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Robert wasn’t entirely sure how he got here.
He’d only gone for a walk to clear his head. Then he’d bumped into Victoria who had dragged him along “for company” and somehow that had turned into sitting on a pink fluffy chair in the salon with Victoria’s handbag on his lap.
He hadn’t been in here since Bernice owned it. Had it always been this aggressively pink? Pink walls, pink cushions and a pink feather boa looped over a mirror. The fifty shades of animal print on every other surface, were definitely all Mandy. Everywhere he looked was an assault on his eyes.
Victoria sat opposite him with a leopard print cape around her shoulders, sections of her hair held up with clips as Mandy snipped away. Beside her Kerry sat on a wheeled stool, carefully painting her nails a glossy coral pink. On her other side, Vanessa flipped through a magazine, her head covered in foils.
They all seemed entirely unbothered by his presence. They’d probably forgotten he was even there if their topics of conversation were anything to go by. He really could have gone the rest of his life without knowing how often Kerry does her pelvic floor exercises.
Robert zoned out, letting their voices blend into background noise. He wondered why he was still sitting there holding Victoria’s handbag when he could easily just stand up and walk out.
“Robert?”
He blinked as he was pulled from his thoughts. Mandy was looking at him through the mirror, one eyebrow raised as she held the scissors in mid-air. It took him a second to realise that she had been talking to him.
“You’re quiet today.” Mandy said, her voice soft with concern. “Are you okay, love?”
“What? Yeah, I’m fine,” Robert replied, the words flat and unconvincing.
“Are you depressed because our Aaron is leaving?” Mandy was never known for her subtlety.
“I’m not depressed,” Robert insisted, dragging a hand over his face. “I mean… I’m not happy about it, but I’m not going to jump off a bridge or anything.”
“Why don’t we have a night out?” Victoria suggested brightly. “You haven’t left the village since you got out of prison. Having a few drinks and a boogie will do you good.”
Kerry turned in her chair, seizing on the idea. “I’m up for a night out,” she said, lifting her hands and admiring her freshly painted nails. “Show these bad boys off.”
“Do you remember how much fun it was the last time we all went out?” Victoria added.
“Yeah, it was great—until Kerry and Priya got us barred,” Vanessa said dryly.
“Oi, worth it,” Kerry shot back, before turning to Robert. “Remember you pulled that fit Irish bloke? The chef?” she grinned.
Robert’s expression flickered. He remembered how the night had ended. With Aaron’s voice thick with emotion, pleading, please Robert, will you come home with me? How he had fallen asleep in Aaron’s arms. Where he belonged.
“Yeah… why not,” Robert said at last, with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. Anything to help him stop thinking about Aaron and his new life with John.
A group chat had been created within minutes, and ever since, Robert’s phone had barely stopped vibrating. Club suggestions, outfit discussions, screen shots of drink menus. He muted the chat after a long string of messages had his phone buzzing away like he was surrounded by a swarm of bees.
The following Saturday had Robert standing in his room wishing he’d never agreed to it.
He had nearly everything he owned spread across the bed, though it still looked pitifully sparse. Once his wardrobe had been filled with the kind of clothes that made him feel polished, successful, untouchable. Crisp shirts hung in neat rows. Tailored trousers. Polished shoes lined beneath them. Jackets bought in places people here only ever talked about in magazines.
His favourite had been the black leather jacket from Milan. Rich, supple leather that creaked quietly when he moved. It was outrageously expensive, bought during a time when money had meant absolutely nothing to him. He could still remember the sales assistant draping it over his shoulders and the appreciative looks she had given him when Chrissie wasn’t looking.
The leather jacket was long gone. Left behind with the rest of his stuff after he got sent down.
Now his wardrobe consisted mostly of survival. A handful of t-shirts. Hoodies. Sweatpants. Clothes bought for comfort rather than appearance. Clothes for hiding in.
There was a time when the only hoodies in his wardrobe belonged to Aaron. Folded in a drawer next to Robert’s cashmere jumpers.
Aaron.
His heart squeezed at the thought.
He stared down at the pile on the bed, trying to imagine himself out on the pull, looking for someone to take home. Someone to flirt with. Kiss. Forget himself for a few hours. But he couldn’t quite imagine it.
Because the truth was simple. He didn’t want anyone else. And Aaron had moved on. Not only moved on, but with his brother of all people. Well, half-brother, but still.
