Work Text:
@HockeyGirl94
SHANE HOLLANDER PRIVATE DINNER??????????
@rozysupremacy
I would sell my organs honestly
@CellySzn
Ilya better be ready because I’m about to become bankrupt
@IlyaRozanov
Hello internet. If you win dinner with me I teach you how eat steak correctly, yes.
@ShaneHollander
Please don’t bankrupt yourselves. It’s for charity.
@IlyaRozanov
No Shane. They can bankrupt little bit.
@HarrisDrover
Already muting my notifications and it’s been four minutes.
@WyattHayes13
How long before Roz gets jealous and starts fighting people in replies
@ZaneBoodram
under 15 minutes
@IlyaRozanov
I am not jealous. Why would I be jealous over dinner with my teammate.
@LucaHaas
Clock started.
@JackiePike
I’m already making popcorn.
@OttawaCentaursFan
ONLY ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS DIFFERENCE LMAOOOO
@ScottHunter44
You people are insane.
@IlyaRozanov
Whoever bid on Shane I respect your charity heart but I dislike you personally.
@BidOnShane87
come stop me then
@IlyaRozanov
Send address.
@ShaneHollander
No one send him your address.
@CliffMarlow
Roz has entered his villain era over a dinner reservation.
@YunaHollander
This is why he was never allowed to play Monopoly with us.
@IlyaRozanov
Because I always won.
@YunaHollander
Because you flipped the board.
@NHLTeaSpill
Not Shane liking every tweet calling Ilya jealous 😭
@ShaneHollander
I’m not liking them.
@NHLTeaSpill
Buddy we can see your likes.
@ShaneHollander
Oh.
@TroyBarrett
Shane discovering public likes in real time is my favourite part of this evening.
@DavidHollander
Yuna says Shane should wear the blue sweater if someone wins his dinner.
@YunaHollander
David stop embarrassing him online.
@IlyaRozanov
No no Yuna continue. Which blue sweater.
@ShaneHollander
Please don’t encourage this.
@HockeyAndHeart
This is genuinely amazing.
@IlyaRozanov
See Shane? Worth little bankruptcy.
@ShaneHollander
I still think maybe people should pay rent first.
@EvanDykstra
That’s why nobody asks you for financial advice, Hollander.
@ShaneHollander
That’s fair.
@NHLBreakaway
SHANE TOOK THE LEAD
@IlyaRozanov
Absolutely unacceptable.
@ShaneHollander
It’s for charity, Ilya.
@IlyaRozanov
Exactly. Charity should choose me.
@ScottHunter44
You sound like a toddler losing a board game.
@IlyaRozanov
Hunter should sleep. It almost bedtime at retirement home.
@ScottHunter44
I’m thirty-two.
@IlyaRozanov
Ancient, yes.
@FansOfPike
Need Hayden Pike commentary immediately.
@HaydenPike22
Jackie and I are watching this instead of TV.
@JackiePike
Our children are emotionally invested now.
@IlyaRozanov
Of course they are. Hayden have enough children start own hockey league.
@HaydenPike22
Not all of us can spend our free time fighting strangers in auction replies.
@IlyaRozanov
I can multitask.
@BidForShaneNow
If I win dinner with Shane I’m asking him what shampoo he uses.
@IlyaRozanov
No.
@BidForShaneNow
???
@IlyaRozanov
Secret information.
@ShaneHollander
It’s not secret information.
@IlyaRozanov
Shane do not share our secrets with internet.
@QueerAthleteMag
Ilya gatekeeping Shane’s shampoo is somehow the least subtle thing he’s done tonight.
@ShaneHollander
I think everyone is reading too much into this.
@LucaHaas
Counterpoint: no they aren’t.
@BrandonWiebeCoach
Reminder to both of you that we still have practice tomorrow.
@IlyaRozanov
Coach this is important charity work.
@BrandonWiebeCoach
You threatened three bidders in the last hour.
@IlyaRozanov
Motivational threats.
@NHLWAGUpdates
Shane being nervous about dinner with a stranger is honestly very endearing.
@ShaneHollander
I just think it might be awkward.
@RandomCentaursFan
Shane you literally talk to the media every day.
@ShaneHollander
That’s different. Media interviews end after five minutes.
@RoseLandryOfficial
Shane is actually painfully polite in person. Someone will ask him one question and he’ll apologize for taking too long answering it.
@ShaneHollander
Rose.
@RoseLandryOfficial
I’m right.
@IlyaRozanov
He also blush when complimented. Very cute, yes.
