Work Text:
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@OttawaCentaurs
🚨 OFFSEASON NEWS 🚨
A new player will join the Ottawa Centaurs next season.
We will be dropping hints during the evening.
Good luck.
#RunWithTheHerd
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@SenselessInOttawa
EXCUSE ME??????
@MetroHockeyGuy
Please don’t say it’s another 38-year-old depth defenseman.
@PuckCentral
OH???
@SensDieHard
PLEASE LET THIS BE BIG.
@HockeyWatcher
If this is another fourth-line grinder I’m deleting the app.
@IlyaRozanov
Is good player, yes.
@NHLWatcher
ROZ THAT DOES NOT NARROW IT DOWN???
@LucaHaas
You guys are not emotionally prepared.
@WyattHayes27
Neither are we honestly.
@EvanDykstra
Coach told us not to tweet.
@TroyBarrett
So anyway…
@CoachWiebe
Troy.
@TroyBarrett
Sorry Coach.
@IlyaRozanov
New teammate is pretty, yes.
@NHLFan22
ILYA THAT IS NOT A HOCKEY DESCRIPTION.
@HabsAndAbs
“PRETTY” narrows it down even LESS in hockey.
@PuckBunny613
“Pretty”???????????
@IlyaRozanov
What? Can appreciate beauty of man. Is modern era.
@ScottHunter
Good save.
@IlyaRozanov
Thank you Hunter. Old age brings wisdom.
@ScottHunter
I’m thirty-three.
@IlyaRozanov
Exactly, yes.
@CliffMarlow
I can hear Ilya giggling from Boston.
@SvetlanaVetrova
He’s kicking his feet on the couch like teenage girl.
@IlyaRozanov
Lies. I sit like strong warrior.
@SvetlanaVetrova
You are literally hugging a throw pillow.
@IlyaRozanov
Is comfortable throw pillow.
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@HarrisDrover
FIRST HINT:
🏆 The new player has won many awards.
#CentaursWatch
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@PuckDetective
That’s literally every star player???
@HockeyInsider
Scott Hunter maybe?
@AdmiralsForever
KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF HIM.
@AdmiralsNation
BACK OFF.
@GoalieRights
Scott Hunter to Ottawa would feed generations.
@PrideTape
Scott and Ilya on same team would either heal hockey or destroy it.
@IlyaRozanov
Hunter cannot survive my music playlist, yes.
@ScottHunter
Your playlist is just Russian screaming and Pitbull.
@IlyaRozanov
International culture. And Hunter too old for my playlist, yes.
@ScottHunter
I'm only a few years older than you.
@IlyaRozanov
Ancient.
@ScottHunter
You strained a muscle sneezing last month.
@IlyaRozanov
Fake news.
@WyattHayes27
Not fake.
@TroyBarrett
We all watched it happen.
@IlyaRozanov
Betrayal everywhere.
@ShaneHollander
Maybe stretching before practice would help.
@NHLFansUnited
SHANE?????
@PuckBunny613
Why did Shane Hollander appear like concerned wife there.
@IlyaRozanov
Shane worries too much, yes. 😍
@ShaneHollander
You put your back out reaching for cereal.
@IlyaRozanov
Top shelf is dangerous environment. 😔
@HaydenPike
This is why I keep telling you to buy step stool.
@IlyaRozanov
I am captain. Captains do not use step stools.
@JackiePike
You used ours at Christmas.
@IlyaRozanov
Photoshopped.
@RoseLandry
This app is about to become very funny, I think.
@FilmNerd44
ROSE???
@RoseLandry
I’m just here for entertainment.
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@HarrisDrover
SECOND HINT:
👀 Younger than Scott Hunter. Close in age to Ilya Rozanov.
#CentaursWatch
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@HockeyRumorsDaily
HAYDEN PIKE???
@MetrosFaithful
STAY AWAY FROM HIM TOO.
@DadEnergyPike
That actually makes sense.
@NHLRumorsDaily
Pike and Roz would be chaos.
@HaydenPike
I have four children and a mortgage. Please leave me out of your conspiracy theories.
@JackiePike
He also has grass to mow tomorrow.
@HaydenPike
Thank you honey.
@IlyaRozanov
Pike already looks tired enough for six men, yes.
