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The sea came out further as bigger and bigger waves rippled the water, washing the coast’s sand, mixing with it then drawing back to its deepness just to come back minutes later with renewed force. The wind blew stronger than usual, bringing cold on its back, sending shivers and chilliness to those who decided to spend their time at the beach this Monday morning.
Taehyung was one of those people who ended up here, watching the awakening sun, welcoming the new day with hope and a promise of a new beginning. He adjusted his coat, trying to hold onto its warmth, blocking the playful winds which broke their way into the weak spots. His nose was red, eyes teary, and hands cold but this wasn’t a surprise after how long he had been sitting at this rock.
This wasn’t his first time here, he had visited this place four times already, however it always felt like returning home. Embraced him with friendly arms, knowing well why he found his way there and as a good listener let him just be there and share what he wanted. His body unconsciously moved this night when he couldn’t sleep for hours, not something which hadn’t happen before, and without hesitation he headed here because that was the only place where he was brave enough to face himself.
There was nobody here, nobody who would able to judge him or question his moves, his words not letting him breath anymore and, most importantly, fake Taehyung wasn’t here too. Fake… a person who he had created years ago due to fearing reality, not knowing how to look into the mirror without condemning his own reflection. This Taehyung didn’t exist here. But who was the man who was here?
He would laugh bitterly if tears weren’t pricking the back of his eyes, if his heart wasn’t clenching painfully at the thought that even he doesn’t know who he is. He came here for self-reflection and everytime he ended up here more questions popped up.
Being home was so scary, it felt like living in hell as he realised every single day that nothing was right. It’s a lie, a LIE which he created, a lie which surrounded him, a LIE which people forced him to believe. And the biggest traitor was none other than himself, yeah that stupid, gutless, powerless Kim Taehyung who couldn’t be honest with himself and chased something which never belonged to him.
Taehyung tore his gaze away from the surging sea and with a deep sigh stared at his hands. Those hands which hours ago hugged a woman, a woman with whom he shared a seven month relationship, who was there for him and who was the first person who actually said the truth which made him speechless. Hearing it for the first time from someone else’s mouth, loudly and straightforwardly, it urged him to defend himself, to make up cover stories or just lie without hesitation because one more wouldn’t matter.
He wanted to hide from shame, however when the door slammed behind her back, not even looking back at Taehyung for a moment or hesitating, that exact same moment he knew that this was the right thing to do. She did what he should have done before.
“Taehyung I have a serious question for you and I hope you will be honest with me.”
“Is there something wrong?” Sharla barely used firm tones with him, her eyes always followed his moves with adoration and love. Seeing her expression, unreadable and distant, showed that this would be the first time since they started dating that they sat down next to each other and had a heart to heart talk.
Taehyung nervously gulped, he rubbed his palms at the exposed skin on his jeans while cold sweat gathered on his neck. He was waiting, giving enough space to the other to collect her thoughts and just share them with him.
“Do you love me?”
How simple but how frightening. For a moment, he forgot to breath and just stared at her blankly while his mind was running with a million thoughts. Should he answer with a yes? Did he love her? Well… he enjoyed her company over the last few months but even he knew that something was missing from their relationship. Something wasn’t perfect.
“I…”
“No, I asked you wrongly.” – She shook her head, linking her fingers on the table suppressing the nervousness which haunted her even in her dreams. – “Do you think you will ever love me?”
“What... what do you mean?”
The small understanding smile which flashed on her pretty face was a sign for Taehyung. He had a bad feeling about the next moment and maybe since their encounter this was the moment when he didn’t welcome her affectionate tone the same way.
“I mean… Do you think you will ever feel the same thing next to me or look at me just like how you do next to Jungkook?”
“Excuse me?” His high-pitched voice hurt even his ears but the instant fright numbed his mind.
Sharla reached out to embrace his hand, fingers playing with Taehyung long ones, eyes still focused on the table instead of him and Taehyung prayed silently her just to look up. He needed something which would ground him, begging to turn back and brushing this moment back to the yard as a bad memory.
“I noticed something recently. Well, actually it’s been a while now but it didn’t avoid my eyes. I know that I was the one who asked you out and I was so happy when you said yes. Don’t take me wrong but I told you before that I had a huge crush on you since we first met at work and I never thought that you would recognise someone like me …”
“You are a gorgeous woman, how could I ignore you?” This was true… Sharla was a very charming woman with a bubbling personality, kind heart. A real diamond in the rough where he lived.