So this night out wasn’t really about finding someone. It was about proving something to himself. That he could leave the house. That he could smile when Victoria wanted him to smile. That he could pretend, for one evening at least, that his heart wasn’t still stuck in the past.
His gaze drifted back to the clothes littering the bed. None of them looked like the sort of thing a man wore when he was trying to convince the world, or himself, that he was finally ready to let go.
Victoria knocked on his door and pushed it open a second later. She stood in the doorway wrapped in a towel, damp hair dripping onto her shoulders.
“Bathroom’s free.”
Robert barely looked up, his focus still on the clothing spread out before him.
Victoria frowned. “What’s the matter?”
“I have nothing to wear.”
She looked at the bed and winced slightly. “Oh.”
Robert rubbed a hand over his face. “I can’t go to a nightclub dressed like this, Vic.”
Vic disappeared before he could spiral any further. He heard the rapid tapping of her fingers on her phone out in the hallway, followed by, “What size are you again?”
“Same as always.”
“Helpful.”
By the time Robert had a shower, and went back to his room, a package had been delivered. Sitting on his bed was a brown paper bag and inside was a black button up shirt and a pair of dark blue jeans.
The clothes fit almost perfectly.
He stood in front of the mirror, staring at his reflection for a long moment. The black shirt hugged his torso, made his shoulders look broader, his posture straighter. The jeans sat properly on his hips and arse, instead of hanging loosely like the baggy sweatpants he’d been wearing since returning to the village.
For the first time in a long time, he recognised something in his reflection again. The sharper lines. The careful presentation. The version of himself that had once walked into rooms without fear curling in his stomach.
Maybe it was stupid that clothes could matter this much.
But standing there in black cotton and dark denim, looking a little more like the man he used to be, Robert thought maybe it would help. Maybe if he could look like his old self again, eventually he might start feeling like him too.
There was a knock on the front door downstairs followed by Victoria shouting, “Taxi’s here!”
Robert’s stomach tightened instantly.
He grabbed his brown jacket from the bed and followed Vic downstairs. The cool evening air hit him the second she opened the front door.
A grey van was parked out front, engine still running. The side door stood open, Believe by Cher playing faintly inside. Kerry, Vanessa and Mandy were crammed into the backseat together. Dressed to the nines with short skirts and high heels. The second they saw Robert and Victoria, they erupted into cheers loud enough to make him wince.
“There he is!” Mandy yelled.
“Well don’t you scrub up nice,” Kerry added, looking Robert up and down.
Robert rolled his eyes as he climbed into the van behind Vic. “You lot are already drunk.”
“Correct,” Vanessa replied cheerfully, waving a glass bottle in the air.
The inside of the taxi smelled strongly of perfume and sugary alcohol. Bottles clinked as they rolled around on the floor. The moment Robert clicked his seatbelt on, Mandy shoved a cold bottle into his hand.
“Drink.”
He looked down at it suspiciously. Some bright pink coloured premixed vodka thing that was apparently watermelon flavoured.
“Be careful. These are dangerous,” Vic warned from beside him.
Robert twisted the cap open anyway and took a cautious sip.
Instant regret.
It tasted overwhelmingly sweet, like melted lollies mixed with chemicals.
Robert took another smaller sip, but the sweetness coated his tongue unpleasantly, making him feel vaguely nauseous. The first thing he was going to do when they got to the club was down a beer to take the taste away.
Outside the windows, the village disappeared behind them as the taxi headed towards town. The girls talked loudly over one another, already in that warm, tipsy stage where everything was hilarious.
Robert mostly stayed quiet, bottle resting untouched in his hands. After a few minutes he glanced towards Victoria.
“We’re not going to a gay bar, are we?” Robert asked cautiously.
“Nope,” Vic answered. “Just your bog-standard night club.”
“More’s the pity,” Kerry sighed dramatically.
“Kerry!” Vanessa admonished.
“What?” Kerry lifted a shoulder unapologetically. “Gay bars are more fun.”
Despite himself, Robert smiled faintly at that.
He was glad they weren’t going to a gay bar; they had never really been his thing. But going to a gay place would insinuate he was out on the pull, and he definitely wasn’t ready for that yet.
And yes, even at regular club, he could have men and women looking at him with interest. Hopefully with Victoria, Kerry, Mandy and Vanessa as his shieldmaidens, it would lessen the possibility of somebody actually approaching him. And the expectation that he might want them to.
Because he didn’t.
