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Shane hated it. He hated loving Ilya so much and not even knowing when this amazing man was born.
Ilya hated his birthday. Since he had turned 12, he hated it. It was nothing worth celebrating for him, not since his mother had died. Nobody had ever thought about him on his birthday since his mother wasn’t there anymore. It had stopped being special when the person who had made it special had stopped living.
Ilya had learned to ignore his birthday. It wasn’t special to be one day older than the day before. It was just a number that changed, nothing else. Since nobody ever thought of him on his birthday in the past 13 years, he thought it was best to ignore that day, too.
Whenever Shane asked about his birthday, Ilya turned him down, or he just changed the topic.
Until now, Shane found out details about Ilya’s birthday when either Ilya corrected him about his age or when he witnessed Ilya answering the question of how old he was. These hints made it possible for Shane to narrow it down to some day in June or July. He had secretly taken notes whenever he had noticed Ilya talking about himself as one year older.
So at the beginning of June, Shane decided to ask again. He would try whenever he could. Someday Ilya would have to tell him, right?
“Hey, uhm….” Shane bit his lips insecurely. This seemed like the perfect moment to ask about it. They lay in bed together; Ilya was utterly relaxed and satisfied after Shane had just sucked the soul out of his body through his dick.
Ilya turned his head to Shane when he broke the silence, waiting, expecting him to continue.
“One year is over since the last time I asked. And I am not giving up.” Shane gently kissed Ilya’s forehead.
Ilya sighed. “June 15th,” he said.
Shane frowned, confused. “What?”
“My birthday. That was your question, no?”
Shane couldn’t help the wide smile on his face. “Yeah,” he admitted and hugged Ilya tighter. “Thank you for telling me.”
Ilya didn’t smile, just sighed and snuggled closer to Shane. “I cannot keep it from you forever.”
“No. You shouldn’t. I love you. I want to celebrate the day you were born.”
“Is nothing to celebrate, really.”
Shane swallowed. He hated hearing Ilya so bitter. Especially because he had been so happy and relaxed only a few seconds before. Shane was happy to know Ilya’s birthday now, but he felt bad for ruining the mood.
“It is something to celebrate.” He tried to push Ilya away gently to make him look at him. At first Ilya didn’t let him, but eventually he reluctantly let go of Shane to look at him.
“It is absolutely a reason to celebrate that you are here on earth for me to love. Your existence makes my life better, Ilya. And I don’t want to miss any other of your birthdays anymore. So… thank you for telling me when it is.”
Ilya swallowed hard, tears burning in his eyes.
Gently Shane lifted his hand and wiped a tear from Ilya’s cheek with his thumb. Just like he always did.
“Ya tebya lyublyu, Ilyusha. Never forget that, okay?”
Ilya’s heart jumped at that. It meant so much to him that Shane told him this in Russian so often. For some reason, he also loved being called Ilyusha by Shane.
Instead of answering verbally Ilya just kissed Shane.
He didn’t really think it made a difference that Shane knew his birthday now, but he was happy that it meant so much to his boyfriend.
---
Shane couldn’t sleep. He was so excited that he woke up at 4 AM, barely able to resist getting up right then. It was the morning of the 15th of June. Ilya’s birthday. And Shane was determined to make this one the best he’d ever had since he was 12. He was determined to show his boyfriend that his birthday was a day to celebrate, that it was something he could look forward to again. That he was worthy enough of being celebrated. Ilya was the most important person in Shane’s life, and the fact that Ilya thought he wasn’t important enough to be thought of at his birthday broke his heart. But that was going to change today.
Shane waited another hour before he simply couldn’t stay still anymore. He wasn’t going back to sleep again anyways. He knew he wouldn’t have to rush; his boyfriend was a sleeper. Ilya was never awake before 10 at the earliest. But Shane just wanted to make sure everything was perfect before Ilya woke up.
The first thing he did was defrost the cake that had been chilling in the freezer the past 5 days. Shane wasn’t really a baker, so this was from his mom. When Shane had talked to Yuna about his plan, she had been so excited.
“I’m proud I raised this kind of man.” She had said. Seeing Shane care so deeply for Ilya just made her mom-heart so happy and proud.
The cake wasn’t overly spectacular. Chocolate and banana. But Shane knew it was going to taste good because it was his favourite cake of hers. What made the cake special was that it was baked by a mom. Not Ilya’s mom, but Shane felt like having a mom bake a cake for him might touch his heart. At least Shane hoped so.
Shane went to the basement quickly, retrieving all the stuff he had been hiding from Ilya. It hadn’t been easy to keep all the planning a secret for the past two weeks as decorations and gifts had been arriving.