Finally, she looked up, locking her soft gaze with him. “Thank you… When you introduced me to your friends Taehyung I knew that you accepted me, and you trusted me enough to let me become a part of your life.”
“I’m trying to follow you but I don’t get where you want to go with this or how your previous statement even connects together” He furrowed his brow, a deep line apperearing, giving an older look to him. Goofy smile nowhere to be seen, eyes filled with concern and legs shaking.
Sharla hated to see the man who she was in love with like this…this broken and scared. Because she felt how the table was buzzing as the other’s leg hit the wood, and how hardly he gulped as his throat became raw.
She immediately felt that Taehyung was the one when they accidentally exchanged their project work as they bumped into each other in front of the bathroom. A big cliché, kinda laughable but still incredible. Butterflies were flying wall to wall in her stomach, cheeks flushing from embarrasment and timidity. Taehyung looked like the perfect man from a fashion magazine’s cover and after few meetings, coffe breaks, exchanged phone numbers and texts she had to realise that he was a precious human being in the inside too. They were a good pair, couple, if she can say that and their story started like a fairy tale with pink fog and sweet syrup. However, she noticed very early that their story would end soon before it unfolded, a story which might never ever begin but in her mind.
“I will get there just give me a moment. As we were hanging out together more, spending some of our Fridays nights with them I felt happy, joyful, and complete. I felt like a woman next to you and proud, but at the same time I felt ueless…I felt a third wheel, moreover I felt someone who was the obstacle for your happiness.”
Her voice was broken, trembling from the heavy tears and although she wanted to stop, she knew that she couldn’t do that. No, if she was serious about her love towards this man, no, if she really wanted the best for him. Before Taehyung could take the chance to say something she took it away from him and pushed him harder into the light where he could see, to the darkness where he could face with his own demons.
“You look at Jungkook with pure love while you look at me like a friend. You look at a man with interest while you look at a woman with gratitude. You run away time to time, neglecting your feelings, neglecting your true-self. Sometimes you just toss around in bed, stiffening from my touch, from my kiss, and never melting into my hug. But when Jungkook puts his hand on your shoulder your body automatically turns towards him, when he talks to you your eyes lighten up with lost light and sparkle dancing in it. When you want to reach out to him, your hands are stopped mid way debating what to do. I don’t really know you Taehyung, but I have a feeling you don’t even know yourself too.”
Sharla was right.
He didn’t know who he was now or what he wanted.
Who was Jungkook?
If anybody asked about Jungkook he would call him an old friend who he grew up with in the same town, shared countless good and bad memories with him. Someone who held his hand when he fell during a tag game, someone who hung on his words, and laughed at his silly jokes. Someone who shared lunch with him during breaks at school, someone who always cheered him up after a failed test, and someone who always supported his dream to become a lawyer even when he was never enough to become one.
Someone who was always next to him.
Someone who was always important to him.
Someone who was his first crush.
Someone who he wanted to kiss.
Someone who gave him reasons to live.
Taehyung hid his face in his palms, sobs striking its way up his throat, fist clenching and nails hurting his palms. Sharla knew it the whole time and here he was always hiding it like a dirty secret, like a sin. Oh, he hated himself so much… so fucking much! He was running away from this for so long, so many years hard work just crashed down in one night, being exposed…naked?! A few words bringing ignominy on him.
“Fuck this world!” He yelled the words out, attaching his misery to it, letting everyone hear him out.
Words lost in the wind, not reaching anything or anyone, fading away like drought after a downpour.
Was it the world who he had to blame? Were other people the reason for putting him in this position? Was there anybody who really stopped him from chasing his own happiness?
No…. this was nobody else’s fault but his own.
Because Kim Taehyung was the one who never accepted reality, the one who looked for a non-existant future picture, the one who said no to himself everyday.
But shit, he was scared… so fucking scared!!!