Because some stupid part of him had come back to this village carrying the faint, humiliating hope that maybe he and Aaron could pick up where they had left off. That maybe there was enough love still there for Aaron to pick him over John.
Even after they had slept together, Aaron made it clear that nothing more would happen between them. That he was choosing John. That whatever they’d once been belonged entirely in the past.
So yes, a generic nightclub where he could drink and dance badly and for a few hours forget that Aaron now loved someone else, was infinitely a better choice.
They piled out of the van and onto the pavement, joining the queue outside the club. The music grew louder the closer they got, bass heavy enough to vibrate through the concrete beneath Robert’s shoes. Multicoloured lights flashed across the street, catching on sequins, jewellery, and clouds of cigarette smoke drifting through the cold night air.
The girls chatted excitedly beside him as they shuffled forward in the line, but Robert barely heard a word. His stomach had already started knotting itself tighter with every step towards the entrance. He tried to ignore it. Tonight was supposed to be normal. Fun. He wanted, desperately, to enjoy himself. To prove to Victoria, and maybe even to himself, that he was okay now. That prison hadn’t broken something inside him beyond repair.
They finally reached the doorway. The bouncers gave them a quick once over before unclipping the rope and waving them inside. Overly warm air hit Robert immediately, heavy with sweat, perfume and alcohol. Victoria and the others made a beeline for the bar, disappearing into the crowd without hesitation, but Robert stopped dead just inside the entrance.
The bass slammed through him.
Thud. Thud. Thud.
It rattled his ribs so hard it felt like fists driving into his body.
For a second the flashing lights weren’t club lights anymore. They were the harsh strip lights from prison corridors. The shouting around him warped into angry voices echoing off concrete walls. His chest tightened painfully.
Another thud.
Another punch.
His breath caught.
He couldn’t do it.
People brushed past him, shoulders knocking into his arms as they pushed deeper into the club, but Robert stayed frozen to the spot. His pulse roared in his ears. The room suddenly felt too small, too loud, too hot.
He tried to breathe properly, but the air felt thick in his lungs, like he was drowning in it. His hands started shaking uncontrollably at his sides. Everything sounded muffled, as though he’d been shoved underwater.
“Robert?” Mandy’s voice cut through the noise, a concerned expression on her face. “Are you alright, love?”
He looked at her with wide, panicked eyes, but all he could manage was a weak shake of his head. Mandy’s expression changed instantly. She stepped closer, placing a steady hand on his arm.
“Right,” she said firmly. “I’m taking you home.”
“But Vic… the others…” Robert forced out between shallow breaths.
“I’ll message Victoria. She’ll understand.”
Robert swallowed hard and nodded once, ashamed of how relieved he felt. Mandy guided him back towards the exit, shielding him from the people trying to squeeze past. The cold night air hit his face the second they stepped outside and he dragged in a sharp breath, like someone surfacing after nearly drowning. He bent slightly at the waist; hands braced on his knees as he took in big gulps of air as he tried to stop his nervous system from acting as though he was being chased by a bear.
“You’re alright,” Mandy said gently beside him, keeping one steady hand between his shoulder blades. “Just breathe for me, love.”
At the side of the road, a taxi had just pulled up to let passengers out. Laughter spilled from the open door as two girls stumbled onto the pavement in towering heels.
“Come on,” Mandy urged softly.
Robert let her guide him towards the car. His legs felt unsteady beneath him, weak with leftover panic. Mandy opened the back door and practically bundled him inside before climbing in after him. The warmth of the taxi wrapped around him immediately with the scent of fake pine in the air. Mandy pulled the door shut firmly behind them, cutting off most of the noise from outside.
“Where to?” the driver asked, glancing at them through the mirror.
Mandy gave him her address, and the taxi pulled away from the kerb and into the stream of late-night traffic. Robert leaned back against the seat, eyes closed, still breathing too fast. Beside him, Mandy stayed quietly close, one hand still resting lightly on his arm as if reminding him he wasn’t alone. He felt pathetic sitting there trembling in the back of a taxi while everyone else was inside dancing and having fun. Tonight had been supposed to prove something. That he could go out, be normal, move on, and instead he’d barely made it through the door before falling apart.
“I’m sorry,” Robert said quietly, staring down at his shaking hands in his lap.
Mandy frowned beside him. “What for?”
“For ruining your night.” His voice came out rough with embarrassment. “That you had to see me like that.”
“Oh, sweetheart.” Mandy’s expression softened instantly. “You didn’t ruin anything.”
