Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

The worst week of Shane Hollander’s life started out with just the small things. Ilya of course had to dislocate his knee during practice bad enough that he was going to need surgery. It wasn’t career ending or anything like that, but it sure was fucking inconvenient. He had to sleep on the couch because he could make it up the stairs to the bedroom. Shane tried to stay with him on the couch but he forced him to go upstairs. Ilya knew that Shane would wake up upset if he fell asleep cramped up on the couch with him.

Of course Shane barely slept without his husband next to him and that affected his mood during practice. Ilya had gotten a text from Barrett after practice.

Just as Barrett had said Shane came home in a mood. He seemed tense, wound up, and exhausted all at the same time.

“Hi,” he said, leaning over to kiss Ilya on the couch. It barely lasted a second before he was pulling away.

“Мой сердитый котёнок.” Ilya caught his arm and pulled him back in. “What is going on in your head right now?”

Shane frowned. “I’m not an angry kitten.” He was almost pouting when Ilya just raised an eyebrow at him, but he relented and sat down.

“I don’t know. I just feel off.” he sighed. “And it’s not just sleeping and waking up in an empty bed.” At the moment he looked over to Anya sitting guard at Ilya’s feet who had abandoned him for the Russian the night before.

“Then what is it?” Ilya pried.

“I think it might be the new meds that Justin started me on. I’ll talk to him when we get back from Dallas.”

Shane had started seeing a psychologist at the insistence of almost everyone in his life. He was unlearning some behaviors that the Voyagers had instilled in him since he was a rookie. It was only after Ilya had called Rose and got her to come to town and tell Shane that he needed to see someone that he gave in. They had found someone that specialized in neurodivergence.

Justin was already helping Shane immensely, but he had been a little resistant when Justin suggested trying medication for his anxiety. Ilya only had to remind him that he was taking antidepressants and there was no shame in the medication game.

“Are you sure you should wait that long?” Ilya gave his husband a look of concern.

“Yeah, I’m probably just being dramatic,” he said, “But I'm not sure I will survive without you.” He leaned in for another kiss.

“Yes, you will have to tell Bood you need room for phone sex.”

“I’m not saying that to him.”

“You would rather deprive yourself and your injured husband of much needed orgasm?!” Ilya gasped.

“I can deprive you of one tonight too,” Shane threatened.

“Hollander, no!” Ilya whined.

Shane chuckled before pulling him in for another kiss.

“You sure you will be okay?” Ilya asked after he pulled away.

“I’m sure.”

🏒🏒🏒

Shane had been trying to not let things get to him, but everything was overwhelming and he felt like all of his senses were turned up to eleven. All he wanted to do was curl up next to Ilya and let him make it all go away.

Instead he was on a plane silently begging for no one to come near him. He had come to love his teammates dearly, but if anyone so much as looked at him at the moment he might commit murder.

Before take off there was a group of younger players towards that back of the plane getting a little rowdy so Shane just slipped on his noise canceling headphones and prayed that he would sleep through most of the flight.

Of course his stupid over-active brain couldn’t grant him this one thing and he was exhausted by the time they touched down in Texas. Once the team got settled into their hotel rooms Bood had already stepped out of their room to call Cassie so Shane pulled out his phone to call Ilya.

“Любимый, как дела?”

“Fine.” Shane sighed as he sat down on his bed.

“Liar.” Ilya called him out.

“Everything feels like too much right now, you know?” he admitted.

“Hmm yes, you are… перегруженный?”

“Overwhelmed, yeah,” Shane confirmed.

“Can I do anything to make it better?”

“You already are.” He smiled.

“You know what might make it even better…” Ilya began suggestively.

“Ilya, I’m not having phone sex with while sharing a room with Boodram.”

He groaned. “You are so boring.”

“And you married me anyway,” Shane teased. From there the conversation devolved into loving chirps and just wanting to hear each other’s voices. At some point Bood had come back in. He ignored them aside from saying hi to Ilya when he first walked in.

