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Karkat Vantas wanted to die.
He needed to die, it was only fair to how he’s treated everyone. How’s he’s treated himself. It’s actually not that surprising for someone like him. “Someone like him”, and who exactly was he? A challenging, sarcastic, rude, self-conscious idiot? How about a hostile, miserable, sorry sack of nothing? Both describe him pretty well, and there’s more where that came from! He knew he was a terrible person, and he’s pretty sure everyone knew it too. Death would be fitting end to his outbursts and anger. It was only alarming to him how people can even stand to be friends with him, how his friends have stuck around for so long.
Well, some of them at least and he’s sure they did it out of guilt. Vriska had ditched everyone as soon as she got out of highschool, the last he’s heard of her is from Terezi, who has a half on half off relationship with the Scorpio. Vriska’s in jail, in Hawaii of all places. Gamzee’s also in jail, in a town in the middle of nowhere, more nowhere than everyone’s shotty hometown. The redhead Libra herself is attending law school, across the country no less, in one of the best schools in the world. Sollux is still in the same town as Karkat, the one they grew up in, doing gosh knows what. Probably hacking.
Nepeta runs a vet, or at least working at one about two towns away with Tavros, while attending the same school Aradia and Equius is. Karkat’s pretty sure Erdian is working for Kanaya, a rising fashion designer in New York. Karkat’s proud of her, and extremely thankful that she still keeps in contact with him. Feferi is living in England, she moved right after she found out she’s the heir to the throne.
Honestly, the only ones who talk regularly with Karkat are Sollux (sometimes, but that’s because Karkat used to show up at his house for hangouts, which he hasn’t done in months), and Eridan (Karkat’s pretty sure he’s the only one who can stand him). Now, the ones who talk to him for 15 minutes once a month is Terezi, Kanaya (both are really busy) and sometimes Gamzee if he’s out of the slammer. Everyone else is busy.
They just don’t care. They don't have time for him.
They shouldn’t care, they all abandoned him. They deserved better.
As of right now, Karkat was staring at the gun in his shaky hands. His thoughts were clouded and blurry, and he was having a hard time keeping the weapon steady in his grip. Tears trailed down his cheeks rapidly as he hyperventilated. Why was he doing this? His life was good, but- it just wasn’t. He wasn’t happy, wasn’t okay, wasn’t pleased with how he was. He hated himself.
He hated his body.
Ever since the day where he took one long look in the mirror, he’s been eating less and less. Nowadays he’ll feel sick if he eats anything bigger than his fist, so he’s gotten skinnier and skinnier. Thin, and pale, and short. You could count all of his ribs, his bones stuck out awkwardly, and he was a disaster waiting to happen. His hair was greasy and coarse, from the lack of washing. Deep dark bags under his eyes, because he couldn’t sleep, the nightmares would come if he did. How white his hair is, and how much money he plays to get it dyed black every single month. Money that could have gone to something more important, but no, Karkat used it to soothe his insecurities. How his skin is so translucent that when he drags a blade across it, the red contrasts so brightly that it seems like red was the only thing he was. Red. Just like his eyes, definitely not like the brown colored contacts he wears to throw everyone off.
He hated his personality.
When was the last time he was nice? When was the last time he was a joy to be around? Karkat just ruins everyone’s mood, that’s why everyone move away. They were disgusted by him, by how he’s falling and bringing everyone down with him. He’s a horrid person, weak, selfish, an attention seeking poor. He’s a pathetic person.
Everyone’s going to be so glad that he finally killed himself. Karkat’s going to be so happy, so free when this is all over.
He was doing the deed at his favorite spot.
It was the roof of the college he’s attending, most people usually don’t go up there, especially in the summer, but he does. He’s put out a soft blanket with fluffy pillows, and so he would die surrounded by his favorite things. His legs dangled off the edge, his dyed raven hair lifting up when the wind made its rounds. It’s sort of peaceful in a sense.
Karkat tried to calm himself down, he needs to be calm for this. But after stealing the gun from his brother’s boyfriend, dragging himself up here, and months of planning...It’s scary, not like anything he’s ever read in books, or seen in movies. How people were so relieved, though trust me, he really wants this. But is he actually going to go through with this? Going to blow his fricken brains out?
He is.
Karkat pulled the trigger to hard his fingers hurt, but the result is just a click. He opened his eyes, after squeezing them shut, to see if the gun had safety on.
It didn’t.
The Cancer screamed, pulling the trigger so hard that his fingers start to bleed, as jagged sobs erupt from his throat. Why? Why now?! It must be jammed! Throwing it to the side, Karkat got up, deciding to just jump for it, it was just a long enough fall to kill him. But before he could make a break for it, strong tan arms hugged his torso. Karkat screamed again, trying to break free so he could end it, end his suffering. Fighting as hard as he could, kicking, scratching, screaming. Always screaming. No one was supposed to be there on that night, the night of his birthday. It was only supposed to be him and a gun, no note, no goodbyes or anything of the sort. No would have cared anyways, no one should care about him. He doesn’t even care about him.
“STOP!”
Karkat ignored the stranger’s voice, and screamed again before collapsing on his knees, shuddering and crying until his voice hurt. He barely acknowledged the person, who was clearly much bigger than his 5’0 frame, crouching by him, holding him captive with a hug. Karkat bawled, scraping his dull nails across the arms of the man whom he was sure he didn’t know.
“LET ME GO! PLEASE LET ME!”
“C-Calm down, you’re okay.”
“SCREW OFF! YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!”
Karkat leaped forward, he was so so close to the edge, but those stupid arms yanked him back again. He can’t do this anymore, he fell back down in defeat, crying into the chest of a total stranger.
The words I’m so sorry were the last thing he heard before he fell asleep, and he knew he’ll wake up, but he still prayed he won’t. Disappointment is just something he's grown used to.