Being different always meant one thing: people will attack you for your uniqueness. People will notice it, they will see it and laugh at him, tease him until he breaks into pieces, until he crawls on the ground and burns alive. Until they kill his soul and scream harsh words into his face, reminding him what kind of faggot he is. They always do this…
Being ashamed for being himself or wanting to be himself shouldn’t occur in his mind. It should be natural, admisibble, reasonable. It shouldn’t be a problem and unfair. Because being different also meant power, strength.
He should have seen this before too, not waiting for years to accept the fact that this was a part of him…
Loving boys was a part of his life…
Being attracted to boys was still a part of his life…
Being in love with Jungkook WAS PART OF HIS LIFE!!
He deserved to give himself the best chance at life and accept himself. He deserved to welcome all parts of him, cherish them, and, if need be, improve them. Nobody is perfect, all of us have flaws, all of us make mistakes, all of us hide something and all of us fear ourselves but this is okay! What’s not okay is turning our back to it, burying them deep down in the ground, putting a key in it and never opening the lock.
He came here so many times to be with his own thoughts, to feel complete, and let his heart live again. He came here to breath, to be free… Instead of dreaming about another life, he should work on this one where he exists because the end was far away. Maybe he didn’t choose where/when he was born, but he can choose who he wants to be or become.
He wanted to be a strong Taehyung who could proudly stand in front of his parents and friends, looking in their eyes with honesty, not lying to their faces. And most importantly he wanted to be someone who can smile back to his own reflection, who can release the weight from his shoulder and who can get up in the morning looking forward to the day, instead of wanting to die from the suffocation which choked him until now.
Yes, he had the right to be happy, to be the man he wants to be. He is going to give himself that chance, the best chance of his life and face it. It’s been sitting on the top of his tongue so many years now, caused endless sleepless nights and crying. It destroyed so many relationships, so many people including himself that he just couldn’t say no to it. He just can’t carry on with this lie…no, he just…he just had enough, he needs to excape from this hell.
Taehyung rubbed his eyes with the back of his palms, with shaking legs he stood up while he dusted off the sand from his shoes and headed to the car. There was no turning back, if he started this, if he felt ready then there was no reason for wasting time. No more hesitation, no more self-hate, no more questions.
The time was finally here.
It was 8:16 am when his car stopped in front of a huge, massive construction, forty minutes away from the cold, salty seashore but only ten minutes far away from his home. His watch showed 8:34 am when he stepped out from the lift and rang the doorbell on the third floor, door decorated with ads, flying papers and absolute silence lingering in the air. His hands were shaking as minutes passed, stomach constricted, skin flushed from hurrying as he literally ran to the elevator, half-heartedly bowing to the old woman who kept it open for him.
He raised his hand to press it again when the lock piped and a sleepy man appeared there. Big, loose white shirt hanging on his shoulder, balck sweaterpants barely keeping itself on his waist and unfocused eyes narrowing against the light while his hair messily framed his face. Taehyung would say he just witnessed the most adorable human who he ever saw in his entire life, and he would melt there if the adrenalin wasn’t pumping in his ear cruelly.
“Taehyung?” Husky voice from sleep, deeper than usual but so charming. Taehyung would listen to it all day with closed eyes, letting himself live in a shell.
“Yeah, Kookie. Good morning!” He smiled ear to ear now, hands reaching out to ruffle the other’s hair, not stopping half way. Fingers gently running through it until the other’s head finally became clear, registered who was standing there.
“Come in.” Jungkook stepped back, moves still slow from sleep, giving enough space to the man who kicked his shoes down and followed the younger one to his living room which he knew like his own home.
“It’s already past 8 a.m shouldn’t you get ready for work?”
“No, I worked during the weekend so my boss gave me two free days. But it’s more unusual to see you in my apartment at this time, usually you would be heading to your office, stuck in a traffic jam and cursing the goverment.”
“That’s the best part about being a lawyer and owning my private business. I can decide when I start to work Jungkkookie.”
Jungkook just snorted at this, murmuring how annoying the other was, making him laugh. He sat across from Taehyung with a blanket on his lap, covering his toes from the chilly morning air. He was never a morning person and everyone knew that about him. Since he was a child he played video games until late at night and got up around lunch time, if he didn’t have to go to school. From all of his friends who were aware of that, Taehyung was the one who knew this very well. Seeing him now meant that something urgent might have happened and he came for his advice or just company.