Two boxes full of stuff Shane had to carry up the stairs to the living room.
He unpacked the one with the decorations first.
Shane didn’t want to make it too cheesy, but since Ilya hadn’t had a proper birthday since he was a child, Shane had a few things. The obligatory “Happy Birthday” garland in blue and silver would be hanging right over the door leading to the living room. It would be the first thing Ilya saw once he came down from the bedroom.
Then he started inflating balloons. Except for the garland, he kept the decorations in a strict colour scheme: The colours of the Boston Raiders. Only when he had tried to pick out decorations had he noticed that he had no clue what Ilya’s favourite colour was. So, he had opted for this; something that was connected to Ilya.
Shane just placed balloons everywhere he could think of. He didn’t really have a plan except to make it look like a celebration.
He even tied balloons to every chair standing around the table.
On the dining table he placed a plain white cloth.
It had taken him a bit of time to find, but eventually he had located hockey-themed confetti. He spread some of it on the table along with cheesy, heart-shaped confetti and ‘I love you’ confetti. Shane laughed a little at himself. God, who would have thought that he would ever do something like this for somebody? He really hadn’t thought of himself to be this kind of boyfriend, but all it took to turn him into one was for Ilya Rozanov to exist.
Once that was done, Shane set the table with two plates, glasses and cutlery on one end.
On the other end, he spread out Ilya’s presents. It wasn’t really much; Shane had gotten three things for Ilya. His biggest present was just to make sure that Ilya had a nice day and would feel loved and cherished. Shane felt like Ilya needed that much more than materialistic things.
It was 8 AM when Shane looked at his phone the next time. He was almost done. The cake had defrosted enough for him to be able to decorate it. He put a few candles on top of it and a ‘Happy Birthday’ sign.
Shane knew he would have to put the cake back in the fridge eventually because they wouldn’t eat it until the afternoon, but he wanted it on the table for Ilya to see first thing in the morning.
It belonged on the birthday table, so Shane placed it there for now. He quickly went to brush his teeth – he had forgotten in his eagerness. Then he slipped into his shoes and jogged to the bakery for fresh buns for breakfast.
An hour later he silently cracked open the bedroom door.
Ilya was still peacefully sleeping on his back, one arm stretched out over Shane’s side of the bed, the other hand resting on his slowly rising and falling chest. It was hot in the bedroom, the air thick from the night, so Shane slowly went to open the window first before sitting down next to his boyfriend.
“Baby…” he whispered, gently touching Ilya’s hand on his chest. The man barely reacted. Shane laughed to himself.
He leaned down to place soft kisses over his boyfriend’s chest, up his neck, until Shane could gently brush his lips against Ilya’s.
“What is happening?” Ilya grumbled, too tired to open his eyes right away. He yawned and stretched before blinking at Shane tiredly. “What time is it?”
Shane smirked. “Time to get up,” he said.
Ilya rolled his eyes. Blindly, he reached for his phone to look at the time, and his eyes immediately dropped to the date.
Shane could see the way Ilya’s face darkened, but he said nothing yet. Just kissed him again.
“Come on. I made breakfast.”
“Don’t want. Eat without me.” Ilya rolled away, attempting to pull the blanket over his head, but of course Shane didn’t let him.
“Get up, baby,” he insisted.
Ilya rolled his eyes once again. Why didn’t Shane understand that he wasn’t hungry? He hated this day, he hated being woken up, he hated the good mood Shane was in.
Especially considering that Shane said absolutely nothing about today. Had he forgotten? After annoying Ilya year after year into telling him about his birthday….?
Couldn’t be as important as Shane had claimed after all.
Shane knew it was probably mean not to say anything. He didn’t do it to hurt Ilya. He just wanted Ilya to be as surprised as possible when he set foot in the living room.
“Please, Ilya.” He placed gentle kisses along Ilya’s shoulder. “Today is a good day.”
Ilya snorted. “Sure,” he said, voice dripping with sarcasm.
Shane nodded. “I promise,” he said, and got up, knowing that Ilya needed some space for a moment. He wouldn’t get him out of this mood right now. “Come downstairs. Please,” he said, before leaving Ilya alone for a moment.
Shane went downstairs, made Ilya a coffee, and poured himself some juice, placing both on the breakfast table. He was quite proud of what he had created.
And sure enough, it took about 10 minutes before he heard slow steps come down the stairs.
With a smile Shane went to the bottom of the stairs. “My grumpy man decided to get up!” He said, exaggeratingly happ.
Ilya couldn’t help but grin. At least a little.
“Sorry about earlier. Today is… not my favourite day.”