Robert looked away towards the window, watching the city lights blur past outside.
“Have you seen someone?” Mandy asked carefully after a moment. “A counsellor or a psychologist?”
Robert gave a small shake of his head. “I can’t afford it.”
“There are other options.” Mandy said as she adjusted her ponytail. “Paddy volunteers for an online counselling service. It’s completely free and confidential.”
Robert stiffened slightly at that. The idea of Paddy knowing everything, the panic attacks, the prison memories, the nightmares, was not a pleasant thought.
Mandy noticed immediately.
“And I’m sure there are plenty of other online services available,” she added quickly, giving his arm a reassuring squeeze. “You wouldn’t have to speak to anyone you know.”
Robert gave a quiet hum of acknowledgement, though he still wasn’t sure how he felt about any of it. Mandy looked at him for a long moment before speaking more softly.
“And I really hope you do talk to someone, because sweetheart… you can’t carry on like this.”
Robert swallowed hard. He knew she was right. The panic attacks. The sleepless nights. Jumping at loud noises. Feeling constantly on edge like something terrible was about to happen. It wasn’t living.
“I know,” he admitted quietly.
“Letting go of Aaron will help too,” Mandy said gently. “I know how hard it is for you, seeing Aaron with John.” She gave him a small, sympathetic smile. “It was hard for me sometimes when Paddy was with Chas.”
The words landed painfully in Robert’s chest because she was right about that too. Every time he saw Aaron with John it felt like reopening a wound that had never properly healed. Watching them together, laughing and touching so casually, while Robert stood there pretending it didn’t bother him nearly tore him apart some days.
The taxi eventually slowed and pulled up outside Mandy’s house. The engine idled softly while Mandy reached into her bag for her purse.
“I’ll pay half.” Robert said, pulling his wallet out of his pocket.
“You absolutely will not,” Mandy said firmly, already handing money to the driver before Robert could argue further.
The driver thanked her and pulled away once they climbed out onto the pavement.
For a moment they simply stood beneath the yellow glow of the streetlamp. Then Mandy stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him. Robert froze for half a second in surprise before awkwardly hugging her back. Mandy had never exactly been his biggest fan. None of the Dingles had been, they only really tolerated him because of his relationship with Aaron. Their loyalty had always been firmly with him. Which somehow made this feel even more genuine. There was no judgement in the hug. No irritation. No sense that she was only helping because she had to.
“Thank you,” he said quietly as they pulled apart.
“My pleasure.” Mandy rested a hand briefly against his cheek, her expression warm but concerned. “And if you need anything, you let me know, okay?”
Robert nodded, managing a small smile this time. “Okay.”
Robert crossed the quiet street towards his house, hands shoved deep into the pockets of his jacket against the cold. The night had settled into a soothing silence here, so different from the noise and chaos of the club. Just the distant hum of traffic and the soft rustle of wind through the hedges. He reached the gate and pushed it open but stopped when he noticed a familiar figure walking towards him through the dim glow of the streetlights.
Aaron.
Robert’s stomach flipped painfully at the sight of him.
Aaron slowed as he approached, hands tucked into the pockets of his jeans. “Going somewhere?” he asked lightly.
“Coming home, actually,” Robert replied, trying to sound far calmer than he felt. “Would you like to come in for a brew?”
Aaron gave an apologetic shake of his head. “I can’t. I’ve got packing to do.”
The reminder that Aaron was leaving hit harder than Robert expected.
“Right,” he said quietly. “Of course.”
A small awkward silence settled between them.
Then Aaron spoke again. “Another time maybe? Before I leave?”
“Yeah,” Robert said, unable to stop the small smile tugging at his mouth. “That would be great.”
Aaron smiled back, soft and familiar enough to make Robert’s chest ache.
“I’ll see you later then.”
“Okay. Bye.”
“Bye.”
Robert stepped through the gate and headed up the path without looking back, though every instinct inside him wanted to turn around and watch Aaron walk away.
Inside the house, with the door closed safely behind him, he leaned against it for a moment and closed his eyes. Mandy was right. Something had to change. He couldn’t keep living trapped between panic attacks, prison memories and a love he refused to let go of. He had to get better. He had to become someone who smiled easily again instead of constantly carrying the weight of everything that had happened to him.
Maybe then he could become the man Aaron had fallen in love with all those years ago.
Aaron was with John now.
Robert knew that.
But who knew what the future would hold.