you’d be jealous of me! Isn’t that something?”
Oh my god. Was she jealous? Was she jealous of Jax? Yes. She thinks she was. How can you be jealous of someone and not even know what you’re jealous about.
“That’s not true.”
“Oh sorry my mistake, so then you just are raging transphobe.”
“No it’s not the either,” she says quickly.
“Then what is it Aggie?” She says it an obnoxious sing-song voice.
She knew what it was it was yelling at her in the back of her head since they left. Actually it had been yelling at her even before they went in.
Agatha has learned two things can be true: she was focused on everyone else because she cared and because it made it a lot easier to ignore her own problems.
“Maybe I wouldn’t have been so mean to you if I realized how alike we are,” she reflects on the thought for a moment no “I still would’ve been mean, maybe meaner.”
“I think I’m going to be sick.”
She passed her some tums
“What the hell?”
“We’ve been over this already, I’m better than you in all aspects,” Agatha unscrews the top and takes out two tablets, no three, four would be overkill, “One of us had to be prepared and I knew it wasn’t going to be you.”
She was waiting for Caine to pop in through the door and tell her it’s actually been a long long con and there never escaped. This was just a new torture method.
She looks to her closet door. Any second now it’ll change designs
“When did all of this happen? Not the trans things,” Jax raises an eyebrow, “sorry that’s sound bad I mean-the the,” Agatha makes an exasperated noise waves vaguely in Jax’s general direction. “You’re almost nice now.”
“I’m in therapy now,” words neither woman thought Jax would-could ever say, “thought it was just for sissies but turns out it’s like a 101 classes of manipulating people.”
And there’s the Jax she knows.
Agatha is faced with two realities she’s been avoiding: she was a lesbian and Jax was possibly better adjusted than her.
“Okay fine fine.”
The refrigerator door beeps again. Jax closes it this time.
“Okay fine what?”
“You’re right.”
“About what?” She knows what. It’s just not enough for her.
“I might be a lesbian.”
“Might?”
Agatha groans.
She puts her hands up, “okay fine. I am. I am one.”
“One what?”
“You know.”
“Oh I do but I want you to say it.”
“A lesbian.”
“Say it again.”
“Jax.”
“Agatha.”
“I am a lesbian.”
“Can you say it a louder?”
“I am a lesbian.”
Agatha is not one to entertain Jax’s request but is feels good. Kinda. It still feels like a lot. Two things can be true: she can feel a twist in her stomach while feeling a weight off her back.
“Say it with your chest.”
“I’m a lesbian!”
“Yeah you are! Did you hear that Julien?”
Julien? Agatha realizes Jax has her phone out.
“Aw fuck you man,” she hears them say from the other side of the line.”
“JULIEN?!,” a panic sets in, “Jax what are you doing.”
“Oh yeahhhhh,” she drags out the H sound, “sorry we had a bet about you.”
“You had a bet on whether I was a lesbian?”
“No we both knew. We just had a bet on who could get get you to admit it first.”
“Agatha I am so proud of you and I promise we’ll circle back but why the hell did you pick up the phone for Jax and not me?” Julien says
“Oh she didn’t. I showed up at her house.”
“That’s dirty. Fuck why didn’t I think of that”
“Was it really that obvious?” Agatha doesn’t sound hurt but there is a slight sting.
Julien tries their best to place it gently, “just a little.”
“Then why couldn’t I see it?”
“It’s harder to see when you’re the person who has to accept it. I mean take Jax. I basically had to corner her-“
Jax cuts her off as quickly as possible , “okay bye Juju that’s enough I take Venmo and cash app BYE.”
Jax hangs up the phone.
“Okay so I have to head out but uh, good luck with all of this.”
“What? You’re leaving?”
“Yeah,” Jax grabs her jacket, “trust me it’ll be fine. The hard part is over now.”