@InternetLosesMind
OH MY GOD
@ShaneHollander
Ilya please.
@IlyaRozanov
What? I support auction.
@NHLonFire
ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS DIFFERENCE AGAIN
@HarrisDrover
I haven’t blinked in two hours.
@SvetlanaVetrova
Ilya pacing around his apartment right now like a tiger in a zoo.
@IlyaRozanov
Lies.
I am pacing around Shane apartment.
@EveryoneOnEarth
?????????????
@ShaneHollander
He forgot his jacket here.
@CliffMarlow
Sure man.
@FanOfChaos
Honestly if I won dinner with Shane I’d just spend the whole night asking how he tolerates Ilya.
@ShaneHollander
I like him.
@FanOfChaos
That’s somehow crazier.
@IlyaRozanov
Shane likes me because I am charming and beautiful.
@WyattHayes13
You forgot “humble.”
@IlyaRozanov
Also humble, yes.
@SportsCenterish
Ilya back in the lead by FIFTY DOLLARS 😭
@ScottHunter44
This feels less like fundraising and more like foreplay.
@EntireInternet
SCOTT??????
@ShaneHollander
Scott.
@IlyaRozanov
Correct statement from elderly man.
@ScottHunter44
I regret everything.
@Bid4RozPls
I want to win Ilya’s dinner just to ask him why he says “yes” after every sentence.
@IlyaRozanov
Because I am sophisticated international man, yes.
@ShaneHollander
He actually picked it up from his grandfather.
@IlyaRozanov
Now internet cannot bully me because Shane make it emotional story.
@ShaneHollander
No one was bullying you.
@IlyaRozanov
I know. But now they extra love me.
@YunaHollander
We do extra love you, sweetheart.
@InternetDetectives
SHANE’S MOM CALLING ILYA SWEETHEART
@DavidHollander
He’s basically ours at this point.
@ShaneHollander
Dad.
@IlyaRozanov
I LOVE THIS FAMILY, YES.
@HockeyInsiderDaily
I genuinely cannot tell if they’re soft-launching something or if this is just how they always act.
@LucaHaas
This is toned down actually.
@NHLFansUnited
ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS?????
@HarrisDrover
I’m going to need therapy after monitoring this hashtag all night.
@RoseLandryOfficial
I'm so proud, guys ❤️
@ShaneHollander
Thanks, Rose.
@IlyaRozanov
Rose I need you help. People trying take my husband for dinner.
@EntireNHL
HUSBAND???????????
@ShaneHollander
Ilya.
@IlyaRozanov
Typo, yes.
@HaydenPike22
sure buddy
@BoodramZone
Imagine winning dinner with Shane and realizing Ilya will probably be sitting in the parking lot glaring through the window.
@IlyaRozanov
Not parking lot. I have dignity.
@BoodramZone
Oh sorry.
@IlyaRozanov
I sit at restaurant bar dramatically.
@ShaneHollander
You’re not sitting anywhere dramatically because none of this is real yet.
@IlyaRozanov
Shane if stranger flirt with you over breadsticks I go to prison.
@RoseLandryOfficial
Honestly valid.
@ShaneHollander
Rose!
@RoseLandryOfficial
I’m supporting my friend.
@RandomLAFan
Imagine spending $100k and having Ilya Rozanov third-wheel your dinner.
@IlyaRozanov
Correct.
@NHLQueerFans
I have never seen a man publicly spiral this hard over hypothetical breadsticks.
@ShaneHollander
I promise no one is going to flirt with me over breadsticks.
@IlyaRozanov
You are very pretty. Could happen, yes.
@ShaneHollander
…
@TroyBarrett
HE DIDN’T DENY SHANE WAS PRETTY
@WyattHayes13
Everybody stay calm.
@EntireInternet
WE ARE NOT CALM
@CentaursCentral
FIFTY DOLLARS DIFFERENCE AGAIN THEY’RE INSANE
@HaydenPike22
Jackie says this is more stressful than the birth of our third child.
@JackiePike
Fourth child. Which honestly proves my point.
@IlyaRozanov
See? Too many children. Hayden lose count.
@HaydenPike22
You literally call Shane “baby” on the ice.
@IlyaRozanov
Different situation.
@NHLTeaSpill
EXCUSE ME??????
@ShaneHollander
Hayden.
@HaydenPike22
What? It’s true.
@IlyaRozanov
Sometimes he score pretty goal and I become emotional.
@FanGirl999
I’m genuinely obsessed with whatever is happening here.
@BrandonWiebeCoach
I’m muting all of you.
@EvanDykstra
Coach is only mad because he had to explain to management why “breadsticks jealousy” is trending.
@ShaneHollander
Seriously, thank you. This means a lot.
@IlyaRozanov
Yes. Thank you for helping children and also emotionally torturing me.
@BidForShaneNow
Ilya if it helps I’d probably just ask Shane about hockey statistics for two hours.
@IlyaRozanov
This actually worse.
@ShaneHollander
He’s joking.
@IlyaRozanov
No I am not.
@DataNerdHockey
Shane would absolutely enjoy talking statistics for two hours.
@ShaneHollander
I probably would.
@IlyaRozanov
I am losing him to spreadsheets.
@SvetlanaVetrova
Not the spreadsheets 😔
@InternetSportsNet
THEY KEEP SWITCHING LEADS
@ScottHunter44
I’m starting to think these idiots are bidding on each other.
@EntireInternet
LMAOOOOO
@IlyaRozanov
Impossible. That would be crazy behaviour.
@ShaneHollander
Yeah. Crazy.
@RoseLandryOfficial
You two are terrible actors.
@NHLGlobal
THIS IS CINEMA
@ShaneHollander
I feel nauseous.
@IlyaRozanov
Because you love me deeply, yes.
@ShaneHollander
Because the numbers are very large.
@IlyaRozanov
Little bit both.
@YunaHollander
David and I are so proud of you boys.
@DavidHollander
Even if one of you is threatening bidders.
@IlyaRozanov
Allegedly threatening.
@HarrisDrover
Legal department just fainted.
@FanWithNoMoney
Can’t believe I’m witnessing the queer hockey equivalent of Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
@ScottHunter44
That’s weirdly accurate.
@EveryoneEverywhere
AAAAAAAAAAAAAA
@IlyaRozanov
Shane if stranger win your dinner I fake my own death.
@ShaneHollander
Please don’t fake your death.
@IlyaRozanov
For romance maybe.
@ShaneHollander
That’s not romantic.
@IlyaRozanov
Disagree.
@EntireInternet
OH MY GOD
@NHLonFire
ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS DIFFERENCE IM CRYING
@SportsUniverse
This belongs in a museum.
@ShaneHollander
That’s… a lot of money.
@IlyaRozanov
I win by one hundred dollars. Victory.
@ScottHunter44
Congrats on beating your boyfriend by the price of an airport sandwich.
@RoseLandryOfficial
Oh for god’s sake just tell them already.
@HaydenPike22
PLEASE.
@JackiePike
My kids have been awake past bedtime for this.
@EntireInternet
???????????????????????????
@NHLBreakaway
THEY BID ON EACH OTHER
@HockeyWorldNews
I KNEW IT
@ShaneHollander
In my defence I panicked.
@IlyaRozanov
In my defence I am deeply in love with him, yes.
@InternetExplodes
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
@ShaneHollander
Ilya.
@IlyaRozanov
What? It true.
@EntireInternet
MARRIAGE??????????
@NHLHistoryDaily
THE FIRST QUEER MARRIED COUPLE IN NHL HISTORY JUST HARD LAUNCHED THROUGH A CHARITY AUCTION
@YunaHollander
Finally. Keeping that secret was exhausting.
@DavidHollander
I almost accidentally called Ilya my son in an interview six separate times.
@SvetlanaVetrova
I had to listen to these idiots flirt for YEARS. You’re welcome everyone.
@CliffMarlow
Roz really spent $150,500 because he got jealous over hypothetical breadsticks.
@IlyaRozanov
Worth it.
@ShaneHollander
You know we could have just gone to dinner together for free, right?
@IlyaRozanov
Yes but this way children also win.
@ScottHunter44
I hate that this is objectively romantic.
@RoseLandryOfficial
Shane, blink twice if he’s still threatening imaginary dinner guests.
@ShaneHollander
He’s currently arguing with someone in my mentions who said I looked “respectfully handsome”.
@IlyaRozanov
NOT respectfully enough.
@HarrisDrover
I’m resigning.
@BrandonWiebeCoach
Practice still starts at 8 a.m., married or not.
@IlyaRozanov
Coach cannot separate us now. Government legally approve romance, yes.
@HaydenPike22
Can’t wait to explain this entire night to my children tomorrow.
@JackiePike
They already think Uncle Ilya bought Uncle Shane at an auction.
@IlyaRozanov
Correct.
@ShaneHollander
I hate all of you.
@IlyaRozanov
Love you too, husband.
@ShaneHollander
…love you too.
@IlyaRozanov
Disagree, yes.