@HaydenPike
That’s because my toddler hid blueberries in the DVD player.
@TroyBarrett
Kids are terrifying.
@WyattHayes27
Why do people willingly make more of them.
@CoachWiebe
Wyatt.
@WyattHayes27
Sorry Coach.
@PuckAndPride
Wait.
@PuckAndPride
Why does Ilya sound weirdly fond whenever Shane tweets. 🤔
@HockeyWatcher
No because I noticed that too.
@ShaneHollander
He’s nice to most people.
@LucaHaas
Debatable.
@EvanDykstra
Objectively false.
@ScottHunter
Ilya once told a referee he looked “nutritionally weak”.
@IlyaRozanov
Was true.
@ShaneHollander
You shouldn’t say things like that to officials.
@IlyaRozanov
See? Shane always worries about manners. 🥰
@InternetDetective
Why does that sound affectionate.
@RoseLandry
🙂
@FilmNerd44
ROSE WHAT DOES THAT MEAN.
@RoseLandry
Nothing. Everything. Who can say.
@IlyaRozanov
I know many other things about him too. 😉
@GoalLightLover
👀
@IlyaRozanov
Like his favourite drink.
@HockeyStatsNerd
That’s normal.
@IlyaRozanov
And exact order he separates candy by colour.
@HockeyStatsNerd
…less normal.
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@HarrisDrover
THIRD HINT:
👶 The new player has no children. Yet.
#CentaursWatch
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@BostonBearsFan
CLIFF MARLOW.
@CliffMarlow
I hate that “yet” feels threatening.
@CliffMarlow
And I don’t like how everyone assumes I’m childless because I look irresponsible.
@PuckBunny613
Because you ARE irresponsible.
@CliffMarlow
Fair.
@NHLHotTakes
WAIT “yet” means someone who wants kids maybe???
@IlyaRozanov
Maybe future children have freckles. 😃
@InternetDetective
HELLO??????
@ShaneHollander
Ilya.
@IlyaRozanov
What? Is cute.
@SvetlanaVetrova
Ilya once called Shane’s freckles “tiny cinnamon stars”.
@EntireInternet
???????????????????
@IlyaRozanov
I was drunk.
@ShaneHollander
You were completely sober.
@IlyaRozanov
Okay but emotionally drunk maybe.
@RoseLandry
This is the funniest night of my life.
@FilmGirlRose
ROSE???
@NHLWatcher
WHY DOES EVERYONE SOUND LIKE THEY ALREADY KNOW SOMETHING.
@CliffMarlow
Because some of us aren’t blind.
@HockeyJunkie88
HUH???
@CliffMarlow
Nothing.
@IlyaRozanov
Cliff shut mouth challenge impossible mode.
@PuckAndPride
OH MY GOD.
@IlyaRozanov
🤐 New teammate likes routines, yes.
@InternetDetective
…what kind of hint is that???
@IlyaRozanov
Specific kind.
@ShaneHollander
You are not helping.
@IlyaRozanov
I help emotionally.
@PrideTape
WAIT.
@PrideTape
“Likes routines.”
@AutisticSportsFan
Shane Hollander has talked before about needing routines and schedules.
@StatsGirl99
He eats the exact same pregame meal every game.
@HockeyLore
And he lines up his water bottles by label colour.
@ShaneHollander
The labels face outward because otherwise it feels incorrect.
@EntireInternet
OH.
@IlyaRozanov
One time equipment staff moved one bottle and Shane looked at it like crime scene, yes.
@ShaneHollander
I still think it was Wyatt.
@WyattHayes27
IT WASN’T ME.
@LucaHaas
It was definitely Wyatt.
@WyattHayes27
TRAITOR.
@InternetDetective
Wait wait wait.
@InternetDetective
Why does Ilya know all this stuff about Shane.
@ScottHunter
Because he talks about him constantly.
@IlyaRozanov
Hunter please.
@ScottHunter
No. Freedom of speech.
@PuckCentral
ARE WE WATCHING THE NHL’S MESSIEST BISEXUAL AWAKENING LIVE.
@BiHockeyFan
As a bisexual person I regret to inform everyone that “calls another man pretty” is one of the symptoms.
@IlyaRozanov
I said MANY men are pretty.
@ScottHunter
Name five.