Shane wrapped his arms around Ilya. “I know what today is,” he assured and stepped aside so that Ilya could see the garland.
It was impossible to read Ilya’s expression. Something changed in his face, but Shane was unable to tell what it was.
“Come on.” He made a gesture so that Ilya understood he was supposed to go further into the living room.
And once he did… he froze. It was impossible for him to take in all at once, let alone process everything he saw.
Shane wrapped his arms around him from behind and placed a kiss on Ilya’s bare back. His boyfriend always only slept in his boxer briefs and so he had also only put on a pair of sweatpants after getting up. “You didn’t really think I forgot, did you?” A rhetorical question. It didn’t need an answer. “I could never forget.”
Ilya was unable to say anything. His eyes wandered through the room, his throat hurting from how tight it had gotten. Ilya’s heart was racing, and he was so overwhelmed he felt almost nauseous. Nobody had congratulated him in the past 13 years, let alone done something like this for him. Year after year of not feeling worthy enough to be celebrated, and now there was this wonderful, amazing man in his life, who had turned his living room into an ‘Ilya appreciation room’ in a few hours.
Shane got worried after minutes of silence. Had he… done too much?
Ilya was still frozen in place, and Shane couldn’t see his face from his position behind him, so he broke the hug to step in front of Ilya. “Is this… not okay?” He asked carefully, fearing the answer a little. Maybe he had made this day even worse for Ilya…
What he hadn’t expected was the loud sob that broke free from Ilya’s lips. And in the next moment, tears began to spill from his eyes.
“Shane…” he forced out and extended a trembling hand to him. Immediately Shane took it and let Ilya pull him into a hug. His boyfriend pressed against him tightly, obviously needing the comfort this gave him.
He sobbed quietly into the crook of Shane’s neck, his shoulders shaking here and there. Shane had no idea how to interpret this, but he just soothingly stroked Ilya’s back, waiting for him to calm down.
"I love you.” Ilya whispered. “I love you… I love you….” He kept repeating it like a mantra. And for Ilya, it felt like that was the only thing he was able to think and feel. The only thing that made sense right now.
He was so overwhelmed by what this amazing, beautiful man had done for him, that there was nothing but love left to feel. And it was totally new for Ilya to feel this way. It almost scared him. Almost. But he could deal with it. Because Shane was there to ground him. Holding him like they were two puzzle pieces belonging together. Maybe they were. Maybe that was exactly what they were.
Both lost all track of time. It felt like an eternity until Ilya pulled away, looking at Shane with slightly reddened, tear-strained eyes.
“This is more than okay,” he reassured, finally answering the question that had lingered between them for a while. “This is… I did not expect this. I am sorry.”
Shane shook his head, his eyes full of love and affection. “No, it’s okay.” He said softly, wiping away the wetness from Ilya’s cheeks. “Feel whatever you need to feel.”
“I just…” Ilya sniffled silently. “This is too much.” He shook his head. “I don’t deserve you.”
“Let me stop you right there.” Shane contradicted. “You deserve the world. If anything, it is me who doesn’t deserve you.”
Ilya laughed silently through his tears. “Bullshit, Hollander.” He pointed out. It made Shane grin that Ilya talked back a little again, that he had processed the first moment of overwhelm.
“Come on, baby. There’s so much to explore for you.” Shane dragged Ilya through the room to the table.
“Wow, Shane…” Ilya sighed. He took a closer look, picked up one of the confetti hockey sticks and laughed. “Hockey confetti?”
Ilya’s face lit up, and there was a childish spark in his eyes. Exactly what Shane had hoped to see. A happiness and excitement about his birthday that he hadn’t felt since he had been a young boy.
Ilya picked up another piece of confetti. One of the heart-shaped ones, then an ‘I love you’ one. “This is so…” Ilya stopped, making a thinking face. “What is it called when something is like… very sweet, but almost like… too sweet?”
Shane thought for a moment. “Cheesy?”
Ilya nodded. “Yes, that. But I love it.”
“Do you want to look at your presents?” Shane made a suggestive gesture with his hand.
“It’s not that much, but….”
Ilya cut him off by kissing him. “Shut up. I didn’t get any birthday presents the past 13 years. Let alone have anybody think about my birthday. This is more than enough.”
Shane smiled. “Go ahead, then.”
Ilya grabbed one of the presents lying on the end of the table. Shane really was nervous as he watched Ilya start to unwrap it. It had been a challenge to pick out things for him, because Shane wanted them to be personal.
Ilya smiled when he unfolded the hockey jersey.
Shane bit his lower lip as he watched his boyfriend. It had been difficult to find a possibility to get this, because it was a custom sweater. Eventually he had found a place that made these and sent Rose to make the order, because it would be kind of suspicious if Shane Hollander himself went there to get a jersey in the colours of the Montreal Metros and Boston Raiders with the name “Hollanov” on the back and then the number of the day they had been caught in the cottage by his dad. The day that Ilya had called Shane his boyfriend for the first time.
A wide smile spread on Shane’s face when Ilya immediately put it on. “I love this,” he said before going for the next present.
Shane laughed. This was the most unserious one he had gotten.
And Ilya also laughed loudly when he unwrapped it. “Will you put these on right away, too?” Shane joked as Ilya inspected the boxer briefs with Shane’s face all over them.
“I had the jersey custom made. But these…” He pointed to the briefs. “Are actually sold like this on the internet as ‘Merch.’” He made quotation marks with his fingers in the air.
Ilya shook his head. “I don’t know if I like imagining other men walk around with your face on their dicks.”
Shane smirked. “Just remember that they have my face printed on their briefs while you only have to ask and I’m on my knees pressing my actual face to your dick.”
Ilya laughed. “Good thought. Good thought.”
There was only an envelope left on the table now. Shane’s heart started hammering when Ilya opened it and pulled out a key.
Ilya frowned. “What is this for? Did you get a chastity cage?” He joked and Shane laughed, thankful that Ilya had picked up on how nervous he was and made a joke to make it less serious.
“It’s a spare key to the cottage,” Shane said. “I know you are rarely in Canada without visiting me, but if you needed a safe place… you can go there now. Always.”
Again, Ilya teared up. He placed the key carefully back in the envelope, before he grabbed Shane and slammed their lips together desperately. He was so overcome with emotion that this was the only way he could think of to let it out. In a kiss so passionate that Shane thought he’d feel dizzy from it.
He wrapped his arms around Ilya’s shoulders and pressed against his body.
Maybe this was the wrong moment for Ilya to want Shane, but god he did. He wanted him so much, he needed him right now. It was part of how they communicated. It was how their relationship had started and they had never stopped communicating through their bodies. It probably would have been better to also start actually talking way earlier, but whatever.
They communicated a lot verbally now, but sometimes their bodies spoke for them.
And Ilya’s made it very clear that he needed to be close to Shane badly right now.
“Please…” he whispered. “Please, I need you….”
Ilya’s sex drive was high. In the beginning Shane had thought that man was just horny 24/7 but after a while Shane had understood that it was just part of his love language. It was part of how Ilya processed emotions. Feeling close to Shane in such an intimate way kind of grounded him.
So Shane wasn’t really surprised when he felt the erection that was pressed against him.
Without hesitation Shane dropped to his knees to give Ilya what he needed - a few minutes of pure bliss in which he could just stop thinking about anything but Shane and the pleasure he gave him.
“Thank you.” Ilya kissed Shane softly once he stood up again.
Shane grinned. “Are you thanking me for the presents or for sucking your dick?”
Ilya laughed. “Both I think… maybe… Probably.”
With a shake of his head Shane laughed more, before pointing to the table. “Come on. Let’s eat. I need breakfast.”
Ilya grinned as he sat down on his seat across from Shane. “Is second breakfast for you now, no?”
“Yeah, got my daily dose of protein a few minutes ago.” Shane picked up the joke.
They ate mostly in silence. Shane could tell that Ilya took in everything around him still: his eyes wandered through the room, sparkling whenever he found something new, delighted by the little details in decorations.
“So…” Shane said as he took the plates to the kitchen.
“I don’t have much planned. Since it’s your first proper birthday in years I didn’t want to overdo it.” He took the tray from Ilya with all the things that needed to go back into the fridge.
“Is there anything in particular you want to do today?”
Ilya thought. “What… what do you usually do on birthdays?”
The question almost broke Shane’s heart. He didn’t let it show. “Oh there is no rule. I usually celebrate mine with my parents, but you know that by now. We can’t really go out, but… we could go see my parents. Spend time in their garden, the weather is nice…”
It sucked that they had to hide. Shane would love to take Ilya out for dinner.
“I want to be alone with you.” Ilya decided. “But if you want to see your parents…”
“No, I left the decision up to you for a reason.” Shane interrupted. “It is your birthday. You decide.”
Ilya smiled and nodded. “Then I want to just be here with you.”
Eventually the day turned out to be a cozy, lazy day. Maybe the best day of Ilya’s life. He was here with the man he loved more than anything in this world, lying in his arms while he told him stories about when he had been younger.
Then they watched one of Ilya’s favourite movies, before it was already time for cake.
“Did you make this?” Ilya asked with a mouth full of chocolate.
Shane shook his head.
“I uhm… I thought…” Suddenly he was nervous again, scared to ruin the mood.
“My mom made it.” He dropped the information. “I thought that… it is so long ago since a mother made cake for you and I know it can’t replace yours, but I thought having my mom make a cake for you is close enough? Or maybe it was bullshit, I’m sorry, I just thought…”
Shane was so lost in his train of thought – that made absolutely no sense – that he didn’t notice how the widest of smiles appeared on Ilya’s face.
“You had your mom make cake for me?”
Shane swallowed and nodded. “I thought… a mom-birthday-cake is obligatory today.”
“That is so….” Ilya was looking for the right word while Shane was waiting anxiously.
“That is the best thing anybody has ever done for me.”
“Really?” Shane’s face lit up. “I know my mom cannot replace yours, but… as my boyfriend my family is yours.”
“I love it, Shane. Also, it is very delicious.”
Shane laughed. “Yeah, that’s the other reason. I suck at baking. But I thought having my mom make one is better than buying one.”
Ilya just nodded in agreement and shoved another fork full of cake into his mouth.
Ilya was very talkative while he sipped his coffee and devoured the cake until suddenly his phone rang.
He looked alarmed. Shane wondered if Ilya was expecting his brother to be on the other line, even though he had made it clear that he never wanted anything to do with him anymore.
Shane watched as Ilya answered the phone and immediately his face lit up. “Oh… yes… you remembered… thank you…. Greet him back, please….” Shane heard Ilya say. He didn’t know who was on the other line until Ilya said: “Cake was amazing.”
Shane smiled widely. Of course, his mother would call Ilya. And it just added to the feeling that this day was an absolute success.
He almost had to laugh at the way Ilya’s face was beaming with happiness when he hung up. “Shane…” he said in disbelief. “Somebody remembered my birthday!”
“Of course.” Shane nodded. “That’s because the people who cherish you want to celebrate the day you came into this world.”
He got up to clear the table and put the cake back into the fridge.
Then he came back to where Ilya still sat, grabbed his hand and pulled him upright.
Shane fiddled with his phone for a second, before music started playing from his Bluetooth speakers.
He had just recently stumbled over this song, and it was cheesy as fuck, but he had thought of Ilya immediately, and now it was deeply connected to Ilya.
“Come on,” he said, pulling his boyfriend closer. “Let’s dance a little, huh?”
Ilya laughed. “Here? Alone?”
Shane nodded. “Yes. Dancing alone in the living room with your partner is romantic, you’ll see. And listen to the song. It made me think of you.”
Ilya did. Soon the soft voice of Taylor Swift filled the room, and even though Ilya didn’t catch every word, he understood the meaning of the song.
I was trying to fly, but I couldn't find wings
But you came along and you changed everything
They moved slowly, rocking back and forth together while the words filled the room. It was a beautiful song. Ilya felt like his head was spinning with love when the chorus started:
You lift my feet off the ground
You spin me around
You make me crazier, crazier
Feels like I'm falling and I
I'm lost in your eyes
You make me crazier, crazier, crazier
Was this really how Shane felt about him? Because Ilya did recognize his own feelings that he had for Shane in this song.
The song continued, word after word of pure emotion that spoke straight to Ilya’s heart.
You showed me something that I couldn't see
You opened my eyes and you made me believe
It was this part that made Ilya tear up. He leaned into Shane more, hiding his face in the crook of his boyfriend’s neck. The scent surrounding him was purely Shane. So familiar, a scent that meant home.
And even when the song was over, they stayed like this, rocking back and forth slowly.
Shane was convinced not to let go until Ilya himself did. He would hold him for as long as he needed.
“That was beautiful.” Ilya whispered and kissed Shane’s neck gently.
Shane smiled. “It is exactly how I feel about you,” he confessed. “You made my life better. So much better. Even though it took me a while to admit it to myself. Without you I wouldn’t be half as happy.”
Ilya swallowed against his tight throat. “You saved me, Hollander.” He whispered against the skin of his neck.
„Ty — ljubow wsej mojej schisni,“ Ilya whispered.
Shane had no idea what it meant, but he loved when Ilya spoke Russian. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to ask what it meant, because Ilya probably said it in Russian for a reason. But then Ilya repeated it. Translated it.
“You are the love of my life,” he whispered, pulling back from Shane’s neck to bring their lips together.
Shane was barely able to reciprocate the kiss, because he had to grin so much.
“You are mine, too.” He admitted against Ilya’s lips.
After cooking dinner together and peacefully eating, they watched another movie. But Ilya could barely wait to get to bed with Shane.
They snuggled up together talking about how this had been the best birthday since his childhood.