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Language wasn’t Hirose’s best subject, but based on his studies, he felt there was something almost poetic about being dumped next to the garbage.
When Hirose got to school that day, he felt depressed in a way that was both familiar and worse than usual. It had been a growing mood for a while and he wasn’t sure how to handle it. It wasn’t class or his teachers. It wasn’t his assignments. Takeuchi had been manageable lately, and Hirose had been having fun with all his other friends.
The only difference in his routine lately was all the time he was spending with Hana, his girlfriend. Only, rather than being enjoyable, like such a relationship was probably supposed to be, at least according to boys like Takeuchi, who never shut up about girls, it was frustrating.
Hana had asked to go out with Hirose, and Hirose knew that he’d be an idiot to turn down a girl as nice and pretty as her, especially when they worked together at school for class council. And he’d thought it would help with his weird moods lately, some of which predated the dating. After all, Hirose had been hanging out with more people lately, so maybe he just needed to hang out with the right person. He’d been happier when Nakamura had helped him realize being where he always was, wasn’t necessarily the right thing to do, after all.
But it was possible the person he needed to be around wasn’t Hana. She wasn’t a bad person: she was smart, friendly, and liked Hirose. She was even polite to his friends. But Hirose increasingly didn’t like her intruding on his life. Because that’s what she was: an intrusion. Always butting in at school, before and afterward. Asking him questions, pushing for more than she had… And given this was his first attempt at such a relationship, Hirose wasn’t quite sure how to make her happy, or to let her know he was struggling. Because what if she thought he was blaming her?
So it got to the point that whenever he saw her at his classroom door, he had to restrain himself from finding some excuse to leave. Because at least when she wasn’t around, he could pretend the problem – whatever it was – wasn’t there.
He didn’t know who to talk to about it, either. Some of the guys he knew were dating someone or had dated someone, and it seemed so easy for them, and all of them had to start somewhere, like him. But other than Takeuchi’s pathetic attempts at dating, no one else seemed to have the same issues. Hirose assumed the stuff he struggled with was just… something you figured out. And clearly, he was failing. But searching online didn’t help, either. Hirose wasn’t going to change his entire personality for one person, which seemed to be what was necessary.
He liked messing around, playing video games, listening to AquaPet, and watching silly TV. That didn’t seem to be what Hana was into, though.
At the end of the day, as Hana pulled him aside to talk, Hirose knew the whole situation was unfair to her, too. He just couldn’t be the person she wanted. And she told him as much. He was mostly grateful she’d taken initiative about it, again. Just like she’d been the one to confess in the first place. Hirose had only ever treated her like a peer before then.
A better boyfriend would have figured out what was wrong or how they could make it work. But all Hirose felt, listening to her talk, was a strange sense of near calm and resignation.
And then Nakamura popped around the corner, carrying full trash bags. He was so clearly surprised to see them there, and it was obvious he was startled about it, as he quietly set the trash bags down, while Hana tried to grab Hirose’s attention again.
Hirose smiled, thinking shy Nakamura probably felt as uncomfortable as they did, and Hana said, with some clear exasperation, “You never smile like that around me anymore.”
“Huh?” Hirose asked as he looked back at her in surprise. He supposed he’d been rude, paying attention to someone else while Hana was trying to have a serious conversation.
But she was smiling sadly at him and said, “You’re not as fun as I thought you’d be, Aiki-kun. But you might be… with someone else.”
Hirose wondered if he should be insulted. No one had ever told him he wasn’t fun.
But I didn’t make things very fun for her, did I? He thought.
He watched her walk off, wondering what she meant about him finding someone else. If this was his first experience with dating, it didn’t bode well for him. And it wasn’t like he was angling for a girlfriend or anything. Hana had just been something new. Something different.
Maybe I’m better off alone, he thought. He had his friends if he needed them. And speaking of…
He turned a corner and saw Nakamura still walking slowly and quietly away. And something about the sight made Hirose grin. They’d had fun lately, hadn’t they?
Hirose jogged forward and lightly slapped Nakamura on the back, startling him.
“I got dumped!” Hirose said with a grin, feeling oddly glad to say it.
“Huh?” Nakamura asked, surprised.
“Seriously,” Hirose continued as they walked together, easily falling in step with each other like they were walking to or from school, “I don’t get girls!” He didn’t feel like he’d learned much about them from the whole experience. Or at least about dating them. They said experience was useful, but what had this taught him, really?
“Wait,” Nakamura said, slowly, “your girlfriend dumped you?” He sounded so shocked.