@IlyaRozanov
… Shane in different lighting, yes.
@EntireInternet
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
@ShaneHollander
I’m going to turn my phone off.
@RoseLandry
You said that two hours ago.
@ShaneHollander
I know.
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@HarrisDrover
FOURTH HINT:
🏒 The new player was never previously teammates with Ilya Rozanov.
#CentaursWatch
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@HockeyInsider
WAIT THEN IT CAN’T BE CLIFF.
@BostonBearsFan
OH MY GOD.
@GoalieRights
IT’S SHANE HOLLANDER.
@MetroForever
No chance.
@PuckDetective
Actually yes chance.
@StatsGirl99
The timeline fits.
@HockeyWatcher
Same age as Ilya. Award-winning. Not former teammate.
@PrideTape
AND APPARENTLY VERY IMPORTANT TO ILYA EMOTIONALLY???
@MontrealLifer
Why would Shane leave Montreal?
@AnonymousReply
Maybe because Montreal fans say gross stuff every time people speculate he’s gay.
@SilenceInSports
Well that got ugly fast.
@PrideTape
Hockey culture has a problem and everyone knows it.
@OttawaPride
If Shane Hollander is queer and coming to Ottawa we are protecting him with our lives.
@IlyaRozanov
Good because if anybody hurts him I bite, yes. 😠
@EntireInternet
HELLO??????
@ShaneHollander
Ilya.
@IlyaRozanov
Figuratively maybe.
@ScottHunter
Not figuratively. I saw him threaten a mascot once.
@IlyaRozanov
Mascot knew what he did.
@TroyBarrett
This somehow raises more questions.
@RoseLandry
Honestly this is still subtler than they usually are.
@FilmNerd44
YOU KEEP SAYING THINGS LIKE THAT.
@RoseLandry
I dated Shane years ago. He’s one of my favourite people in the world.
@PuckBunny613
WAIT.
@PuckBunny613
Rose Landry the actress???
@RoseLandry
Hi.
@InternetDetective
ROSE ARE YOU SAYING SHANE IS GAY???
@RoseLandry
I’m saying sometimes people need time to figure themselves out.
@ShaneHollander
Rose.
@RoseLandry
Sorry. But also you’re welcome.
@BiHockeyFan
OH MY GOD.
@PrideTape
WAIT SO SHANE IS GAY AND ILYA IS BISEXUAL???
@ScottHunter
I’m enjoying watching the internet slowly assemble a bookshelf with no instructions.
@IlyaRozanov
Complicated bookshelf, yes.
@ShaneHollander
The instructions are upside down.
@InternetDetective
WAIT THEY’RE MAKING JOKES TOGETHER LIKE AN OLD MARRIED COUPLE.
@EntireInternet
…oh.
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@HarrisDrover
BONUS HINT before bed:
❤️ The new player already means a lot to our captain.
#CentaursWatch
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@EntireInternet
SCREAMING.
@PuckCentral
OH MY GOD THEY’RE TOGETHER.
@GoalieRights
THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY TOGETHER.
@MetroForever
NO WAY.
@PrideTape
WAY.
@HockeyWatcher
This explains SO MUCH.
@InternetDetective
THE STARING.
@PuckBunny613
THE WAY ILYA ALWAYS DEFENDED SHANE IN INTERVIEWS.
@StatsGirl99
THE FACT THAT ILYA KNOWS SHANE’S ENTIRE PRE-GAME ROUTINE.
@HockeyInsider_97
Did Ilya join Ottawa to be closer to Shane???
@ScottHunter
The fact that Ilya flew to Montreal during his bye week because Shane texted “bad day”.
@EntireInternet
WHAT?????
@ShaneHollander
Scott.
@ScottHunter
What? It’s public now apparently.
@IlyaRozanov
He sounded sad, yes.
@RoseLandry
One time Shane forgot his noise-cancelling headphones during a road trip and Ilya bullied an equipment manager into driving two hours to get them.
@LucaHaas
Oh that was YOU?
@EvanDykstra
I thought we were transporting classified military technology.
@IlyaRozanov
Headphones ARE important.
@ShaneHollander
Thank you again for that.
@InternetDetective
THIS IS THE MOST ROMANTIC THING I’VE EVER READ.