And that was how Shane fell asleep: was to the sound of his husband’s voice.

🏒🏒🏒

Troy was up texting Harris with Wyatt in the bed next to him reading a comic book when both of their phones received a text from Ilya.

“You don’t really think that Cap could cheat on Hollzy?” Wyatt looked over at Troy from the other bed.

“No, but he better start explanting himself.”

🏒🏒🏒

They won the game against Dallas but Shane didn’t feel the gratification he usually did after a hard fought battle. Instead he just felt empty. He sat and stared down at his partially unlaced skates as the locker room celebrated around him.

He felt a presence sit down next to him.

“Shane, you doing okay?” Barrett asked.

Shane was taken aback by Barrett calling him by his first name. They really didn’t have that type of relationship.

“Yeah, I’m great,” Shane forced a smile.

“What a fucking game!” Dystra’s voice echoed through the locker room. “Barrett, Hollander, you’re coming out with us tonight!” Cheers came from other teammates. Even Haas let out one.

Barrett frowned. “I don’t think—”

“Yeah, I could use a celebration.” Shane tried to make his smile a little more real. That was met with even more cheers.

Barrett’s brow furrowed. “Are you sure?” he asked quietly.

“I’m good.” Shane wondered if he kept on telling himself that it would make it true.

🏒🏒🏒

The bar was loud and overwhelming and Shane instantly regretted agreeing to go, but the worried looks some of his teammates were giving him made him stand his ground. He found a booth in the back to hide away in and pull out his phone.

Shane was now regretting not being back at the hotel. They could have taken the opportunity of Bood being out with the rest of the team to have phone sex. While still mourning the idea he gets another text.

🏒🏒🏒

Ilya couldn’t help but be anxious when he read the text that Shane wasn’t back at the hotel resting. He closed his chat with him and opened the group chat he made.

🏒🏒🏒

Shane’s brain was starting to feel foggy. He tried to get up from the booth to go outside and get some air but people kept on bumping into him and every touch felt like the worst pain of his life. He just wanted all the noise to stop. He curled into himself and clamped his hands over his ears and squeezed his eyes shut.

He felt someone tap on the booth, not him but just the seat. It seemed intentional enough that he opened his eyes. Wyatt was crouched down in front of him at a breathable distance. Worry lines creased his forehead.

“Hey bud, I was going back to the hotel. You look like you want to come with me.” His voice was gentler than usual. More like the one that he used with an upset kid at camp.

Shane only nodded, so Wyatt made it his mission to get him out of the bar.

“Okay, wait right there. I need to go grab my jacket and then we can get out of here.” Wyatt placed him out of the way of other pedestrians near the front of the bar.

Shane placed his hands back over his ears because the world was still too loud outside. He closed his eyes hoping that Wyatt would be back soon.

“Hey hun are you okay?” someone grabbed his arm. He couldn’t help but pull away and whimpered.

“Oh man he must be on some really bad shit!” Someone else laughed.

Shane didn’t know how to tell these people to go away. Instead he just pushed away and with tunnel vision found an ally where people would leave him alone. He heard the people continue talking but couldn’t make out what they were saying. He thought that they had just moved on, but then another set of hands grabbed him and tried to pull his hands away from his ears.

“Can you open your eyes and look at me, son?” The voice didn’t make it sound like a question, but Shane shook his head and tried to push him away. He wanted the man to know that he was hurting him. He groaned and tried to shake him off again.

“Stop resisting,” the voice grunted out.

Shane finally opened his eyes when the man won the battle to pull his hands away from his ears, but it was only just long enough so that he could clock the man with a freed fist. He really didn’t mean to hit him that hard, but when he felt a crunch under his first he knew he messed up.

He tried to push the man away and run to go find Wyatt, but he was tackled to the ground and his arms were yanked behind his back and immobilized. Shane let out a sound like a wounded animal. He could tell that the man was speaking to him, but he couldn’t understand what he was saying.

He just wanted to go home and curl up next to Ilya and forget this day ever happened.