I should probably be more surprised it took so long, Hirose thought. “Yeah, she said I was no fun.”
“N-No fun?” Nakamura stammered, clearly still surprised. It was kind of strange, chatting with someone who was taller than Hirose again, given Hirose was always looking down at Hana. But it was never intimidating with Nakamura, who was always a bit nervous and energetic in the rare moments he spoke. He didn’t push, and he had a gentle, warm smile when he was happy.
And he’d listened to Hirose’s nonsense time and again. It made Hirose daring.
“She said I wasn’t as fun as she thought,” Hirose said. It sounded bad aloud, and he supposed he should be ashamed. But it wasn’t like he hadn’t tried! Sure, he’d been a bit standoffish in the end, but he and Hana had walked together a lot, gone out to eat, and he’d bought her food and listened to her talk about her day. They’d texted each other a bit, too. Maybe he wasn’t the most energetic about it, but… he’d been around, hadn’t he?
She knew I wasn’t all there, Hirose thought, morosely. But why wait so long?
“I don’t get it, really,” he said, instead, too embarrassed to explain more. “I mean… what was she expecting from me?” How well did she know him, really, even if they chatted at school meetings? Hirose was always hanging out with other boys in his free time, not chasing girls like Takeuchi or some of their other classmates. Perhaps Hana was the one who should have chosen wiser.
When Nakamura was silent, Hirose felt a little more nervous.
“Right?” Hirose asked, a bit brightly. Trying to convince himself it wasn’t just him who’d chosen wrong. After all, he and Hana were in the same age group. He wasn’t the only one who needed to know what they were doing. If he hadn’t been happy… surely Hana had done something wrong, too? Even if it was only choosing to be with Hirose in the first place. After all, no one else asked him out.
Nakamura had a faraway expression on his face as he slowly said, “She… obviously didn’t understand your charm.” He smiled softly as he met Hirose’s gaze.
Hirose’s eyes widened in surprise as he met Nakamura’s warm gaze. My charm? I have charms? Sure, Hirose knew he wasn’t bad to look at, and he had lots of friends, but… Well, obviously his charm wasn’t enough to win over Hana. He’d been screwing up somehow. Nakamura had seen it: Hirose had been so non-charming that he’d been dumped by the trash.
“You’re not as fun as I thought you’d be, Aiki.”
He’s right, Hirose thought. Hana didn’t understand me at all. And it wasn’t like Hana hadn’t tried. But her efforts had never managed to get through to him. They just… made things harder. Perhaps if they’d understood each other better, things might have changed. But Hirose hadn’t given her the chance. He hadn’t wanted to.
“A-Ah!” Nakamura said, suddenly flustered. His face was red and he looked nervous, almost like Hana had. “I mean, well! A-Are you sad? You must be, right?”
It was the first time someone had asked him that question since Hirose had started being with Hana. Everyone assumed he was happy. After all, he was dating a pretty girl. What could be wrong?
Nakamura looked at Hirose nervously, but didn’t step away. It didn’t seem like he was just saying something to say something, either.
Hirose remembered the way Nakamura had talked to him by the water on the trip. Or listened to the suggestion about the hot chocolate. He was quiet, but thoughtful. And he cared. And Hirose owed him honesty. Honesty that Hirose didn’t feel comfortable with around Hana or his other friends.
“No, not really,” Hirose said. “It was kind of stressful, actually.” Moments like this made him think of coming clean about Takeuchi. Or talking about crushes in the gym closet. So many of these moments happened around Nakamura. Because Nakamura made it easy.
“A guy I can talk about lots of stuff with might be better, honestly,” Hirose joked, half to himself. Hana had said he might be better with someone else, hadn’t she? Maybe she’d chosen wrong, but so had he. It was like night and day being around Nakamura and Hana. Heck, it was better than when he’d just been around his other guy friends…
Hirose was already happier than he’d been in a while.
Hirose blinked, and looked up at Nakamura, who was gazing down at him in surprise. The sunlight from above made his pale cheeks warm.
Hirose realized what he’d just said and his face heated. “I mean… don’t tell anyone I said that, sorry.”
Nakamura’s eyebrows rose. “I… O-Okay.” Nakamura glanced around and then back at Hirose. “But there’s nothing wrong with that. What you said. About uh… About a guy maybe being better.”
Hirose’s eyebrows rose in surprise. He’s fine with comments like that?
Nakamura looked away from Hirose, clearly a bit flustered again. “I mean… If that’s… Maybe I’m reading too deeply into it… But you know… There’s nothing wrong with it… If it’s what you wanted.” He looked at Hirose and then away again.