@TroyBarrett
One time Shane reorganized Ilya’s kitchen because “the spices were stressful”.
@WyattHayes27
And Ilya looked at him like he hung the moon.
@IlyaRozanov
He alphabetized everything. Was hottest thing I ever saw, yes.
@EntireInternet
SIR.
@ShaneHollander
I’m deleting my account.
@RoseLandry
No you’re not. You still use the same profile picture from 2017 because changing it feels “incorrect”.
@ShaneHollander
That was said in confidence.
@AutisticSportsFan
Honestly that’s the most relatable thing he’s ever said.
@PrideTape
I love Shane Hollander actually.
@OttawaPride
COME TO OTTAWA WE HAVE QUIET COFFEE SHOPS.
@IlyaRozanov
And good blanket stores.
@ShaneHollander
How do you know that.
@IlyaRozanov
Research.
@ScottHunter
He means nesting.
@IlyaRozanov
Hunter please stop helping internet.
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@NHLBreaking
League sources indicate Shane Hollander is expected to join the Ottawa Centaurs next season in a major trade currently nearing completion.
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@EntireInternet
HOLY SHIT.
@MetrosFaithful
WHY WOULD HE LEAVE???
@AnonymousReply
Maybe because Montreal team spent years making gay jokes about him.
@MetroForever
Not all of us.
@PrideTape
Enough of you.
@CanuckHockeyGirl
Honestly good for him if Ottawa feels safer.
@OttawaPride
OTTAWA LOVES YOU SHANE.
@ShaneHollander
Thank you.
@IlyaRozanov
Careful. Ottawa fans adopt people aggressively, yes.
@OttawaPride
Correct.
@HaydenPike
Love you, Hollzy. Proud of you always.
@JackiePike
The kids say Uncle Shane deserves extra cookies tonight.
@ShaneHollander
Tell them thank you please.
@IlyaRozanov
See? Good with children also. 😘
@InternetDetective
ILYA IS ALREADY TALKING LIKE A HUSBAND.
@HaydenPike
“Already.”
@EntireInternet
WAIT.
@EntireInternet
WAIT WAIT WAIT.
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@ShaneHollander
Hi.
I’m gay.
I know a lot of people already figured that out tonight.
I’m also married to Ilya Rozanov.
We’ve been together since before our rookie season and married for two years.
I never planned to tell the internet like this. I actually had a color-coded outline prepared for a quieter announcement later, but apparently that’s not happening now.
I’m not ashamed of who I am. I just got used to being careful.
Rose helped me a lot when I was younger and confused, and I’m grateful to her for being kind to me during that time.
A lot of people in hockey were kind too. Some weren’t.
Leaving Montreal is complicated, but I want to be somewhere I can live honestly.
Ottawa feels safe.
Also, I missed my husband.
Shane
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@EntireInternet
😭😭😭😭😭
@PrideTape
“color-coded outline” oh Shane honey.
@PuckBunny613
WAIT THEY’RE REALLY MARRIED???
@IlyaRozanov
Yes. We have rings and everything.
@AutisticSportsFan
THE COLOR-CODED OUTLINE. I FEEL SO SEEN.
@PuckAndPride
“Also, I missed my husband” DESTROYED ME.
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@IlyaRozanov
Hello internet.
Yes I am bisexual.
Yes Shane is my husband.
No this was not planned.
I love Shane very much, yes.
I love his freckles and his quiet brain and the way he taps fingers four times before games because routine matters.
I love that he eats same breakfast every travel day.
I love that he apologizes to chairs after bumping into them.
I love that he needs grocery stores organized in correct direction or becomes spiritually upset.
He is smartest person I know.
Also prettiest.
And bravest.
People think quiet men are weak sometimes. They are wrong.
Shane survived hockey culture for years while staying soft and kind anyway.
I joined Ottawa because it put me closer to him.
I regret nothing.
Ilya
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@EntireInternet
I AM SOBBING.
@BiHockeyFan
“quiet brain” DESTROYED ME.
@PrideTape
THIS IS THE MOST ROMANTIC NHL DISASTER EVER.
@OttawaPride
OTTAWA GOT THE BEST PLAYER IN THE LEAGUE AND A POWER COUPLE???