After so many years he could read the other without words, he could guess his mood, what he wanted to eat or what he was thinking about. Because Jungkook cared.
Taehyung was a really significant person in his life, someone whose existence meant the world to him…someone who was his soulmate and partner in trouble, friends in rough days and someone special.
He snapped up his head at the other’s voice, focusing on him completely now.
“Sharla and I broke up.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” Jungkook tried to give enough sympathy and comfort with his reply and he was sorry but not really. Sharla was a stunning woman with good intentions and a deep heart. Someone who would be the most amazing wife, the girlfriend who you would like to intorduce to your family and impress them or show off to your friends. But besides everything, Sharla wasn’t the appropriate person for Taehyung…. Sharla wasn’t Jungkook.
“Don’t be that. I’m actually thankful to her.”
“Huh, why?” He uncomprehendingly measured Taehyung head to toe, hands gripping the blanket harder, waiting for the explanation anticipatingly with wide puplis and a subdued air.
“Because she pointed out something which was giving me headache for a while, and killed my soul everyday, sucking the life out of me.”
Hurt spread through Jungkook’s face realising that he wasn’t the one who saw that. Blaming himself for not noticing any signs of Taehyung’s suffering, not giving him his shoulder at the right times and not seeing through his mask. Oh gosh, he was the worst.
“Jungkook, I want to be honest with you… I want to tell you something and I don’t know how you will react or what you will think but I have to share it. Because I finally threw the lie away, I finally felt so strong and if I don’t do this now… if I don’t let it out I know that I will break. I will cry helplessly and look toward tomorrow with hate and of all the people in my life you are the first one who deserves to hear it.”
Chest moving quickly up and down, skin flushed with pink and excitement running through him. The moment was here. Come on, Taehyung, just spit it.
“Jungkook…I-I’m …I’m gay.”
He looked into the other eyes, not breaking the contact while his fist rested on his lap, controlling his trembling.
Silence and Jungkook’s widened eyes didn’t tell anything to him. Nerves getting him on edge, panic rushing through him, thoughts running miles away when after a few minutes, finally Jungkook opened his mouth.
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah, okay.” Jungkook lips curved into a small smile, big brown eyes telling the truth, ensuring his words, making Taehyung dizzy from the sudden emotions.
Like he just came up from the water and caught his breath again, pressure disappearing and his body was floating. The weight which chained him down crumbled into ashes and tears dopped impudently without limit. Oh god, it felt so good… so right.
He did it and the most important person accepted it… accepted him, accepted the Taehyung who he was, who lurked behind his mask, blaming himself countless times but he was here in his raw glory.
The next moment Jungkook was caressing his back, gently patting him like a mom who was scared she would break her child if she touched him harder. They stayed there for a while, unspoken words hanging in the air but they didin’t need them to understand each other.
After Taehyung’s crying settled, Jungkook leaned back a little bit, giving enough distance between themselves. Taehyung rose his eyebrows questioningly, not knowing how to consider the other’s sudden mood change.
“I don’t want to shock you but after all, you deserves the truth too.” His bottom lip was stuck between his teeth as he chewed on it, eyes fixed on Taehyung but his will was dancing on thin ice.
“What would it be?” Thoughts running in his head, questioning what kind of secret Jungkook might hide from him, the boy who could barely lie to him, the boy who could barely keep secrets. Hell, Jungkook could barely keep hidden his Christmas presents for him, always burning with desire to tell him, counting the days until the night came.
“I love you.”
Now it was Taehyung’s turn to be taken aback. Did he hear that right? Did this actually happen and he was not imagining it? Maybe too many endorphins built up in his body?
But noo… the blush on Jungkook’s face, the shy look and tight jaw from fearing the answer, just showed this was really happening now.
Maybe old Taehyung would make a joke about it, maybe old Taehyung would look away from it and ignore it…but this morning old Taehyung disappeared and new Taehyung was sitting here feeling the seriousness of the situation.
New Taehyung decied that he will be happy, not caring about other’s opinion, not minding to accept himself. New Taehyung was scared too, like a new-born baby experiencing everything again with curiousity, open mind but with a past behind him which gave him enough power.
New Taehyung was here and for his luck… for his god damn luck life was gracious to him. And you know what, world? He would live with his chance.
“It’s okay, because I love you too.”