Hirose blinked in surprise, and then said, jokingly, “I’m not trying to flirt with you, Nakamura. You don’t have to act so alarmed.” He knew plenty of guys took such things really badly. He didn’t think Nakamura would be one of them: he was far too quiet. But everyone had layers.
Nakamura stiffened and looked back at Hirose. “No, that’s not what I—! I mean… I wouldn’t… If you were…” He grimaced and looked away. Then he looked back at Hirose. “I’m not bothered by that. Even if you were. I would be… really flattered.” His expression seemed more intense. “Really, really flattered.”
Soft wind seemed to blow around them, ruffling Hirose’s clothes.
“If you were,” Nakamura repeated. “Because I… I…” Hirose saw he was trembling.
Nakamura…? Hirose wondered. He thought back to when Nakamura had put his all forward to ask to be friends. But they were already friends, what could Nakamura be asking for now?
“I would be… really flattered.”
Hirose’s eyes widened in surprise. Does he…?
But whatever Nakamura saw in Hirose’s expression seemingly made Nakamura’s expression crumple, and then he forced a smile.
It would have been strange if Hirose hadn’t seen Nakamura force expressions before, like when he’d hidden his love of octopus. Perhaps someone else wouldn’t have known something was going on at all.
“I mean, never mind,” Nakamura continued with a nod of his head. “It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it. I’m sorry about Hana. And how hard it’s been for you. Any time you want to talk, I’ll listen…” He was nearly babbling now.
“Nakamura?” Hirose asked, worried.
“I should… go finish cleaning up,” Nakamura said before he literally dashed away.
Hirose stared after him, realizing that he, Hirose, had definitely just done the same thing he’d done with Hana: not been there for someone who needed him.
But there was no sense of calm this time at being turned away. Only a nervous anxiety. And as he walked back into the school – where Nakamura was completely absent – the anxiety only got worse.
He got up to his homeroom floor and gazed out over the empty school, wondering what he should do.
Should I apologize? Hirose wondered. But he hadn’t done anything wrong, had he? And if Nakamura was unhappy with Hirose somehow, well, wasn’t it best to let him sort things out without Hirose making things worse?
“That’s a long face you got there, kid,” Mr. Otogiri said from nearby, drawing Hirose’s attention. The teacher had walked down the hall and was holding a can of coffee.
Great, Hirose thought, someone I definitely can’t explain this stuff to. It would just sound silly, no matter how he tried to look at it. Hirose looked back outside, pretending he was busy.
But Mr. Otogiri didn’t take the hint. Instead, he said, “I get it. It’s a pain, huh?”
“What is?” Hirose asked, surprised the older man had figured things out so quickly. Maybe he had the secrets Hirose was lacking.
“Everything,” Mr. Otogiri replied.
That almost made Hirose laugh. “It’s not that bad,” Hirose said. The world wasn’t falling apart. Only Hirose was falling apart. What had he nearly said? What had Nakamura nearly said?
And what did Hirose do about it?
“Really?” Mr. Otogiri asked, clearly curious.
You’re no help, Hirose thought with some frustration.
“You want to be alone?” Mr. Otogiri asked in the silence.
And Hirose ordinarily would have said yes. But being around Nakamura had made Hirose feel better, so surely that wasn’t true. “No, not particularly.”
“Is it girl trouble?”
Hirose’s face burned. Everyone was going to think he was upset about Hana! And it sounded so pathetic when Mr. Otogiri said it! So Hirose was a mess, so what! “H-Huh?! Nooo!”
Otogiri made a knowing noise and said, “Ohh, I see.”
Hirose ordinarily liked his teacher, but he kind of hated the guy then. Why do adults have to act like they know so much?
But the more Hirose thought about it, the more it seemed like maybe Mr. Otogiri was the right person to talk to. After all, he was an adult. And he’d lived a life. He had experiences that Hirose didn’t know about.
“When you had your first girlfriend,” Hirose started. He frowned, wondering what to say. What if he never had a girlfriend? But that’d be weird… A guy like him surely would have had at least one. “What… was it like?”
“Mmm…” Mr. Otogiri said as he leaned against the window next to Hirose. “I’m not sure what you mean. What was what like?”
“Being around her,” Hirose said, not really knowing what to ask about either. “Was it easy?” People are too complicated.
“I don’t know that any relationship is ever easy,” Mr. Otogiri replied.
Hirose grimaced. Well that’s not helpful. “Doesn’t seem worth it, then.”
“The good ones are worth it,” Mr. Otogiri said. “When you find the right person.”
“But how do you know it’s the right person?” Hirose asked, feeling desperate. Clearly Hana wasn’t right for him. Or was it Hirose who was wrong for everyone?
And was that what he wanted? He’d walked over so quickly to Nakamura, as if his life depended on it. And he’d end up ruining something he didn’t fully understand. And it bothered him.
“Hard to say,” Mr. Otogiri replied. “I’m having trouble in that department, too. But I think… someone who makes you happy. And comfortable, maybe. Someone who maybe isn’t precisely easy, but makes you feel easy? If that’s what you want?”
Hirose wasn’t sure how helpful that was. But the anxious feeling came back as his mind conjured up the one person in his life who made him feel that way.
“If you were… Because I… I…”
What was he going to say? Hirose thought, feeling desperate now. He needed to know. And he felt that if he just let it go, if he ignored it… things would be worse.
He remembered Nakamura’s crumpled expression. The forced smile. The sad way Nakamura had been crouching on the floor in the aquarium.
I won’t let that happen again, Hirose thought.
“Don’t stay here all night,” Mr. Otogiri said. “Go live your life.”
Hirose nodded and said, “Thank you, sensei.” He bowed, making Mr. Otogiri laugh, and then ran off, not caring that a teacher saw him. Mr. Otogiri wouldn’t call him out for it, and he didn’t.
He caught up to Nakamura as the other boy was heading out with his bag in tow.
“Nakamura!” Hirose called, startling the taller boy.
“H-Hirose?” Nakamura asked, surprised. He clutched his bag, nervous.
And in that moment, Hirose wondered if he had things wrong again. If he was maybe screwing up in another way. He’d been with Hana for half a month, after all, and never figured things out.
But he’d known Nakamura for a while now, and he refused to back away out of fear.
“Walk home with me?” Hirose asked, since he didn’t know where to start. Walking together will give me time to think.
“Uh… s-sure,” Nakamura replied.
Hirose smiled and then went back to get his stuff, quickly, before the other boy ran off again. But when he returned, Nakamura was right where Hirose left him. He hadn’t brought his bike that day, which made things easier.
Hirose fell in beside him as they left the school. It was familiar at this point because they walked home so often. And Hirose wondered when he’d started taking this for granted, especially since he’d been walking home with Hana so much lately.
I missed this, Hirose realized. It relaxed his racing heart a bit.
“Someone who maybe isn’t precisely easy, but makes you feel easy? If that’s what you want?”
Hirose bit at his lip, and realized they’d been walking in silence for a while.
Nakamura hadn’t said anything at all. But then, he rarely started conversations. He was always very quiet until someone else got him talking. It was part of why it had been so surprising to see him on a stage in front of a live audience for Tamura’s play.
Nakamura is brave all the time, Hirose thought, especially if he really almost confessed to me. Hirose breathed in and straightened his shoulders. I owe him more than being ignored.
He stepped off a curb and his bag jangled, making the crab charm attached to it smack his sleeve. He glanced at it in surprise, and then smiled.
“I love this, you know,” Hirose said. When Nakamura looked at him in confusion, Hirose showed him the little charm. “It’s so cute.”
Nakamura’s cheeks grew red, and he smiled.
“I’m worried it’ll break if I have it on too much,” Hirose said. He’d seen that happen with Saho’s stuff sometimes, and she was always upset about it. She’d even teased him when she saw him with the keychain, though he ignored it as usual. “But… you’ll have to get me a new one if it does. Or help me repair it.”
“S-Sure,” Nakamura said. His smile grew a little warmer. “I’d be happy to.”
Hirose worried his lip a little more, then said, “Because it’s not just the keychain I like, you know.”
“O-Oh?”
“It’s that it came from you,” Hirose said. He stopped and looked at Nakamura, meeting his gaze. “That’s a big reason why I like it.”
Nakamura gazed down at him in surprise. His lips were slightly parted. And it was like that moment by the water, where his hair was lit by the sunset.
“Because I like you, Nakamura,” Hirose said. It rang true in his chest. Truer than anything he’d been saying for a while.
Nakamura’s eyes widened even more. His hand on his bag tightened.
Hirose felt the anxious feeling in his chest rise. Was this how Hana felt when she confessed to me?
“Really?” Nakamura asked, which at least wasn’t a no.
“Yeah,” Hirose said with a grin. “Really. I really like you.”
Nakamura’s eyes grew abruptly wet, which was a bit alarming. “You really…? Really?”
“A-Are you crying?” Hirose asked, more alarmed.
Nakamura sniffed and swiped a hand over his face. “Sorry, I just… Am I dreaming? This is a dream, right?”
“No, it’s not a dream,” Hirose said, confused. “You dream about me confessing to you?”
“Yeah, actually,” Nakamura said. Then he flinched. “I mean, not if it’s weird, or…” He clearly didn’t know what to say.
Hirose hadn’t been confessed to, much, but the idea that Nakamura had imagined it… Hirose grinned and asked, “How did it go in your dream?”
Nakamura winced and looked away. “I was a lot cooler, and… it was easier. And I made you happy. And…” He babbled a bit unintelligibly.
“You do make me happy,” Hirose said as he stepped forward with a grin. “You have for a while.”
Nakamura gazed down at him in wonder, like Hirose was somehow amazing, even when he’d just been running after Nakamura this whole time. “Really?”
“You were the first person to notice I was unhappy,” Hirose said. “And I always feel better when we hang out.” He reached out and grabbed Nakamura’s collar, so the guy didn’t just run off again. “What about you?”
“I’m always happy when I’m around you,” Nakamura said, quietly. He didn’t pull away from Hirose’s grip. “Always.” There was heat in his voice. Desperation.
Hirose’s chest was burning in response, with something like happiness. “Okay. So… Wanna go out with me?” Perhaps it was inelegant. But Nakamura was the language expert, not Hirose.
A series of emotions went rapid-fire through Nakamura’s face, and then he quickly nodded. “Yes! Yes, I do!”
Hirose grinned and said, “Okay.”
Nakamura hesitantly reached up and put his right hand on Hirose’s left wrist, but didn’t move Hirose’s arm. He continued looking down at Hirose in wonder. And his eyes were still wet.
Guess this wasn’t entirely happy, Hirose thought, worried about screwing this up, too. It wasn’t quite a romantic ending. And he wanted to make Nakamura happier. So he pushed himself up on his tiptoes and lightly pressed his lips to Nakamura’s.
Kissing had been something Hana wanted to do, and Hirose had never been into it. But with Nakamura, it seemed so simple, even as it was scary.
It was brief, and Nakamura stiffened.
Hirose quickly lowered himself down. As first kisses went, it probably wasn’t all that good. “Sorry…” He wondered if he’d overstepped, letting his excitement run away with him like he had at Polpo Garden.
“No, that’s—!” Nakamura grabbed Hirose’s face, and he seemed ready to make up with his own kiss. Given his face was a wet mess, it seemed a bit desperate.
But Hirose was ready.
So he was surprised when Nakamura instead just pulled Hirose’s head to his neck, and then lowered his hands so that he could wrap his arms around Hirose, and hug the shorter boy close.
Hirose stared ahead, confused. Nakamura was warm against him, and a little sweaty. He smelled faintly of shampoo and clothing detergent.
“If you’re struggling,” Nakamura said, “I’d do even worse! And I don’t want to ruin it!”
He’s nervous, Hirose realized. Of course that was obvious, but… Knowing Nakamura also didn’t just know these things was world changing.
Hirose didn’t have to be alone even in this. And Nakamura knew he wasn’t alone, either, because Hirose could be honest with him.
“I’m so happy,” Nakamura said, hugging Hirose tight.
Hirose wrapped his arms around Nakamura, hugging him close, as well. He smiled. “Me too.” He wondered if he could get used to the feeling, or if things would always be like this.
“It was a good kiss, though,” Nakamura reassured him.
Hirose laughed. He’s a good guy, really.
“I mean it,” Nakamura insisted, squeezing Hirose a little tighter before he let go and pulled back. He was almost pouting now. “If I weren’t such a mess, I mean…”
“We can try again later,” Hirose said with a grin.
Nakamura’s face went even pinker.
“Wanna come back to my place?” Hirose asked. “Or… maybe we could go to your place? I want to meet your octopus.”
Nakamura quickly nodded. “Whichever you’d like.”
Hirose thought about it and said, “My place, then. Saho’s working, so we can talk.” After a second he added, “And maybe… try kissing again.” It had to be something they could both figure out.
Nakamura’s face still burned, but he fell in step with Hirose again as they turned back to walking.
Hirose reached out for Nakamura’s hand, like Hana had done all the times they’d walked together. At least I learned something, I suppose.
Nakamura squeezed Hirose’s hand back, rather tightly, and Hirose winced, but it was nice to know he wasn’t screwing up. That Nakamura really did want this.
Not everything has to be easy, Hirose thought as they walked together. But it’s worth it.