@IlyaRozanov
Power couple sounds like electricity accident, yes.
@CliffMarlow
Finally. I was tired of pretending these idiots were subtle. I thought they’d get exposed in like 2016 honestly.
@LucaHaas
Wait THEY thought they were subtle???
@WyattHayes27
Ilya literally stares at Shane like a Victorian widow seeing her husband return from war.
@EvanDykstra
One time Shane fixed Ilya’s collar before an interview and Roz forgot how English worked for twenty minutes.
@IlyaRozanov
Was important collar moment, yes.
@CoachWiebe
I knew during my first week coaching him.
@InternetDetective
COACH???
@CoachWiebe
Captains usually do not look at each other like that during game film.
@TroyBarrett
Coach once banned Ilya from talking about Shane during practice.
@CoachWiebe
He was distracted.
@IlyaRozanov
Shane had haircut that day.
@EntireInternet
AAAAAAAAAA
@HaydenPike
Honestly the funniest part is Shane thinking he hid this successfully.
@JackiePike
Sweetheart he once smiled at a text from Ilya for forty straight minutes.
@ShaneHollander
It was a funny text.
@HaydenPike
It said “saw duck today. reminded me of you”.
@EntireInternet
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN.
@IlyaRozanov
Duck was organized and polite.
@ShaneHollander
That’s actually very nice.
@RoseLandry
See this is why nobody could stop them.
@PuckBunny613
I can’t believe the NHL accidentally produced soulmates.
@WyattHayes27
Team group chat is unreadable rn.
@TroyBarrett
Roz has sent 47 heart emojis.
@LucaHaas
48 now.
@ScottHunter
Proud of you both.
@InternetDetective
HOW DID WE MISS THIS.
@IlyaRozanov
Everyone knew except internet somehow.
@OttawaPride
OTTAWA WON EVERYTHING TONIGHT.
@MetrosFaithful
Still hurts losing Shane.
@AnonymousReply
Maybe next time don’t make queer players feel unwanted.
@PrideTape
Exactly.
@OttawaPride
Meanwhile Ottawa already planning giant wedding anniversary parade.
@IlyaRozanov
No parade please. Shane hates loud surprise things.
@ShaneHollander
Thank you.
@OttawaPride
Okay quiet respectful parade.
@IlyaRozanov
With maybe little confetti.
@ShaneHollander
Minimal confetti.
@IlyaRozanov
Negotiations ongoing, yes.
@InternetDetective
I USED TO THINK THEY HATED EACH OTHER BECAUSE OF THE CHIRPING.
@TroyBarrett
No that’s just flirting in hockey.
@WyattHayes27
Honestly if someone calls you ugly in practice there’s like 60% chance they’re in love with you.
@LucaHaas
Canadian courtship ritual.
@IlyaRozanov
Ottawa already preparing blanket pile for him, yes.
@ShaneHollander
Please stop telling people about the blanket pile.
@LucaHaas
THERE’S A BLANKET PILE???
@WyattHayes27
HOW MANY BLANKETS.
@IlyaRozanov
Enough.
@TroyBarrett
That answer somehow makes it worse.
@CoachWiebe
Everyone go to sleep.
@EvanDykstra
Coach they’ve been secretly married for two years. Nobody is sleeping.
@ScottHunter
Wait.
@ScottHunter
You mean to tell me I sat through appr. twelve years of yearning, mutual pining, dramatic eye contact, and “accidental” matching winter coats…
@ScottHunter
… and these idiots got married BEFORE telling me officially?
@IlyaRozanov
You talk too much, Hunter, yes.
@ScottHunter
I’m going to fight both of you.
@ShaneHollander
That seems unnecessary.
@ScottHunter
I attended your wedding in spirit and didn’t even know it.
@RoseLandry
Honestly that should be on a Hallmark card.
@PuckCentral
This is the greatest night in hockey history.
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@OttawaCentaurs
One final update before everyone logs off:
Please welcome Shane Hollander to Ottawa. ❤️
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@IlyaRozanov
Already welcomed him. Many times, yes. 😏😏😏
@ShaneHollander
Ilya.
@CoachWiebe
Goodnight internet.
@TroyBarrett
Coach he’s smiling at his phone again.
@CoachWiebe
I know.
@EntireInternet
GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY.